Due to the dearth of quality bisexual scientific studies, we need to go beyond gender and look at human sexuality in general terms and apply it to the bisexual situation. In an interesting study, Denes[1] came up with several insightful conclusions about Oxytocin and the role of communication in relationship building. Her study was based on the theory that disclosure (heart talk) helps to develop and maintain relationships [2].  She theorized that Oxytocin bonding that occurs during and after orgasm enhanses the quality and intensity of post-orgasmic communication more than just the chemical body responses.

The study included 200 college students, with 77% female, 24% male. The participants ranged in age from 18 to 26 years old, with an average age of 19.6 years old. Ninety-six percent of the sample self-identified as straight, 5 participants identified as bisexual, 1 participant identified as gay, and 1 participant identified as pansexual. Sixty-nine percent of the sample identified as ‘‘in a relationship,’’ with an average relationship length of 13.9 months. Participants were asked to complete a survey within 2 hours of sexual activity. Denes concluded that men and women who experienced orgasm disclosed significantly more during pillow talk.  Secondly, she found that women who experience orgasm disclosed significantly more than both men who orgasmed and women who did not reach orgasm.  Such benefits, however, were limited to individuals in more committed relationships.   Denes also concluded that individuals who engage in more positive relational disclosures after sexual activity with their partners report more trust, relationship satisfaction, and closeness.

Let’s look deeper into her study to see the subtle connections and implications. Denes found that disclosing positive feelings for one’s partner after sexual activity is positively associated with trust, relationship satisfaction, and closeness. In the context of pillow talk, this suggests positivism, openness, and assurances increase after sexual activity (which releases oxytocin) resulting in partners experiencing positive relational outcomes. Such communication involves the disclosure of positive aspects of the relationship such as declarations of love, affection, and intimacy. We are now in the area of intimacy rather than passion and sexual desire.  In other words, pillow talk after sex can enhance intimacy and bonding which are good definitions of “being in love which is what we all need and desire.

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of the study is the differences between men and women. From other research, we find that the effects of oxytocin are known to be more pronounced in women than in men, as men’s testosterone diminishes the effects of oxytocin while women’s estrogen increases its effects[9].   In addition to viewing and experiencing sexual activity differently, women have been found to connect sex with love and are more committed to their relationships[8]. They have generally been found to disclose more than men when discussing relationships, emotions, and intimacy. This may be due to the Oxytocin effect in women which seems to have a variety of emotional effects that are associated with relationships, such as decreasing stress, decreasing perceptions of social threat, increasing bonding, and increasing the ability to read emotional cues[5].

On the other hand, research suggests that men can engage in sexual activity even when feelings of love may not exist for their partner and are more permissive in their sexual attitudes than women[7]. In addition, men are particularly vulnerable to the anxiety caused by their inability to talk out their stress. Much of this work from the Fever Model[6] explores how anxiety is produced when individuals keep important information inside. This anxiety builds, eventually leading to possible negative disclosure. Research suggests that the link between disclosure and liking is voided when disclosures are too intimate for one of the partners, or they violate the boundaries of tolerance for affection [10].  Men appear to be particularly vulnerable in this area.  According to other studies, men and women in less committed relationships may encounter more risk in pillow talk and may push individuals with less solidified relationships apart. It may be that when one individual reveals his or her feelings while his or her partner does not, it may create more stress and resulting in an imbalance in the relationship.

So what does this mean for the bisexual man in a gay relationship?  Lots. These studies place gay couples at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to relationship building.  Because they are more tuned to the sexual act itself, and tend to lose ‘the glow’ more rapidly; there is a tendency to forego the Oxytocin enhanced post-orgasmic pillow talk which deprives them of the opportunity to build deeper levels of communication, trust and intimacy. There are several implications to this research.  Gay couples must work harder at making pillow talk happen.  They have to set aside time after sex to let the Oxytocin glow linger and do the things that heterosexual couples do; namely, talk, cuddle, stroke and look into each other eyes, Since they are not naturally biologically equipped to do so they both have to cultivate the ‘feminine side’ of the sexuality to make this happen.

