Category: Bisexual Men

Controlling the Thought Life

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“Who or what would I be without this thought?”[1] For us bisexuals, our thought life can be our greatest enemy. To truly enjoy our sexuality, we have to take control of it. Byron Katie, in her book ­­­, Loving What Is, presents the simplest and most effective method of mind control that I have yet encountered and experienced. She suggests we ask ourselves the following questions:

  1. Is it true?
  2. Do I know for sure it’s true?
  3. How do I react when I think that thought?
  4. Who or what would I be without that thought?

One of the thoughts we often entertain is that we cannot control our sexuality, that it at times is an overpowering impulse that we cannot contain. We have looked at the background of these impulses in previous blogs, but the root cause, even though it is important in understanding ourselves, is not essential in changing behavior. We have also looked at the neurology involved and the need to refire and rewire in order to change thought and behavior patterns.  This is exactly what we are doing with Katie’s questioning techniques.  We are consciously building new neural pathways. I have tried it, and it is remarkably effective.  Let’s just apply it to a scenario to see how it works with bisexuality.

Thought – I need to go find someone and have sex.

  1. “Is it true” – perhaps “yes”, perhaps “no”. The feeling of desperation is usually true due to unresolved issues, probably going back to infancy and early childhood. At this time, we may be feeling low and may feel we need a brain boost. We are wired to proceed.
  1. “Do I know for sure it’s true?” A definite “no”. I know I really do not “need” it. In fact, I may believe that it is the last thing I need. We have now brought in an element of uncertainty and allowed our admin center the time and the means for a second evaluation. We now have a chance to rewire but the impulse is still to proceed.
  1. “How do I react when I have this thought?” In my experience I feel I have no choices. My body and my mind are now engaged to run with the dopamine/endorphin rush. I feel I am betraying myself and I know I will feel the shame after the dopamine withdrawal. At this point, there is a hesitation, but my brain is still wired to proceed.
  1. “Who or what would I be without that thought?” Here is the essential point in the questioning strategy. I now have an opportunity to rewire to positive vibrations. I know that I would be my joyful self, enjoying the moment, the beauty around me, the fresh air, and the smell of the ocean breezes. I would feel peace inside my inner self and would feel my own strength and inner beauty. I would feel in control of my own life and seek deeper relationships and intimacy instead of raw passion.  I have now rewired into my positive circuitry and release serotonin that can slow down and balance the dopamine rush. I can now choose what is right for my inner self.

It seems too simple but it really works. When we learn to question our thought life, we learn to control our thought life, and we learn to control our sexuality. We may still choose to go for a date and have sex, but it will not be for all the wrong reasons.  It will because we want to experience the joys of sexuality without the withdrawal and guilt. Chances are though, we will look for intimacy with someone who cares for us as much as we care for them and make love instead of having sex.  Or perhaps, we may choose to enjoy a pleasant evening alone and content with just our own beautiful Self.

 

[1] Katie, Byron; Mitchell, Stephen. Loving What Is – Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. Amazon. 2003.

Bisexuality – Sexual Addiction or Passion

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Is your bisexual sex drive a passion or an addiction?  It depends on whether you control the drive or the drive controls you.  In his book Scattered Minds[1], Gabor Mate talks about the nature of addictions.  He states that “the real object of addiction is the thrill of plunging into the behavior, not the love of it…. The addiction, in a strange way, makes the addict feel more connected to life” (page 302). He goes on to note that the brains of people who are prone to addiction are biologically predisposed by some imbalance of brain chemicals particularly caused by under supply of dopamine and endorphins. This chemical deficiency, and the empty space that goes with it, creates a constant source of anxiety. Addiction is therefore a drive to overcome anxiety and generate and experience the excitement and pleasure of a dopamine/endorphin rush.

I believe some of us bisexuals with addicted personalities often have no idea what our true needs are, and we use sex as a means to overcome our feelings of worthlessness and poor self-concept. We need to feel wanted, even if it is just for a few hours with someone we may never see again. These feelings are the product of implicit memories developed in our years from conception to around age two. They are buried somewhere in the subconscious mind. So how do we overcome these feelings that seem to be beyond the  control of our minds? How do we turn unhealthy addiction into healthy pleasure seeking passion? Quite simply we focus on and take control of our sex drive instead of letting it control us.

The first step is to strive for ownership in what Mate calls “compassionate curiosity”. It requires that we get rid of our defenses and explore and accept ourselves with courage and honesty. This includes our negative thoughts and feelings that are at the basis of our drives. We can focus on our behaviours and the feeling related to them by consciously seeking to know and understand them. We do not judge our behaviors but we simply accept them and try to understand the feelings that accompany them. We watch to make sure that the nature of the inquiries are carried out with a caring and loving tone.

