Category: Bisexual women

Bisexuality and Fluidity

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

Our bisexuality is not a static orientation; it changes; however, we consistently perceive and interact as bisexual over time.  Lisa Diamond of the University of Utah, using a subset of participants from a longitudinal study, measured variability in same-sex and other-sex sexual motivation over a span of 10 years, during which women also provided saliva samples for the assessment of their estrogen levels[1]. Using a dynamic wave approach rather than a static model she was able to place processes of change at the center and discover multiple processes responsible for stability and change over time. She concluded that we adopt different sexual identities at different stages in our lives, and that these identities may shape our subsequent awareness and participation in same-sex and other-sex relationships. In other words, the label affects the behavior, as well as the opposite, that the behavior affects the label. Although her research applies mainly to bisexual women, there is some indication that her findings may apply to bisexual men as well.

Diamond’s research provides the first empirical examination of competing assumptions about the nature of bisexuality, both as a sexual identity label and as a pattern of nonexclusive sexual attraction and behavior[2]. The findings demonstrate considerable fluidity in bisexual, unlabeled, and lesbian women’s attractions, behaviors, and identities over the life span. The notion that bisexuality is a transitional stage that women adopt “on the way” to lesbian identification, or is an experimental phase among heterosexual women, is not consistent with the results of this study. Women who entered the study with bisexual or unlabeled identities were significantly more likely to subsequently change their identities than were lesbian women. Most of these changes were between bisexual and unlabeled identities, and not toward either lesbianism or heterosexuality.  Furthermore, these women showed no evidence of progressive changes in their ratio of same-sex to other-sex attractions over the 10 years of the study. They were (and remain) sexually attracted to both men and women, but they label these attractions differently now than before[3].

I find her conclusion to be quite fascinating:

“The overall number of women adopting bisexual or unlabeled identities did not decline over the course of the study. If bisexuality were a temporary stage, then one would expect fewer and fewer women to maintain these identities as they moved into adulthood. Yet, to the contrary, the percentage of women claiming a bisexual or unlabeled identity hovered between 50% and 60% at each wave of the study. Even more interesting, by the end of the study, 80% of women had adopted a bisexual or unlabeled identity at some point in time. These results do not rule out the possibility that some women adopt bisexual as a transitional label, but this pattern appears exceptional rather than normative.[4]”

One of the interesting outcomes in the study was the use of labels. The “unlabeled” category was the most frequently adopted identity in the entire study. This suggests that bisexuals may adopt this label for different reasons at different times. Some bisexuals appear to be uncomfortable with the label and when they enter an opposite-sex or same-sex relationships they tend to identify as gay, lesbian or heterosexual, but these labels do not stand up over time as we tend to change our sense of our own awareness and our sexual practices over time and come back to the bisexual or unlabeled category. Most bisexuals appear to be uncomfortable with the use of any kind of label, preferring to view sexuality as something beyond the political and intellectual discussion of the rest of the LGBTQ community.  The most common label, “Unlabeled” (which has ironically has become just another label), may represent a state of being attracted to the person, not the gender. It also demonstrates our willingness to be open to change in erotic experience, not for the sake of kink or erotica but as an exploration of a sexual relationship with another human being. But regardless of the label or the “unlabel” the fact remains – we are and remain bisexual.

Another interesting findings is that most women had settled down into committed monogamous relationships. When women were in their teens and early 20s, they tended to be involved in multiple successive experiences; yet 10 years later the majority had settled into long term relationships.  This provides a notable counterpoint to the popular stereotype that bisexual women are incapable of committing to a single partner. Not only did bisexual women tend to pursue exclusive, monogamous relationships over time, but they were more likely to do so than either unlabeled or lesbian women. This again leads to some interesting conclusions about bisexuality.  It appears that we do not just seek sex for the kink and pleasure but more as a process of finding significant intimate connection.

In my review of the literature, I found reference to another survey of 394 men and women, but unfortunately, I was unable to track down the actual study for more intensive scrutiny. Apparently Desmond found that there are almost as many men who decide to identify as bisexual, queer, or “unlabeled” after identifying as gay earlier in life as there are men who first identify as bi, then as gay. The researcher originally assumed women are more sexually fluid than men but found that bisexual men also maintain a fluid sexual orientation. This again seems to be contrary to the popular belief that lesbian and bisexual women seek relationship whereas gay and bisexual men tend to be promiscuous.  It would appear that this is just another example of prejudice against gay and bisexual men. If the finding are correct, we are not just sexual deviants, but we too seek meaningful relationships and genuinely are searching for meaningful expression of our sexual bodies and souls.