Now let’s take a look at the bisexual man in a heterosexual relationship.  There is a definite advantage if he can allow his mate to lead and guide him into relationship building pillow talk which she seems to be chemically and physically equipped to do.  But first he must overcome his fears. Verbal disclosures may be a source of regret if the communication is too intimate for his level of commitment, particularly if he is still involved in his double life or he has not dealt with the psychological issues related to his bisexuality.  If his boundary tolerance levels are violated this may result in aversive reactions[11].  Individuals who are in a trusting, open monogamous relationship will likely experience less regret because their partners are already committed to them. Additionally, in a committed relationship, partners may be disclosing such feelings on a regular basis, and thus pillow talk would be relationship-appropriate and less likely to scare away the partner.  So what does this mean?  Bisexual men may have difficulty with intimacy and developing a wholesome relationship unless they are committed to being totally open and honest with their female partners, otherwise the intimacy of pillow talk with divide rather than unite. However, careful and complete disclosure can lead to openness and all the benefits of being in love that can come from pillow talk.

In conclusion, if you are in a gay relationship, make sure that you engage in pillow talk after sex.  This will lead to deeper bonding, a more satisfying loving relationship, and the kind of love that you are seeking.  If you are in a heterosexual relationship you have to be open and honest.  This means cleaning the slate with full disclosure and trusting your partner to support and understand you.  Let your partner guide and teach you through the intimacy that comes from pillow talk after orgasm.  At this point her love for you is wrapped up in a warm glow and she can lead you compassionately to a deeper relationship and a better understanding and acceptance of your “Self.”

[1] Denes, 2012.

[2] Altman & Taylor.

[3] Veenestra, 2007

[4] Veenestra, 2007, p. 39

[5] Guastella et al, 2005; Lim & Young, 2006

[6] Stiles, 1987

[7] Hendrick & Hendrick, 1995; Roche, 1986

[8] (Hendrick & Hendrick, 1995; Roche, 1986)

[9] (Taylor et al., 2002).

[10] (Bochner, 1982; Collins & Miller, 1994).

[11] (Floyd et al., 2008)

References

Altman, I., & Taylor, D. (1973). Social penetration: The development of interpersonal relationships. New York, NY: Holt, Rinehart and Winston.

Bochner, A. P. (1982). On the efficacy of openness in close relationships. In M. Burgoon (Ed.), Communication yearbook 5 (pp. 109–124). New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Books. Brody, S. (2003). Alexithymia is inversely associated with women’s frequency of vaginal intercourse. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 32, 73–77. doi: 10.1023=A:1021897530286

Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116, 457–475. doi: 10.1037==0033-2909.116.3.457 C

Denes, Amanda  2012. Pillow Talk: Exploring Disclosures After Sexual Activity. Western Journal of Communication; Vol. 76, No. 2.

Floyd, K., Judd, J., & Hesse, C. (2008). Affection exchange theory: A bio-evolutionary look at affectionate communication. In L. A. Baxter & B. M. Montgomery (Eds.), Engaging theories in interpersonal communication (pp. 285–294). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Guastella, A. J., Mitchel, P. B., & Dadds, M. R. (2008). Oxytocin increases gaze to the eye region of human faces. Biological Psychiatry, 63, 3–5. doi: 10.1016=j.biopsych.2007.06.026

Hendrick, S. S., & Hendrick, C. (1995). Gender differences and similarities in sex and love. Personal Relationships, 2, 55–65. doi: 10.1111=j.1475-6811.1995.tb00077

Kosfeld, M., Heinrichs, M., Zak, P. J., Fischbacher, U., & Fehrl, E. (2005). Oxytocin increases trust in humans. Nature, 435, 673–676. doi: 10.1038=nature03701

Lim, M. M., & Young, L. J. (2006). Neuropeptidergic regulation of affiliative behavior and social bonding in animals. Hormones and Behavior, 50, 506–517. doi: 10.1016=j.yhbeh.2006. 06.028

Stiles, W. B. (1987). ‘‘I have to talk to somebody’’: A fever model of disclosure. In V. J.

