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Bisexuality, Bullying, and Suicide

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)The bisexual population has grown to close to 10% and more than 25% of the bisexuals in this emerging population are facing a hostile world in which they see little hope.  In a study done by the American based Center of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) involving 15,600 students, we see that sexuality is still a major problem facing emerging adults.  Results show that one in three LGBT have been bullied compared to one in five in the general population. More than one in four claim they have attempted suicide compared to one in sixteen in the straight world. Of the population 2% said they were gay or lesbian and 6% to 9% said they were bisexual or uncertain of their sexual identity. If we generalize these results to the 16 million students who attend American high schools, we see that over a million were bisexual and more than 250,000 have attempted to end their young lives.

So what conclusions or suppositions can we make about these figures?

  1. This is in spite of the changing attitudes by law makers, school boards, and teaching staffs. The answers are not political but in the minds of the straight population and the hearts of gay, lesbian and bisexual young people.
  2. Bullying continues to be a major problem for the high school population in general and for LGBT students in particular. This is in spite of an all-out effort to make schools a safer place to learn. If we look at bullying itself, we see a significant number of young people are troubled and are showing their anger and lack of connection by hurting others.
  3. If we look at teens in general, we see massive disconnection and anxiety. These are just young people trying to find their way to adulthood.  It shows that our society simply does not know how to nurture and guide its young.
  4. Most of these problems arise in the homes and are already established by the time the children are five years old. As a society, we have lost the ability to parent. The results are showing up in violence and hopelessness.
  5. Anxieties leading to depression and suicide attempts are a major problem for LGBT students. As parents and as a society, we simply are not nurturing these young people. We are changing the laws, rules, and regulations but not our attitudes. Teachers, educators and social workers, I believe, have got it, but it is not filtering down to the students themselves.  For this to happen, media and social media have to change, but more important, these attitudes have to change in the homes.

And how do we change these attitudes?

  1. It will take time and persistence in speaking the message over and over again.
  2. We have to reduce the stress and the subsequent anxieties of the general population.
  3. We have to cut back on individualization and become more community minded.
  4. We have to reduce the work time for parents to allow for more quality focused attention that parents can give to their young people.
  5. We have to educate parents on how to nurture their children.
  6. In the school systems, we have to convince the administrators and the taxpayers that we need more resources. We need support services for individuals and more one to one time between teachers and students. We have to be focused on the development of the whole child. We have to make each one, even the bullies, even the LGBT student, feel they are a part of a caring community.
  7. We have to help students see each other as a vital part of the community.  We have to honor differences as a source of gifts that each one has to offer.
  8. If young people feel loved and connected at home and at school, they will take these vibrations into society in general. We will not have to do anything to change the system – the system will change itself.

As bisexuals, we have a responsibility to be true to ourselves and to the young people entering the lifestyle. There is no more place for secrecy and shame; there are innocent lives at stake. We are bisexual. We are unique. This is a blessing not a curse. Let’s let the young people know they have a gift they can be proud of.

Controlling Passion

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Are bisexuals slaves to their passions?  Before we answer that question, we need to take another look at the nature of passion.  New information seems to be arriving daily, good solid scientific information about human neurology.

We are just beginning to understand the full power of the passion that comes from the old brain which operates on sensations and near instantaneous perceptions. These perceptions are formed by basic circuitry involving the hind brain, mid brain, and the hypothalamus and amygdala in the fore-brain. When a sensation comes in, we have about one tenth of a second to form a perception. Based on this perception, we simply ignore; we engage the Reticular System of fight, flight or freeze, or we enter the Limbic System which is the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification.

So what happens in the Limbic System when it comes to sexual gratification? It takes less than a second to perceive someone as attractive, and to enter into the first phase of arousal.  For most of us, this might mean mild interest, or for others, like us bisexuals with a heightened sexual sensitivity, we may already be engaging our hormones and releasing dopamine for hot pursuit. It is not until this stage that the frontal cortex kicks in.  The administration section simply re-evaluates on the basis of past experience and either gives the red light to cease and desist, or the green light to fully engage. The time for this decision-making is still somewhere in the range of just one to two seconds.

For most people this is an amber light which means proceed with caution, but for bisexuals, especially when in pursuit of a same sex encounter, we are already operating on full green. At this point the whole brain is functioning with full dopamine overload in pursuit of the opiates we feel from our dopamine, and testosterone/estrogen rush. This creates anxiety and the release of  the neuromodulator, cortisone, which prevents a change in the brain chemistry until the goal is achieved. There is no motivation for re-evaluation. We are hell-bent for orgasm.  This is passion at its basic old brain animal level.  But it is very real.

