Category: Sexual addiction

Impulsivity, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bisexuality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)(This is the fifth in the series on the relationship between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder [BPD]. In previous blogs, we have established a link between BPD and bisexuality, and we have looked at three symptoms for BPD on the DSM4: symptom 1 –  fear of abandonment, symptom 2 – unstable relationships, and symptom 3 – identity disturbance or poor self-concept.)

Today we want to look at symptom 4, which is “impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, Substance Abuse, reckless driving, binge eating”). The DSM5 places impulsivity under pathological personality traits and under the subcategory of disinhibition. Some of the words used to define impulsivity are: “Acting on the spur of the moment; difficulty establishing or following plans; and self-harming behavior under emotional distress”.

When we look at the literature, stress seems to be the primary factor leading to impulsive behavior[1], especially among women with BPD[2]. A review of the literature by Gagnon[3] identified two neuropsychological diagnostic criterions: a preference for immediate gratification and discounting for delayed rewards, and a failure to properly process feedback information and to monitor action in decision making.

So what does this mean? In my case, stress was a huge factor in my life. Whenever I felt overwhelmed by circumstances, I would seek out excitement and pleasure, and preferably a combination of both. My outlet was gay sex. It was the only stimulus that could bring my anxiety to a climax and allow by body to get into the parasympathetic system again. This was the only way I could relax for a few moments and build up enough courage to go on living. During this time, I would shut down all my evaluation processes. I even preferred unsafe sex in unsafe places. It was like I needed the extra excitement provided by the dangerous behavior and perhaps I was unconsciously seeking death to end my anxieties once and for all. There was no thought of consequences. I just needed my fix.

Neurologically what was happening was that my brain was not necessarily making bad choices; it was making the only choice available at that time. It was either crash and die or take action to activate the pleasure center of my brain and restore the chemical balance needed to survive. So my impulsive behavior was very specific. It was the only area in my life that I took chances. For most people with BPD, impulse might be in other areas of risk but the process is probably the same. For us bisexuals with BPD, I would wager that most of our impulsive behavior is related to sex.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. We need a life strategy for dealing with stress. What works for me is  usually a quiet time in my gardens, or a nature walk through the forest, or  some time on my bench by the sea. The key is to find our special place and plan to use it as needed.
  2. If we have difficulties with non-stress related impulsivity, we can try to build in a buffer between thought and action. We can learn to develop a warning sign system and employ it on a regular basis. We can practice asking these questions: Is this something I really want to do? Is it safe? Can I live with the consequences?
  3. We can try to take our partner into consideration. The second level of questioning should be to ask if our actions will harm or emotionally hurt someone else, especially someone we love and share our life with.
  4. We may wish to spend time with our partner or with a bisexual friend, trusting them with our desires, asking them for help in evaluating our  impulses,  and building our thought and behavior control mechanisms.
  5. Impulses are not necessarily bad. We have been given a spirit of adventure. If is safe, does not cause harm to anyone, and we can live with the consequences, we are free to enjoy.

 

[1] Cackowski, S.; Reitz, AC; Kliendienst, N.; Schmahl, C.; and Krause-Utz, A.; Impact of stress on different components of impulsivity in borderline personality disorder. Psychol Med. 2014 Nov;44(15):3329-40. doi: 10.1017/S0033291714000427. Epub 2014 Mar 6.

[2] Aquglia, A; Mineo, L.;Rodolico, A.; Signorelli MS; and Aquglia E. Asenapine in the management of impulsivity and aggressiveness in bipolar disorder and comorbid borderline personality disorder: an open-label uncontrolled study. Int Clin Psychopharmacol. 2018 May;33(3):121-130. doi: 10.1097/YIC.0000000000000206.

[3] Gagnon, Jean. Review Article Defining Borderline Personality Disorder Impulsivity: Review of Neuropsychological Data and Challenges that Face Researchers. Department of Psychology, Journal of Psychiatry and Psychological Disorders. Volume 1, Issue 3. June 2017,

Bisexuality and the Problem with Statistics

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Are you tired of statistics on bisexuality? I am. Yet another survey has shown that bisexuality is on the rise, especially among women[1]. A whopping 17.4% in the current survey have had some bisexual contact compared with 14.2% in the 2006-2010 survey. Higher numbers of both women and men identified as bisexual, 5.5% of women and 2% of men, compared with 3.9% and 1.2% respectively in the last survey. And you can be sure that number is higher for men as most of us to not want to disclose our bisexual tendencies.

