Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the fifth in the series on the relationship between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder [BPD].)

In previous blogs, we have established a link between BPD and bisexuality. We have looked at two symptoms for BPD on the DSM4: symptom 1 –  fear of abandonment, and symptom 3 – identity disturbance or poor self-concept.  Today we want to look at the second symptom which is “a pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation”. The DSM5 describes it as, “Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships … alternating between over involvement and withdrawal”.  From my review of the literature, it appears that difficulty in interpersonal relationships may be connected to problems with the mechanisms involved with bonding. This goes back to childhood issues such as abuse or neglect.

The relations between parental bonding and attachment constructs and borderline personality disorder features were examined by Nichol et al in 2002[1].  In a sample of 393 18-year-old’s, low parental bonding and attachment scores were associated with borderline features including insecure, anxious, or ambivalent attachment, and a perception of a relative lack of caring from one’s mother.

So what is happening biologically for people with BPD.  Bartz et al investigated the effects of intranasal oxytocin (OXT) on trust and cooperation in borderline personality disorder (BPD)[2]. Their data suggests that OXT does not facilitate trust and pro-social behavior in BPD’s but may actually impede it. They suggest that this may be due to possible neurochemical differences in the OXT system.

So where does this difference originate and how does it occur? First of all, we have to view OXT not only as a hormone generated by the pituitary gland but also as a neuromodulator. In plain English, that means that OXT affects the functions of the brain. This is usually done through the excitement or suppression of neurotransmitters.  In other words, OXT works differently in people with BPD by suppressing rather than exciting the transfer of messages within the brain and from the brain to the rest of the body.

We know that OXT is involved in bonding and that bonding to one’s mate creates aversion to any other potential sexual partner. When we look at aversion, we can get some clues from the rats and wolves[3].  In the case of wolves, one experience with tainted mutton made them swear off sheep for the rest of their lives. We all have experienced a nauseating sensation after an intense emotional experience and what could be more emotional than feeling rejected by one’s own mother? Could it be that when the outflow of OXT between mother and child during early childhood is accompanied by rejection that it literally leaves a bad taste in the mouth of the child by affecting the digestive system?

So how does this apply to our sexuality? We  know that sexual attraction usually involves a release of OXT. We also know that OXT can result in aversion and even nausea when presented with an opportunity for sex with members of the opposite sex for gays and lesbians and that some heterosexuals experience similar reactions about have same sex experiences. Could this indeed be the workings of OXT?

Gays, lesbians, and heterosexuals usually have no trouble bonding, and it is the work of the bond that creates the sense of aversion, and it is the aversion that creates the emotional reaction. What about bisexuals? Because we have difficulty bonding we also have no aversion mechanisms. Therefore, we can have sex with either men or women without experiencing overpowering negative emotion. We still have the OXT rush but not biologically imprinted restrictions. We have no difficulty devouring the delirious meal set before us.

What I am suggesting is the people with BPD have difficulty forming lasting relationships because we have difficulty bonding. The OXT release has the opposite effect, we simply associate it with rejection and have an aversion to bonding itself. We enjoy sex for the sake of sex but reject the bonding that goes with it. We burn our bridges and walk away from potentially painful experiences.  That does not mean, however, that we cannot have lasting relationships. It just means that we have to work harder to form stronger and more encompassing emotional and mental bonds in spite of the negative flow of OXT.

My five suggestions for bisexuals.

  1. We don’t give up on the bond. We can still  form mental and emotional bonds by creating and repeating feelings of love for our partners .
  2. If we feel emotional aversion, we can accept it, face it, and understand where it is coming from. We can then choose to recreate a feeling of love. Every time we do this, it reinforces our love bond.
  3. We do not let our aversion feelings interfere with our sex life. We focus on the physical and emotional pleasure and use this experience to again reinforce our love bond.
  4. We keep focusing on the positive aspects of our relationship and consciously build our mental-emotional bond.
  5. We do little things to show our partner we love them. Flowers and chocolate works for women and a good back rub does wonders for a man (by the way men like chocolate too, and women like back rubs).

