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Bisexuality and the Virtue of Passion

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Passion – vice or virtue? According to the major religions, we have two competing forces – good and evil, vice and virtue. However, if we realize there is actually no evil, just us, walking either a path to self-actualization, or floundering in our own fears and self-defeating negative behavior, we begin to view passion as neither a vice nor a virtue; it just is a part of who we are as humans. Religious study of the virtue of passion is obsessed with defining passion as the choosing of good over evil, serving others rather than ourselves, avoiding pleasure and pursuing some form of altruistic stoicism.  Passion as the pursuit of pleasure is regarded as a vice. However, there can be no passion at all without the pursuit of pleasure.

Passion is usually listed as the fifth cardinal virtue. Aristotle’s term ‘passions’ covers our bodily appetites (for food, drink, sex, etc.), our emotions, and any feelings accompanied by pleasure or pain. On the physical level, passion drives us to self-gratification, and this is as good thing. Our bodies and brains are rooted in the pursuit of pleasure. We are driven by the dopamine based neural pathways from the forebrain which give us our drive to experience challenges and achievements. These pathways, when the circuit is complete, activate the pleasure center of the brain, which releases the neurotransmitters endorphins which inhibits pain, including thought-pain, and gives us a feeling of euphoria. When the goal is physical love, and the joining of two people is accomplished through copulation, the neuromodulator oxytocin is released aiding in the development of powerful neural and hormonal pathways that we can refer to as bonding.  This bond in the basis of romantic passion.

Freud believed that this sexual passion was at the root of all our passions, and I tend to agree with him. The forming of passion for anything, such as politics or even the game of golf, employs the same pleasure seeking bonding system, but without the oxytocin. These dopamine drives are part of our alpha-seeking system which have sexual links, making us, especially males, seem more attractive. When we achieve alpha in any area, it is assumed it will attract others to serve us in the pursuit of spreading our alpha genes and passing on our accomplishments to the next generation.

But passion is more than just enjoying the pleasures of the senses. We also have a trump card, the frontal cortex, the administration center of the brain, which gives us the ability to choose which path we will pursue. It in turn overrides the primitive brain and takes over the dopamine drive and the endorphin reward system. In other words, we can choose to do “good” deeds strictly for the pleasure of it. Usually this leads to self-actualization based on the desires of the ego.  This is good (unless a person gets pleasure by inflicting pain on others) and is the beginning of passion as a virtue.

Beyond the cortex, or perhaps including the cortex, we somehow arrive at the higher self, which I believe involves the energy system of the soul that we can refer to as spirit.  We now begin to create our own love story, which means we are operating from the heart. The heart-passion is a desire and drive for good based on love, but it is still connected to our own selfish, pleasure seeking pursuit of self-actualization, but on a higher level. We get to a new kind of love-pleasure based on the energy flow of combined body, mind, and spirit. This leads to pleasure by connection with others and to the source of all goodness. Self-actualization is now much more than body or ego based passion. Through love we now take pleasure in helping other towards their own self-actualization, which then becomes a collective pursuit of what is considered the universal good. Our romantic passion also takes on a new dimension. We pursue intimacy rather than just sensuous pleasure.

Here are my five applications to sexuality, particularly for us bisexuals:

  1. We can be passionate. We can let our passions free to just be without the restrictions of thought and shame. Our body passions are “good” in themselves; they are the energy system of a healthy body’s needs and desires. Without dopamine passion we slip into repressed drives which leads to chemical imbalance or clinical depression. Without the dopamine-oxytocin drive we become impotent which again can be a symptom of depression. It is natural and good to release and enjoy our passions.
  2. We can employ our minds to choose when to let loose use our passions. We can rely on our egos to choose what is best for us as a sentient being. Sometimes this means delaying self-gratification.
  3. As bisexuals, through consciousness, we can use mindfulness to expand the sexual sensations to involve the full body, mind, and soul, including all our senses and feelings. We can use our sexuality to build more than one love story and we can harmonize these stories into a whole new way of life that involves intimate relationships with both men and/or women, or we can choose to be monogamous and focus our love passion on one individual.
  4. We can expand our passion to include altruism, keeping in mind that we should also derive some form of physical or sentient pleasure by serving others. When we are making love we should be conscious of a partner’s experience of pleasure and take pleasure from our partner’s pleasure.
  5. We can use our relationships to reach out to a higher form of love that includes sexuality as a spiritual experience that binds us to humanity in general and to the universal flow of love. Passion is the love energy that we can learn to use for the universal good.