The second step is self-accepting. That means owning the unconscious pain that comes from the implicit memories that come with the feelings. We have to get in touch with our unconscious griefs, which may be the truest part of our inner self. We embrace the griefs, own them, and acknowledge their importance in making us who we are. We also study our anxiety patterns and welcome them as a guide to doing something about our negative inner feelings. We follow the path to the cause of the anxiety and re-examine the way we perceive and think about things. We then take ownership and control of our situation thereby releasing the major cause of the anxiety.

Nor do we run away from guilt but accept it as a natural product of our desire to hold onto the relationships that we have sensed as essential. Our fragile inner child  wants to please significant people in our lives and therefore experiences a sense of shame when we are doing something that we believe will isolate us from that relationship.We must control the guilt feelings not just give in to them. We acknowledge the guilt and learn to live with it but make a conscious decision not to dance to its tune. If we are partnered, we need to have an open relationship. Secrecy will just lead to guilt again as we shift our shame and guilt from our parents to our partner. It helps to have a partner that understands our needs and accepts them as part of the person we are.   We have to love our self and understand our needs and do what is necessary to live a life where we control shame and guilt.

The third step is not to punish ourselves for what we are thinking and doing but to be kind and compassionate with ourselves. Even though we set out to make positive changes, there may be failures.  We can choose to perceive them as not as failures but as an exploration of our feelings and desires. We can also leave some room to occasionally give in to our compulsions, especially when resisting them seems to drain us of our ability to function, but we do so at a conscious level.  It is a choice we make, a choice we have a right to make.  We can then look at the results of the choice and try to gain some insight on why we felt the compulsion and the effect it has had on our heart and soul.

Above all, we have to have fun. We have to build in opportunities to have a good laugh at and with ourselves. A night on the town to indulge our need for a dopamine/endorphin rush is not the end of the world. We acknowledge the need, make a decision to go with it and go out and have a great time. There will be lots of time to look at our behaviour and make plans to meet our needs in healthier ways tomorrow.

[1] Mate, Gabor. Scattered Minds. Vintage Canada. 2012

Bisexuality and Transformation

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)As bisexuals, we are often robbed of our ability to enjoy our sexual experiences by the feelings of worthlessness, shame, or guilt that follow. These feelings seem to come from an empty space within our mind and soul.  We need to fill this empty space before we can live wholesome lives. This may require a transformation.

At the root of most of our sorrows is usually the lack of attunement, which is the transfer of a positive life force from the mother to the child. The mother figure may love the child but does not demonstrate it through physical contact, focused attention, and especially eye to eye contact. It  is necessary for the child to “feel” loved in the womb and during the first year of life.  It is through this love connection that the child becomes empowered to go out and conquer her world.

Lack of attunement sets the stage for most of the lingering difficulties experienced in life. When this empty space is not filled, there is a constant underlying sense of anxiety. Lack of attunement and the resulting anxiety is  the root of most personality disorders, and it is the personality disorder that is often the cause of a person not being able to form and keep wholesome and lasting relationships. These broken relationships then add fuel to the fire of  worthlessness and expand that empty space in the heart. But it is not a life-time sentence. Even personality disorders and painful experiences can be overcome by the power of the human spirit.

The key is to change the beliefs of the mind and the ego, which means changing the neural pathways in the brain that were formed before memory, concept development, and the ability to reason. That means we have to rewire the old brain, not by changing thought and behavior patterns, but by changing our feelings..

The process of transformation has to be carried out with the combined participation of body, ego, heart, and spirit. One must make sure the body is rested and has proper nutrition and exercise, thereby restoring the immune system and keeping the brain chemically balanced. Next, one must make a conscious ego-commitment to becoming a more complete, more powerful person. One must also keep the energy levels of the spirit up by taking time during meditation for awareness, experiencing, and responding. With the will power of the ego, the energy of the body, and the power of the spirit one is ready to heal the heart.

To do this we have to bypass the thought processing part of our brain and get into the feelings.  The best way to do this is through visualization. During meditation, we create a visual image of the feeling attached to the emptiness or the pain. We then ask the body to reveal the experience behind the feeling.  We then simply acknowledge the people involved in the image and thank them for the good gifts they have brought into our lives, even if it is just that their actions have given us an opportunity for spiritual growth. In some way, we have to be able to see a positive side of the negative, the yin that exists with the yang. Then we take the negative influences they still have on us and call on the fire of passion from the spirit to burn them up and blow them away. We can visualize the negative vapours dispersing into the gentle summer winds that blows continuously in a  spiritual garden that we can create outside our bodies.

In my opinion, there seems to be two sides to each relationship, the negative and the positive. I feel we have to recognize that both are gifts, even the negative. When we allow our emotions of love to mingle with the emotions of rejection and abandonment, we can reroute the fears of the ego into the positive feelings of acceptance and gratitude from the heart. We need to visualize the burning of negative constructs as an act of kindness, a gift to ourselves and to the people involved, because it frees our souls from the negative energies we have created.

