Several responses to my blogs seek to inform me that my message “is not their experience” with bisexuality. Of course not, we are all unique in our sexual and gender experiences. Mine was tainted, or should I say, “guided”, by my mental disorders. I can now understand that my disorders were a gift that urged me on to finally get to know and be true to my “Self”, not my ego-self, but my inner-self, or soul-self, or just plain Self with a capital “S”.
There appear to be two types (sorry, generalizing again) of bisexual people, those who struggle with their sexual identity and those who just seem to feel free and easy to float from one sexual experience to another. However, we are all on the same journey, including all members of the LGBT community, and all heterosexuals. We are here to grow into sentient, compassionate people, and I believe that means to grow the eternal part of our being – our soul. The soul is the place of inner-healing but it is also the center of our being and our power source into the realm of the miracle of living a full and complete life. To do that we have to first become aware that we are more than our mind, which is the ego-self, and become aware of our inner or spiritual Self.
The first step in awakening the Self is to find a way to enter into that inner space in the soul. The only way to do that is to seek a place of quiet, wait until our mind ceases its striving, and then just settle into the beauty of the moment. Once in this peaceful state, surrounded by beauty, a miraculous condition known as mindfulness can occur. In my view, mindfulness begins with mindlessness; it can only occur when the rational ego part of the mind is at rest. I believe our soul now takes over and re-calibrates the brain so that it can absorb all the information coming from all the senses. In my experience, the key is to not process this information, but to just let it flow. The spirit-filled mind now seems to integrate all these sensations with past and present feelings. The mind now appears to function in unison with the soul and absorbs the truths of life from a spiritual sense. I believe this is the field of genius where all thoughts come together, that aha moment where profound scientific discoveries are made. This is the zone where creativity is at its fullest and the words just flow onto the page, or the images emerge out of the white of the canvas. I feel that this is the point where we become mindful of the totality of the physical and spiritual world around us.
My first moment of mindfulness and awareness occurred during my darkest moments after my divorce, exploring the miles of nature trails around my country home. As I continued to let my body and my bulldog take me into the beauty of the day, I began to understand the needs and desires of my soul. I realized there was a lot more to life than serving my family and humanity. It was time to get to know and be true to my Self. So I took an early retirement which left me with half of one small pension. When I realized it was not enough to pay my bills, I left behind the ruins of my troubled past, sold or gave away everything I owned, and headed for the volcanic mountains of Costa Rica where I could thrive financially, mentally, and spiritually. Nestled in my mountain village, surrounded by the simplicity and unconditional acceptance of the Costa Ricans, I was free to enter into the mysteries of awareness.
I spent hours each day on my front patio beside the bubbling river letting my soul guide me into a state of mindfulness. In the process of meditation I became more and more aware of the living things around me. I believe that there is a state of being where we become aware that we are aware. It is during this state of awareness that we see our Self interacting with the plants and animals around us. We experience the Self as something beyond the limits of the ego-self. We begin to realize that we are powerful spiritual beings capable of experiencing and influencing the world around us. As we become more and more aware of our Self, we begin to see the infinite possibilities of life, and we can begin the process of deep inner healing.
There can be no sexual identification or gender healing without reaching into the soul, and the only way to reach into the soul is through awareness. Once we are aware, we can leave behind the days and ways of mental issues and begin the journey towards mental health and mental thriving. In other words, we use the power of the soul to heal the ego-mind.