 

 

[1] Angela D. Nickell, Carol J. Waudby, Timothy J. Trull, (2002). Attachment, Parental Bonding and Borderline Personality Disorder Features in Young Adults. Journal of Personality Disorders: Vol. 16, No. 2, pp. 148-159. https://doi.org/10.1521/pedi.16.2.148.22544

 

[2] Bartz, Jennifer; Simeon, Daphine; Hamilton, Holly; Kim, Suah; Crystal, Sarah; Braun, Ashley; Vicens, Victor; and Hollander, Eric. Oxytocin can hinder trust and cooperation in borderline personality disorder. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, Volume 6, Issue 5, 1 October 2011, Pages 556–563, https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsq085

 

[3] Gustavson, Carl R.; Sweeney, Michael; and Garcia,John. Prey-lithium aversions. I: coyotes and wolves 1. Behavior Biology, Vol 17, 1976.

Borderline Personality Disorder and the Missing Self

I think it’s time to leave the research and theories behind for a while and look at BPD from an emotional point of view. Feelings from the heart instead of ideas from the mind.

During the weekend, I attended a writer’s workshop that focused on owning our work and feeling good about it. One of the activities really hit home. We were to carry on a written dialogue with the child within. The voice of the higher self (adult) was expressed by writing with the dominant hand and the voice of the child with the other. The following is what I came up with:

Child: It’s dark in here.

Adult: Where are you?

Child: I don’t know. Mom left me here alone a long time ago.

Adult: I was always there with you.

Child: No you weren’t. I didn’t see you.

Adult: I was watching safely from a distance.

Child: Why didn’t you come and play with me? I was scared.

Adult: I’m not sure. I cared for you but something seemed to be holding me back. Where was your mother?

Child: I never had a mother. There was a woman. She made my meals. We watched TV together but she was not my mother.

Adult: How do you know?

Child: She never held me. She never kissed me. She never said she loved me.

Adult: What about your father?

Child: I never had a father.

Adult No one?

Child: Just you. But you never held me, or kissed me, or said you loved me either.

Adult: But I was there. I didn’t do those things because I wanted you to be strong, to grow up to be a man. Surely you must remember my visits, those poems I wrote to you over the years?

Child: Yes, thank you. I still have all of them. I read them when I feel lonely.

Adult: I am sorry I neglected you. Please forgive me.  But there is still time. Perhaps you can be the child of my mature years, like my grandson?

Child: Yes, I would like that. Do you have time to play now?

Adult: Yes I do, all the time in the world. We can have our own special time every day after lunch until before dinner. Would you like that?

Child: Oh yes! That would be fun. But not golf. I hate golf. How about tag or hide and seek? I can hide someplace in the dark and you can come and find me.

Adult: And yes, and we can both run for home…

Child: And yell HOMEFREE!!

Adult: Yes let’s do it.

Child: And you can hug me and say you love me.

Adult: Yes, I promise. I do love you, you know?

Child: I know.

 

What can we take from this? Most of us bisexuals with BPD have had to survive with a wounded child, often because of childhood neglect or abuse. Because of that we have experienced psychological shame causing us  to avoid and neglect our inner child. We need to revisit those days again and do some healing; we need to give ourselves the attention we all had deserved. Above all we need to play. We need to learn to enjoy being with ourselves.

.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder and Bisexuality 4

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the fourth in the series on the relationship between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder [BPD].)

In the previous blogs, we have established a significant correlation between bisexuality and BPD. In the last blog, we looked at the first symptom for BPD from the DSM4 which was, “Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment”. Today we want to look at the third symptom, “identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self”.

The DSM5 describes self-identity under “Significant impairments in personality functioning”. The markers are “Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; and dissociative states under stress.” The key here is self-identity. There was a catch phrase in the 1980’s that said, “he is trying to find himself”. For us bisexuals, this can be a lifetime pursuit. Not only do we often have to deal with BPD, but we also struggle with our sexual identity.

In my definition, there are two aspects to self-identity; namely, how I present myself to others, and how I view my own sense of being. The first is usually defined by occupation, family roles, and societal roles. People with BPD usually try to be everything to everybody in order to please. Unfortunately, we lose our sense of our inner self. When our outer self is threatened, we have nothing to fall back on so we crash.

