In this reply from Robert, I have been challenged to go a little deeper into Brokeback Mountain and look at Jack and Ennis and their interactions with their wives and how it applies to me and other bisexual men. Here is what Robert has to say:
“Most wives I know wouldn’t be that proactive and assume the male role to jump start her hubby; many believe that the man should always assume that role and initiate sex and make it damned good for them and if they don’t, well, they’ll just find someone else to do the job. I don’t think women really understand what their role is in sex; it’s not just about being on the receiving end but they have to be able to motivate and encourage their man to give her his best and more so if he’s passive or has learned not to be so sexually aggressive due to past experiences …. Sex is a joint venture… but not many people really understand the dynamics involved.”
First of all, let it be clear that any bisexual man in a heterosexual relationship has that male side that is just bursting to come out. It is there, if it wasn’t we would not be attracted to women. We would be like most gay men I know and have absolutely no interest or even be (as a friend of mine once said) disgusted by the thought of putting our face between a woman’s legs.
And yet, I find I do need a jump start. Why? This was not always the case. In past relationships I was expected to, and I definitely found no difficulty, to take the lead. But things have happened. My divorce and subsequent failed relationships have left my ego battered and bruised. Come to think of it, it was always fragile but my the sexual drive of my younger years plowed ahead anyway. There was a source of pleasure there that I was seeking that gave me a sense of masculinity and kept my life drive alive. So what has happened? As I have aged and suffered, I have learned to keep my drive alive my other means, like my writing, teaching sessions, and just filling my soul with the beauty I find in the moment. Sex with my wife is now not a drive thing or even a sense of duty, I seek out sex as a moment of intense beauty and pleasure. A chance to be intimate at a crazy level involving body, soul and spirit.
My wife is different. She sees sex as an essential part of her love for me. Therefore, it is so easy to let her take the lead and let her excitement and drive take me into the pleasures of the moment. She brings the old drive alive, and during our love making the lead shifts and am driven to seek and give the pleasure she craves. Am I less of a man? Ridiculous. Being a man has nothing to do with how often you have sex or who takes the lead. Does it mean that she is now the man in the marriage? Of course not. It just means that she is who she is and I am who I am. It just means she is a ‘wow’ woman and I am so lucky to have found her. So why should I not sit back and enjoy the drive and passion that just oozes out of her. As Robert said in a response, “sounds like a fantastic woman”.
My advice. Know who you are. Work with your partner, whether male or female, to see what gives them pleasure. Let them know what gives you pleasure, and then have fun meeting each other’s wants and needs. And use your tongue and ears for more than sweet nothings. If the wife is usually the aggressor and wants you to take the lead she should feel free to say so and vise versa. Keep that wounded ego out of the bedroom. Tell it to shut up for once and dive right into the sensations of sexual pleasure.