So you just found out your husband is gay.  What Now?

Finding out your husband is gay can be devastating to say the least. From a gay husband’s point of view let me say that I truly did love my ex-wife and the last thing I wanted to do was cause her pain.  I was trapped in an obsessive and compulsive drive for gay sex and at the same time  I had a strong desire to stay in a loving relationship with my wife.  Regrets? Yes, of course.  Could it have been handled better? Absolutely.  I have already addressed the issue for men in an earlier blog so here are my suggestions for women.

1. Once he discloses, do not respond immediately.  This is a deeply emotional moment.  Do not let your emotions dictate your present and future course of action.  Let your husband know that you appreciate his honesty and that you need time to think.
2. Sit down face to face in a non-emotional, non-confrontational conversation. Find out what his true desires are. Does he truly want to stay with you in an improved relationship or does he actually want to leave and enter a gay lifestyle.
3. Make a heart decision. Decide what you truly want.  Do you value and want to keep the relationship or do you want to start a new life.
4. Now make a conscious and rational decision. Weigh all the pros and cons. Divide the page in two, write them out and weigh them out.  Is the relationship truly worth keeping?  Do not consider him or the children.  This is the time to be true to yourself and honest with yourself.You have no responsibility to his emotional, mental or even physical well-being.
5. If you decide to leave, openly honestly and lovingly tell him your reasons. Walk away. Do not question your decision.You are not responsible for his feelings; he is. Whether you wish to maintain a friendship is totally up to you.  However, be sure that you are clear that the marriage is over.  Do not keep him hanging on with false hopes.

If you decide to stay, be prepared to roll up your sleeves and get to work.

1. You may wish to see a counselor to work out a strategy but I would advise that you sit down together and work it out yourselves.
2. The first decision is to decide what to do about his gay desires and obsessions. Be sure to decide rationally and from the heart what you are prepared to live with.  There are several options:
   1. Abstinence – he agrees to never have another gay encounter. This will be very difficult and perhaps impossible for him to do, depending on the levels of his desires and obsessions.
   2. The marriage is for companionship and non-sexual intimacy and he is free to pursue his gay desires. This is essentially giving up on the marriage as a marriage.
   3. He abstains from gay encounters but exercises his obsessions through pornography and masturbation. This is a suggestion most often offered by marriage counselors.
   4. He is free to seek gay encounters as the need arises as long as he engages in safe sex.This allows him to be bisexual which is his true gender orientation. The gay side explores his passions while the heterosexual side gives him sexual and soul intimacy.  As the wife, you will have to view his gay sexuality as a biological expression that will meet his biological needs while intimacy and soul mating is maintained in the marriage.
   5. He is free to pursue a gay relationship on the side (or openly) as long as he engages in safe sex.  This allows him to engage in friendships and intimacy on his gay side thereby establishing deep emotional and heart to heart relationship with another man, Often bisexual men forego friendship relationships with other men which deprives them of the need for male intimacy.  If he is permitted to have this kind of relationship he will usually be fulfilled sexually and emotionally and be able to give his best to both sides of his gender orientation.  Because he is free to have the best of both worlds he will no longer feel the need to choose one over the other.  This is the one that would best meet his needs but is usually the one the wife is least willing to accept.
3. Regardless of your decisions be prepared to work on them and be prepared to accept occasional breakdowns.  Old patterns are difficult to break.  You will both need to have an open relationship where each person is free to express their deepest feelings and concerns.
4. Do not give ultimatums but be sure to establish your own boundaries and be prepared to say ‘enough’ when enough is enough.
5. This is just the beginning of the new relationship.  The next step is to go beyond the gender issues and enter into a truly intimate and spiritual marriage. We will explore these possibilities in the next post.

Due to the dearth of quality bisexual scientific studies, we need to go beyond gender and look at human sexuality in general terms and apply it to the bisexual situation. In an interesting study, Denes[1] came up with several insightful conclusions about Oxytocin and the role of communication in relationship building. Her study was based on the theory that disclosure (heart talk) helps to develop and maintain relationships [2].  She theorized that Oxytocin bonding that occurs during and after orgasm enhanses the quality and intensity of post-orgasmic communication more than just the chemical body responses.

