Category: Bisexuality and the Virtue of Acceptance

I Choose to Ignore That

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Due to the high positive correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder, we are attempting to get a better understanding of this relationship so that we can learn to survive and thrive with our bisexuality. 

DSM 5 – Pathological personality traits in: negative affectivity – Anxiousness::Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses;

We now move into the field of anxiety and how it relates to BPD traits. The first concern in this area is related to how we react to interpersonal stresses. The dominant factor here is our response to perceptions of rejection.to read more:

I Choose to Ignore That

New Year’s Resolutions for Bisexuals

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shirt-tie-w-out-white-background-final-13 The best advice I can give regarding New Year’s Resolutions is, “Don’t do it!” If you are striving and hoping to change your sexual behavior, “Stop trying!” Why? Because our brains do not work that way.
       Let me explain. Our brains are designed to avoid pain and seek pleasure, and seeking pleasure is ten times (I made that up) more powerful than avoiding pain. But it does not stop there. There are two kinds of pleasure: the activation of the quick route through the pleasure system of the brain, and the process of setting goals and achieving them.  They both go through the same pleasure system, but one is short term and leads to pleasure, and the other is long term and leads to happiness. 
       So what is the difference between pleasure and happiness? Pleasure is easy to define; it is biological; more specifically, it is chemical. It has two purposes: to excite and then to soothe, thus completing the pleasure circuit of the brain. Our bisexual brains have decided that the quickest and most powerful way to activate the pleasure system is gay or lesbian sex. This is how it works. We are feeling down and need a fix; we need to get a high to escape the low. All drugs work this way including that wonderful hormone mix of testosterone, estrogen, oxytocin, epinephrine, and adrenalin. Together they not only  excite the body, but they  also serve as neuromodulators to excite the brain. Now the combined hormone/dopamine rush is on with the goal of a pleasure bath through sex. There is one other thing to consider. Having sex with our life partner is great and usually provides a high; however, if we are really down, we may need a greater high. This is where going out on the hunt, or to a lover on the side, comes into play. You see, the novelty of finding a new partner or the feeling of crossing a forbidden boundary actually adds to the charge – namely a more intense flow of dopamine and a greater adrenalin rush. At this point, desire becomes an obsession, an intense dopamine and hormone flow that can only be alleviated by accomplishing our goal – new and exciting sex. Unfortunately, there is usually no soothing after we literally come back to our senses. There is usually pain in the form of guilt and shame. Oops, no soothing. Back to anxiety.
       Now let’s look at happiness which is much more complex and almost impossible to define because it means different things to different people. The closest we can get to universal agreement on happiness is intimacy. This is where sex with a life partner comes in. We look across the room and see our lover and our neurons begin to fire. We are not likely looking just for a fix. Usually, the goal is intimacy. Whenever we feel a little down or we have a hard time seeing the connection with our partner, within ourselves, with life, the world (whatever), we can connect all those dots with sex with our partner (a very clever design because it has the potential to create one more human being and save the human race one more time). This type of sex in usually slower, seeking connection as well as pleasure. This combination of connection and pleasure creates intimacy and intimacy is a form of happiness. To celebrate this reconnection with our partner, our world, and our self the brain now releases a flow of serotonin creating a soothing type of contentment and quiet pleasure; in other words, happiness. The circuit is now complete.  No anxiety.
       Which brings us back to New Year’s Resolutions. They simply do not work. Our brain will refuse to abandon its favorite sources of pleasure without a very good reason. So all the “I will stop” resolutions are worse than useless. They create anxiety, and unsoothed anxiety is a form of pain which the brain wants to avoid. These types of resolutions are doomed to fail, and repeated failure is another form of anxiety and pain. What about the “From now on I will…” resolutions? In this case, the brain has another objection. You see, the pay-off or reward has to be perceived as attainable and perceived as a significantly greater source of pleasure. In other words, we have to firmly believe that being “happy” will be a greater reward than the sought after pleasure. The second factor is that we also weigh the amount of effort (employed anxiety) it will take to achieve the goal. If the cost is too great the brain will not engage the dopamine achievement pleasure system. It takes a strong dopamine charged circuit to change a behavior, and the brain simply does not want to expend the energy it takes to prune and develop the circuits needed to change the behavior.
So what is the alternative? Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals:
  1. We do not make any New Year’s Resolution. We do not try to change our behavior. Instead, we aim to evolve into higher human beings. If we can learn to appreciate and enjoy who we are, we will be “happy”, and as long as we are happy, we will no longer have out of control anxiety, and we will no longer have the need for a sexual high to counterbalance our emotional lows.
  2. We can do this by awakening our higher self. It takes no effort, so our brain will be happy. We simply change our paradigm. We simply choose to accept ourselves and love ourselves just the way we are, with all our flaws. This includes our sexual orientation and our sexual desires and behaviors.  They are what they are. There is no blame there is no shame.
  3. We continue to seek pleasure. It is a wonderful gift from the universe. Whenever we have sex we enjoy every minute of it. Every smell, every touch, every taste, every “I love you”, and how beautiful our partner is. We plan to indulge all our senses. No blame no shame. After sex, we stick around and come down together, thus releasing all our tensions and enjoying our body’s serotonin bath.
  4. We do not stop at pleasure, we seek happiness.  This means getting rid of guilt and shame once and for all. If we have a partner, we work things out together. It will mean honesty and compromise. If we cannot work it out, we may have to make plans to part. Whatever path we choose, we have to free our sexual behavior from the guilt and shame pattern. Sex was meant to be enjoyed and to be a part of our pleasure and happiness circuits. It is too powerful a force to have working against us, and it is too precious a gift not to be enjoyed.
  5. We seek deeper and deeper levels of intimacy. Good sex with a partner leads to bonding, intimacy, contentment, purpose, and to feelings of control rather than helplessness. It establishes a firm base. It is that one guiding principle that our brain can understand. It is willing to try anything, any new adventure or risk as long as it adds to its feelings of intimacy and contentment.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety Attacks