When we look at some of the other descriptors, we see “impoverished and unstable self-image”. There is no, or only a limited, sense of inner self. As seen in a previous blog, these feelings usually originate due to abuse or neglect during childhood. The bonding with our parents gives us a foundation, a sense of having a loving bond that we can build on during childhood, teen years, and early adult life. We gradually sort it out and come up with a feeling of who we are and what we stand for. However, without this firm foundation, the self-structure is limited and usually lacks confidence and a sense of what it feels like to be loved.

The next descriptor is “chronic feelings of emptiness”. We lack confidence in our self and have difficulty building on past successes. We reject positive compliments and focus on  the negative.  The result is that we go from moment to moment looking for affirmation but never really digesting it. We look for love but never really accept that we are indeed lovable and worthy of being loved.

The last point is “dissociative states under stress”. This is the one where our bisexuality really complicates the matter. Because we lack a sense of self, we tend to have difficulty dealing with stress, especially when it comes to our sex life. It seems that in order to function as heterosexuals, we have to create a heterosexual identity, and when we enter the gay or lesbian world, we create a significantly different persona. Bisexual men tend to seek love and intimacy and bisexual women tend to seek and protection and security in the heterosexual relationships, and when we want power and passion, we go gay or lesbian. When we are under stress and need to restore our chemical balance by going from the sympathetic to the parasympathetic system, we usually go for same-sex erotica. This helps us escape anxiety for a few precious moments, and also stimulates the pleasure centers or our brain.  We then form a dissociative relationship between the two identities to cope with the stress and avoid guilt and shame. This works for awhile, and then we will inevitably crash.

Let’s face it, there are a significant number of bisexuals who have to deal with the BPD component of their psychological makeup. The key is to bring the two sexual identities together. We can do this by creating neural pathways involving feelings of acceptance and gratitude to replace the feelings of guilt and shame.

My five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. If you are bisexual and have no self-identity issues and no BPD problems – enjoy.
  2. If we struggle with self-identity, we can learn to accept ourselves just the way we are. We can seek a new foundation. We bond with ourselves. We bond the fragile ego-self with the spiritually powerful higher self. We become our own parent.
  3. We flood our self with self-love from the higher self. We practice looking in the mirror and seeing the higher self within. We tell our selves we love our self over and over again until we believe and feel the higher self healing and cleansing the neural pathways of our brain.
  4. When confronted with a moment of self-hate, self-loathing, or self doubt we stop it. We tell ourselves that we are better than that; in fact, we are beautiful, powerful, and in complete control of our emotions and feelings. We make a conscious decision to let go of the negative feelings of self-loathing and shame and embrace the positive feelings of love from our higher self.
  5. We bring the two sexual identities together and accept our bisexuality as part of our self, and yes, even, or especially, a part of our higher self. We release the power of our sexual identity and sexual passion  as a motivator for loving our self and sharing our love with others.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Bisexuality 3

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the third in the series on the relationship between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder.)

 

As we have seen in the studies quoted in past blogs, there is a definite connection between Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bisexuality. The first symptom listed on the DSM4 is Fear of Abandonment.

With bisexuals and other members of LGBQT community, this fear usually originates in childhood abuse or neglect. In the object (relations) constancy theory, the child develops a psychological representation of the parent that satisfies the need for contact when separated. With neglectful parents the child may not be able to develop relations constancy and therefore may suffer from separation anxiety that could eventually lead to fear of abandonment. The DSM5 defines this fear as “Separation Insecurity”. It includes “fears of rejection by – and separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy”. There are two significant aspects to this symptom, namely fear of rejection and dependency.

Some degree of abandonment fear can be normal, but when fear of abandonment is severe and frequent, it can lead to a whole host of problems. A person who has experienced abandonment may be more likely to have long-term mental health issues. They may have mood swings or be unable to control their emotions. Self-esteem can also be affected making it harder to feel worthy or to be intimate. These fears could make a person prone to anxiety, depression, co-dependency or other issues.

Abandonment fear usually affects a person’s ability to form, lasting relationships. They may feel “other” or disconnected from those around them. They may have difficulty trusting others, and in extreme cases, may exhibit some form of paranoia. Adults who are afraid of being abandoned may over work to keep their partner from leaving or, in the case of bisexuals, we may go to extremes to hold onto the relationship often abandoning our own physical and emotional needs. People with the fear of abandonment may tend to display compulsive behavior and thought patterns that sabotage their relationships. Any slight may be interpreted that their partner no longer loves them. From the partner’s point of view, the sudden personality shift seems to come from nowhere. She may be confused as to why her partner is suddenly acting clingy and demanding, smothering her with attention, or pulling away altogether.