Veenestra, M. (2007). Afterglow. In F. Malti-Douglas (Ed.), Encyclopedia of sex and gender (Vol. 1, pp. 39–40). Detroit, MI: Macmillan Reference.

Passion

Bisexuality is about passion that is fueled by sexuality but flows into the spiritual.  If your relationship is just based on sex its roots are so shallow that it will wilt and die with the first sign of adversity.

When a man’s passion is truly focused on his beloved instead of his own self-gratification, he leaves behind the fields of infatuation and enters into the gardens of passion. A man’s passion for his lover transcends beyond the drive to know his lover and enters into the desires “to be” with him/her. As they dig deeper and deeper into each other’s soul, they eventually come to the heart of the inner soul, the place where passion evolves and where all sensations become more wild and free. They begin to experience those treasured moments where their spirit-filled hearts glow and resonate together while their bodies celebrate the beauty and power of sexuality. A bisexual man can offer a deeper, more compassionate form of love based on emotional richness and gentleness of spirit.

To understand the meaning of passion, I took a mental journey back through the stages of my relationship with my Beloved. During our courtship, I experienced the wonderful stage of physical attraction, the desire to smell, taste, see, hear, and feel all that she had to offer. The touch of hands and tongues was so erotic and sensuous that it sent urgent desire into all the cells of my body. It made me feel truly and completely alive.

The Scent of the Rose

You are the scent of the rose, the musk of the lioness in heat,

The delicacies of love mixed with the pure power of drive and death.

You urge me on to fulfill the instinctual lusts and needs of my body;

Your fresh fragrance lures my soul to the sweet smell of your breath.

You are the beauty of the butterfly as it hovers, dances and flits,

 Calling its lover to come to the sweet fragrant flowers of life.

Your face, your body, fulfill all of my body and soul longings,

Peeling off pain and fear with the sweet soft touch of your knife.

The sound of your voice is the sound of the songbird on the wind,

Calling its mate to join the sensuous dance of the first song of spring.

Your moans and sighs urge me on to taking more and more of you,

Into the sound of the song that only lovers know how to sing.

You are the sweet taste of the nectar of the sun ripened peach;

Your juices mix with mine and flow from my tongue to my chin.

The flavour of your lips plunges my tongue into the spices of fire;

The hot taste of the chase mocks my mind’s foolish burden of sin.

Your breasts rise to my lips, your hips bend to my tender touch.

Your soft hands excite the sensuous pleasures of my frolicking flesh;

Your thighs embrace my hips; your womb welcomes my passion,

Making my skin stir and leap to your hand’s soft, sweet caress.

You are the sweet sensation of spring rain on dry thirsty land;

You are the rich deep soil that lovingly yields to the persistent plough.

Every nerve tingles with the promise of the newness of life,

Making my body long for completion in the all-consuming now.

 Beyond Gender – Thought for the Day

Bisexuality is not about sex, it’s about how to live a full and complete life. It is about unconditional love for self and for others. Through the power of unconditional love, I was able to heal one more component of my personality disorder; my passion returned. Looking back, I can see how the wonderful magic of passion brought my Beloved and I together and keeps us together. We responded passionately to each other, moving away from the ego and mental turmoil of the mind and immersing ourselves in the beauty of the drive. We fed off of each other, moving deeper and deeper into the heart of our inner souls where passion blossomed into a powerful expression of the core of our beings. This passion has become the sustenance that daily feeds our relationship. It makes everything real.

Moments of Passion

From touch to touch, kiss to kiss, caress to caress,

Desire builds into an internal explosion of mind and body.

The little death comes and goes;

The house of cards collapses;

Neither here nor there,

Part of a moment,

Real but neutral,

Neither good nor bad,

Any meaning molded by the intentions of the lovers,

Just a glimpse of ecstasy.