So what? Why do we want to know that there are more and more of us? It reminds me of the Matrix Trilogy where Agent Smith keeps reproducing himself by thrusting his hand into someone’s chest. In the case of us bisexuals, we thrust our hand into someone’s pants and avoid the heart. It is time to step back and realize that we are all more than just programs in a worldwide sex-video game. Quite frankly I have no desire to just be another Agent Smith.

It seems that everyone wants to get in on the act. International popular TV series have taken up the torch. Bisexuality needs to be understood, and by god, they are going to show us what it is really like. However, this is not some glamorous Hollywood show where networks are competing with each other to see who can get the most views by depicting yet another example of bisexuality where marriages are broken and people are murdered because of unnatural passion. And quite frankly, I no longer want to compete with other bloggers to see who can get the most views on bisexuality. I do not want my life and my mind and my soul reduced to a statistic or another episode, book, or blog.

Did you know that only one of forty-six chromosomes is dedicated to male or female sexuality, and they cannot even find a half a chromosome, or for that matter, even one of twenty-five thousand genes, that can be nailed down for same seek attraction?  And yet sex, especially bisexual sex, seems to be a preoccupation of our western world, and it seems everyone is now encouraged to experiment with same sex attraction.

Women seem to be more attracted to same sex experimentation. When women engage in sex, their brains lights up like a Christmas tree as the pleasure center, the Nucleus Accumbens, is immediately activated, connecting with the sensory processing lobes, particularly the somatic processor which is associated with touch. Women are lucky, they immediately experience the pleasure. They take a little longer to get wound up which allows for more pleasure and more time for intimacy or attunement with their sex partner. This also allows for a second level of appraisal, and therefore,they are more likely to say “no” even after arousal.  Why do almost one in five women give up on sex with  men as their main source of sexual pleasure? Could it be that they are looking for more than sharing the “rush” provide by men? Could they be looking for something “deeper” (pardon the puns)? Could they be looking for the kind of intimate attunement that is much easier to get with another woman?

For us bisexual men, the pleasure sensation is delayed as the sexual rush is connected with the dopamine drive and the powerful emotions from the Limbic System. We get our pleasure by reaching our goal through orgasm, and only then does the Nucleus Accumbens suddenly connect with all the sensory processors to create a powerful pleasure surge similar to a hit of heroine. There is very little desire for intimacy as it merely delays the rush we so desire, but we do play along with our female partners hoping for the additional rush of mutual orgasm. When we are with men, it is all about the drive. And quite frankly, once another man touches our penis, we are literally driven to seek that hit.  We have our own built in addiction center. Sex is so simple with men. There are no mind games. There is no desire to delay orgasm because our pleasure is not in the play but in the outcome. We can just close our eyes and enjoy the anticipation of the oncoming rush with no thoughts of anyone else. There is no waiting for a partner. No guilt if the partner does not orgasm. It is so reassuring to know that once the game is on  our male sex partners have no intention of saying “wait” or  ”no”.

For many of us bisexual men, especially if we are married or in a relationship with a woman, gay sex becomes guilt and is compounded by addiction withdrawal. Our addiction demands that we do it again. However, our tortured minds are trying desperately to control our drives. The only thing that can stop our addiction is the prefrontal cortex, particularly the orbitofrontal cortex, but quite frankly, once the drive is on, it is very ineffective.  But it is our source of second evaluation, or as Freud would say, our super ego or our conscious. It attempts to employ checks and balances to prevent same-sex arousal, halt addiction, and regain control over our sexual impulses. It employs cultural and religious beliefs that come in the form of layer upon layer of mind sets shaped by past negative experiences that involve shame and guilt. In order to gain control, it has to compartmentalize; it has to put sex back into its Pandora’s Box.  As bisexuals, we have to willingly choose to place our sexual drives in a nice safe compartment that we can access when appropriate so that we are not raping and pillaging or spending all our waking hours in bathhouses.

If we choose to fight the addiction, we may eventually arrive at the conclusion that we are much more than the oxytocin and hormonal impulses coming from our genitals. This realization has the power to bring us to our higher self, our soul, to a deeper level of living. Our spiritual desire and spiritual energy can then be put in control of our impulses so we can generate ideas and thoughts and beliefs to make this world a better place, something a bit more than a worldwide video game where the winner is the one who can screw the most people during a life span.