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Bisexuality

(This is part of an ongoing series linking bisexuality with Borderline Personality Disorder)

 As we have delved into factors involving the sixth symptom for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) on the DSM IV, and the corresponding section of the DSM 5, we seem to be getting deeper and deeper into the traits exhibited by people with BPD.  We started with episodic dysphoria which basically can be translated into problems with coping with the content of our life stories.   We then moved onto anxiety and tapped into research that indicated that BPD patients have to deal with one or more anxiety disorders.  Last week we looked at Generalized Anxiety Disorder and today we want to take a closer look at Panic Attack Disorder, or its sister, Anxiety Attack.

According to research we have quoted in past blogs, approximately 90% of people with BPD have some form of clinical anxiety dysfunction. Further research indicates that about 50% experience anxiety or panic attacks. These attacks occur frequently because of difficulty coping with sudden stresses brought on by criticism, rejection, or the threat of separation from people who are important. These reactions, if consistent and occurring over a prolonged period of time, can lead to physical symptoms such as migraines and other syndromes. Intense and prolonged anxiety attacks can be a major cause of suicidal attempts. 

An anxiety attack, according to the DSM 5, involves a period of intense fear with four or more of the following symptoms:

  • palpitations, pounding heart, or increased heart rate
  • sweating
  • trembling or shaking
  • sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
  • feeling of choking
  • chest pain or discomfort
  • nausea or abdominal distress
  • feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
  • feelings of unreality or being detached from oneself
  • fear of losing control or going crazy
  • fear of dying
  • numbness or tingling sensations
  • chills or heat sensations

Based on my own experience, my attacks involved a constriction of my breathing, including tightness in the chest, and the proverbial lump in the throat, or as mentioned above, a feeling of choking. It was like this tightness went from the chest, to my throat, culminating in a feeling of physical numbness flowing over my brain. When I tried to react to the criticism, it usually changed the level and intensity of my speech, leading to what appeared to be a high-pitched angry outburst. I also experienced that I was no longer in control of what I wanted to say or do, and that these incidences were occurring almost beyond my own mind and body.

For many years after my divorce and crash, my intense feelings of rejection and abandonment caused me to retreat into a form of social hibernation, where I isolated myself from any possible  threatening social situation. However, when I got married for the second time, I could no longer avoid social conflicts, and I found I was demonstrating an extreme out-of-control reaction to minor sources of criticism. When this occurred, I had to remove myself from the house and take a long walk until the adrenaline rush subsided. However, I was left with an even bigger problem now because guilt and shame had replaced anger. She in turn would withdraw and go silent which further accentuated my feelings of rejection. These anxiety attacks would usually last no more than half an hour, but the guilt and shame would last for days. This went on until the pain of emotional separation was greater that the guilt and shame. I would then painfully reengage with her and try to work out the cause of the initial reaction. 

We have been married now for four years and, with her patience and persistence, and hours and hours of discussion, we have come to grips with my anxiety attacks and developed strategies to avoid and diffuse them before they go into the guilt and shame stage. I have finally learned to deal with these feeling of rejection and abandonment. I have come to realize that she is in for the full ten yards. She has no intention of rejecting or abandoning me. Occasionally these anxiety attacks still occur but I can resolve them by reminding myself that I am not being rejected and I do not have to fear abandonment. These issues are now resolved in minutes rather than days and they are becoming less and less frequent.

So how do we deal with these anxiety attacks? One of the ways is through medication. I now take a very low dose of a mild anti-anxiety, serotonin enhancing, drug. This relieves the intensity of the generalized anxiety feelings and provides a stop gap to a full blown anxiety attack. Needless to say, one should proceed with caution and only with a doctor or psychiatrist who is equipped to monitor the drug affects and make the necessary adjustment to the types of medication and the dosage. We are our own best guide. If it works, we will sense it. We have to watch for and monitor the side effects.

One of the side effects unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, can be a reduced libido, which in the case of us bisexual males, this can be somewhat of a relief. I have found that I can still become aroused and engage but the urgency to perform is gone. Ejaculation, although desired and still available, is no longer the goal. I now have more control over my biological processes and seek intimacy rather that sexual release. In addition, I no longer use gay sexual encounters or fantasies as a way to reduce my anxiety thresholds.

