Category: Beyond Gender

Borderline Personality Disorder, Childhood Sexual Abuse, and Suicidal Behavior Behavior

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the second in the series linking BPD with Suicidal Behavior)

The DSM 4 lists “recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior” under symptom 5 for Borderline Personality Disorder; however it is listed as a separate category under Axis 6 in the DSM 5. Granted, suicidal behavior does indeed merit a separate category; however, we should be aware that people with BPD are at higher risk for suicide attempts.

Research suggests that suicidal behavior is a consistent possible threat when combined with BPD, PTSD, Clinical Depression, and Bipolar Disorder; however, it would appear that people with BPD are at a greater risk. In a study by Yen et al[1] involving 621 patients with a variety of psychological disorders, they concluded that only BPD and Childhood sexual abuse predicted suicidal behavior. The risk of adult suicidal behavior in BPD was increased by antisocial traits, severity of BPD, hopelessness, or comorbid major depressive episode. Other studies indicate that there is a definite correlation between suicide attempts and some BPD personality traits such as poor or no sense of self, hopelessness, and impulsivity.

Today, we want to look at the other aspect of the Yen et al study, namely the relationship between BPD, childhood sexual abuse, and suicidal behavior. Even though Childhood sexual abuse is not listed as a symptom, it is definitely related to suicidal behavior when combined with other BPD symptoms. Soloff et al.[2] in a study of 61 criteria-defined BPD patients concluded that with the occurrence and severity of childhood sexual abuse, patients with BPD were over 10 times more likely to attempt suicide. The study accounted for other variables such as neglect and other types of childhood trauma. It was definitely sexual abuse that seemed to be the most important determining factor.

It would appear that the risk for suicidal behavior is somehow related to negative coping mechanisms involved in BPD and that these symptoms are common in people who have suffered from childhood sexual abuse. If childhood trauma is treated and handled wisely and compassionately, the child may be able to learn to deal with the trauma and live a healthy and successful life. However, if they also have, or develop, other BPD personality traits, it can lead to self-doubt, self-blame, self-loathing and hopelessness, all symptoms of BPD and potential precursors  to suicidal behavior.

Just about everyone I know with BPD has entertained thoughts of suicide sometimes in their lives. When we are looking at diagnoses of BPD, we cannot overlook the possibility of suicidal behavior.  However, if the BPD symptoms also include childhood sexual abuse,  extra precautions need to be put in place. We can explore these possibilities as we go through the process of mental and emotional healing.

My five suggestions for bisexuals with BPD:

  1. If we ourselves have been diagnosed with BPD, and we have experienced childhood sexual abuse, we must be honest with ourselves to see if we have latent suicidal thoughts that could come to the fore if our life circumstances deteriorate.
  2. We need to build a safety net that will serve as a buffer between suicidal thoughts and suicidal attempts. We can share these thoughts with friends and loved ones on a regular basis.
  3. If our friends or loved ones demonstrate  symptoms of BPD, they are at a very high risk for suicidal behavior. We need to support them in any way we can.
  4. We should explore their history with them in a caring and loving manner and make sure they are not entertaining suicidal thoughts. If they are, we can help them build a safety net of people they love and trust. We let these people know that our loved one is at risk and together we set up a support schedule and set of activities to help them get through the rough times.
  5. If our loved one has experienced sexual abuse  and is still exhibiting symptoms of BPD, they will probably need professional help to deal with the issues involved. We can get them to commit to seeking help and then arrange for professional intervention.
[1] Yen, Shirley; Shea, Tracy M.; Sanislow, Charles A.; Grilo, Carlos M.; Skodol, Andrew E.; Gunderson, John G.; McClashan, Thomas H.; Zenarini Mary C.; and Morey, Leslie C.. Borderline Personality Disorder Criteria Associated With Prospectively Observed Suicidal Behavior. The American Journal of Psychiatry. 2004.
[2] Soloff, Paul H.; Lynch, Kevin J.; and Kelly, Thomas M.. Childhood Abuse as a Risk Factor For Suicidal Behavior in Borderline Personality Disorder. Journal of Personality Disorders. June 2002 .
Read More: https://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/pedi.16.3.201.22542

 

 

Borderline Personality Disorder, Bisexuality, and Suicidal Behavior

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)In previous blogs, we have established the highly significant link between Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bisexuality. Due to the epidemic of suicidal behavior and related drug overdose, in the next five blogs, we will try to explore the links between BPD, suicidal behavior, and risk taking. Today we want to explore the association with BPD in general.