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Empathy.

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Is empathy a virtue or an emotion? Not really either, but it is an essential ingredient in forming any of the virtues related to the ability to love. “Empathy is the intellectual, emotional, and imaginative apprehension of another person’s situation that takes place without experiencing it. It is learning through identification, through entering that special matrix where one encounters the unifying co-humanity of self and neighbor”[1]. So when is empathy a virtue? It depends, Miller in his research article concluded, “Empathy as a virtue is dependent on other virtues. It can’t stand alone; it’s insufficient. It needs to be informed and disciplined by other virtues such equity, judgment, and fairness[2].” However, empathy is much more than an emotional or cognitive connection. It is the ability to feel what someone else feels, and when these feelings involve the higher self, they become a call to action and become a virtue in themselves.

Empathy involves the ability to relate on body, mind, and soul levels. The emotions are the domain of the body and the old brain. When we experience and absorb the sadness or grief from another, it activates the amygdala resulting in our own experience of sadness including tears and the lump in the throat sensation. The call to help involves the workings of the mind. We evaluate the best way to support the other person, whether it be a hug, a word of encouragement, or just the silence of a good listener. If the cause of the person’s grief relates to our own experiences, there is a mental and emotional connection. We feel bonded through our sadness. Our soul, or more correctly, our spirit, experiences their soul energies and will begin to resonate with the same vibration with the goal of bringing the other soul back to the natural vibrations associated with love and joy. This ability to experience the emotional, mental, and spiritual vibrations of another is truly a remarkable virtue, one that we all have the innate ability to practice and experience. It is one of the basic foundations of love.

When it comes to sex, our body goal is orgasm, the mind goal is self-gratification, but the unspoken goal of the soul is to empathize or to seek and resonate with the love and joy vibrations of another.  If we are feeling down, we will seek another, usually a love partner, to help us regain our love-joy vibrations again. This is empathy in reverse, but it is still empathy according to our definition. This is more than an emotion, it is the ability to connect, not just for orgasm and sexual self-gratification, but for the ultimate goal of reaching and sharing the vibrations of love and joy. However, we have to be careful with whom we mate, because empathy means we absorb the emotional and mental vibrations as well as the spiritual. The goal should always be seeking the love-joy connection, so we can experience enriching feelings of higher vibrations.

 

Five application for bisexuality:

  1. We are a sexual body. It is sometimes okay to seek orgasm for the sake of orgasm as long as the other person is seeking sex for the same reason. And as bisexuals we can seek copulation with either men or women.
  2. We also have a brain or a mind, and we should use it. We will be forming a mental and emotional link with another human being. We should evaluate whether or not we wish to form such a link with the individual involved.
  3. We should also be seeking more than just orgasm. Anonymous encounters provide orgasm but nothing else and usually leave us with a hollow feeling, or even guilt, or shame. When we seek a sexual partner, we also have an opportunity to exchange thoughts and feelings with another human being. We have an opportunity to form a friendship and to share emotions and other feelings as well as orgasm.
  4. We can view sex as a soul experience. If we just experience sex and a physical and emotional experience, we have missed or deliberately chosen to bypass the greater sensation of joy. We can seize the opportunity to form a spiritual link which will lead to the wonderful vibrations of love and joy.
  5. We can remember that we are higher beings with a higher inner self. We have an opportunity to experience love and joy continuously. Sex can be a bridge from the mundane world of crying and striving to the fields of Elysium. We can choose a partner to help us walk the path with the enormous boost to joy that sexual experiences can provide.

