Category: Conscious Sexuality

Wading through Research on Bisexuality

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Having trouble wading through the scientific research on bisexuality? Join the club. This may help. Paula C. Rodriguez Rust in her book, Bisexuality in the United States (2000), traces the research from an historical perspective.  She notes research on homosexuality (or any sexuality for that matter) was not showing up in the scientific field of studies until the 1950’s. Homosexuality was still considered a perversion and a mental illness and received very little scientific attention. During the 60’s the sexual revolution started and after the riots in New York, homosexuality started to receive attention as a legitimate orientation. In the 70’s, bisexuality was noted but was considered just a transitory stage to homosexuality. In the 80’s researchers finally began to address the issues because they felt that bisexuals might be the gateway for spreading AIDS from the homosexual to the heterosexual community. She sites works by two pioneers in the 80’s, Jay P. Paul, Reassessing our Paradigms of Sexuality, and A.P. MacDonald Jr.,  A Little Bit of Lavender Goes a Long Way, that brought the study of bisexuality away from the binary view of heterosexuality and homosexuality.  During the early 90’s we had a shift to a concept of sexual orientation which allowed for a broader view which could explain bisexuality and other variations that did not fit into the binary model. This opened the gates to the hodge-podge of theories and conclusions that we now see in the scientific journals. To the part-time bisexual academic like me, all this is interesting, but  there appears to be no clear cut answer to anything that might help me understand myself better and lead a more wholesome life.

After wading through the review of the literature, one is left with a headache and more confusion than when one started. We eventually are tempted to chuck all the theories in the wastebasket and start over with a new paradigm. I believe we are all individuals who pursue our passions in different ways according to a sprinkling of genetic factors that create a predisposition, and environmental experiences during early childhood, or even back into the womb, that shape these predispositions into a potential orientation. Further experiences during adolescence reinforce the predisposition leading us to fulfill our needs for passion and sexual gratification in different ways. This creates a biological/psychological impulse from the old brain that we can refer to as a sexual orientation that directs us to seeking copulation with same sex, or opposite sex partners, and in the case of bisexuals, with either/or.

People who have been gay or lesbian or straight since the get-go, may have strong psychological/emotional impulses that result in powerful feelings of repulsion when different sexual  opportunities arise. When the impulse goes to the administration center, it gets an automatic yes or no depending on the feelings attached to our orientation. But as bisexuals, these aversion or circuit blocks do not exist. We always have the ability to choose.

Nor is our bisexual orientation stationary. Neurological studies based on real and solid evidence show that we are constantly changing, pruning away our dendrites and creating new ones, changing our neural pathways based on new experiences. When we change our neural pathways we change who we are. When we have traumatic events like rape or divorce, we may make major changes in our sexual orientation in order to survive. But once the hurting stops, we may choose to revert to old patterns or start new ones. Beyond that we adjust these patterns not only to survive but to thrive. Who I am today is not who I was yesterday, and who I am today is certainly not who I was ten years ago.

There is even a case to be made that we are all potentially bisexual and therefore open to all forms of sexuality. To say that we have to be locked into being gay or lesbian or bisexual of pan sexual or kinky or straight is simply not true. I KNOW THIS SOUND LIKE HERESY; once gay always gay is essential to the group political beliefs and the feeling of identity and security of the individual, but it is simply not the case. Brainwashing does work. If you experience enough pain you change the neural pathways, even the old-brain ones, creating blocks to old patterns and opening channels to new ones. Pain can make any change possible. Does that mean change will be easy? NO, of course not, and for some it will seem to be almost impossible, but in reality, anything is possible. But if you enjoy being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or straight, then by all mean continue and enjoy.

Essentially then, do we bisexuals have a binary sexual orientation? Yes, but so what? Except for academia in the fields of Psychology and Sociology, who really cares? The key is to find happiness and experience joy through our sexual experiences and to remember that this is only one aspect (how-be-it and very powerful one) to our complex love and pleasure systems. Thinking about it complicates it. By defining it, we claim it, and our sexual identity can become our personal identity. The key is to be able to bring things to the conscious level and to choose a path that will lead to contentment and wholeness. By continuing to function with this process, we can change who we are into whomever we want to be. So welcome change.

There is not a single sexual act or sexual orientation that you can look at as a source of any of your problems.   The problem is the way you think about it. There is no purpose in categorizing ourselves or others because that very act limits our freedoms and choices. If your orientation is no longer resulting in feelings of joy and contentment, then by all means change it or even suppress it entirely and become asexual.  What it all boils down to then is to know who you are, not just your sexual identity, but who you really are inside. Be true to the inner you and use your sexuality to enjoy your life in any way you feel will enhance being you.  So get your thinking straightened out and go out and enjoy life.

Bisexuality – Sex not Gender

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Bisexuals do not have a gender. In fact, we may be the only group on the planet without one. But even saying that is as much as claiming that we are, in fact, a gender of non-genders. Such is the Catch 22 that Rebecca Reilly-Cooper is referring to in her article Gender is Not a Spectrum.[1] Rebecca is a political philosopher at the University of Warwick in the UK. She is currently working on a book about sex, gender and identity. She refers to the concept of gender as:

“ It used to be a basic, fundamental feminist idea that while sex referred to what is biological, and so perhaps in some sense ‘natural’, gender referred to what is socially constructed….Gender refers to the externally imposed set of norms that prescribe and proscribe desirable behaviour to individuals in accordance with morally arbitrary characteristics…. From birth, most female people are raised to be passive, submissive, weak and nurturing, while most male people are raised to be active, dominant, strong and aggressive.… We are all educated and inculcated into one of two roles, long before we are able to express our beliefs about our innate gender identity.”