Sorry for the rant. But for us bisexuals who were born with our bisexual impulses, this is not a game or something to experiment with. This a very powerful part of our mental and physical anatomy. We really do need to control it or it will destroy us. Personally it has literally screwed up my life. I wanted to be a good husband and a good father and, in fact, I was a great husband and a great father for 33 years before everyone I cared about suddenly knew I enjoyed having sex with other men. I lost my marriage and respect from my children which, quite frankly, were more important to me than another same sex orgasm. So let’s not glamorize this thing. Let’s not encourage more and more young people to experiment with bisexuality. If they are bisexual, they will know it because it is so powerful that it will eventually come out into the open. For us, sex is not just another source of pleasure that we can experiment with. So there is no rejoicing here to learn that other men and women are experimenting with bisexuality. Getting involved with bisexual men and women is like playing with fire. We have to take the box of matches away from the juveniles.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals:

  1. For those of you who are thinking about experimenting with bisexuality – you don’t have to experiment. If you are gay, lesbian, or bisexual, you will know it without experimenting. Even if you are seriously considering it, it probably means you are bisexual. You still have a choice. The question is do you really want to start a bisexual lifestyle with all the issues it will bring into your life? Think it through. Done the right way, it can be a very powerful and satisfying life choice.; done poorly can lead to a great deal of pain.
  2. For those of us who are truly bisexual my advice is TO BE CAREFUL, and that does not just mean having safe sex.
  3. Care for yourself and have the courage to make the right decisions that will lead to a more conscious and more joyful way of life.
  4. Beware of the addictive powers of casual sex. Avoid porn, sex shops and other places that you can get a quick fix.
  5. Listen to the voice of your higher self. Seek relationship. It can be a man or a woman or both, but it has to involve relationship. Look for love.

[1]. Copen, Casey E Chandra; Anjani; and Febo-Vazquez, Isaedmarie. Sexual Behavior, Sexual Attraction, and Sexual Orientation Among Adults Aged 18–44 in the United States: Data From the 2011–2013 National Survey of Family Growth Division of Vital Statistics. National Health Statistics Reports Number 88, January 7, 2016

 

 

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Discernment

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)So how do we know? How do we sort through all the data coming in and all the thoughts and judgments going out? How do we discern what is real and what is just what we want to believe? How do we answer the big questions that can help us break through to a life of peace and joy? Is there a God? Is there any meaning and purpose to life? Am I gay or bisexual or just a lost soul searching for intimacy?

Linda Popov in her book, A Pace of Grace, says this about the art and virtue of discernment:

“Discernment is quieting our minds and sensing the truth about things. It is being contemplative and vigilant in seeking to understand what is true.  We are able to make distinctions between what is real and what is illusion…. We trust our inner vision to recognize what is right for us in this moment. We observe, decide, and act with wisdom.”[1]

Before we get started on this, remember that in order for an idea or ideal to become a virtue, it takes a lot of hard work. We have to practice, practice, and practice until it becomes natural, until it becomes a way of life. So let’s look at how to do this from three perspectives: recognizing the inner voice from the higher self, understanding the difference between the voice of the ego or mind and the voice of the higher self, and recognizing and understanding the other voices around us, and let’s practice using the virtue of discernment to accomplish this. We will do this in three blogs, starting this week with recognizing the voice of the higher self and how this applies to bisexuality.

First of all, how do we recognize the inner voice and how can we be sure this is not just another illusion from the mind? Regarding the latter, you may never know for sure that the higher self even exists. Bummer eh? Not really, you see there is a caveat on that. The reason we can never know for certain is that we are trying to find something that does exist but cannot be recognized through rational mind processes, so the mind will always be in doubt and will want to take over to protect us from believing or doing something that it regards as dangerous or foolish. So how can we get past that? We hush the mind. The very fact that we can consciously hush the mind proves in itself that there is a higher self.

Once in this state that we can call mindfulness, the inner truth from the inner self will begin to appear. We will simply become aware of our self as part of a world of peace and beauty. Do we have to meditate to do this? Not really. For many it is a good and sound practice, but it is not for everyone. Personally,  I get into my higher self not by stillness but by engaging, by walking and feeling, by staring at a thing of beauty until a feeling of oneness and peace flows through my brain and body, or by engaging my body, rather than my mind, in walking or working in  my garden. This can only happen when I am alone or sharing moments with a special someone without talk or mental interaction.

The next step is simply to listen without engaging in rational thought. For example, when I am opening my soul to the sounds of the forest, I do not try to name or describe what I hear, I just experience it. Same thing applies to my inner voice.  I do not question it or judge it, I just open my whole self to listen. The inner voice is never judging, never striving or conniving.  It always reminds me of how beautiful I am and how precious I am as a source of goodness in this chaotic world. It is as though the inner-self is in communication with the universe, or perhaps, even the person of a sentient god that is imparting the wisdom of the ages to me simply because I am still and seeking guidance. Perhaps it is just from the higher self, itself, that intuitively knows what is best for me. Again,  we do not engage in this mental gymnastics; we simply accept the sensations and the feelings that accompany those sensations.

