Category: Bisexual Couples

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Desire

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

Aristotle understood that action depends on thought plus desire and that reason and thought by themselves can achieve nothing (Nichomachachean Ethics, 1139a). He goes on to describe desire as the engine for directing “the right thought” which is the basis of higher thinking. In her book,  Li Zhi, and the Virtue of Desire, Lee describes Li Zhi’s insights about the role of feelings and how feeling involve the virtue of desire.[1] Crucial to Zhi’s ideal of the good life is the ability to express one’s feelings, as the articulation of feelings leads to clarity, and clarity leads to new desires. In other words, the virtue of desire is at the foundation of all our actions and even our private thoughts and feelings. Desire is a natural and necessary drive that helps us formulate thoughts and feelings which eventually will lead  to a progression of thought and action. But is desire by itself a virtue? Not necessarily. To become a virtue, desire has to be directed by the higher self, thus leading to higher desires that will set us on the path to self-actualization.

Desire is often omitted from religious inventories of virtues. There is constant reference to controlling our thought life and our desires. Christianity and Islam consistently talk about controlling the desires of the flesh and According to Buddhist belief, the goal of life is to live without any desires at all, because desires result in stress and anxieties that lead us away from a life of peace and contentment. However, this begs the question – can we truly be content without desire? Would we not be conflicting with our basic human nature which is to perceive something greater, some pleasure, some dream, some goal, even the goal of living a life of contentment free of anxiety and stress? What would we be without desires?

Desires are part of our basic brain structures. We see what is not and we ask why? We think of something that might give us pleasure and ask why not? Then the brain sets up a neural pathway that involves a goal that is intrinsically linked to the acquisition of this possible pleasure. A dopamine rush is then set out to motivate the body and the mind to obtain the pleasure. Once the goal is achieved we experience a serotonin rush that engages the pleasure center of the brain and sets up a neural pathway to enjoy this pleasure again in the future.

Human beings are creators, the motivation is desire, and the reward is pleasure. Ester Hicks through the voice of her spirit guide, Abraham, in the book Ask and It Is Given, states that desire is “the delicious awareness of new possibilities. Desire is a fresh, free feeling of anticipating wonderful expansion.” She goes on to say that we will “revel in the conscious awareness that you (we) have deliberately molded your (our) desires into being”[2] and “when you (we) go with the flow of your (our) own desires, you (we) will feel truly alive and you (we) will truly live)[3].

In conclusion, it appears that desire is indeed a virtue and life itself is based on wholesome desires of the body, the mind, and the soul. Our bodies and our drives lead to desires for feeling the pleasures of our bodies which includes sexual experiences. In fact, they lead to body, mind and soul connections with other human beings. They are simply a statement by our bodies that we wish to experience pleasure in its deepest forms. The mind wishes to experience life so that it can expand its knowledge of the world around it. It seeks to understand life in all its forms. The soul longs to dream and make its dreams come true. To reach self-actualization, we can follow our desires to experience the pleasures of our bodies; we can explore life in all its forms, and we can dream and let our dreams lead to desires that motivate us into making the dreams come true.

 

Here are my five applications to bisexuality:

  1. The desires of the body are part of human reality. There is no sin in desire. It is there to lead us to connection with others through the powerful sexual sensations of the body.
  2. The mind will try to evaluate if the desire is good for us. It will attempt to protect us from doing things that may be harmful, such as engaging in unsafe sex. However, the mind is also vulnerable to opinions, because it feels it needs to live in harmony with others. Therefore, it will try to abide by the mores of the society in which it lives. We may wish to override these mores from time to time and engage in activities that will bring pleasure to our being. We need to be conscious of what we are doing and why we are doing it. If we feel the pleasure is a healthy expression of who we want to be, we should set aside the restrictions of the ego and fulfill our desires without guilt and shame.
  3. The higher self is the best judge of what we should and should not do. It directs by feelings. If it feels good at a spiritual level it is automatically good. If it feels bad it is probably bad. We should get in touch with our higher self and learn to listen to the inner voice. This is not the voice of the ego; it is a voice without words. We shut down the mind and reach for the feelings from within.
  4. Our sexual desires usually lead to deeper desires. We seek connection. This is body to body through sex, mind to mind through shared knowledge and desire for learning, and a desire to spiritually vibrate and resonate with the spiritual vibrations of another. These vibrations are enhanced through body, mind, and soul connection. It can just be a full warm hug or it can be whatever we both want it to be.
  5. All paths should lead to self-actualization. It is the desire of the soul to experiment and experience, and move on from experience to higher knowledge and increased love energy. Pay attention to your desires and enjoy.

 

[1] Lee, Pauline C. ; Li Zhi, and the Virtue of Desire. Suny Series in Chinese Culture and Philosophy, Amazon. 2013.

[2] Hicks, Ester and Jerry. Ask and It Is Given. Hay House. 2004. (page 120).

[3] Hicks (page 123)

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Fortitude

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Fortitude is mentioned by Plato in “The Republic” as one of the four cardinal virtues.  St. Thomas Aquinas ranked fortitude as the third of the cardinal virtues after prudence and justice.  In the Bible, it is also included as one of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, (Isaiah 11:2-3). The virtue of fortitude can be practiced by anyone; it is not only a Christian value but the natural outgrowth of life’s experiences.