We political people in the LGBTQ movements have hijacked the concept of gender for political reasons. We claim there are more genders than just ‘woman’ or ‘man’ to choose from. We have invented a whole new range of gender identities from “genderqueer” or “non-binary” to “two spirited” and beyond. Rebecca goes on to say that there is no end of the possibility of variances in the concept of gender. She refers to this as a spectrum:

“If gender is a spectrum, that means it’s a continuum between two extremes, and everyone is located somewhere along that continuum.…. In reality, everybody is non-binary. We all actively participate in some gender norms, passively acquiesce with others, and positively rail against others …, enabling the non-binary person to claim to be both misunderstood and politically oppressed by the binary cisgender people…... ”

So why the gender? It has and still does serve an important role, both within the group and individually. As a community, gays and lesbians had to overcome the harsh societal and religious  judgement that led to abhorrent practices like imprisonment, frontal lobotomies and brutal forced conversions. We needed a political voice. As individuals we were oppressed and confused, often due to our upbringing and the pressures of our society to be “normal”. We needed an identity that we could hold onto as a crutch until we could sort everything out and feel that we belonged somewhere with someone on this god forsaken lonely planet. But perhaps it is now time to move on.

Within the bisexual community there are so many variances that we could not possibly provide a definition of bisexual gender that would include all of us. The characteristics are not about gender but merely about personality. This includes our sexual tastes and preferences, but it also includes our value systems and our nonsexual behaviors. All the so-called gender issues can be captured by the broad definition of personality. We are all different and that is exactly the way it should be.

As bisexuals I believe it is in our best interest to eliminate the concept of gender altogether. We are not political.  We do not need special considerations. We do not need a bisexual gender label.  We are biologically men or women and we have two sexual preferences. Personally I like to think of it as “making love” with a woman and “having sex” with a man. That makes us bisexuals and forget the gender stuff. What we do need is understanding of ourselves and some supports in overcoming the mental issues related to our sexual preferences. I believe that would be easier to do if we concentrate on our personal issues rather than the martyrdom of gender because of our sexuality. If we eliminate the concept of gender, there is no viable purpose for grouping ourselves together according to our personalities or our personal issues.

Some parting advice from Rebecca:

“One of the first steps to liberating people from the cage that is gender is to challenge established gender norms, and to play with and explore your gender expression and presentation….The solution is not to reify gender by insisting on ever more gender categories … The solution is to abolish gender altogether. We do not need gender. We would be better off without it….The solution to an oppressive system that puts people into pink and blue boxes is not to create more and more boxes that are any colour but blue or pink. The solution is to tear down the boxes altogether.”

As bisexuals we should only seek to model the fact that we are more than what our society currently views as men, or women, or queer (I hate that word). Personally, I just want to be viewed as a loving and caring human being with a meaningful and rich life. Rebecca is right.  It is time to forget all the social and political issues and just learn to play.  Let’s enjoy sex in whatever way turns us on, forget about gender, and just be happy human beings.

Please Note: I am referring strictly to bisexuality.  There is a much stronger case for gender for gays, lesbians and transsexuals, both personally and as a community.

[1] Reilly-Cooper, Rebecca. Gender is Not a Spectrum.  https://aeon.co/essays/the-idea-that-gender-is-a-spectrum-is-a-new-gender-prison?utm_source=Aeon+Newsletter&utm_campaign=3b10c4d7b4-Weekly_Newsletter_1_July_20167_1_2016&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_411a82e59d-3b10c4d7b4-68637497

 

Controlling Passion

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Are bisexuals slaves to their passions?  Before we answer that question, we need to take another look at the nature of passion.  New information seems to be arriving daily, good solid scientific information about human neurology.

We are just beginning to understand the full power of the passion that comes from the old brain which operates on sensations and near instantaneous perceptions. These perceptions are formed by basic circuitry involving the hind brain, mid brain, and the hypothalamus and amygdala in the fore-brain. When a sensation comes in, we have about one tenth of a second to form a perception. Based on this perception, we simply ignore; we engage the Reticular System of fight, flight or freeze, or we enter the Limbic System which is the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification.

So what happens in the Limbic System when it comes to sexual gratification? It takes less than a second to perceive someone as attractive, and to enter into the first phase of arousal.  For most of us, this might mean mild interest, or for others, like us bisexuals with a heightened sexual sensitivity, we may already be engaging our hormones and releasing dopamine for hot pursuit. It is not until this stage that the frontal cortex kicks in.  The administration section simply re-evaluates on the basis of past experience and either gives the red light to cease and desist, or the green light to fully engage. The time for this decision-making is still somewhere in the range of just one to two seconds.

For most people this is an amber light which means proceed with caution, but for bisexuals, especially when in pursuit of a same sex encounter, we are already operating on full green. At this point the whole brain is functioning with full dopamine overload in pursuit of the opiates we feel from our dopamine, and testosterone/estrogen rush. This creates anxiety and the release of  the neuromodulator, cortisone, which prevents a change in the brain chemistry until the goal is achieved. There is no motivation for re-evaluation. We are hell-bent for orgasm.  This is passion at its basic old brain animal level.  But it is very real.

Which brings us to the second level of passion.  How do we build in a runaway lane for our out-of-control, fully-loaded semi on a downhill run?   The way to do that is to re-engage the neuromodulator, oxytocin, which results in increased serotonin and the reduction of dopamine. Wholistic Health Expert, Nancy Lee Bentley, provides us with some insight on how the dopamine/serotonin balance affects passion:

“Serotonin may actually be involved in the “love versus sex” divide. When serotonin is low, (and dopamine is high) researchers say, it also tends to increase sex drive; whereas higher serotonin levels are also associated with an increase in oxytocin, the so-called “love” hormone. This seems to reflect women’s preference for more bonding, cuddling and lovemaking versus men’s noted penchant for straight physical sex. Ample amounts of serotonin make for more “loving” feelings.”[1]

Contrary to popular opinion, men, especially bisexual men, also create the love-making hormone. It brings about a change in our perceptions and refocuses our intent on concern and pleasure for our partners rather than on orgasm itself.  We can start the process through intimate touch like an intense hug. This increases serotonin which in turn produces a sense of well being that reduces the anxiety brought on by cortisone. The administration section of the brain in now able to function again and re-evaluate on the basis of the greater good – the oxytocin/serotonin feeling of intimacy.

