Category: Bisexual Men

Bisexuality and the Ego Revised

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2016-03-26_0931Bisexuality is more than just sexuality, or how to have better sex, it also involves the soul and turning confusion into understanding, self-hate into self-love, and then, best of all, developing passionate, committed, and intimate relationships with  men and women.  There is an art to living a great bisexual life, and it begins with control of  the twisted thought patterns of the ego. Before we can truly enjoy our bisexuality, we have to come to terms with our links to pain created by our ego-mind. We want to enjoy sex with other mentally healthy bisexuals who are free to enter into a relationship with us without the negative energy attached to guilt and shame. But first we need to get rid of our own guilt and shame.

According to statistics that we have discovered in previous blogs, bisexuality is a hotbed for growing numbers of mental disorders and suicides, and for everyone that shows up as a statistic, there are several others who just plain struggle with their bisexuality. Many of us simply have a difficult time coping with the anxieties related to our sexual orientations, the back and forth male and female relationships, and inconsistencies of our sexual desires and our need for love.  We then accumulate a string of mental or ego anxieties that can vary from person to person in range and intensity.  At the far end of the curve, we label these struggles as disorders which usually require some form of medical or therapeutic intervention. The two most common disorders are clinical depression and generalized anxiety. However, there is another disorder common to many bisexual men and women that is the root of these other two more common disorders.

We bisexuals often have some mild issues that may lead under crisis (like divorce) to a personality (ego) disorder. Let me be clear.  NOT every bisexual has a personality disorder; in fact, many do not even have any mental health issues. That is great; that is where we all want to be.  However, a very large number of us do have issues related to personality.  In most diagnostic instruments, the following symptoms are listed:

  • Liability to become involved in intense and unstable relationships, often leading to emotional crisis;
  • Disturbances in and uncertainty about self-image, aims, and internal preferences;
  • Excessive efforts to avoid abandonment;
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness;
  • Recurrent threats or acts of self-harm;
  • Impulsive behavior, e.g., speeding, substance abuse.

Two of these symptoms are needed to determine if the person has a personality disorder.

So how is this disorder formed? The mind creates powerful constructs and schema during times of stress and anxiety in childhood, infancy, or even back into the womb. People with a personality disorder have corrupted neural pathways or schema connected to strong emotions and feelings.  They feel inadequate; they believe they cannot succeed; they feel they are a failure. As a result, they create destructive defense mechanisms like denial and repression. Most importantly, reality is too painful so they make up their own reality, their own fluctuating version of truth. In other words, as troubled bisexuals, we tend to be dishonest with ourselves and others about our true wants and needs.

Many individuals with a severe personality disorder also have an attachment disorder. They cannot live with love because they link love with pain. They cannot love themselves; therefore,  they trust no one, love no one, and  cannot bond with others. They create artificial bonds to fill their needs. When they feel threatened or perceive that their needs are no longer being met, they detach from the relationship.  On the other hand, because they feel worthless and fear abandonment, they may feel the need to sacrifice themselves and hang on to a relationship even though it is destructive to their own mental and physical health. In the case of us bisexual married men, this detachment often takes the form of periodically seeking an anonymous gay encounter where we can feel detached from the stress of the relationship we have created.  However, these encounters are usually enjoyed is secrecy and followed by more guilt and shame.

A mind with a severe personality disorder may direct its anger at the self. In time self-anger can eventually turn into self-hate. Hate is different from anger. The healthy mind uses anger as an impulse to provide the body with the energy needed to take actions to protect the self. The unhealthy mind employs anger as a state of being where anger smolders and lingers. This anger may evolve into self-hate and self-loathing.  As bisexuals, we often have only three choices: detachment from the needs of the self, forcing discovery by their partner by careless behavior, or becoming consumed with punishing and destroying the self.