But medication, at best, is only part of the answer.  Advocates of treatment for panic attack recommend cognitive therapy. The key is to be able to recognize the causes of the anxiety and take cognitive measures to reduce the thresholds. In other words we learn to soothe ourselves.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals with BPD:

  1. We learn to recognize and accept that we have borderline personality profiles and that we belong to the 50% group who have to learn to live with anxiety attacks.
  2. We explore the possibility of engaging in anti-anxiety drug therapy, but we do not go into this blind. We find a doctor or psychiatrist that we trust and who will work with us to monitor and seek the best drug with the lowest possible dosage. When a drug is prescribed, we research it and discuss our findings with our physician. We should notice a marked decrease in anxiety attacks while still functioning normally in every other way.
  3. We engage in cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy simply means we change our thinking patterns. We can do this on our own or, if we do not feel comfortable with that, we find a therapist who will engage in Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy (more on this is future blog). If we do this on our own, here is a simple formula for dealing with disagreements with loved ones:
    • We recognize the internal source of our anxiety (usually a feeling of rejection or abandonment).
    • We deal with this inner source by self-soothing. For example: there, there now, it’s okay; we can handle this; we are loved; there will be no rejection.
    • We recognize the external source of our anxiety (usually criticism) and deal with it.  We let the person know we are having anxiety issues. We tell them how we are feeling. For example: “I am having a hard time dealing with what you just said, can you please reword that in a gentler manner”.
    • We seek external and internal resolution. We talk it through with the person we are dealing with and then talk our self through the process until the soothing takes place.
    • If it’s a loved one – we ask for a hug.  
  4. If the above process is inappropriate for the circumstances, we learn to sooth ourselves. When we feel we are being criticized, we need to deal with the feelings associated with the criticism before it leads to an anxiety attack.
    • We practice the magic square (four breaths in, hold for four seconds, four breaths out, hold for four seconds, repeat).
    • We then get through the situation the best and quickest way we can, usually by accepting the criticism and then behaving appropriately.
    • We then soothe ourselves by recognizing that we just had an anxiety attack and telling ourselves it’s natural and okay and that we handled it beautifully.
    • We go through the incident again in our minds to see how we were triggered and how we can handle the situation better in the future.
    • We give ourselves a hug.
  5. We engage in long term anxiety control. For more details, see the last blog for suggestions to control generalized anxiety.

Borderline Personality Disorder, Disinhibition, and Suicidal Behavior

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img_1394-1(This is the third in the series linking Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) with Suicidal Behavior. In the first blog, we established the link between BPD and suicidal behavior in general, and in the second blog we looked at the correlation with childhood sexual abuse.)

A study conducted by Brodsky et al [1] involving 214 inpatients diagnosed with BPD, concluded that Impulsivity was the only characteristic of borderline personality disorder that was associated with a higher number of previous suicide attempts. Could it be that impulsivity by itself, leading to risk taking, is the leading cause of suicidal behavior among those diagnosed with BPD? I think not, at least not in isolation.

So why are we splitting hairs when it comes to the causes of suicidal behavior and BPD? We know there is a link with BPD and suicide, and we know there is a link with suicide, impulsivity, and risk taking. Whether or not suicidal thoughts and behaviors are a symptom of BPD or not is not the issue. The issue is that people with BPD  are dying because of their risk taking. This is especially evident in the case of the flirtation with death through street drugs. Why are we doing that? Why are we taking risks with drugs we know are, or may be, laced with fentanyl? Why have we gay and bisexual men engaged in unsafe gay sex when it may have led to AIDS? Why such a disregard for our own lives?

Speaking from personal experience, impulsivity was not my major cause of suicidal thoughts. It was my sense of failure and hopelessness. I never made an attempt on my life but I certainly took risks that I hoped might end it for me. Perhaps, it is the combination of other affects in conjunction with impulsivity, in other words,  a kind of global personality disorder, including impulsivity, that puts us at risk not just for suicidal thoughts but for actual suicidal attempts. Perhaps it is merely not wanting to live our lives anymore because there is too much pain coupled with a desperate sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

So what can we do about it? Therapy should begin not with what has happened in the past, and not the sense of hopelessness in the present.  We have to start with finding something to be thankful for, and what a better place to start than with life itself. We have to stop viewing life through the eyes of our damaged egos and begin to see the possibilities of a life we would love to live that is being offered by our higher self. We have to close our eyes and ears to the message of hopelessness and helplessness and open ourselves up to the message of hope and love from our higher self. We should be focusing on what life can be, not what it was not. We have to learn to dream again and see the possibilities of a life of peace and contentment, a life that we would truly love to live. There is a light at the end of the tunnel; we just have to open the eyes of our higher self to see it.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals with BPD:

  1. We can look deep inside ourselves and find that sweet spot at the center of our being, the home of our higher self. We can do this through meditation where we seek out that especial place that is within all of us.
  2. During the day, we just stop the madness for a few minutes and enter into a state of short meditation where we seek the presence of our higher self. It will give us a moment of peace.
  3. If we stay in the moment, our higher self will begin to heal our wounds and dissolve our sorrows. It may be just a quiet knowing, or it may be an emotional charge as old feelings come to the surface and are let go. We do not try to analyse where the feeling comes from; we just acknowledge it and let it go. It’s okay for us men to cry.
  4. We begin to search for and recognize our inner voice. We choose to silence the voice of our mind and welcome the voice of our spirit. It will always say I love you in a thousand different ways.
  5. We recognize that we are in essence love and that love starts with love for our self. We tell ourselves that we are proud that we have survived the pain and we give our self a hug.