The virtue of fortitude is commonly called courage, but it is different from what we think of as courage today. Fortitude always serves a higher purpose, is beyond reason, and is therefore, an expression of the will of the human spirit. Fortitude is the virtue that allows us to overcome fear and to remain steady in the face of all obstacles – physical, mental, and spiritual. If we look at fortitude from the perspective of good versus evil or light versus darkness, we see fortitude as our ability and strength to reach for the good for ourselves and others, instead of just allowing the darkness of the world to overcome us and prevent us from reaching for our higher sense of being.

Fortitude is strength of purpose in the face of all the obstacles that life tries to throw at us. If we have the virtue of fortitude, we will persist in reaching for our better self and to keep on going through pain and trials. We push on, believing in ourselves and in our divine purpose which is just to be, and to radiate the joyful vibrations of our inner self.  We never lose the vision of who we are and we rejoice in the opportunities to push through the chaos and grow as human beings in body, soul and spirit. Once we have arrived at the goal of divine Self-Actualization, we help others on their path, not out of feelings of guilt or responsibility for others, but as an opportunity to create the positive energies in others so we can vibrate and resonate together for our own sense of joy and purpose. In a way, we defeat darkness collectively by bringing light into the world, not as a collective, but as individuals vibrating in frequency with other individuals.

Here are the five applications to bisexuality:

  1. Even though our bodies and brains are bisexual by nature, it is not who we are. It is simply a genetic predisposition to sexual preference. It belongs to our bodies and minds but not to our spirits. Who we really are is our higher self, that part of us that is beyond the functions of the body and the mind. We must never lose sight of the fact that our sexual orientation is just that – a sexual orientation.
  2. Because of the life experiences that come with our orientation, we tend to be empaths, people with the ability to feel and comprehend the mental or emotional state and needs of others. This gives us the ability to feel and see things that others do not. This makes it possible for us to be artists, poets, and effective professional caregivers, but it also makes us more sensitive, and therefore, more vulnerable to the words and actions of others. Our first responsibility as empaths is not to serve others, but to understand, care for, and love ourselves. We have to be self-centered, not narcissistic, but aware of our own feelings and needs. We cannot save anyone. If we are in a relationship that is sucking the life out of us, we have to get out. If we are surrounded by people who want to take advantage of us, we are in dangerous company. We have to trust our inner Self to lead us to people who will be genuine friends and lovers regardless of their orientation.
  3. As bisexuals, our empathic natures are going to be wrapped up in our emotions, and of course, because of our life’s experiences, our emotions are going to be wrapped up in our sexuality. Sometimes we have to literally take pains to come to grips with our sexuality. We have to bring our sexual thoughts and behaviors in line with our higher self. This does not mean we have be to monks or nuns and suppress our sexual desires, but we should try to bring our sexual vibrations in line with our soul vibrations. If we are experiencing negative energy during our sexual practices, it does not mean that we have to stop having this kind of sex. It just means that we have to adjust our own attitudes or to recognize how our sexual partners are influencing our own vibrations.
  4. If we are using our sexuality to feed the dark, negative, or wounded ego side of our self, we must take stock, face the situation honestly, and do whatever it takes to turn off the negative feeling and open up to the positive. There is nothing wrong with our sexual practices as such, but it depends on how we think about them and which side of our psyche we are feeding. We have to learn to trust the feelings coming from our gut. If these interactions bring us down and make us feel sick inside, we have to then change our thought and  behavior patterns.
  5. We have to take an inventory of our life. Is what we are doing bringing the vibrations of peace and joy? If not, we have to make changes. This mean recognizing  the effects of what we are doing and the people with whom we are associating. We can mark each person or item with a positive or a negative, then make plans to embellish the positive and remove the negative. This includes everything including our relationships, jobs, activities and sexual practices. Above all, we remember that we are powerful beings with the ability to make whatever changes are necessary. All it takes is fortitude.

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Appreciation

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final) “The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson[1]. Contentment and Gratitude lead to the virtue of Appreciation. Appreciation is different from gratitude. Gratitude is being thankful for some thought or action from someone else, but appreciation is from within. It is simply knowing, understanding and enjoying the beauty of life in all its forms.

Have you ever had a tune going around and around in your head that you just can’t get rid of? I love to sing. I am in a choir and we practice the harmony of songs over and over again until we perfect them. Sometimes I wake up in the night and there it is, one of the songs we have been practicing. It’s the same as the mental songs we play. Do you keep hearing the songs of criticism and self-doubt or do you wake up with a smile on your face because the world is beautiful, and you appreciate your wonderful body, mind, and soul?