 

[1] Diamond, L. M. (2012). Female Bisexuality From Adolescence to Adulthood: Results From a 10-Year Longitudinal Study Lisa M. Diamond University of Utah The desire disorder in research on sexual orientation in women: Contributions of dynamical systems theory. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 41, 73-83.

[2] Diamond, L. M. (2008). Female bisexuality from adolescence to adulthood: Results from a 10-year longitudinal study. Developmental Psychology, 44, 5-14.

[3] Female Bisexuality From Adolescence to Adulthood: Results From a 10-Year Longitudinal Study Lisa M. Diamond University of Utah

[4] Female Bisexuality From Adolescence to Adulthood: Results From a 10-Year Longitudinal Study Lisa M. Diamond University of Utah

 

Anal Intercourse and the Law

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Did you know that anal intercourse for gay and bisexual men is still part of the criminal code in Canada? The law is never enforced but it is still on the books.  It makes anal sex illegal for consenting adults with the exception of consenting heterosexuals over 16 who engage in the privacy of their own homes, which by the process of illumination, leaves it illegal for gay and bisexual men. This “crime” carries a maximum sentence of 10 years.

The question of anal sex between men has been a problem for society for centuries. Sodomy has been criticized by the intellectual community, declared an abomination deserving of eternal punishment by religious groups, and criminalized by various societies. The question is “why”.

Based on the nature of the above law, and my own personal observations, I must conclude that it is because it is a sexual expression involving men.  Men engaging in sex with men is something that society feels is a perversion of sexuality.  Men are supposed to be macho and driven to become alpha males where the biggest and best compete to spread their genes into the gene pool. To avoid competition for women and intercourse is a sign of weakness and a betrayal to the collective advancement of mankind. Gay and Bisexual men are therefore labelled as pansies, ferries and fags.

The second reason involves the esthetic view of eroticism. Sex between women is viewed in general as sensuous and erotic, while sex between men is vied as in bad taste (pun intended). Take for example the sex scenes in the movies Brokeback Mountain and Carol. To most people the passionate energy and urgency in Brokeback Mountain left most people squirming in their seats whereas the one in Carol was viewed as erotic and sweet. Another popular example is the voyeurism expressed in pornography and sexually free parties. A man and a woman engaging in oral of vaginal sex is considered amusing and entertaining. Sex between two women will gather a group of interested watchers. However sex between men simply would not happen in mixed groups and would only be consider as entertaining by gay and bisexual men.

The third reason, I believe, is that the act itself is viewed as disgusting.  Somehow it is acceptable between a man and a woman but should be carried out in privacy; however,  when men engage in anal sex it suddenly becomes dirty and revolting. Another example is the variation in oral sex. A close female friend recently asked me if men do indeed perform anal oral stimulation. Now she is a very open minded individual, but when I answered in the affirmative she was obviously disgusted by it. Perhaps people feel that both anal oral stimulation (also known as rimming) and penetration are dirty because of the possibility of feces as opposed to the remnants of urine in vaginal oral sex. However, obviously, gay and bisexual men are very much aware of this and take precautions with washing and lotions to make sure they are clean, and probably cleaner than most experiences of vaginal oral engagement. This oral stimulation for men is also very erotic and pleasurable and can become an integral part of foreplay for bi’s and gay men.

In conclusion, I believe all forms of sex are private matters between individuals. What people choose to do in the privacy of their own homes is strictly up to them. Laws against sexual privacy are absurd and archaic. If others want to fantasize and be disgusted by their own imagination that is their problem. Get over it.  This law should be taken off the records. It is disgusting and an abomination against fair play and justice.

Sex, Pleasure, and Beauty

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)As I am getting older, I am learning to savor the pleasures of this life with all the passion that my mind and body can muster. I have become conscious of beauty.  I seek it throughout each and every day.  As I explore the pleasures of my senses I am much more selective in how the next moment should be spent.

