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The Virtue of Forgiveness and the Guilt, Blame, and Shame Game.

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“Man learns through experience, and the spiritual path is full of different kinds of experiences. He will encounter many difficulties and obstacles, and they are the very experiences he needs to encourage and complete the cleansing process,” Sai Baba[1].

The virtue of forgiveness is the act and art of cleansing the mind and the soul. After negative experiences, the mind leaves a trail  of neural pathways in the brain that form the negative feelings and emotions of fear, grief, guilt, blame, and shame. The mind is always of the alert through this subconscious anxiety, watching for triggers that can lead it back to these feelings so they can be resolved. The key is to resolve them by linking them back to the positive emotions of acceptance and forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of love, mainly for the self but also for others.

Forgiveness is the beginning of change. “Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can’t ride you unless your back is bent,” Martin Luther King, Jr.[2] The goal of forgiveness is freedom from anxiety, freedom to live joyfully in the present, freedom to accept that we are a beautiful bisexual soul in peace with ourselves and the other important people in our lives.  So how do we actually and completely forgive? How do we rid our minds of these thoughts and feelings that may have haunted us for decades? We do not ignore and suppress the mind; we use its main function, judgement or free will, but we do it with our heart or spirit in support of the mind.

The first step in developing the virtue of forgiveness is to forgive the self. In reality there is no past or future; there is only the present.  The past only exists in our mind, so we have to use the mind to heal the mind. We simply recognize the feeling, seek the root of the feeling, and then employ judgement with compassion and understanding for our self. We accept what happened, recognize that we did our best under the circumstances, look at the positive things we have learned from the experience, and forgive ourselves. Here is where the heart comes in. Forgiveness is not a rational process but an act of love. We allow our heart or spirit to embrace the experience and then give our self a warm hug until the feeling becomes warm and peaceful. We have now established a new link to that pathway that we can choose to follow whenever a trigger has activated it. We can use our heart-based judgement in a positive sense to judge the memory and the trigger for what it is and choose to follow the positive pathway back to love of self. By repeating this process over and over again we eventually establish a strong neural pathway to self-love.

The next step is to forgive others and to allow others to forgive us. Once we have forgiven ourselves for the situation, we are free, but this important relationship is still fractured. We take the initiative and approach the other person for cleansing of the relationship. This can be difficult because of the negative bond that has been established and strengthened by powerful negative feelings from both parties. Within this negative bond there is a need for blame. Blame is an extremely powerful negative feeling that can turn from sadness to anger. In reality there is no blame. There was only a situation in which each individual did what they had to do because they felt that was the only alternative given the situation.

We can go to the person and describe our experience of self-forgiveness, thereby opening the doorway to letting them approach the situation positively. We do not accept any blame; we do not apologize, and we do not defend ourselves. We are not responsible for their feelings, and we are really no longer responsible for the events that happened.  That is all in the past.  We merely acknowledge that these things have happened and that we wish to forget the past and live in the present.  If they wish to play the name, blame and shame game, we simply take the role of an active listener.  We acknowledge and affirm their feelings but we do not share in owning them. When they have expressed their thoughts and hurts, we can reassure them of our love for them, and our desire to have a good relationship. If they choose to stay in anger and fear of the past, we can choose to walk away and let them resolve their own issues. We are now both free of the negative bond and can live in the present free of the chains of the past. We also free them from the bond and our complicity in it.

So what does this have to do with bisexuality? Here are my five points on the virtue of forgiveness:

  1. As bisexuals, we are major players in the name, blame, and shame game. I do not remember the number of times I said it is all my fault and was too ashamed to look myself in the mirror. These feeling are rooted deeply in our childhood and hold strong feelings of disappointing our parents because of our desires and behaviors. It is time to go back in the child within and give him or her a great big hug and say how proud we are of their courage to be who they were and do what they did.
  2. As bisexuals we have often started off in a heterosexual relationship and been unable to control our same-sex impulses and desires. This is natural.  This is who we are. There is no need to have shame over these desires. We recognize the shame for what it is and forgive ourselves.
  3. These desires have often led to having sexual experiences outside the relationship. This may cause us to feel extreme guilt and shame. We have to be compassionate with ourselves and recognize the powerful sources of these desires and feelings. We have to also realize that we will continue to have these desires for the rest of our lives. The key is truth and honesty. We first forgive ourselves for having these desires. They are what they are. There is no need for guilt. We have to forgive ourselves.
  4. At some point we will have to disclose our desires and actions to our heterosexual partners. We do not apologize for them or ask for forgiveness. We simply acknowledge them and the subsequent confusion and grief that may come from the partner. We become active listeners letting them ask their questions and confirming their feelings. We then focus on the relationship and see if both parties still want to maintain it and what changes that may involve. If we or the partner choose to leave the relationship, we do so expressing our love for them, wishing them the best and offering to support them in any way we can.
  5. We move on without guilt or shame. We may seek new relationships but we are always honest with potential new partners about our bisexuality showing no remorse or guilt. It is who we are and we ask the new partner to accept us just the way we are.

We remember that we are spiritual human beings, and we act and make decisions from the heart. Our sexuality is the desire of the heart to connect with people who can accept and love us just the way we are without shame, blame or guilt.

 

[1] https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth101472.html?src=t_forgiveness

 

[2] https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth121065.html

Bisexuality – and the Virtue of Acceptance

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“We all learn lessons in life. Some stick, some don’t. I have always learned more from rejection and failure than from acceptance and success” [1]. As this quote from Henry Rollins suggests, the key to living a virtuous and happy life is to accept ourselves, unconditionally, with the ugliness of all the old scars and festering mental boils. And the best way to accept ourselves is to acknowledge and celebrate those scars and boils as trophies derived from conquering the monumental challenges we have had to face as bisexuals.

The virtue of acceptance begins with recognizing the self, or the mind or ego, as part of our divine soul that links the spiritual with the realities of this life. The role of the ego is to make sense of the past, to neutralize all the threats and negative feelings, so that we can accept the present and look forward to the future with pride and confidence. If you are feeling depressed or hopeless, or perhaps just have an empty feeling, or a belief that you are just floating through life with no meaning or purpose, do not despair; you are not alone. That is just our spirit working together with our minds or egos to urge us on to being more than just a victim of our circumstances.

Part of our growth is evaluating what we did yesterday. Sometimes, for whatever reason, we have not been able to understand and resolve some events and feelings. They may be traumatic like abuse, or rejection from a loved one, or they may just be a collection of events that build up to a feeling that the situation is hopeless. The mind or ego, by its very nature, has to take a second look at those times when we landed flat on our back with powerful negative feelings, feelings that it has never been able to resolve. It will keep visiting those events until it feels it is safe to move on. Sometimes those feelings or events are beyond the power of the mind to resolve. That gives us a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. These feeling challenge our belief in ourselves, making us feel like failures. We begin to blame ourselves for these failures which often leads to feelings of despair and self-loathing.  However we are not yet out of resources.  We can now tune into the Higher Self and the infinite power and positive energies of our spirits.

The key is to accept that our souls are made up of mind from the lower self and spirit from the higher self, and that all the struggles are in the mind. We then recognize and accept our spirit or Higher Self as a source of infinite power and wisdom. We then let the Higher Self flood our ego with self-love. We woo and seduce our ego. We tell it that we appreciate all it has tried to do. We encourage it to believe that it has done the best it could under the circumstances; in fact, it has done a great job given the scope of the situation. But we do not just stop at self-acceptance, we go beyond that to a celebration of self-appreciation and self-love.  This rewires the negative from the pain body of the ego into positive powers of love from the spirit and changes the circuitry of the brain. It allows the mind to use the new circuits to get off the old negative spinning wheel and create a new set of positive circuits. It can now prune those old axons and dendrites and forge new axons to new positive feelings and beliefs. In the process of acceptance we open up a new world where old thoughts and feeling begin to make sense thereby increasing our understanding and appreciation of life. We are now ready to move on to the next stage of our lives with increased understanding and power.