The first step in developing the virtue of appreciation is to understand our own wonderful bodies and minds. Do you love your body, even with all its imperfections? You should, we all should, because it is the perfection of the amazing evolution of a superior being that has adapted to extreme hostile conditions and continues to evolve according to changes in our environment. We should be able to look in the mirror every day and appreciate its ability to sense and respond to the world around us. Our minds, especially the working of the frontal cortex, is the culmination of millions of years of evolution, or if you prefer, the miracle of creation from a loving god who has created us in his likeness. People tend to look at the mind as the ego and feel it is somehow responsible for all our troubles, but where would we be without it, without the ability to evaluate, judge, and make decisions? It works on the completely selfish motivation of making decisions to protect and enhance the self. The well-known words of Christ tell us to “Love our neighbor as ourselves”.  We cannot love anyone unless we first make a conscious decision to know, understand and love our mind, ego, or self.

That takes us back to the inner or Higher Self. I know this is repetitive but it is never redundant. There is always some new way to look at, understand, and appreciate the inner Self. We cannot see the beauty in others unless we first see the beauty in ourselves. Both love and seeing beauty are a function of the inner Self. The inner Self feels things. It feels all the patterns of energy around us. Our eyes sense the energy, our minds interpret and evaluate it, but our spirits feel it. It distinguishes between the negative energies brought on by our mind and the minds of others, reinterprets fear as chance or opportunity, and transforms anger to love. It sees the connectedness of everything and can trace the patterns into an ever evolving circle of life. We feel the patterns of the universe itself which we can interpret as God, or the Tao, or just the Universe. It feels our part in all things and encourages us to feel things beyond the power of the body and mind. When we get in touch with the Higher Self we get in touch with all that is and can be, and we sense the best path to living a more conscious life. The Higher Self wants to flood our minds and bodies with the joys of appreciation for this awesome opportunity to just live.

Here are the five applications to bisexuality:

  1. We need to love our bodies; that includes our genetic bisexual orientation. We can enjoy all the pleasures that our senses can provide. We can be true to ourselves and be selfish and enjoy our sexuality. We can start doing things that make us feel good inside and out.
  2. We need to love our minds, recognize that it has done an amazing job to survive with a very difficult predisposition. It has made judgement and decisions to get through all of life’s challenges to the point where we can accept our orientation.
  3. If you have not yet reached that point and no longer trust the powers of your mind, then it is now time to reach to the inner self and allow positive feelings to surface. We can close down the mind for a while and seek the positive energy of the inner Self. We can enter that space of peace through meditation of by taking a forest or ocean side bath where the richness of nature will enter our souls. While in this state we can allow the inner Self to shed its light on our consciousness and lead us to self-love where we can appreciate all life’s experiences as a path to greater understanding. We can let this bath of self-love touch our minds until all the fears and anger have melted under its power to the point where we begin to appreciate these experiences as part of the path to self-actualization.
  4. We can see and appreciate the beauty in others. If we have experienced traumas we can try to see the beauty and struggle of another soul instead of the ugliness of fear and anger emanating from someone else’s tortured mind.
  5. We then can consciously seek a soul-mate that can appreciate our inner as well and outer beauty so that we can let go of casual encounters and appreciate all the joys of a fully conscious intimate relationship.  We each give as well as receive the beauty and power of the intimate vibrations of the body and soul.

[1] Virtues for Life. http://www.virtuesforlife.com/30-gratitude-quotes-health-happiness-healing/

Bisexuality, The Virtue of Contentment, and the Second Nobel Truth

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)The first five virtues have dealt with healing and grounding. They have included Truthfulness, Awareness, Discernment, Forgiveness and Gratitude. We are now ready to development a life of conscious living. The first of these virtues is Contentment. Gratitude automatically leads to Contentment.  Gratitude is recognizing that life itself and every event in life is a gift. Contentment is living a life where our higher self is always present and giving us a feeling of peace and abundance.

The Buddha believed that the source of all human misery was having desires – no desires, no anxieties.[1] He identified three types of desires? According to the Buddha, Kama tanha is wanting sense pleasures through the body and always seeking things to excite or please our senses. Taste pecan chocolate cheesecake and see what happens: a desire arises for more. That is kama tanha. Like all philosophical and/or religious statements, I do not accept them carte blanche. What could possibly be wrong with sense pleasures and what is wrong with wanting to fill our lives with sense pleasures? What could be wrong with the wonderful taste of chocolate pecan? Granted discernment is needed, we must evaluate what pleasures  allow our soul to grow and what pleasures stunt our growth. A daily walk along the ocean fills my soul; daily viewing pornography, although it is a pleasure, affects the health of my soul; too much chocolate pecan, affects my health and can damage my teeth. If we are grounded, and in tune with our higher self, we know what desires and pleasures are good for the body, mind and soul, and which pleasures should be avoided or controlled.

The second desire is bhava tanha where we can be caught in a realm of ambition and attainment – the desire to become. We get caught in that movement of striving to become happy, seeking to become wealthy; or we might attempt to make our life feel important by endeavouring to make the world right. This desire is wanting to become something other than what we are right now. There can be no contentment without a sense of being present with the higher self in everything we do. Doing is not becoming, we already are. We do not have to strive to be happy but we have to understand what happiness is and know how to seek it and enjoy it without striving. When I am with my beloved there is no striving for happiness. Being present with each other is happiness and brings happiness to everything we do together. The same thing applies to being present with nature, with  life,  and with the giver of life, with the one who is, with the universe itself. Seeking wealth for the sake of wealth or power is a fool’s game. Endeavoring to make the world right should be the desire of all conscious human beings, but not to feel important but just because it is the right thing to do.