 

Wading through Research on Bisexuality

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Having trouble wading through the scientific research on bisexuality? Join the club. This may help. Paula C. Rodriguez Rust in her book, Bisexuality in the United States (2000), traces the research from an historical perspective.  She notes research on homosexuality (or any sexuality for that matter) was not showing up in the scientific field of studies until the 1950’s. Homosexuality was still considered a perversion and a mental illness and received very little scientific attention. During the 60’s the sexual revolution started and after the riots in New York, homosexuality started to receive attention as a legitimate orientation. In the 70’s, bisexuality was noted but was considered just a transitory stage to homosexuality. In the 80’s researchers finally began to address the issues because they felt that bisexuals might be the gateway for spreading AIDS from the homosexual to the heterosexual community. She sites works by two pioneers in the 80’s, Jay P. Paul, Reassessing our Paradigms of Sexuality, and A.P. MacDonald Jr.,  A Little Bit of Lavender Goes a Long Way, that brought the study of bisexuality away from the binary view of heterosexuality and homosexuality.  During the early 90’s we had a shift to a concept of sexual orientation which allowed for a broader view which could explain bisexuality and other variations that did not fit into the binary model. This opened the gates to the hodge-podge of theories and conclusions that we now see in the scientific journals. To the part-time bisexual academic like me, all this is interesting, but  there appears to be no clear cut answer to anything that might help me understand myself better and lead a more wholesome life.

After wading through the review of the literature, one is left with a headache and more confusion than when one started. We eventually are tempted to chuck all the theories in the wastebasket and start over with a new paradigm. I believe we are all individuals who pursue our passions in different ways according to a sprinkling of genetic factors that create a predisposition, and environmental experiences during early childhood, or even back into the womb, that shape these predispositions into a potential orientation. Further experiences during adolescence reinforce the predisposition leading us to fulfill our needs for passion and sexual gratification in different ways. This creates a biological/psychological impulse from the old brain that we can refer to as a sexual orientation that directs us to seeking copulation with same sex, or opposite sex partners, and in the case of bisexuals, with either/or.

People who have been gay or lesbian or straight since the get-go, may have strong psychological/emotional impulses that result in powerful feelings of repulsion when different sexual  opportunities arise. When the impulse goes to the administration center, it gets an automatic yes or no depending on the feelings attached to our orientation. But as bisexuals, these aversion or circuit blocks do not exist. We always have the ability to choose.

Nor is our bisexual orientation stationary. Neurological studies based on real and solid evidence show that we are constantly changing, pruning away our dendrites and creating new ones, changing our neural pathways based on new experiences. When we change our neural pathways we change who we are. When we have traumatic events like rape or divorce, we may make major changes in our sexual orientation in order to survive. But once the hurting stops, we may choose to revert to old patterns or start new ones. Beyond that we adjust these patterns not only to survive but to thrive. Who I am today is not who I was yesterday, and who I am today is certainly not who I was ten years ago.

There is even a case to be made that we are all potentially bisexual and therefore open to all forms of sexuality. To say that we have to be locked into being gay or lesbian or bisexual of pan sexual or kinky or straight is simply not true. I KNOW THIS SOUND LIKE HERESY; once gay always gay is essential to the group political beliefs and the feeling of identity and security of the individual, but it is simply not the case. Brainwashing does work. If you experience enough pain you change the neural pathways, even the old-brain ones, creating blocks to old patterns and opening channels to new ones. Pain can make any change possible. Does that mean change will be easy? NO, of course not, and for some it will seem to be almost impossible, but in reality, anything is possible. But if you enjoy being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or straight, then by all mean continue and enjoy.

Essentially then, do we bisexuals have a binary sexual orientation? Yes, but so what? Except for academia in the fields of Psychology and Sociology, who really cares? The key is to find happiness and experience joy through our sexual experiences and to remember that this is only one aspect (how-be-it and very powerful one) to our complex love and pleasure systems. Thinking about it complicates it. By defining it, we claim it, and our sexual identity can become our personal identity. The key is to be able to bring things to the conscious level and to choose a path that will lead to contentment and wholeness. By continuing to function with this process, we can change who we are into whomever we want to be. So welcome change.

There is not a single sexual act or sexual orientation that you can look at as a source of any of your problems.   The problem is the way you think about it. There is no purpose in categorizing ourselves or others because that very act limits our freedoms and choices. If your orientation is no longer resulting in feelings of joy and contentment, then by all means change it or even suppress it entirely and become asexual.  What it all boils down to then is to know who you are, not just your sexual identity, but who you really are inside. Be true to the inner you and use your sexuality to enjoy your life in any way you feel will enhance being you.  So get your thinking straightened out and go out and enjoy life.