The third step is to open up the ego-mind and ask the higher self to impart words of wisdom. We simply allow the ego mind to express its fears and concerns and listen to whatever wisdom the higher self wants to impart. We can then allow the ego-mind to specifically ask for wisdom in dealing with a particular situation as long as it sits back and listens without interruption or judgement. The inner voice of the higher self will always speak to us, and the message will always be positive showing insight and a broader understanding of the meaning and purpose behind the circumstances.  We can allow the ego-mind to keep questioning and listening until we feel comfortable with the words  of wisdom from the higher self. We then direct the ego to accept the wisdom and make plans for putting this wisdom into action.

Here are my five thoughts on how the virtue of discernment applies to bisexuality:

  1. Because we are so self-judging, believing ourselves to be unworthy, and blaming ourselves for being unlovable, it can be difficult to accept a higher self that regards us as beautiful and superior beings. We simply recognize the thought and say “I am worthy. I am beautiful.” Then relax again practicing deep breathing until we can open ourselves up to our higher self.
  2. Because we have always focused on imperfections and what we have judged as faults and failures, we may have to seek healing from our higher self or perhaps the great love energy of god or the universe. To do this we open up our ego to express its fears, and then we turn to our higher self and ask it to give us the truth from its higher view of things. It will never judge our ego and will always show us that our actions were a result of the pains of the past and that we have done the best we could under the circumstances. It will then show us the path to self-acceptance and a higher course of action.
  3. As bisexuals, most of us have suffered from some sort of generalized anxiety, and we have always been able to find a sense of peace, or perhaps just plain exhaustion, by engaging in sexual experiences. As a result, it may have become a kind of addiction, a source of relief from the anxiety, and of course, we are reluctant to give it up. Therefore, we have a tendency to avoid the higher self, because we fear that we may have to change our behavior patterns, and we simply do not think we have the energy to try  again. Guess what? Surprise! The higher self will never condemn or blame and will never ask us to give up our sexual practices.  It will simply show us how to incorporate those practices into a more positive experience in tune with its sense of, deeper meaning, beauty, and joy.
  4. By going through this process we inevitable come to a point where we can view our sexual practices as a means to achieving intense sensations that lead to intense feelings, that lead to love of our bodies, and to experiencing all the joys it can share with us.
  5. Finally it will always lead us through sexuality into the deeper experiences of intimacy. The higher self wants to join the body in experiencing love in all its forms and to bring the body, mind and soul into intimate connection with others.

 

[1] Popov, Linda Kavelin. A Pace of Grace. Plume: 2004 (page 62).

Understanding the Bisexual Man

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

An excerpt from my book “Bi – A Bisexual Man’s Transformational Journey”.

 

For everyone out there that is confused by bisexual behavior, it is helpful to try to understand what it’s like to be a bisexual. Prior to the 1980’s when I was growing up, bisexuality was considered just a transition stage from heterosexual to being gay. It was not until the mid-1980’s that science took a serious look at bisexuality because of the AIDS epidemic that was spreading from the gay to the heterosexual population. Most of us did not see the third choice; our struggle was between being gay or staying heterosexual and trying to live a “normal” life.

In my experience, bisexual men, particularly men with a feminine side to the gay side of their personality, seem to experience greater levels of social anxiety during childhood and adolescence, which coupled with their feminine enhanced psychological nature, makes them vulnerable to rejection, particularly by fathers, older brothers, and by potential male friends at school and in the community. Some cover it over by trying to hide behind a strictly masculine persona. Either way, they often grow into adults with serious issues related to their sexuality.

What is it like to be a bisexual man and what is the relationship, if any, between bisexual orientation, social trauma, and mental illness? It is not easy for bisexuals to deal with their gay side. A study by Susan Cochran[1], indicated that gay and bisexual men have significantly higher rates of major and recurrent depression, generalized anxiety, mood disorders, and higher rates of suicidal thoughts. Contrary to popular belief, this new generation is not coping any better. Research indicates that the bisexual population in American high schools has grown to three to six percent with an additional three percent who are unsure of their sexual orientation[2]. About one in four experience bouts of depression and attempts at suicide.

The occurrence of mental issues is even higher for married bisexual men. How does a married bisexual man with children deal with compulsive overwhelming drives that compel him to engage in behaviours that he knows will destroy his life and his marriage? They have to deal with the issues of the gay side of their sexuality while trying to maintain their social heterosexual image. The occurrence of suicide is very high; however, the exact numbers are difficult to establish, because the bisexual motivation for suicide is often concealed from the public eye. Bisexual men appear to have anxieties that may last a lifetime.

