The Virtue of Truth vs Reality

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)How does one know and understand reality when all thoughts and decisions are governed by cultural influences? Reality involves the sensations that become perceptions as they are initially processed by the old brain. Then reality becomes a personal interpretation as the messages are sent on to the frontal cortex for second appraisal before action takes place. The old brain functions on instinct, including survival and reproduction. The reality is that every fully intact human being is capable of and tuned into being part of reproduction and the survival of the species. The sex part is biological and in a sense the reality, the gender part is very much what we make it. Therefore, truth is relevant to our perceptions and desires.We each have our own personal version of truth.

Is there a gay gene? Maybe, but probably not. Is there a genetic predisposition to being gay or lesbian? Definitely, but for bisexuals these predispositions seem to involve being more sensitive and vulnerable to circumstances in our environment which in turn leads us to engaging in a variety of sexual practices. We do not seem to bond well and therefore lack the system of controls that most people have.

One of the more fascinating studies on bonding and attraction was a study by Scheele et al[1] in which bonded males tended to avoid contact with attractive females under the influence of a nasal oxytocin spray,  whereas unattached males experienced greater attraction.  So what does this have to do with bisexuality?  It would suggest, at least to me, that bonding,   sexual attraction, and gender choice have to do with the presence of oxytocin. By far the majority of children are born with a oxytocin-based bonding process directed towards a person of the opposite sex so that normal reproduction can take place and the human race can be saved one more time. At some point in human development, perhaps even in the womb, the fetus or child forms a bond with the mother that results in the oxytocin mechanism being formed. So what happens if there is no bond, if the mother is experiencing extreme anxiety and is perhaps under the influence of the anxiety/survival masculine hormone of testosterone? Could this perhaps leave the gay male fetus with the need for a male bond or the lesbian fetus with the need for a female bond? Could it be that the bisexual is left without a definite bond for either male or female, and therefore open to attraction with whomever provides excitement and comfort? This, I believe could be the basis of the gay, lesbian or bisexual predisposition. For gays and lesbians they are seeking bonding with same sex partners but what about the bisexual?

When it comes to making decisions, the administration center of the frontal cortex becomes engaged in trying to sort out this sorry mess, leading to inconsistencies and confusion.  There is no strong definite message about attraction and seeking or preserving the partner bond, because the oxytocin urge defined by predisposition and bonding simply is not there. The bisexual does not have an oxytocin bond with his or her mate so has no inhibition or aversion to sexual contact with another individual.  Because there is no genetic same-sex-aversion oxytocin sensation, the bisexual is open to experiencing sexual pleasure with either males or females without any need or desire to bond.  This usually involves a ego or soul based desire to be faithful in a relationship with a psychological aversion to people of the same sex as the partner, and therefore, a feeling that it is okay to engage with sexual activities with the  sex different from the partner and still maintain a warped sense of being faithful. The drive is strictly pleasure based with a smattering of guilt and shame.  At his point it is simply a choice and the admin center makes the decisions based on the information available including the desire for pleasure from the body and the need for maintaining relationships and positions in society from the ego. Most of the time it is no contest – we choose pleasure.

So what has this got to do with Truthfulness? Simply put, we bisexuals have our own version of truth.  We are not bound by biological aversion controls. We are free to make our decision based on our desire, our need for sexual intimacy, and the cultural desire to please and be faithful to a partner.  The mind and body usually fight over the decisions on what is the greater need and the body often wins this argument with the mind. So where does this leave us in regards to truthfulness?

  1. First and foremost we have to be true to ourselves and recognize that these needs are often overpowering and we have no biological control mechanisms to make the decisions for us.
  2. We have to be conscious of our desires and why we have them. If we are going to be true to ourselves, we have to honor the cravings of our bodies. If our bodies absolutely need the excitement and comfort of these relationships, we have to create a life where these impulses are honored.
  3. If we have a need to create a mentally constructed relationship rather than a bonded relationship with one individual then we should do so. For us bisexuals we have to make a conscious decision on why we want to spend our lives with this person and not just rely on the non-existent bonding biological systems.
  4. We have to realize that our attraction for our partner is not biological bond-based and therefore will vary over time. However, our partner (unless they are bisexual) will have formed a biological oxytocin bond with us and will continue to experience strong sexual attraction for us and will be very uncomfortable with our situation based attraction for them. We have to consciously maintain our levels of attraction for them to accommodate their needs.
  5. We also have to realize that they are bonded to us and have an aversion for relationships with others. They will find it very difficult to understand why we do not respond in like manner.  In other words we have to continuously work on meeting their needs for attraction and security within what is to them a bonded relationship.

