Tag: Bisexuality

Bisexuality and Labels – A Rose by any Other Name is Still a Rose

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            Feeling sexually attracted to both men and women has garnered many different labels – bisexuality, sexual binary, pansexuality, sexually fluid, queer, and non-labeled. Then we seem to have to identify our gender to help explain our sexual preferences including the labels cisgender, bi-gender, and gender queer. We may even want to identify ourselves at the soul level by calling ourselves two-spirit people. Why do we do this?

I wonder, do we become our labels?

                There is certainly a danger in that. In one of the best articles I have found on the topic, Lauren Restivo [1] identified Self-Stigma as one of the problems with labeling. According to Restivo individuals may have a tendency to internalize labels resulting in negative perceptions and beliefs about themselves. I believe that when we identify ourselves as being different with a different genetic predisposition it can affect our belief systems. We may perceive ourselves as not being ‘normal’; we may never be ‘normal’, and not being ‘normal’ automatically makes us ‘different’ from significant others such as parents and siblings. If we lose our bonds with others or even live in fear of losing our bonds, it can make us vulnerable to mental pressures. The label can then lead to low self-esteem and feelings of helplessness.

                On the positive side, it can also help us identify with a specific group and therefore form a shield against discrimination from everyone else in the ‘other’ group. However, unlike ‘other’ groups within the LGBQT communities, we tend to go it alone often feeling further isolated. Case in point, I tried to form a friendship group for bisexuals with shared activities. We had over 60 members sign up but only two of us showed up for the scheduled events. When it comes to forming group bonds, on-line does not cut it. We have to be willing to dance and hug together. Finally, a bisexual label can also become a reason or perhaps an excuse to withdraw from living a life of mental and sexual freedom and the subsequent responsibility for honesty to ourselves and others that goes with it.

Is one kind of label more challenging than another kind?

Let’s have a quick look at the labels, what they mean, and why we choose them. If we are going to have a label, I think bisexuality is the best one. In other words we accept that we have sexual attractions to both men and women. We are NOT bisexuals (a noun) but we have bisexual desires (a verb phrase). Sexual binary is simply an attempt to sound and feel scientific which somehow justifies a behavior that does not need to be justified. Ditto for ‘sexually fluid’. Pansexual to me is getting close to the absurd. It suggests that we are free spirits constantly engaging in sex with anyone and anything (a bias we are already fighting against from some groups in society). We are just like everyone else. We are simply engaging in sex for the purpose of seeking intimate connection with other human beings. I do not like the term queer. I am not queer. I and my behaviors are natural and totally comprehensible within my own mind. I do not have to justify them or be in the face of others by playing on their negative terms for us.

                What about gender? Again, there is no need to try to explain or justify our sexual behavior by claiming it is somehow part of our genetic being. This may apply to submissive gays and dominant lesbians but it does not apply to us. There are some of us that feel we may be more comfortable in our ‘other’ gender but I would argue that this would make us transgender rather than bisexual. Transgender is not about sexual behavior; it is about being psychologically more comfortable in our gender feelings rather than our biological bodies. Being bisexual we are more concerned about the expression of our sexuality rather than the characteristics of our being. Some of us like to play either dominant or submissive roles. We like the feel of things like clothing and mannerisms that go along with these roles; they enhance our sexual experiences. Finally, it gets absurd when we have to give a label like cisgender to describe our physical reality. As bisexuals, as opposed to other members of the LGBQT community, we are (or should be) equally comfortable with our heterosexual, gay or lesbian masculine, or gay or lesbian feminine roles. As a conscious human being who happens to be bisexual, I see myself as having whole and complete access to all so called feminine and masculine traits.