Whenever you are in pursuit of sex with a man or a woman learn to see the person as a potential soul mate rather than just a sex object. Seek intimate connection through non-sexual touch and experience the beginnings of a deeper level of passion. Learn to relax and enjoy intimate contact while it happens. If this passion leads to sexual intercourse, we can engage in the glow of oxytocin and serotonin and the endorphin afterglow that follows, free of stress and anxiety. We form neural pathways connecting these experiences to the pleasure mechanism of our brain. We refer to these connections as bonds, human to human bonds, that urge us on to deeper connection rather than just the dopamine rush  and withdrawal that leads to regret and possible shame.

When we learn to control the passion, I believe we begin to enjoy the journey, mutually and fully. We now employ sexual passion to lead us to intimate passion that can become the ultimate reward in our brain systems. This may or may not lead to sexual gratification because the goal is not the passion of the dopamine rush, but the glow of intimacy. This passion involves not only the genitals but also the heart. In other words, we have to use our sexuality to pursue the greater passion of intimacy that can lead to the greater pleasure of making love rather than just having sex.

Can these bonds with lovers exist within a monogamous (marriage or partnership) relationship? That is the question of the ages. More on that next week.

 

[1] Bentley, Nancy Lee. How Serotonin Affects Your Sex Drive. May 2014.  http://www.yourtango.com/experts/nancy-lee-bentley-wholistic-health-expert/how-serotonin-affects-your-sex-drive

 

Bisexuality – The Pursuit of Passion

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2016-03-26_0931As bisexual individuals we have an opportunity to experience life, sex and love in ways beyond the imaginations of the heterosexual majority. The key is to move away from the traps of sexuality as associated with the ego and the pains of the past, and move into living in the moment and living by the heart. In other words we have to learn to follow the path to full heart sexuality by seeking the greater pleasures of love rather than the lesser pleasure of sensuality and orgasm based sex. According to Elizabeth Lesser, in her book, Unbroken, “The way of the heart — that inner instinct that draws us creatively into the chaos of life – is ironically the way out of confusion, anxiety and suffering.”

For the next few blogs I want to look at some of the insights presented by Marnia Robinson in her book, Peace Between the Sheets. In her first chapter she talks about the brain chemistry involved in the basic sexual drive. Here is a summary of her theories:

 “The limbic system of the brain, also known as the primitive brain, is programmed to produce a neurochemical buzz that compels us to pursue orgasmic sex, whatever the consequences.”

“Orgasm causes subsequent physiological changes that can easily last two weeks”

“Orgasm can lead to a shift in perception that often makes our partner less appealing and may make us want to bolt.”

“Ancient teachers of sacred sexuality warn than orgasm has negative consequences such as feeling drained, irritability, energy imbalance, health problems, and, most significantly, a growing aversion to one’s sexual partner. They suggest techniques for avoiding ejaculation. “[1]

So how does this apply to bisexuality? First of all, the thought of avoiding ejaculation for men and orgasm for women at first seems to be a deal-ender right there, doesn’t it? After all, is that not what sex is all about, especially for men, and especially for us bisexual men who pursue orgasm like the sacred path to ultimate pleasure.

That is our other brain talking, the primitive brain, whose two major drives are to survive and to reproduce. When we refer to the drive to survive, we are referring to the reticular system involving the flight or fight mechanism, and when we are referring to the drive to reproduce, we are referring to the limbic system.  Both are powerful, instinctual drives that form our natural impulse system. As humans, these drives involve the pleasure/reward center found in the fore-brain which forms the motivation impulses associated with the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine, and the pleasure response associated with the endorphins. In other words our brains are designed for the purpose of procreation and the survival of the human race, and we have a built in reward systems driven to orgasm. For men this is ejaculation and for women it is the contractions that propel the sperm toward the egg in the uterus. In turn, orgasm produces an oxytocin rush that emanates from the female and is absorbed by and combined with a matching dose from the male. It is designed to produce the sensation we call bonding which can be referred to as one form of love. In itself this is a beautiful, divinely inspired system aimed at the birthing of a new human being.

Okay, so what is wrong with orgasm? I believe that this whole process is based on conception. Once conception takes place a second wave of oxytocin is released and then a third at the birthing of the child. These releases reinforce the bond and bring love and harmony between the man and the woman. I think you might agree that the closest you have ever felt to your mate, or to anyone for that matter, is probably during pregnancy. So what happens if there is no conception, especially after several sessions of love making? I believe, like Robinson, that the primitive brain takes over and begins “a process of rejecting the mate causing tension and irritability and a shift in perception that makes our partner less appealing and may make us want to bolt”.  In the short term this is due to the neurotransmitter prolactin which combines with the dopamine rush and then withdrawal to create a mini manic depressive cycle.  In the long term, our systems eventually wear out and we want out for good.

But as human beings we are more than just our primitive brain. We have a wonderful ability from the outer cortex to store and control images and form thoughts and feelings. In other words we build a story around sex that becomes a higher form of love. Our sexual partner becomes important, not just for fertilization, but as a person with a mind and a soul that we find fascinating and a source of self-actualization and intimacy. The sex then takes on a new meaning as we seek to harmonize our souls and our spirits through the sensuous powers of the moment. We seek to build relationship that uses the energy or passion of sex as a reinforcement to our love for our partner.

That brings us to the Love Story. More on that next week.

 

[1]  Robinson, Marnia. Peace Between the Sheets. Frog Ltd, Berkeley California,2004.(page 24).