[1] Scheele D., Striepens N., Gunturkun O., Deutschlander S., Maier W., Kendrick K., and Hurlemann R.. Oxytocin Modulates Social Distance between Males and Females. Journal of Neuroscience 14 November 2012, 32 (46) 16074-16079; DOI:


Bisexuality, the Heart, and Transgression

2016-03-26_0931There is a dilemma, in fact, almost a paradigm shift, in sexuality that needs to be addressed, especially in how it affects bisexual men and women. In years gone by relationship would lead to sex; in today’s generation, sex seems to lead to relationship.  In days gone by, we seem to have been guided by thoughts of transgression which prevented us from engaging in sex in a care-free manner in spite of the powerful desires of our bodies. Today, many of us engage in sexual acts without any feelings of transgression. Is this healthy?   This is a question that no one wants to ask today in fear of somehow offending the rights and freedoms of the modern generation.  Perhaps it is, but it does need to be viewed on a conscious level.  We must not throw out the baby (used to be literally) with the bath water.

Today’s women particularly seem to be exploring bisexuality as a natural flow of their sexuality.  As we have seen in a previous blog, close to 50% have experienced some form or bisexual desire and behavior.    According to the same set of studies, 95% of men tend to believe and act upon the belief that one should be either gay or heterosexual and most of them choose to be heterosexual. There is little room for accepting bisexuality. This brings us into the field of transgression.  Fifty percent of women and over ninety percent of men choose not to be involved in bisexual exploration, many of whom believe bisexuality to be a transgression which is a polite word for perversion. For us bisexuals, what others believe should not be important unless, of course, we are living a secretive life and have to deal with these people on a daily basis. The real question is what do “we” believe, and if this belief system needs to change in order for us to thrive mentally and spiritually.

Let’s look at transgression from a body, mind and soul perspective.  The body hormone system, once turned on by the brain,seeks sexual gratification and pleasure according to its sexual orientation, which for most of us bisexual men and women is same sex copulation or other sexual gratifications. There is no judgment here, therefore, no transgression. However, the mind or ego operates according to rules and regulations, and therefore is influenced by its environment and sets of moral and physical experiences. It produces thoughts which can be the source of  transgression. On the other hand the heart or soul seeks love in all its forms.  It is the heart that must choose between the desires of the body and pleasure seeking center of the brain, and the moral concerns of the ego. This is where the concept of transgression becomes just a feeling, and needs to be clarified before we can thrive as bisexual men and women.

Bisexual women tend to look for connection with other women and seek skin on skin with some degree of emotional involvement.  As long as they can detach from or train their egos to accept this behavior as  normal and satisfying, they can enjoy the eroticism on this level.  There is a danger here in that the act can become satisfying for its own sake and does not lead to the deeper emotional connection of love and compassion for their sexual partner.  They may shut down their feelings of transgression from the heart.  Over time, these feelings can become magnified and lead to disillusionment and possible dissatisfaction with life. This may be the cause of an extremely high number of suicides and suicide attempts among bisexual women.

Bisexual men on the other hand can detach the sexual act from any sense of connection, to the self or to others.  We can seek glory holes in Adult Stores (common in the USA), or bath houses, or paths in the dark in wooded parks, where we are not even aware of the person’s face.  In my opinion, this is very destructive and can lead to deep feelings of transgression even to the body and brain that seeks deeper sensations of skin on skin.  We can also seek dating services where we can find skin on skin with no strings attached.  This allows for deeper physical connection but totally shuts down the heart.  Again, as with women, we can enjoy the pleasure of these experiences if we can convince  the mind that wants some system of understanding, and, of course, the heart that seeks deeper emotional connection.  Over time, we may experience deep feelings of discontentment and emptiness which may lead to depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and possible suicide.

The question on transgression then becomes whether or not we are being true, not to the voices of others, not to the voice of our mind or ego, but to our own inner voice.  If we feel that our behavior is somehow a transgression of our inner values, then we must not silence that voice, because that voice is trying to lead us on to deeper truths and feelings.  These feelings can only come through deeper connections within the self and with others, and, of course, we call this feeling “love”. Love is the root of genuine positive feelings for the Self, our self-concept, and our self-esteem. It leads to a higher state of being where we thrive instead of just survive. In my opinion, the shutting down of this voice leads to meaningless sexual acts that numbs the mind and soul to sexual experiences that are meant to be full body-mind-soul experiences, and therefore, much deeper and healthier. Can we still be bisexual and experience these sensations with both men and women? Of course, but  we have to be selective in the kinds of acts in which we engage, and we have to let our heart lead us to the kind of people where we can share on a body, mind and soul level.