Bisexuality – Sex not Gender

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Bisexuals do not have a gender. In fact, we may be the only group on the planet without one. But even saying that is as much as claiming that we are, in fact, a gender of non-genders. Such is the Catch 22 that Rebecca Reilly-Cooper is referring to in her article Gender is Not a Spectrum.[1] Rebecca is a political philosopher at the University of Warwick in the UK. She is currently working on a book about sex, gender and identity. She refers to the concept of gender as:

“ It used to be a basic, fundamental feminist idea that while sex referred to what is biological, and so perhaps in some sense ‘natural’, gender referred to what is socially constructed….Gender refers to the externally imposed set of norms that prescribe and proscribe desirable behaviour to individuals in accordance with morally arbitrary characteristics…. From birth, most female people are raised to be passive, submissive, weak and nurturing, while most male people are raised to be active, dominant, strong and aggressive.… We are all educated and inculcated into one of two roles, long before we are able to express our beliefs about our innate gender identity.”

We political people in the LGBTQ movements have hijacked the concept of gender for political reasons. We claim there are more genders than just ‘woman’ or ‘man’ to choose from. We have invented a whole new range of gender identities from “genderqueer” or “non-binary” to “two spirited” and beyond. Rebecca goes on to say that there is no end of the possibility of variances in the concept of gender. She refers to this as a spectrum:

“If gender is a spectrum, that means it’s a continuum between two extremes, and everyone is located somewhere along that continuum.…. In reality, everybody is non-binary. We all actively participate in some gender norms, passively acquiesce with others, and positively rail against others …, enabling the non-binary person to claim to be both misunderstood and politically oppressed by the binary cisgender people…... ”

So why the gender? It has and still does serve an important role, both within the group and individually. As a community, gays and lesbians had to overcome the harsh societal and religious  judgement that led to abhorrent practices like imprisonment, frontal lobotomies and brutal forced conversions. We needed a political voice. As individuals we were oppressed and confused, often due to our upbringing and the pressures of our society to be “normal”. We needed an identity that we could hold onto as a crutch until we could sort everything out and feel that we belonged somewhere with someone on this god forsaken lonely planet. But perhaps it is now time to move on.

Within the bisexual community there are so many variances that we could not possibly provide a definition of bisexual gender that would include all of us. The characteristics are not about gender but merely about personality. This includes our sexual tastes and preferences, but it also includes our value systems and our nonsexual behaviors. All the so-called gender issues can be captured by the broad definition of personality. We are all different and that is exactly the way it should be.

As bisexuals I believe it is in our best interest to eliminate the concept of gender altogether. We are not political.  We do not need special considerations. We do not need a bisexual gender label.  We are biologically men or women and we have two sexual preferences. Personally I like to think of it as “making love” with a woman and “having sex” with a man. That makes us bisexuals and forget the gender stuff. What we do need is understanding of ourselves and some supports in overcoming the mental issues related to our sexual preferences. I believe that would be easier to do if we concentrate on our personal issues rather than the martyrdom of gender because of our sexuality. If we eliminate the concept of gender, there is no viable purpose for grouping ourselves together according to our personalities or our personal issues.

Some parting advice from Rebecca:

“One of the first steps to liberating people from the cage that is gender is to challenge established gender norms, and to play with and explore your gender expression and presentation….The solution is not to reify gender by insisting on ever more gender categories … The solution is to abolish gender altogether. We do not need gender. We would be better off without it….The solution to an oppressive system that puts people into pink and blue boxes is not to create more and more boxes that are any colour but blue or pink. The solution is to tear down the boxes altogether.”

As bisexuals we should only seek to model the fact that we are more than what our society currently views as men, or women, or queer (I hate that word). Personally, I just want to be viewed as a loving and caring human being with a meaningful and rich life. Rebecca is right.  It is time to forget all the social and political issues and just learn to play.  Let’s enjoy sex in whatever way turns us on, forget about gender, and just be happy human beings.

Please Note: I am referring strictly to bisexuality.  There is a much stronger case for gender for gays, lesbians and transsexuals, both personally and as a community.

[1] Reilly-Cooper, Rebecca. Gender is Not a Spectrum.  https://aeon.co/essays/the-idea-that-gender-is-a-spectrum-is-a-new-gender-prison?utm_source=Aeon+Newsletter&utm_campaign=3b10c4d7b4-Weekly_Newsletter_1_July_20167_1_2016&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_411a82e59d-3b10c4d7b4-68637497

 

Controlling Passion

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Are bisexuals slaves to their passions?  Before we answer that question, we need to take another look at the nature of passion.  New information seems to be arriving daily, good solid scientific information about human neurology.

We are just beginning to understand the full power of the passion that comes from the old brain which operates on sensations and near instantaneous perceptions. These perceptions are formed by basic circuitry involving the hind brain, mid brain, and the hypothalamus and amygdala in the fore-brain. When a sensation comes in, we have about one tenth of a second to form a perception. Based on this perception, we simply ignore; we engage the Reticular System of fight, flight or freeze, or we enter the Limbic System which is the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification.