[1] Brodsky, Beth S.; Malone, Kevin M.; Ellis, Steven P.; Dulit, Rebecca A.; and Mann, Hohn J..

Characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder Associated With Suicidal Behavior. Am J Psychiatry 1997; 154:1715–1719)

 

 

Borderline Personality Disorder, Bisexuality, and Suicidal Behavior

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)In previous blogs, we have established the highly significant link between Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bisexuality. Due to the epidemic of suicidal behavior and related drug overdose, in the next five blogs, we will try to explore the links between BPD, suicidal behavior, and risk taking. Today we want to explore the association with BPD in general.

At first glance, there appears to be a conflict between the DSM 4 and the DSM 5 on the inclusion of Suicidal Behavior as a symptom for BPD. The DSM4 includes it as the fifth symptom, “recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.”  However, it only appears in the DSM5 under the broader title of Disinhibition – Topic B – Risk Taking – which includes “Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences, lack of concern for one’s limitations, and denial of the reality of personal danger.”

First, let’s be clear about the connection between suicidal behavior and BPD. Black et al (2018) [1] discovered that at least three-quarters of people diagnosed with BPD have attempted suicide, and approximately 10% have died tragically. These are truly significant figures. If we recall that patients have to have five significant traits for diagnosis, even if one of these was suicidal behavior, there is still enough evidence that BPD people are definitely at risk. Borderline sufferers (and believe me, we do suffer) at greatest risk include those with prior attempts, an accompanying major depressive disorder, or a substance use disorder. Each of these by themselves are a major concern for suicide, but taken together with BPD, they seem to create the perfect storm. Other BPD personality traits that are associated with Suicidal Behavior are hopelessness, impulsivity, and a turbulent early life. They further conclude that clinicians must avoid the mistake of thinking that a pattern of repeated attempts indicates attention seeking or a call for help. According to Black et.al, this behavior is a genuine attempt to end life.

I think to clearly understand the thoughts and emotions that lead to suicide, we have to take a closer look at the definition above that includes gestures, threats and self-mutilation. For today, let’s take a closer look at gestures and threats. From my personal experience, almost everyone with BPD has entertained thoughts of suicide sometime in their life. In my own case, I struggled with the usual feelings of helplessness and self-loathing, especially when connected to my bisexual desires. It was not until I decided to inform my wife about my struggles, and the subsequent divorce, that I entertained suicidal thoughts, but unlike 75% of my fellow BPD sufferers,  I still could not pull the trigger. Instead, I engaged in all kinds of reckless behavior with the thought that I would welcome death if it happened. I also  made threats to myself and informed others that I was having suicidal thoughts but never reached the point of an actual attempt.  So what is the difference between thoughts and actions?

Again we need to look at the old formula – beliefs beget thoughts, thoughts beget feelings, and feelings beget actions. In my case, I think I shared the same beliefs with my suicide- attempting brothers and sisters. We believed that we were failures; we hated ourselves; and we no longer wanted to live out our painful lives. I think we probably shared the same thought patterns. That leaves feelings as the major component in the difference between thinking suicidal thoughts and actually carrying them out. And again, I think we probably shared the same feelings, but it was the depth of the feelings that made a difference. For these souls, hopelessness became despair; self-loathing became indifference; wanting to end the pain became the only solution, which was, of course,  the final solution. In my case, I was willing to ride it out, not believing that any good could come out on my life, but simply deciding to go through the motions and continuing in high risk behavior. Fortunately, in my case, time, the ultimate healer, eventually made the pain more bearable, and I waited around on this planet long enough that I began to sense that perhaps life was not so bad after all.

In my review of the literature, I have found some of the causes of the deeper feelings of hopelessness. The links between suicidal behavior and other factors such as childhood sexual abuse, depression, and substance abuse will be clearly defined in future blogs. For the time being, I think it is safe to say that BPD has several causal or at least correlational factors that may lead to suicidal behavior. We need to take steps that might help these people go through their life and death struggles.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals with BPD:

  1. We never give up. When life gets too hard to bear, we seek help.
  2. While we are still functioning, we find a kindred spirit, preferably someone who has been there, or we make a pact with a fellow sufferer that we will not go ahead with the final solution until we have sat down and talked and cried together one last time. Just expressing the negative feelings is the first step to accepting them as part of our lives that are painful but not necessarily hopeless.
  3. If there is no light at the end of the tunnel, we create one, be it ever so small, such as we wait for some event in the future that we can look forward to such as a graduation or our grandson’s birthday, something that we can celebrate.
  4. We begin to rebuild our belief system by finding and focusing on some positives in our life such as, perhaps, our creative abilities. I knew I was a good writer, and writing poetry was a way for me to survive the night and wake up the next day and start over again.
  5. We recognize that we have a higher self that is powerful and beautiful. And when life is just too difficult, we spend a few moments seeking out the person within, and we cry together.