Most bisexuals that I have interviewed do not allow themselves the privilege of open and carefree gay sex. They avoid gay relationships because intimate friendships may interfere with their heterosexual lives. They seek out places for anonymous encounters, such as parks and bathhouses, where they may engage in multiple sexual acts on any given day or night. They make anonymous contacts through gay dating services and pickup gay bars. They do not care if these encounters result in intimacy or relationship. They just need gay sex as a release valve for their suppressed gay desires. Based on my observations, many bisexual men continue to lead this life until they reach a crisis point brought on by discovery of their lifestyle by their spouse, or by reaching a point where they crash and have to make the decision to accept their gay orientation and seek a relationship with another man.

In my experience, the bisexual person not only has to deal with typical gay issues, but he also has to face the mental issues brought on by repression and denial. In extreme cases, this repression can lead to a gender identity disorder which seems to involve a significant segment of the bisexual population. I believe the term “sexual identity disorder” does not exist in isolation; it has to be included as part of a personality disorder where a person denies their own identity with their own wants and needs. The sexual orientation then becomes an impossible complication to their already fragile identity.

My observations suggest that the bisexual man frequently has no self-identity or has two conflicting identities. He tends to use his gay orientation as a means of self-abuse, self-punishment, and self-destruction. Because he cannot face his true sexual identity, his sexual drive may become a compulsion that is based on fear and the subconscious emotional pain from denial and repression. This may lead to an addiction where there is only one stimulus available that can break through the hopeless feelings of self-imposed withdrawal, and that is to seek out another gay sexual rush. This compulsion, if unchecked, will eventually lead to sexual addiction, with a cycle of stimulation, action and then withdrawal, which can eventually lead to a mental collapse and suicidal desires.

[1] Cochran, 2002.

[2] Center of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC),2016

Bisexuality – Sexual Addiction or Passion

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Is your bisexual sex drive a passion or an addiction?  It depends on whether you control the drive or the drive controls you.  In his book Scattered Minds[1], Gabor Mate talks about the nature of addictions.  He states that “the real object of addiction is the thrill of plunging into the behavior, not the love of it…. The addiction, in a strange way, makes the addict feel more connected to life” (page 302). He goes on to note that the brains of people who are prone to addiction are biologically predisposed by some imbalance of brain chemicals particularly caused by under supply of dopamine and endorphins. This chemical deficiency, and the empty space that goes with it, creates a constant source of anxiety. Addiction is therefore a drive to overcome anxiety and generate and experience the excitement and pleasure of a dopamine/endorphin rush.

I believe some of us bisexuals with addicted personalities often have no idea what our true needs are, and we use sex as a means to overcome our feelings of worthlessness and poor self-concept. We need to feel wanted, even if it is just for a few hours with someone we may never see again. These feelings are the product of implicit memories developed in our years from conception to around age two. They are buried somewhere in the subconscious mind. So how do we overcome these feelings that seem to be beyond the  control of our minds? How do we turn unhealthy addiction into healthy pleasure seeking passion? Quite simply we focus on and take control of our sex drive instead of letting it control us.

The first step is to strive for ownership in what Mate calls “compassionate curiosity”. It requires that we get rid of our defenses and explore and accept ourselves with courage and honesty. This includes our negative thoughts and feelings that are at the basis of our drives. We can focus on our behaviours and the feeling related to them by consciously seeking to know and understand them. We do not judge our behaviors but we simply accept them and try to understand the feelings that accompany them. We watch to make sure that the nature of the inquiries are carried out with a caring and loving tone.

The second step is self-accepting. That means owning the unconscious pain that comes from the implicit memories that come with the feelings. We have to get in touch with our unconscious griefs, which may be the truest part of our inner self. We embrace the griefs, own them, and acknowledge their importance in making us who we are. We also study our anxiety patterns and welcome them as a guide to doing something about our negative inner feelings. We follow the path to the cause of the anxiety and re-examine the way we perceive and think about things. We then take ownership and control of our situation thereby releasing the major cause of the anxiety.

Nor do we run away from guilt but accept it as a natural product of our desire to hold onto the relationships that we have sensed as essential. Our fragile inner child  wants to please significant people in our lives and therefore experiences a sense of shame when we are doing something that we believe will isolate us from that relationship.We must control the guilt feelings not just give in to them. We acknowledge the guilt and learn to live with it but make a conscious decision not to dance to its tune. If we are partnered, we need to have an open relationship. Secrecy will just lead to guilt again as we shift our shame and guilt from our parents to our partner. It helps to have a partner that understands our needs and accepts them as part of the person we are.   We have to love our self and understand our needs and do what is necessary to live a life where we control shame and guilt.

