Okay.  That’s enough about the science of bisexuality for now.  Back to reality.  As stated previously, the first step in living happily and consciously with bisexuality is honesty, with yourself first and then with others. The first step in honesty is accepting the fact that we are biologically gay.

Maybe if I had had a normal loving childhood, I would have been able to accept myself and my gay orientation. During university, I would have emerged out of my conflicts with a healthy orientation as a gay man. But I could not accept my gay orientation, and I plunged into an sexual identity disorder with a sexual addiction. Understanding and accepting the gay part of my bisexuality has been a long and painful journey. During my young adult years and during my marriage, I denied my gay orientation even though I was attracted to men. Now that I have matured as a spiritual being, I have come to terms with the gay part of my sexual orientation and I have accepted it as a gift that enriches the duality of  my soul.

To many bisexual men, exploring their gay side is like a teenage boy looking at dirty pictures in the privacy of his own room. They do not want anyone to know what they are doing in this ‘dirty’ side of their sexual lives.  They seek anonymity in parks and bathrooms.   These dirty pictures, this gay erotic expression of the body, has to be allowed to be expressed. Gay sex is very erotic; that is just the way it is. It is raw, sensuous and powerful. Bisexual men have to let their gay side out of its box so they can experience this power openly and honestly. They have to honour all the dirty little pictures.

Sexual identity is not about choosing between good and evil; it is about embracing life as it is, in the beauty of the moment, in the honesty of reality. Sexual orientation is a blessing, not a curse. It is simply a part of our biological and psychological make-up that allows us to experience the passionate side of life. Along with accepting our orientation, we are free to accept all the levels of pleasure that go with it openly and honestly.One has to accept and embrace the body’s sexual fantasies and desires. Each person is unique with their own set of experiences and genetic make-up and their own set of desires. There are no stereotypes, just sexual individuals trying to explore the pleasures of their sexual bodies. But conscious bisexual men should all have one thing in common; they should be free to  enjoy the feelings of being with a man in their gay sexual experiences, free of shame and self-condemnation.

Embracing gay sex with all its sensuous details is like the climax of a journey towards bisexual consciousness. This is where we leave our ego and mind behind and enter into a state of sexually altered consciousness, a state of mindfulness where the world disappears and we live only in the sexual pleasures of the moment. These moments of sexual consciousness should be an expression of pleasure and self-love, not a guilt-ridden sexual romp  in a remote bathroom..

Next week we will look at being honest with the heterosexual side of bisexuality.

I have been reminded by a friend not to blog data that is difficult to understand and that the role of a blogger is to take a few simple facts and be free to go wherever the imagination leads.  So what could the study (Thienel et al.) possibly mean.  Let’s explore.

The first fact is that heterosexual men do not need an oxytocin enhancement to approach smiling women and avoid angry women. The evidence – no increase in activity in the dopamine production and pleasure section of the brain. No surprise there because heterosexual men are always naturally charged to be attracted to and pursue women who show the slightest indication that they may be interested.  Moreover, they have learned to channel these urges through their social processing section of the brain and have learned instinctively to avoid angry women when under an oxytocin surge.  Smart.  This also implies that they already have an oxytocin-dopamine system in place geared strictly to smiling women.

Now let’s have a look at gay men.  Enhanced oxytocin increases their attraction to men whether they are smiling or not as evidenced again by increased activity in the dopamine-pleasure center of the brain.  On the surface this is as expected.  But the question is why do heterosexuals show no increased response to women and yet gay men do show increased response to men.  I would suggest that gay men have learned to view all men, whether they smile or not, as potential partners when under an oxytocin surge.  This implies they have already felt a positive vibe (increased oxytocin), in other words – contact – vibe – oxytocin enhancement – pursuit. In other words they rely on this vibe sensation because they know that the man will be naturally receptive unlike heterosexual men who must first use the executive processor to see if the woman will respond