Which brings us to the second level of passion.  How do we build in a runaway lane for our out-of-control, fully-loaded semi on a downhill run?   The way to do that is to re-engage the neuromodulator, oxytocin, which results in increased serotonin and the reduction of dopamine. Wholistic Health Expert, Nancy Lee Bentley, provides us with some insight on how the dopamine/serotonin balance affects passion:

“Serotonin may actually be involved in the “love versus sex” divide. When serotonin is low, (and dopamine is high) researchers say, it also tends to increase sex drive; whereas higher serotonin levels are also associated with an increase in oxytocin, the so-called “love” hormone. This seems to reflect women’s preference for more bonding, cuddling and lovemaking versus men’s noted penchant for straight physical sex. Ample amounts of serotonin make for more “loving” feelings.”[1]

Contrary to popular opinion, men, especially bisexual men, also create the love-making hormone. It brings about a change in our perceptions and refocuses our intent on concern and pleasure for our partners rather than on orgasm itself.  We can start the process through intimate touch like an intense hug. This increases serotonin which in turn produces a sense of well being that reduces the anxiety brought on by cortisone. The administration section of the brain in now able to function again and re-evaluate on the basis of the greater good – the oxytocin/serotonin feeling of intimacy.

Whenever you are in pursuit of sex with a man or a woman learn to see the person as a potential soul mate rather than just a sex object. Seek intimate connection through non-sexual touch and experience the beginnings of a deeper level of passion. Learn to relax and enjoy intimate contact while it happens. If this passion leads to sexual intercourse, we can engage in the glow of oxytocin and serotonin and the endorphin afterglow that follows, free of stress and anxiety. We form neural pathways connecting these experiences to the pleasure mechanism of our brain. We refer to these connections as bonds, human to human bonds, that urge us on to deeper connection rather than just the dopamine rush  and withdrawal that leads to regret and possible shame.

When we learn to control the passion, I believe we begin to enjoy the journey, mutually and fully. We now employ sexual passion to lead us to intimate passion that can become the ultimate reward in our brain systems. This may or may not lead to sexual gratification because the goal is not the passion of the dopamine rush, but the glow of intimacy. This passion involves not only the genitals but also the heart. In other words, we have to use our sexuality to pursue the greater passion of intimacy that can lead to the greater pleasure of making love rather than just having sex.

Can these bonds with lovers exist within a monogamous (marriage or partnership) relationship? That is the question of the ages. More on that next week.

 

[1] Bentley, Nancy Lee. How Serotonin Affects Your Sex Drive. May 2014.  http://www.yourtango.com/experts/nancy-lee-bentley-wholistic-health-expert/how-serotonin-affects-your-sex-drive

 

Bisexuality and Pride

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Has pride become a meaningless side-show attracting political parties and marketing ploys? Is Pride now a family show for the amusement of the straights in the community? Are we ignoring the issues for which many have fought and died? In a recent article in the local newspaper, the writer stated just that, but I think he missed the main point. It has truly become a community celebration, and that is a good thing. Pride celebrates the uniqueness and freedoms of all of us.  We have fought and won the main event. For the most part, our right to exist has indeed been won; the community has recognized and accepted us into its heart, and our unique contribution to society is being recognized. It is indeed a time to celebrate and to welcome the political parties (I marched with the Greens) that want to be a part of our community, and the local and national companies that want to show their appreciation for our business. It is time to welcome families and children to our events to paint their faces and listen to the music.

 

Are there still issues that we need to address? Sure, but they are not on the same scale as imprisonment and forced lobotomies, or being targets for abuse by the thugs on the street or even the justice system itself. I sit on the Saanich LGBTQ subcommittee for the Health and Wellness Committee and we are addressing issues still faced by the Transsexual Community. All our concerns are listened to and approached in a rational and compassionate manner. We have workers on the police force and the parks and rec department that have taken on the role of addressing our needs. It is no longer a fight to exist; it is just a matter of crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s. It is indeed a time to celebrate.

 

In our bisexual community there are many horrific needs to be met, but they are not political in nature. Bisexuality in not just about sex and it is not really about gender. We are not like the rest of the LGBTQ community seeking our place in the sun.  We do not protest or organize for common goals, and we seldom join organizations for a sense of community. We have the freedom to float in and out of the homosexual and heterosexual communities without notice.  But we are complex human beings with an unquenchable thirst for intimacy with both men and women. That places us on the front lines of the sexual revolution that is still being fought. We have sexual needs that go beyond the rest of the community and we are fighting to have complete sexual freedom so that we can explore our sexuality and conquer our demons.