The third step is not to punish ourselves for what we are thinking and doing but to be kind and compassionate with ourselves. Even though we set out to make positive changes, there may be failures.  We can choose to perceive them as not as failures but as an exploration of our feelings and desires. We can also leave some room to occasionally give in to our compulsions, especially when resisting them seems to drain us of our ability to function, but we do so at a conscious level.  It is a choice we make, a choice we have a right to make.  We can then look at the results of the choice and try to gain some insight on why we felt the compulsion and the effect it has had on our heart and soul.

Above all, we have to have fun. We have to build in opportunities to have a good laugh at and with ourselves. A night on the town to indulge our need for a dopamine/endorphin rush is not the end of the world. We acknowledge the need, make a decision to go with it and go out and have a great time. There will be lots of time to look at our behaviour and make plans to meet our needs in healthier ways tomorrow.

[1] Mate, Gabor. Scattered Minds. Vintage Canada. 2012

Bisexuality – Seeking Greater Passion

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cropped-2016-03-26_0931.pngWhat we all desire, in spite of our orientation, is not just sex, but passion. Sex is fine as long as we are enjoying it at the conscious level, and as long as the goal is not just orgasm for the sake of orgasm. If that is all we want, why not masturbate; it’s a lot less complicated. So what is passion? Sexual passion involves an exchange of sexual energy between two consenting adults for the purpose of mutual pleasure.

 

I think we can look at passionate sex at various levels. The first level is mutual orgasm. There is nothing wrong with orgasm; in fact, it is one of the greatest pleasures that human beings can experience. There is nothing wrong with wanting lots of it, every day or more than once a day, for that matter. There is nothing wrong with wanting it from the same sex and/or the heterosexual experience. All of these experiences can be a form of profound passion. Unfortunately, as stated in the previous blog, this pursuit of mutual orgasm for the sake of orgasm can become addictive for both partners. . Addictive sex involves a dopamine rush followed by dopamine withdrawal and negative feelings associated with that withdrawal that can lead to a strain on the relationship.

 

In order to understand the difference between addiction to orgasm and passion, we need to look at one more neuromodulator, and that is cortisone. When there is a perception that there is something wrong or a possible threat with a sexual experience, the brain gives out a stress signal. The body reacts by emitting the hormone cortisone which influences the workings of dopamine and serotonin, putting them on hold until the crisis has passed. But in the case of a mental crisis, the crisis never comes to a conclusion, so the perceived threat just goes on and on. Too much cortisone for too long a period of time is a bad thing. It can lead to generalized anxiety and depression on the mental side, and increased blood pressure and diabetes and all that bad stuff on the physical side.

 

So how do you control cortisone?  Simply by taking the stress out of sex and altering the perception from threat, shame, and guilt brought on by focus on orgasm, to the mindful pursuit of pleasure through our senses. This includes the natural body aromas that involve the increasing levels of pheromones, the taste of our lover’s body, the sounds of our lover’s passion, and the sight of our lover’s beautiful body. Above all we explore the wonderful sensations of touch, which brings us to tantric sex. Tantric sex is an ancient Hindu practice that has been going for over 5,000 years, and means the weaving and expansion of energy. It’s a slow form of sex that’s said to increase intimacy and create a mind-body connection that can lead to powerful orgasms. To enjoy the full range of pleasures of tantric sex, we need to slow things down and enjoy the subtle pleasures of touch both receiving and giving. We do not focus on orgasm but on delaying orgasm for as long as possible as we enjoy the feedback from all our senses.

 

So what does this have to do with bisexuality? Everything. As bisexuals, we tend to engage in same sex relationships for pure pleasure (dopamine rush and opiates) and we engage with our heterosexual partner for intimacy and heart-based bonding (may be reversed but is rarer). We have an opportunity to explore our sexuality on various levels, but first we have to take control of our impulses and our frantic drives towards orgasm.

 

For us men this can be a problem as we are physically driven by the old brain to penetrate and ejaculate. Women are ahead of us in this. In order to reach orgasm they need to focus on the sensations of their bodies, especially touch. So bisexual men tend to seek other men for the powerful feelings associated with orgasm, while women seek women because of the focus on touch that can lead to a richer and prolonged orgasm, or even a better opportunity for multiple orgasms.

 

Women are already geared for tantric sex whereas men have to cultivate this skill, especially with other men, to avoid the sex and withdrawal and guilt cycle. Bisexual women, on the other hand, often find the same sex orgasmic experience so satisfying that this may lead to breakup of their heterosexual partnership. Again when the pleasure of sex with orgasm wears off, they often find themselves separated from the one they loved, and in the dopamine rush/withdrawal cycle that results in an unsatisfying relationship with their same sex partner.

