Honesty, Bisexuality and Marraige

logo_2The next step in honesty is with others.  For gay men, this means coming out to family and friends, but for bisexual men it becomes much more complex.  It means coming out to our wives or female partners and  that means possibly coming out to the  children.  We have to do this for ourselves as much as for them. Living a double life will destroy us unless we are very cold and callous. We owe it to ourselves as conscious people to free ourselves from the trauma associated with the guilt. In addition, bisexual men must be honest with their partners.  We owe it to them.  They have trusted us with their lives and their hearts. We must not be cowards and wait for them to find out.  We have to be men, be honest, and honor that trust.

How to live a bisexual life is an extremely difficult proposition for bisexual married men. In my opinion, there are essentially three ways to go. The healthiest course for most struggling, married, bisexual men is to consciously look at all the possibilities and consequences and decide what action will best satisfy their own wants and needs. This may sound selfish but being dishonest and living an unconscious destructive life is a sad alternative not only for yourself but for everyone connected to you.

The one most bisexual men choose is to continue to go on with the stress and guilt of gay encounters. He pursues this conflicting dual lifestyle until he is caught and the spouse makes the decision for him. Most of the time this leads to immediate rejection, abandonment, and divorce. On occasion, the wife’s desire to maintain the relationship leads to counselling and an ultimatum whereby he agrees to stop having gay encounters. In this case, he usually falls back on his gay pursuits and is eventually right back to where he started.

The second course is to accept the gay half of his bisexual body and soul. He seeks relationships with other men until he finds a lover with whom he can form a marriage-like relationship. He confronts his spouse with the situation which often  seems to come from out of the blue for her, causing extreme anxiety and pain. The children usually take the side of the wounded mother and back-off or break their relationship with their father. The husband then seeks a divorce, shaking himself free of the heterosexual conflicts of his bisexuality. His new gay relationship often falters and fails and the bisexual man finds himself alone.  For some this is the best of both worlds. He can find sex when he needs it and otherwise adjusts to the  joys of living a single life. However, this tends to be a lonely and painful life for most bisexual men and they often seek a relationship with another woman and the problems start all over again.

For many bisexual men I believe it is best to try to stay with their wife and families in an honest and open relationship. Honor her by giving her the gift of truth and choice. Tell your spouse about your gay sexual desires.  Do not paint it over with how you will “be good” from now on. She has to understand that you will still have to deal with powerful gay desires and perhaps compulsive behaviors. Encourage her to ask all her questions and reply honestly and emotionally.  Be ready to tell her about your gay experiences. Be prepared to accept that she may want out of the relationship.

There is a possibility you can reach an agreement where your spouse can accept and accommodate your need for gay experiences. She has to understand that your sexual desires with men are no threat to the relationship. In other words, she has to see that she is not competing with another woman, but merely helping you live a life where your sexual desires are met in such a way that they do not take on the baggage of shame and guilt that can destroy your soul and the foundation of the relationship.This is an excellent option, but it is very difficult to find a woman who is willing and able to accommodate your gay desires.

The final option, and in my opinion, the one that most women will warm up to, is to express your desire to live a monogamous life.This is a very difficult route for most bisexual men but there is a possibility that you can do it with her help and support.  Tell her how you feel about her and why you want to continue your relationship.   She has to truly see the beautiful gifts of gentleness, compassion, and sensitivity that you can offer her and the children from your bisexual soul. She has to see that the father of her children genuinely cares for her and them. She has to see that she can still rely of you for support, warmth, and intimacy. There is a possibility that you can renew the passion of your relationship and that she may be able to meet all your sexual needs. If you are still battling compulsive gay desires she may be open to you using gay pornography and masturbation to deal with those compulsions.  Whatever the solution, work it out together and then be prepared to work on it, and all the emotions and feeling that go along with it, on a day to day basis.  This can not be an ultimatum; she has to accept the fact that you may falter or fail, so make sure you lay the groundwork so that you are free to confide in her and alter the program if you should falter but never use this as an backdoor to failure.  There can be no back door.  The children do not need to know about your conflicting sexuality, but if they figure it out by themselves be prepared to discuss it with them on a need-to-know basis.  In time, if you stay with it and work on it together, it will become easier and perhaps even warmer, richer and more self-fulfilling as the years go by.

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