Sexuality has become much more than experiencing orgasm. My sexual passions meld with the other senses. Making love is no longer a ritual or a tension and anxiety release; I make love because I love life, I love the moment, and I love the person that I am with. The feelings of togetherness dominate my moments and I can focus my arousal on exploring the beauty of his/her body and soul. Sometimes this sense of attraction and oneness leads to sexual passion, but most of the time, I just want to settle into the glow.

As I continue to read Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Eat, Pray, Love[1], slowly and thoughtfully, I am impressed with the beauty of her words. I would like to explore some of her thoughts on the topic of pleasure and beauty and apply them to bisexuality.

“In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted . . . .  Pleasure cannot be bargained down. And sometimes the meal (sex) is the only currency that is real.” (page 114)

This one is about forgetting about the negative aspect of gaining weight and just settling in to consciously enjoying a gourmet Italian meal in a quaint restaurant on the streets of Rome. The same thing can be said about sex. We have to learn to forget the consequences, ignore the negative feelings, and just enjoy the sensuality of touch and taste. For much of my life, perhaps due to my religious background, the beauty of sex has been watered down and devalued, at times to the point of shame and guilt. All of those thoughts imposed by well-meaning individuals have interfered with my sense of pleasure. I have come to realize that those thoughts are not to be trusted.  I will no longer bargain my right to enjoy one of the greatest pleasures of life. The only thing that is real is the pleasure and the knowledge that I can gain through my senses.

“To devote yourself to the creation and enjoyment of beauty, then, can be a serious business – not always a means of escaping reality, but sometimes a means of holding on to the real when everything else is flaking away into rhetoric and plot . . . . You were given life; it is your duty (an also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight” (page 115).

I am leaning to see beauty in everything, especially in the act and art of making love. Seeing the beauty of my own body, mind, and soul has been like coming out of Plato’s cave and seeing life the way it really is. I am beautiful.  My feelings and sensations are beautiful.  I can reach emotional orgasm smelling a flower or seeing a doe curled up in my flower bed, but best of all by experiencing the love that comes from the exchange of touch. Holding my partner consciously and sensuously is the greatest pleasure I know.  She/he is beautiful. I am beautiful. We are beautiful.

”And I will leave with the hope that the expansion of one person – the magnification of one’s life – is indeed an act of worth in this world. Even if that life, just this one time, happens to be nobody’s but my own” (page 116).

My sole purpose is to see myself as I really am and to expand into the most beautiful person that I can be. I have learned to live selfishly.  My own personal pleasure and my own pursuit of beauty is the purpose of my life, but it is a purpose I can share with another human being. By exploring another’s beauty sensuously, sexually, and consciously and reflecting it back  to them,  I provide the divine energy that enables that person to expand and grow individually. And when we perform this act of love together, living and growing itself becomes something beautiful and the source of ultimate pleasure.This is a pleasure that I have chosen to experience with one person because of the intensity of the feelings we can share.  I have become monogamous not because of any restrictions on my mind but because of the expansion of my soul.

[1] Gilbert, Elizabeth. Eat Pray Love. Penguin Books. London, England. 2006.

Bisexuality – the Search for Intimacy

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)I am sitting at my writer’s desk, getting ready for my next entry in my Bisexual Blog, my next book on bisexuality, and thinking of the loves of my life. My bisexuality has made it difficult for me at times, because I have not been able to give my whole self to the pursuit of love with one man or one woman. On the other hand, I have had the soul filling opportunity to experience intense feelings of genuine bonding with some truly wonderful people. And is that not the true and only meaningful purpose of life?

As bisexuals, our primary pathway to intimacy is essentially sexual in nature. For heterosexual men and women, even in the workplace, they are always subconsciously and sometime consciously aware of the attractiveness of someone from the opposite sex.  As bisexuals we come from a different planet than heterosexuals and even our close cousins the gays and lesbians.  We are totally oversexed. We are wired so that everyone and everything is sexual in nature. All our perceptions are channeled through our limbic system. Our brains are wired so that we directly respond, absorbing the energies and pheromones of both men and women. Everyone is potentially a sexual partner. The truth is that we hunger intensely for touch, connection, and bonding with both men and women. We hunger for intimacy.

For us bisexuals, who often find early same-sex exploration psychologically disturbing and painful, we are often led to a heterosexual relationship where as women we are pursued hotly by lustful males, and as men, we are urged into a committed and permanent relationship by women. For both bisexual men and women this gives us a sense of worthiness (which we desperately seek), love, belonging, and that terrible word – normalcy.