So what happens in the Limbic System when it comes to sexual gratification? It takes less than a second to perceive someone as attractive, and to enter into the first phase of arousal.  For most of us, this might mean mild interest, or for others, like us bisexuals with a heightened sexual sensitivity, we may already be engaging our hormones and releasing dopamine for hot pursuit. It is not until this stage that the frontal cortex kicks in.  The administration section simply re-evaluates on the basis of past experience and either gives the red light to cease and desist, or the green light to fully engage. The time for this decision-making is still somewhere in the range of just one to two seconds.

For most people this is an amber light which means proceed with caution, but for bisexuals, especially when in pursuit of a same sex encounter, we are already operating on full green. At this point the whole brain is functioning with full dopamine overload in pursuit of the opiates we feel from our dopamine, and testosterone/estrogen rush. This creates anxiety and the release of  the neuromodulator, cortisone, which prevents a change in the brain chemistry until the goal is achieved. There is no motivation for re-evaluation. We are hell-bent for orgasm.  This is passion at its basic old brain animal level.  But it is very real.

Which brings us to the second level of passion.  How do we build in a runaway lane for our out-of-control, fully-loaded semi on a downhill run?   The way to do that is to re-engage the neuromodulator, oxytocin, which results in increased serotonin and the reduction of dopamine. Wholistic Health Expert, Nancy Lee Bentley, provides us with some insight on how the dopamine/serotonin balance affects passion:

“Serotonin may actually be involved in the “love versus sex” divide. When serotonin is low, (and dopamine is high) researchers say, it also tends to increase sex drive; whereas higher serotonin levels are also associated with an increase in oxytocin, the so-called “love” hormone. This seems to reflect women’s preference for more bonding, cuddling and lovemaking versus men’s noted penchant for straight physical sex. Ample amounts of serotonin make for more “loving” feelings.”[1]

Contrary to popular opinion, men, especially bisexual men, also create the love-making hormone. It brings about a change in our perceptions and refocuses our intent on concern and pleasure for our partners rather than on orgasm itself.  We can start the process through intimate touch like an intense hug. This increases serotonin which in turn produces a sense of well being that reduces the anxiety brought on by cortisone. The administration section of the brain in now able to function again and re-evaluate on the basis of the greater good – the oxytocin/serotonin feeling of intimacy.

Whenever you are in pursuit of sex with a man or a woman learn to see the person as a potential soul mate rather than just a sex object. Seek intimate connection through non-sexual touch and experience the beginnings of a deeper level of passion. Learn to relax and enjoy intimate contact while it happens. If this passion leads to sexual intercourse, we can engage in the glow of oxytocin and serotonin and the endorphin afterglow that follows, free of stress and anxiety. We form neural pathways connecting these experiences to the pleasure mechanism of our brain. We refer to these connections as bonds, human to human bonds, that urge us on to deeper connection rather than just the dopamine rush  and withdrawal that leads to regret and possible shame.

When we learn to control the passion, I believe we begin to enjoy the journey, mutually and fully. We now employ sexual passion to lead us to intimate passion that can become the ultimate reward in our brain systems. This may or may not lead to sexual gratification because the goal is not the passion of the dopamine rush, but the glow of intimacy. This passion involves not only the genitals but also the heart. In other words, we have to use our sexuality to pursue the greater passion of intimacy that can lead to the greater pleasure of making love rather than just having sex.

Can these bonds with lovers exist within a monogamous (marriage or partnership) relationship? That is the question of the ages. More on that next week.

 

[1] Bentley, Nancy Lee. How Serotonin Affects Your Sex Drive. May 2014.  http://www.yourtango.com/experts/nancy-lee-bentley-wholistic-health-expert/how-serotonin-affects-your-sex-drive

 

Bisexuality and Pride

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Has pride become a meaningless side-show attracting political parties and marketing ploys? Is Pride now a family show for the amusement of the straights in the community? Are we ignoring the issues for which many have fought and died? In a recent article in the local newspaper, the writer stated just that, but I think he missed the main point. It has truly become a community celebration, and that is a good thing. Pride celebrates the uniqueness and freedoms of all of us.  We have fought and won the main event. For the most part, our right to exist has indeed been won; the community has recognized and accepted us into its heart, and our unique contribution to society is being recognized. It is indeed a time to celebrate and to welcome the political parties (I marched with the Greens) that want to be a part of our community, and the local and national companies that want to show their appreciation for our business. It is time to welcome families and children to our events to paint their faces and listen to the music.

 

Are there still issues that we need to address? Sure, but they are not on the same scale as imprisonment and forced lobotomies, or being targets for abuse by the thugs on the street or even the justice system itself. I sit on the Saanich LGBTQ subcommittee for the Health and Wellness Committee and we are addressing issues still faced by the Transsexual Community. All our concerns are listened to and approached in a rational and compassionate manner. We have workers on the police force and the parks and rec department that have taken on the role of addressing our needs. It is no longer a fight to exist; it is just a matter of crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s. It is indeed a time to celebrate.