 

Bisexuality – Passion or Addiction

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2016-03-26_0931Now that our relationship hurts and pains are under control, we can get back to gender and sexual orientation issues. In the past, those hurts and pains may have led to compulsive or even addictive sexual behaviors. All forms of compulsion and addiction are destructive and filled with negative energy. We have to turn that energy to the positive side; we have to go from destructive compulsions and behaviors to instructive mental and heart-based patterns.  That means turning addiction into passion.

To do this we first have to understand or become conscious of compulsion and addiction. The best source of information that I have found on this topic is a book called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate[1]. Even though his main focus is drug addiction, he also applies his theories to behavioral patterns, including some sections on sexual addiction. If you have similar experiences as I have had, you will feel these words hitting home:

“People jeopardize their lives for the sake of making the moment livable. Nothing sways them from the habit — not illness, not the sacrifice of love and relationship, not the loss of a mate, of all earthly goods, not the crushing of their dignity, not the fear of dying.”

“I (Alvin) get a high of some sort. Which lasts about three to five minutes (in our case, an hour or two), and then…you say to yourself, ‘Why did I do that?’ But then it’s too late. Something makes you keep doing it, and that’s what’s called addition.” [2]

“Cocaine (or in our case, sexual addiction), as we shall see, exerts its euphoric effect by increasing the availability of the reward chemical dopamine in key brain circuits, and this is necessary for motivation and for mental and physical energy.

“He (Aubrey) feels incomplete and incompetent as a person without the drug (or in our case, gay or lesbian sex) a self-concept that has nothing to do with his real abilities and everything to do with his formative experiences  as a child…and the sense that he was a failed human being were a part and parcel of his personality before he ever touched drugs (or as in our case, engaged in gay sex).[3]

“Dr. Sigmund Freud used cocaine (or as in our case, gay or lesbian sex) ‘to control his intermittent depressed moods, improve his general sense of well-being, help him to relax in intense social encounters, and just make him feel more like a man’.”[4]

Let’s put these quotes together and apply them directly to compulsive or addictive sex.

First of all, for bisexual men and women, this usually means a heterosexual primary relationship with a desire to engage in same-sex encounters and relationships.  Usually these sexual adventures have some degree of guilt and shame, or at the least, a sense that we are doing something that is not quite right. However, we are driven by our own desires to seek a deeper sexual experience that can give us a rush (dopamine drive) and to fill a kind of emptiness inside that seems to always be there just below the surface.  At times, when we feel down or trapped, these desires rise to the surface demanding a stimulus that can break us out of the blah mood.  When we engage in gay or lesbian sex, we feel the dopamine rush that leads to an opiate response (intense pleasure) and a hormonal drive (a mix of testosterone or estrogen and oxytocin). Throw in an Adrenalin rush because we feel we are walking into forbidden territory, and we have a powerful rush equivalent to a combined shot of ecstasy, cocaine and heroin. After a few encounters we are hooked on the rush provided by our own body chemicals. We become addicted.

At this point, we are caught in a dilemma: we need the rush to survive, but we feel obligated to our partner to stay in a monogamous relationship. Enter guilt and shame.  We now create a cycle of drive and withdrawal.  Our depressed desires become a major part of the feelings that trigger a compulsion for another same-sex encounter.  We now are aware of the possible consequences of our sexual behavior but we feel powerless to stop. The power of the relationship with our spouse or partner begins to fade, and we become more and more addicted. Eventually, we realize we can no longer control the behavior, but we feel we have to get out of the relationship because we cannot deal with the dishonesty and shame. If we are brave enough, we come out to our partner with a willingness to live with the consequences.  If we are not brave enough, we get careless hoping the spouse will discover our behavior and make the decision for us.

At the bottom of all this, there is usually a root cause that goes back to a traumatic event or wound suffered during early childhood. In other words, we were an addiction just waiting to happen.  This brings us back to the inner healing which we have discussed in the previous blogs.  If the wounds of the past have now been healed, the key now is to become conscious of the addictive behavior, detach the thought and behavior patterns from the root cause, and consciously reattach them to positive circuitry.  In other words,we take control of our own behavior. We are honest with ourselves and our partners, and we make the decisions that will be best for both of us. We are now free to change addiction to passion and begin to enjoy our sexual bodies without shame, guilt, and compulsion. More on that in the next blog.

[1] Mate, Gabor. In the Realm of Hingry Ghosts. Knopf Canada, 2010.

[2] Mate, page 31.

[3] Mate, page 40.

[4] Gay, Peter. Freud a Life for our Time. W.W. Norton, 1998. (page 444).

Bisexuality, the Heart, and Transgression

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2016-03-26_0931There is a dilemma, in fact, almost a paradigm shift, in sexuality that needs to be addressed, especially in how it affects bisexual men and women. In years gone by relationship would lead to sex; in today’s generation, sex seems to lead to relationship.  In days gone by, we seem to have been guided by thoughts of transgression which prevented us from engaging in sex in a care-free manner in spite of the powerful desires of our bodies. Today, many of us engage in sexual acts without any feelings of transgression. Is this healthy?   This is a question that no one wants to ask today in fear of somehow offending the rights and freedoms of the modern generation.  Perhaps it is, but it does need to be viewed on a conscious level.  We must not throw out the baby (used to be literally) with the bath water.

Today’s women particularly seem to be exploring bisexuality as a natural flow of their sexuality.  As we have seen in a previous blog, close to 50% have experienced some form or bisexual desire and behavior.    According to the same set of studies, 95% of men tend to believe and act upon the belief that one should be either gay or heterosexual and most of them choose to be heterosexual. There is little room for accepting bisexuality. This brings us into the field of transgression.  Fifty percent of women and over ninety percent of men choose not to be involved in bisexual exploration, many of whom believe bisexuality to be a transgression which is a polite word for perversion. For us bisexuals, what others believe should not be important unless, of course, we are living a secretive life and have to deal with these people on a daily basis. The real question is what do “we” believe, and if this belief system needs to change in order for us to thrive mentally and spiritually.