 

[1] Black, Donald W.; Blum, Nancee; Pfohl, Bruce; and Hale, Nancy. Suicidal Behavior in Borderline Personality Disorder: Prevalence, Risk Factors, Prediction, and Prevention.  Journal of Personality Disorders > Vol. 18, Issue 3. 2018.

 

Mindfulness and Bisexuality

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SHIRT & TIE w.out white background (final)By definition, mindfulness is a meditation technique that involves present-centered awareness without judgment. Mindfulness practices are based on Buddhist meditation techniques that target both thoughts and behaviors. The goal is to change the context of our thoughts. Through mindfulness; we observe what we are observing. If our thoughts are maladaptive, we acknowledge them but change our relationship to them. We do not permit them to lead to negative emotions.

During meditation, or perhaps more accurately, contemplation, we let our mind experience disturbing thoughts and feelings without reacting to them. One important technique is called decentering. We simply enter into a state of meditation. We shut down our mind and focus on our breathing until we enter into a state of relaxation.  Our blood pressure will decrease, our heart rate will slow down, and our brain will gradually cease creating thoughts and emotions. We open our mind to experience the sensations that are happening in the now. Inevitably our mind, without our checks and balance, will begin to bring thoughts based on past failures and other negative emotional experiences. We simply notice, label, and relate to them as just passing events rather than letting them regress to negative emotions about ourselves. By increasing our mindful awareness of our thoughts, impulses, cravings, and emotions, we are less likely to act on them or be ruled by them.

Mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) has become an actual therapy practiced by present day psychologists. Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) was developed to treat major depressive disorder. Mindfulness training also includes therapies designed to treat substance use disorder and borderline personality disorder. One large, carefully controlled study found that MBCT was as effective as antidepressant medications in preventing relapse after an acute episode of major depressive disorder (Bieling & others, 2012; Segal & others, 2010). However, the actual practice is so simple that it can be practiced by anyone without professional help.

So how does this relate to bisexuality? I can only relate to my own personal experiences. After hiding my gay impulses from my wife and children for thirty-three years, I inevitably crashed and slipped into chronic depression. I sold or gave whatever was left after the divorce, took an early retirement, and fled to a mountain village in Costa Rica. I started to practice meditation each morning as I gazed on the warm forest and cities below. Inevitably all the blame, guilt and self-loathing would barge in on my meditation. With all these negative thoughts and emotion insisting on occupying my mind, I simply could not meditate. It was then that I decided to face my thoughts and feelings honestly and openly. I let them enter my mind, acknowledged them, wrapped them into a gift of love and sent them to the people they involved. I replaced self-loathing with love for them and eventually with love for myself. I realized that I had done the best I could under the circumstances to hold everything together until my last child and completed college. I was then able to move on, come out of my depression, drop all medication, and heal the personality disorder that I had developed by trying to live a double life. I realized that my trials had made me a beautiful person, thanked the universe for my gay impulses, and accepted my bisexuality as a gift and not a curse.

My five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. Practice mindful meditation. It may be difficult at first but push through until you are comfortable living in the moment without anxiety.
  2. Once in a state on mindful meditation, allow your mind to bring whatever thoughts it wishes into the present where you sit relaxed and in control.
  3. Accept the thoughts and feelings that go with them but do not accept the negative emotions; in fact, convert them to positive ones. Thank your mind for presenting its thoughts and then release them. I like to visualize them wrapped like a gift and sent back to the ones I love, thanking them for the wonderful moments we had shared.
  4. Keep practicing this mindful meditation until these thoughts eventually cease to return.
  5. Give yourself a great big soul hug. You are a champ, a conqueror of the most powerful enemy you will ever face – yourself.

 

 

  1. Siegel,Daniel,J. Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation: Daniel J … 2010.

 

Bi-gender and Transsexual Procedures

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)In a recent article in Newsweek[1], Borreli noted that sex change increased by 20 percent from 2015 to 2016 in the U.S., with more than 3,000 operations performed in 2017. She also reported that some male to female transsexuals felt they would never be liked or accepted as real women. Borreli also reported that there is a lack of pre and post counselling, and that a significant number of male to female trans wanted to reverse the procedure.

A group of researchers in Sweden[2]discovered that the mental health of transsexuals after surgery was not what we would expect it to be. In a follow-up survey of 324 sex-reassigned persons (191 male-to-females, 133 female-to-males), they discovered that the overall mortality, particularly death from suicide, for sex-reassigned persons was higher during follow-up than for controls of the same birth sex. Sex-reassigned persons also had an increased risk for suicide attempts and psychiatric treatment. They concluded that physically changing the birth sex may not be sufficient for treating transsexualism, and advocated for improved psychiatric care after sex reassignment.