If the fear is mild and well-controlled, one may be able to control it simply by becoming educated about their tendencies and learning new behavior strategies. For most people, though, the fear of abandonment is connected to deep seated issues. Therapy may be needed to build the self-confidence needed to truly change destructive thought and behavior patterns.

My five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. We get in touch with our higher self and practice self-love and self-care and make sure our own wants and needs are met.
  2. It is important to talk about our fears. we need to have at least one significant other who is bisexual and who understands the issues we face.
  3. We may wish to be a part of a support group that deals with abandonment issues.
  4. We can become passionate about our own lives. We systematically build self-confidence and believe that we are strong enough to cope with whatever life throws our way.
  5. If we cannot control our fears we can seek therapy. We can search for therapists who use Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)  which is designed specifically to help those with BPD. Therapy sessions provide skills and practice focusing on stress management, emotion regulation, and interpersonal skills.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bisexuality 2

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

(This is the second in the series on the relationship between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder.)

A study by Zubenko et al [1], using the sexual histories of patients who met standardized criteria for borderline disorder, found that 17 of the 61 men (21%) were homosexual, and 4 (5%) were bisexual compared with 7 (11%) of the 61 women. They concluded that homosexuality was 10 times more common among the men and 6 times more common among the women with borderline personality disorder than in the general population or in a depressed control group. Another study by Reich, and Zanarini,[2] concluded that same-gender attraction may be an important interpersonal issue for approximately one-third of both men and women with BPD. There were no significant differences between homosexual or bisexual orientation.

We can see from these studies that about a third of the people with BPD have some form of same-sex attraction. I was not able to locate information on the reverse to see how many bisexuals would be diagnosed with BPD, but I think we can extrapolate that the number is indeed significant. It is my belief that the majority of bisexual men and women may exhibit at least “some” of the BPD symptoms, even if they do not reach the level of a disorder where it would seriously affect their ability to function psychologically and socially.

So let’s take a look at the symptoms listed in the DSM4 (this appears to be much clearer that the DSM5). In general, it is, “A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five(or more) of the following:

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self image or sense of self.
  4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or selfmutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
  5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
  6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
  8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
  9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms “

The first of these is a fear of abandonment. We will look at this one in detail next week.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. Do an inventory on the nine symptoms. Give yourself a rating between 1 and 10 with 10 being severe and frequent.
  2. If your score is 25 or greater you may have a Borderline Personality Disorder.
  3. If so you may wish to consider getting counselling.
  4. Write down the symptoms that you have noted. We will be covering these items in future blogs.
  5. If you know someone with BPD you may want to give them this website address.

[1] Zubenko, George S.George, Anselm W.; Soloff, Paul H.; and Schulz, Patricia. Sexual practices among patients with borderline personality disorder. APA PsycNet, 2018.

 

[2] D. Bradford Reich, MD; Mary C. Zanarini, EdD. Sexual Orientation and Relationship Choice in Borderline Personality Disorder Over Ten Years of Prospective Follow-Up.  Journal of Personality Disorders December 2008. Guilford Press Periodicals. Vol 22, Issue  6. 2018

Read More: https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/pedi.2008.22.6.564

Bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder

ASHIRT & TIE [small] (final)s I was searching for something intelligent to write about, I revisited the research section on bisexuality. After reading yet another study on whether or not we exist, I asked myself why I was still looking at this stuff.  We know we exist, so where do we go from here? The answer, of course, is that we should be looking at the issues we face, so that we can somehow finally get past our sexual identity crisis and learn how to enjoy the lives we have been given.

Twenty years ago, I was having a mental meltdown, largely because of my bisexual orientation. I loved my wife and was very much attracted to her; we had a great sex life. But I also had developed an obsession and compulsion for engaging in gay sex. During one counselling session, my therapist conducted a survey in the DSM4 on Borderline Personality Disorder (the 5 had not yet come out). First of all, let me explain. Borderline Personality Disorder is not “borderline”; it is a dysfunction involving significant impairment of self-identity, the ability to relate to others, and difficulty with impulse control. When sexual identity issues are involved, self-loathing, feelings of emptiness and worthlessness, and unhealthy impulses are usually centered on our sexuality.  She looked up and said, “Amazing, you have all the symptoms except sexual identity issues.” She stared at me for a few seconds and said, “Oh my god, don’t tell me you are gay too.”  Well, I can now say I no longer have sexual identity issues. I know and understand my sexual orientation. I am not gay. I am bisexual.