Bisexual men with a personality disorder may also have a sexual identity disorder.  We tend to attach self-hate to our gay sexual orientation. We have to learn to accept and love our whole self including the gay or lesbian self. True healing of a personality disorder accompanied by a sexual identity disorder is often beyond the scope of psychotherapy for the mind. True healing has to take place in the soul or the inner self that is often neglected. This inner power is the higher power that we seek to heal the soul. Next week we will begin working on the ego and bringing it into harmony with the soul or this inner Self.

 

(For my personal story check out my posts on Celebrating Creativity through Poetry)

Bisexuality – Emotions and Mental Health

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2016-03-26_0931For people with mental disorders, and for us bisexuals who struggle with our bisexuality, most problems can be traced back to the emotions. Emotions are good things.  They protect us and urge us on to seek satisfaction and pleasure. However, the ego tags emotions to memories involving unresolved issues.  We need to take back our emotions and use them to protect and enhance the inner Self.

Emotions involve powerful, neural pathways including sensations, feelings, memories, and body hormones.  They are also associated with the broader concept of sexual attraction or arousal.  If it involves memories, arousal then becomes infatuation or perhaps love. Sexual attraction creates a dopamine drive system activating the pleasure center of the brain.  If these perceptions and memories appear to be harmful, the control center (ego) of the frontal cortex goes to work to resolve the problem. When the problems cannot be resolved, they are often repressed but the sympathetic system remains active. The key in controlling these responses is to bring our emotions to the conscious level.

To do that, we can once again use the power of visualization which allows us to dig deeply into matters of the body and soul connection, and the emotional factors that guide and govern our individuality, our belief systems, our spiritual sense of who we are, and our ability to connect to ourselves and others. We need to activate the passion center of our physical/mental being, the center of all those emotions, and use them to experience contentment and love, first for ourselves, and then in our connection to others.

Again, to maintain a healthy emotional center, we can use visualization to restore our drive and pleasure centers to health and wellness.  If there is a struggle to restore we call upon the emotions to lead us to the source of pain. We can again employ visualization to trace the neural pathway until we sense body tension and anxiety.  We then ask the body to reveal the events causing the tension.  Then we allow the emotion to burst out and do the work it is intended to do.  If it is anger, we direct the anger away from the self and towards the person or cause of the pain while giving our self permission to defend itself.  If it is fear, we face it and walk through it to the other side, dealing with it within the safety of the wisdom and power of the conscious Self. If it is sadness, we allow the tears to flow until there are no more tears.   The final step is to touch the emotions, gently, thanking them for their diligence in protecting the Self.  By doing this we connect these emotions to the positive vibrations of Self-acceptance and thankfulness. Once in a conscious state we can decide whether or not we need to take steps to address the issues behind the emotions, or to simply thank the universe for allowing us to grow as spiritual beings by the influence of these people and events.

Another visualization practice is to view the body/soul as the aura.  By being aware of aura colors we become aware of the mood or emotions we are experiencing at that time, and their positive or negative influence on our well being. We can change the dull, or over-expanded aura to a healthy, clear, brilliant, and compact shape and color. By doing this we take negative emotions and transform them to positive ones. The key is to recognize the color, look for negative signs like over expansion and dullness and then restore it to power and clarity.  If there is difficulty restoring the aura, one can again ask the body to reveal the cause of the problem and then follow the same procedure of using the emotion signified by the color to restore the neural pathways. Is this real? Perhaps.  Many wonderful people, including my wife, claim to be able to see and read auras. Even if you do not believe in them, they can still be used as a visualization strategy where you recreate your own emotional reality. Again, it gives your body and soul a chance to talk to you and let you know what needs have to be addressed.

The key in these visual strategies is to not get caught up with words, excuses and lies, but to allow the body to speak its truth through images and feelings.  You will know when you have put these emotions and events to rest because you will see a healthy image in your mind’s eye or feel a sense of peace or power whenever these memories are reactivated in your mind.