                Finally regarding two spirit, I think this applies more to indigenous people. I sympathize with their desires to understand their sexuality within the parameters of their cultural experiences. I also sympathize with their historical and cultural openness to embracing the softer feminine traits that I believe are common to all but particularly shunned by our white culture as being a sign of masculine weakness, a problem that female bisexuals do not have to deal with.  Again I think we have to look at whether this is a transgender issue rather than our bisexual need to explain and justify our sexual desires and behavior. As bisexuals we all share our humanity, and the nature of our sexual desires and sexual identities are common to all of us. We need to accept ourselves based on our similarities rather than our cultural differences. Personally, I feel I have one spirit. That spirit is not sexual. It is the ‘me’ in me beyond my sexual physical desires and beyond the nature of my masculine and feminine characteristics.

Can labels be harmful within society?

                I believe labels can all have the same impact and results when it comes to Self-Stigma; however, different labels certainly create different responses when it comes to how they are perceived by society. Restivo identified another issue that she refers to as Public-Stigma. She states that the public in general has a tendency to engage in stereotypes (which I believe also applies to sexual behavior). She also believes that Public-Stigma can be unintentionally propagated by government and public institutions in the process of trying to define, help, and support people in need (which, again, I think applies to the LGBQT community) resulting in a lot of negative and mostly unfounded public attention.  In my opinion it is better to simply enjoy our sexuality without drawing unnecessary attention to ourselves by seeking some label for some form of justification through group identity. If there are legal issues then by all means we should stand up for our rights. Discrimination and abuse based on our sexuality should never be tolerated. But for the most part, why kick the dog when it is sleeping? By its nature, when aroused, society will react when it feels threatened by people to whom they have been assigned negative stereotypes.

                Then there is the tendency in the social sciences to try to form correlations with sexual behavior and personality disorders such as borderline, histrionic, avoidant, dependent, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and perhaps bipolar disorder. These attempts to explain why we seem to be so uncomfortable with our sexuality create a double label linking our bisexuality with mental disorders which can cause a public reaction. For example, people with bi-polar and borderline personality disorders are often viewed as having wild mood swings resulting in sex binges and engagement in extremely high risk behavior. This association of our sexuality with some kind of abnormal behavior can result is discrimination in the workforce and even in the process of finding life partners.

If I am diagnosed with cancer, am I “my cancer?” Am I diabetic and not human? Small-minded, rich, poor, black, alien, alienated?

No, you are not your negative label. Why limit ourselves? We are beautiful and powerful spirit beings.

Are there good labels? “Health-conscious”?  Loving? Curious? Interested? BFF (best friend forever)? Spiritual? 

Yes. Not all labels are bad. In fact, even labels dealing with our sexuality can be positive. Some of these labels help us understand our feelings and our thinking and behavior patterns. Once we recognize and accept them, we can take steps to live with them and even turn them into positive aspects of our being. The key is to not view the labels as something permanent leading to helplessness, but something temporary that leads to greater self-awareness and understanding. The goal is always to eventually lead more powerful and productive lives.

My Recommendations

1.     Do not wear your labels proudly or with shame. Recognize them for what they are, verbs not nouns, evolving not static. They are thought patterns and behavior patterns that can be changed. Do not overthink your sexuality. Just enjoy and find others who also like to enjoy their sexuality in ways that complement your desires.

2. Words do matter. health care providers, educators, and people in entertainment who have a tremendous influence on the minds of the general population should work to try and choose their words more carefully and avoid inadvertent labels and potential negative terminology. And please no jokes. This is not funny.

3. Avoid Self-Stigma by focusing on building your self-esteem and gaining self-control. The goal is to take control of your own sexual behaviors and the thought processes that go along with them. Sex is sex. Enjoy it without self-judgement.

4. If you are having mental issues, it probably is because of your mental issues, not your sexuality. It is what it is. If you need help getting to the root of why you are having trouble with your sexuality deal with the mental issues behind that feeling.

5. If you feel you need to use a label to help others, by all means do so. Just remember that you do not need a label for yourself to justify your sexual preferences. If you feel you have something to contribute to your fellow human beings who are struggling with their sexuality, then by all means knock yourself out and go for it. Just be sure that you are part of the solution and not part of the problem.