Looking back, I think it is important to address the issue or borderline personality disorder.  In an analogue study[1], 141 psychologists evaluated a hypothetical client with problems that resembled borderline symptoms but were also consistent with a sexual identity crisis. In this study, client descriptions varied by sexual orientation and gender. Results revealed that male clients with bisexual attractions were more likely to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Therapists were more confident and willing to work with female bisexual clients and gave them a better prognosis. In other words, the clinical community believes that we bisexual males have severe issues in dealing with our bisexuality resulting in Borderline Personality Disorder. This means that our belief system makes it difficult to make changes through traditional therapy, and difficult to function in our society. Women on the other hand seem to be able to assimilate their bisexual desires into normal life patterns with or without therapy.

If we have indeed overcome our identity issues and we know and understand that we are bisexual, than what comes next? I think the answer may lie is taking a closer look at the borderline personality symptoms. In my case, I may still have a Borderline Personality Disorder, but I now understand it and have learned to live with it. Somewhat like in the movie, The Beautiful Mind, I now know when my disorder is throwing false information at me, and I can simply reject it and function with the truth: I know who I am; I love and care for myself, and I appreciate my mind and body with their bisexual desires. But that was a long and painful journey. The next few blogs will be devoted to the steps we can take to overcome our borderline personality symptoms.

My five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. We accept the fact that we are psychologically and biologically bisexual. If we are sexually attracted to both males and females, then we are bisexual.
  2. We get comfortable with it. We keep telling ourselves its okay to be bisexual.
  3. We recognize our negative feelings, enter into a state of mindfulness, and allow our higher self to soothe our mind until we begin to see the amazing qualities we possess because of our bisexuality. It is truly a gift.
  4. We deal with negative thoughts. We don’t suppress them, we convert them to positive thoughts. We can do this by simply taking a negative statement and turning it into a positive. For example “I cannot control my sex drive” becomes “I can control my sex drive”.
  5. We look for ways to appreciate our bisexual body and brain. We keep an ever growing list of things we are thankful for. When we have doubts, we simply check out list and recite all the things we like about ourselves.

[1] Eubanks-Carter, Catherine and Goldfried, Marvin  R. . The impact of client sexual orientation and gender on clinical judgments and diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Journal of Clinical Psychology. March, 2006

Creative Imagination and Bisexuality

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the sixth in the series on applying Napoleon Hill’s principles for financial success to how we can shape our bisexuality into creating a life that we would truly love to live.)

According to Napoleon Hill, there are two types of imagination – synthetic and creative.[1] Synthetic imagination involves the arranging of old concepts, ideas, or plans into new combinations. To use this form of imagination, we have to rely on the words and actions of others combined with our own past experiences. This is what the brain typically does best. It takes in new information and uses synthetic imagination to build on past experiences to make moderate changes to enhance life. This works well if we love the life we are living; however, if we feel a deep discontent with our past and present, we will need to make a paradigm shift. This requires creative imagination which inevitably will bring us into conflict with our ego mind which wants to maintain the status quo with only moderate changes.

This yearning and discontent can then be transformed into desire and become a powerful energy source for change. This activates our higher self which will always operate for our higher purpose. It then sets to work using creative imaginations to create new ideas.  Eventually, these ideas can come together to formulate specific goals and plans. Hill suggests that when we put our plans into detailed writing with a specific time frame, the higher self then connects with the infinite intelligence causing our minds to vibrate at higher frequencies. The universe or infinite intelligence then seems to give life and guidance to our ideas that can help us transform our plans into reality.