The desire to get rid of things is vibhava tanha. This may be a desire to get rid of our suffering anger, jealousy, fear and anxiety. We can see from this train of thought that “becoming” and “getting rid of”are very much associated. Vibhava tanha also applies in spiritual life, which can be very self-righteous. We may want to get rid of our human nature and become only spiritual. This involves hating our bodies and our minds and all the pleasures they can bring so that we can claim we are spiritual beings. We may desire to have spiritual gifts to show people that we are special or gifted. On the other hand there is nothing wrong with wanting to be rid of suffering, anger and anxiety. In fact, we should even strive for it as they interfere with our ability to be present. And there is nothing wrong with having gifts and sharing them to alleviate the suffering of others. But I think there is something wrong with putting our name behind it and charging for our services.

By understanding these three kinds of desires, we can let them go. The Second Noble Truth is not about identifying with desires in any way; it’s about recognizing desire. It is not about hating oneself for having these thoughts and desires but recognizing when they are conditioned by the ego or the mind. Desire then becomes behavior patterns that we slip into because of ignorance and then apply these patterns to everything in our lives. But we are not just hopeless victims of desire nor do we have to let go of all desires. We simply have to understand where they are coming from, consciously analyze them through our higher self, and either let them go or indulge and enjoy.

Here are the five applications to Bisexuality:

  1. Sex is great. It absolutely overwhelms the senses of touch and feeling. It links two people together through the joy of their bodies. But it should be based on pleasing as well as being pleased and it should always come from the soul, not desperation of anxiety or self-hate.
  2. Bisexuality is great, it allows for two kinds of pleasure and two different responses to life. However, it should also come from the soul. Promiscuity for the sake of promiscuity can harm the soul and lead to guilt and shame.
  3. When we are in harmony with our self and our partner there is never shame. There is a wonderful exchange of parts of our souls that we refer to as bonding. We should feel closer and share deeper understanding of each other.
  4. As bisexuals we have no obligation to set the world right or to gain our identity from being a bisexual. We do not have to strive to become anything or anyone but who we already are. We must enjoy being us.
  5. If we feel suffering or anger or shame because of our bisexuality –  we have to get rid of it. It is pure poison. We can never thrive with the virtue of contentment unless we accept ourselves just the way we are and  learn to control and channel our desires to become content with ourselves, the people around us and with our higher selves.

[1] http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble12.htm

The Virtue of Forgiveness and the Guilt, Blame, and Shame Game.

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“Man learns through experience, and the spiritual path is full of different kinds of experiences. He will encounter many difficulties and obstacles, and they are the very experiences he needs to encourage and complete the cleansing process,” Sai Baba[1].

The virtue of forgiveness is the act and art of cleansing the mind and the soul. After negative experiences, the mind leaves a trail  of neural pathways in the brain that form the negative feelings and emotions of fear, grief, guilt, blame, and shame. The mind is always of the alert through this subconscious anxiety, watching for triggers that can lead it back to these feelings so they can be resolved. The key is to resolve them by linking them back to the positive emotions of acceptance and forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of love, mainly for the self but also for others.

Forgiveness is the beginning of change. “Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can’t ride you unless your back is bent,” Martin Luther King, Jr.[2] The goal of forgiveness is freedom from anxiety, freedom to live joyfully in the present, freedom to accept that we are a beautiful bisexual soul in peace with ourselves and the other important people in our lives.  So how do we actually and completely forgive? How do we rid our minds of these thoughts and feelings that may have haunted us for decades? We do not ignore and suppress the mind; we use its main function, judgement or free will, but we do it with our heart or spirit in support of the mind.

The first step in developing the virtue of forgiveness is to forgive the self. In reality there is no past or future; there is only the present.  The past only exists in our mind, so we have to use the mind to heal the mind. We simply recognize the feeling, seek the root of the feeling, and then employ judgement with compassion and understanding for our self. We accept what happened, recognize that we did our best under the circumstances, look at the positive things we have learned from the experience, and forgive ourselves. Here is where the heart comes in. Forgiveness is not a rational process but an act of love. We allow our heart or spirit to embrace the experience and then give our self a warm hug until the feeling becomes warm and peaceful. We have now established a new link to that pathway that we can choose to follow whenever a trigger has activated it. We can use our heart-based judgement in a positive sense to judge the memory and the trigger for what it is and choose to follow the positive pathway back to love of self. By repeating this process over and over again we eventually establish a strong neural pathway to self-love.

The next step is to forgive others and to allow others to forgive us. Once we have forgiven ourselves for the situation, we are free, but this important relationship is still fractured. We take the initiative and approach the other person for cleansing of the relationship. This can be difficult because of the negative bond that has been established and strengthened by powerful negative feelings from both parties. Within this negative bond there is a need for blame. Blame is an extremely powerful negative feeling that can turn from sadness to anger. In reality there is no blame. There was only a situation in which each individual did what they had to do because they felt that was the only alternative given the situation.