Like many in the community we have a huge hole in our soul that cannot be filled, but our hole seems to be centered on our sexuality. Perhaps it is related to unfulfilled needs for love during childhood; perhaps it is some genetic drive that leaves us with a huge hole that needs to be filled; perhaps it is some psychological/biological intense drive that urges us on to taking risks to fill our hunger for connection. Perhaps it is all of these or none of these. But when this hole is not filled, it results in an epidemic of depression and suicide attempts that I have documented in previous blogs. These are our issues; they are personal issues not political, but we still do not have the support we need in our community, and we are still afraid to ask for it.

Our challenge is to make the community aware of our plight and to make sure the community mental health services are open to us. We need to have our identities protected if we wish to remain anonymous, but we must be open to counselling that will bring the major players to the table in an open and honest way. This includes, spouses, parents, and brothers and sisters. It is our responsibility to make sure these services are available and then to take the initiative to use them. This requires a support network to assist bisexual men and women to come out and accept their position in the sun.  Bisexuals need to feel proud of their orientation and be willing to take their place and dance in the Pride Parade.

Victoria News, Readers Respond, Page A6, July 8.

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“Pride is a day to celebrate diversity in gender and sexuality. Often overlooked amongst the more vocal Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender communities is the B in LGBTQ, and of course B stands for Bisexuality. You do not often see us as a group in the Pride Parades or in information booths. Apart from a few female dominated groups, you do not find us on the Web or in Meetup groups. Victoria’s Bisexual Meetup group has forty signed up members but they never attend meetings. This is because many of us are in heterosexual relationships and wish to remain private or anonymous.

There is a new wave of sexual freedom sweeping the country where young people engage in sexual activities with both males and females, but is this true bisexuality or merely sexual exploration? True bisexuality is not just experimentation; it is a way of life that involves strong emotional and heartfelt desires for connection with both males and females. It is not merely sexual; it is also a unique gender. We have been getting a fair amount of publicity by the film industry who uses us as a surprise element for twisting the plot. But the filmmakers don’t enlighten the public about the background of what makes a person bisexual.

Our sometimes mysterious group is perhaps more numerous that the other LGBTQ groups. Because we live a secret double life we experience higher levels of depression and suicide attempts but we are reluctant to seek assistance in the community. We are often looked down upon by the rest of society because of the pain we cause our spouses, families, and friends by our sexual behavior. We are often shunned by gays and lesbians because of our inconsistencies. But we are not just gays or lesbians who refuse to accept our gender; we are somewhere in the middle of heterosexual and homosexual and in many cases an emotional mixture of male and female.”

Bisexuality – Seeking Greater Passion

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cropped-2016-03-26_0931.pngWhat we all desire, in spite of our orientation, is not just sex, but passion. Sex is fine as long as we are enjoying it at the conscious level, and as long as the goal is not just orgasm for the sake of orgasm. If that is all we want, why not masturbate; it’s a lot less complicated. So what is passion? Sexual passion involves an exchange of sexual energy between two consenting adults for the purpose of mutual pleasure.

 

I think we can look at passionate sex at various levels. The first level is mutual orgasm. There is nothing wrong with orgasm; in fact, it is one of the greatest pleasures that human beings can experience. There is nothing wrong with wanting lots of it, every day or more than once a day, for that matter. There is nothing wrong with wanting it from the same sex and/or the heterosexual experience. All of these experiences can be a form of profound passion. Unfortunately, as stated in the previous blog, this pursuit of mutual orgasm for the sake of orgasm can become addictive for both partners. . Addictive sex involves a dopamine rush followed by dopamine withdrawal and negative feelings associated with that withdrawal that can lead to a strain on the relationship.

 

In order to understand the difference between addiction to orgasm and passion, we need to look at one more neuromodulator, and that is cortisone. When there is a perception that there is something wrong or a possible threat with a sexual experience, the brain gives out a stress signal. The body reacts by emitting the hormone cortisone which influences the workings of dopamine and serotonin, putting them on hold until the crisis has passed. But in the case of a mental crisis, the crisis never comes to a conclusion, so the perceived threat just goes on and on. Too much cortisone for too long a period of time is a bad thing. It can lead to generalized anxiety and depression on the mental side, and increased blood pressure and diabetes and all that bad stuff on the physical side.