The key to thriving in all aspects of life is to learn to listen to the heart, to trust our inner feelings, while silencing the corrupted thoughts from our wounded egos. This includes our sexuality. This is different from the “if it feels good, do it” from the body and the pleasure center of the brain.  A better statement from the heart would be. “If it feel right, do it.”

Married to a Bisexual Man

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(The following  blog on why a woman can enjoy bring married to or partnered with a bisexual man is based directly on the thoughts and words of my beloved mate and the love of my life.)

The other day my wife stated that she would not get involved with another heterosexual man if I passed on before her. I asked for explanations.

She said that in the 17 years that she had been divorced she had kissed a lot of frogs to find her prince (me, lol), she had noticed that many of them spent a lot of time interacting from their brains and dicks but not from their hearts. Apparently I was the first man who connected with her almost immediately from the heart.

She also told me that when she was a student at university she met a lot of really sweet (and stinkingly handsome) fellows who made easy heart contact and delightful conversationalists.  However, they could not perform in bed* and the poor girl was left with the impression that there was something wrong with her that turned those young men off. Only much later did she find out they were gay.

After her divorce she was frequently attracted to openly gay men and felt sad when they told her that they were not ‘available’. She intuitively knew that a marriage partner would have to possess some of those wonderful qualities that she had observed in her gay male friends: a spiritual approach to life, a way with words, appreciation for art, high energy, a love of life expressed in music and dance,  a high sex drive (preferably with knowledge about the workings of female sex preferences), compassion for sentient beings, enjoyment of nature, etc.

While heterosexual men have many of the above characteristics, she now can see that bisexual men (me) have a heightened sensitivity to them. They are easily moved to tears of sadness or joy and display intuitive understanding in many situations without requiring intellectual explanations or interpretations. Of course their hyper-sensitive natures can create ‘princesses’ that require an especially thoughtful approach with communication (me again, sad but true). Many bi men have anxiety and low self-esteem issues, so when a situation wakes up their pain body,  the Ego is immediately in charge and sparks can fly.

While my wife sometimes feels frustrated  by my over-reactions, she takes them with a grain of salt. She sees the many benefits of our union and is willing to pay the price for a deeply heart-centered relationship.


  • Most gay men either cannot or for some reason or other have no desire to have sex with women.  On the other hand, bisexual men have no difficulty engaging in and enjoying sex with either a man or a woman.


How to Keep a Bi-man at Home

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The following has been written by my wife, who has tried to understand my bisexuality so that she can help me on my life’s journey.  We have consciously worked out our sexual passion  so that it can enrich our relationship.  Here is her advice to bisexual couples:


Intimacy requires emotional sensitivity and sexual compatibility.

Since a bisexual man is basically gay, he has a very active sex drive that needs to be met. At the beginning of a relationship he may be besotted with the woman meeting his emotional and physical needs. He may not pay attention to her having an average to low sex drive. Over time he may become aware of her lack of interest which may become the one reason that drives him back into the arms of gay lovers.

Couples in a bisexual relationship need to be sexually compatible if they want to flourish. ( Which is also true for heterosexuals.) There needs to be a willingness to bring in excitement based on knowing what turns the partner on. Bi men can instantly be ready to mate, and be unaware that their female partner needs emotional and physical stimulation to get aroused. If that does not happen she may become frustrated and withdraw or become a ‘routine’ partner.

Women don’t like being used as sperm ‘receptacles’, they want to be seduced and played with. A good lover needs to have sexual skills and a good knowledge of the most responsive and pleasurable spots on his woman’s body. The ecstacy/oxytocin he produces in her makes her want more and keeps the excitement alive. On the other hand there is nothing wrong with an occasional ‘quickie’, but the emphasis is on occasional.

Some bottom guys may take on the role of the female and expect the woman to initiate sex. This works when the couple have a heart to heart connection where the woman is keen on pleasing her man in a role reversal. It also requires knowing what her man likes. Frank and honest communication is the key to letting each other know what works.

Bisexual men seek out women because they want a heart to heart connection. Gay encounters can leave them emotionally empty and unfulfilled. Their beautiful sensitive nature wants to be nurtured and expressed. It’s the female partner’s privilege to meet that need by accepting and appreciating her man’s feminine side.

By being active sexual and emotional partners the need to seek pleasures outside the relationship can thus be greatly diminished. 


My response.

I dare not contradict anything said here (lol), but there is one note I would like to add.  In response to one of my readers, I have to agree to disagree that we are not necessarily “basically gay”. We are heterosexual and gay and really not either but a combination of the two and maybe not even that.  Like three out of four bisexual men, however, my fantasies tend to focus on male sex.  But, when it comes to love and intimacy I gravitate to women.  I am the only bisexual my wife sees so this is her honest perception.