But because of our bisexual nature we somehow never feel complete.  Eventually that relationship is not enough.  The search for wholeness drives us from the safety of a heterosexual relationship to seek out something more with another man or woman. This need cannot be filled with just friendship, and it cannot be filled with chance encounters. The only thing that will complete us is intimacy; and that intimacy is though touch, and that touch is primarily sexual.

This places us at the crossroads in our lives and our relationships. We have to get past the “sexuality” in bisexuality and focus on the “bi”.  We have to have intimate relationships with both men and women. It does not have to be orgasmic, but it has to be more than a hug, much more. The search of sexual connection ultimately has to lead to deeper emotional satisfaction.

At his point we have to make choices, hard choices, choices that involve others, choices that require honesty with ourselves and with those we love. This requires boundaries that are sometimes difficult to maintain. In my case, I seek intimate and sexual satisfaction with my heterosexual mate, and intimate but non-sexual relationships with my male friends.  It has been a long journey, one that I am not sure I would have been able to make when I was younger and hormone driven. But regardless of the path taken,  I have come to a place of comfort with my male friends where we are aware that we are gay or bisexual; we are aware that we are potential sexual partners; we flirt and banter much like married heterosexuals do with other men or women, but we know that our relationship is too important to let it become sexual. We have moved on to the greater satisfaction of intimacy.  We love each other like brothers, but yet more than brothers, but not as lovers.

Bisexuality,Sex, and Self-Love

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Last week we looked at bisexuality and the six kinds of love. Most of the social media regarding bisexuality is eros in nature, and most of that is based on erotica rather than passion. That’s okay. There is a place for that in the bisexual life whether it is with the same partner or a variety of partners. These experiences fill a need for our strong sexual drives and our need to experience love making in a variety of ways. It is part of the process of sexual identity, but it does not have to stop there.

In an amazing book by Elizabeth Gilbert titled “Eat Pray Love”[1], she tells about her journey (literally and internally) to find philautia or self love. As stated in the last blog, our love forms and sexual encounters should all lead to greater understanding and love of our Self. One of the strategies Gilbert used is self-talk, believing that the other voice comes from the inner or Higher Self or perhaps from a higher power that functions in unison with our Higher Self. What she does is write in her journal how she is feeling and what questions she has about life, and then sits back and waits for an answer that comes in the form of a written response from her inner self. During one of her moments facing depression and loneliness, she came up with this response:

”I am here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay up with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it – I will love you through that as well. If you don’t take the medication, I will love you too. There is nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”

Beautiful isn’t it?  Sends a shiver down my spine and urges me on to loving myself more and respecting myself more. On her journey, she leaves behind a failed marriage and a hot sexual relationship (both with men) and eventually finds Pragma or intimate partnership with another man. Just recently, she has divorced again and found pragma with a woman[2]. This suggests that part of her journey was coming to terms with her bisexuality. The process of finding her Higher Self opened her doors to intimacy, first with a man and now with a woman.

You see, our sexuality, like all forms of sexual identification, is just biological. As bisexuals, we are either biologically men or women, but we are more than just sexual beings.  Our bisexuality is also psychological; it is part of the way we think both at the conscious and subconscious levels. We are a collection of cognitive and behavioral patterns established in our neural pathways with a sprinkling of genetic predisposition and a whole lot of environmental experiences, some good and some damaging to our inner soul. But we are more than that.  We are spiritual beings with an inner or Higher Self that longs to be heard and to guide us into a higher level of living.  We have to learn to listen to that inner voice before we can arrive at the core of our humanity – the intimacy and connection with our Higher Self. We can then connect with others and help them understand and harmonize with their own higher self. Then when we can evolve together, we can experience a whole new level of intimacy. Then the sex can become even hotter as it is more focused on making love rather than just having hot sex.

 

[1] Gilbert, Elizabeth. Eat Pray Love. Penguin Books. London, England. 2006. (page 54).

[2] Schaub, Michael. “Eat Pray Love Author Elizabeth Gilbert Announces Lesbian Relationship”. The Los Angeles Times. Sept 2006. . (https://www.thestar.com/news/world/2016/09/07/eat-pray-love-author-elizabeth-gilbert-announces-lesbian-relationship.html)

Bisexuality – Kinds of Love

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Yes, I am a bisexual human being, but there is more to me than my genitals. The key to living a bisexual life, or any life for that matter, is learning to love from the deepest part of the soul.  Kaznarek, in his work titled “How Should We Live”[1], looks at the six Greek words for love. Lets apply them to bisexuality.