[1] Virtue, First Foundation –

 

[2] Miller, Richard. Research IU Bloomington. 2013. http://virtuefirst.org/virtues/empathy/

 

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Desire

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

Aristotle understood that action depends on thought plus desire and that reason and thought by themselves can achieve nothing (Nichomachachean Ethics, 1139a). He goes on to describe desire as the engine for directing “the right thought” which is the basis of higher thinking. In her book,  Li Zhi, and the Virtue of Desire, Lee describes Li Zhi’s insights about the role of feelings and how feeling involve the virtue of desire.[1] Crucial to Zhi’s ideal of the good life is the ability to express one’s feelings, as the articulation of feelings leads to clarity, and clarity leads to new desires. In other words, the virtue of desire is at the foundation of all our actions and even our private thoughts and feelings. Desire is a natural and necessary drive that helps us formulate thoughts and feelings which eventually will lead  to a progression of thought and action. But is desire by itself a virtue? Not necessarily. To become a virtue, desire has to be directed by the higher self, thus leading to higher desires that will set us on the path to self-actualization.

Desire is often omitted from religious inventories of virtues. There is constant reference to controlling our thought life and our desires. Christianity and Islam consistently talk about controlling the desires of the flesh and According to Buddhist belief, the goal of life is to live without any desires at all, because desires result in stress and anxieties that lead us away from a life of peace and contentment. However, this begs the question – can we truly be content without desire? Would we not be conflicting with our basic human nature which is to perceive something greater, some pleasure, some dream, some goal, even the goal of living a life of contentment free of anxiety and stress? What would we be without desires?

Desires are part of our basic brain structures. We see what is not and we ask why? We think of something that might give us pleasure and ask why not? Then the brain sets up a neural pathway that involves a goal that is intrinsically linked to the acquisition of this possible pleasure. A dopamine rush is then set out to motivate the body and the mind to obtain the pleasure. Once the goal is achieved we experience a serotonin rush that engages the pleasure center of the brain and sets up a neural pathway to enjoy this pleasure again in the future.

Human beings are creators, the motivation is desire, and the reward is pleasure. Ester Hicks through the voice of her spirit guide, Abraham, in the book Ask and It Is Given, states that desire is “the delicious awareness of new possibilities. Desire is a fresh, free feeling of anticipating wonderful expansion.” She goes on to say that we will “revel in the conscious awareness that you (we) have deliberately molded your (our) desires into being”[2] and “when you (we) go with the flow of your (our) own desires, you (we) will feel truly alive and you (we) will truly live)[3].

In conclusion, it appears that desire is indeed a virtue and life itself is based on wholesome desires of the body, the mind, and the soul. Our bodies and our drives lead to desires for feeling the pleasures of our bodies which includes sexual experiences. In fact, they lead to body, mind and soul connections with other human beings. They are simply a statement by our bodies that we wish to experience pleasure in its deepest forms. The mind wishes to experience life so that it can expand its knowledge of the world around it. It seeks to understand life in all its forms. The soul longs to dream and make its dreams come true. To reach self-actualization, we can follow our desires to experience the pleasures of our bodies; we can explore life in all its forms, and we can dream and let our dreams lead to desires that motivate us into making the dreams come true.

 

Here are my five applications to bisexuality:

  1. The desires of the body are part of human reality. There is no sin in desire. It is there to lead us to connection with others through the powerful sexual sensations of the body.
  2. The mind will try to evaluate if the desire is good for us. It will attempt to protect us from doing things that may be harmful, such as engaging in unsafe sex. However, the mind is also vulnerable to opinions, because it feels it needs to live in harmony with others. Therefore, it will try to abide by the mores of the society in which it lives. We may wish to override these mores from time to time and engage in activities that will bring pleasure to our being. We need to be conscious of what we are doing and why we are doing it. If we feel the pleasure is a healthy expression of who we want to be, we should set aside the restrictions of the ego and fulfill our desires without guilt and shame.
  3. The higher self is the best judge of what we should and should not do. It directs by feelings. If it feels good at a spiritual level it is automatically good. If it feels bad it is probably bad. We should get in touch with our higher self and learn to listen to the inner voice. This is not the voice of the ego; it is a voice without words. We shut down the mind and reach for the feelings from within.
  4. Our sexual desires usually lead to deeper desires. We seek connection. This is body to body through sex, mind to mind through shared knowledge and desire for learning, and a desire to spiritually vibrate and resonate with the spiritual vibrations of another. These vibrations are enhanced through body, mind, and soul connection. It can just be a full warm hug or it can be whatever we both want it to be.
  5. All paths should lead to self-actualization. It is the desire of the soul to experiment and experience, and move on from experience to higher knowledge and increased love energy. Pay attention to your desires and enjoy.