Now how does this apply to bisexuality? Here are my five steps to living a victorious bisexual life through the virtue of acceptance:

  1. We recognize and accept our bisexual orientation without judgement. We are what we are. Through a combination of genetic predispositions and natal and early life experiences, we now have a body and brain that desires sexual connection with both males and females.  Without engaging in judgement and old thinking patterns we simply accept the fact that our body has these longings and desires. We thank our body for all the pleasures it provides including our ability to enjoy sensuous experiences more intensely from both sides of life.
  2. We recognize and accept the struggles of our egos to balance our bisexual desires with the longing for acceptance and approval from others. We realize the depths of these conflicts but we also recognize the need to be true to ourselves and the desires of our bodies and souls. We accept that the feelings of rejection and confusion are natural under the circumstances. We then make a conscious ego-based decision to move on.
  3. We also recognize and accept that we are more than just a combination of body and mind. We reach out to the higher self and invite it into our minds and bodies. We realize that the spirit accepts our bisexuality.  It has no desire to judge, condemn or change us. It just wants to use this part of us to reach a deeper understanding life and to forge new or deeper connections with others. We then silently, and without thought, entrust the spirit to do its work. It will flood our souls with love and self-acceptance. We stay there grounded in this new reality until the spirit begins the process of forging a new beginning through the rewiring and changing of the mind. We will experience this as a feeling of contentment and divine acceptance and peace.
  4.  We make plans to daily check if we are still experiencing contentment and peace and then invite the spirit to infuse the soul with the power of self-love. However, we recognize and accept that the bisexual struggle is not yet over and will never be completely resolved in the mind. Those old components of the circuits made up of wounds, feelings, and memories will always be a part of us. The triggers from our environment will always have the power to reconnect all these old circuits of pain. When flashbacks occur we consciously understand and accept that the ego is perceiving a threat from something that is happening in the present. We thank the ego for its diligence and willingness in bringing it to our conscious mind which is under the influence of the spirit. We then resolve the issue from a spiritual perspective of wisdom and power and consciously invite the spirit to bathe the situation with self-love and love for others and move us on.
  5. We recognize and accept that life is a journey towards spiritual Self Actualization and that our bisexuality is not a hindrance but an advantage in understanding the complexities of life. We then bring this gift to others.

[1] Rollins, Henry: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/henryrolli616896.html

The Virtue of Awareness In Full Blossom

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img_1394-1The journey to awareness will reach its final destination when we are aware of just how connected we are to life itself and to the universal presence of life.

 

Awareness

Dawn breaks;

The Eastern light brings peace

With the soft touch of wonder.

As the sensation intensifies,

I can see the fine lines of life

All held together by sweet silver threads,

That surround me,

Entrapping me in a web of joy.

And I laugh,

At first gently,

Then deep from the bowels of my being,

At all the confusion and pain

Manufactured by my tired mind.

And I laugh at the lack of knowing,

Because the search for knowledge,

Only leads to more questions,

While I can sit her laughing hysterically,

Because I know I have all the answers.

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Discernment

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)So how do we know? How do we sort through all the data coming in and all the thoughts and judgments going out? How do we discern what is real and what is just what we want to believe? How do we answer the big questions that can help us break through to a life of peace and joy? Is there a God? Is there any meaning and purpose to life? Am I gay or bisexual or just a lost soul searching for intimacy?

Linda Popov in her book, A Pace of Grace, says this about the art and virtue of discernment:

“Discernment is quieting our minds and sensing the truth about things. It is being contemplative and vigilant in seeking to understand what is true.  We are able to make distinctions between what is real and what is illusion…. We trust our inner vision to recognize what is right for us in this moment. We observe, decide, and act with wisdom.”[1]

Before we get started on this, remember that in order for an idea or ideal to become a virtue, it takes a lot of hard work. We have to practice, practice, and practice until it becomes natural, until it becomes a way of life. So let’s look at how to do this from three perspectives: recognizing the inner voice from the higher self, understanding the difference between the voice of the ego or mind and the voice of the higher self, and recognizing and understanding the other voices around us, and let’s practice using the virtue of discernment to accomplish this. We will do this in three blogs, starting this week with recognizing the voice of the higher self and how this applies to bisexuality.

First of all, how do we recognize the inner voice and how can we be sure this is not just another illusion from the mind? Regarding the latter, you may never know for sure that the higher self even exists. Bummer eh? Not really, you see there is a caveat on that. The reason we can never know for certain is that we are trying to find something that does exist but cannot be recognized through rational mind processes, so the mind will always be in doubt and will want to take over to protect us from believing or doing something that it regards as dangerous or foolish. So how can we get past that? We hush the mind. The very fact that we can consciously hush the mind proves in itself that there is a higher self.