At first glance, there appears to be a conflict between the DSM 4 and the DSM 5 on the inclusion of Suicidal Behavior as a symptom for BPD. The DSM4 includes it as the fifth symptom, “recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.”  However, it only appears in the DSM5 under the broader title of Disinhibition – Topic B – Risk Taking – which includes “Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences, lack of concern for one’s limitations, and denial of the reality of personal danger.”

First, let’s be clear about the connection between suicidal behavior and BPD. Black et al (2018) [1] discovered that at least three-quarters of people diagnosed with BPD have attempted suicide, and approximately 10% have died tragically. These are truly significant figures. If we recall that patients have to have five significant traits for diagnosis, even if one of these was suicidal behavior, there is still enough evidence that BPD people are definitely at risk. Borderline sufferers (and believe me, we do suffer) at greatest risk include those with prior attempts, an accompanying major depressive disorder, or a substance use disorder. Each of these by themselves are a major concern for suicide, but taken together with BPD, they seem to create the perfect storm. Other BPD personality traits that are associated with Suicidal Behavior are hopelessness, impulsivity, and a turbulent early life. They further conclude that clinicians must avoid the mistake of thinking that a pattern of repeated attempts indicates attention seeking or a call for help. According to Black et.al, this behavior is a genuine attempt to end life.

I think to clearly understand the thoughts and emotions that lead to suicide, we have to take a closer look at the definition above that includes gestures, threats and self-mutilation. For today, let’s take a closer look at gestures and threats. From my personal experience, almost everyone with BPD has entertained thoughts of suicide sometime in their life. In my own case, I struggled with the usual feelings of helplessness and self-loathing, especially when connected to my bisexual desires. It was not until I decided to inform my wife about my struggles, and the subsequent divorce, that I entertained suicidal thoughts, but unlike 75% of my fellow BPD sufferers,  I still could not pull the trigger. Instead, I engaged in all kinds of reckless behavior with the thought that I would welcome death if it happened. I also  made threats to myself and informed others that I was having suicidal thoughts but never reached the point of an actual attempt.  So what is the difference between thoughts and actions?

Again we need to look at the old formula – beliefs beget thoughts, thoughts beget feelings, and feelings beget actions. In my case, I think I shared the same beliefs with my suicide- attempting brothers and sisters. We believed that we were failures; we hated ourselves; and we no longer wanted to live out our painful lives. I think we probably shared the same thought patterns. That leaves feelings as the major component in the difference between thinking suicidal thoughts and actually carrying them out. And again, I think we probably shared the same feelings, but it was the depth of the feelings that made a difference. For these souls, hopelessness became despair; self-loathing became indifference; wanting to end the pain became the only solution, which was, of course,  the final solution. In my case, I was willing to ride it out, not believing that any good could come out on my life, but simply deciding to go through the motions and continuing in high risk behavior. Fortunately, in my case, time, the ultimate healer, eventually made the pain more bearable, and I waited around on this planet long enough that I began to sense that perhaps life was not so bad after all.

In my review of the literature, I have found some of the causes of the deeper feelings of hopelessness. The links between suicidal behavior and other factors such as childhood sexual abuse, depression, and substance abuse will be clearly defined in future blogs. For the time being, I think it is safe to say that BPD has several causal or at least correlational factors that may lead to suicidal behavior. We need to take steps that might help these people go through their life and death struggles.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals with BPD:

  1. We never give up. When life gets too hard to bear, we seek help.
  2. While we are still functioning, we find a kindred spirit, preferably someone who has been there, or we make a pact with a fellow sufferer that we will not go ahead with the final solution until we have sat down and talked and cried together one last time. Just expressing the negative feelings is the first step to accepting them as part of our lives that are painful but not necessarily hopeless.
  3. If there is no light at the end of the tunnel, we create one, be it ever so small, such as we wait for some event in the future that we can look forward to such as a graduation or our grandson’s birthday, something that we can celebrate.
  4. We begin to rebuild our belief system by finding and focusing on some positives in our life such as, perhaps, our creative abilities. I knew I was a good writer, and writing poetry was a way for me to survive the night and wake up the next day and start over again.
  5. We recognize that we have a higher self that is powerful and beautiful. And when life is just too difficult, we spend a few moments seeking out the person within, and we cry together.

