My search for material for these blogs is taking me farther away from bisexuality and into the common experiences of human sexuality experienced by all men and women. In a recent read of James Thumber, I found the following:
“Many a man who loves spiritually is a weakling — a professor. Many a one who loves physically is a brute. But when the two are mixed, he loves with all the fire and passion of a poet and a cave-man… If I ever kiss you you’ll know that — and you’ll know what a wonderful thing my love is. Kissing seems not a great matter, in a way. And yet in one way it speaks the million things which words can’t… A real girl doesn’t care to be kissed, much, unless real love goes with it”[1].
As a spiritual bisexual, I am not looking just for sex, I am looking for intimacy. When you scroll the meat market, there are two types of bisexuals (and no, I do not mean “top” and “bottom”), those who want to “get on and get off” and those want to “cuddle and kiss”. Getting on and off is okay just because everything is okay; there is no judgement. However, I find it disturbing when the bisexual man states he does not want to share a hug or a kiss. There is oh so much more in cuddling and kissing – there is intimacy.
So what is in a kiss? Looking at it from the heterosexual viewpoint, the “caveman” searches for the kiss. Why? Because for him it means the woman is opening herself up to him for sexual exploration. And why is she willing to do that? Simply because she feels something, some connection, some excitement in her body, some stirring in her soul.
And then the kiss. During the kiss she can sense just what the man’s purpose is. If it is rough and urgent she may back away unless she already feels urgency and desire in herself for her own sexual needs. The kiss then quickly leads to a ‘quicky’ and both get off and, passion wains, and they usually are left feeling empty. So then, there has to be more in the kiss. The kiss has to be exploring all right, but not just for sex. It has to be for wanting to embrace the whole person, body, soul and spirit.
A close friend of mine confided that he has a wife who complains about his love making. She says he does not make love like a man. In other words, when it comes to sex, she wants to be made love to by a “brute”; she wants “a cave man”. My friend is an English Lit “professor” a “poet” and I think, based on my conversations with other bisexual men, most of them are also professors and poets. Oh indeed there are many bisexual men (usually tops) who can be cave men, who can have a brute sexual presence, and as bottoms men we love it when we find one. But for the majority of us (the three quarters of us who are bottoms), when it comes to making love to a woman, it does not come that easily. We have more of a female brain. When we kiss we want to express our inner being and we want to get in contact with our lover’s inner soul. We want the kiss to be gentle and sensitive. We want it to start slow and easy and build until it touches the latent caveman inside of us so that we can bring the combined “fire and passion of a poet and a caveman” to our partners. We want what everyone else really wants. We want body, heart and soul connection. We want intimacy. We want to make love, be in love, and love unconditionally. “If I ever kiss you, you will know that, and you will know what a wonderful thing my love is”.
Now I have to encourage my friend’s wife to read this, and if I convince her that it is better that a poet makes love to her than a brute, I may convince my skeptic friend to believe in the power of my words.
[1] Thumber, James; White, E.B. Is sex Necessary. Amazon, 2004
Bi-Ed: Bisexual Education 