 

So how do we escape these dilemmas? Simply put, rather than just focus on the pleasures of sex, we can use sex as a pathway to intimacy. The difficulty is in weaving intimacy into our relationships with both men and/or women, and thereby maintaining our bisexual nature. More of that in the next blog where we will explore the relationship between passion and play.

 

FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS THAT COME UP FOR YOU. I’M HAPPY TO ANSWER.

Bisexuality – Passion or Addiction

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2016-03-26_0931Now that our relationship hurts and pains are under control, we can get back to gender and sexual orientation issues. In the past, those hurts and pains may have led to compulsive or even addictive sexual behaviors. All forms of compulsion and addiction are destructive and filled with negative energy. We have to turn that energy to the positive side; we have to go from destructive compulsions and behaviors to instructive mental and heart-based patterns.  That means turning addiction into passion.

To do this we first have to understand or become conscious of compulsion and addiction. The best source of information that I have found on this topic is a book called In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate[1]. Even though his main focus is drug addiction, he also applies his theories to behavioral patterns, including some sections on sexual addiction. If you have similar experiences as I have had, you will feel these words hitting home:

“People jeopardize their lives for the sake of making the moment livable. Nothing sways them from the habit — not illness, not the sacrifice of love and relationship, not the loss of a mate, of all earthly goods, not the crushing of their dignity, not the fear of dying.”

“I (Alvin) get a high of some sort. Which lasts about three to five minutes (in our case, an hour or two), and then…you say to yourself, ‘Why did I do that?’ But then it’s too late. Something makes you keep doing it, and that’s what’s called addition.” [2]

“Cocaine (or in our case, sexual addiction), as we shall see, exerts its euphoric effect by increasing the availability of the reward chemical dopamine in key brain circuits, and this is necessary for motivation and for mental and physical energy.

“He (Aubrey) feels incomplete and incompetent as a person without the drug (or in our case, gay or lesbian sex) a self-concept that has nothing to do with his real abilities and everything to do with his formative experiences  as a child…and the sense that he was a failed human being were a part and parcel of his personality before he ever touched drugs (or as in our case, engaged in gay sex).[3]

“Dr. Sigmund Freud used cocaine (or as in our case, gay or lesbian sex) ‘to control his intermittent depressed moods, improve his general sense of well-being, help him to relax in intense social encounters, and just make him feel more like a man’.”[4]

Let’s put these quotes together and apply them directly to compulsive or addictive sex.

First of all, for bisexual men and women, this usually means a heterosexual primary relationship with a desire to engage in same-sex encounters and relationships.  Usually these sexual adventures have some degree of guilt and shame, or at the least, a sense that we are doing something that is not quite right. However, we are driven by our own desires to seek a deeper sexual experience that can give us a rush (dopamine drive) and to fill a kind of emptiness inside that seems to always be there just below the surface.  At times, when we feel down or trapped, these desires rise to the surface demanding a stimulus that can break us out of the blah mood.  When we engage in gay or lesbian sex, we feel the dopamine rush that leads to an opiate response (intense pleasure) and a hormonal drive (a mix of testosterone or estrogen and oxytocin). Throw in an Adrenalin rush because we feel we are walking into forbidden territory, and we have a powerful rush equivalent to a combined shot of ecstasy, cocaine and heroin. After a few encounters we are hooked on the rush provided by our own body chemicals. We become addicted.

At this point, we are caught in a dilemma: we need the rush to survive, but we feel obligated to our partner to stay in a monogamous relationship. Enter guilt and shame.  We now create a cycle of drive and withdrawal.  Our depressed desires become a major part of the feelings that trigger a compulsion for another same-sex encounter.  We now are aware of the possible consequences of our sexual behavior but we feel powerless to stop. The power of the relationship with our spouse or partner begins to fade, and we become more and more addicted. Eventually, we realize we can no longer control the behavior, but we feel we have to get out of the relationship because we cannot deal with the dishonesty and shame. If we are brave enough, we come out to our partner with a willingness to live with the consequences.  If we are not brave enough, we get careless hoping the spouse will discover our behavior and make the decision for us.

At the bottom of all this, there is usually a root cause that goes back to a traumatic event or wound suffered during early childhood. In other words, we were an addiction just waiting to happen.  This brings us back to the inner healing which we have discussed in the previous blogs.  If the wounds of the past have now been healed, the key now is to become conscious of the addictive behavior, detach the thought and behavior patterns from the root cause, and consciously reattach them to positive circuitry.  In other words,we take control of our own behavior. We are honest with ourselves and our partners, and we make the decisions that will be best for both of us. We are now free to change addiction to passion and begin to enjoy our sexual bodies without shame, guilt, and compulsion. More on that in the next blog.