Let’s look at transgression from a body, mind and soul perspective.  The body hormone system, once turned on by the brain,seeks sexual gratification and pleasure according to its sexual orientation, which for most of us bisexual men and women is same sex copulation or other sexual gratifications. There is no judgment here, therefore, no transgression. However, the mind or ego operates according to rules and regulations, and therefore is influenced by its environment and sets of moral and physical experiences. It produces thoughts which can be the source of  transgression. On the other hand the heart or soul seeks love in all its forms.  It is the heart that must choose between the desires of the body and pleasure seeking center of the brain, and the moral concerns of the ego. This is where the concept of transgression becomes just a feeling, and needs to be clarified before we can thrive as bisexual men and women.

Bisexual women tend to look for connection with other women and seek skin on skin with some degree of emotional involvement.  As long as they can detach from or train their egos to accept this behavior as  normal and satisfying, they can enjoy the eroticism on this level.  There is a danger here in that the act can become satisfying for its own sake and does not lead to the deeper emotional connection of love and compassion for their sexual partner.  They may shut down their feelings of transgression from the heart.  Over time, these feelings can become magnified and lead to disillusionment and possible dissatisfaction with life. This may be the cause of an extremely high number of suicides and suicide attempts among bisexual women.

Bisexual men on the other hand can detach the sexual act from any sense of connection, to the self or to others.  We can seek glory holes in Adult Stores (common in the USA), or bath houses, or paths in the dark in wooded parks, where we are not even aware of the person’s face.  In my opinion, this is very destructive and can lead to deep feelings of transgression even to the body and brain that seeks deeper sensations of skin on skin.  We can also seek dating services where we can find skin on skin with no strings attached.  This allows for deeper physical connection but totally shuts down the heart.  Again, as with women, we can enjoy the pleasure of these experiences if we can convince  the mind that wants some system of understanding, and, of course, the heart that seeks deeper emotional connection.  Over time, we may experience deep feelings of discontentment and emptiness which may lead to depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and possible suicide.

The question on transgression then becomes whether or not we are being true, not to the voices of others, not to the voice of our mind or ego, but to our own inner voice.  If we feel that our behavior is somehow a transgression of our inner values, then we must not silence that voice, because that voice is trying to lead us on to deeper truths and feelings.  These feelings can only come through deeper connections within the self and with others, and, of course, we call this feeling “love”. Love is the root of genuine positive feelings for the Self, our self-concept, and our self-esteem. It leads to a higher state of being where we thrive instead of just survive. In my opinion, the shutting down of this voice leads to meaningless sexual acts that numbs the mind and soul to sexual experiences that are meant to be full body-mind-soul experiences, and therefore, much deeper and healthier. Can we still be bisexual and experience these sensations with both men and women? Of course, but  we have to be selective in the kinds of acts in which we engage, and we have to let our heart lead us to the kind of people where we can share on a body, mind and soul level.

The key to thriving in all aspects of life is to learn to listen to the heart, to trust our inner feelings, while silencing the corrupted thoughts from our wounded egos. This includes our sexuality. This is different from the “if it feels good, do it” from the body and the pleasure center of the brain.  A better statement from the heart would be. “If it feel right, do it.”

Consciousness and Mental Health

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cropped-logo_2.pngThis is the second in a series of blogs that attempt to combine  good spiritual practices with sound psychological foundations.  Last week we looked at how to enter into a state of mindfulness and awareness.  This is  a kind of meditation that allows us to engage the parasympathetic system and restore brain and body chemistry. Through relaxation we clear out hormonal chemicals like adrenaline and norepinephrine as well as restore moderate levels of salt, sugar and cholesterol, all resulting in lower blood pressure and reducing wear and tear on the body and the mind.  All good things, but meditation can be used for so much more.   Many people, including me, have tried meditation and have been frustrated in trying to be still and empty the mind.  I have discovered that the key is to fill it, not empty it, and we fill it my being aware of the Self. As we become aware of the Self we automatically enter the state of consciousness and once in the state of consciousness we can begin a mindful healing of the body, mind, and soul.

In a previous blog, “May the Force be with You”, we looked at The Energy Healing Experiments by Gary Schwartz[1] .  According to Schwartz, our bodies have measurable forms of energy that generate electromagnetic energy waves. There are waves which seem to emanate from the whole body, perhaps through the water molecules in our living cells [2]. We can refer to them as soul energy, which is often equated with the aura.  In addition, various organs or systems generate specific waves.  For example brain waves can be picked up on an EEG; whereas, heart waves (five times more powerful) are displayed on EKG’s. Schwartz goes on to show through the rigors of scientific experimentation that intent during consciousness can focus these energies to change the behavior of animals, growth in plants, and even affect the well-being of microorganisms in test tubes. In addition, researchers at the Medical Center of Harvard University have recognized the use of mindfulness and consciousness as sources of energy that accelerate healing in post operation patients.

So what does this have to do with consciousness and healing? Everything. Consciousness can be employed as a tool to focus the energies of the brain, body, and soul to bring about healing to specific areas of the body. So how do we do this?  We simply employ a process called visualization. Visualization is more than just use of imagery and fantasy.  It is a process whereby we allow the conscious mind to create its own reality bypassing the reality and anxieties created by the ego-mind. In so doing, we can employ all the energies of the body, mind, and soul to focus on building a new healthy reality.

Our first focus to restoring mental health, especially as bisexuals, has to begin with our bodies.  We must learn to accept and even cherish our bodies in order to restore this flow of energy. First we need to understand that body wellness is intrinsically connected to the brain. As we focus on healing the body we must also focus on healing or restructuring the neural pathways of the brain that are affected by the stress brought on by the anxieties created by the ego-mind. We often form guilt, shame, and body-loathing neural patterns because of our bisexual and bigender struggles which often block the healing energies from entering the body. By reversing negative energy to positive energy we begin to build instead of destroy the body and the brain

An excellent visualization practice is to view the body as a set of seven energy centers that Hindus and Buddhists refer to as chakras . I do not specifically believe these chakras actually exist in physical/energy form, but they may have their own reality through the creation of the spirit-filled, conscious mind. We can actually create and visualize them and then ask them to give us information they contain about the body.  In other words we are giving our body a voice by which it can communicate with the conscious mind. Each chakra is connected to various body, mind and soul functions.  This provides an excellent inventory of areas to check daily for health and wellness during meditation.