 

 

Consciousness and Mental Health

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cropped-logo_2.pngThis is the second in a series of blogs that attempt to combine  good spiritual practices with sound psychological foundations.  Last week we looked at how to enter into a state of mindfulness and awareness.  This is  a kind of meditation that allows us to engage the parasympathetic system and restore brain and body chemistry. Through relaxation we clear out hormonal chemicals like adrenaline and norepinephrine as well as restore moderate levels of salt, sugar and cholesterol, all resulting in lower blood pressure and reducing wear and tear on the body and the mind.  All good things, but meditation can be used for so much more.   Many people, including me, have tried meditation and have been frustrated in trying to be still and empty the mind.  I have discovered that the key is to fill it, not empty it, and we fill it my being aware of the Self. As we become aware of the Self we automatically enter the state of consciousness and once in the state of consciousness we can begin a mindful healing of the body, mind, and soul.

In a previous blog, “May the Force be with You”, we looked at The Energy Healing Experiments by Gary Schwartz[1] .  According to Schwartz, our bodies have measurable forms of energy that generate electromagnetic energy waves. There are waves which seem to emanate from the whole body, perhaps through the water molecules in our living cells [2]. We can refer to them as soul energy, which is often equated with the aura.  In addition, various organs or systems generate specific waves.  For example brain waves can be picked up on an EEG; whereas, heart waves (five times more powerful) are displayed on EKG’s. Schwartz goes on to show through the rigors of scientific experimentation that intent during consciousness can focus these energies to change the behavior of animals, growth in plants, and even affect the well-being of microorganisms in test tubes. In addition, researchers at the Medical Center of Harvard University have recognized the use of mindfulness and consciousness as sources of energy that accelerate healing in post operation patients.

So what does this have to do with consciousness and healing? Everything. Consciousness can be employed as a tool to focus the energies of the brain, body, and soul to bring about healing to specific areas of the body. So how do we do this?  We simply employ a process called visualization. Visualization is more than just use of imagery and fantasy.  It is a process whereby we allow the conscious mind to create its own reality bypassing the reality and anxieties created by the ego-mind. In so doing, we can employ all the energies of the body, mind, and soul to focus on building a new healthy reality.

Our first focus to restoring mental health, especially as bisexuals, has to begin with our bodies.  We must learn to accept and even cherish our bodies in order to restore this flow of energy. First we need to understand that body wellness is intrinsically connected to the brain. As we focus on healing the body we must also focus on healing or restructuring the neural pathways of the brain that are affected by the stress brought on by the anxieties created by the ego-mind. We often form guilt, shame, and body-loathing neural patterns because of our bisexual and bigender struggles which often block the healing energies from entering the body. By reversing negative energy to positive energy we begin to build instead of destroy the body and the brain

An excellent visualization practice is to view the body as a set of seven energy centers that Hindus and Buddhists refer to as chakras . I do not specifically believe these chakras actually exist in physical/energy form, but they may have their own reality through the creation of the spirit-filled, conscious mind. We can actually create and visualize them and then ask them to give us information they contain about the body.  In other words we are giving our body a voice by which it can communicate with the conscious mind. Each chakra is connected to various body, mind and soul functions.  This provides an excellent inventory of areas to check daily for health and wellness during meditation.

Once we have settled into a mindful, conscious state, we check the primary chakra. It is our spirit’s connection to “real life”, located between the hips, in the space above the genitals.  Its purpose is to help the body maintain the primal drives of survival and reproduction  This is the basic spiritual life-force; it keeps us breathing and wishing for one more day of life.  During meditation we simply visualize the Prime Chakra and check for health signs such a brilliance, compactness, and whether it is centered in the body. We can then focus the energies of our conscious mind on the prime chakra until it is restored to a round, compact, brilliant blood-red ball centred in the middle of our being.