We can go to the person and describe our experience of self-forgiveness, thereby opening the doorway to letting them approach the situation positively. We do not accept any blame; we do not apologize, and we do not defend ourselves. We are not responsible for their feelings, and we are really no longer responsible for the events that happened.  That is all in the past.  We merely acknowledge that these things have happened and that we wish to forget the past and live in the present.  If they wish to play the name, blame and shame game, we simply take the role of an active listener.  We acknowledge and affirm their feelings but we do not share in owning them. When they have expressed their thoughts and hurts, we can reassure them of our love for them, and our desire to have a good relationship. If they choose to stay in anger and fear of the past, we can choose to walk away and let them resolve their own issues. We are now both free of the negative bond and can live in the present free of the chains of the past. We also free them from the bond and our complicity in it.

So what does this have to do with bisexuality? Here are my five points on the virtue of forgiveness:

  1. As bisexuals, we are major players in the name, blame, and shame game. I do not remember the number of times I said it is all my fault and was too ashamed to look myself in the mirror. These feeling are rooted deeply in our childhood and hold strong feelings of disappointing our parents because of our desires and behaviors. It is time to go back in the child within and give him or her a great big hug and say how proud we are of their courage to be who they were and do what they did.
  2. As bisexuals we have often started off in a heterosexual relationship and been unable to control our same-sex impulses and desires. This is natural.  This is who we are. There is no need to have shame over these desires. We recognize the shame for what it is and forgive ourselves.
  3. These desires have often led to having sexual experiences outside the relationship. This may cause us to feel extreme guilt and shame. We have to be compassionate with ourselves and recognize the powerful sources of these desires and feelings. We have to also realize that we will continue to have these desires for the rest of our lives. The key is truth and honesty. We first forgive ourselves for having these desires. They are what they are. There is no need for guilt. We have to forgive ourselves.
  4. At some point we will have to disclose our desires and actions to our heterosexual partners. We do not apologize for them or ask for forgiveness. We simply acknowledge them and the subsequent confusion and grief that may come from the partner. We become active listeners letting them ask their questions and confirming their feelings. We then focus on the relationship and see if both parties still want to maintain it and what changes that may involve. If we or the partner choose to leave the relationship, we do so expressing our love for them, wishing them the best and offering to support them in any way we can.
  5. We move on without guilt or shame. We may seek new relationships but we are always honest with potential new partners about our bisexuality showing no remorse or guilt. It is who we are and we ask the new partner to accept us just the way we are.

We remember that we are spiritual human beings, and we act and make decisions from the heart. Our sexuality is the desire of the heart to connect with people who can accept and love us just the way we are without shame, blame or guilt.

 

[1] https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth101472.html?src=t_forgiveness

 

[2] https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth121065.html

The Virtue of Truth vs Reality

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual Education1 Comment

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)How does one know and understand reality when all thoughts and decisions are governed by cultural influences? Reality involves the sensations that become perceptions as they are initially processed by the old brain. Then reality becomes a personal interpretation as the messages are sent on to the frontal cortex for second appraisal before action takes place. The old brain functions on instinct, including survival and reproduction. The reality is that every fully intact human being is capable of and tuned into being part of reproduction and the survival of the species. The sex part is biological and in a sense the reality, the gender part is very much what we make it. Therefore, truth is relevant to our perceptions and desires.We each have our own personal version of truth.

Is there a gay gene? Maybe, but probably not. Is there a genetic predisposition to being gay or lesbian? Definitely, but for bisexuals these predispositions seem to involve being more sensitive and vulnerable to circumstances in our environment which in turn leads us to engaging in a variety of sexual practices. We do not seem to bond well and therefore lack the system of controls that most people have.

One of the more fascinating studies on bonding and attraction was a study by Scheele et al[1] in which bonded males tended to avoid contact with attractive females under the influence of a nasal oxytocin spray,  whereas unattached males experienced greater attraction.  So what does this have to do with bisexuality?  It would suggest, at least to me, that bonding,   sexual attraction, and gender choice have to do with the presence of oxytocin. By far the majority of children are born with a oxytocin-based bonding process directed towards a person of the opposite sex so that normal reproduction can take place and the human race can be saved one more time. At some point in human development, perhaps even in the womb, the fetus or child forms a bond with the mother that results in the oxytocin mechanism being formed. So what happens if there is no bond, if the mother is experiencing extreme anxiety and is perhaps under the influence of the anxiety/survival masculine hormone of testosterone? Could this perhaps leave the gay male fetus with the need for a male bond or the lesbian fetus with the need for a female bond? Could it be that the bisexual is left without a definite bond for either male or female, and therefore open to attraction with whomever provides excitement and comfort? This, I believe could be the basis of the gay, lesbian or bisexual predisposition. For gays and lesbians they are seeking bonding with same sex partners but what about the bisexual?