 

[1] Black, Donald W.; Blum, Nancee; Pfohl, Bruce; and Hale, Nancy. Suicidal Behavior in Borderline Personality Disorder: Prevalence, Risk Factors, Prediction, and Prevention.  Journal of Personality Disorders > Vol. 18, Issue 3. 2018.

 

The Power of Belief

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I Believe in Life after Death

 

So many of us have stopped seeing the world as the beautiful place it really is. Our words and thoughts are filled with negativity. Having lost our Spiritual roots, we see death as final and tragic and something to be feared. It is all a matter of perspective. Yes there is pain, and the pain is real, but we can still heal our pain through the power of the belief – the belief that we have the ability to create and live a life of peace and joy.

I recently attended a Life Celebration for a ninety year old friend who had lived a full and rich life. As in so many funerals, thoughts turned to a hoped for afterlife. We all wished that he would fulfill his dream to rejoin the love of his life, his wife of sixty-two years. I know that beliefs in a heaven and hell are based on Christian mythology, but myths are just stories that reveal a hidden truth. I believe that this body is mortal but we also have an essence that is pure energy. We are spiritual beings cloaked in a human body. Since this energy can never be lost, I believe it is simply transformed into pure spirit.

I believe that death is not to be feared. There is no hell. I believe that there is an afterlife or another life, and this life will be free of pain and suffering. I believe that the power of belief is a gift from the source. It is the essence of faith and hope. It is the essence of out being.  It is the shoulder we can lean on when life seems too hard to bear.

 

     I Believe In Life after Death

 

Knowing all there is to know and being all there is to be,

It is now time to celebrate the last day of the last life

That I will ever live.

 

However, there are still these last few years to savor,

The thrill of sensing all that my eyes can see,

And hearing all my ears can hear.

 

And as I caress the substance of all my hands can touch,

My soul transforms all these gifts of my senses

Into feelings that expand into ecstasy.

 

As my souls captures the joys of this divine present,

It molds this ever expanding divine source of energy

Into a shape I know will last forever.

 

 

Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the fifth in the series on the relationship between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder [BPD].)

In previous blogs, we have established a link between BPD and bisexuality. We have looked at two symptoms for BPD on the DSM4: symptom 1 –  fear of abandonment, and symptom 3 – identity disturbance or poor self-concept.  Today we want to look at the second symptom which is “a pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation”. The DSM5 describes it as, “Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships … alternating between over involvement and withdrawal”.  From my review of the literature, it appears that difficulty in interpersonal relationships may be connected to problems with the mechanisms involved with bonding. This goes back to childhood issues such as abuse or neglect.

The relations between parental bonding and attachment constructs and borderline personality disorder features were examined by Nichol et al in 2002[1].  In a sample of 393 18-year-old’s, low parental bonding and attachment scores were associated with borderline features including insecure, anxious, or ambivalent attachment, and a perception of a relative lack of caring from one’s mother.

So what is happening biologically for people with BPD.  Bartz et al investigated the effects of intranasal oxytocin (OXT) on trust and cooperation in borderline personality disorder (BPD)[2]. Their data suggests that OXT does not facilitate trust and pro-social behavior in BPD’s but may actually impede it. They suggest that this may be due to possible neurochemical differences in the OXT system.

So where does this difference originate and how does it occur? First of all, we have to view OXT not only as a hormone generated by the pituitary gland but also as a neuromodulator. In plain English, that means that OXT affects the functions of the brain. This is usually done through the excitement or suppression of neurotransmitters.  In other words, OXT works differently in people with BPD by suppressing rather than exciting the transfer of messages within the brain and from the brain to the rest of the body.

We know that OXT is involved in bonding and that bonding to one’s mate creates aversion to any other potential sexual partner. When we look at aversion, we can get some clues from the rats and wolves[3].  In the case of wolves, one experience with tainted mutton made them swear off sheep for the rest of their lives. We all have experienced a nauseating sensation after an intense emotional experience and what could be more emotional than feeling rejected by one’s own mother? Could it be that when the outflow of OXT between mother and child during early childhood is accompanied by rejection that it literally leaves a bad taste in the mouth of the child by affecting the digestive system?