With the increased frequency of sexual reassignment and the data on mental wellbeing after transition, one must take a long serious look at this life-changing procedure. Many of the people involved in sex reassignment have been previously married and in a heterosexual relationship. In my mind this makes them bisexual, or to put it more accurately, bi-gender. Many do not make the transition for sexual reasons with little or no desire to experience sex in their new sexually reversed bodies. Most of the issues are gender related not sexual. As we have seen, gender feelings come from a genetic predisposition and then shaped and molded by life and cultural experiences. Perhaps it is enough to be like the hijra and just take on the clothing and gender roles without the sex change.

More and more of the sexually reassigned are young people, many of them in their teens. This may not be a good time for a sex change. Sexuality seems to be quite fluid at this age with many, especially women, experimenting with bisexuality. They may need to resolve these feelings and explore their gay or lesbian nature before deciding on a sex change. They may also want to experiment with gender role change before starting hormone treatments.

Sexual reassignment begins with hormone treatment. One person Borreli interviewed felt it was the hormones that made him act impulsively and go for the surgery that he later regretted. Hormone treatments affect the whole body not just the genitals. They also serve as neuromodulators thus affecting the neural circuits of the brain causing a major shift in mental functioning. These dramatic physical and mental changes may lead to massive confusion in the creation and changing of neural pathways. This may lead to depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

 

My five applications for bisexuals:

  1. Look for clarity in our sexuality. We can define ourselves sexually as heterosexual, bisexual, gay or lesbian. We can then seek sexual gratification based on this knowledge.
  2. Look for clarification in our gender roles. Are we masculine, or feminine, or are we bigender with fluid flow from male to female feelings of orientation? If we feel we are a man in a woman’s body, or a woman in a man’s body, or if we alternate from one gender role to another, we can explore and enjoy same sex and opposite sex relationships by changing our gender roles without hormones or sexual reassignment.
  3. If we truly want and need to experience sex, not as gay or lesbian, but truly as our transgender nature, than proceed with the sex change.
  4. If we are in a love relationship or we want to experience a love relationship according to our transgender nature, then have a sex change.
  5. Give it time. Be absolutely sure that this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Seek pre and post transition counselling. Make sure you have a professional and personal support system in place before starting the hormone transition.

 

[1] Borreli,Lizette. Transgender Surgery: Regret Rates Highest in Male to Female Reassignment  Operations. Newsweek. April, 2018.

[2] Dhejne, Cecilia; Boman,Marcus; Joohansson,Anna l.; Langston,Niklas; and Landen, Mikael. Long-Term Follow-Up of Transsexual Persons Undergoing Sex Reassignment Surgery: Cohort Study in Sweden. Plos. February 22, 2011.

 

Bisexuality and the Variables

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)In an on-line survey involving 243 college students at Northeastern University[1], researchers assessed variables including same- and other-sex attractions, fantasies, and behaviors; and history and sexual attitudes. Bisexual (nonexclusive) women were more liberal in their political and sexual attitudes and had greater sexual experience then their straight peers, whereas bisexual (nonexclusive) men were virtually indistinguishable from other straight men.

So what does this mean? Again, women seem to be leading the way in accepting and acting upon their bisexual preferences. They seem to enjoy their dual sexuality more and are not afraid to let their preferences and opinions be known in public.  This suggests one of two things or perhaps both. On one hand, they seem to be able to put aside personal feelings of shame and uncertainty and just flow with their own desires and inclinations. The second factor is that same sex behavior among women is much more accepted by the general public. Lesbian and bisexual romance among women is considered erotic, whereas, the same behavior among men is often labelled as disgusting.

As bisexual men, we face a more difficult road when we choose to come out and admit our same sex attractions.  It is much easier for gay men who are certain of their orientation and are eventually willing to step out, take their place in society, and declare their orientation to the world by flirting in public or joining political organizations.  Our sexual excursions are usually carried out in private where we are less likely to be observed by our male peers.  We will go to places frequented by our gay friends and acquaintances, but usually we do so with a feeling that we do not belong, and we seldom carry those friendships out into the broader public. We seem to find it more difficult than bisexual women to walk away from relationships. Once they decide they seem to be able to make a clean break while we struggle to hang on. Political will and advocacy is almost non-existent among bisexual males.  We have no need for special recognition of our rights and freedoms because we can hide, if we so choose, with the rest of the general public.

Here are my five applications for bisexuals:

  1. We can accept who we are and let it be known on a need to know basis with those we care about. This is really a shame issue because we feel we are not attuning to perceived parental and society norms. If the truth is known, they do not care as much as we think they do, and if they care about us, they will accept us just the way we are.
  2. We can begin to feel proud of our orientation – and it is an orientation in spite of what others may believe. We are not heterosexual and we are not gay or lesbian. We are bisexual. Let’s not feel queasy about it and call in “nonexclusive” or “queer” or anything else. There is nothing wrong with the term bisexual; it is a perfect description of who we are. Let’s not forget that sex has two meanings; yes, we enjoy having sex with men or women, but we also have the biological (brain patterns) and psychological qualities of both genders. That makes us special with an amazing range of feelings and thinking patterns.
  3. We can go public. That means pursuing sexual encounters in public. We do not have to meet in bath houses and public parks after dark. We can be like our open female bisexuals who are not afraid to be seen in public with same sex friends and lovers.
  4. We can choose to pursue relationships with men or women and eventually choose to settle down with one or the other. We can be monogamous. If the relationship fails we can eventually choose to be monogamous again with someone of the other sex than our last partner. This does not mean that we switch from heterosexual to gay or gay to heterosexual. We are just following our freedom to be one or the other and to switch back and forth without having to explain what our new orientation is. We are bisexual.
  5. We have to let our lovers know who we are and let them decide if they want to risk a permanent relationship with us. Whether or not we remain in a lasting relationship has nothing to do with our orientation. We are like everybody else. The relationship may last, or not, and if it does not, we are free to seek a new relationship, or not. We may choose to have an open relationship but it is not a necessity. We are quite capable of maintaining a permanent relationship like everyone else. If it is an open relationship this is not a SPECIAL CONSIDERATION BECAUSE WE ARE UNCONTROLLABLY BISEXUAL, it should be open to both parties.