The real surprise is in the increased attraction to smiling women.  This has several implications. The first is that gay men need oxytocin enhancement to be attracted to women.  This has implications for bisexual men.  This suggests that the 75% of the bisexuals who are gay orientated may need to experience an oxytocin surge before their sexual pursuit mechanism kicks in.  This means that they may have to engage in extensive foreplay with their heterosexual partner (much like a woman) before getting aroused.  This of course can be an advantage because the oxytocin surge can be channeled into oxytocin bonding rather than just pursuit. In bisexual couples, this potentially has some encouragement for the woman partner.  Her husband may not be showing the aggressiveness that she may be used to when dealing with men. This does not mean that he does not love her or desire her, it simply means that she may need to be understanding and patient and take ownership in pursuing him when she has sexual desires, much like a man pursues a woman,  Once his oxytocin levels kick in she will have all she can handle from her man.  This gives her an opportunity to develop her own masculine-like aggressive tendencies and enhance her own levels of sexual pleasure.  It also means she can control the situation more and bring her man along more slowly and more intensely thus increasing his bonding to her and the relationship.  This is a win-win situation. This is what both partners truly desire, extending the pleasure moment to its fullest before giving in to orgasm.  It also leads to more post-orgasm time and intense intimacy as they both experience the glow of the sexual sensations they have experienced.

In a randomized double-blind placebo-controlled trial on 18 adult male volunteers, as measured by positron emission tomography (PET),  subjects received a nasal oxytocin stimulus and then rated unfamiliar female faces as more attractive. (Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that is involved with social approach including perception of faces.)  Results showed an absence of oxytocin effects on dopamine release and receptors in brain reward centers; however there was increased activity of the right prefrontal and superior parietal gyrus.

So what does this mean?  First, let’s look at the prefrontal gyrus. It carries out the executive function of the brain which involves personality expression, decision making, moderating social behavior, and working toward defined goals.  In simple terms this study indicates that the approach mechanism for men is located in our neural constructs and schemas rather than as a biological function related to the drive and hormonal system. This is in sharp contrast to the animal kingdom where mating practices are instinctual and biologically driven.  Perhaps, in the evolutionary process, hormonal and pheromonal factors have become secondary, whereas the cognitive factors and the reinforcement processes (or reward systems) have become predominant.

In a follow-up study, 19 homosexual and 18 heterosexual men were again administered oxytocin and then rated trustworthiness, attractiveness and approachability for male and female faces. Heterosexual men showed a decrease in ratings of trustworthiness for angry female faces; however, homosexual men also showed increased ratings of attractiveness and approachability for male faces regardless of the facial expression, as well as ratings of approachability for happy female faces.  These results appear to indicate that gay men display higher sensitivity to oxytocin’s enhancing impact on social approach tendencies than heterosexual men, escepially when it comes to attraction to men. This suggests that heterosexual men seem to use the executive function of the brain whereas gay men rely more on the oxytocin-dopamine pleasure seeking drive system.  In lay man’s term, heterosexual men seem to use the executive function of the brain in their head whereas gay men use the brain in their penis when it comes to desires to approach potential male sexual partners.

There is one other subtlety that we can glean from this study. Gay men appear to approach female faces that appear to be welcoming rather that angry under oxytocin enhancement, which may suggest that this arousal may be for warmth and non-sexual connection with women, perhaps indicating a desire for a sharing of the feminine side of their soul.  This leads to an interesting possibility for bisexual men. As bisexual men we appear to have a hormonal drive base when it comes to relationships with men, but a hormonal drive plus executive function when it comes to women. This means that our relationships with women may be very complex with multiple drives for social connection combined with sexual attraction. In other words we seek intimacy rather that eroticism.

Thienel et al, Oxytocin’s impact on Social Face Processing is Stronger in Homosexual than Heterosexual men; 2013 (http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2013.09.013)

According to the study by Northwestern University that we looked at in a recent blog, three out of four bisexual men were primarily attracted to men when looking at sexually explicit material. So lets take a look at the three out of four when it applies to bisexuality.  The first conclusion is that these men are primarily gay and are sexually attracted to men; and yet, they choose to have relationships, usually primary relationships, with women.  The obvious question is ‘Why?’.  In attempting to answer that question, we come to the ‘heart’ of the matter for bisexuality.