 

[1] Lee, Pauline C. ; Li Zhi, and the Virtue of Desire. Suny Series in Chinese Culture and Philosophy, Amazon. 2013.

[2] Hicks, Ester and Jerry. Ask and It Is Given. Hay House. 2004. (page 120).

[3] Hicks (page 123)

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Assertiveness

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)In the lyrics of Bob Dylan, “there’s no one to beat you / No one t’ defeat you / ’Cept the thoughts of yourself feeling bad”[1]. When we feel bad, it is usually because we are in the throes of low self-esteem, and we usually experience low self-esteem when we refuse to stand up for who we really are and what we believe. In the last blog, we looked at fortitude which is the strength we possess when we are in tune with our higher self. Assertiveness is the song we sing which naturally flows out of fortitude; it is the ability to express our thoughts and feelings from that inner strength which we all potentially possess through our inner self.

When we are assertive, we honor our desires, needs, and values. If we fail to express them, it is an act of suppression, and it will invariably sabotage our self-esteem. When we allow ourselves to be devalued, we are in danger of losing sight of who we really are. Self-assertiveness is directly related to self-respect. When we stand up for what we think and feel and dare to reveal who we really are, we show the world that we believe we are worthy of respect, and we express the fact that we are someone who matters.

Some of us have come to fear that openly revealing our true thoughts and feelings will lead to rejection. In fact, we may have become so intent on pleasing others that we have forgotten how to think for ourselves and may no longer be able to identify our own thoughts and feelings.  We can learn to take rejection in stride. We cannot please everyone all of the time. Rejection is a natural outcome of living and being who we are. We have to realize that others may not be in the same space we are in. Their natural reaction is to defend their space and protect their own self-esteem. Instead of assuming that rejection would be unbearable and must be avoided at all costs, we can learn to see it as a normal bump on the road of life and think about how we might creatively deal with rejection if and when it occurs.

This requires fortitude and assertiveness – not belligerence or inappropriate aggressive behavior. When we express ourselves, it is important to pay attention to our circumstances and the personality and space of the people with whom we are dealing, especially if they are people we love. Closeness in relationships naturally leaves us vulnerable, as we may have felt free to express our deepest fears and feelings at some point in the past. This in turn gives those we love the silver bullet with which they can mortily  wound us. At moments like these, we have the ability to be the mature being that can rise above the emotions of  our wounded ego-self.  We can recognize that the people we care for are merely human beings caught in their own pain body. This situation may be part of a thought and behavior pattern that they fall back on when they feel threatened. We, on the other hand, may be in a better space which can allow us to choose to function through our higher self.  We simply acknowledge that we value the relationship and wish to resolve the issue. We can listen from the safety of our inner self and help guide them back to positive feelings that will help grow the relationship.  We can also be compassionate with ourselves; we also are just human and may be feeling the pinch of our own pain body.  We can give ourselves permission to simply walk away and wait for a better time to resolve the issue. Carelessness and needless aggression during these moments can sabotage these precious relationships, whereas thoughtfulness coupled with assertiveness can help them as well as us grow as individuals.