 

In our bisexual community there are many horrific needs to be met, but they are not political in nature. Bisexuality in not just about sex and it is not really about gender. We are not like the rest of the LGBTQ community seeking our place in the sun.  We do not protest or organize for common goals, and we seldom join organizations for a sense of community. We have the freedom to float in and out of the homosexual and heterosexual communities without notice.  But we are complex human beings with an unquenchable thirst for intimacy with both men and women. That places us on the front lines of the sexual revolution that is still being fought. We have sexual needs that go beyond the rest of the community and we are fighting to have complete sexual freedom so that we can explore our sexuality and conquer our demons.

Like many in the community we have a huge hole in our soul that cannot be filled, but our hole seems to be centered on our sexuality. Perhaps it is related to unfulfilled needs for love during childhood; perhaps it is some genetic drive that leaves us with a huge hole that needs to be filled; perhaps it is some psychological/biological intense drive that urges us on to taking risks to fill our hunger for connection. Perhaps it is all of these or none of these. But when this hole is not filled, it results in an epidemic of depression and suicide attempts that I have documented in previous blogs. These are our issues; they are personal issues not political, but we still do not have the support we need in our community, and we are still afraid to ask for it.

Our challenge is to make the community aware of our plight and to make sure the community mental health services are open to us. We need to have our identities protected if we wish to remain anonymous, but we must be open to counselling that will bring the major players to the table in an open and honest way. This includes, spouses, parents, and brothers and sisters. It is our responsibility to make sure these services are available and then to take the initiative to use them. This requires a support network to assist bisexual men and women to come out and accept their position in the sun.  Bisexuals need to feel proud of their orientation and be willing to take their place and dance in the Pride Parade.

Bisexuality – Seeking Greater Passion

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cropped-2016-03-26_0931.pngWhat we all desire, in spite of our orientation, is not just sex, but passion. Sex is fine as long as we are enjoying it at the conscious level, and as long as the goal is not just orgasm for the sake of orgasm. If that is all we want, why not masturbate; it’s a lot less complicated. So what is passion? Sexual passion involves an exchange of sexual energy between two consenting adults for the purpose of mutual pleasure.

 

I think we can look at passionate sex at various levels. The first level is mutual orgasm. There is nothing wrong with orgasm; in fact, it is one of the greatest pleasures that human beings can experience. There is nothing wrong with wanting lots of it, every day or more than once a day, for that matter. There is nothing wrong with wanting it from the same sex and/or the heterosexual experience. All of these experiences can be a form of profound passion. Unfortunately, as stated in the previous blog, this pursuit of mutual orgasm for the sake of orgasm can become addictive for both partners. . Addictive sex involves a dopamine rush followed by dopamine withdrawal and negative feelings associated with that withdrawal that can lead to a strain on the relationship.

 

In order to understand the difference between addiction to orgasm and passion, we need to look at one more neuromodulator, and that is cortisone. When there is a perception that there is something wrong or a possible threat with a sexual experience, the brain gives out a stress signal. The body reacts by emitting the hormone cortisone which influences the workings of dopamine and serotonin, putting them on hold until the crisis has passed. But in the case of a mental crisis, the crisis never comes to a conclusion, so the perceived threat just goes on and on. Too much cortisone for too long a period of time is a bad thing. It can lead to generalized anxiety and depression on the mental side, and increased blood pressure and diabetes and all that bad stuff on the physical side.

 

So how do you control cortisone?  Simply by taking the stress out of sex and altering the perception from threat, shame, and guilt brought on by focus on orgasm, to the mindful pursuit of pleasure through our senses. This includes the natural body aromas that involve the increasing levels of pheromones, the taste of our lover’s body, the sounds of our lover’s passion, and the sight of our lover’s beautiful body. Above all we explore the wonderful sensations of touch, which brings us to tantric sex. Tantric sex is an ancient Hindu practice that has been going for over 5,000 years, and means the weaving and expansion of energy. It’s a slow form of sex that’s said to increase intimacy and create a mind-body connection that can lead to powerful orgasms. To enjoy the full range of pleasures of tantric sex, we need to slow things down and enjoy the subtle pleasures of touch both receiving and giving. We do not focus on orgasm but on delaying orgasm for as long as possible as we enjoy the feedback from all our senses.

 

So what does this have to do with bisexuality? Everything. As bisexuals, we tend to engage in same sex relationships for pure pleasure (dopamine rush and opiates) and we engage with our heterosexual partner for intimacy and heart-based bonding (may be reversed but is rarer). We have an opportunity to explore our sexuality on various levels, but first we have to take control of our impulses and our frantic drives towards orgasm.