So how does this apply to our sexuality? We  know that sexual attraction usually involves a release of OXT. We also know that OXT can result in aversion and even nausea when presented with an opportunity for sex with members of the opposite sex for gays and lesbians and that some heterosexuals experience similar reactions about have same sex experiences. Could this indeed be the workings of OXT?

Gays, lesbians, and heterosexuals usually have no trouble bonding, and it is the work of the bond that creates the sense of aversion, and it is the aversion that creates the emotional reaction. What about bisexuals? Because we have difficulty bonding we also have no aversion mechanisms. Therefore, we can have sex with either men or women without experiencing overpowering negative emotion. We still have the OXT rush but not biologically imprinted restrictions. We have no difficulty devouring the delirious meal set before us.

What I am suggesting is the people with BPD have difficulty forming lasting relationships because we have difficulty bonding. The OXT release has the opposite effect, we simply associate it with rejection and have an aversion to bonding itself. We enjoy sex for the sake of sex but reject the bonding that goes with it. We burn our bridges and walk away from potentially painful experiences.  That does not mean, however, that we cannot have lasting relationships. It just means that we have to work harder to form stronger and more encompassing emotional and mental bonds in spite of the negative flow of OXT.

My five suggestions for bisexuals.

  1. We don’t give up on the bond. We can still  form mental and emotional bonds by creating and repeating feelings of love for our partners .
  2. If we feel emotional aversion, we can accept it, face it, and understand where it is coming from. We can then choose to recreate a feeling of love. Every time we do this, it reinforces our love bond.
  3. We do not let our aversion feelings interfere with our sex life. We focus on the physical and emotional pleasure and use this experience to again reinforce our love bond.
  4. We keep focusing on the positive aspects of our relationship and consciously build our mental-emotional bond.
  5. We do little things to show our partner we love them. Flowers and chocolate works for women and a good back rub does wonders for a man (by the way men like chocolate too, and women like back rubs).

 

 

[1] Angela D. Nickell, Carol J. Waudby, Timothy J. Trull, (2002). Attachment, Parental Bonding and Borderline Personality Disorder Features in Young Adults. Journal of Personality Disorders: Vol. 16, No. 2, pp. 148-159. https://doi.org/10.1521/pedi.16.2.148.22544

 

[2] Bartz, Jennifer; Simeon, Daphine; Hamilton, Holly; Kim, Suah; Crystal, Sarah; Braun, Ashley; Vicens, Victor; and Hollander, Eric. Oxytocin can hinder trust and cooperation in borderline personality disorder. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, Volume 6, Issue 5, 1 October 2011, Pages 556–563, https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsq085

 

[3] Gustavson, Carl R.; Sweeney, Michael; and Garcia,John. Prey-lithium aversions. I: coyotes and wolves 1. Behavior Biology, Vol 17, 1976.

Borderline Personality Disorder and the Missing Self

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I think it’s time to leave the research and theories behind for a while and look at BPD from an emotional point of view. Feelings from the heart instead of ideas from the mind.

During the weekend, I attended a writer’s workshop that focused on owning our work and feeling good about it. One of the activities really hit home. We were to carry on a written dialogue with the child within. The voice of the higher self (adult) was expressed by writing with the dominant hand and the voice of the child with the other. The following is what I came up with:

Child: It’s dark in here.

Adult: Where are you?

Child: I don’t know. Mom left me here alone a long time ago.

Adult: I was always there with you.

Child: No you weren’t. I didn’t see you.

Adult: I was watching safely from a distance.

Child: Why didn’t you come and play with me? I was scared.

Adult: I’m not sure. I cared for you but something seemed to be holding me back. Where was your mother?

Child: I never had a mother. There was a woman. She made my meals. We watched TV together but she was not my mother.

Adult: How do you know?

Child: She never held me. She never kissed me. She never said she loved me.

Adult: What about your father?

Child: I never had a father.

Adult No one?

Child: Just you. But you never held me, or kissed me, or said you loved me either.

Adult: But I was there. I didn’t do those things because I wanted you to be strong, to grow up to be a man. Surely you must remember my visits, those poems I wrote to you over the years?

Child: Yes, thank you. I still have all of them. I read them when I feel lonely.

Adult: I am sorry I neglected you. Please forgive me.  But there is still time. Perhaps you can be the child of my mature years, like my grandson?

Child: Yes, I would like that. Do you have time to play now?

Adult: Yes I do, all the time in the world. We can have our own special time every day after lunch until before dinner. Would you like that?

