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Valentine’s Day and the Virtue of Awareness

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img_1394-1Awareness is an act of love, first for the self and then for the special person in our lives. One of the best words of wisdom I have garnered over the years is: “do yourself a favor, love your wife.”  Speaking to all the men out there, and this also applies to women, this is the best investment you will ever make. Whatever you give will come back to you a hundred fold. As humans we need to not only be loved but to feel loved.  Acts of love turn us on, not just sexually, but our entire reward and drive systems are activated.  This is the virtue of joy. This is where awareness comes in.  We should live in constant awareness (not just on Valentine’s Day) of the beauty and virtues of our partner, not only consciously, but especially through our feelings, thoughts and actions. Continuous acts and words of love between us and our partners gives us a window by which we have an opportunity to live in constant joy. When we are in the state of bliss it demands that we give back even more than we receive. Love grows.

Happy Valentine’s and Engagement Day

(We got engaged on Valentine’s Day)

 

You are the sunshine that breaks the gloom of a cold cloudy day,

The reason to get up in the morning after a long sleepless night.

You bring warm sunshine to a cold heart with your beautiful smile,

You bring a cozy feeling that says everything will be all right.

 

You are the reason and the fulfillment of a young man’s romance.

You are the juice that transforms an old man into an innocent boy.

You are the power to conquer all the weaknesses that come my way.

That are the source of love that fills another year with contentment and joy.

 

You are the unmoving rock that anchors my boat in the storm.

You are the warm breeze that continually blows good things my way.

You are the beginning and the end of all my good thoughts and desires.

You are the perfect beginning and the perfect end to an imperfect day.

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Awareness.

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

Awareness is the state or condition of being aware; having knowledge and consciousness.  But awareness can only become a virtue when you don’t just understand it, but you live it. In my opinion, there are three levels of awareness: mindfulness, the acceptance and immersion in the higher self, and the awareness of the day to day pleasures of living. As bisexuals the concept of awareness can take on a whole new meaning.

The first level of awareness is mindfulness.  In my view, it is simply closing down the mind and opening up our souls to all the sensations around us.  It is focusing on the beauties of this world. It can be a walk along the ocean shore with the pungent scent of the salty air or a walk through an old growth forest with the beauty of light filtering down through the maples. It can be the sound of my bird friends singing their hearts out about the joy of living. Mindfulness is immersing my soul in the sweet energies of nature, shutting down the noise of this world, and ignoring the negative energy of my negative thoughts.

The second stage is to become aware of the inner or the higher self.  I am the presence in all the things of beauty. My soul is interacting with all the sweet sensations that surround me. Once in this state of self-awareness, I can feel the surge of positive energy flow through my being. I understand just how beautiful and powerful I am.  I truly understand that there are no limitations on how much I can experience.  I interact with nature and other human beings with an incredible exchange of energy and being.

The third stage is to bring this energy and presence into my everyday life where I can meet each new situation free of anxiety and fear.  I can just be and let things happen around me knowing that all things can lead to joy and personal growth. There are no problems, only opportunities.  There is always choice and I can choose to indulge or walk away.

Now how does this apply to bisexuality?  We are truly blessed on several levels. Here are my five points on awareness and bisexuality:

  1. First, because of the nature of our struggles, we have been compelled to search for our true sexual nature. This gives us the opportunity to become more aware as we search for the universal truths that surround us. This search will either lead to ruin or to a newer level of self-actualization.
  2. In this search, we will come to the understanding that our bisexual gender issues are not part of that reality; they are merely a role that we have slipped into because of the pressures of our families and culture. Once we come to this realization, we can then become aware that our whole life is full of roles that we play. Once we are aware of that we can choose to play the role or to develop our own patterns of living.
  3. The third point is that we really do have a different nature than everyone else. You can refer to it as two spirits in the sense that we have a masculine and a feminine soul, not just sexually, but all the gender qualities that go with it. But in reality, it is only one spirit that combines the whole spectrum of masculine and feminine virtues.
  4. The fourth is our sexual response to life. As bisexuals we can enjoy tremendous sexual energy that we can use to form intimate connection with men and women. We can indulge our feminine personas when we are with a man and our masculine when we are with a woman. We can go beyond the sexual role play and enter into true intimacy where we share not only our bodies but our minds and souls. We are free to choose to do this with one special individual or we can seek connection with whomever we choose.
  5. As bisexuals we have an opportunity to share this tremendous life energy with those around us. We can open our souls to others so that the divine energy, the full energy or a complete human being, can flow to those around us and bless them. This energy is always reciprocal – the more you give the more you get in return.