As bisexuals, we usually focus on the sexual eros, the passion side of love. We have taken a biological process designed for reproduction, created the concept of “sexual love”, and held it up as the solution to all our wants and needs. As bisexuals, we often seek same-sex love where we engage our passions without being responsible for the feelings of our sex partner. This can be okay as long as each person seeks passion for the same reason. As we have seen, this form of love may lead to pleasure and the dopamine rush that we all seek; however, we have also reached the conclusion that this is not enough to keep a relationship alive or provide for the deeper needs of the human soul. Typically, we use passion for a while to meet our individual needs and then we drift apart.

The second kind of love is ludus or playful love. This is the innocent stage of flirting or teasing. It is the banter at the bar, or psychological jostling in the coffee room at work, or the contact on the dance floor. It is innocent play that seeks to unite through joyful experiences. It is sexual in nature but is more of an attempt to connect through play rather than an all-out drive to seduce. This love lets us laugh and experience each other’s positive energies of joy and happiness without getting into the dopamine driven sexual rush. It lets us connect with and share positive energies with other human beings.   As bisexuals, this play can be with men or women; however, we usually save the play for heterosexual banter and the driven passion for same sex experiences. If we to learn to play with both sexes, we may smile more and regret less.

The third type of love is pragma, or longstanding love, often associated with couples in long lasting relationships. These are usually opposite-sex sexual partnerships but may also be the same-sex primary relationship. Pragma is having a life-partner to share at the deepest levels of our spiritual souls and sexual bodies. When we are in these relationships, we usually attempt to stay monogamous. However, we must realize that the monogamous part is for intimacy and soul to soul, spirit to spirit kind of relationship.  For bisexuals, this kind of monogamy does not necessarily exclude other kinds of love or other lovers for that matter. We may still have our pragma relations with our soul- mate but relate to others with sexual passion or play. This requires a great deal of maturity from both partners.

The fourth aspect of love is philia or deep friendship. At this point, we leave the sexual world behind and express an altruistic type of love. In the Greek, it originally referred to men fighting side by side in the phalanx on the battle field. I believe we are again on the battlefield in our present society, fighting a war for identity and purpose.  It helps to have people that we can trust with our lives to share, grow, and survive. In our bisexual desires to get closer to our same-sex acquaintances, we often revert to sexual attraction, but this kind of love is much deeper than that. For me, my challenge is to make non-sexual bonds with other gay and bisexual men who truly understand and share the struggles of bisexuality.  I have to learn to share my fears with them and trust them to guard my back when I need it.

The fifth, and perhaps most important of all, is philautia or love of self. The negative side is narcissism which is self-absorption that leads to individualism and most of the negative aspects of our society. The positive side is that we like ourselves and feel secure enough in ourselves to reach out to others. All other forms of love should be connected with self-love. All relationships with others should lead us to greater love for ourselves. If we bisexuals find ourselves feeling depressed and experiencing shame because of our sexual practices, we know we have work to do in this area.

The sixth type of love is agape or universal loving kindness. It is tapping into the universal power of love that connects us all as human beings. It is being able to take this love within and then share it with someone else. It combines compassion with intimacy. It is being willing to touch and be touched by others. It is that warm hug from a dear friend or the hug that follows a moment of tears with someone that needs our love and support. As bisexuals, because of the journey we have taken to become mature sexual human beings, we have something to share with others on how to go beyond our sexuality into the world of self-love and love for others.

If we truly understand our bisexuality, we can view it in light of all these aspects of love and connection. Yes, sexuality it is one way to reach out to others as a form of intimacy and connection, but it should not be used to fulfill all our needs and desires for connection and self-identity.  We are more than just sexual beings; we have all these other expressions of love that are better expressed by a hug than by an hour in bed.

 

[1] Krznaric, Roman. How Should We Live .Amazon.  2013.  (http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/the-ancient-greeks-6-words-for-love-and-why-knowing-them-can-change-your-life)

 

Statistics and Bisexuality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Statistics consistently indicate that bisexuals outnumber gays and lesbians. In a comprehensive study of scientifically accurate surveys from around the world, Gates[1] concluded that among adults who identify as LGBQ, bisexuals comprise a slight majority, 1.8% compared to 1.7% who identify as lesbian or gay. However, when you factor in people with sexual orientation issues (presumably bisexual?) the numbers clearly indicate that bisexuality is a major factor in the lives of a growing number of people today.