 

So how do you control cortisone?  Simply by taking the stress out of sex and altering the perception from threat, shame, and guilt brought on by focus on orgasm, to the mindful pursuit of pleasure through our senses. This includes the natural body aromas that involve the increasing levels of pheromones, the taste of our lover’s body, the sounds of our lover’s passion, and the sight of our lover’s beautiful body. Above all we explore the wonderful sensations of touch, which brings us to tantric sex. Tantric sex is an ancient Hindu practice that has been going for over 5,000 years, and means the weaving and expansion of energy. It’s a slow form of sex that’s said to increase intimacy and create a mind-body connection that can lead to powerful orgasms. To enjoy the full range of pleasures of tantric sex, we need to slow things down and enjoy the subtle pleasures of touch both receiving and giving. We do not focus on orgasm but on delaying orgasm for as long as possible as we enjoy the feedback from all our senses.

 

So what does this have to do with bisexuality? Everything. As bisexuals, we tend to engage in same sex relationships for pure pleasure (dopamine rush and opiates) and we engage with our heterosexual partner for intimacy and heart-based bonding (may be reversed but is rarer). We have an opportunity to explore our sexuality on various levels, but first we have to take control of our impulses and our frantic drives towards orgasm.

 

For us men this can be a problem as we are physically driven by the old brain to penetrate and ejaculate. Women are ahead of us in this. In order to reach orgasm they need to focus on the sensations of their bodies, especially touch. So bisexual men tend to seek other men for the powerful feelings associated with orgasm, while women seek women because of the focus on touch that can lead to a richer and prolonged orgasm, or even a better opportunity for multiple orgasms.

 

Women are already geared for tantric sex whereas men have to cultivate this skill, especially with other men, to avoid the sex and withdrawal and guilt cycle. Bisexual women, on the other hand, often find the same sex orgasmic experience so satisfying that this may lead to breakup of their heterosexual partnership. Again when the pleasure of sex with orgasm wears off, they often find themselves separated from the one they loved, and in the dopamine rush/withdrawal cycle that results in an unsatisfying relationship with their same sex partner.

 

So how do we escape these dilemmas? Simply put, rather than just focus on the pleasures of sex, we can use sex as a pathway to intimacy. The difficulty is in weaving intimacy into our relationships with both men and/or women, and thereby maintaining our bisexual nature. More of that in the next blog where we will explore the relationship between passion and play.

 

FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS THAT COME UP FOR YOU. I’M HAPPY TO ANSWER.

Bisexuality – The Pursuit of Passion

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2016-03-26_0931As bisexual individuals we have an opportunity to experience life, sex and love in ways beyond the imaginations of the heterosexual majority. The key is to move away from the traps of sexuality as associated with the ego and the pains of the past, and move into living in the moment and living by the heart. In other words we have to learn to follow the path to full heart sexuality by seeking the greater pleasures of love rather than the lesser pleasure of sensuality and orgasm based sex. According to Elizabeth Lesser, in her book, Unbroken, “The way of the heart — that inner instinct that draws us creatively into the chaos of life – is ironically the way out of confusion, anxiety and suffering.”

For the next few blogs I want to look at some of the insights presented by Marnia Robinson in her book, Peace Between the Sheets. In her first chapter she talks about the brain chemistry involved in the basic sexual drive. Here is a summary of her theories:

 “The limbic system of the brain, also known as the primitive brain, is programmed to produce a neurochemical buzz that compels us to pursue orgasmic sex, whatever the consequences.”

“Orgasm causes subsequent physiological changes that can easily last two weeks”

“Orgasm can lead to a shift in perception that often makes our partner less appealing and may make us want to bolt.”

“Ancient teachers of sacred sexuality warn than orgasm has negative consequences such as feeling drained, irritability, energy imbalance, health problems, and, most significantly, a growing aversion to one’s sexual partner. They suggest techniques for avoiding ejaculation. “[1]

So how does this apply to bisexuality? First of all, the thought of avoiding ejaculation for men and orgasm for women at first seems to be a deal-ender right there, doesn’t it? After all, is that not what sex is all about, especially for men, and especially for us bisexual men who pursue orgasm like the sacred path to ultimate pleasure.

That is our other brain talking, the primitive brain, whose two major drives are to survive and to reproduce. When we refer to the drive to survive, we are referring to the reticular system involving the flight or fight mechanism, and when we are referring to the drive to reproduce, we are referring to the limbic system.  Both are powerful, instinctual drives that form our natural impulse system. As humans, these drives involve the pleasure/reward center found in the fore-brain which forms the motivation impulses associated with the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine, and the pleasure response associated with the endorphins. In other words our brains are designed for the purpose of procreation and the survival of the human race, and we have a built in reward systems driven to orgasm. For men this is ejaculation and for women it is the contractions that propel the sperm toward the egg in the uterus. In turn, orgasm produces an oxytocin rush that emanates from the female and is absorbed by and combined with a matching dose from the male. It is designed to produce the sensation we call bonding which can be referred to as one form of love. In itself this is a beautiful, divinely inspired system aimed at the birthing of a new human being.