Once we have settled into a mindful, conscious state, we check the primary chakra. It is our spirit’s connection to “real life”, located between the hips, in the space above the genitals.  Its purpose is to help the body maintain the primal drives of survival and reproduction  This is the basic spiritual life-force; it keeps us breathing and wishing for one more day of life.  During meditation we simply visualize the Prime Chakra and check for health signs such a brilliance, compactness, and whether it is centered in the body. We can then focus the energies of our conscious mind on the prime chakra until it is restored to a round, compact, brilliant blood-red ball centred in the middle of our being.

If there is a struggle to heal we can ask it to speak to us and reveal the physical and mental areas that need to be addressed, and then sit back and wait for a response, not in words, but in images.  This frequently results in awareness of a physical area that needs to be addressed along with a connection to the neural pathways of the brain. As we visually trace the neural pathway, this usually results in a series of images including events that have made us feel worthless or have dampened our love of life.  We then focus all our energy on these events until we can feel the tension leave our body.  We then refocus on the vital signs of the prime chakra until it is fully restored. We can then use the full energies of the restored prime chakra to focus on the body parts that have been affected while we visualize the healing process.  We then can visualize a restored neural pathway, pruning the connection to pain and negative emotions, and reattaching these memories to positive loving emotions. We can follow this process daily until our bodies are strong and restored to health.

Once we have a healthy mind-set the body is free to use its immune system during the rest of the day to restore the body to complete health.  We can then undertake a good diet and exercise program to help our bodies maintain this health, and of course be diligent in checking daily for negative mental activities that can affect our bodies.

In the next blog we will begin the restructuring of the ego-mind, which of course is the path to mental as well as physical health. The strategies I will introduce in the next series of blogs are all based on imagery and visualization. They are spiritual strategies, but they are also just sound psychological practices.

 

Kundalini – Ode to the Old Oak Tree

You are like the oak, a living taproot, burrowing down into the bowels of the Earth,         Still sucking moisture from the deep, dark dirt when others dry up and drift away.           You refuse to quit when life’s powerful storms persistently belittle your worth,                 You are the burning bush; your red glow flows into my soul, lighting my way.

You maintain your dignity when all others bow their branches to the gods at play.           Your roots are planted in solid ground; they will not run nor buckle nor show                     Any sign of weakness, any indication that we must succumb to this hellish day.             Your roots spread confidently into the rocky soil, demanding your space to grow.

You acknowledge no surrender to the shadows who think they know.                                   Your arms stretch out in defiance; they will not pause, hesitate nor bend;                          You will not bow to those who come to spread their empty words of woe.                             You will fight this battle for me, my Kundalini, to life’s sweet but bitter end.

We are in this together, you and I, through all that comes you will sustain me,           Holding my head, guarding my back, teaching me when, how and why to fight.                 You will guide me through life’s dark jungles into the soft glow of peaceful eternity.        You will keep me in the game, guiding me to the source of the bright white light.

 

 

 

 

[1] Schwartz, Gary, E; Simon, William L. The Energy Healing Experiments. Atria Books, New Your; 2007.

[2] Page 149

Bisexuality – Finding Mental Health

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

Two weeks ago we looked at mental health for bisexuals through statistics, and of course, it was a downer. The statistics for depression and suicide and attempted suicide are staggering. As much as we put on the brave face, and tell the world the glories of bisexuality, there is another part of our community (and truthfully, a part of ourselves) that remains confused and ready to wallow in the old pain body at the next trigger. So what can we do about it? Lots. In the next series of blogs I am going to deal with Real Mental Health, the keys to maintaining and even thriving in spite of life’s ups and downs. Today we will start with my story.

After coming out to my wife and my subsequent divorce in a marriage that had held me together for thirty-three years, I was suicidal. I admitted myself to an eighteen week, five days a week, five hours a day program at the Mental Health Ward at the University of Alberta, Edmonton. I was diagnosed with Acute Generalized Anxiety, Clinical Depression, Avoidance Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder with Sexual Identity Disorder. With therapy and heavy medication, I was able I get my “act” together and return to work as a psychologist for the next two years. I had new mental strategies and a functioning chemically-balanced brain, but nothing inside my mind or my soul had been healed.

I collapsed into a second bout of generalized anxiety and clinical depression, I was suicidal again. During my darkest days, that voice inside me urged me to remember the miracles of the past and believe that I was worthy of one more. I had witnessed and experienced happenings in my life which had no physical or human-brain-power explanations. When my dear French Canadian grandmother was on her death bed dying of cancer, the family gathered together for her last Christmas. She asked to be propped up on pillows in the living room so she could be a part of the gathering. When she heard the fiddle music of her French soul, she got up, and with one hand on the table, she danced the jig. When the song ended, she collapsed on the floor. They put her back in her bed and she never got up again. Like my grandmother, I decided to dance just one more time.

I gave up looking for answers through my mind and just tried to survive the best I could. In the process of avoiding the pain of my mind and soul, I created a time and space vacuum that needed to be filled. I sold or gave away everything I had except what would fit into two suitcases, took an early retirement, and headed for a mountain village in Costa Rica. For the next two years, I searched for moments where I could shut down my mind and just experience peace and contentment. These moments led to a sense of awareness of the beauty surrounding me that was available through my senses. I was able to find inner peace and gradually took myself off all medications. And then, the greatest miracle of all happened; I was able to get in touch with my inner spirit, the “I”, that part of “me” that is aware, conscious and eternal. With the help of a rejuvenated spirit, I was ready to start the healing process of my soul which has stretched on over the past twelve years.