Here are the five applications to bisexuality:

  1. As bisexuals operating within our higher self, we can rejoice in our bisexuality and our loving compassionate disposition. We celebrate who we are and seek to find peace and power within. We can choose to be assertive with our wounded ego-self and demand that it behave according to a higher order.
  2. We accept and acknowledge who we are according to our orientation with all our flaws and weaknesses. We express our love for our self unconditionally by looking in the mirror each day and saying, “I love you, I really love you, just the way you are”.
  3. As bisexuals we have probably faced rejection and fear of rejection from an early age. We can accept that our sexuality will likely be misunderstood and frowned upon by the majority of people. It may not be direct rejection, but we have become very skillful at interpreting and recognizing rejection through visual signs, especially negative body language. We can accept this as part of the feelings and fears of others we may encounter. We simply acknowledge that this is just the way it is and move on.
  4. If the feelings of rejection are coming from significant others, it may be impossible to move on without feeling guilt and shame. We recognize these feeling, thank our ego-self, and then choose to put these feelings aside and deal with the situation at hand. We acknowledge the feelings from others and grant them the right to have these feelings. We then help them see the situation from our point of view.
  5. If the significant other still refuses to accept us the way we are, we express our regret but express the desire to still have a loving relationship. We put the confrontation on the back burner and wait for a good opportunity to bring it up again and resolve it. We can choose to be patient; it may take years before they can deal with the situation.

[1]  Bob Dylan. The Lyrics: 1961-2012, (www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/assertiveness)

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Fortitude

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Fortitude is mentioned by Plato in “The Republic” as one of the four cardinal virtues.  St. Thomas Aquinas ranked fortitude as the third of the cardinal virtues after prudence and justice.  In the Bible, it is also included as one of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, (Isaiah 11:2-3). The virtue of fortitude can be practiced by anyone; it is not only a Christian value but the natural outgrowth of life’s experiences.

The virtue of fortitude is commonly called courage, but it is different from what we think of as courage today. Fortitude always serves a higher purpose, is beyond reason, and is therefore, an expression of the will of the human spirit. Fortitude is the virtue that allows us to overcome fear and to remain steady in the face of all obstacles – physical, mental, and spiritual. If we look at fortitude from the perspective of good versus evil or light versus darkness, we see fortitude as our ability and strength to reach for the good for ourselves and others, instead of just allowing the darkness of the world to overcome us and prevent us from reaching for our higher sense of being.

Fortitude is strength of purpose in the face of all the obstacles that life tries to throw at us. If we have the virtue of fortitude, we will persist in reaching for our better self and to keep on going through pain and trials. We push on, believing in ourselves and in our divine purpose which is just to be, and to radiate the joyful vibrations of our inner self.  We never lose the vision of who we are and we rejoice in the opportunities to push through the chaos and grow as human beings in body, soul and spirit. Once we have arrived at the goal of divine Self-Actualization, we help others on their path, not out of feelings of guilt or responsibility for others, but as an opportunity to create the positive energies in others so we can vibrate and resonate together for our own sense of joy and purpose. In a way, we defeat darkness collectively by bringing light into the world, not as a collective, but as individuals vibrating in frequency with other individuals.

Here are the five applications to bisexuality:

  1. Even though our bodies and brains are bisexual by nature, it is not who we are. It is simply a genetic predisposition to sexual preference. It belongs to our bodies and minds but not to our spirits. Who we really are is our higher self, that part of us that is beyond the functions of the body and the mind. We must never lose sight of the fact that our sexual orientation is just that – a sexual orientation.
  2. Because of the life experiences that come with our orientation, we tend to be empaths, people with the ability to feel and comprehend the mental or emotional state and needs of others. This gives us the ability to feel and see things that others do not. This makes it possible for us to be artists, poets, and effective professional caregivers, but it also makes us more sensitive, and therefore, more vulnerable to the words and actions of others. Our first responsibility as empaths is not to serve others, but to understand, care for, and love ourselves. We have to be self-centered, not narcissistic, but aware of our own feelings and needs. We cannot save anyone. If we are in a relationship that is sucking the life out of us, we have to get out. If we are surrounded by people who want to take advantage of us, we are in dangerous company. We have to trust our inner Self to lead us to people who will be genuine friends and lovers regardless of their orientation.
  3. As bisexuals, our empathic natures are going to be wrapped up in our emotions, and of course, because of our life’s experiences, our emotions are going to be wrapped up in our sexuality. Sometimes we have to literally take pains to come to grips with our sexuality. We have to bring our sexual thoughts and behaviors in line with our higher self. This does not mean we have be to monks or nuns and suppress our sexual desires, but we should try to bring our sexual vibrations in line with our soul vibrations. If we are experiencing negative energy during our sexual practices, it does not mean that we have to stop having this kind of sex. It just means that we have to adjust our own attitudes or to recognize how our sexual partners are influencing our own vibrations.
  4. If we are using our sexuality to feed the dark, negative, or wounded ego side of our self, we must take stock, face the situation honestly, and do whatever it takes to turn off the negative feeling and open up to the positive. There is nothing wrong with our sexual practices as such, but it depends on how we think about them and which side of our psyche we are feeding. We have to learn to trust the feelings coming from our gut. If these interactions bring us down and make us feel sick inside, we have to then change our thought and  behavior patterns.
  5. We have to take an inventory of our life. Is what we are doing bringing the vibrations of peace and joy? If not, we have to make changes. This mean recognizing  the effects of what we are doing and the people with whom we are associating. We can mark each person or item with a positive or a negative, then make plans to embellish the positive and remove the negative. This includes everything including our relationships, jobs, activities and sexual practices. Above all, we remember that we are powerful beings with the ability to make whatever changes are necessary. All it takes is fortitude.