[1] Restivo, Lauren. Words Matter: The Effect of Stigma and Labeling on Mental Health Care in the Military. Psychological Health Center of Excellence. March 19, 2018.

https://www.pdhealth.mil/news/blog/words-matter-effect-stigma-and-labeling-mental-health-care-military

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Borderline Personality Disorder – Fear of Dependency

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual Education2 Comments

              In this article we will continue to explore the relationship between borderline personality disorder and bisexuality. As mentioned in a previous article, about one third of patients with BPD are bisexual. We do not have the data on the reverse of that; we do no know how many of us bisexuals also have BPD, but I guess it would be much higher. Today we will look at fears of dependency and loss of autonomy.

Trait Eight – Pathological personality traits in negative affectivity – Separation insecurity: Fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy. (DSM5)

            In my search of the literature, I found one article that indirectly dealt with fear of dependency and loss of autonomy by alluding to it as part a subtype associated with dependent personality disorder[1]. According to this article, discouraged borderline is marked by noticeable clinginess and a passive follower type of mentality. While on the outside this person might just seem indecisive or weak-willed; they normally experience internal turmoil about their lack of leadership and bitterness toward those whom they feel are controlling them. This type of borderline disorder in a person often leads to self-harm in the form of self-mutilation or even suicide.

            This diagnosis is seen more in women than in men, perhaps due to possible disturbed estrogen levels or part of systematic sexism. However, some research suggests that this tendency affects men and women equally, but women are more likely to seek treatment or to be officially diagnosed as BPD.        

            Descriptors of discouraged borderline includes excessive dependence upon others. They are often compliant and easily swayed by others, even when it goes against their own desires. They have low self-esteem, feel continuously insecurity, and appear to be vulnerable. They may feel hopeless, helpless, powerless, and depressed. There may be a reliance on fantasy or substance abuse as a means to escape.

            The cause is thought to involve many different life factors. These include PTSD, childhood trauma or neglect, a smaller hippocampus or amygdala, genetic predispositions involving genes DRD4 and DAT and chromosome 9, neurobiological factors like estrogen levels, family and social stability levels, and negative social experiences as a child. People with the disorder often have other illnesses including major depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse, or antisocial personality disorder. People suffering from this BPD trait make up a large chunk of suicides on an annual basis. So if you or someone you know is at risk for suicide because of this trait, it is important that you get help as soon as possible.

            Psychotherapy is the primary method used for managing and treating discouragement BPD. Depression and anxiety are among the two most common conditions that can be treated with medicine while the patient is treated for general BPD with psychotherapy. Antipsychotics might be used to reduce anger or suicidal tendencies as well as impulsivity, psychotic paranoid symptoms, anxiety, and depression. It is important to understand that these medications cannot treat BPD, but that the treatment of concurring conditions can help clear the way for a more successful treatment of BPD through psychotherapy.

            So how does this apply to those of us who are also bisexuals? I do not see it as a direct correlation; however, we can make some interesting comparisons. We usually do not fear losing our autonomy in our heterosexual relationship; in fact, we want to wallow in it. We often depend on them for our sense of security and sanity. In fact, we are afraid of losing it. On the other hand, when it comes to our same-sex relationships, we mostly avoid dependency at all cost. We do not want to become dependent and do not want anyone to become dependent on us. We prefer casual. We mainly want to relate just for the physical pleasures we can get. In other words we seek dependency with our life partner and avoid dependency with same sex friends. What we do fear is dependency of the fix and we fight it because we fear it will ruin our lives.

MY Suggestions

1. Come to terms with your sexuality. It is what it is so you may as well relax and enjoy it. You can realize that your impulses are natural urges of your body and your mind. You are not sick because of your bisexuality. You do not need therapy for your sexual impulses but you may need therapy for your BPD.

2. Be honest with yourself and deal with your fears. Discover the worst case scenario and come to terms with it.

3. If your love relationship with our life-partner is essential to your sense of well-being, try to develop the will and power to do without your same sex experiences (this may be near impossible to some of us).

