Power of a Kiss

logo_2My search for material for these blogs is taking me farther away from bisexuality and into the common experiences of human sexuality experienced by all men and women.  In a recent read of James Thumber, I found the following:


“Many a man who loves spiritually is a weakling — a professor. Many a one who loves physically is a brute. But when the two are mixed, he loves with all the fire and passion of a poet and a cave-man… If I ever kiss you you’ll know that — and you’ll know what a wonderful thing my love is. Kissing seems not a great matter, in a way. And yet in one way it speaks the million things which words can’t… A real girl doesn’t care to be kissed, much, unless real love goes with it”[1].
As a spiritual bisexual, I am not looking just for sex, I am looking for intimacy. When you scroll the meat market, there are two types of bisexuals (and no, I do not mean “top” and “bottom”),  those who want to “get on and get off” and those want to “cuddle and kiss”. Getting on and off is okay just because everything is okay; there is no judgement. However, I find it disturbing when the bisexual man states he does not want to share a hug or a kiss.  There is oh so much more in cuddling and kissing – there is intimacy.

So what is in a kiss? Looking at it from the heterosexual viewpoint, the “caveman” searches for the kiss. Why? Because for him it means the woman is opening herself up to him for sexual exploration. And why is she willing to do that? Simply because she feels something, some connection, some excitement in her body, some stirring in her soul.

And then the kiss.  During the kiss she can sense just what the man’s purpose is.  If it is rough and urgent she may back away unless she already feels urgency and desire in herself for her own sexual needs. The kiss then quickly leads to a ‘quicky’ and both get off and, passion wains, and they usually are left feeling empty. So then, there has to be more in the kiss.  The kiss has to be exploring all right, but not just for sex.  It has to be for wanting to embrace the whole person, body, soul and spirit.

A close friend of mine confided that he has a wife who complains about his love making.  She says he does not make love like a man.  In other words, when it comes to sex, she wants to be made love to by a “brute”; she wants “a cave man”.  My friend is an English Lit “professor” a “poet” and I think, based on my conversations with other bisexual men, most of them are also professors and poets. Oh indeed there are many bisexual men (usually tops) who can be cave men, who can have a brute sexual presence, and as bottoms men we love it when we find one.  But for the majority of us (the three quarters of us who are bottoms), when it comes to making love to a woman, it does not come that easily.  We have more of a female brain.  When we kiss we want to express our inner being and we want to get in contact with our lover’s inner soul.  We want the kiss to be gentle and sensitive.  We want it to start slow and easy and build until it touches the latent caveman inside of us so that we can bring the combined “fire and passion of a poet and a caveman” to our partners. We want what everyone else really wants.  We want body, heart and soul connection.  We want intimacy.  We want to make love, be in love, and love unconditionally.   “If I ever kiss you, you will know that, and you will know what a wonderful thing my love is”.

Now I have to encourage  my friend’s wife to read this, and if I convince her that it is better that a poet makes love to her than a brute, I may convince my skeptic friend to believe in the power of my words.


[1] Thumber, James; White, E.B. Is sex Necessary. Amazon, 2004


Reader’s Response to Great Sex

logo_2In this reply from Robert, I am once again reminded of the diversity of our experiences as bisexual men.  We all come from different places and we all have different experiences.  Every man has his own story, his own truth. The key is to understand ourselves, love ourselves and learn to experience sex and life at the highest levels.

“As a bisexual man, great sex is where you find it… but it begins inside your head, your thoughts and feelings about sex both generally and specifically. I learned to adopt the mindset that any time I can have sex either way (guy or gal), this is a damned good thing ….

Do you have to sense that bonding factor to have great sex? No doubt – it does help; as they say, the more you care for someone, the better the sex is… but I’m not totally sold on this given that we all don’t look at sex in the same way – we all have different triggers that are affected by our past experiences and, sometimes, even when the bonding/love is there, we can find reason to engage in sex… but not to enjoy it as it’s meant to be enjoyed. I’ve learned, in the decades of my bisexuality, that I have to make the best of any situation, to do whatever I have to do to make the sexual experience “great” rather than mundane or just doing it by rote and not with much in the way of enthusiasm for the pleasures sex can afford. Instead of depending on someone to put me in the mood – and since I believe that my sexual pleasure is my responsibility – I have to be self-motivating.

Can we have a bonding relationship with another man and remain true to our bonded female partner? Yes, we can… provided we know how to do it and not, like so many people do, stay locked into a monogamous mindset that demands that we only bond with one person at a time and then insist that any additional bonds aren’t possible… or required.

