Sex has the potential to be magic, to light up the dark part of our heart, to bring the juices of living to the brain, to allow the soul to quiet the noise of the mind so that we can enter a moment of mindfulness through the power of our thought-free senses. But above all, it is the sharing of a special energy that can live and grow exponentially when two people allow their spirits to come together and embrace.
According to Gretchen Rubin, it takes six seconds for a good warm frontal hug to activate the Oxytocin drive needed for arousal and bonding. Once activated, a special body/soul glow begins to form. The body provides the juices, the hormones that supercharge the body with a mixture of adrenaline and testosterone. But the soul is also activated by using the oxytocin rush to touch all the old neural pathways of the brain, not the thoughts, but the memories related to feelings and emotions. It perhaps goes right back to the primal connection of our infancy to feelings of been nurtured and loved by our mothers in the breasts of life, or the feelings of total peace and security in the arms of our fathers. All of these unlabeled feelings become activated, just through a hug. This is the core of our sense of well being. It is this male feeling of self-worth and self-belief in the power of our own minds and bodies that gives us the drive for great sex.
Unfortunately, we do not all have this infinite well of passion from which to draw. In my case, my infancy left me with a personality disorder, so I did not have this resource as an avenue to great sex. I have spent my life trying to create it but it is a very difficult thing to do as I had to leave the inner child behind. Not until my present relationship with my Beloved have I been able to build the body of feelings needed to create this foundation for great sex.
To have great sex with our female partners, we need to be aware, to be conscious that we are engaging in a bonding experience. Our female partner is good at this; it is built into her biological structure to build partnerships through bonding, Bonding allows for the creation of an emotionally stable and secure home in which love can grow, blossom and bear seed. There is so much that can be done in this area but let’s leave that for another blog.
In our gay life, there is sex, good sex, and then there is great sex. Just sex usually happens in anonymous encounters that releases sexual tension but leaves a bad aftertaste in our mouths and hearts. Good sex has two possible sources — eroticism and passionate love. Speaking to bisexual men, I do not think I have to tell you about eroticism. It comes naturally. We are automatically aroused. If we are bottom men we hope for our partner’s hard stiff penis and orgasm. If we are top we look for teasing and exciting our partner before pushing through to our own orgasm. Good erotic gay sex is simple and carries no story. It is sex for the sake of sex, the more erotic the better. It may be good sex, but is it great sex?
Can we have great sex with another man? Of course we can, but it does not come naturally. We have to build that body of memories. We have to bond. We have to be aware of our partner and his wants and needs. We have to make sex into love-making. We have to let these sensations imprint themselves indelibly into our souls, allowing ourselves to create and recreate the love story over and over again. Letting our souls be bonded together in bliss.
If we are emotionally tied into in a heterosexual relationship, it can be difficult to build great sex into our love relationships with another man. We cannot have great sex in a twenty minute encounter. There can be no urgency. It means letting that six second hug expand to minutes and then to hours. That means taking our time, letting the rush linger and build through the feeling of touch, letting our hands caress our lover’s body, the hair, the face, the arms, the chest, over and over again, letting the oxytocin work its magic through powerful surges of energy through our neural pathways. We have to build the bond because it is the bond that contains the memories of feelings and emotions that can occupy the entire nervous system thereby expanding into the warm feelings and sensations that we know as great sex. It is a whole body and soul experience. It is the glow, it is the magic. It is what makes sex great.
Which begs the question – can we have a bonding relationship with another man and still be true to our bond with our female partner? Alas, we will have to examine this question in another blog.
 Rubin, Gretchen. The Happiness project. Collins, 2009.