4. If you wish to continue with a secret life, accept it as it is and go on with our secret life,  but you need to be able to do this without anxiety or fear. You have to be willing to accept and live with the consequences.

5. Most of us cannot live with the stress that comes from feeling that we are being dishonest with our life-partner. If that is the case, we have to be honest with them and tell them about our bisexual desires and needs. Once again, we have to be willing to accept the consequences. If our fears and shame are causing us anxiety and pain, we have to be willing to give up our life-partner in order to live lives free of shame, regret and chronic anxiety. If we continue living with these stresses, they will eventually kill us.

[1] Discouraged Borderline Personality Disorder, Optimum Performance Institute. https://www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/

Fears of Falling Apart

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Due to the high positive correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder, we are attempting to get a better understanding of the pathological traits listed in the DSM 5 and how they affect our lives as bisexuals.

DSM5 – Trait Seven – Fears of falling apart or losing control

What We Know

I haven’t been able to find any research data on this trait so I am just going to wing it using the case study of one – myself. Losing control can mean many things to people with BPD. The obvious one for those of us who have anger issues is, of course, losing control of our anger and hurting someone. To others, it may be going over the edge of sanity and never coming back.  Mine is much simpler than that. It was fear of losing control of my life.

In order to survive in this world, I had to cross all the ‘t’s and dot all the ‘i’s. As a child, I had no father and my mother was emotionally absent. That meant I had to nurture and take care of myself. I was a perfectionist, not so others would admire and love me, but so that I could have a plan and work to the plan. I was taking care of myself. During childhood, I compartmentalized myself. In my sports activities the goal was to be better than everyone else. Same applied to academics. Same applied to love. Whatever I did I had to master it, to control it.

The fear behind it was not specifically losing control, it was falling apart. Because I did not have a firm foundation of being loved and therefore loving myself, I was always on shaky ground. That meant conforming to not only the expectations of others but also to the god I had created.  There was no room for error. I not only could not commit adultery but I could not even think about committing adultery. I could not just get a 90% on a paper; it had to be 100 %. If I could not live up to my own impossible expectations then that meant I had failed, and failure meant I was no longer in control. Not being in control meant my world would fall apart.

And what does falling apart exactly MEAN. It meant never being able to complete those circuits in my brain. Never feeling the serotonin soothing after the dopamine rush. It meant never being able to experience the feeling of my accomplishments, activities, and relationships going through the pleasure center of my brain. No endorphins, no healing from that pain that was deep inside my soul. Falling apart meant giving up. It meant that suicide was always there as a possibility. It was the ultimate solution if I could not eventually break through to the other side.

So how did this affect my bisexuality? Well that’s a long sad story.  Because of my feeling that the person I had created needed to survive, that meant I could not risk exposing my sexuality to the people in my life. That meant I had to keep it all secret. If anyone found out, then my whole world would fall apart, the world that I had built as a straight successful human being. That meant that I had to hide in a heterosexual world with a heterosexual wife and heterosexual children. This life was the only life I knew. I felt it was the closest I would ever get to that place of contentment and safety. I had determined in my mind that if this secret would ever come out, that would be the end of life as I knew it, that I would end the miserable life once and for all.

The good news is that when my life did crash, I did not have the courage to kill myself. That meant my old life was dead but I was still alive and free to build a new one, the one I have now. Yes, there is a good life just waiting to be discovered after this old life comes to an end. When we become conscious healthy human beings, sexuality is just there for pleasure. Coming out or being thrown out is not the end of the world. It is the beginning of truly being alive. It is the end of the fears of falling apart.

 

Stay tuned to the next blog for lessons I have learned and my suggestions to cope with this pathological trait.

Why Do Things Always Go Wrong – Part 2

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Due to the high positive correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder, we are attempting to get a better understanding of the pathological traits listed in the DSM 5 and how they affect our lives as bisexuals. 

Last week we looked at the pathological personality traits in negative affectivity related to  anxiousness, specifically  worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities. it was a pretty bleak picture but it does not have to end there. Today we will look how to beat this thing.