If there is a struggle to heal we can ask it to speak to us and reveal the physical and mental areas that need to be addressed, and then sit back and wait for a response, not in words, but in images.  This frequently results in awareness of a physical area that needs to be addressed along with a connection to the neural pathways of the brain. As we visually trace the neural pathway, this usually results in a series of images including events that have made us feel worthless or have dampened our love of life.  We then focus all our energy on these events until we can feel the tension leave our body.  We then refocus on the vital signs of the prime chakra until it is fully restored. We can then use the full energies of the restored prime chakra to focus on the body parts that have been affected while we visualize the healing process.  We then can visualize a restored neural pathway, pruning the connection to pain and negative emotions, and reattaching these memories to positive loving emotions. We can follow this process daily until our bodies are strong and restored to health.

Once we have a healthy mind-set the body is free to use its immune system during the rest of the day to restore the body to complete health.  We can then undertake a good diet and exercise program to help our bodies maintain this health, and of course be diligent in checking daily for negative mental activities that can affect our bodies.

In the next blog we will begin the restructuring of the ego-mind, which of course is the path to mental as well as physical health. The strategies I will introduce in the next series of blogs are all based on imagery and visualization. They are spiritual strategies, but they are also just sound psychological practices.

 

Kundalini – Ode to the Old Oak Tree

You are like the oak, a living taproot, burrowing down into the bowels of the Earth,         Still sucking moisture from the deep, dark dirt when others dry up and drift away.           You refuse to quit when life’s powerful storms persistently belittle your worth,                 You are the burning bush; your red glow flows into my soul, lighting my way.

You maintain your dignity when all others bow their branches to the gods at play.           Your roots are planted in solid ground; they will not run nor buckle nor show                     Any sign of weakness, any indication that we must succumb to this hellish day.             Your roots spread confidently into the rocky soil, demanding your space to grow.

You acknowledge no surrender to the shadows who think they know.                                   Your arms stretch out in defiance; they will not pause, hesitate nor bend;                          You will not bow to those who come to spread their empty words of woe.                             You will fight this battle for me, my Kundalini, to life’s sweet but bitter end.

We are in this together, you and I, through all that comes you will sustain me,           Holding my head, guarding my back, teaching me when, how and why to fight.                 You will guide me through life’s dark jungles into the soft glow of peaceful eternity.        You will keep me in the game, guiding me to the source of the bright white light.

 

 

 

 

[1] Schwartz, Gary, E; Simon, William L. The Energy Healing Experiments. Atria Books, New Your; 2007.

[2] Page 149

Self-Awareness and Mental Health

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logo_2Several responses to my blogs seek to inform me that my message “is not their experience” with bisexuality. Of course not, we are all unique in our sexual and gender experiences. Mine was tainted, or should I say, “guided”, by my mental disorders. I can now understand that my disorders were a gift that urged me on to finally get to know and be true to my “Self”, not my ego-self, but my inner-self, or soul-self, or just plain Self with a capital “S”.

There appear to be two types (sorry, generalizing again) of bisexual people, those who struggle with their sexual identity and those who just seem to feel free and easy to float from one sexual experience to another. However, we are all on the same journey, including all members of the LGBT community, and all heterosexuals. We are here to grow into sentient, compassionate people, and I believe that means to grow the eternal part of our being – our soul. The soul is the place of inner-healing but it is also the center of our being and our power source into the realm of the miracle of living a full and complete life. To do that we have to first become aware that we are more than our mind, which is the ego-self, and become aware of our inner or spiritual Self.

The first step in awakening the Self is to find a way to enter into that inner space in the soul. The only way to do that is to seek a place of quiet, wait until our mind ceases its striving, and then just settle into the beauty of the moment. Once in this peaceful state, surrounded by beauty, a miraculous condition known as mindfulness can occur. In my view, mindfulness begins with mindlessness; it can only occur when the rational ego part of the mind is at rest. I believe our soul now takes over and re-calibrates the brain so that it can absorb all the information coming from all the senses. In my experience, the key is to not process this information, but to just let it flow. The spirit-filled mind now seems to integrate all these sensations with past and present feelings. The mind now appears to function in unison with the soul and absorbs the truths of life from a spiritual sense. I believe this is the field of genius where all thoughts come together, that aha moment where profound scientific discoveries are made. This is the zone where creativity is at its fullest and the words just flow onto the page, or the images emerge out of the white of the canvas. I feel that this is the point where we become mindful of the totality of the physical and spiritual world around us.