The study included 200 college students, with 77% female, 24% male. The participants ranged in age from 18 to 26 years old, with an average age of 19.6 years old. Ninety-six percent of the sample self-identified as straight, 5 participants identified as bisexual, 1 participant identified as gay, and 1 participant identified as pansexual. Sixty-nine percent of the sample identified as ‘‘in a relationship,’’ with an average relationship length of 13.9 months. Participants were asked to complete a survey within 2 hours of sexual activity. Denes concluded that men and women who experienced orgasm disclosed significantly more during pillow talk.  Secondly, she found that women who experience orgasm disclosed significantly more than both men who orgasmed and women who did not reach orgasm.  Such benefits, however, were limited to individuals in more committed relationships.   Denes also concluded that individuals who engage in more positive relational disclosures after sexual activity with their partners report more trust, relationship satisfaction, and closeness.

Let’s look deeper into her study to see the subtle connections and implications. Denes found that disclosing positive feelings for one’s partner after sexual activity is positively associated with trust, relationship satisfaction, and closeness. In the context of pillow talk, this suggests positivism, openness, and assurances increase after sexual activity (which releases oxytocin) resulting in partners experiencing positive relational outcomes. Such communication involves the disclosure of positive aspects of the relationship such as declarations of love, affection, and intimacy. We are now in the area of intimacy rather than passion and sexual desire.  In other words, pillow talk after sex can enhance intimacy and bonding which are good definitions of “being in love which is what we all need and desire.

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the study is the differences between men and women. From other research, we find that the effects of oxytocin are known to be more pronounced in women than in men, as men’s testosterone diminishes the effects of oxytocin while women’s estrogen increases its effects[9].   In addition to viewing and experiencing sexual activity differently, women have been found to connect sex with love and are more committed to their relationships[8]. They have generally been found to disclose more than men when discussing relationships, emotions, and intimacy. This may be due to the Oxytocin effect in women which seems to have a variety of emotional effects that are associated with relationships, such as decreasing stress, decreasing perceptions of social threat, increasing bonding, and increasing the ability to read emotional cues[5].

On the other hand, research suggests that men can engage in sexual activity even when feelings of love may not exist for their partner and are more permissive in their sexual attitudes than women[7]. In addition, men are particularly vulnerable to the anxiety caused by their inability to talk out their stress. Much of this work from the Fever Model[6] explores how anxiety is produced when individuals keep important information inside. This anxiety builds, eventually leading to possible negative disclosure. Research suggests that the link between disclosure and liking is voided when disclosures are too intimate for one of the partners, or they violate the boundaries of tolerance for affection [10].  Men appear to be particularly vulnerable in this area.  According to other studies, men and women in less committed relationships may encounter more risk in pillow talk and may push individuals with less solidified relationships apart. It may be that when one individual reveals his or her feelings while his or her partner does not, it may create more stress and resulting in an imbalance in the relationship.

So what does this mean for the bisexual man in a gay relationship?  Lots. These studies place gay couples at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to relationship building.  Because they are more tuned to the sexual act itself, and tend to lose ‘the glow’ more rapidly; there is a tendency to forego the Oxytocin enhanced post-orgasmic pillow talk which deprives them of the opportunity to build deeper levels of communication, trust and intimacy. There are several implications to this research.  Gay couples must work harder at making pillow talk happen.  They have to set aside time after sex to let the Oxytocin glow linger and do the things that heterosexual couples do; namely, talk, cuddle, stroke and look into each other eyes, Since they are not naturally biologically equipped to do so they both have to cultivate the ‘feminine side’ of the sexuality to make this happen.