  1. First, we have to deal with the anxiousness.  We seem to be doomed to have a never ending procession of anxiety disorders because we cannot stop thinking about all the negative things that have happened to us in the past, and worrying about what might happen in the future. . So how do we fix that? Quite simple, we stop focusing on all the negative thoughts from the past. When they occur we stop the cycle in our mind and say, “No, I am better than that. That is in the past. There is no past. There is only my thoughts about the past and I will control my thoughts. I will refocus on the present and find something positive to view today.”
  2. We often view our bisexual experiences as failure to control our impulses.  We have to come to the point where we accept our bisexuality. This was not a failure and let’s not even consider it as an impulse. It is a decision we made to seek and enjoy sex. Period. No judgement necessary. We simply give our bodies permission to enjoy something beautiful and let it enrich our minds and souls. This is who we are. This is a gift from the universe to be enjoyed. It is a precious opportunity to have physical and emotional contact with another human being.
  3. However, even though casual same-sex sex has its place, let’s not stop there. Let’s find gay or bisexual people that we can relate to on a human level, as fellow human beings. Let’s enjoy the whole person and take our focus off their sexual organs.
  4. We tend to try to suppress our desires because we either do not want to face them or the consequences, or we are afraid we will be exposed leaving us to deal with shame and guilt. If that’s the case, it’s time to face the reality of our situation. We can not keep suppressing our natural wants and desires. That may mean seeking an agreement with our life-partner about our needs for same-sex relationships within the partnership or we may have to face the fact that we have perhaps changed and our needs are now different. We may have to consider leaving the partnership.
  5. The third alternative is to go on expressing and enjoying our sexual needs but keeping them separate form out partners. The truth is not always the best solution; often it just leads to really hurting someone else. However, we can’t let “the  secret” destroy us. We have to come to terms with when and how we enjoy this part of our lives, give ourselves a conscious permission to have these experiences,  and still meet the wants and needs of our partners for love and companionship. Again, the guilt and the shame are all in our minds. We can control our minds. We simply tell our mind that we will not feel shame or guilt. We reject it.

Highs and Lows

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Due to the high positive correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder, we are attempting to get a better understanding of the pathological traits listed in the DSM 5. 

DSM5 – Pathological personality traits in negative affectivity  – Anxiousness: worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities;

A study by Coffman and others[1],  examined  within –person reports from BPD individuals and controls over a twenty-one day period using multilevel modeling techniques. People with BPD had significantly greater polarity heightened by interpersonal stress. They also noted that this polarity led to impulsive behaviors such as self-injury and substance abuse.

When we look deeper into the concept of polarity, it simply means going to extremes from everything is great, to everything sucks. But this is not like bipolar where depression is followed by a manic state. There is no chemical component leading to depression with a yoyo effect to manic; it is a constant state of mind where the two extremes co-exist and surface based on the circumstances. There is always the underlying fear that the situation or relationship will turn from positive to negative.

When we look closer, this may be due to a mind set that is always present in the back of the mind so to speak that says this is too good to be true. So we enjoy, squeezing as much pleasure as we can out of the situation before it crumbles on us. This is a kind of predisposition that always prevents us from any lasting feelings of joy and acceptance. Again, these are usually based on past experiences, usually from early childhood. This is what leads to impulsive and at risk behavior. Enjoy it while you can and to hell with tomorrow.

So how does this apply to us bisexuals. It would appear that we tend to soothe our anxieties through same sex encounters. This tends to send our circuits through the pleasure centers of our brain. This is a great motivation; and it seems that once we engage in the fantasies, they trigger our drive system almost like an addiction. This brings on the high risk behavior knowing that this tryst could bring an end to our other relationships, the ones we depend on for nurturing, friendship, and love. It seems that we are willing to sacrifice these relationships for the sake of the pleasure with a feeling that we may as well get it over with because they will find out sooner or later and leave us anyway.

