As bisexual individuals we have an opportunity to experience life, sex and love in ways beyond the imaginations of the heterosexual majority. The key is to move away from the traps of sexuality as associated with the ego and the pains of the past, and move into living in the moment and living by the heart. In other words we have to learn to follow the path to full heart sexuality by seeking the greater pleasures of love rather than the lesser pleasure of sensuality and orgasm based sex. According to Elizabeth Lesser, in her book, Unbroken, “The way of the heart — that inner instinct that draws us creatively into the chaos of life – is ironically the way out of confusion, anxiety and suffering.”
For the next few blogs I want to look at some of the insights presented by Marnia Robinson in her book, Peace Between the Sheets. In her first chapter she talks about the brain chemistry involved in the basic sexual drive. Here is a summary of her theories:
“The limbic system of the brain, also known as the primitive brain, is programmed to produce a neurochemical buzz that compels us to pursue orgasmic sex, whatever the consequences.”
“Orgasm causes subsequent physiological changes that can easily last two weeks”
“Orgasm can lead to a shift in perception that often makes our partner less appealing and may make us want to bolt.”
“Ancient teachers of sacred sexuality warn than orgasm has negative consequences such as feeling drained, irritability, energy imbalance, health problems, and, most significantly, a growing aversion to one’s sexual partner. They suggest techniques for avoiding ejaculation. “[1]
So how does this apply to bisexuality? First of all, the thought of avoiding ejaculation for men and orgasm for women at first seems to be a deal-ender right there, doesn’t it? After all, is that not what sex is all about, especially for men, and especially for us bisexual men who pursue orgasm like the sacred path to ultimate pleasure.
That is our other brain talking, the primitive brain, whose two major drives are to survive and to reproduce. When we refer to the drive to survive, we are referring to the reticular system involving the flight or fight mechanism, and when we are referring to the drive to reproduce, we are referring to the limbic system. Both are powerful, instinctual drives that form our natural impulse system. As humans, these drives involve the pleasure/reward center found in the fore-brain which forms the motivation impulses associated with the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine, and the pleasure response associated with the endorphins. In other words our brains are designed for the purpose of procreation and the survival of the human race, and we have a built in reward systems driven to orgasm. For men this is ejaculation and for women it is the contractions that propel the sperm toward the egg in the uterus. In turn, orgasm produces an oxytocin rush that emanates from the female and is absorbed by and combined with a matching dose from the male. It is designed to produce the sensation we call bonding which can be referred to as one form of love. In itself this is a beautiful, divinely inspired system aimed at the birthing of a new human being.
Okay, so what is wrong with orgasm? I believe that this whole process is based on conception. Once conception takes place a second wave of oxytocin is released and then a third at the birthing of the child. These releases reinforce the bond and bring love and harmony between the man and the woman. I think you might agree that the closest you have ever felt to your mate, or to anyone for that matter, is probably during pregnancy. So what happens if there is no conception, especially after several sessions of love making? I believe, like Robinson, that the primitive brain takes over and begins “a process of rejecting the mate causing tension and irritability and a shift in perception that makes our partner less appealing and may make us want to bolt”. In the short term this is due to the neurotransmitter prolactin which combines with the dopamine rush and then withdrawal to create a mini manic depressive cycle. In the long term, our systems eventually wear out and we want out for good.
But as human beings we are more than just our primitive brain. We have a wonderful ability from the outer cortex to store and control images and form thoughts and feelings. In other words we build a story around sex that becomes a higher form of love. Our sexual partner becomes important, not just for fertilization, but as a person with a mind and a soul that we find fascinating and a source of self-actualization and intimacy. The sex then takes on a new meaning as we seek to harmonize our souls and our spirits through the sensuous powers of the moment. We seek to build relationship that uses the energy or passion of sex as a reinforcement to our love for our partner.
That brings us to the Love Story. More on that next week.
[1] Robinson, Marnia. Peace Between the Sheets. Frog Ltd, Berkeley California,2004.(page 24).
Bi-Ed: Bisexual Education 