Now let’s take a look at the bisexual man in a heterosexual relationship.  There is a definite advantage if he can allow his mate to lead and guide him into relationship building pillow talk which she seems to be chemically and physically equipped to do.  But first he must overcome his fears. Verbal disclosures may be a source of regret if the communication is too intimate for his level of commitment, particularly if he is still involved in his double life or he has not dealt with the psychological issues related to his bisexuality.  If his boundary tolerance levels are violated this may result in aversive reactions[11].  Individuals who are in a trusting, open monogamous relationship will likely experience less regret because their partners are already committed to them. Additionally, in a committed relationship, partners may be disclosing such feelings on a regular basis, and thus pillow talk would be relationship-appropriate and less likely to scare away the partner.  So what does this mean?  Bisexual men may have difficulty with intimacy and developing a wholesome relationship unless they are committed to being totally open and honest with their female partners, otherwise the intimacy of pillow talk with divide rather than unite. However, careful and complete disclosure can lead to openness and all the benefits of being in love that can come from pillow talk.

In conclusion, if you are in a gay relationship, make sure that you engage in pillow talk after sex.  This will lead to deeper bonding, a more satisfying loving relationship, and the kind of love that you are seeking.  If you are in a heterosexual relationship you have to be open and honest.  This means cleaning the slate with full disclosure and trusting your partner to support and understand you.  Let your partner guide and teach you through the intimacy that comes from pillow talk after orgasm.  At this point her love for you is wrapped up in a warm glow and she can lead you compassionately to a deeper relationship and a better understanding and acceptance of your “Self.”

[1] Denes, 2012.

[2] Altman & Taylor.

[3] Veenestra, 2007

[4] Veenestra, 2007, p. 39

[5] Guastella et al, 2005; Lim & Young, 2006

[6] Stiles, 1987

[7] Hendrick & Hendrick, 1995; Roche, 1986

[8] (Hendrick & Hendrick, 1995; Roche, 1986)

[9] (Taylor et al., 2002).

[10] (Bochner, 1982; Collins & Miller, 1994).

[11] (Floyd et al., 2008)

References

Altman, I., & Taylor, D. (1973). Social penetration: The development of interpersonal relationships. New York, NY: Holt, Rinehart and Winston.

Bochner, A. P. (1982). On the efficacy of openness in close relationships. In M. Burgoon (Ed.), Communication yearbook 5 (pp. 109–124). New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Books. Brody, S. (2003). Alexithymia is inversely associated with women’s frequency of vaginal intercourse. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32, 73–77. doi: 10.1023=A:1021897530286

Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116, 457–475. doi: 10.1037==0033-2909.116.3.457 C

Denes, Amanda  2012. Pillow Talk: Exploring Disclosures After Sexual Activity. Western Journal of Communication; Vol. 76, No. 2.

Floyd, K., Judd, J., & Hesse, C. (2008). Affection exchange theory: A bio-evolutionary look at affectionate communication. In L. A. Baxter & B. M. Montgomery (Eds.), Engaging theories in interpersonal communication (pp. 285–294). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Guastella, A. J., Mitchel, P. B., & Dadds, M. R. (2008). Oxytocin increases gaze to the eye region of human faces. Biological Psychiatry, 63, 3–5. doi: 10.1016=j.biopsych.2007.06.026

Hendrick, S. S., & Hendrick, C. (1995). Gender differences and similarities in sex and love. Personal Relationships, 2, 55–65. doi: 10.1111=j.1475-6811.1995.tb00077

Kosfeld, M., Heinrichs, M., Zak, P. J., Fischbacher, U., & Fehrl, E. (2005). Oxytocin increases trust in humans. Nature, 435, 673–676. doi: 10.1038=nature03701

Lim, M. M., & Young, L. J. (2006). Neuropeptidergic regulation of affiliative behavior and social bonding in animals. Hormones and Behavior, 50, 506–517. doi: 10.1016=j.yhbeh.2006. 06.028

Stiles, W. B. (1987). ‘‘I have to talk to somebody’’: A fever model of disclosure. In V. J.

Veenestra, M. (2007). Afterglow. In F. Malti-Douglas (Ed.), Encyclopedia of sex and gender (Vol. 1, pp. 39–40). Detroit, MI: Macmillan Reference.

Passion

Bisexuality is about passion that is fueled by sexuality but flows into the spiritual.  If your relationship is just based on sex its roots are so shallow that it will wilt and die with the first sign of adversity.