So how does one then apply creative imagination to our sex life? As bisexuals, we often feel strong discontent with ourselves and the lives we are living.  We often feel powerless in making the changes we will need to make in order to bring about the necessary changes. In fact, it is change that we fear most. This is where we have to allow our discontent to transform into a desire for change. Once this desire is strong enough, our higher self will get engaged to bring us back to our life purpose which is to grow and expand through love for self and love for life. Once this desire grows in vibration, the higher self will begin to call in direction and knowledge from the infinite intelligence. The higher self then employs creative imagination to turn these vibrations into ideas. From these ideas we can begin to make plans to change our lives and create the kind of life that we would truly love to live.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. We can allow our discontent to surface until it becomes a desire for change. We allow our higher self to take control and employ creative imagination to formulate plans for change.
  2. We put them in writing and set a timeline for change.
  3. We put these words someplace where we will remember to read them just before going to bed so that the higher self can work with the infinite intelligence to bring this plans into reality even while we sleep.
  4. We review the plan again in the morning and wait upon the higher self to give direction through hunches and insights. We can act upon these insights and keep doing this until the plans have all been brought into the physical world.
  5. We celebrate our victories and make new goals and plans. We are now in the process of creating the life we would truly love to live.

 

 

[1] Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. Dover Publications INC.. New York. 2015

 

Knowledge and Bisexuality

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the fifth in the series on applying Napoleon Hill’s principles for financial success to how we can shape our bisexuality into creating a life that we would truly love to live.)

“Knowledge will not attract (our desire) unless it is organized, and intelligently directed, through practical plans of action to the definite end of (living the life that we love to live)”.[1]

If you are reading this article, it is probably because you are seeking knowledge about bisexuality. But how much do we actually have to know in order to live the life we would love to live? What we are seeking is not knowledge but to actually educate ourselves. The Latin word educo means “to draw out or develop from within”. That knowledge on how to live the life that we would love to live is already there inside of us; we just have to draw it out.

According to Hill there are two types of knowledge – general and specialized. What you are seeking in this article is specialized knowledge. I am a psychologist and a bisexual; therefore, by processing the information I have gathered and applying it to my own life, I hopefully have some specialized knowledge to tell. In truth, yes, I do have some specialized knowledge, but my main goal is to help you educate yourself by helping you draw out what you already know and applying it to your own life.

First of all let’s decide on the sort of specialized knowledge we require and the purpose for which it is needed. Yes, it helps to know that we are not alone, and approximately five percent of men and 15 percent of women heterosexuals have at some time experimented with same sex relationships. If we do the math. one of every ten people may be considered bisexual. Knowledge will also help us know where we can meet other bisexual people for relationship, companionship, and just general support in developing new thought patterns. But what else is really necessary?

What we really want to do is develop our general knowledge. We need to somehow come up with a new thought about ourselves and how we can handle the circumstances of our present situation. If we are burdened with a bunch of negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves, we have to somehow change the way we think. We have to overhaul our general knowledge mechanisms. We need to think new thoughts.  This new thought then has to be nurtured and organized into a new self-concept that we are indeed worthy, powerful, and beautiful.

The place to start is with our discontents and dissatisfactions. What is impeding us from being the people we want to be? We need to take inventory. Every time we have a negative thought about ourselves, we have to challenge it. We need to apply some good old cognitive therapy. For example, “I hate myself,” becomes, “I have a negative feeling whenever I think about gay or lesbian sex”. Okay, we are making progress. Now we can challenge that thought “Why do I feel bad whenever I think of gay or lesbian sex?” The answer might be, “Because my friends make a lot of gay jokes, and if I want to be with my friends, I have to stop having these thoughts.” Aha! Now we are getting somewhere. Where do these thoughts come from? Well they come from our basic biological make up and have developed over time to being a core part of our being. We can therefore conclude, “If my friends are real friends, they will have to love me for who I am, if not they are not real friends anyway.” Whenever we challenge our negative thoughts, we should always come back to the essential core belief of generalized knowledge, namely, “I am in complete control of my mind; I can control and direct all my thoughts; I am powerful and I am beautiful; and my bisexuality is a gift to be nurtured and enjoyed”. All our thoughts have to be in harmony with this core belief.

We can then use the power of our imaginations to organize and put this new knowledge to work. The next step is to take action. We tell our friends how we feel and engage them in some honest discussion. They may respond with their own feelings and fears. Women do this naturally, we men have to work at it to make it happen. Above all, we make a commitment to ourselves to live honestly, walk tall, and speak from the heart. In other words we have “organized, and intelligently directed” our thoughts and formulated “practical plans of action to the definite end” of living the life we would truly love to live.