They’re wrong… and while many people can agree intelligently that having multiple bonds is possible, emotionally and morally, nah, they don’t believe it’s the right thing to do. It’s a mindset that denies our innate and natural ability to be able to be emotionally bonded to more than one person….

I could talk about this aspect for days…”

Robert at blog kdaddy23.wordpress.com


My comment:  Bonding is the key.  It is the difference between good sex and great sex. Sex can be, but need not be, an end in itself.  We can ride the waves of sexual pleasure into deeper commitment and intimacy and therefore into deeper, more passionate experiences with our partners. Bonding does not guarantee great sex but it does make it possible.  The rest is up to you and your partner.  You have to work at bringing pleasure and ecstasy to each other.

However, Robert does bring up a good point about bonding. I believe that bonding between men, and between a man and a woman, is different and I do believe that it is not only possible but almost necessary to be bonded with a male friend as well as a female partner.  But does the bonding have to be sexual? But more of that in another blog.  In either case bonding is where it’s at .  Bonding is where we share soul and spirit feelings and energy as well as sexual gratification.

Bisexuality – Beyond Gender – Great Sex


Sex has the potential to be magic, to light up the dark part of our heart, to bring the juices of living to the brain, to allow the soul to quiet the noise of the mind so that we can enter a moment of mindfulness through the power of our thought-free senses. But above all, it is the sharing of a special energy that can live and grow exponentially when two people allow their spirits to come together and embrace.

According to Gretchen Rubin[1], it takes six seconds for a good warm frontal hug to activate the Oxytocin drive needed for arousal and bonding.  Once activated, a special body/soul glow begins to form.  The body provides the juices, the hormones that supercharge the body with a mixture of adrenaline and testosterone. But the soul is also activated by using the oxytocin rush to  touch all the old neural pathways of the brain, not the thoughts, but the memories related to feelings and emotions. It perhaps goes right back to the primal connection of our infancy to feelings of been nurtured and loved by our mothers in the breasts of life, or the feelings of total peace and security in the arms of our fathers.  All of these unlabeled feelings become activated, just through a hug.  This is the core of our sense of well being.  It is this male feeling of self-worth and self-belief in the power of our own minds and bodies that gives us the drive for great sex.

Unfortunately, we do not all have this infinite well of passion from which to draw. In my case, my infancy left me with a personality disorder, so I did not have this resource as an avenue to great sex.  I have spent my life trying to create it but it is a very difficult thing to do as I had to leave the inner child behind. Not until my present relationship with my Beloved have I been able to build the body of feelings needed to create this foundation for great sex.

To have great sex with our female partners, we need to be aware, to be conscious that we are engaging in a bonding experience.  Our female partner is good at this; it is built into her biological structure to build partnerships through bonding, Bonding allows for the creation of an emotionally stable and secure home in which love can grow, blossom and bear seed. There is so much that can be done in this area but let’s leave that for another blog.

In our gay life, there is sex, good sex, and then there is great sex. Just sex usually happens in anonymous encounters that releases sexual tension but leaves a bad aftertaste in our mouths and hearts. Good sex has two possible sources — eroticism and passionate love.  Speaking to bisexual men, I do not think I have to tell you about eroticism.  It comes naturally. We are automatically aroused.  If we are bottom men we hope for our partner’s hard stiff penis and orgasm.  If we are top we look for teasing and exciting our partner before pushing through to our own orgasm. Good erotic gay sex is simple and carries no story.  It is sex for the sake of sex, the more erotic the better.  It may be good sex, but is it great sex?

Can we have great sex with another man?  Of course we can, but it does not come naturally.  We have to build that body of memories.  We have to bond.  We have to be aware of our partner and his wants and needs.  We have to make sex into love-making.   We have to let  these sensations imprint themselves indelibly into our souls, allowing ourselves to create and recreate the love story over and over again.  Letting our souls be bonded together in bliss.

If we are emotionally tied into in a heterosexual relationship, it can be difficult to build great sex into our love relationships with another man. We cannot have great sex in a twenty minute encounter. There can be no urgency.  It means letting that six second hug  expand to minutes and then to hours. That means taking our time, letting the rush linger and build through the feeling of touch, letting our hands caress our lover’s body, the hair, the face, the arms, the chest, over and over again, letting the oxytocin work its magic through powerful surges of energy through our neural pathways. We have to build the bond because it is the bond that contains the memories of feelings and emotions that can occupy the entire nervous system thereby expanding into the warm feelings and sensations that we know as great sex.  It is a whole body and soul experience.  It is the glow, it is the magic. It is what makes sex great.

Which begs the question – can we have a bonding relationship with another man and still be true to our bond with our female partner?  Alas, we will have to examine this question in another blog.

[1] Rubin, Gretchen. The Happiness project. Collins, 2009.