I believe the natural state of man is the Self (or the soul), whole and complete. In my view, the trial of living, especially in our western world, and especially if we are bisexual, fragments us and destroys the harmony of the Self. I believe that living in the spirit is the key to restoring this harmony which can in turn lead to true mental health. I have come to the conclusion that there is a definite, powerful, spiritual energy which is available to all of us, that comes through the heart in the form of feelings. These feelings can guide and empower our thoughts and our actions. Therefore, the focus for healing and maintaining mental health, must be is on these feelings, not the twisted neural pathways of the mind.

In my bisexual journey, I have explored and tried various spiritual practices. For the most part, I have found them to be useful sources of imagery to assist my soul in visualizing the amazing spiritual world in which I live. I have attempted to narrow down my spiritual beliefs and visualization practices to those that have been tested and found true consistently throughout the trials of my life. Next week we will roll up our sleeves and get down to business.

Dance with Death

And having given all, having left nothing in the arena,
I stand exhausted, panting for breath,
Waiting for my heart to stop,
Letting my struggling mind slip into unconsciousness,
Releasing my tortured soul to give up its will to survive.

Having only the desire to raise the sword one last time,
I reject the rhythm of the unknown drummer;
I reject the solitude and the silence of the dark;
I refuse to close my mind to its fear and striving;
I refuse to seal up my soul and run away and hide.
I choose to dance the dance of my own soul;
I choose to let my feet flow
With the rhythm of my own music.

The dance comes on the wings of violence.
It begins with the girding up of loins,
By taking up the sword of truth,
By facing the monsters of the mind,
Matching blow for blow, breath for breath,
Smashing disillusionment, laughing at Fear,
Meeting Self-Hatred with righteous anger,
Disarming the Black Knight of Nothingness.

Then the dance seeks its own rhythm.
There, in the moment of defeat and surrender,
I dance, and I dance, and I dance
To the rhythm of the beating of my heart.
There, in the moment of defeat and surrender,
I dance, and I dance, and I dance,
Moving my feet to the eternal beat,
That guides my soul along the golden path of life.

The whole story can be purchased at: http://www.friesenpress.com/bookstore/title/119734000021128517/Lawrence-J.W.-Cooper-Bi

Two Spirits

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

logo_2Fresh out of university, I spent two years teaching and living on reserves in Northern Manitoba among the Cree and Chipewyan First Nations people.  It has profoundly affected me, giving me a broader perspective on the meaning and purpose of life.  It has taught me to accept every individual simply as they are without any form of judgement. As I set out to explore the meaning and nature of bisexuality, I have once again been reminded of the beautiful spiritual-social nature of the First Nations community before it was influenced by white man’s political-social views and its moralistic standards of sexuality.

Taking the lead from traditional Native Americans and Canadians, I do believe that I, and most other bisexuals, are part of a greater community of Two-Spirited people; we simultaneously house a masculine and a feminine spirit.  Ontario has explored the Two Spirit concept in an attempt to fully understand and support individuals within the LGBT community:

“Two-spirited” refers to a person who has both a masculine and a feminine spirit, and is used by some First Nations people to describe their sexual, gender and/or spiritual identity….These can include terms such as the Lakota’s “winkt” or the Dinéh’s “nàdleehé”, both of which refer to men who fill social roles associated with women, or terms which refer only to sexuality, such as the Mi’kmaq phrase “Geenumu Gessalagee”, which means “he loves men.”[1]

So what have we learned from our Native Canadians about our bisexuality? Lots, we gain a view of bisexuality as a soul-trinity involving sexuality, gender, and spirit.

First of all, make no mistake, it is sexual.  “He loves men” means “He loves men”. We have a tendency in our WASP traditions to wax over the sexual part and focus on some kind of mystical spiritism.  That kind of paternalism is not doing the Two Spirit people true justice.  Sexuality is part of our being; it is a full body-soul expression of who we are.  One of the great warriors of the Sioux, Crazy Horse, is generally believed to have had a male lover.  He was far from effeminate and yet he had a love for men.  The beauty of the native cultures is that they have demonstrated a gentle acceptance of variations in people’s sexuality.  It appears that First nation’s people simply accepted without question or judgement that Crazy Horse loved a man, and that any man or woman could have more than one sexual preference.

In reading the work of Gabriel Estrada with the Navajo, I found this wonderful concept:

“Third and fourth gender roles traditionally embodied by two-spirit people include performing work and wearing clothing associated with both men and women. Not all tribes/nations have rigid gender roles, but, among those that do, some consider there to be at least four genders: feminine woman, masculine woman, feminine man, masculine man.”[2]

 The second lesson then is that First Nation’s people also recognized that Two-Spirited includes gender as well as sexuality. It appears that in the First Nation’s communities, all expressions of gender were generally accepted.  They understood that some men preferred to wear women’s clothing, work alongside the women, and help tend the children. There was no attempt to marginalize them or prevent them from influencing the young people within the community.

In our broken society, the only way for a Two-Spirited man to express his feminine gender is to cross dress in the privacy of his own home or in clubs that will accept his feminine expression.  My introduction to my feminine gender was trying on women’s clothing at age 15.  Later in my life, after my divorce, a spent a year enjoying cross dressing.  When I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the passable face and body of a woman looking back at me, I felt I had found my true identity.  I never did dare to appear in public in my feminine gender identity; that takes the kind of courage I was not able to muster. In our society, as soon as one has been identified as being transgender, he or she is often marginalized and their involvement in the greater society is restricted. My knowledge and experiences as an educator, a psychologist, and a spiritual guide would have been totally disregarded.