Okay, so what is wrong with orgasm? I believe that this whole process is based on conception. Once conception takes place a second wave of oxytocin is released and then a third at the birthing of the child. These releases reinforce the bond and bring love and harmony between the man and the woman. I think you might agree that the closest you have ever felt to your mate, or to anyone for that matter, is probably during pregnancy. So what happens if there is no conception, especially after several sessions of love making? I believe, like Robinson, that the primitive brain takes over and begins “a process of rejecting the mate causing tension and irritability and a shift in perception that makes our partner less appealing and may make us want to bolt”.  In the short term this is due to the neurotransmitter prolactin which combines with the dopamine rush and then withdrawal to create a mini manic depressive cycle.  In the long term, our systems eventually wear out and we want out for good.

But as human beings we are more than just our primitive brain. We have a wonderful ability from the outer cortex to store and control images and form thoughts and feelings. In other words we build a story around sex that becomes a higher form of love. Our sexual partner becomes important, not just for fertilization, but as a person with a mind and a soul that we find fascinating and a source of self-actualization and intimacy. The sex then takes on a new meaning as we seek to harmonize our souls and our spirits through the sensuous powers of the moment. We seek to build relationship that uses the energy or passion of sex as a reinforcement to our love for our partner.

That brings us to the Love Story. More on that next week.

 

[1]  Robinson, Marnia. Peace Between the Sheets. Frog Ltd, Berkeley California,2004.(page 24).

 

Bisexuality – Passion or Addiction

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2016-03-26_0931Now that our relationship hurts and pains are under control, we can get back to gender and sexual orientation issues. In the past, those hurts and pains may have led to compulsive or even addictive sexual behaviors. All forms of compulsion and addiction are destructive and filled with negative energy. We have to turn that energy to the positive side; we have to go from destructive compulsions and behaviors to instructive mental and heart-based patterns.  That means turning addiction into passion.

To do this we first have to understand or become conscious of compulsion and addiction. The best source of information that I have found on this topic is a book called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate[1]. Even though his main focus is drug addiction, he also applies his theories to behavioral patterns, including some sections on sexual addiction. If you have similar experiences as I have had, you will feel these words hitting home:

“People jeopardize their lives for the sake of making the moment livable. Nothing sways them from the habit — not illness, not the sacrifice of love and relationship, not the loss of a mate, of all earthly goods, not the crushing of their dignity, not the fear of dying.”

“I (Alvin) get a high of some sort. Which lasts about three to five minutes (in our case, an hour or two), and then…you say to yourself, ‘Why did I do that?’ But then it’s too late. Something makes you keep doing it, and that’s what’s called addition.” [2]

“Cocaine (or in our case, sexual addiction), as we shall see, exerts its euphoric effect by increasing the availability of the reward chemical dopamine in key brain circuits, and this is necessary for motivation and for mental and physical energy.

“He (Aubrey) feels incomplete and incompetent as a person without the drug (or in our case, gay or lesbian sex) a self-concept that has nothing to do with his real abilities and everything to do with his formative experiences  as a child…and the sense that he was a failed human being were a part and parcel of his personality before he ever touched drugs (or as in our case, engaged in gay sex).[3]

“Dr. Sigmund Freud used cocaine (or as in our case, gay or lesbian sex) ‘to control his intermittent depressed moods, improve his general sense of well-being, help him to relax in intense social encounters, and just make him feel more like a man’.”[4]

Let’s put these quotes together and apply them directly to compulsive or addictive sex.

First of all, for bisexual men and women, this usually means a heterosexual primary relationship with a desire to engage in same-sex encounters and relationships.  Usually these sexual adventures have some degree of guilt and shame, or at the least, a sense that we are doing something that is not quite right. However, we are driven by our own desires to seek a deeper sexual experience that can give us a rush (dopamine drive) and to fill a kind of emptiness inside that seems to always be there just below the surface.  At times, when we feel down or trapped, these desires rise to the surface demanding a stimulus that can break us out of the blah mood.  When we engage in gay or lesbian sex, we feel the dopamine rush that leads to an opiate response (intense pleasure) and a hormonal drive (a mix of testosterone or estrogen and oxytocin). Throw in an Adrenalin rush because we feel we are walking into forbidden territory, and we have a powerful rush equivalent to a combined shot of ecstasy, cocaine and heroin. After a few encounters we are hooked on the rush provided by our own body chemicals. We become addicted.