Gates found that estimates of those who report any lifetime same-sex sexual behavior and any same-sex sexual attraction are substantially higher than estimates of those who identify as LGB. He discovered that an estimated 19 million Americans (8.2%) report that they have engaged in same-sex sexual behavior and nearly 25.6 million Americans (11%) acknowledge at least some same-sex sexual attraction.These last figures indicate that people who have some attraction more often than not act upon these impulses. Some of these then choose to live bisexual lives while others use these experiences to determine their true wants and desires.

So what can we take from this data? Bisexuality is the largest component in the LGBQ community, and yet, we receive the least attention. Two question arise from this – “Why?”, and  “Is this a god thing or a bad thing?” Frankly, I think this is a good thing. We do not need the label, and we do not need special political considerations. These viewpoints just cloud the issues and focus on the bi nature and not the human aspects of our sexuality and how it affects our general health and well-being.

The “Why?” is a little more complex. Samantha Joel, in her article “Bisexual Myths Debunked by Science”[2] used science to discredit three myths: Bisexuality Doesn’t Exist, Bisexuality Is Just a Phase, and Bisexual People Can’t Be Faithful to Their Partners. I believe that society has created these myths out of fear of the greater implications of bisexuality. If we are not gay or lesbian, and if we are not straight, then we are somehow a threat to both. Gays and Lesbian hold to myths 1 and 2 because they need to believe that if you have same-sex tendencies than you must be gay or lesbian in denial or repression. After all, sexual orientation must be biological and probably genetic, and therefore, there is no room for a third grouping. Straight people hold to Myth 3 as a warning to straight people to stay away from this dangerous and unpredictable group in society. There is also the belief by both groups in myth 2, in that bisexual people are just confused with loose morals and need erotic experiences; therefore, they must be just going through a sexual exploration phase. They can therefore be devalued and ignored.

At the root of it all is fear for the greater unasked question and the subsequent response. We engage is bisexual activities because we enjoy it. We have stepped outside the sexual boxes imposed by the heterosexual and gay explanations of sexuality and declared that we are our own sexual revolution where sex is a pleasure of the body that can be explored without morals or gender bias. We have stepped into the realm where gay, lesbian, or heterosexual sex is perfectly normal, enjoyable, and open to everyone.

And if we have sexual freedom that is just the tip of the iceberg. Then we have the potential to be free from all of the other restrictions placed on us by society. That makes us even more dangerous.  That means we are out of control. It actually may lead to a deeper level of brotherly love free of political and religious restrictions. It might even mean that we might destroy the planet as the majority know it and subsequently save it by helping to usher in a new paradigm based on universal love, acceptance, and freedom.

 

[1] Gates, Gary. “How many people are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender?”. Williams Distinguished Scholar, April 2011 (The Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law)

[2] Joel, Samantha. “Bisexual Myths Debunked by Science”. Science of Relationships, file:///C:/Users/User/Documents/My%20writing/Blogs/Bisexuality%20Myths%20Debunked%20by%C2%A0Science%20-%20_%20-%20Science%20of%20Relationships.html

Controlling the Thought Life

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“Who or what would I be without this thought?”[1] For us bisexuals, our thought life can be our greatest enemy. To truly enjoy our sexuality, we have to take control of it. Byron Katie, in her book ­­­, Loving What Is, presents the simplest and most effective method of mind control that I have yet encountered and experienced. She suggests we ask ourselves the following questions:

  1. Is it true?
  2. Do I know for sure it’s true?
  3. How do I react when I think that thought?
  4. Who or what would I be without that thought?

One of the thoughts we often entertain is that we cannot control our sexuality, that it at times is an overpowering impulse that we cannot contain. We have looked at the background of these impulses in previous blogs, but the root cause, even though it is important in understanding ourselves, is not essential in changing behavior. We have also looked at the neurology involved and the need to refire and rewire in order to change thought and behavior patterns.  This is exactly what we are doing with Katie’s questioning techniques.  We are consciously building new neural pathways. I have tried it, and it is remarkably effective.  Let’s just apply it to a scenario to see how it works with bisexuality.