 

For us men this can be a problem as we are physically driven by the old brain to penetrate and ejaculate. Women are ahead of us in this. In order to reach orgasm they need to focus on the sensations of their bodies, especially touch. So bisexual men tend to seek other men for the powerful feelings associated with orgasm, while women seek women because of the focus on touch that can lead to a richer and prolonged orgasm, or even a better opportunity for multiple orgasms.

 

Women are already geared for tantric sex whereas men have to cultivate this skill, especially with other men, to avoid the sex and withdrawal and guilt cycle. Bisexual women, on the other hand, often find the same sex orgasmic experience so satisfying that this may lead to breakup of their heterosexual partnership. Again when the pleasure of sex with orgasm wears off, they often find themselves separated from the one they loved, and in the dopamine rush/withdrawal cycle that results in an unsatisfying relationship with their same sex partner.

 

So how do we escape these dilemmas? Simply put, rather than just focus on the pleasures of sex, we can use sex as a pathway to intimacy. The difficulty is in weaving intimacy into our relationships with both men and/or women, and thereby maintaining our bisexual nature. More of that in the next blog where we will explore the relationship between passion and play.

 

FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS THAT COME UP FOR YOU. I’M HAPPY TO ANSWER.

Bisexuality – The Pursuit of Passion

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2016-03-26_0931As bisexual individuals we have an opportunity to experience life, sex and love in ways beyond the imaginations of the heterosexual majority. The key is to move away from the traps of sexuality as associated with the ego and the pains of the past, and move into living in the moment and living by the heart. In other words we have to learn to follow the path to full heart sexuality by seeking the greater pleasures of love rather than the lesser pleasure of sensuality and orgasm based sex. According to Elizabeth Lesser, in her book, Unbroken, “The way of the heart — that inner instinct that draws us creatively into the chaos of life – is ironically the way out of confusion, anxiety and suffering.”

For the next few blogs I want to look at some of the insights presented by Marnia Robinson in her book, Peace Between the Sheets. In her first chapter she talks about the brain chemistry involved in the basic sexual drive. Here is a summary of her theories:

 “The limbic system of the brain, also known as the primitive brain, is programmed to produce a neurochemical buzz that compels us to pursue orgasmic sex, whatever the consequences.”

“Orgasm causes subsequent physiological changes that can easily last two weeks”

“Orgasm can lead to a shift in perception that often makes our partner less appealing and may make us want to bolt.”

“Ancient teachers of sacred sexuality warn than orgasm has negative consequences such as feeling drained, irritability, energy imbalance, health problems, and, most significantly, a growing aversion to one’s sexual partner. They suggest techniques for avoiding ejaculation. “[1]

So how does this apply to bisexuality? First of all, the thought of avoiding ejaculation for men and orgasm for women at first seems to be a deal-ender right there, doesn’t it? After all, is that not what sex is all about, especially for men, and especially for us bisexual men who pursue orgasm like the sacred path to ultimate pleasure.

That is our other brain talking, the primitive brain, whose two major drives are to survive and to reproduce. When we refer to the drive to survive, we are referring to the reticular system involving the flight or fight mechanism, and when we are referring to the drive to reproduce, we are referring to the limbic system.  Both are powerful, instinctual drives that form our natural impulse system. As humans, these drives involve the pleasure/reward center found in the fore-brain which forms the motivation impulses associated with the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine, and the pleasure response associated with the endorphins. In other words our brains are designed for the purpose of procreation and the survival of the human race, and we have a built in reward systems driven to orgasm. For men this is ejaculation and for women it is the contractions that propel the sperm toward the egg in the uterus. In turn, orgasm produces an oxytocin rush that emanates from the female and is absorbed by and combined with a matching dose from the male. It is designed to produce the sensation we call bonding which can be referred to as one form of love. In itself this is a beautiful, divinely inspired system aimed at the birthing of a new human being.

Okay, so what is wrong with orgasm? I believe that this whole process is based on conception. Once conception takes place a second wave of oxytocin is released and then a third at the birthing of the child. These releases reinforce the bond and bring love and harmony between the man and the woman. I think you might agree that the closest you have ever felt to your mate, or to anyone for that matter, is probably during pregnancy. So what happens if there is no conception, especially after several sessions of love making? I believe, like Robinson, that the primitive brain takes over and begins “a process of rejecting the mate causing tension and irritability and a shift in perception that makes our partner less appealing and may make us want to bolt”.  In the short term this is due to the neurotransmitter prolactin which combines with the dopamine rush and then withdrawal to create a mini manic depressive cycle.  In the long term, our systems eventually wear out and we want out for good.

But as human beings we are more than just our primitive brain. We have a wonderful ability from the outer cortex to store and control images and form thoughts and feelings. In other words we build a story around sex that becomes a higher form of love. Our sexual partner becomes important, not just for fertilization, but as a person with a mind and a soul that we find fascinating and a source of self-actualization and intimacy. The sex then takes on a new meaning as we seek to harmonize our souls and our spirits through the sensuous powers of the moment. We seek to build relationship that uses the energy or passion of sex as a reinforcement to our love for our partner.