 

The Virtue of Truth vs Reality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)How does one know and understand reality when all thoughts and decisions are governed by cultural influences? Reality involves the sensations that become perceptions as they are initially processed by the old brain. Then reality becomes a personal interpretation as the messages are sent on to the frontal cortex for second appraisal before action takes place. The old brain functions on instinct, including survival and reproduction. The reality is that every fully intact human being is capable of and tuned into being part of reproduction and the survival of the species. The sex part is biological and in a sense the reality, the gender part is very much what we make it. Therefore, truth is relevant to our perceptions and desires.We each have our own personal version of truth.

Is there a gay gene? Maybe, but probably not. Is there a genetic predisposition to being gay or lesbian? Definitely, but for bisexuals these predispositions seem to involve being more sensitive and vulnerable to circumstances in our environment which in turn leads us to engaging in a variety of sexual practices. We do not seem to bond well and therefore lack the system of controls that most people have.

One of the more fascinating studies on bonding and attraction was a study by Scheele et al[1] in which bonded males tended to avoid contact with attractive females under the influence of a nasal oxytocin spray,  whereas unattached males experienced greater attraction.  So what does this have to do with bisexuality?  It would suggest, at least to me, that bonding,   sexual attraction, and gender choice have to do with the presence of oxytocin. By far the majority of children are born with a oxytocin-based bonding process directed towards a person of the opposite sex so that normal reproduction can take place and the human race can be saved one more time. At some point in human development, perhaps even in the womb, the fetus or child forms a bond with the mother that results in the oxytocin mechanism being formed. So what happens if there is no bond, if the mother is experiencing extreme anxiety and is perhaps under the influence of the anxiety/survival masculine hormone of testosterone? Could this perhaps leave the gay male fetus with the need for a male bond or the lesbian fetus with the need for a female bond? Could it be that the bisexual is left without a definite bond for either male or female, and therefore open to attraction with whomever provides excitement and comfort? This, I believe could be the basis of the gay, lesbian or bisexual predisposition. For gays and lesbians they are seeking bonding with same sex partners but what about the bisexual?

When it comes to making decisions, the administration center of the frontal cortex becomes engaged in trying to sort out this sorry mess, leading to inconsistencies and confusion.  There is no strong definite message about attraction and seeking or preserving the partner bond, because the oxytocin urge defined by predisposition and bonding simply is not there. The bisexual does not have an oxytocin bond with his or her mate so has no inhibition or aversion to sexual contact with another individual.  Because there is no genetic same-sex-aversion oxytocin sensation, the bisexual is open to experiencing sexual pleasure with either males or females without any need or desire to bond.  This usually involves a ego or soul based desire to be faithful in a relationship with a psychological aversion to people of the same sex as the partner, and therefore, a feeling that it is okay to engage with sexual activities with the  sex different from the partner and still maintain a warped sense of being faithful. The drive is strictly pleasure based with a smattering of guilt and shame.  At his point it is simply a choice and the admin center makes the decisions based on the information available including the desire for pleasure from the body and the need for maintaining relationships and positions in society from the ego. Most of the time it is no contest – we choose pleasure.

So what has this got to do with Truthfulness? Simply put, we bisexuals have our own version of truth.  We are not bound by biological aversion controls. We are free to make our decision based on our desire, our need for sexual intimacy, and the cultural desire to please and be faithful to a partner.  The mind and body usually fight over the decisions on what is the greater need and the body often wins this argument with the mind. So where does this leave us in regards to truthfulness?

  1. First and foremost we have to be true to ourselves and recognize that these needs are often overpowering and we have no biological control mechanisms to make the decisions for us.
  2. We have to be conscious of our desires and why we have them. If we are going to be true to ourselves, we have to honor the cravings of our bodies. If our bodies absolutely need the excitement and comfort of these relationships, we have to create a life where these impulses are honored.
  3. If we have a need to create a mentally constructed relationship rather than a bonded relationship with one individual then we should do so. For us bisexuals we have to make a conscious decision on why we want to spend our lives with this person and not just rely on the non-existent bonding biological systems.
  4. We have to realize that our attraction for our partner is not biological bond-based and therefore will vary over time. However, our partner (unless they are bisexual) will have formed a biological oxytocin bond with us and will continue to experience strong sexual attraction for us and will be very uncomfortable with our situation based attraction for them. We have to consciously maintain our levels of attraction for them to accommodate their needs.
  5. We also have to realize that they are bonded to us and have an aversion for relationships with others. They will find it very difficult to understand why we do not respond in like manner.  In other words we have to continuously work on meeting their needs for attraction and security within what is to them a bonded relationship.