My first moment of mindfulness and awareness occurred during my darkest moments after my divorce, exploring the miles of nature trails around my country home. As I continued to let my body and my bulldog take me into the beauty of the day, I began to understand the needs and desires of my soul. I realized there was a lot more to life than serving my family and humanity. It was time to get to know and be true to my Self. So I took an early retirement which left me with half of one small pension. When I realized it was not enough to pay my bills, I left behind the ruins of my troubled past, sold or gave away everything I owned, and headed for the volcanic mountains of Costa Rica where I could thrive financially, mentally, and spiritually. Nestled in my mountain village, surrounded by the simplicity and unconditional acceptance of the Costa Ricans, I was free to enter into the mysteries of awareness.

I spent hours each day on my front patio beside the bubbling river letting my soul guide me into a state of mindfulness. In the process of meditation I became more and more aware of the living things around me. I believe that there is a state of being where we become aware that we are aware. It is during this state of awareness that we see our Self interacting with the plants and animals around us. We experience the Self as something beyond the limits of the ego-self. We begin to realize that we are powerful spiritual beings capable of experiencing and influencing the world around us. As we become more and more aware of our Self, we begin to see the infinite possibilities of life, and we can begin the process of deep inner healing.

There can be no sexual identification or gender healing without reaching into the soul, and the only way to reach into the soul is through awareness. Once we are aware, we can leave behind the days and ways of mental issues and begin the journey towards mental health and mental thriving. In other words, we use the power of the soul to heal the ego-mind.

Bisexuality – Finding Mental Health

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Two weeks ago we looked at mental health for bisexuals through statistics, and of course, it was a downer. The statistics for depression and suicide and attempted suicide are staggering. As much as we put on the brave face, and tell the world the glories of bisexuality, there is another part of our community (and truthfully, a part of ourselves) that remains confused and ready to wallow in the old pain body at the next trigger. So what can we do about it? Lots. In the next series of blogs I am going to deal with Real Mental Health, the keys to maintaining and even thriving in spite of life’s ups and downs. Today we will start with my story.

After coming out to my wife and my subsequent divorce in a marriage that had held me together for thirty-three years, I was suicidal. I admitted myself to an eighteen week, five days a week, five hours a day program at the Mental Health Ward at the University of Alberta, Edmonton. I was diagnosed with Acute Generalized Anxiety, Clinical Depression, Avoidance Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder with Sexual Identity Disorder. With therapy and heavy medication, I was able I get my “act” together and return to work as a psychologist for the next two years. I had new mental strategies and a functioning chemically-balanced brain, but nothing inside my mind or my soul had been healed.

I collapsed into a second bout of generalized anxiety and clinical depression, I was suicidal again. During my darkest days, that voice inside me urged me to remember the miracles of the past and believe that I was worthy of one more. I had witnessed and experienced happenings in my life which had no physical or human-brain-power explanations. When my dear French Canadian grandmother was on her death bed dying of cancer, the family gathered together for her last Christmas. She asked to be propped up on pillows in the living room so she could be a part of the gathering. When she heard the fiddle music of her French soul, she got up, and with one hand on the table, she danced the jig. When the song ended, she collapsed on the floor. They put her back in her bed and she never got up again. Like my grandmother, I decided to dance just one more time.

I gave up looking for answers through my mind and just tried to survive the best I could. In the process of avoiding the pain of my mind and soul, I created a time and space vacuum that needed to be filled. I sold or gave away everything I had except what would fit into two suitcases, took an early retirement, and headed for a mountain village in Costa Rica. For the next two years, I searched for moments where I could shut down my mind and just experience peace and contentment. These moments led to a sense of awareness of the beauty surrounding me that was available through my senses. I was able to find inner peace and gradually took myself off all medications. And then, the greatest miracle of all happened; I was able to get in touch with my inner spirit, the “I”, that part of “me” that is aware, conscious and eternal. With the help of a rejuvenated spirit, I was ready to start the healing process of my soul which has stretched on over the past twelve years.