[1] Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. Dover Publication, Inc. 2015. (Page 64).

My five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. We challenge our negative thoughts and turn them into positive ones.
  2. We develop our self-concept by understanding ourselves, the way we think, and how we organize our thoughts. If our self-concept is negative we change it. If it is positive we celebrate.
  3. We refuse to accept anything that lowers our self-esteem. We actually should learn to admire ourselves for what we have accomplished and the hardships we have overcome or are in the process of overcoming.
  4. We put our new self-concept and our new self-esteem into action. We deal with issues and with our relationships with confidence. We do not fear criticism; we welcome it. It is our opportunity to grow.
  5. We plan our life and take steps to make it the kind of life we love to live.

Auto-Suggestion and Bisexuality

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the fourth in the series on applying Napoleon Hill’s principles for financial success to how we can shape our bisexuality into creating a life that we would truly love to live.)

According to Napoleon Hill, auto-suggestion is “the agency of communication between the part of the mind where conscious thought takes place, and that which serves as the seat of action for the subconscious mind (higher self).” [1]

Most of us live continuously within our conscious mind. Biologically, it is the constant process of sensing, turning senses into perceptions, and then processing the new information in the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC). The OFC does this by referring to past mind sets involving memories and emotion. It then sets plans of action and carries them out. Once we have completed the task, the new information is connected through creating neural pathways to past mind sets. Thus we continue to experience and grow. But is that all there is?

Hill suggests that there is another part of us that functions apart from the conscious mind. He refers to it as the subconscious. However, we now know that the subconscious is merely mind sets, or neural pathways, involving implicit and explicit memories attached to strong emotions. Frequently these emotions are based on negative experiences and fears that serve as guides or blocks to taking actions into the unknown. However, we do not grow unless we are willing to take some risks. This leads to my thesis that we have a higher power that drives us on to become better and better human beings. It operates in the realm of imagination and by taking steps into the unknown. It wants to experience and grow.

We can perceive life then as a battle between our conscious mind with its subconscious fears and our higher self with its desire to grow. According to Hill, the way to move from the conscious mind to the higher self is through the power of Auto-Suggestion.  Hill states that we do this by forming a plan under the intuitive guidance of the higher self and developing a procedure to bypass the fears of the conscious mind. He suggests that we put this plan into writing, and repeat it over and over again until a clear picture of the plan is formed in our conscious mind, thereby removing the fear of the unknown. This includes the pleasure feeling of what it would be like to obtain our desires. Instead of fear of failure or the unknown, the conscious mind now has a desire and an expectation for the hoped for outcome. But we still have to battle against the old paragigms of the subconscious mind.

Hill suggests that our ability to use the principle of auto-suggestion will depend upon our ability to concentrate upon a given desire until that desire becomes a burning obsession. Once that obsession is in place we can expect the higher self to connect with the Infinite Intelligence to intuitively provide the conscious mind with a step by step plan. The law of Attraction will then come into effect whereby The Universe will provide everything that is necessary to bring our desires into material reality.

According to Hill we employ the following three-step process for auto-suggestion:

  1. Make a plan including the goal, time limit, and what you will give in return
  2. Create a written copy and post it where you can see it and read it just before retiring and upon arising, until it is memorized.
  3. Repeat this plan vocally day and night until you can see in your imagination the money (desire) you intend to accumulate.

For example, here is the plan on which I am now working:

By June 30, 2019, I will have sold 1000 copies of my latest book, The Room, which is about the emotions and feelings associated with depression. In return I will give readings, book launches, and whatever service needed to market my book. I will then submit my book for provincial and national contests and receive the Governor General’s Award and the twenty-five thousand dollars that goes with it. 

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. We call up our higher self by getting into a state of mindfulness and dreaming up what it would be like to live the life of our dreams. We stay in a state of mindfulness allowing our higher self to formulate a step by step plan  to achieve our dream.
  2. We write and post that plan where we can see it and recite it day and night until it is memorized.
  3. We continue reciting this plan until we can feel what it is like to have the desires fulfilled.
  4. We will begin to receive hunches on what we have to do to achieve our desires, and we immediately act upon them.
  5. We follow these intuitive suggestions step by step until our desires and dreams become a reality.