[1] Scheele D., Striepens N., Gunturkun O., Deutschlander S., Maier W., Kendrick K., and Hurlemann R.. Oxytocin Modulates Social Distance between Males and Females. Journal of Neuroscience 14 November 2012, 32 (46) 16074-16079; DOI: https://doi.org/10.1523/JNEUROSCI.2755-12.2012

 

Bisexuality, Truth, and Forgiveness

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When seeking the virtue of truth, the most important piece of truth we can discover is that we have always done our best. Given the circumstances of our lives, given the fact that we have powerful sexual drives that demand to be heard, given the fact that we have to balance our desires with our relationships, we have to accept the fact that we did the best we could under the circumstances. There is no need for guilt, there is no need for shame.

I finally have reached this level of consciousness where I not only mouth the words, but I actually accept and believe that I am a good human being. One hot summer afternoon as I did my daily journey through the deserts of Arizona, I finally understood self forgiveness and its effect on self-love.  I was finally free to leave my desert. There was no blame, no shame, no need for guilt. All just was. I was finally free to accept the whole and comforting meaning of forgiveness. I was free to forgive myself for all the mistakes I had made, for all the wrong I had done, for all the wrongs that had been done to me. I was free to return to the world of warm moist winds and rich green life.

 

Ode to the Tree

Forgiveness comes like an October snowfall,

That quietly settles, one flake at a time, on the dead grass,

Covering the barren ground with pure soft white crystals,

A cool white shroud on summer’s passionate past.

 

Feelings fall forgotten like frail dead leaves

Without purpose and life beneath the white;

They are discarded bits of vanity and vitality,

Having fulfilled their purpose on the tree of life.

Yet, I remain in my state of shock like the tree,

Stripped of its drive, purpose, and ability to grow,

Thrusting my life blood back down into my roots,

Away from the cold November winds that blow.

 

But I still live, and I still feel, and I can still dream.

I know that those discarded feelings beneath the pain,

In time shall break down and nurture growth, new life,

When the warm spring sun shines overhead again.

And those feelings like last years living leaves

Have contributed their substances to make me strong;

Their scars have become next year’s branching points,

New life made ready for a new season with a new song.

 

 

 

Bisexuals and Trump

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Like most bisexuals, I truly hate and avoid being political when it comes to my sexual life.  Like most bisexuals, I get my pleasure when and where I can, struggle with being honest with myself and others, and prepare myself as best I can for facing the consequences of my actions. As a bisexual, I do not judge others because I do not want them to judge me. But it is time to leave the cocoon and speak out, to be compassionate, and to care for the well-being of my brothers and sisters in their LGBTQ communities.

Make no mistake, Trump and the extreme-conservative movement is a threat to the rights and freedoms of some American citizens, and if some of us are affected, we all are effected in the end. I was most troubled, and therefore motivated to say something, by a news story today about four journalists who were arrested for covering the so-called inaugural day riot in Washington. We need the truth. Journalists are not always angels but at least they need to be able to present their views of the truth so that we have their information to use in our own decision making.

My wife is German and when she sees what is happening, it takes her back to her roots in Germany that led to the deaths of two uncles as soldiers in the German army, the loss of health for her father, and the imprisonment of her grandfather in a concentration camp for his socialist views. I am also reminded of the imprisonment and subsequent deaths of thousands of gay men who did not fit the mold of the macho, Aryan, German male.

Make no mistake – hate is a vicious master that will gobble up everyone in its path including the ones with the guns.  We have to stop hate now before it is too late. There are two ways to stop hate – by fighting it or by loving it to death. I prefer the second method. This means being aware of the problem but looking past the actors and role players to the root cause. We are all fragmented and played like a fine violin into believing there is “us and them”. But we are all part of the same family. We need to show compassion for our fellow LGBTQers on one hand while engaging in honest and caring dialogue with the conservatives on the other hand. We are not enemies – we have nothing to fear from each other. We have to persistently state our case in a caring and loving way and eventually the truth will break through the covering of lies and hate before us.