My suggestions

  1. We make a conscious decision on what life style we really want. It can be either gay or heterosexual or perhaps even have an open relationships where same sex encounters are permitted by our life partner.We want to take the high risk sensations and the subsequent addictions out of the equation.
  2. If we choose a gay life style, there is more likelihood that our partner will see it as normal if we wish to seek other encounters.
  3. If we wish to maintain our present relationship, we have some choices, all of them potentially disastrous.
  4. If we are choosing to try to live a straight life, we do not have to divulge. Sometimes the truth does more harm than good. We simply decide to live a straight life. However. we have probably been trying to do this and have probably failed miserably.
  5. That means we have to be honest with our partner and explain the nature of our bisexuality and see if they can live with an occasional encounter. Most likely they will not. In that case we have to let them go. We can then seek a new partner who may be okay with our dual sexuality.

 

 

[1] Coffman, karen K.G.; Berenson, K. R.; Rafaeli, E.; and Downey, G.. From negative to positive and back again: Polarized affective and relational experience in borderline personality disorder. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. 2012. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028502

 

Please Don’t Look at Me that Way

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Due to the high positive correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder, we are attempting to get a better understanding of the pathological traits listed in the DSM 5. 

 

Trait 1: Pathological personality traits in: negative affectivity –

Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses;   

The key here is that we are wired this way. Rather than rewiring and refiring and rewiring as a cognitive process, which seems to be a dead end issue for us, we should look more towards just taking in the information and accepting it, thereby blocking or not allowing the information to proceed on to the amygdala and the activation of the sympathetic system. To Read More:

Please Don’t Look at Me that Way

Building a New Life

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We continue to explore the correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder. We now understand our orientation and all the turmoil we create through our BPD disposition. in. We are now  embarking on building a new life. We can start by believing in ourselves and believing we have the power to create a life that we will truly love to live.

 

To Read more: https://lawrencejwcooper.ca/hi/

Bisexuality and Mental Wellness

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As Bisexuals we spend way to much time labeling ourselves and trying to forge a scientific and sociological explanation for our sexual preferences. What really matters is how we perceive ourselves, and how we navigate these turbulent waters that we call life. The key is to find peace and contentment with who we are and what we do.

As we have discovered in the research, there is a high correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder, but that too is just another label.  The long journey through the pathological impairments and traits on  DSM5  has made it abundantly clear that most of us tend to have some serious mental issues. However, we will never overcome these issues by continuing to focus on our pathological traits and impairments. Neither will we find peace and contentment by focusing on our sexual preferences. They are what they are. We need to move onto building a better life through mental wellness so that we can then strive for what we all long for – loving relationships.

Therefore I wish to take you on the next stage of our journey to go beyond the limits of our sexual preferences and our pathological traits. We will strive for mental wellness and then go beyond that to building a life that we would truly love to live filled with inner peace and joy along with a strong and healthy sex life.

To do this we will look at the virtues.   We will begin our journey to mental wellness with the grounding virtues. Grounding is a spiritual term defining a process whereby we can become balanced and stable in our physical and emotional states. To read more:

Mental Wellness and the Grounding Virtues

Bisexuality, BPD, and Constructive Psychology

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We continue to explore the correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disordfer. W e have pretty well come to the end of the road regarding the DSM5 as the impairments and traits seem to be a rehash of the same old, same old.  So let’s leave that behind for a while and look at our situation more constructively.  Instead of examining our pathological tendencies let’s focus on building a life that we would truly love to live.

To read more: https://lawrencejwcooper.ca/borderline-personality-disorder-and-constructive-psychology/

 

 

I Choose to Ignore That

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Due to the high positive correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder, we are attempting to get a better understanding of this relationship so that we can learn to survive and thrive with our bisexuality. 

DSM 5 – Pathological personality traits in: negative affectivity – Anxiousness::Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses;

We now move into the field of anxiety and how it relates to BPD traits. The first concern in this area is related to how we react to interpersonal stresses. The dominant factor here is our response to perceptions of rejection.to read more:

I Choose to Ignore That