Child: Oh yes! That would be fun. But not golf. I hate golf. How about tag or hide and seek? I can hide someplace in the dark and you can come and find me.

Adult: And yes, and we can both run for home…

Child: And yell HOMEFREE!!

Adult: Yes let’s do it.

Child: And you can hug me and say you love me.

Adult: Yes, I promise. I do love you, you know?

Child: I know.

 

What can we take from this? Most of us bisexuals with BPD have had to survive with a wounded child, often because of childhood neglect or abuse. Because of that we have experienced psychological shame causing us  to avoid and neglect our inner child. We need to revisit those days again and do some healing; we need to give ourselves the attention we all had deserved. Above all we need to play. We need to learn to enjoy being with ourselves.

.

 

Bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder

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ASHIRT & TIE [small] (final)s I was searching for something intelligent to write about, I revisited the research section on bisexuality. After reading yet another study on whether or not we exist, I asked myself why I was still looking at this stuff.  We know we exist, so where do we go from here? The answer, of course, is that we should be looking at the issues we face, so that we can somehow finally get past our sexual identity crisis and learn how to enjoy the lives we have been given.

Twenty years ago, I was having a mental meltdown, largely because of my bisexual orientation. I loved my wife and was very much attracted to her; we had a great sex life. But I also had developed an obsession and compulsion for engaging in gay sex. During one counselling session, my therapist conducted a survey in the DSM4 on Borderline Personality Disorder (the 5 had not yet come out). First of all, let me explain. Borderline Personality Disorder is not “borderline”; it is a dysfunction involving significant impairment of self-identity, the ability to relate to others, and difficulty with impulse control. When sexual identity issues are involved, self-loathing, feelings of emptiness and worthlessness, and unhealthy impulses are usually centered on our sexuality.  She looked up and said, “Amazing, you have all the symptoms except sexual identity issues.” She stared at me for a few seconds and said, “Oh my god, don’t tell me you are gay too.”  Well, I can now say I no longer have sexual identity issues. I know and understand my sexual orientation. I am not gay. I am bisexual.

Looking back, I think it is important to address the issue or borderline personality disorder.  In an analogue study[1], 141 psychologists evaluated a hypothetical client with problems that resembled borderline symptoms but were also consistent with a sexual identity crisis. In this study, client descriptions varied by sexual orientation and gender. Results revealed that male clients with bisexual attractions were more likely to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Therapists were more confident and willing to work with female bisexual clients and gave them a better prognosis. In other words, the clinical community believes that we bisexual males have severe issues in dealing with our bisexuality resulting in Borderline Personality Disorder. This means that our belief system makes it difficult to make changes through traditional therapy, and difficult to function in our society. Women on the other hand seem to be able to assimilate their bisexual desires into normal life patterns with or without therapy.

If we have indeed overcome our identity issues and we know and understand that we are bisexual, than what comes next? I think the answer may lie is taking a closer look at the borderline personality symptoms. In my case, I may still have a Borderline Personality Disorder, but I now understand it and have learned to live with it. Somewhat like in the movie, The Beautiful Mind, I now know when my disorder is throwing false information at me, and I can simply reject it and function with the truth: I know who I am; I love and care for myself, and I appreciate my mind and body with their bisexual desires. But that was a long and painful journey. The next few blogs will be devoted to the steps we can take to overcome our borderline personality symptoms.

My five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. We accept the fact that we are psychologically and biologically bisexual. If we are sexually attracted to both males and females, then we are bisexual.
  2. We get comfortable with it. We keep telling ourselves its okay to be bisexual.
  3. We recognize our negative feelings, enter into a state of mindfulness, and allow our higher self to soothe our mind until we begin to see the amazing qualities we possess because of our bisexuality. It is truly a gift.
  4. We deal with negative thoughts. We don’t suppress them, we convert them to positive thoughts. We can do this by simply taking a negative statement and turning it into a positive. For example “I cannot control my sex drive” becomes “I can control my sex drive”.
  5. We look for ways to appreciate our bisexual body and brain. We keep an ever growing list of things we are thankful for. When we have doubts, we simply check out list and recite all the things we like about ourselves.

[1] Eubanks-Carter, Catherine and Goldfried, Marvin  R. . The impact of client sexual orientation and gender on clinical judgments and diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Journal of Clinical Psychology. March, 2006

Creative Imagination and Bisexuality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the sixth in the series on applying Napoleon Hill’s principles for financial success to how we can shape our bisexuality into creating a life that we would truly love to live.)