When a man’s passion is truly focused on his beloved instead of his own self-gratification, he leaves behind the fields of infatuation and enters into the gardens of passion. A man’s passion for his lover transcends beyond the drive to know his lover and enters into the desires “to be” with him/her. As they dig deeper and deeper into each other’s soul, they eventually come to the heart of the inner soul, the place where passion evolves and where all sensations become more wild and free. They begin to experience those treasured moments where their spirit-filled hearts glow and resonate together while their bodies celebrate the beauty and power of sexuality. A bisexual man can offer a deeper, more compassionate form of love based on emotional richness and gentleness of spirit.

To understand the meaning of passion, I took a mental journey back through the stages of my relationship with my Beloved. During our courtship, I experienced the wonderful stage of physical attraction, the desire to smell, taste, see, hear, and feel all that she had to offer. The touch of hands and tongues was so erotic and sensuous that it sent urgent desire into all the cells of my body. It made me feel truly and completely alive.

The Scent of the Rose

You are the scent of the rose, the musk of the lioness in heat,

The delicacies of love mixed with the pure power of drive and death.

You urge me on to fulfill the instinctual lusts and needs of my body;

Your fresh fragrance lures my soul to the sweet smell of your breath.

You are the beauty of the butterfly as it hovers, dances and flits,

 Calling its lover to come to the sweet fragrant flowers of life.

Your face, your body, fulfill all of my body and soul longings,

Peeling off pain and fear with the sweet soft touch of your knife.

The sound of your voice is the sound of the songbird on the wind,

Calling its mate to join the sensuous dance of the first song of spring.

Your moans and sighs urge me on to taking more and more of you,

Into the sound of the song that only lovers know how to sing.

You are the sweet taste of the nectar of the sun ripened peach;

Your juices mix with mine and flow from my tongue to my chin.

The flavour of your lips plunges my tongue into the spices of fire;

The hot taste of the chase mocks my mind’s foolish burden of sin.

Your breasts rise to my lips, your hips bend to my tender touch.

Your soft hands excite the sensuous pleasures of my frolicking flesh;

Your thighs embrace my hips; your womb welcomes my passion,

Making my skin stir and leap to your hand’s soft, sweet caress.

You are the sweet sensation of spring rain on dry thirsty land;

You are the rich deep soil that lovingly yields to the persistent plough.

Every nerve tingles with the promise of the newness of life,

Making my body long for completion in the all-consuming now.

 Beyond Gender – Thought for the Day

Bisexuality is not about sex, it’s about how to live a full and complete life. It is about unconditional love for self and for others. Through the power of unconditional love, I was able to heal one more component of my personality disorder; my passion returned. Looking back, I can see how the wonderful magic of passion brought my Beloved and I together and keeps us together. We responded passionately to each other, moving away from the ego and mental turmoil of the mind and immersing ourselves in the beauty of the drive. We fed off of each other, moving deeper and deeper into the heart of our inner souls where passion blossomed into a powerful expression of the core of our beings. This passion has become the sustenance that daily feeds our relationship. It makes everything real.

Moments of Passion

From touch to touch, kiss to kiss, caress to caress,

Desire builds into an internal explosion of mind and body.

The little death comes and goes;

The house of cards collapses;

Neither here nor there,

Part of a moment,

Real but neutral,

Neither good nor bad,

Any meaning molded by the intentions of the lovers,

Just a glimpse of ecstasy.

The pieces are blown away by the wind,

True passion, merely a shift in perception,

Is born in a moment of consciousness,

A feeling that penetrates the heart

From behind the walls of the mind,

Until it blossoms, releasing its sweet fragrance,

That draws the soul from the restless and the chaotic

Into the beauty and urgency of the drive,

Expanding, ever expanding,

Flowing gracefully onto the Path to Love,

Expanding, ever expanding,

Until it is immersed in the glow of bliss,

Where I sense the breath of my Beloved’s spirit,

And feel the passion flowing from her beating heart.