Bisexuality and The Virtue of Truthfulness

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

“All our sacred traditions reveal that our life is inherently meaningful because we are the expression of Divine love, justice, kindness, and truthfulness in the world”[1].  In her book, A Pace of Grace, Linda Popov talks about how focusing on our virtues is essential in maintaining a joyous and productive life. I believe it is time for us bisexuals to take our focus off of what we do, and all the shame and guilt that goes with it, and focus on what we are and all the virtues we possess.

I would like to start with the virtue of  “truthfulness”. Throughout my first marriage, I lived a double life.  I was dishonest with myself and my ex-wife. It lead to heartbreak and grief for both of us and a mental crash and thoughts of suicide for me. In order to prevent heartbreak and depression, we have to be honest with ourselves, take an honest look at our actions, and search our feelings. Does our way of life really reflect the values we care most about? Does our life bring us joy? According to Popov truthfulness requires that we, “reflect on the meaning of what is happening in your (our) life and determine the guiding virtues you (we) need to do the right thing and to live more consciously”[2]. Truly this is the way, and perhaps, in the long run, the only way, to truly live a happy and meaningful life.

So how does the virtue of truthfulness apply to bisexuality? Here are my five thoughts on the subject:

  1. First the big one, we have to deal with the thoughts that are preventing us from being truthful with ourselves. The greatest source of these negative thoughts is shame. To deal with shame we have to first understand what it is and where it comes from. It is part of our subconscious mind developed during early childhood by the disciplinary system of our culture.  When we, as children, do something that our parents disapprove of, they try to make us feel remorse or shame. Then, as we get older, we feel this sense of shame whenever we do something that we feel our parents would not approve of.  This then generalizes to our relationships with others, including teachers, peers, and society at large. As bisexuals, we automatically fall into the shame category because our society does not understand our behavior and thus disapproves of the way we live our lives. We have to realize that our bisexuality is our own individual biological predisposition or orientation. We have to recognize that shame is coming from an outside source that is trying to make us conform to its standards. We have to realize that we are free to recognize the source, state our truth, and then respond and behave in a way that is true to ourselves and our orientation.  To live in truthfulness we must not feel forced to conform to  anyone else’s view on our own behavior and morality.
  2. Speak only the truth. This means being truthful with ourselves as well as others. We need to learn how to listen to the inner voice from the higher self that is telling us that there is something wrong with the way we are perceiving things. We have to let the voice speak without interruptions or excuses and then act according to that truth.
  3. We do not have to justify, or feel we have to justify, our thoughts and actions. We simply state the truth to ourselves and then to others as needed. It really is on a need to know basis. If someone inquiries about our actions, we should respond honestly and from the heart and give them only as much information as they need to know. If they want to know more they will ask.
  4. We should not impose our truth on others. Our virtue of truthfulness is never intended to put others in their place or to shock and hurt. We do not have to parade our thoughts and feeling before others who have no idea of where we are coming from and the truth of our inner thoughts and feelings. Truth is a private thing between us and our inner selves and the significant people in our lives. If you want to get involved in LGBTQ politically do it for good reasons but not to follow the crowd or to justify your actions to others.
  5. We must focus on the basic truth. The virtue of truthfulness should lead to a greater sense of being, purpose, and joy. If we are not experiencing these feelings there may be something wrong with our interpretation and practice of our inner truth and our development of the virtue of truthfulness.

[1] Popov, Linda K. . A Pace of Grace. Plume. 2004 (Page 25).

[2] Popov (page 25).

 

 

 

Finding the Higher Self

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img_1394-1In the past, fighting against the desires of my bisexual soul used to drain all my energy. I don’t fight it anymore; I just accept it as a beautiful part of me. Much of the growth has come as a result of getting older. Getting older has its blessings. I no longer chase after fruitless dreams that keep me busy with no real rewards. I choose to see and enjoy the moment and the things of my soul instead of the things of my mind.

Autumn Again

My west deck,

Reaching for the blue sky,

Sitting near the top of the laurel hedge,

Surrounded by trees,

A sea of green, delicious green,

That nurtures my soul

With the vibrations of living things.

The sun pours in its autumn warmth

In golden rays of pure light,

As the silence gathers and spreads,

Offering healing to a tired mind.