When it comes to making decisions, the administration center of the frontal cortex becomes engaged in trying to sort out this sorry mess, leading to inconsistencies and confusion.  There is no strong definite message about attraction and seeking or preserving the partner bond, because the oxytocin urge defined by predisposition and bonding simply is not there. The bisexual does not have an oxytocin bond with his or her mate so has no inhibition or aversion to sexual contact with another individual.  Because there is no genetic same-sex-aversion oxytocin sensation, the bisexual is open to experiencing sexual pleasure with either males or females without any need or desire to bond.  This usually involves a ego or soul based desire to be faithful in a relationship with a psychological aversion to people of the same sex as the partner, and therefore, a feeling that it is okay to engage with sexual activities with the  sex different from the partner and still maintain a warped sense of being faithful. The drive is strictly pleasure based with a smattering of guilt and shame.  At his point it is simply a choice and the admin center makes the decisions based on the information available including the desire for pleasure from the body and the need for maintaining relationships and positions in society from the ego. Most of the time it is no contest – we choose pleasure.

So what has this got to do with Truthfulness? Simply put, we bisexuals have our own version of truth.  We are not bound by biological aversion controls. We are free to make our decision based on our desire, our need for sexual intimacy, and the cultural desire to please and be faithful to a partner.  The mind and body usually fight over the decisions on what is the greater need and the body often wins this argument with the mind. So where does this leave us in regards to truthfulness?

  1. First and foremost we have to be true to ourselves and recognize that these needs are often overpowering and we have no biological control mechanisms to make the decisions for us.
  2. We have to be conscious of our desires and why we have them. If we are going to be true to ourselves, we have to honor the cravings of our bodies. If our bodies absolutely need the excitement and comfort of these relationships, we have to create a life where these impulses are honored.
  3. If we have a need to create a mentally constructed relationship rather than a bonded relationship with one individual then we should do so. For us bisexuals we have to make a conscious decision on why we want to spend our lives with this person and not just rely on the non-existent bonding biological systems.
  4. We have to realize that our attraction for our partner is not biological bond-based and therefore will vary over time. However, our partner (unless they are bisexual) will have formed a biological oxytocin bond with us and will continue to experience strong sexual attraction for us and will be very uncomfortable with our situation based attraction for them. We have to consciously maintain our levels of attraction for them to accommodate their needs.
  5. We also have to realize that they are bonded to us and have an aversion for relationships with others. They will find it very difficult to understand why we do not respond in like manner.  In other words we have to continuously work on meeting their needs for attraction and security within what is to them a bonded relationship.

[1] Scheele D., Striepens N., Gunturkun O., Deutschlander S., Maier W., Kendrick K., and Hurlemann R.. Oxytocin Modulates Social Distance between Males and Females. Journal of Neuroscience 14 November 2012, 32 (46) 16074-16079; DOI: https://doi.org/10.1523/JNEUROSCI.2755-12.2012

 

Bisexuality Scientifically Supported

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)A friend of mine and a fellow psychologist, who is married to a woman but considers himself as strictly gay, has told me emphatically that there is no such thing as a bisexual. According to him, science indicates that you have to be either attracted to men or women but biologically you cannot be attracted to both. He bases his beliefs on the rat studies of the 1980’s involving the use or hormone injections and  more recent studies that seem to link gay or heterosexual orientation to the mother’s hormone production during pregnancy.  In either case, to him,  it seems to be either or, but not both.

However, nine million Americans who claim they are bisexual, or at least feel attraction to both men and women, cannot all be wrong. In a recent study (2011)[1] conducted in Northwestern University, researchers found “evidence that at least some men who identify themselves as bisexual are, in fact, sexually aroused by both women and men.” These findings overturn their earlier studies (2005). Using more stringent guidelines, the researchers recruited subjects from online bisexual venues. The  participants had to have had sexual experiences with at least two people of each sex and a romantic relationship of at least three months with at least one person of each sex. In both studies, men watched videos of male and female same-sex intimacy while genital sensors monitored their erectile responses. While the first study reported that bisexuals generally resembled homosexuals, the new one found that bisexual men responded to both the male and female videos. The earlier study suggested that bisexual attraction was due to subjective arousal rather than a genital response. The second study clearly showed that bisexual men did indeed have a genital response.

So what do these studies mean for us bisexuals? It is reassuring to know that we are indeed sexually aroused by both men and women (as if we didn’t know that already). For many years, I have been under the delusion that I was sexually (genital arousal) attracted to men but psychologically (subjective arousal) desired intimacy with women. This is simply not true. We cannot separate the two.  Arousal and desire for intimacy go together. Genital arousal leads to desire for intimacy and intimacy leads to genital arousal, whether it is with a man or a woman.

What has been confusing in the past is that my relationships with men were based on a quick fix, genital arousal with no subjective involvement, simply find a willing partner and engage, whereas my relationships with women demanded courtship and foreplay leading to intimacy and arousal. While I was married, I did a man thing; I compartmentalized. I got my gay fix (genital arousal) quick and easy and saved my moments of intimacy (subjective arousal) for love making with my wife. Because of the emotional intensity of my gay encounters, I came to the inevitable conclusion that my real drives were gay.  But this is simply not the case; it was merely my personal way to deal with my powerful sexual desires for both men and women.