The pieces are blown away by the wind,

True passion, merely a shift in perception,

Is born in a moment of consciousness,

A feeling that penetrates the heart

From behind the walls of the mind,

Until it blossoms, releasing its sweet fragrance,

That draws the soul from the restless and the chaotic

Into the beauty and urgency of the drive,

Expanding, ever expanding,

Flowing gracefully onto the Path to Love,

Expanding, ever expanding,

Until it is immersed in the glow of bliss,

Where I sense the breath of my Beloved’s spirit,

And feel the passion flowing from her beating heart.

The next step in honesty is with others.  For gay men, this means coming out to family and friends, but for bisexual men it becomes much more complex.  It means coming out to our wives or female partners and  that means possibly coming out to the  children.  We have to do this for ourselves as much as for them. Living a double life will destroy us unless we are very cold and callous. We owe it to ourselves as conscious people to free ourselves from the trauma associated with the guilt. In addition, bisexual men must be honest with their partners.  We owe it to them.  They have trusted us with their lives and their hearts. We must not be cowards and wait for them to find out.  We have to be men, be honest, and honor that trust.

How to live a bisexual life is an extremely difficult proposition for bisexual married men. In my opinion, there are essentially three ways to go. The healthiest course for most struggling, married, bisexual men is to consciously look at all the possibilities and consequences and decide what action will best satisfy their own wants and needs. This may sound selfish but being dishonest and living an unconscious destructive life is a sad alternative not only for yourself but for everyone connected to you.

The one most bisexual men choose is to continue to go on with the stress and guilt of gay encounters. He pursues this conflicting dual lifestyle until he is caught and the spouse makes the decision for him. Most of the time this leads to immediate rejection, abandonment, and divorce. On occasion, the wife’s desire to maintain the relationship leads to counselling and an ultimatum whereby he agrees to stop having gay encounters. In this case, he usually falls back on his gay pursuits and is eventually right back to where he started.

The second course is to accept the gay half of his bisexual body and soul. He seeks relationships with other men until he finds a lover with whom he can form a marriage-like relationship. He confronts his spouse with the situation which often  seems to come from out of the blue for her, causing extreme anxiety and pain. The children usually take the side of the wounded mother and back-off or break their relationship with their father. The husband then seeks a divorce, shaking himself free of the heterosexual conflicts of his bisexuality. His new gay relationship often falters and fails and the bisexual man finds himself alone.  For some this is the best of both worlds. He can find sex when he needs it and otherwise adjusts to the  joys of living a single life. However, this tends to be a lonely and painful life for most bisexual men and they often seek a relationship with another woman and the problems start all over again.

For many bisexual men I believe it is best to try to stay with their wife and families in an honest and open relationship. Honor her by giving her the gift of truth and choice. Tell your spouse about your gay sexual desires.  Do not paint it over with how you will “be good” from now on. She has to understand that you will still have to deal with powerful gay desires and perhaps compulsive behaviors. Encourage her to ask all her questions and reply honestly and emotionally.  Be ready to tell her about your gay experiences. Be prepared to accept that she may want out of the relationship.

There is a possibility you can reach an agreement where your spouse can accept and accommodate your need for gay experiences. She has to understand that your sexual desires with men are no threat to the relationship. In other words, she has to see that she is not competing with another woman, but merely helping you live a life where your sexual desires are met in such a way that they do not take on the baggage of shame and guilt that can destroy your soul and the foundation of the relationship.This is an excellent option, but it is very difficult to find a woman who is willing and able to accommodate your gay desires.

The final option, and in my opinion, the one that most women will warm up to, is to express your desire to live a monogamous life.This is a very difficult route for most bisexual men but there is a possibility that you can do it with her help and support.  Tell her how you feel about her and why you want to continue your relationship.   She has to truly see the beautiful gifts of gentleness, compassion, and sensitivity that you can offer her and the children from your bisexual soul. She has to see that the father of her children genuinely cares for her and them. She has to see that she can still rely of you for support, warmth, and intimacy. There is a possibility that you can renew the passion of your relationship and that she may be able to meet all your sexual needs. If you are still battling compulsive gay desires she may be open to you using gay pornography and masturbation to deal with those compulsions.  Whatever the solution, work it out together and then be prepared to work on it, and all the emotions and feeling that go along with it, on a day to day basis.  This can not be an ultimatum; she has to accept the fact that you may falter or fail, so make sure you lay the groundwork so that you are free to confide in her and alter the program if you should falter but never use this as an backdoor to failure.  There can be no back door.  The children do not need to know about your conflicting sexuality, but if they figure it out by themselves be prepared to discuss it with them on a need-to-know basis.  In time, if you stay with it and work on it together, it will become easier and perhaps even warmer, richer and more self-fulfilling as the years go by.