At this point, we are caught in a dilemma: we need the rush to survive, but we feel obligated to our partner to stay in a monogamous relationship. Enter guilt and shame.  We now create a cycle of drive and withdrawal.  Our depressed desires become a major part of the feelings that trigger a compulsion for another same-sex encounter.  We now are aware of the possible consequences of our sexual behavior but we feel powerless to stop. The power of the relationship with our spouse or partner begins to fade, and we become more and more addicted. Eventually, we realize we can no longer control the behavior, but we feel we have to get out of the relationship because we cannot deal with the dishonesty and shame. If we are brave enough, we come out to our partner with a willingness to live with the consequences.  If we are not brave enough, we get careless hoping the spouse will discover our behavior and make the decision for us.

At the bottom of all this, there is usually a root cause that goes back to a traumatic event or wound suffered during early childhood. In other words, we were an addiction just waiting to happen.  This brings us back to the inner healing which we have discussed in the previous blogs.  If the wounds of the past have now been healed, the key now is to become conscious of the addictive behavior, detach the thought and behavior patterns from the root cause, and consciously reattach them to positive circuitry.  In other words,we take control of our own behavior. We are honest with ourselves and our partners, and we make the decisions that will be best for both of us. We are now free to change addiction to passion and begin to enjoy our sexual bodies without shame, guilt, and compulsion. More on that in the next blog.

[1] Mate, Gabor. In the Realm of Hingry Ghosts. Knopf Canada, 2010.

[2] Mate, page 31.

[3] Mate, page 40.

[4] Gay, Peter. Freud a Life for our Time. W.W. Norton, 1998. (page 444).

Fathers’s Day and Bisexuality

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cc01c6b7-a6fb-44c2-90ac-256d0b2874e8 (2)When I burned the contract with my ex-wife, I realized that our family life as I knew it was also over forever. My ex-wife and I had created a family, loving two beautiful babies into existence, and adopting two beautiful, equally-loved children. They had all been a part of the contract. By burning the contract with her, I was also burning my contract with them. It meant that I could never go back to things the way they were.

Contracts with spouses involve contracts with children, making it very painful to burn the family contract, especially for men who are usually the ones that have to walk away from the home where our children live and breathe. This involves huge amounts of grief and guilt.  We have to realize that in a situation where love has been replaced by mere duty and loss of passion and drive, we no longer have anything to offer within that relationship; in fact, we may be doing more harm than good. Children absorb emotion like sponges; it affects their neural pathways.  If there is anger or resentment, they will absorb it and not be able to process it consciously, so it will get buried in their subconscious and come out as negative feelings and behaviors. Even if we continue to live together, but without love, they will also absorb the broken bond and harbor their own feelings of brokenness.

The key is to make a clean break while reassuring the children that they are still loved by each parent, and that the parents have made a conscious decision to live apart, but to still cooperate and be true to the bond each of them has made to the children. It will hurt for a while but they will adjust. It is also important for them to see the parents together from time to time as friends with no animosity or bitterness.

If you are a bisexual, and that is the main reason for the break-up, do not burden the children with this information until they are ready to accept what you have to say. This is the domain of the bisexual parent. The straight parent should never expose the children to this information; however if he/she does, simply explain your situation with information as needed, free of the bitterness of the unwanted exposure. Obey the golden rule, you never blame the other parent. Remember you are the adult and you give them just the amount of information needed so that they can understand that you still love them and they are not responsible for your choices. If you are in a new same-sex relationship, the same thing applies. Do not flaunt your sexual freedom; do not expose the children to situations they may not be able to handle. If they ask questions, just give them the information they seem to be asking for.  Be brief and to the point and compassionate.

My situation was different; I had adult children. As a parent I had set up contracts with them that I insisted they observe. Now that they were adults, they had developed contracts with me that they insisted I observe. My ex-wife had broken the golden rule, disclosing my bisexuality to my children.  At first, they were shocked and critical, even advising their mother to leave. This family conference without me was the most painful experience in my entire life. I could no longer bear the sense of shame, betrayal, and guilt; I had to burn those contracts. I wrote them up and placed them in the fireplace. It hurt like hell to watch them burn. As I watched the contracts disintegrate into red sparks, I visualized the comforting power of my spirit flooding my soul with a pure white light. The last obstacle had been removed. I set about to restore relationships with my family. My children were gracious and welcomed me back immediately.