So what is the solution? Simple me – I still think the answer is love. Find love and have sex, not have sex and perhaps find love. We seek intimacy and enjoy the genital arousal within the boundaries of a meaningful relationship. This can be with a man or a woman.  We are bisexual. This requires an open relationship where feelings and desires are open for honest discussion. And if we are not yet in an intimate relationship than it is perfectly fine and certainly enjoyable to experiment and have genital and subjective experiences with both men and women until the right person comes along.

 

[1] Rosenthat  A.M., Sylva D., Safron A., amd Bailey JM. .Sexual Arousal Patterns of Bisexual Men Revisited. Biol Psychol. 2011.

Moon Beams

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

Bisexuality, or any sexuality for that matter, longs for the touch of intimacy. The purpose of sex is to lead us to love. Spent the evening at Cattle Point, reading, waiting for the moon to rise over the waters of the Pacific. Then my wife and I took a long moonlit stroll along the beach. Great soul food and wonderful moments of intimacy.

Moon Beams

It peeks cautiously above the island,
Then steps up into the clouds,
Shedding its golden beams through the mists.
A golden boardwalk stretches out across the water,
Beckoning us to come and join in the celebration of light.

The warm Pacific waters bring a welcome coolness
After the heat of the day.
The wet sand caresses our bare feet,
As we watch the gulls and geese play across the water
In the fading light of day.

Our hands touch and our lips meet
As the feelings of togetherness expand,
Forcing a surge of love through our bodies,
As we feel the power of the moment
Joining us in eternal ecstasy.

Oh this is life, full life, powerful life, passionate life,
Filling, expanding, ever expanding,
From the power of one,
Into the power of two,
Into the power of everything that lives and breathes.
Yes this is life the way it was meant to be lived
In the fullness of togetherness.

LikeShow more reactions

Comment

Controlling Passion

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

Are bisexuals slaves to their passions?  Before we answer that question, we need to take another look at the nature of passion.  New information seems to be arriving daily, good solid scientific information about human neurology.

We are just beginning to understand the full power of the passion that comes from the old brain which operates on sensations and near instantaneous perceptions. These perceptions are formed by basic circuitry involving the hind brain, mid brain, and the hypothalamus and amygdala in the fore-brain. When a sensation comes in, we have about one tenth of a second to form a perception. Based on this perception, we simply ignore; we engage the Reticular System of fight, flight or freeze, or we enter the Limbic System which is the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification.

So what happens in the Limbic System when it comes to sexual gratification? It takes less than a second to perceive someone as attractive, and to enter into the first phase of arousal.  For most of us, this might mean mild interest, or for others, like us bisexuals with a heightened sexual sensitivity, we may already be engaging our hormones and releasing dopamine for hot pursuit. It is not until this stage that the frontal cortex kicks in.  The administration section simply re-evaluates on the basis of past experience and either gives the red light to cease and desist, or the green light to fully engage. The time for this decision-making is still somewhere in the range of just one to two seconds.

For most people this is an amber light which means proceed with caution, but for bisexuals, especially when in pursuit of a same sex encounter, we are already operating on full green. At this point the whole brain is functioning with full dopamine overload in pursuit of the opiates we feel from our dopamine, and testosterone/estrogen rush. This creates anxiety and the release of  the neuromodulator, cortisone, which prevents a change in the brain chemistry until the goal is achieved. There is no motivation for re-evaluation. We are hell-bent for orgasm.  This is passion at its basic old brain animal level.  But it is very real.

Which brings us to the second level of passion.  How do we build in a runaway lane for our out-of-control, fully-loaded semi on a downhill run?   The way to do that is to re-engage the neuromodulator, oxytocin, which results in increased serotonin and the reduction of dopamine. Wholistic Health Expert, Nancy Lee Bentley, provides us with some insight on how the dopamine/serotonin balance affects passion:

“Serotonin may actually be involved in the “love versus sex” divide. When serotonin is low, (and dopamine is high) researchers say, it also tends to increase sex drive; whereas higher serotonin levels are also associated with an increase in oxytocin, the so-called “love” hormone. This seems to reflect women’s preference for more bonding, cuddling and lovemaking versus men’s noted penchant for straight physical sex. Ample amounts of serotonin make for more “loving” feelings.”[1]

Contrary to popular opinion, men, especially bisexual men, also create the love-making hormone. It brings about a change in our perceptions and refocuses our intent on concern and pleasure for our partners rather than on orgasm itself.  We can start the process through intimate touch like an intense hug. This increases serotonin which in turn produces a sense of well being that reduces the anxiety brought on by cortisone. The administration section of the brain in now able to function again and re-evaluate on the basis of the greater good – the oxytocin/serotonin feeling of intimacy.

Whenever you are in pursuit of sex with a man or a woman learn to see the person as a potential soul mate rather than just a sex object. Seek intimate connection through non-sexual touch and experience the beginnings of a deeper level of passion. Learn to relax and enjoy intimate contact while it happens. If this passion leads to sexual intercourse, we can engage in the glow of oxytocin and serotonin and the endorphin afterglow that follows, free of stress and anxiety. We form neural pathways connecting these experiences to the pleasure mechanism of our brain. We refer to these connections as bonds, human to human bonds, that urge us on to deeper connection rather than just the dopamine rush  and withdrawal that leads to regret and possible shame.