[1] Mate, Gabor. In the Realm of Hingry Ghosts. Knopf Canada, 2010.

[2] Mate, page 31.

[3] Mate, page 40.

[4] Gay, Peter. Freud a Life for our Time. W.W. Norton, 1998. (page 444).

Bisexuality – May the Force Be With You

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logo_2Like most men my age, I am a die hard Star Wars fan.  Kind of hurts to see Leia and Han looking older. Apparently, the force does not keep us young. According to Dr. Max Planck, one of the founding fathers of Quantum Physics, “All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force…. We must assume that behind this force a conscious and intelligent mind exists.  This mind is the matrix of all matter.”   One of the main themes in the movie series is “The Force”, which presents us with a bunch of questions.   Is it a reality?  I think so, and if so, what is it? How can this apply to our daily lives? What does this have to do with sexuality? And in particular what does it have to do with Bisexuality?

I am just completing a heavy book called The Energy Healing Experiments by Gary Schwartz[1] .  Gary is a PHD researcher from the University of Arizona. He is the Director of its Laboratory for Advances in Consciousness and Health.  He and his colleagues have carried out scientific research with energy fields (the force?) and consciousness (Jedi mind control?) Perhaps the force within us is what we call our “spirits”, and perhaps our spirits and what contemporary physics calls “energy” are in a deep sense one and the same. Over the next few weeks we will be looking at this whole area of energy and how it affects bisexuality.  For today let’s just look at energy itself, its nature and its effects on our bodies.

According to Schwartz, our bodies are forms of energy that generate electromagnetic energy waves. These waves seem to emanate from the whole body, perhaps through the water molecules in our living cells[2].  Various organs, or systems generate specific waves.  For example brain waves can be picked up on an EEG; whereas, heart waves (five times more powerful) are displayed on EKG’s. He goes on to show, again, through the rigors of scientific experiments, that intent or consciousness (may the force be with you) contains energy that can change the behavior of animals, growth in plants and even affect the well being of microorganisms in test tubes. In addition to energy waves, he demonstrates that quantum fields are actually generated through the works of collections of atoms that constitute our bodies or parts of our bodies. These fields can transmit energy and information in distances beyond the measurements of electromagnetic fields and may be a part of the universal matrix of living energy. In addition, Schwartz demonstrates that all biological matter emits dynamic patterns of bio-photon light which may express the essence of its being. For example healers were able to increase bio-photon emissions in plants by as much as tenfold simply by sharing their energy through conscious thought. He also states that energy emissions contain communication. “Energy provides the power that enables the information to be generated, transmitted and received…. Information without energy is powerless; energy without information is purposeless. Every one of our cells operate as a transmitter and receiver of electromagnetic energies.”[3]

So what is the application to sexuality?  Schwartz goes on to surmise, “Consider what happens when you hold someone you love. Or more explicitly when you are being physically intimate with someone. Can you imagine to what extent bio-energetic signals from our cells and organs are interacting and communicating?”[4]  Good question.  What exactly are we communicating through sexual contact?

Is there such a thing as the yin and the yang? Are there negative and positive energies?  It would appear that there is. Stress causes vascular inflammation in rats and humans.  Schwartz demonstrated that even microorganisms in test tubes respond negatively to healers under stress. It would appear that anxiety brought on by stress can have a negative effect on our health and well being. So what do we share when we have sex with our partners? Are we bringing a ton of emotional baggage that we then hoist onto our lovers? We may just be exposing our dark side and using our negative energies loaded with our own anxiety, to seduce and to weaken our lover’s flow of positive energy. In the process, we may also be weakening ourselves by building up patterns of addiction that feed upon themselves generating more and more negative energy.

Schwartz then goes on to demonstrate that healers who have a deeper level of compassion have a greater level of effect on animals, plants and humans. He concludes, “If we follow the accepted canons of science, we are led, slowly but surely, to the simple explanation that caring energy and loving intentions are the key to healing and health”[i]. This information should urge us on to bring positive energy, namely love and care, to the bed.  If we are going to engage in casual sex, can we bring caring and love to these types of encounters?  I honestly do not think so.  We can bring passion but I would hardly call it care or love.  If we truly want to be caring and compassionate people we should be mindful of whom we sleep with and what we are leaving behind when we get up and leave. On the side of life (within the force)  we can bring so much good energy through caring and love to our partners. We have an opportunity to bring powerful waves of healing that can build their sense or self-worth and physical, mental and spiritual well being.

 

[1] Schwartz, Gary, E; Simon, William L. The Energy Healing Experiments. Atria Books, New Your; 2007.

[2] Page 149

[3] Page 129

[4] Page 184

[i] Page 147