Tag: Sex

Bisexuality, Nonbinary Nature, and the Human Heart

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(The thoughts in this post are in no way meant to be critical for other people’s sexual experiences. They are simply part of my own life story.)

Bisexuality is much more complex than just the physical structures and chemistry of the brain. I also experience a variety of emotions such as joy and contentment when sex involves love, and confusion and self-doubt when I explore my sexuality through casual sex. After sex I often question things and wonder how it all fits into my life story and my love relationship with life-partners and family. I have an open relationship with my present life-partner, but I still have to deal with the feeling that my mate is the special someone who is at the core of my thoughts and feelings about sex and love relationships.

It is through our life-partners  that we may be involved in the production of offspring and the creation of a family. In my own experience, by being a father, I was able to  enter into a whole new dimension of love and sexuality. In my first marriage, when the children were younger and needed my contributions as a father, I kept my urges basically under control except for a few failures where I simply felt overpowered and ignored the possible consequences. However, once the children were grown up and were independent solid and productive human beings, all hell broke loose.  It resulted in my marriage break-up which I have regretted to this day. I was unable to let the love of my soulmate keep me from same-sex impulses. In my mind I could probably tell you why this had to happen, but I still view it as my own personal failure. My love was not strong enough to control my sexual impulses.

In spite of what I have deducted rationality, being nonbinary has had very little to so with my sexual urges. Being nonbinary simply means I do not adhere to widely accepted gender roles. I am free to form intimate relationships with both males and females, with or without sex. I am neither strictly male or female in the way I think and feel. I may be a combination of both or simply have socially evolved beyond restrictive standards established by society. I can experience freedom in gender identity switching from male to female based on my feelings or sexual expressions.  The female identity part of me may involve specific behaviors associated with being female like skills in social interaction and emotion regulation, while the male part of me might be involved in protection and providing. However, it is much more complex than that. At the root of it all is my desire for love and the need to overcome the complications placed on me by societal norms, morals, and expectations. In order to love myself I need to love being me and have the freedom to love whomever I want to love.

Sex for me has to be connected to love. After sex I need to linger in the moment to develop more love for myself and the one I am with. The male part of me uses dopamine and endorphins to pursue sex and enjoy body and brain pleasure. The female part of me uses serotonin after sex to help reinforce feelings of trust and relationship. Oxytocin is very powerful in my female side to help me sexually bond with my lover, so I have to be very careful with whom I have sex. Bonding means I have to give part of my emotional heart to my lover and receive part of my lover’s emotional heart in return. That means I have to connect at a deeper level of sex than casual hook ups. That means I have to have relationship before starting the sexual bonding process.

Yes, because of my nonbinary nature, I seek more intimacy with my partner with more touch, hugs, kisses, and perhaps sex. I explore the depths of love with my partner and share all those delicious feelings. Above all, I will never stop loving myself regardless of what I say or do. This love for myself lets me respect and appreciate the power of sex.  This love lets me respect and care for my present wife and any future potential sexual partners.

Bisexuality and the Human Mind

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This next topic is very personal to me. There is no other topic that has caused me more concern and grief. I identify myself sexually as bisexual and gender as non-binary. That is not a problem – that is just my reality. But the problem then is how to keep this in balance, especially sexually. Specifically, how do I control my sexual urges that long to connect sexually with other males and females. Even more specifically I need to know if it’s okay to engage in hooking up just for the sexual experience which I have done occasionally throughout the years but not without concern and remorse. I also need to find clarity and consensus about open relationships. My life-partner and soulmate has encouraged me to exercise my gay side but I do not feel right about doing so.

From a strictly physical view,  I simply have sexual urges, the need for touch and sexual gratification. Some of this urge is part of my biological and chemical expressions connected with procreation. Beyond that I enjoy the wholesome intimacy I experience with my female partners, but I also enjoy the wild excitement I experience with my casual male partners. This is very confusing for me. On one hand I love the sensations that hit the pleasure centers of my brain when I engage in sex with someone new, but then I get all tangled up in in social and guilt issues. It can be very painful.

There is some evidence that my gender identity and sexual orientation are predetermined by prenatal exposure to testosterone and estrogen as well as to pheromonal input from the mother during the fetus stage. Of course, pheromones are obviously a major driver in all animals but not truly understood when it comes to humans. I can tell you it is real; I experience it at the subconscious level. As you know, the olfactory nerve connects directly to the frontal cortex of the brain, and it is through my sense of smell that I experience the pheromones of both females and males and am physically drawn to them. The heterosexual part of me includes my biological desire for procreation and bonding. The same-sex part is strictly a powerful urge for body-to-body connection coupled with sexual gratification. It can be a powerful physical high.

            Family and twin studies indicate that genes play a role, although no specific genes have been identified. It is through the activation of groups of genes from stimuli in the environment that has determined my bisexuality and nonbinary gender and my responses to sexual attraction that I have experienced during various stages of our life. My impulses have a lot to do with sexual regional connectivity and the differences in brain connectivity patterns between the presence of both male and female identification clusters within my brain. Having characteristics from both sexes impacts my sexual predisposition. A lot of my responses are governed by my body’s reaction to sexual attraction. Once my body is charged up for sex, it is very difficult for me to respond rationally.

My bisexuality and nonbinary gender identification has had a profound impact on my brain structures, rational functions, and neurochemistry. The mental component of sexual attraction for us bisexuals includes a range of factors such as sexual curiosity, sexual sensation seeking, and sexual excitability. When it comes to my nonbinary pursuits I have the qualities of both male and female brain functions. As a male I have a higher density of connections in the amygdala, which involves behaviors like aggressive pursuit for mating. The male side of my brain tends to be more efficient to lateralize and compartmentalize which has the advantage of making me more task-focused with less concern for consequences. The female part of my brain has a larger hippocampus for human memory and the maintaining of a life story. My female brain has more nerve connections with constant cross-signals. It takes in more so it tends to see how the sexual experience fits in with the bigger picture of life and family.

            The amygdala is often associated with fear and anger; however, it is also required when I work for rewards such as sexual pleasure and orgasm. For my male and female combined brain, the amygdala activates the neurochemicals; however, dopamine is initially much stronger in my male functions. When dopamine is released in my male brain, I immediately feel a sense of temporary pleasure, sexual arousal, and motivation to pursue resulting in a genital response. My female part of me, however, is slow in getting started but wants to prolong the experience. After orgasm dopamine levels decrease and serotonin levels increase. Serotonin usually decreases sexual behavior but creates a long-lasting feeling of happiness or well-being. Oxytocin is a hormone and a neurotransmitter that is sometimes referred to as the love hormone. It is more dominant in my female side then the male. The male part of me has had its rush and is ready to move on. In the female side Oxytocin levels increase during hugging, orgasm, and post orgasm and are associated with feelings of empathy, trust, and relationship-building.

As you can see, being bisexual and nonbinary have a strong clashing chemical iresponse making me sexually aggressive but much more sensitive. When it comes to casual sex and hooking up, the male part of me is satisfied and is ready to move on, but the female side of me wants to prolong the post orgasm experience and may feel that something is missing after casual sex. My mind also has to weigh social norms and expectations with my desire for sexual pleasure. This often leads to feeling of regret, shame, and guilt.

Alas, poor me, however, I am not a slave to my mind and body. There is part of me that can rationalize and control my impulses. I have to rely more on my heart for the pursuit of love for self and for the people with whom I have sex. Casual sex may meet my body and mind needs but it can be so much more. I need to follow my heart and seek more intimacy and deeper relationships.