Thought – I need to go find someone and have sex.

  1. “Is it true” – perhaps “yes”, perhaps “no”. The feeling of desperation is usually true due to unresolved issues, probably going back to infancy and early childhood. At this time, we may be feeling low and may feel we need a brain boost. We are wired to proceed.
  1. “Do I know for sure it’s true?” A definite “no”. I know I really do not “need” it. In fact, I may believe that it is the last thing I need. We have now brought in an element of uncertainty and allowed our admin center the time and the means for a second evaluation. We now have a chance to rewire but the impulse is still to proceed.
  1. “How do I react when I have this thought?” In my experience I feel I have no choices. My body and my mind are now engaged to run with the dopamine/endorphin rush. I feel I am betraying myself and I know I will feel the shame after the dopamine withdrawal. At this point, there is a hesitation, but my brain is still wired to proceed.
  1. “Who or what would I be without that thought?” Here is the essential point in the questioning strategy. I now have an opportunity to rewire to positive vibrations. I know that I would be my joyful self, enjoying the moment, the beauty around me, the fresh air, and the smell of the ocean breezes. I would feel peace inside my inner self and would feel my own strength and inner beauty. I would feel in control of my own life and seek deeper relationships and intimacy instead of raw passion.  I have now rewired into my positive circuitry and release serotonin that can slow down and balance the dopamine rush. I can now choose what is right for my inner self.

It seems too simple but it really works. When we learn to question our thought life, we learn to control our thought life, and we learn to control our sexuality. We may still choose to go for a date and have sex, but it will not be for all the wrong reasons.  It will because we want to experience the joys of sexuality without the withdrawal and guilt. Chances are though, we will look for intimacy with someone who cares for us as much as we care for them and make love instead of having sex.  Or perhaps, we may choose to enjoy a pleasant evening alone and content with just our own beautiful Self.

 

[1] Katie, Byron; Mitchell, Stephen. Loving What Is – Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. Amazon. 2003.

Bisexuality – Sexual Addiction or Passion

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Is your bisexual sex drive a passion or an addiction?  It depends on whether you control the drive or the drive controls you.  In his book Scattered Minds[1], Gabor Mate talks about the nature of addictions.  He states that “the real object of addiction is the thrill of plunging into the behavior, not the love of it…. The addiction, in a strange way, makes the addict feel more connected to life” (page 302). He goes on to note that the brains of people who are prone to addiction are biologically predisposed by some imbalance of brain chemicals particularly caused by under supply of dopamine and endorphins. This chemical deficiency, and the empty space that goes with it, creates a constant source of anxiety. Addiction is therefore a drive to overcome anxiety and generate and experience the excitement and pleasure of a dopamine/endorphin rush.

I believe some of us bisexuals with addicted personalities often have no idea what our true needs are, and we use sex as a means to overcome our feelings of worthlessness and poor self-concept. We need to feel wanted, even if it is just for a few hours with someone we may never see again. These feelings are the product of implicit memories developed in our years from conception to around age two. They are buried somewhere in the subconscious mind. So how do we overcome these feelings that seem to be beyond the  control of our minds? How do we turn unhealthy addiction into healthy pleasure seeking passion? Quite simply we focus on and take control of our sex drive instead of letting it control us.

The first step is to strive for ownership in what Mate calls “compassionate curiosity”. It requires that we get rid of our defenses and explore and accept ourselves with courage and honesty. This includes our negative thoughts and feelings that are at the basis of our drives. We can focus on our behaviours and the feeling related to them by consciously seeking to know and understand them. We do not judge our behaviors but we simply accept them and try to understand the feelings that accompany them. We watch to make sure that the nature of the inquiries are carried out with a caring and loving tone.

The second step is self-accepting. That means owning the unconscious pain that comes from the implicit memories that come with the feelings. We have to get in touch with our unconscious griefs, which may be the truest part of our inner self. We embrace the griefs, own them, and acknowledge their importance in making us who we are. We also study our anxiety patterns and welcome them as a guide to doing something about our negative inner feelings. We follow the path to the cause of the anxiety and re-examine the way we perceive and think about things. We then take ownership and control of our situation thereby releasing the major cause of the anxiety.