I believe the natural state of man is the Self (or the soul), whole and complete. In my view, the trial of living, especially in our western world, and especially if we are bisexual, fragments us and destroys the harmony of the Self. I believe that living in the spirit is the key to restoring this harmony which can in turn lead to true mental health. I have come to the conclusion that there is a definite, powerful, spiritual energy which is available to all of us, that comes through the heart in the form of feelings. These feelings can guide and empower our thoughts and our actions. Therefore, the focus for healing and maintaining mental health, must be is on these feelings, not the twisted neural pathways of the mind.

In my bisexual journey, I have explored and tried various spiritual practices. For the most part, I have found them to be useful sources of imagery to assist my soul in visualizing the amazing spiritual world in which I live. I have attempted to narrow down my spiritual beliefs and visualization practices to those that have been tested and found true consistently throughout the trials of my life. Next week we will roll up our sleeves and get down to business.

Dance with Death

And having given all, having left nothing in the arena,
I stand exhausted, panting for breath,
Waiting for my heart to stop,
Letting my struggling mind slip into unconsciousness,
Releasing my tortured soul to give up its will to survive.

Having only the desire to raise the sword one last time,
I reject the rhythm of the unknown drummer;
I reject the solitude and the silence of the dark;
I refuse to close my mind to its fear and striving;
I refuse to seal up my soul and run away and hide.
I choose to dance the dance of my own soul;
I choose to let my feet flow
With the rhythm of my own music.

The dance comes on the wings of violence.
It begins with the girding up of loins,
By taking up the sword of truth,
By facing the monsters of the mind,
Matching blow for blow, breath for breath,
Smashing disillusionment, laughing at Fear,
Meeting Self-Hatred with righteous anger,
Disarming the Black Knight of Nothingness.

Then the dance seeks its own rhythm.
There, in the moment of defeat and surrender,
I dance, and I dance, and I dance
To the rhythm of the beating of my heart.
There, in the moment of defeat and surrender,
I dance, and I dance, and I dance,
Moving my feet to the eternal beat,
That guides my soul along the golden path of life.

The whole story can be purchased at: http://www.friesenpress.com/bookstore/title/119734000021128517/Lawrence-J.W.-Cooper-Bi

Bisexuality –Gender or Sexuality?

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I am a bisexual – I did not choose it, I was born with it. I do not even really have a choice on whether I will be attracted to a male or a female. It comes and goes almost like a bipolar experience, but I hate to use that comparison because there is an unspoken feeling out there that bisexuals are actually mentally unstable (my apologies to the wonderful and stable bipolar friends out there). We are not. We are just delightfully unpredictable, even to ourselves. So what does bisexuality mean? Is it strictly sexuality or is it more?

My daughter was having an evening out with female friends and discussing sexual behavior among young women when the host’s fourteen year old daughter chimed in. She stated that most of the girls in her school feel comfortable having sex with either guys or gals. My daughter and her age 35 + friends were shocked. This new sexual freedom among young women seems to be confirmed by a study by researchers at Boise State University that found that in a group of college heterosexual women, 60 percent were physically interested in other women, 45 percent made out with a woman in the past, and 50 percent had fantasies about the same sex.1

Is this bisexuality? Depends on your definition of bisexuality. If you mean sexual attraction and sexual experiences with both men and women, then it is bisexuality. But that reduces bisexuality merely to sexual behavior. I choose to believe it is much more than that, at least it certainly has been in my own bisexual life.