In my opinion the major difference between bisexual and gay and straight men is in their souls. The soul is made of three components, ‘the gut’ which contains body-and genetic memories and drives, ‘the ego’ which contains the mind and sense of self-identity or self-concept, and ‘the heart’ which is our source of love, compassion and connection with others.  The bisexual soul appears to have an ego that may be viewed as a masculine side, a heart which can be viewed as a feminine side,and a gut which biologically leans to a feminine or masculine sexual preference.  The male side is one of striving for perfection and dominance and includes the desire to be respected, admired, and loved. This includes a drive to be seen as successful, powerful, and alpha-male-masculine.  The other side for both top and bottom bisexuals is typically feminine, which is sensitive and emotional with a desire to care for and nurture others. And. of course, there is the gut side with its rich source of passion and sexual expression.

When we look at the masculine side, bisexual men want it all.  They want the ego feeling of power and dominance. They want to feel attractive and in control.  They want to experience  a woman who submits to their advances and melts in their arms. But hey also want the heart sensations of exploring the sensitivity of their feminine side my sharing their souls with a woman; something that is very difficult in a sex-dominated relationship with a man.They want all the social blessing of being a man in society, the feeling of control and power from their masculine-ego side tempered with sensitivity and compassion from their feminine-heart side. They want to be a man is society, a husband in their marriage and a father in their family, but they also want love, pure, clean unconditional, intimate love, something they find very difficult to do in a man to man relationship.

Bisexuality is a unique way of seeing and feeling the realities of life. It is a gift that must be embraced. By embracing their masculine and feminine sides, and by setting free the sexual passion of their gut, bisexual men have an opportunity to understand life at a deeper level than heterosexuals will ever know. They can become spiritual giants through the magic of growing through opposites. By experiencing the pain of self-hate, rejection and abandonment, they can now use these experiences as a source of substantial growth and great joy. They may be able to perceive and understand things on multiple levels because they see complex situations from both sides. They can use these experiences to develop a tremendous drive to express powerful feelings and emotions. They can experience levels of compassion that can truly make a difference in the world around them.

The first step on the road to wellness is to admit that you are biologically gay.  A previous study on a previous blog (Bisexual men and Sexual Arousal) indicated that three out of four men who were designated as bisexual showed preferred attraction to men when viewing sexually explicit material.  This indicates that the brain is orientated to sexual attraction for men.  That means that most bisexual men are  primarily, biologically  gay.  Admit it and embrace it.  Sexual identity is not about choosing between good and evil, but it is about embracing life as it is, in the beauty of the moment, in the honesty of reality.

Sexual orientation is a blessing, not a curse. It is simply a part of our biological and psychological make-up that allows us to experience the passionate side of life. Along with accepting our orientation, we are free to accept all the levels of pleasure that go with it.To many bisexual men, exploring their gay side is like a teenage boy looking at dirty pictures in the privacy of his own room. These dirty pictures, this gay erotic expression of the body, have to be allowed to be expressed. Gay sex is very erotic; that is just the way it is. It is raw, sensuous and powerful. Bisexual men have to let their gay side out of its box so it can experience this power openly and honestly. They have to honour all the dirty little pictures.

Embracing gay sex with all its sensuous details is like the climax of a journey towards bisexual consciousness. This is where we leave our ego and mind behind and enter into a state of sexually altered consciousness, a state of mindfulness where the world disappears and we live only in the sexual pleasures of the moment. One has to accept and embrace the body’s sexual orientation. Each person is unique with their own set of experiences and genetic make-up. There are no stereotypes, just sexual individuals trying to explore the pleasures of their sexual bodies.

Whether it is in the masculine-top role or the feminine-bottom role, bisexuals do share the sexually feminine qualities of their gay souls. Most bisexual men refer to themselves as bottom or versatile; however, the majority of those who call themselves versatile appear to be seeking the feminine experience.  Bottom gay men perhaps experience the most conflict but they can also experience the deepest levels of sexual mindfulness. They must learn to relax and indulge the sensuous pleasures of their feminine side. There can be no urgency for ejaculation; in fact, there may be no need for ejaculation; in fact, there may be no erection. They must allow their male sexuality to fade away and let their feminine side take them into the beauty of the moment of shared body and soul orgasm. They have to let their feminine g-spot take them into that profound moment of ecstasy.

The next blog will look at the dangers of denial and repression. Please leave a comment.  I would like to know and possibly share your feelings on this issue.