I have a gender foundation that has been pruned and shaped by my negative social experiences.  In my society I am merely that queer bisexual man who left his wife so he could have sex with other men. In my struggles, I was labelled by psychologists and psychiatrists as having a personality disorder with a gender identification disorder.  I saw myself as a disorder and a misfit to society.  When I left the pseudo scientific theories behind (tough to do because I was a psychologist by profession), I began to see my gender as a gift from the universe .  At that point, I no longer had a personality disorder as I was able to see myself and love myself as I am.

I came across this additional piece of information:

 “A direct translation of the Ojibwe term, “Niizh manidoowag”, “two-spirited” or “two-spirit” is usually used to indicate a person whose body simultaneously houses a masculine spirit and a feminine spirit”.[3]

In the First Nation’s communities, Two-Spirit people could have a different but definite role in the community. They simply accepted everyone’s contribution as a spiritual gift and allowed them to express their gender-spirit in any way they wished. They could be powerful warriors such as Crazy Horse, or “they were often the visionaries, the healers, the medicine people, the nannies of orphans, the care givers.”[4] Among the First Nations people, there is general recognition that those who have been blessed with two spirits have a special contribution to make to the health and wellness of the community.  The nature of the blended spirit becomes the essential factor.

In my case, I have a spirit that is a blend of my man-spirit and my woman-spirit.  It is this Two-Spirit soul that makes me different; that makes me special.  If I were a member of an historic First Nations Community, I may have been a wise man, a shaman or a healer. My male-female sexuality, two-gender, two-spirit identification has become a beautiful foundation where I can experience my world from two spiritual views.  I now have a unique way of seeing and feeling things that I can employ to help guide my community to insight and compassion.  I have two spirits

In my search of the literature I came across one disheartening trend.  Some First Nation’s people do not want the LGBT community to appropriate and corrupt the two-spirit concept, and I do not blame them.  Unfortunately, we tend to take and use a term to prove our need for special attention in the political arena.  This concept is too precious for that.  Likewise it is too precious to appropriate it and corrupt it to describe and justify our sexual preferences. Our sexual desires do not need to be justified; they are what they are.   This term is certainly not political; it is much more than just sexual, and even more than bisexual. It is holy.  It is spiritual.

 

[1] http://lgbtqhealth.ca/community/two-spirit.php

[2] http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Two-Spirit

[3] Estrada, Gabriel S. 2011. “Two Spirits, Nádleeh, and LGBTQ2 Navajo Gaze.” American Indian Culture and Research Journal 35(4):167-190.

[4] Roscoe, W. (Editor) 1988,Living the Spirit: A Gay American Indian Anthology. City: Publisher

Bisexuality – A Shamanic Dance

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

cropped-logo_2.pngI keep talking about consciousness and trying to create or perhaps fabricate a connection of consciousness to sex and bisexuality.  Does this connection really exist?  I am not sure, but I have a “feeling” that it does, and “feelings” truly are the door to consciousness.

Consciousness is not going blank and staring at a flower, it is experiencing the essence of the flower through the miracle of our spirit.  It is not about mind, or thinking, or imagining, or even sensing; it is about sharing “being”, sharing the essence of life with another living thing. How much more powerful then must it be to share connection, not with a flower, but with a man or a woman.  I believe that sex is one of those portals where we have an opportunity to ride the sensations of the body into a state of conscious bliss where we experience each other’s essence in a truly sensuous, mindless way.  And moreover, I believe that bisexuality gives us an opportunity to experience this bliss from two different sides, each of which has the potential to create and to enter into a state of conscious ecstasy.  Bisexuality is not a curse, it is a double portal into the spiritual.

The key then is to understand sexuality as a part of our divine nature. I have recently run across a website by Terence McKenna that contains some remarkable snapshots into consciousness and (which I apply to) sexuality:

“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering its a feather bed.”[1]

You see, good sex is that shamanic dance in the waterfall.  It is that powerful surge of emotion, feeling, and all the physical and spiritual energy that goes with it. It is the magic that gives us an opportunity to escape the world of patterns and enter into the chaotic abyss for a few precious moments. And then the magic happens. As we leave the world of our mind, the restrictions or our culture, and our desire to seek the comfort of patterns, we land on the feather bed with another human being.

And this one:

“I think of going to the grave without having a psychedelic experience  (is) like going to the grave without ever having sex. It means that you never figured out what it is all about. The mystery is in the body and the way the body works itself into nature.”

You see, the mystery of the body is that we do not enter into nature through our mind or even mindless consciousness but through the sensations of the body.  And the sensations involved with sex are 1000 times more powerful than any other sensation we are likely to experience.  In addition, the beauty of sex is that we enter into nature in the embrace of another through whom we experience the combined rhythm that produces a harmony and  a resonance that slips into the timeless rhythm of nature, reproduction and life.

And this one:

“You are a divine being. You matter, you count. You come from realms of unimaginable power and light, and you will return to those realms.”

You see, once we arrive in this altered state, we can begin to share not only on the body level, but in the glow, the harmony, the sharing of soul, and even perhaps the sharing of spirit.  When we do this, we experience a powerful healing flow mentally and physically as well as spiritually.  This is the source of passion that gives us the male power to conquer the world and the female sensitivity to enjoy it.

So what does this have to do with bisexuality?  Everything.  Three of four bisexual men (previous blog) have their primary sexual orientation towards other men.  This is the primary power source.  This is where the feelings and sensations are at their height.  It becomes a power surge that can carry us into ecstasy.  On the other hand, when we are connected to women, we enter into a different kind of rhythm, a slower quieter beat where there is no urgency, where we can linger and glow, prune and build neural pathways, and form a different kind of harmony that is longer lasting and more centered on relationship building.  This allows us to carry the experience of the bedroom into the world around us, providing us with peace and contentment and harmony.

Bisexuality then is a gift, a portal into two sides of consciousness, the world of passion and the world of harmony. Let go. Leave all your care and even your thoughts behind and join in the shamanic dance beneath the waterfall.

 

[1] http://in5d.com/73-terence-mckenna-quotes/