The Mind and Relationships

SHIRT & TIE w.out white background (final)As humans, we have a great need for intimate connections with other human beings. Somewhere around fifty thousand years ago, mankind saw the need to belong to a larger social group for the purpose of hunting and survival. Those who had the genetic and mental skills to adapt to social settings became alphas in the group and passed their genes on to the next generation. Those who did not were separated from the group and died out. Through natural selection, the human brain has developed a process where one mind can directly interface with another through the transfer of energy and information and thus create a super system between two or more individuals.

So how does this social ability work? At conception, we receive a genetic code that fashions a region in the brain known as the prefrontal cortex. At the center of this is the orbitofrontal cortex which is believed to be responsible for emotional and social processing. The right side of this region seems to be able to create an emotional state and then  send signals that  directly shape the emotional mindset of the receiver. This is perceived subconsciously through facial expression, voice tone, and other types of body language. This activates the emotion system of the receiver through the amygdala and the anterior cingulate thereby orienting attention and creating arousal. Through verbal response, the sender and receiver  begin to share information from one mind to another creating similar representational processes, appraising meaning, and influencing individual or group behavior.

This process begins during infancy. The function of the developing brain is shaped by the parent’s more mature brain. There is an alignment of states of mind between parent and child. When this attunement is conducted in a warm supportive manner, the child understands and feels what is perceived to be right or wrong. This process eventually leads to the child self-regulating its own behavioral impulses. Shame is the emotion evoked when the child’s arousal state is not confirmed or attuned to by the parent. When this attunement is accompanied by a parent’s anger or some other form of disconnection, the parent fails to soothe the child’s sense of shame thus resulting in a deeper negative sensation that we can refer to as humiliation. The way to cope with humiliation is for the child to experience self-loathing or to strike back in anger to protect the self.

I did not receive good parenting. I was neglected as a child because my single parent mother with nine children was unable to meet my need for loving and supportive attunement.  As a result, I  developed a personality disorder which made it very difficult to relate to others, particularly members of the opposite sex. On the outside, I was a handsome, athletic, and intelligent guy who attracted a lot of female attention, but I was not sexually aggressive or assertive. I was able to maintain heterosexual relationships and eventually married and had four children, but sexually, I found it much easier to relate to men.

In my case, the processes begun during childhood continued into adulthood. Because the emotions constitute the fundamental value system of the brain, I not only subjected myself to the positive or negative energy of others, but I also opened myself up to absorbing their value systems. This led to self-loathing because I could not control my gay impulses which were in direct conflict with my heterosexual and religious family relationships. I  lacked awareness of internal pain or dissatisfaction with my relationships which otherwise might have served to motivate change. I  became very skilled in providing what I thought others wanted, but I did not take care of my own wants and needs. This eventually led to a mental breakdown and divorce.

The good news is the orbitofrontal cortex remains plastic throughout our life time. We cannot change what we have received in the way of parenting, but we can change the way our brain works. The most important relationship we can develop is with our higher self. This creates an internal attunement with our own positive spiritual guide which will always be gentle and will never seek to shame or humiliate. Through the higher self, we can overcome early damage by being aware of our thinking patterns. We ask our higher self to verbally respond to the child within. This allows us to make left hemisphere sense out of right hemisphere emotional feelings and create a sense of order out of our own chaotic  processes. By focusing in on our pain and the cause of our pain, we can bring in the vibrations of our higher self to soothe and rewire those circuits.

By analyzing our relationships, we can then begin to function consciously instead of just reacting subconsciously. We avoid negative relationships and nurture positive ones. Because we are subject to an intense sense of vulnerability and loss, we learn to recognize these feeling and reconnect them to the higher self for soothing. Because we tend to over compensate and recreate ourselves to please others – the chameleon effect – we learn to recognize our own needs, and love, respect and defend ourselves. Because we may have a profound fear of annihilation or abandonment, we recognize our strengths instead of our weaknesses and take time to just be alone with ourselves.

I have learned to attune to my higher self.  Above all I have learned to parent the ego or child within. In the process, I have established the following guidelines that I would like to pass on to you.

My five applications for bisexuals:

1. We look in the mirror each morning and establish loving eye contact.

2. We use our tender voice for self-talk, never condemning or being disappointed in ourselves.

3. We only allow good touches from others.

4. We practice focused attention with ourselves by choosing some activity each day just for us. We create our own sense of purpose and set aside time and space to do the things we really want to do.

5. Above all, we shape our own present and future by developing prospective memory which allows us to imagine, create, and remember a set of future feelings and goals and then set our will or sense of purpose to creating the life we would love to live.

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