This concludes my section on inner healing. I still have issues related to my wounded ego, but I have abolished the contracts that my ego had used to give me a sense of purpose and being. There are no more contracts to control me; I am free to be myself.  The energy released by burning the contracts of hurt and pain has become the white light that has helped me see life more clearly. I now can see the “I” that was always present and can simply let it  take over by an act of my will. Recognizing, accepting, and loving the “I” was the moment of the healing of my personality disorder. This allowed me to be compassionate, honest, and understanding with my Self.  As I continue to experience the truths of life, it helps me understand and feel compassion for people who are going through similar experiences. My understanding and the subsequent acts of compassion have become an energy source that can bring healing to others, especially my children, and a joy to my own soul.

Bisexuality, the Heart, and Ex’s

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2016-03-26_0931This is the third in a series of blogs dealing with deep inner healing. I know this may sound like my idea of the quick fix, and I apologise for that.  There is no quick fix.  Our memories are scattered bits of words, images and feelings that can be and will be triggered for the rest of our lives.  The key is to disconnect them from the pathways that lead to pain and rewire them to positive feelings – to go from worthlessness to worthiness, self-hate to self-love, and yes, even from pain to joy. This is an on-going process that sometimes takes a lifetime

In the last two blogs, we looked at relationships with parents; today we will look at ex-spouses. When I started burning my contracts, I kept the most difficult for last, my ex-wife. I believe the relationship with an ex-spouse, especially the first spouse, the other parent of our children, is held together by strong oxytocin bonds connected by that first innocent passionate love and reinforced through the birthing of children. When the raw passion recedes, we have to move on to heart to heart love or the bond begins to die and be replaced by a set of self-centered and self-serving expectations that are suffocating and eventually may prove fatal. This is the contract.  Once the bond is broken, it is broken, yet we persist. But it is not love that holds us together at the end, it is the contract.

In my own story, I had sacrificed all my own wants and desires believing that it would please her and force her to keep on loving me. I had become a shell of a man who hated himself and had embarked on a course of self-destruction. By being untrue to my Self, I had built up a massive body of unconscious resentment. I resented the contract with my ex-wife that led me to sacrifice my Self, my sexual orientation, my career choices, and even my family, on the altar of our marriage. These resentments had burst forth in gay sexual encounters as a way of escaping the pain and emptiness, placing the blame on her, and striking out against her. But in my unconscious state, the only person I was destroying was my Self.

When the man she had fallen in love with disappeared, she too had held on to the contract.  When I had failed to keep my end of the bargain, it was the end of the marriage. She burned her half of the contract. When the marriage ended, I felt I was a hopeless failure. I kept this feeling of failure buried deep within my soul. Even after two years, I was still holding on to my half of the contract, believing it was the one thing that could save me from myself. I finally came to the point of accepting that the reconciliation was not going to happen; in fact, I finally understood that I could not even let it happen, because it would destroy what was left of me. I also understood why I had let the gay encounters happen; I had subconsciously forced myself out of my poisoned contractual relationship before it literally killed me. I had to burn the contract. But I realized that there was still some good there – good times, good memories, and that she was still the wonderful girl I had fallen in love with. I had to do it as an act of love for myself and for her. It took one whole sixteen hour day to write the contract. It was necessary for me to lovingly go through each positive and negative item of this contract so that I could see, remember and weep for the things I had enjoyed and lost while burning the guilt and failure.

I lit the fire and watched the written contract burn in the real fireplace as I visualized it being consumed by spiritual flames in the spiritual fireplace I had built inside my inner room. As I watched the last disintegrating pieces float up the chimney and out into the open sky, I felt the weight and guilt of having failed her lift off my shoulders. Then it all became clear. There was no failure. A marriage that dissolves is not a failure; it is merely an accepting that the bond has broken and that both need to move on in order to survive and thrive. There was no more shame; my sexual orientation was a powerful part of my body and the basic foundations of my mind.  It simply demanded to be expressed; it was okay to accept these urges and enjoy the sensations of my body. There was no more guilt; I had done the best I could under the circumstances. I had held on for thirty-three years and kept my family together free of the knowledge of the struggles I was experiencing until all my children were well established adults. I did not have to apologize to anyone or forgive anyone, particularly myself and my ex-wife. It was just a matter of being conscious of the truth of the situation and then moving on to a more wholesome life.

As the last black fragments of the contract disintegrated into the final spark that floated up the chimney, the old me departed. It left a hollow feeling behind, but I was ready to begin again. I was ready to love again, perhaps really love for the first time. I was now free to be me, to enjoy wholesome relationships with men and/or women, and to reconnect with all the people I had loved, with all the people who had tried to love me   But his time it would be as an honest man, free of guilt and shame, I would be true to my Self.  I would just be ME.