[1] Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. Dover Publications Inc..2015. (page 57)

Bisexuality and Belief In Ourselves

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

(This is the third in the series on applying Napoleon Hill’s principles for financial success to how we can shape our bisexuality into creating a life that we would truly love to live.)

How do we build belief in ourselves? Napoleon Hill seems to have the answer. He calls it auto-suggestion, which is essentially the power of positive thinking, with the emphasis on thinking. Thoughts are bursts of mind energy and therefore powerful tools in building the life we would love to live. Hill suggests that we can change our present reality through repetition of positive thoughts. He instructs us to formulate a positive thought related to a specific goal and “repeat it in audible words, day after day, until these vibrations of sound have reached our subconscious mind.” He further advocates that we make “a simple arrangement of positive thought impulses stated in writing, memorized, and repeated, until they become the working equipment of the subconscious faculty of our mind.”[1]

There are three aspects to this formula that I believe we should underline and note. The first is the faculty of our subconscious mind. Hill was no doubt influenced by the works of Sigmund Freud, a psychologist who believed all the ills of a troubled mind were located in the subconscious. Of course, he was dealing with mental illness, but what about the rest of us that are only half insane? We now know that the subconscious mind is a collection of mind states that involve complex neural pathways based on past implicit and explicit memories that are linked to powerful emotions. Whenever the orbitofrontal cortex is evaluating a potentially threatening situation, it will juggle negative and positive mind sets looking for a possible solution. Because the negative neural pathways are loaded with negative emotion, they will frequently override our positive feelings and desires. As a result, we will be reluctant to pursue a path that could lead to positive outcomes because of the fear that is embedded in our neural pathways.

In order to move forward with our lives, we have to find a way of subduing these powerful mindsets with positive feelings. One of the ways of doing this is through creation of positive thoughts, but these thoughts have to be loaded with the energy of positive feelings. Hill suggests that one way of doing this is to view the desired outcome as though it is already being experienced.

Which brings us to the second point of note which is Hill’s referral to vibrations. In order to make the positive thoughts vibrate at a high enough frequency to overcome the energy supplied by the fear mechanism from the  amygdala, we have to really feel the energy coming from the nucleus accumbens in the pleasure center of the brain.  In other words we have to magnify this vibration by really feeling and experiencing the hoped for pleasurable experience.

I would suggest that we have yet another source of positive energy that is from the higher self,  is spiritual in nature,  and is connected to the ultimate source of positive power that comes from the universal intelligence. This vibration is slower and deeper and can be accessed through mindfulness where we shut down the main function of the orbitofrontal cortex and just experience the feelings of success and well-being which will automatically engage the pleasure center of the brain. While in this mindful state we can engage in positive thoughts about the wonderful person we already are and we can call upon the powers of the universe to bring into physical reality the object of our desires.

The third factor centers around repetition. By repeating these pleasant thoughts and feeling several times a day, the neural pathways are reinforced and become stronger. By constant repetition of thought and feeling, the subconscious mind will automatically access the more powerful pleasure vibration rather than the lesser fear vibration whenever the environment sends us a new problem connected to these thought patterns. We can now employ our subconscious mind to work for us instead of against us.

 

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals; again we will rely on the suggestions given by Napoleon Hill,[2] but we will adapt them to successful living rather that monetary success.

  1. Through mindful connection with our higher self, we realize that we have the ability to achieve whatever our heart desires. We can now engage our thought energy to accomplish our goals.
  2. Hill suggests that we commit ourselves to spending 30 minutes a day to thinking and feeling what it would feel like to be the person we want to be. I have not been able to sustain 30 minutes, but fifteen works really well for me.
  3. We spend ten minutes a day developing our self-confidence by repeating over and over again that through the power of our higher self we have the ability and the power to do whatever it is we have to do.
  4. We do this day after day until we become the person we want to be, achieve the goal we wish to achieve, and live the life we want to live.
  5. We make a commitment to do no harm to anyone else. We will cooperate with others in reaching their goals. They will believe in us because we will believe in them.

[1] Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. Dover Publications. 2015.  (page 41)

[2] Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. Dover Publications. 2015. (Page 42)