Once in this state that we can call mindfulness, the inner truth from the inner self will begin to appear. We will simply become aware of our self as part of a world of peace and beauty. Do we have to meditate to do this? Not really. For many it is a good and sound practice, but it is not for everyone. Personally,  I get into my higher self not by stillness but by engaging, by walking and feeling, by staring at a thing of beauty until a feeling of oneness and peace flows through my brain and body, or by engaging my body, rather than my mind, in walking or working in  my garden. This can only happen when I am alone or sharing moments with a special someone without talk or mental interaction.

The next step is simply to listen without engaging in rational thought. For example, when I am opening my soul to the sounds of the forest, I do not try to name or describe what I hear, I just experience it. Same thing applies to my inner voice.  I do not question it or judge it, I just open my whole self to listen. The inner voice is never judging, never striving or conniving.  It always reminds me of how beautiful I am and how precious I am as a source of goodness in this chaotic world. It is as though the inner-self is in communication with the universe, or perhaps, even the person of a sentient god that is imparting the wisdom of the ages to me simply because I am still and seeking guidance. Perhaps it is just from the higher self, itself, that intuitively knows what is best for me. Again,  we do not engage in this mental gymnastics; we simply accept the sensations and the feelings that accompany those sensations.

The third step is to open up the ego-mind and ask the higher self to impart words of wisdom. We simply allow the ego mind to express its fears and concerns and listen to whatever wisdom the higher self wants to impart. We can then allow the ego-mind to specifically ask for wisdom in dealing with a particular situation as long as it sits back and listens without interruption or judgement. The inner voice of the higher self will always speak to us, and the message will always be positive showing insight and a broader understanding of the meaning and purpose behind the circumstances.  We can allow the ego-mind to keep questioning and listening until we feel comfortable with the words  of wisdom from the higher self. We then direct the ego to accept the wisdom and make plans for putting this wisdom into action.

Here are my five thoughts on how the virtue of discernment applies to bisexuality:

  1. Because we are so self-judging, believing ourselves to be unworthy, and blaming ourselves for being unlovable, it can be difficult to accept a higher self that regards us as beautiful and superior beings. We simply recognize the thought and say “I am worthy. I am beautiful.” Then relax again practicing deep breathing until we can open ourselves up to our higher self.
  2. Because we have always focused on imperfections and what we have judged as faults and failures, we may have to seek healing from our higher self or perhaps the great love energy of god or the universe. To do this we open up our ego to express its fears, and then we turn to our higher self and ask it to give us the truth from its higher view of things. It will never judge our ego and will always show us that our actions were a result of the pains of the past and that we have done the best we could under the circumstances. It will then show us the path to self-acceptance and a higher course of action.
  3. As bisexuals, most of us have suffered from some sort of generalized anxiety, and we have always been able to find a sense of peace, or perhaps just plain exhaustion, by engaging in sexual experiences. As a result, it may have become a kind of addiction, a source of relief from the anxiety, and of course, we are reluctant to give it up. Therefore, we have a tendency to avoid the higher self, because we fear that we may have to change our behavior patterns, and we simply do not think we have the energy to try  again. Guess what? Surprise! The higher self will never condemn or blame and will never ask us to give up our sexual practices.  It will simply show us how to incorporate those practices into a more positive experience in tune with its sense of, deeper meaning, beauty, and joy.
  4. By going through this process we inevitable come to a point where we can view our sexual practices as a means to achieving intense sensations that lead to intense feelings, that lead to love of our bodies, and to experiencing all the joys it can share with us.
  5. Finally it will always lead us through sexuality into the deeper experiences of intimacy. The higher self wants to join the body in experiencing love in all its forms and to bring the body, mind and soul into intimate connection with others.

 

[1] Popov, Linda Kavelin. A Pace of Grace. Plume: 2004 (page 62).