Okay.  That’s enough about the science of bisexuality for now.  Back to reality.  As stated previously, the first step in living happily and consciously with bisexuality is honesty, with yourself first and then with others. The first step in honesty is accepting the fact that we are biologically gay.

Maybe if I had had a normal loving childhood, I would have been able to accept myself and my gay orientation. During university, I would have emerged out of my conflicts with a healthy orientation as a gay man. But I could not accept my gay orientation, and I plunged into an sexual identity disorder with a sexual addiction. Understanding and accepting the gay part of my bisexuality has been a long and painful journey. During my young adult years and during my marriage, I denied my gay orientation even though I was attracted to men. Now that I have matured as a spiritual being, I have come to terms with the gay part of my sexual orientation and I have accepted it as a gift that enriches the duality of  my soul.

To many bisexual men, exploring their gay side is like a teenage boy looking at dirty pictures in the privacy of his own room. They do not want anyone to know what they are doing in this ‘dirty’ side of their sexual lives.  They seek anonymity in parks and bathrooms.   These dirty pictures, this gay erotic expression of the body, has to be allowed to be expressed. Gay sex is very erotic; that is just the way it is. It is raw, sensuous and powerful. Bisexual men have to let their gay side out of its box so they can experience this power openly and honestly. They have to honour all the dirty little pictures.

Sexual identity is not about choosing between good and evil; it is about embracing life as it is, in the beauty of the moment, in the honesty of reality. Sexual orientation is a blessing, not a curse. It is simply a part of our biological and psychological make-up that allows us to experience the passionate side of life. Along with accepting our orientation, we are free to accept all the levels of pleasure that go with it openly and honestly.One has to accept and embrace the body’s sexual fantasies and desires. Each person is unique with their own set of experiences and genetic make-up and their own set of desires. There are no stereotypes, just sexual individuals trying to explore the pleasures of their sexual bodies. But conscious bisexual men should all have one thing in common; they should be free to  enjoy the feelings of being with a man in their gay sexual experiences, free of shame and self-condemnation.

Embracing gay sex with all its sensuous details is like the climax of a journey towards bisexual consciousness. This is where we leave our ego and mind behind and enter into a state of sexually altered consciousness, a state of mindfulness where the world disappears and we live only in the sexual pleasures of the moment. These moments of sexual consciousness should be an expression of pleasure and self-love, not a guilt-ridden sexual romp  in a remote bathroom..

Next week we will look at being honest with the heterosexual side of bisexuality.

I have been reminded by a friend not to blog data that is difficult to understand and that the role of a blogger is to take a few simple facts and be free to go wherever the imagination leads.  So what could the study (Thienel et al.) possibly mean.  Let’s explore.

The first fact is that heterosexual men do not need an oxytocin enhancement to approach smiling women and avoid angry women. The evidence – no increase in activity in the dopamine production and pleasure section of the brain. No surprise there because heterosexual men are always naturally charged to be attracted to and pursue women who show the slightest indication that they may be interested.  Moreover, they have learned to channel these urges through their social processing section of the brain and have learned instinctively to avoid angry women when under an oxytocin surge.  Smart.  This also implies that they already have an oxytocin-dopamine system in place geared strictly to smiling women.