The Heart and Abuse

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2016-03-26_0931I would like to address a comment I received regarding the ending of my last blog. What do we do if we do not have a parent who truly loves us, and in some cases may have inflicted physical or sexual abuse? For healing to take place, we have to somehow find some aspect of love from our parents or at least a reason to love them even though we cannot feel being loved. Remember love is the only emotion powerful enough to overcome deep inner pain. I believe that if we dig down deep enough we will find some aspect of love from our mother even if it was just a weak and painful connection buried beneath neglect and abandonment. With parents who do not love or who inflict severe damage through abuse, this becomes a very difficult but not impossible journey. In this case we have to find a reason to forgive.

 

The best visualization for this process I believe comes from modern views on reincarnation. Whether you believe in reincarnation or not does not matter. It is the visualization that is important. According to spiritual teachers we are eternal souls who keep coming back to Earth to seek opportunities to grow. Part of that process is the planning session where we plot out our lives so that we can experience certain trials and hurts that do not exist in the eternal world. As part of the plan, we call on souls who are part of our circle of eternal souls that we associate with through various lives. We ask them to take on certain roles so that we can achieve our goals. We count on souls who are mature and close for the difficult roles like abusive fathers and mothers because these roles are very difficult for loving souls to play. These roles are acts of love.

 

When we enter our present life, all memories of our eternal souls are erased and we have to struggle on through our preplanned trials until we come to a sense of awareness of who we really are, powerful beings filled with beauty and light. During this stage of awareness, we begin to sense the other souls in our life as spiritual beings, not at the physical level, or even conscious level, but as a vibration between our souls. At this point we can forgive and receive the love they have sent us by playing their roles for us. Now, if you have no other reason to love and forgive, I highly recommend this process as a healing of the inner soul, as a healing of the heart.

 

Of course there is therapy, which I highly recommend. But the therapy cannot just be used to dig into the past; this will accomplish nothing but reinforce the negative neural pathways. It has to somehow connect to love for self and to a reaching out to the abusive parent to reshape the bond so that we can feel some form of love. We will never understand their behavior but we can simply acknowledge it as a painful flaw in their personality, probably as a result of a deep wound they have themselves received physically, psychologically, and neurologically as young children. They may have made really bad choices, but they were probably responding to powerful destructive pathways within their own mind and brain. We have to acknowledge their pain and try to empathize with them, which is the first step to love.

 

We then forgive and turn to find the love we need within ourselves. We can begin to praise the inner spirit which has survived the abuse, and the courage of our own heart which keeps on caring and searching for love. We have to fill that need for love from our own heart.

Unfortunately, because of the abuse, the heart is wounded and may not be able to do this. This is where the second visualization takes place. It is the higher power that works so well in AA. Whether you believe or not in a god based on traditional religions does not matter; in fact, it may be detrimental as most tend to be male dominated and may be linked to feelings of abuse. You simply have to believe in a power, which spiritual teachers refer to as a universal spirit of life. You have to see the divine design in things and the beauty of life which we can sense when we are quiet and open up our own souls through the powers of awareness and mindfulness. We then join ourselves to this divine presence believing it to be the source of good which we can experience in our pleasure systems, thereby releasing our own opiate, the endorphins. This is the emotional feeling that we refer to as love. We can sense our Self becoming a part of this flow of universal love. We do not have to believe in any god, just open our hearts to sense a presence of peace and beauty.

 

After we begin to experience this presence we can begin to use the love power within to heal. When the old feelings return and the old images try to occupy our mind we simply take these five steps:

 

  1. Acknowledge the feeling, and replace it with your memory pathways of universal love.
  2. Acknowledge the abuser, but gently inform the image that it no longer has any power of over you.
  3. Forgive the abuser and thank the abuser for playing the role that has helped set you on the path to becoming a powerful spiritual human being.
  4. Close the door (you can visualize an actual door) to these memories and open the door to universal love. Walk through it and feel the power of universal love.
  5. Give yourself a hug.

 

We have to love ourselves. I could write books on how to go about this process and of course hundreds have already been written. But it is your own book, your own story that matters. Deep within yourself you have the power to do this, and deep within yourself you have the knowledge. Be patient with yourself. Acknowledge your pain but connect it with the positive from within and without. Seek a friend who really cares and share your feelings, and end each session with a hug. Acknowledge, accept, and embrace the truth: you are no longer a victim; you are a powerful, beautiful human being.