Valentine’s Day and the Virtue of Awareness

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img_1394-1Awareness is an act of love, first for the self and then for the special person in our lives. One of the best words of wisdom I have garnered over the years is: “do yourself a favor, love your wife.”  Speaking to all the men out there, and this also applies to women, this is the best investment you will ever make. Whatever you give will come back to you a hundred fold. As humans we need to not only be loved but to feel loved.  Acts of love turn us on, not just sexually, but our entire reward and drive systems are activated.  This is the virtue of joy. This is where awareness comes in.  We should live in constant awareness (not just on Valentine’s Day) of the beauty and virtues of our partner, not only consciously, but especially through our feelings, thoughts and actions. Continuous acts and words of love between us and our partners gives us a window by which we have an opportunity to live in constant joy. When we are in the state of bliss it demands that we give back even more than we receive. Love grows.

Happy Valentine’s and Engagement Day

(We got engaged on Valentine’s Day)

 

You are the sunshine that breaks the gloom of a cold cloudy day,

The reason to get up in the morning after a long sleepless night.

You bring warm sunshine to a cold heart with your beautiful smile,

You bring a cozy feeling that says everything will be all right.

 

You are the reason and the fulfillment of a young man’s romance.

You are the juice that transforms an old man into an innocent boy.

You are the power to conquer all the weaknesses that come my way.

That are the source of love that fills another year with contentment and joy.

 

You are the unmoving rock that anchors my boat in the storm.

You are the warm breeze that continually blows good things my way.

You are the beginning and the end of all my good thoughts and desires.

You are the perfect beginning and the perfect end to an imperfect day.

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Awareness.

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

Awareness is the state or condition of being aware; having knowledge and consciousness.  But awareness can only become a virtue when you don’t just understand it, but you live it. In my opinion, there are three levels of awareness: mindfulness, the acceptance and immersion in the higher self, and the awareness of the day to day pleasures of living. As bisexuals the concept of awareness can take on a whole new meaning.

The first level of awareness is mindfulness.  In my view, it is simply closing down the mind and opening up our souls to all the sensations around us.  It is focusing on the beauties of this world. It can be a walk along the ocean shore with the pungent scent of the salty air or a walk through an old growth forest with the beauty of light filtering down through the maples. It can be the sound of my bird friends singing their hearts out about the joy of living. Mindfulness is immersing my soul in the sweet energies of nature, shutting down the noise of this world, and ignoring the negative energy of my negative thoughts.

The second stage is to become aware of the inner or the higher self.  I am the presence in all the things of beauty. My soul is interacting with all the sweet sensations that surround me. Once in this state of self-awareness, I can feel the surge of positive energy flow through my being. I understand just how beautiful and powerful I am.  I truly understand that there are no limitations on how much I can experience.  I interact with nature and other human beings with an incredible exchange of energy and being.

The third stage is to bring this energy and presence into my everyday life where I can meet each new situation free of anxiety and fear.  I can just be and let things happen around me knowing that all things can lead to joy and personal growth. There are no problems, only opportunities.  There is always choice and I can choose to indulge or walk away.

Now how does this apply to bisexuality?  We are truly blessed on several levels. Here are my five points on awareness and bisexuality:

  1. First, because of the nature of our struggles, we have been compelled to search for our true sexual nature. This gives us the opportunity to become more aware as we search for the universal truths that surround us. This search will either lead to ruin or to a newer level of self-actualization.
  2. In this search, we will come to the understanding that our bisexual gender issues are not part of that reality; they are merely a role that we have slipped into because of the pressures of our families and culture. Once we come to this realization, we can then become aware that our whole life is full of roles that we play. Once we are aware of that we can choose to play the role or to develop our own patterns of living.
  3. The third point is that we really do have a different nature than everyone else. You can refer to it as two spirits in the sense that we have a masculine and a feminine soul, not just sexually, but all the gender qualities that go with it. But in reality, it is only one spirit that combines the whole spectrum of masculine and feminine virtues.
  4. The fourth is our sexual response to life. As bisexuals we can enjoy tremendous sexual energy that we can use to form intimate connection with men and women. We can indulge our feminine personas when we are with a man and our masculine when we are with a woman. We can go beyond the sexual role play and enter into true intimacy where we share not only our bodies but our minds and souls. We are free to choose to do this with one special individual or we can seek connection with whomever we choose.
  5. As bisexuals we have an opportunity to share this tremendous life energy with those around us. We can open our souls to others so that the divine energy, the full energy or a complete human being, can flow to those around us and bless them. This energy is always reciprocal – the more you give the more you get in return.