Now let’s have a look at gay men.  Enhanced oxytocin increases their attraction to men whether they are smiling or not as evidenced again by increased activity in the dopamine-pleasure center of the brain.  On the surface this is as expected.  But the question is why do heterosexuals show no increased response to women and yet gay men do show increased response to men.  I would suggest that gay men have learned to view all men, whether they smile or not, as potential partners when under an oxytocin surge.  This implies they have already felt a positive vibe (increased oxytocin), in other words – contact – vibe – oxytocin enhancement – pursuit. In other words they rely on this vibe sensation because they know that the man will be naturally receptive unlike heterosexual men who must first use the executive processor to see if the woman will respond

The real surprise is in the increased attraction to smiling women.  This has several implications. The first is that gay men need oxytocin enhancement to be attracted to women.  This has implications for bisexual men.  This suggests that the 75% of the bisexuals who are gay orientated may need to experience an oxytocin surge before their sexual pursuit mechanism kicks in.  This means that they may have to engage in extensive foreplay with their heterosexual partner (much like a woman) before getting aroused.  This of course can be an advantage because the oxytocin surge can be channeled into oxytocin bonding rather than just pursuit. In bisexual couples, this potentially has some encouragement for the woman partner.  Her husband may not be showing the aggressiveness that she may be used to when dealing with men. This does not mean that he does not love her or desire her, it simply means that she may need to be understanding and patient and take ownership in pursuing him when she has sexual desires, much like a man pursues a woman,  Once his oxytocin levels kick in she will have all she can handle from her man.  This gives her an opportunity to develop her own masculine-like aggressive tendencies and enhance her own levels of sexual pleasure.  It also means she can control the situation more and bring her man along more slowly and more intensely thus increasing his bonding to her and the relationship.  This is a win-win situation. This is what both partners truly desire, extending the pleasure moment to its fullest before giving in to orgasm.  It also leads to more post-orgasm time and intense intimacy as they both experience the glow of the sexual sensations they have experienced.

In a randomized double-blind placebo-controlled trial on 18 adult male volunteers, as measured by positron emission tomography (PET),  subjects received a nasal oxytocin stimulus and then rated unfamiliar female faces as more attractive. (Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that is involved with social approach including perception of faces.)  Results showed an absence of oxytocin effects on dopamine release and receptors in brain reward centers; however there was increased activity of the right prefrontal and superior parietal gyrus.

So what does this mean?  First, let’s look at the prefrontal gyrus. It carries out the executive function of the brain which involves personality expression, decision making, moderating social behavior, and working toward defined goals.  In simple terms this study indicates that the approach mechanism for men is located in our neural constructs and schemas rather than as a biological function related to the drive and hormonal system. This is in sharp contrast to the animal kingdom where mating practices are instinctual and biologically driven.  Perhaps, in the evolutionary process, hormonal and pheromonal factors have become secondary, whereas the cognitive factors and the reinforcement processes (or reward systems) have become predominant.

In a follow-up study, 19 homosexual and 18 heterosexual men were again administered oxytocin and then rated trustworthiness, attractiveness and approachability for male and female faces. Heterosexual men showed a decrease in ratings of trustworthiness for angry female faces; however, homosexual men also showed increased ratings of attractiveness and approachability for male faces regardless of the facial expression, as well as ratings of approachability for happy female faces.  These results appear to indicate that gay men display higher sensitivity to oxytocin’s enhancing impact on social approach tendencies than heterosexual men, escepially when it comes to attraction to men. This suggests that heterosexual men seem to use the executive function of the brain whereas gay men rely more on the oxytocin-dopamine pleasure seeking drive system.  In lay man’s term, heterosexual men seem to use the executive function of the brain in their head whereas gay men use the brain in their penis when it comes to desires to approach potential male sexual partners.

There is one other subtlety that we can glean from this study. Gay men appear to approach female faces that appear to be welcoming rather that angry under oxytocin enhancement, which may suggest that this arousal may be for warmth and non-sexual connection with women, perhaps indicating a desire for a sharing of the feminine side of their soul.  This leads to an interesting possibility for bisexual men. As bisexual men we appear to have a hormonal drive base when it comes to relationships with men, but a hormonal drive plus executive function when it comes to women. This means that our relationships with women may be very complex with multiple drives for social connection combined with sexual attraction. In other words we seek intimacy rather that eroticism.