According to Napoleon Hill, there are two types of imagination – synthetic and creative.[1] Synthetic imagination involves the arranging of old concepts, ideas, or plans into new combinations. To use this form of imagination, we have to rely on the words and actions of others combined with our own past experiences. This is what the brain typically does best. It takes in new information and uses synthetic imagination to build on past experiences to make moderate changes to enhance life. This works well if we love the life we are living; however, if we feel a deep discontent with our past and present, we will need to make a paradigm shift. This requires creative imagination which inevitably will bring us into conflict with our ego mind which wants to maintain the status quo with only moderate changes.

This yearning and discontent can then be transformed into desire and become a powerful energy source for change. This activates our higher self which will always operate for our higher purpose. It then sets to work using creative imaginations to create new ideas.  Eventually, these ideas can come together to formulate specific goals and plans. Hill suggests that when we put our plans into detailed writing with a specific time frame, the higher self then connects with the infinite intelligence causing our minds to vibrate at higher frequencies. The universe or infinite intelligence then seems to give life and guidance to our ideas that can help us transform our plans into reality.

So how does one then apply creative imagination to our sex life? As bisexuals, we often feel strong discontent with ourselves and the lives we are living.  We often feel powerless in making the changes we will need to make in order to bring about the necessary changes. In fact, it is change that we fear most. This is where we have to allow our discontent to transform into a desire for change. Once this desire is strong enough, our higher self will get engaged to bring us back to our life purpose which is to grow and expand through love for self and love for life. Once this desire grows in vibration, the higher self will begin to call in direction and knowledge from the infinite intelligence. The higher self then employs creative imagination to turn these vibrations into ideas. From these ideas we can begin to make plans to change our lives and create the kind of life that we would truly love to live.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. We can allow our discontent to surface until it becomes a desire for change. We allow our higher self to take control and employ creative imagination to formulate plans for change.
  2. We put them in writing and set a timeline for change.
  3. We put these words someplace where we will remember to read them just before going to bed so that the higher self can work with the infinite intelligence to bring this plans into reality even while we sleep.
  4. We review the plan again in the morning and wait upon the higher self to give direction through hunches and insights. We can act upon these insights and keep doing this until the plans have all been brought into the physical world.
  5. We celebrate our victories and make new goals and plans. We are now in the process of creating the life we would truly love to live.

 

 

[1] Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. Dover Publications INC.. New York. 2015

 

Knowledge and Bisexuality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the fifth in the series on applying Napoleon Hill’s principles for financial success to how we can shape our bisexuality into creating a life that we would truly love to live.)

“Knowledge will not attract (our desire) unless it is organized, and intelligently directed, through practical plans of action to the definite end of (living the life that we love to live)”.[1]

If you are reading this article, it is probably because you are seeking knowledge about bisexuality. But how much do we actually have to know in order to live the life we would love to live? What we are seeking is not knowledge but to actually educate ourselves. The Latin word educo means “to draw out or develop from within”. That knowledge on how to live the life that we would love to live is already there inside of us; we just have to draw it out.

According to Hill there are two types of knowledge – general and specialized. What you are seeking in this article is specialized knowledge. I am a psychologist and a bisexual; therefore, by processing the information I have gathered and applying it to my own life, I hopefully have some specialized knowledge to tell. In truth, yes, I do have some specialized knowledge, but my main goal is to help you educate yourself by helping you draw out what you already know and applying it to your own life.

First of all let’s decide on the sort of specialized knowledge we require and the purpose for which it is needed. Yes, it helps to know that we are not alone, and approximately five percent of men and 15 percent of women heterosexuals have at some time experimented with same sex relationships. If we do the math. one of every ten people may be considered bisexual. Knowledge will also help us know where we can meet other bisexual people for relationship, companionship, and just general support in developing new thought patterns. But what else is really necessary?

What we really want to do is develop our general knowledge. We need to somehow come up with a new thought about ourselves and how we can handle the circumstances of our present situation. If we are burdened with a bunch of negative thoughts and feelings about ourselves, we have to somehow change the way we think. We have to overhaul our general knowledge mechanisms. We need to think new thoughts.  This new thought then has to be nurtured and organized into a new self-concept that we are indeed worthy, powerful, and beautiful.

