What we all desire, in spite of our orientation, is not just sex, but passion. Sex is fine as long as we are enjoying it at the conscious level, and as long as the goal is not just orgasm for the sake of orgasm. If that is all we want, why not masturbate; it’s a lot less complicated. So what is passion? Sexual passion involves an exchange of sexual energy between two consenting adults for the purpose of mutual pleasure.
I think we can look at passionate sex at various levels. The first level is mutual orgasm. There is nothing wrong with orgasm; in fact, it is one of the greatest pleasures that human beings can experience. There is nothing wrong with wanting lots of it, every day or more than once a day, for that matter. There is nothing wrong with wanting it from the same sex and/or the heterosexual experience. All of these experiences can be a form of profound passion. Unfortunately, as stated in the previous blog, this pursuit of mutual orgasm for the sake of orgasm can become addictive for both partners. . Addictive sex involves a dopamine rush followed by dopamine withdrawal and negative feelings associated with that withdrawal that can lead to a strain on the relationship.
In order to understand the difference between addiction to orgasm and passion, we need to look at one more neuromodulator, and that is cortisone. When there is a perception that there is something wrong or a possible threat with a sexual experience, the brain gives out a stress signal. The body reacts by emitting the hormone cortisone which influences the workings of dopamine and serotonin, putting them on hold until the crisis has passed. But in the case of a mental crisis, the crisis never comes to a conclusion, so the perceived threat just goes on and on. Too much cortisone for too long a period of time is a bad thing. It can lead to generalized anxiety and depression on the mental side, and increased blood pressure and diabetes and all that bad stuff on the physical side.
So how do you control cortisone? Simply by taking the stress out of sex and altering the perception from threat, shame, and guilt brought on by focus on orgasm, to the mindful pursuit of pleasure through our senses. This includes the natural body aromas that involve the increasing levels of pheromones, the taste of our lover’s body, the sounds of our lover’s passion, and the sight of our lover’s beautiful body. Above all we explore the wonderful sensations of touch, which brings us to tantric sex. Tantric sex is an ancient Hindu practice that has been going for over 5,000 years, and means the weaving and expansion of energy. It’s a slow form of sex that’s said to increase intimacy and create a mind-body connection that can lead to powerful orgasms. To enjoy the full range of pleasures of tantric sex, we need to slow things down and enjoy the subtle pleasures of touch both receiving and giving. We do not focus on orgasm but on delaying orgasm for as long as possible as we enjoy the feedback from all our senses.
So what does this have to do with bisexuality? Everything. As bisexuals, we tend to engage in same sex relationships for pure pleasure (dopamine rush and opiates) and we engage with our heterosexual partner for intimacy and heart-based bonding (may be reversed but is rarer). We have an opportunity to explore our sexuality on various levels, but first we have to take control of our impulses and our frantic drives towards orgasm.
For us men this can be a problem as we are physically driven by the old brain to penetrate and ejaculate. Women are ahead of us in this. In order to reach orgasm they need to focus on the sensations of their bodies, especially touch. So bisexual men tend to seek other men for the powerful feelings associated with orgasm, while women seek women because of the focus on touch that can lead to a richer and prolonged orgasm, or even a better opportunity for multiple orgasms.
Women are already geared for tantric sex whereas men have to cultivate this skill, especially with other men, to avoid the sex and withdrawal and guilt cycle. Bisexual women, on the other hand, often find the same sex orgasmic experience so satisfying that this may lead to breakup of their heterosexual partnership. Again when the pleasure of sex with orgasm wears off, they often find themselves separated from the one they loved, and in the dopamine rush/withdrawal cycle that results in an unsatisfying relationship with their same sex partner.
So how do we escape these dilemmas? Simply put, rather than just focus on the pleasures of sex, we can use sex as a pathway to intimacy. The difficulty is in weaving intimacy into our relationships with both men and/or women, and thereby maintaining our bisexual nature. More of that in the next blog where we will explore the relationship between passion and play.
FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS THAT COME UP FOR YOU. I’M HAPPY TO ANSWER.