Thienel et al, Oxytocin’s impact on Social Face Processing is Stronger in Homosexual than Heterosexual men; 2013 (http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2013.09.013)

According to the study by Northwestern University that we looked at in a recent blog, three out of four bisexual men were primarily attracted to men when looking at sexually explicit material. So lets take a look at the three out of four when it applies to bisexuality.  The first conclusion is that these men are primarily gay and are sexually attracted to men; and yet, they choose to have relationships, usually primary relationships, with women.  The obvious question is ‘Why?’.  In attempting to answer that question, we come to the ‘heart’ of the matter for bisexuality.

In my opinion the major difference between bisexual and gay and straight men is in their souls. The soul is made of three components, ‘the gut’ which contains body-and genetic memories and drives, ‘the ego’ which contains the mind and sense of self-identity or self-concept, and ‘the heart’ which is our source of love, compassion and connection with others.  The bisexual soul appears to have an ego that may be viewed as a masculine side, a heart which can be viewed as a feminine side,and a gut which biologically leans to a feminine or masculine sexual preference.  The male side is one of striving for perfection and dominance and includes the desire to be respected, admired, and loved. This includes a drive to be seen as successful, powerful, and alpha-male-masculine.  The other side for both top and bottom bisexuals is typically feminine, which is sensitive and emotional with a desire to care for and nurture others. And. of course, there is the gut side with its rich source of passion and sexual expression.

When we look at the masculine side, bisexual men want it all.  They want the ego feeling of power and dominance. They want to feel attractive and in control.  They want to experience  a woman who submits to their advances and melts in their arms. But hey also want the heart sensations of exploring the sensitivity of their feminine side my sharing their souls with a woman; something that is very difficult in a sex-dominated relationship with a man.They want all the social blessing of being a man in society, the feeling of control and power from their masculine-ego side tempered with sensitivity and compassion from their feminine-heart side. They want to be a man is society, a husband in their marriage and a father in their family, but they also want love, pure, clean unconditional, intimate love, something they find very difficult to do in a man to man relationship.

Bisexuality is a unique way of seeing and feeling the realities of life. It is a gift that must be embraced. By embracing their masculine and feminine sides, and by setting free the sexual passion of their gut, bisexual men have an opportunity to understand life at a deeper level than heterosexuals will ever know. They can become spiritual giants through the magic of growing through opposites. By experiencing the pain of self-hate, rejection and abandonment, they can now use these experiences as a source of substantial growth and great joy. They may be able to perceive and understand things on multiple levels because they see complex situations from both sides. They can use these experiences to develop a tremendous drive to express powerful feelings and emotions. They can experience levels of compassion that can truly make a difference in the world around them.

The first step on the road to wellness is to admit that you are biologically gay.  A previous study on a previous blog (Bisexual men and Sexual Arousal) indicated that three out of four men who were designated as bisexual showed preferred attraction to men when viewing sexually explicit material.  This indicates that the brain is orientated to sexual attraction for men.  That means that most bisexual men are  primarily, biologically  gay.  Admit it and embrace it.  Sexual identity is not about choosing between good and evil, but it is about embracing life as it is, in the beauty of the moment, in the honesty of reality.

Sexual orientation is a blessing, not a curse. It is simply a part of our biological and psychological make-up that allows us to experience the passionate side of life. Along with accepting our orientation, we are free to accept all the levels of pleasure that go with it.To many bisexual men, exploring their gay side is like a teenage boy looking at dirty pictures in the privacy of his own room. These dirty pictures, this gay erotic expression of the body, have to be allowed to be expressed. Gay sex is very erotic; that is just the way it is. It is raw, sensuous and powerful. Bisexual men have to let their gay side out of its box so it can experience this power openly and honestly. They have to honour all the dirty little pictures.