The place to start is with our discontents and dissatisfactions. What is impeding us from being the people we want to be? We need to take inventory. Every time we have a negative thought about ourselves, we have to challenge it. We need to apply some good old cognitive therapy. For example, “I hate myself,” becomes, “I have a negative feeling whenever I think about gay or lesbian sex”. Okay, we are making progress. Now we can challenge that thought “Why do I feel bad whenever I think of gay or lesbian sex?” The answer might be, “Because my friends make a lot of gay jokes, and if I want to be with my friends, I have to stop having these thoughts.” Aha! Now we are getting somewhere. Where do these thoughts come from? Well they come from our basic biological make up and have developed over time to being a core part of our being. We can therefore conclude, “If my friends are real friends, they will have to love me for who I am, if not they are not real friends anyway.” Whenever we challenge our negative thoughts, we should always come back to the essential core belief of generalized knowledge, namely, “I am in complete control of my mind; I can control and direct all my thoughts; I am powerful and I am beautiful; and my bisexuality is a gift to be nurtured and enjoyed”. All our thoughts have to be in harmony with this core belief.

We can then use the power of our imaginations to organize and put this new knowledge to work. The next step is to take action. We tell our friends how we feel and engage them in some honest discussion. They may respond with their own feelings and fears. Women do this naturally, we men have to work at it to make it happen. Above all, we make a commitment to ourselves to live honestly, walk tall, and speak from the heart. In other words we have “organized, and intelligently directed” our thoughts and formulated “practical plans of action to the definite end” of living the life we would truly love to live.

[1] Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. Dover Publication, Inc. 2015. (Page 64).

My five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. We challenge our negative thoughts and turn them into positive ones.
  2. We develop our self-concept by understanding ourselves, the way we think, and how we organize our thoughts. If our self-concept is negative we change it. If it is positive we celebrate.
  3. We refuse to accept anything that lowers our self-esteem. We actually should learn to admire ourselves for what we have accomplished and the hardships we have overcome or are in the process of overcoming.
  4. We put our new self-concept and our new self-esteem into action. We deal with issues and with our relationships with confidence. We do not fear criticism; we welcome it. It is our opportunity to grow.
  5. We plan our life and take steps to make it the kind of life we love to live.

Bisexuality and Desire

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“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.” [1]

(This is the second in the series on applying Napoleon Hill’s principles for financial success to how we can shape our bisexuality into creating a life that we would truly love to live.)

I remember our basketball coach saying, “ya gotta wanna to be a winna”. So true. Desire is the life force of the human mind and soul. Desire is the drive to get or do something or to be someone. Desire is the emotional electrical charge from the amygdala that empowers our thoughts and provides the motivation to take action. There are two basic emotions that we can experience as human beings – desire and fear – and all the other emotions are somehow related to these two. Desire is our life force that  propels us forward to a hoped for pleasure, and fear is our safeguard that limits the extent of our desires and keeps the pursuit of pleasure within the boundaries of what is perceived as safe by the ego. Our goal should be to be creatures of desire rather than victims of fear, creatures who live by the desires of the soul rather than the fears of the ego.

Napoleon Hill lists six definite and practical steps by which our desires can be transmuted into the ability to achieve what we are striving for. The first step is to fix clear in our minds the exact form of what it is that we desire. If we could step into the perfect life right here and now, what would it look like? What would it feel like? In other words, what is the dream life that we would love to live? The second step is to decide what we would give in order to achieve that desire. This might mean a heart to heart discussion with a partner or perhaps a move to a new location to be with someone we love. It can be big changes or small changes. The third step is to establish a date by which we will obtain whatever it is that we desire. The fourth is to create a plan to achieve our desire. Step five is to write out a statement that includes the desire, what we will give, the date, and the plan. The sixth and final step is to read this statement every morning and every evening and visualize and feel what it would be like to live this new life.  We repeat this every day until it becomes a reality.

This six step process is known as the law of attraction. If we desire something and can imagine and visualize it with emotion and feeling, the life-force of this universe will begin to shape our reality according to our dreams and feelings. In other words, by the power of organized and persistent desire, we can create the kind of life we would truly love to live.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals; in this instance we will simply go with Napoleon hill:

  1. We develop a clear picture in our mind of the kind of life we would love to live. This can be a new relationship or changes to one we have now, or it can be a life with many relationships. We make it as clear as possible. What do we do in our shared time? What is the sex life like? Where do we live? What pleasures can we add?
  2. In order to receive what we desire we clearly list what we will give in return.
  3. We set a date in which we will have the life we want to live.
  4. We make a plan to achieve this life.
  5. We write out our plan and read it each morning and each evening before we go to bed. We visualize what it looks like, and we feel what it feels like. We firmly believe that we are worthy of this dream, and we firmly believe that we will make this dream come true.