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Gratitude

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)”Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others,” Marcus Tullius Cicero[1]. Wise words from a wise old Roman. It makes more sense when you apply the words of John F. Kennedy, “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”[2] You see gratitude is more than saying ‘thank you’ it is being truly thankful.  That means realizing the gift that has been given is more than just a gift; the acts of giving and receiving are acts of the heart.

Sometimes it seems impossible to feel thankful for what we have been given. At times, life really sucks, and we may feel alone, abandoned, and despised.  That is when we have to dig deep into our souls to find our higher self which will always feel gratitude even if it is just for life itself.  That is when we come to know that life means there is a giver of life and that giving life is the most precious gift that we can receive, because the gift of life is the gift of love. If you have ever been a parent you know exactly what I mean. At that moment when the baby is born and placed in your arms we cannot help but feel an overpowering sensation of deepest affection and love.

As suggested by J.F.K. there is a part of our self that lives continuously in this feeling of gratitude, and that is our higher self. When we view life through our higher self, there is always a reason to be thankful even if it is just for the next breath. When we do this we change the circuitry of the brain .

Image result for pleasure center of the brain
The thought releases dopamine through the nucleus accumbens which is the pleasure center of the brain, affecting the amygdala, thus changing the emotion from negative to positive, and the hippocampus which affects our memories. . Then as we thank this universe for each breath, the other things come to mind, love that we have experienced, someone who touched us in a special way, the beauty of nature that is all around us. By doing this repeatedly, we create a new neural circuit where the memory makes us smile instead of weep.

 

The key to living a virtuous life is to be thankful for everything. We should practice gratitude every day and remind ourselves that there is always something good if we look for it. We should see difficulties as opportunities to learn. When people abandon us we can be thankful for the moments we have shared and be compassionate with them and wish them well in their own journey. If this person shows us contempt or spite, we can be thankful that we will not have to live with someone who no longer cares for us. We should be thankful for every kindness passed our way. We should not be envious of those who appear to have more but be thankful for the simplicity of what we do have, free of the tyranny of possessions.

So how does this apply to bisexuality? Here are my five suggestions on gratitude:

1 First be thankful for your life. It is a gift.

  1. Be thankful for your bisexuality. It too is a gift, one that opens up intimate relationships with both men and women.
  2. Be thankful for all the relationships you have had. Remember that people are just human and may not be able to understand your sexual nature or your wants and needs. Be thankful for the love and passion they were able to share; it may be all they were able to give at the time.
  3. When you move on to other relationships, be thankful for the lessons you learned in the last one or series of ones. Never give up on finding the soul mate and kindred spirit.
  4. Be thankful that you can give something back even if it is something small. Volunteer for something or plant a garden of flowers. Try to make the world a little bit better while you have the chance to live in it.

[1] Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/marcustull122152.html

[2] Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/johnfkenn105511.html