Embracing gay sex with all its sensuous details is like the climax of a journey towards bisexual consciousness. This is where we leave our ego and mind behind and enter into a state of sexually altered consciousness, a state of mindfulness where the world disappears and we live only in the sexual pleasures of the moment. One has to accept and embrace the body’s sexual orientation. Each person is unique with their own set of experiences and genetic make-up. There are no stereotypes, just sexual individuals trying to explore the pleasures of their sexual bodies.

Whether it is in the masculine-top role or the feminine-bottom role, bisexuals do share the sexually feminine qualities of their gay souls. Most bisexual men refer to themselves as bottom or versatile; however, the majority of those who call themselves versatile appear to be seeking the feminine experience.  Bottom gay men perhaps experience the most conflict but they can also experience the deepest levels of sexual mindfulness. They must learn to relax and indulge the sensuous pleasures of their feminine side. There can be no urgency for ejaculation; in fact, there may be no need for ejaculation; in fact, there may be no erection. They must allow their male sexuality to fade away and let their feminine side take them into the beauty of the moment of shared body and soul orgasm. They have to let their feminine g-spot take them into that profound moment of ecstasy.

The next blog will look at the dangers of denial and repression. Please leave a comment.  I would like to know and possibly share your feelings on this issue.

What is it like to be a bisexual man and what is the relationship, if any, between bisexual orientation, social trauma and mental illness? It is not easy for bisexuals to deal with their gay side. A study by Susan Cochran, (November 2002 issue of The American Psychologist), indicated that gay men have significantly higher rates of major and recurrent depression, generalized anxiety, mood disorders and higher rates of suicidal thoughts. The occurrence of mental issues is even higher for bisexual men. In my experience, gay men, particularly feminine gay men, seem to experience greater levels of social anxiety, which coupled with their feminine enhanced psychological makeup, makes them particularly vulnerable to rejection during childhood, particularly by fathers and older brothers and by potential male friends at school and in the community. How does a five year old child deal with the rejection from a father or older brothers, or the children in his kindergarten class? How does a young man, struggling to arrive at a sense of self-identity, deal with rejection from women and peers? Most gay men that I have known come to terms with their sexuality sometime during their adult life but others, particularly bisexual gay men, continue to have anxieties that may last a lifetime.

How does a married man with children deal with compulsive drives that compel him to engage in behaviours that he knows will destroy his marriage? Bisexual men have to deal with the issues of their gay sexuality. Most bisexuals that I have interviewed do not allow themselves the privilege of open and carefree gay sex. They avoid gay relationships because intimate friendships may interfere with their heterosexual lives. They seek out places for anonymous encounters, such as parks and bathhouses, where they may engage in multiple sexual acts on any given night. They make anonymous contacts through gay dating services and pick-up gay bars. They do not care if these encounters result in intimacy or relationship. They just need gay sex as a release valve for their suppressed gay desires. Based on my observations, many bisexual men continue to lead this life until they reach a crisis point brought on by discovery of their lifestyle by their spouse, or by reaching a point where they crash and have to make the decision to accept their gay orientation and seek a relationship with another man.

In my experience, the bisexual person not only has to deal with typical gay issues, but he also has to face the mental issues brought on by repression and denial. In extreme cases, this repression can lead to a gender identity disorder which involves only a specific segment of the bisexual population. I believe the term ‘sexual identity disorder’ does not exist in isolation; it has to be included as part of a personality disorder where a person denies their own identity with their own wants and needs. The sexual orientation then becomes an impossible complication to their already fragile identity. My observations suggest that this person frequently has no self-identity or has two conflicting identities. He tends to use his gay orientation as a means of self-abuse, self-punishment and self-destruction. Because he cannot face his true sexual identity, his sexual drive may become a compulsion which is based on fear and the subconscious emotional pain from denial and repression. This may lead to an addiction where there is only one stimulus available that can break through the hopeless feelings of self-imposed withdrawal, and that is to seek out another gay sexual rush. This compulsion, if unchecked, will eventually lead to sexual addiction, with a cycle of stimulation, action and then withdrawal, which can eventually lead to a mental collapse and suicidal.

So how do bisexual men come to terms with this sexual and mental dilemma.  Stay tuned.  We will begin this discussion on the next blog.