[1] Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. Dover Publications Inc. 2015.

Bisexuality and the Power of Belief

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SHIRT & TIE w.out white background (final)You gotta believe. Oh so true. But what is belief? Another word for belief is “faith”, but I am reluctant to use that word because of its religious connotations; however, belief is the same principle that is behind faith and the creation of miracles. The question is, how do we develop the kind of belief needed to live the kind of life we want to live?

According to Napoleon Hill in Think and Grow Rich, “Faith is a state of mind which may be induced, or created, by affirmation or repeated instructions to the subconscious mind”[1] “which proceeds to translate that impulse into its physical equivalent by the most practical procedure available.”[2] According to Hill, when faith or belief are fueled by emotion they create a feeling which in turn brings the thoughts behind the belief into life and action. In other words, it is more than intellectual belief; true belief has to be fueled by the emotions and feelings of love for oneself and for others.

In our Western world, our view of sexuality has become warped and twisted. Our core values as a society are the cause of such things as voyeurism, pornography, objectifying women and men, rape and violence against women and gay men, and the list goes on and on. Nor do I agree with religious fundamentalists who would cover a woman from head to foot to avoid “impure thoughts” or return to Victorian mentality that sex is only for procreation and homosexuality is a mental illness and criminal activity. Is it any wonder that our own core values have also become tainted by the society in which we live?

This leads us to the need to consider beliefs on sexuality that focus on a healthy and pleasure filled experience. This requires an honest look at our own individual set of core values on sex. We have to take a look at the flaws of our rational mind and its thought patterns because our mind will only draw conclusion that are in harmony the core values we have developed under the influence of our parents, the church, the education system, and society.

We have to rely on our higher self to guide us based on the two basic principles which are: love for self and love for others. The higher self will bring these flaws to our attention and then suggest a path to a more wholesome and healthy set of core values. Once we adopt these values into our daily lives we can begin to change our behavior patterns and begin to live the life that we truly would love to live.

When I went through this process I came up with the following.

Flawed Value – I am a Bisexual and I have the right to live with a bisexual lifestyle.

Flawed Value – My bisexuality is a burden that has caused me to loathe myself and the things I have done.

Flawed Value – My bisexual impulses cannot be controlled so I should ignore my conscience and just indulge.

Flawed Value – My bisexuality was the cause of my divorce.

 

Wholesome Value – I am a person with sexual attraction for men and women and I can choose whom to love based on the love I can give and receive.

Wholesome Value – By bisexuality is a gift that lets me see life in a new and beautiful way influenced by my masculine strength and my sacred feminine.

Wholesome Value – I am in complete control of my sexual impulses and I can make a heart decision on when, where, and with whom I will have sex,

Wholesome Value – My bisexuality was not the cause of my divorce. The cause was our inability to love unconditionally and my divorce has led to new opportunities to seek and find unconditional love with another.

My five suggestion for Bisexuals:

Step 1: We can learn to trust our gut. The gut is simply the intuitive voice of the higher self. It will guide and direct our thoughts, help us make the right decision, and direct us in locating and accessing the things we will need to achieve our desires.

Step 2: We use the emotion of love. It is the power or the energy of love that provides the power to attract what we desire and believe. This is the love for the higher self which desires to obtain the desires of our hearts and to form bonds with others.

Step 3:  We can make sure that our thoughts are in line with the universe by simply evaluating whether or not what we desire will be truly good for ourselves and whether there is some good that will come out of it that may benefit others.

Step 4: Put our thoughts into action.

Step 5: Keep a daily inventory. Persist in the belief until it becomes a reality. We have to daily repeat the five step process. We reaffirm the power of the higher self; we check with our higher self to be sure we are on the right track; we employ the power of love from the higher self to connect with the universal intelligence and with others; and we wait for daily instructions on what needs to be done to realize our desires. Then we act upon those instructions.

[1] Hill, 1945 (page,36)

[2] Hill, 1945 (page 37)