The next step in honesty is with others.  For gay men, this means coming out to family and friends, but for bisexual men it becomes much more complex.  It means coming out to our wives or female partners and  that means possibly coming out to the  children.  We have to do this for ourselves as much as for them. Living a double life will destroy us unless we are very cold and callous. We owe it to ourselves as conscious people to free ourselves from the trauma associated with the guilt. In addition, bisexual men must be honest with their partners.  We owe it to them.  They have trusted us with their lives and their hearts. We must not be cowards and wait for them to find out.  We have to be men, be honest, and honor that trust.

How to live a bisexual life is an extremely difficult proposition for bisexual married men. In my opinion, there are essentially three ways to go. The healthiest course for most struggling, married, bisexual men is to consciously look at all the possibilities and consequences and decide what action will best satisfy their own wants and needs. This may sound selfish but being dishonest and living an unconscious destructive life is a sad alternative not only for yourself but for everyone connected to you.

The one most bisexual men choose is to continue to go on with the stress and guilt of gay encounters. He pursues this conflicting dual lifestyle until he is caught and the spouse makes the decision for him. Most of the time this leads to immediate rejection, abandonment, and divorce. On occasion, the wife’s desire to maintain the relationship leads to counselling and an ultimatum whereby he agrees to stop having gay encounters. In this case, he usually falls back on his gay pursuits and is eventually right back to where he started.

The second course is to accept the gay half of his bisexual body and soul. He seeks relationships with other men until he finds a lover with whom he can form a marriage-like relationship. He confronts his spouse with the situation which often  seems to come from out of the blue for her, causing extreme anxiety and pain. The children usually take the side of the wounded mother and back-off or break their relationship with their father. The husband then seeks a divorce, shaking himself free of the heterosexual conflicts of his bisexuality. His new gay relationship often falters and fails and the bisexual man finds himself alone.  For some this is the best of both worlds. He can find sex when he needs it and otherwise adjusts to the  joys of living a single life. However, this tends to be a lonely and painful life for most bisexual men and they often seek a relationship with another woman and the problems start all over again.

For many bisexual men I believe it is best to try to stay with their wife and families in an honest and open relationship. Honor her by giving her the gift of truth and choice. Tell your spouse about your gay sexual desires.  Do not paint it over with how you will “be good” from now on. She has to understand that you will still have to deal with powerful gay desires and perhaps compulsive behaviors. Encourage her to ask all her questions and reply honestly and emotionally.  Be ready to tell her about your gay experiences. Be prepared to accept that she may want out of the relationship.

There is a possibility you can reach an agreement where your spouse can accept and accommodate your need for gay experiences. She has to understand that your sexual desires with men are no threat to the relationship. In other words, she has to see that she is not competing with another woman, but merely helping you live a life where your sexual desires are met in such a way that they do not take on the baggage of shame and guilt that can destroy your soul and the foundation of the relationship.This is an excellent option, but it is very difficult to find a woman who is willing and able to accommodate your gay desires.

The final option, and in my opinion, the one that most women will warm up to, is to express your desire to live a monogamous life.This is a very difficult route for most bisexual men but there is a possibility that you can do it with her help and support.  Tell her how you feel about her and why you want to continue your relationship.   She has to truly see the beautiful gifts of gentleness, compassion, and sensitivity that you can offer her and the children from your bisexual soul. She has to see that the father of her children genuinely cares for her and them. She has to see that she can still rely of you for support, warmth, and intimacy. There is a possibility that you can renew the passion of your relationship and that she may be able to meet all your sexual needs. If you are still battling compulsive gay desires she may be open to you using gay pornography and masturbation to deal with those compulsions.  Whatever the solution, work it out together and then be prepared to work on it, and all the emotions and feeling that go along with it, on a day to day basis.  This can not be an ultimatum; she has to accept the fact that you may falter or fail, so make sure you lay the groundwork so that you are free to confide in her and alter the program if you should falter but never use this as an backdoor to failure.  There can be no back door.  The children do not need to know about your conflicting sexuality, but if they figure it out by themselves be prepared to discuss it with them on a need-to-know basis.  In time, if you stay with it and work on it together, it will become easier and perhaps even warmer, richer and more self-fulfilling as the years go by.