 

It is a new age,

The age of not yet old,

But no longer young,

An age where everything fits together,

And I choose to do those things

That offer peace and contentment,

And I choose to give my soul

To a God who does not judge,

But spreads a blanket of love on those who seek,

And I choose to give my heart,

A response to the love energy that surrounds me,

A gift from my higher self to my conscious self,

A gift that keeps on giving and never ends.

The Kinsay Scale and Bisexuality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)I finally found an easy to do on-line test based on the Kinsey Scale.  I have been interested in doing one for a long time but had difficulty finding one. This was my reading:

 

“At times, you’ve found yourself drawn to different types of people: gay, straight, male, female, and whatever else. Your sexuality is about as fluid as it gets, and it’ll probably remain so as long as you’re having sexual impulses”[1]. Yes, I am definitely bisexual.

In curiosity, I checked another scale.  This one dealt with figure ground pictures involving naked women or something else.  I came out “straight as an arrow”[2].

Now I was a bit confused (typical state for a bisexual), so I took a third test.  This one seemed more scientific [3]. It was called the Epstein Orientation Inventory (ESOI). It has a range of 13 with a mean of seven. This time the results indicated that I had a mean sexual orientation of 7 (right smack dab in the middle), a sexual orientation range of 11 (really high), a sex drive of 11.5 (really high), a same sex attraction of 12 (really high), an opposite sex attraction of 11 (fairly high).

So what does this all mean. Well, first of all, it means I am bisexual with difficulty analyzing figure ground due to weakness in visual processing where I tend to focus on the dominant figure by color and intensity. According to the other two scales, yes, I am bisexual. So what? I knew that already. To me there are only two questions:

Have you had sex with a man and enjoyed it.

Have you had sex with a woman and enjoyed it.

If you answered “yes” to both questions you are bisexual. If you answered yes to only one you are either heterosexual or gay or lesbian. If you answered no to both questions you are either too young to take the test, or as Hamlet said to Ophelia, “Get thee to a nunnery,” or perhaps a monastery. I would also guess (very unscientific of me) that most experienced bisexuals like me would have a very high sex drive with a slight leaning towards same sex attractions but backed by a healthy drive towards the opposite sex.  I would also guess that most active bisexuals tend to have an opposite sex partner but frequent or occasional desires and perhaps experiences with same sex acquaintances. The opposite is also true but I would guess the difference to be in the range of 1 to 8.

If we know we are bisexual, why take the tests?  In my case, it was curiosity, a desire to know more about myself, and that is a good thing. We should be curious about our bisexual nature, not out of fear or doubt, but just to expand our knowledge of ourselves and our sexual natures. The more we know about ourselves and our sexual drives, the more we can enjoy our bodies and the experiences we can have through our sexuality.

[1] Greenring, Tanner. Buxxfeed.( https://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/lets-talk-about-sex?utm_term=.juDp2XoZ2#.vbLlVzOjV).

[2] Walker, Kate. How Dirty is Your Mind Accorcing to the Kinsaey Scale. Playbuzz. (http://www.playbuzz.com/katewalker10/this-test-will-help-you-place-yourself-on-kinseys-sexuality-scale).

[3] Epstein, Robert.Straight, Gay, or In Between. (http://mysexualorientation.com/)

In Search of a Higher Self

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img_1394-1The key to living a happy and fulfilling life as a bisexual is to know your higher self. Our sexuality is really a combination of body and mind. The body is neutral; if just follows its biological urges.  The mind or ego does all the evaluation and judging and that is where the confusion and pain comes in.  The higher self is who we are beyond mind and body.  This part of our self has to be discovered and nurtured.  It is the key to living a life of peace and joy regardless of the circumstances of our lives.  This is where our bisexuality takes on a new meaning.  We really are two spirited, possessing a masculine and feminine spirit which have the potential to make us into someone special to ourselves and others. 

 

In Search of a Higher Self

My search continues, daily, moment by moment,

Seeking solutions to questions that are never asked,

Scanning the horizons of my world for enchantment,

Magic that will surpass the limits of time and mind.

 

But the answers are not in the magic of miracles,

Nor in the beauty that surrounds my world,

The answers lie within the minute particles

Of the essence of the energy of my inner soul.

 

Therein lies the substance of my inner self,

The higher portion of my sentient soul.

Herein lies the mystery of peace and contentment,

The fragments of being and thought that make me whole.

 

Herein is my higher self, complete with just a piece of me.

Herein is the mystical self that longs for connection

With all that is and all that will ever be.

Herein swims my essence in the glories of the eternal sea.