That brings us to the Love Story. More on that next week.

 

[1]  Robinson, Marnia. Peace Between the Sheets. Frog Ltd, Berkeley California,2004.(page 24).

 

Bisexuality – Passion or Addiction

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2016-03-26_0931Now that our relationship hurts and pains are under control, we can get back to gender and sexual orientation issues. In the past, those hurts and pains may have led to compulsive or even addictive sexual behaviors. All forms of compulsion and addiction are destructive and filled with negative energy. We have to turn that energy to the positive side; we have to go from destructive compulsions and behaviors to instructive mental and heart-based patterns.  That means turning addiction into passion.

To do this we first have to understand or become conscious of compulsion and addiction. The best source of information that I have found on this topic is a book called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate[1]. Even though his main focus is drug addiction, he also applies his theories to behavioral patterns, including some sections on sexual addiction. If you have similar experiences as I have had, you will feel these words hitting home:

“People jeopardize their lives for the sake of making the moment livable. Nothing sways them from the habit — not illness, not the sacrifice of love and relationship, not the loss of a mate, of all earthly goods, not the crushing of their dignity, not the fear of dying.”

“I (Alvin) get a high of some sort. Which lasts about three to five minutes (in our case, an hour or two), and then…you say to yourself, ‘Why did I do that?’ But then it’s too late. Something makes you keep doing it, and that’s what’s called addition.” [2]

“Cocaine (or in our case, sexual addiction), as we shall see, exerts its euphoric effect by increasing the availability of the reward chemical dopamine in key brain circuits, and this is necessary for motivation and for mental and physical energy.

“He (Aubrey) feels incomplete and incompetent as a person without the drug (or in our case, gay or lesbian sex) a self-concept that has nothing to do with his real abilities and everything to do with his formative experiences  as a child…and the sense that he was a failed human being were a part and parcel of his personality before he ever touched drugs (or as in our case, engaged in gay sex).[3]

“Dr. Sigmund Freud used cocaine (or as in our case, gay or lesbian sex) ‘to control his intermittent depressed moods, improve his general sense of well-being, help him to relax in intense social encounters, and just make him feel more like a man’.”[4]

Let’s put these quotes together and apply them directly to compulsive or addictive sex.

First of all, for bisexual men and women, this usually means a heterosexual primary relationship with a desire to engage in same-sex encounters and relationships.  Usually these sexual adventures have some degree of guilt and shame, or at the least, a sense that we are doing something that is not quite right. However, we are driven by our own desires to seek a deeper sexual experience that can give us a rush (dopamine drive) and to fill a kind of emptiness inside that seems to always be there just below the surface.  At times, when we feel down or trapped, these desires rise to the surface demanding a stimulus that can break us out of the blah mood.  When we engage in gay or lesbian sex, we feel the dopamine rush that leads to an opiate response (intense pleasure) and a hormonal drive (a mix of testosterone or estrogen and oxytocin). Throw in an Adrenalin rush because we feel we are walking into forbidden territory, and we have a powerful rush equivalent to a combined shot of ecstasy, cocaine and heroin. After a few encounters we are hooked on the rush provided by our own body chemicals. We become addicted.

At this point, we are caught in a dilemma: we need the rush to survive, but we feel obligated to our partner to stay in a monogamous relationship. Enter guilt and shame.  We now create a cycle of drive and withdrawal.  Our depressed desires become a major part of the feelings that trigger a compulsion for another same-sex encounter.  We now are aware of the possible consequences of our sexual behavior but we feel powerless to stop. The power of the relationship with our spouse or partner begins to fade, and we become more and more addicted. Eventually, we realize we can no longer control the behavior, but we feel we have to get out of the relationship because we cannot deal with the dishonesty and shame. If we are brave enough, we come out to our partner with a willingness to live with the consequences.  If we are not brave enough, we get careless hoping the spouse will discover our behavior and make the decision for us.

At the bottom of all this, there is usually a root cause that goes back to a traumatic event or wound suffered during early childhood. In other words, we were an addiction just waiting to happen.  This brings us back to the inner healing which we have discussed in the previous blogs.  If the wounds of the past have now been healed, the key now is to become conscious of the addictive behavior, detach the thought and behavior patterns from the root cause, and consciously reattach them to positive circuitry.  In other words,we take control of our own behavior. We are honest with ourselves and our partners, and we make the decisions that will be best for both of us. We are now free to change addiction to passion and begin to enjoy our sexual bodies without shame, guilt, and compulsion. More on that in the next blog.

[1] Mate, Gabor. In the Realm of Hingry Ghosts. Knopf Canada, 2010.

[2] Mate, page 31.

[3] Mate, page 40.

[4] Gay, Peter. Freud a Life for our Time. W.W. Norton, 1998. (page 444).