 

 

Bisexuality and Loneliness

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bisexual_216pxFinally some scientific evidence to support what I have known since my first teenage orgasm. My bisexual life was one of a deep sense of aloneness. There was no one I dared talk to, no one who would truly understand my deepest thoughts and feelings. I was very popular on the outside, but no one knew how lonely I was on the inside.

A recent study by Mereish etal. (2017)[1], indicates that loneliness is a contributing factor in a bisexual individual’s poor mental health leading to a possible greater risk of suicide. As expected, this study confirmed previous research that bisexuals were more likely to experience prejudice from heterosexuals and other members of the LGBQT communities. This can lead to feelings of isolation that contribute to loneliness.

Of special interest, however, are the findings that bisexuals with internal stressors, such as desires for heterosexuality and orientation concealment, were also more likely to report loneliness. The amount of spare time to ruminate and possibly engage in self-loathing mental gymnastics was also a factor. Being a student or unemployed or part–time employed contributed to a feeling of loneliness. Individuals who were single were also more likely to conceal their orientation which is another contributing factor to loneliness. And the catch twenty-two, bisexuals with post graduate degrees were less likely to conceal. and therefore more likely to come out, and therefore more likely to experience prejudice and subsequent professional isolation and loneliness.  There is no correlation between the internal and external stressors; in other words experiencing prejudice is not necessarily related to internal struggles for bisexuals (although such is not the case for other members of the LGBQT community). We can experience both but one does not necessarily lead to the other; yet, both can lead to a feeling of loneliness and therefore mental anxiety and suicide.

Feelings of experiencing external and internal prejudice and loneliness are compounded by the lack of resources that are designed for bisexual individuals. Our needs are often overlooked, possibly because of external factors like prejudice, but more likely due to the fact that we do not express our needs and are often unwilling to have our needs made public.  We are reluctant to join support groups or enter mentorship programs because of our needs for privacy. What is needed is an on-line program that protects anonymity while being able to share and experience connection with another individual or group of individuals. We need to be heard and understood before we will begin to listen to and understand ourselves.

(Please note: my on-line program will be up and running in a few months so stay tuned.)

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. If we are experiencing internal stressors and cannot seem to escape them – we should get help. I strongly suggest you try my on-line program that will be up in a few months. It is designed to build up our self-image and self-concept as bisexuals. It centers on the belief that we have a higher self with an unlimited source of power to live amazing and satisfying life. It focuses not on our problems but on our resources in the form of twenty virtues that we can develop to bring unending joy into our lives.
  2. It would appear that internal stressors may be equal to or an even greater source of anxiety and depression than experiencing prejudice. It would appear that it is worth the possible sorrows that may come from coming out rather than suffering through the loneliness of concealment. We should consider accepting, acknowledging, and telling significant others about our orientation and believing in them and our relationship. It may take time but we will be better off in the long run.
  3. If we have not done so already, we can admit to ourselves that we are bisexual with desires for sexual relationships with both women and men. We are not heterosexual but we can engage in heterosexual relationships. Likewise, we are not lesbian or gay but we can also engage in lesbian or gay relationships. We have a choice. If we are single we can indulge but we should be seeking love as well as sex.
  4. If we are in a relationship, and we are struggling with desires and occasional encounters, this concealment can be a major source of mental anxiety and can lead to a complete collapse. If we share our desires, hopes and failures with our partner, we can convey to them that we love them and are sharing this information in the hope that we can have a more honest and satisfying relationship. If they choose to leave, we have to be prepared to let them go.
  5. Above all else, we have to be true to ourselves. Once we learn to love and care for ourselves, we can begin to enjoy ourselves regardless of prejudice and what others think of us. We are worth it.

[1] Mereish, E., Kzrz-Wise,S, and Woulf3,J..Bisexual-Specific Stressors, Psychological Distress, and Suicidality in Bisexual Individuals: the Mediating Role of Loneliness. Crossmark. 2017.

( https://link.springer.com/epdf/10.1007/s11121-017-0804-2?author_access_token=HmXzCxYOGPXlpyLFkEh2Sfe4RwlQNchNByi7wbcMAY69fGsGy82K2FqKswjcCp_4lquu_M_wYRCb68kZNDamLFIvZBapABKj2WauzK0QwYj51DicENdDF4V1osJGNKNJ7f4EV4qD7AeKrzNK6d3Ww==).