When we learn to control the passion, I believe we begin to enjoy the journey, mutually and fully. We now employ sexual passion to lead us to intimate passion that can become the ultimate reward in our brain systems. This may or may not lead to sexual gratification because the goal is not the passion of the dopamine rush, but the glow of intimacy. This passion involves not only the genitals but also the heart. In other words, we have to use our sexuality to pursue the greater passion of intimacy that can lead to the greater pleasure of making love rather than just having sex.

Can these bonds with lovers exist within a monogamous (marriage or partnership) relationship? That is the question of the ages. More on that next week.

 

[1] Bentley, Nancy Lee. How Serotonin Affects Your Sex Drive. May 2014.  http://www.yourtango.com/experts/nancy-lee-bentley-wholistic-health-expert/how-serotonin-affects-your-sex-drive

 

Bisexuality – Seeking Greater Passion

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

cropped-2016-03-26_0931.pngWhat we all desire, in spite of our orientation, is not just sex, but passion. Sex is fine as long as we are enjoying it at the conscious level, and as long as the goal is not just orgasm for the sake of orgasm. If that is all we want, why not masturbate; it’s a lot less complicated. So what is passion? Sexual passion involves an exchange of sexual energy between two consenting adults for the purpose of mutual pleasure.

 

I think we can look at passionate sex at various levels. The first level is mutual orgasm. There is nothing wrong with orgasm; in fact, it is one of the greatest pleasures that human beings can experience. There is nothing wrong with wanting lots of it, every day or more than once a day, for that matter. There is nothing wrong with wanting it from the same sex and/or the heterosexual experience. All of these experiences can be a form of profound passion. Unfortunately, as stated in the previous blog, this pursuit of mutual orgasm for the sake of orgasm can become addictive for both partners. . Addictive sex involves a dopamine rush followed by dopamine withdrawal and negative feelings associated with that withdrawal that can lead to a strain on the relationship.

 

In order to understand the difference between addiction to orgasm and passion, we need to look at one more neuromodulator, and that is cortisone. When there is a perception that there is something wrong or a possible threat with a sexual experience, the brain gives out a stress signal. The body reacts by emitting the hormone cortisone which influences the workings of dopamine and serotonin, putting them on hold until the crisis has passed. But in the case of a mental crisis, the crisis never comes to a conclusion, so the perceived threat just goes on and on. Too much cortisone for too long a period of time is a bad thing. It can lead to generalized anxiety and depression on the mental side, and increased blood pressure and diabetes and all that bad stuff on the physical side.

 

So how do you control cortisone?  Simply by taking the stress out of sex and altering the perception from threat, shame, and guilt brought on by focus on orgasm, to the mindful pursuit of pleasure through our senses. This includes the natural body aromas that involve the increasing levels of pheromones, the taste of our lover’s body, the sounds of our lover’s passion, and the sight of our lover’s beautiful body. Above all we explore the wonderful sensations of touch, which brings us to tantric sex. Tantric sex is an ancient Hindu practice that has been going for over 5,000 years, and means the weaving and expansion of energy. It’s a slow form of sex that’s said to increase intimacy and create a mind-body connection that can lead to powerful orgasms. To enjoy the full range of pleasures of tantric sex, we need to slow things down and enjoy the subtle pleasures of touch both receiving and giving. We do not focus on orgasm but on delaying orgasm for as long as possible as we enjoy the feedback from all our senses.

 

So what does this have to do with bisexuality? Everything. As bisexuals, we tend to engage in same sex relationships for pure pleasure (dopamine rush and opiates) and we engage with our heterosexual partner for intimacy and heart-based bonding (may be reversed but is rarer). We have an opportunity to explore our sexuality on various levels, but first we have to take control of our impulses and our frantic drives towards orgasm.

 

For us men this can be a problem as we are physically driven by the old brain to penetrate and ejaculate. Women are ahead of us in this. In order to reach orgasm they need to focus on the sensations of their bodies, especially touch. So bisexual men tend to seek other men for the powerful feelings associated with orgasm, while women seek women because of the focus on touch that can lead to a richer and prolonged orgasm, or even a better opportunity for multiple orgasms.

 

Women are already geared for tantric sex whereas men have to cultivate this skill, especially with other men, to avoid the sex and withdrawal and guilt cycle. Bisexual women, on the other hand, often find the same sex orgasmic experience so satisfying that this may lead to breakup of their heterosexual partnership. Again when the pleasure of sex with orgasm wears off, they often find themselves separated from the one they loved, and in the dopamine rush/withdrawal cycle that results in an unsatisfying relationship with their same sex partner.

 

So how do we escape these dilemmas? Simply put, rather than just focus on the pleasures of sex, we can use sex as a pathway to intimacy. The difficulty is in weaving intimacy into our relationships with both men and/or women, and thereby maintaining our bisexual nature. More of that in the next blog where we will explore the relationship between passion and play.

 

FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS THAT COME UP FOR YOU. I’M HAPPY TO ANSWER.