Nor do we run away from guilt but accept it as a natural product of our desire to hold onto the relationships that we have sensed as essential. Our fragile inner child  wants to please significant people in our lives and therefore experiences a sense of shame when we are doing something that we believe will isolate us from that relationship.We must control the guilt feelings not just give in to them. We acknowledge the guilt and learn to live with it but make a conscious decision not to dance to its tune. If we are partnered, we need to have an open relationship. Secrecy will just lead to guilt again as we shift our shame and guilt from our parents to our partner. It helps to have a partner that understands our needs and accepts them as part of the person we are.   We have to love our self and understand our needs and do what is necessary to live a life where we control shame and guilt.

The third step is not to punish ourselves for what we are thinking and doing but to be kind and compassionate with ourselves. Even though we set out to make positive changes, there may be failures.  We can choose to perceive them as not as failures but as an exploration of our feelings and desires. We can also leave some room to occasionally give in to our compulsions, especially when resisting them seems to drain us of our ability to function, but we do so at a conscious level.  It is a choice we make, a choice we have a right to make.  We can then look at the results of the choice and try to gain some insight on why we felt the compulsion and the effect it has had on our heart and soul.

Above all, we have to have fun. We have to build in opportunities to have a good laugh at and with ourselves. A night on the town to indulge our need for a dopamine/endorphin rush is not the end of the world. We acknowledge the need, make a decision to go with it and go out and have a great time. There will be lots of time to look at our behaviour and make plans to meet our needs in healthier ways tomorrow.

[1] Mate, Gabor. Scattered Minds. Vintage Canada. 2012

Bisexuality and Transformation

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)As bisexuals, we are often robbed of our ability to enjoy our sexual experiences by the feelings of worthlessness, shame, or guilt that follow. These feelings seem to come from an empty space within our mind and soul.  We need to fill this empty space before we can live wholesome lives. This may require a transformation.

At the root of most of our sorrows is usually the lack of attunement, which is the transfer of a positive life force from the mother to the child. The mother figure may love the child but does not demonstrate it through physical contact, focused attention, and especially eye to eye contact. It  is necessary for the child to “feel” loved in the womb and during the first year of life.  It is through this love connection that the child becomes empowered to go out and conquer her world.

Lack of attunement sets the stage for most of the lingering difficulties experienced in life. When this empty space is not filled, there is a constant underlying sense of anxiety. Lack of attunement and the resulting anxiety is  the root of most personality disorders, and it is the personality disorder that is often the cause of a person not being able to form and keep wholesome and lasting relationships. These broken relationships then add fuel to the fire of  worthlessness and expand that empty space in the heart. But it is not a life-time sentence. Even personality disorders and painful experiences can be overcome by the power of the human spirit.

The key is to change the beliefs of the mind and the ego, which means changing the neural pathways in the brain that were formed before memory, concept development, and the ability to reason. That means we have to rewire the old brain, not by changing thought and behavior patterns, but by changing our feelings..

The process of transformation has to be carried out with the combined participation of body, ego, heart, and spirit. One must make sure the body is rested and has proper nutrition and exercise, thereby restoring the immune system and keeping the brain chemically balanced. Next, one must make a conscious ego-commitment to becoming a more complete, more powerful person. One must also keep the energy levels of the spirit up by taking time during meditation for awareness, experiencing, and responding. With the will power of the ego, the energy of the body, and the power of the spirit one is ready to heal the heart.

To do this we have to bypass the thought processing part of our brain and get into the feelings.  The best way to do this is through visualization. During meditation, we create a visual image of the feeling attached to the emptiness or the pain. We then ask the body to reveal the experience behind the feeling.  We then simply acknowledge the people involved in the image and thank them for the good gifts they have brought into our lives, even if it is just that their actions have given us an opportunity for spiritual growth. In some way, we have to be able to see a positive side of the negative, the yin that exists with the yang. Then we take the negative influences they still have on us and call on the fire of passion from the spirit to burn them up and blow them away. We can visualize the negative vapours dispersing into the gentle summer winds that blows continuously in a  spiritual garden that we can create outside our bodies.

In my opinion, there seems to be two sides to each relationship, the negative and the positive. I feel we have to recognize that both are gifts, even the negative. When we allow our emotions of love to mingle with the emotions of rejection and abandonment, we can reroute the fears of the ego into the positive feelings of acceptance and gratitude from the heart. We need to visualize the burning of negative constructs as an act of kindness, a gift to ourselves and to the people involved, because it frees our souls from the negative energies we have created.