Bisexuality – and the Virtue of Acceptance

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“We all learn lessons in life. Some stick, some don’t. I have always learned more from rejection and failure than from acceptance and success” [1]. As this quote from Henry Rollins suggests, the key to living a virtuous and happy life is to accept ourselves, unconditionally, with the ugliness of all the old scars and festering mental boils. And the best way to accept ourselves is to acknowledge and celebrate those scars and boils as trophies derived from conquering the monumental challenges we have had to face as bisexuals.

The virtue of acceptance begins with recognizing the self, or the mind or ego, as part of our divine soul that links the spiritual with the realities of this life. The role of the ego is to make sense of the past, to neutralize all the threats and negative feelings, so that we can accept the present and look forward to the future with pride and confidence. If you are feeling depressed or hopeless, or perhaps just have an empty feeling, or a belief that you are just floating through life with no meaning or purpose, do not despair; you are not alone. That is just our spirit working together with our minds or egos to urge us on to being more than just a victim of our circumstances.

Part of our growth is evaluating what we did yesterday. Sometimes, for whatever reason, we have not been able to understand and resolve some events and feelings. They may be traumatic like abuse, or rejection from a loved one, or they may just be a collection of events that build up to a feeling that the situation is hopeless. The mind or ego, by its very nature, has to take a second look at those times when we landed flat on our back with powerful negative feelings, feelings that it has never been able to resolve. It will keep visiting those events until it feels it is safe to move on. Sometimes those feelings or events are beyond the power of the mind to resolve. That gives us a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. These feeling challenge our belief in ourselves, making us feel like failures. We begin to blame ourselves for these failures which often leads to feelings of despair and self-loathing.  However we are not yet out of resources.  We can now tune into the Higher Self and the infinite power and positive energies of our spirits.

The key is to accept that our souls are made up of mind from the lower self and spirit from the higher self, and that all the struggles are in the mind. We then recognize and accept our spirit or Higher Self as a source of infinite power and wisdom. We then let the Higher Self flood our ego with self-love. We woo and seduce our ego. We tell it that we appreciate all it has tried to do. We encourage it to believe that it has done the best it could under the circumstances; in fact, it has done a great job given the scope of the situation. But we do not just stop at self-acceptance, we go beyond that to a celebration of self-appreciation and self-love.  This rewires the negative from the pain body of the ego into positive powers of love from the spirit and changes the circuitry of the brain. It allows the mind to use the new circuits to get off the old negative spinning wheel and create a new set of positive circuits. It can now prune those old axons and dendrites and forge new axons to new positive feelings and beliefs. In the process of acceptance we open up a new world where old thoughts and feeling begin to make sense thereby increasing our understanding and appreciation of life. We are now ready to move on to the next stage of our lives with increased understanding and power.

Now how does this apply to bisexuality? Here are my five steps to living a victorious bisexual life through the virtue of acceptance:

  1. We recognize and accept our bisexual orientation without judgement. We are what we are. Through a combination of genetic predispositions and natal and early life experiences, we now have a body and brain that desires sexual connection with both males and females.  Without engaging in judgement and old thinking patterns we simply accept the fact that our body has these longings and desires. We thank our body for all the pleasures it provides including our ability to enjoy sensuous experiences more intensely from both sides of life.
  2. We recognize and accept the struggles of our egos to balance our bisexual desires with the longing for acceptance and approval from others. We realize the depths of these conflicts but we also recognize the need to be true to ourselves and the desires of our bodies and souls. We accept that the feelings of rejection and confusion are natural under the circumstances. We then make a conscious ego-based decision to move on.
  3. We also recognize and accept that we are more than just a combination of body and mind. We reach out to the higher self and invite it into our minds and bodies. We realize that the spirit accepts our bisexuality.  It has no desire to judge, condemn or change us. It just wants to use this part of us to reach a deeper understanding life and to forge new or deeper connections with others. We then silently, and without thought, entrust the spirit to do its work. It will flood our souls with love and self-acceptance. We stay there grounded in this new reality until the spirit begins the process of forging a new beginning through the rewiring and changing of the mind. We will experience this as a feeling of contentment and divine acceptance and peace.
  4.  We make plans to daily check if we are still experiencing contentment and peace and then invite the spirit to infuse the soul with the power of self-love. However, we recognize and accept that the bisexual struggle is not yet over and will never be completely resolved in the mind. Those old components of the circuits made up of wounds, feelings, and memories will always be a part of us. The triggers from our environment will always have the power to reconnect all these old circuits of pain. When flashbacks occur we consciously understand and accept that the ego is perceiving a threat from something that is happening in the present. We thank the ego for its diligence and willingness in bringing it to our conscious mind which is under the influence of the spirit. We then resolve the issue from a spiritual perspective of wisdom and power and consciously invite the spirit to bathe the situation with self-love and love for others and move us on.
  5. We recognize and accept that life is a journey towards spiritual Self Actualization and that our bisexuality is not a hindrance but an advantage in understanding the complexities of life. We then bring this gift to others.

[1] Rollins, Henry: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/henryrolli616896.html