I could not find a similar study that identified the percentage of heterosexual males that experienced same sex attraction. Even if there was one, it would probably not be reliable because of male confusion and lack of disclosure. Therefore, it is not surprising that the Boise State researchers also found that men were more likely than women to report being “100 percent heterosexual” or “100 percent homosexual” continually throughout their lives. Most of the time we are lumped into the gay population. Most of the combined gay and bisexual statistics range from 2 to 5 percent. My guess is that gay would be 2% and bisexual males an additional 3 to 5%, but certainly not in the 40 to 50% territory. On the surface, this suggests a definite difference among bisexual men and women; however, my guess is that most of these young women eventually will gravitate to one or the other leaving a similar smaller population that continues to experience swings (pardon the pun) from one gender preference to the other on an ongoing basis for the rest of their lives.

I think we can safely conclude from these studies that there are a large number of people (mostly women) who experience a same sex attraction. We can call them bicurious and perhaps even bisexual, but not bioriented and certainly not bigender.

A true bisexual man is at least bioriented. At times we experience strong biological impulses to meet and mate with someone from our own sex. As a man, it gives me a sense of leaving behind my ego-mind and slipping into my biological, hormone based body to respond to the smells, feelings, strength, and pheromones of another man. At other times, I feel attracted to a well-shaped woman walking in front of me. Certainly when I am with my wife and we begin to cuddle and kiss, the lamp lights and my hormones are pushing me towards copulation. I need to feel the pull of my masculine sexuality, the need to dominate her body sexually as our sexual passions blend together. In other words I have a biological biattraction and biorientation towards both men and women.

But my bisexuality is so much more than biological attraction and sexual orientation. At times I feel an overwhelming drive to experience the feminine side of my being physically, emotionally, and sexually; in other words, I flow into my feminine gender is a full body and soul experience. This is when I feel a need to flirt and express my deeper emotions with my male friends. This is when I sometimes need to reach out and hold and hug a man from the heart in the hopes of feeling a magical moment filled with a sense of wonder and completion. This is when I feel the need to feel intimacy with a man and tell him “I love you”. But “I love you” means something different when I am with my wife. I also seem to have a need for a masculine biological/psychological base. I need to feel the power flow through my body as I reach out and hold my woman and feel her face against my chest and my arms wrapped around her body. I need to feel that I am the protecting husband and father.

I cannot truthfully even attempt to know how bisexual women experience their bigender but from studies I have read I believe they are more likely to seek a sexual/psychological base in either a same-sex or heterosexual relationship. They also appear to be more likely to seek deeper relationship in their “other” gender experience, rather than engage in casual sex like their male counterparts. In both cases bisexual men and women seem to need an intimate gender base that meets their needs for relationship, love, and family while maintaining a parallel drive for sensuous and even erotic pleasure in their other side. We do not seem to operate well on our own without a base. The world becomes too chaotic with constant confusion and pulling from the two sides of our nature. The hard part is to find a mate that understands our other side and is willing to give us the freedom to experience our bisexuality as a basic need of our bisexual gender. So there is a tendency to be dishonest and hide our bisexuality from our partners, and of course that leads to suffering and pain. On the other hand, as bisexuals, we are faced with the constant struggle to be true to ourselves, or should that read – to be true to “both selves”?

1 <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2011/10/20/study-more-than-half-of-women-attracted-to-other-women_n_1021730.html&quot;

Bisexuality and Health and Wellness

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual Education2 Comments

I have recently been appointed to the LGBTQ sub-committee of the Saanich Health and Wellness Committee in Greater Victoria, British Columbia. I am attempting to assist bisexual men and women in fitting in with our community. One of the things I have discovered is that we are not very vocal and not as well organized as the gay, lesbian, and transgender groups. There are a few scattered bisexual groups in the Greater Victoria area but there does not appear to be any concerted effort to identify problems and support one another with solutions (by my brief survey of other communities this appears to hold true around the world). What representation there is comes mostly from bisexual women. Men are clearly not visible, but then again that should come as no surprise. Yet, we do have major problems that should be addressed by the community.

Tari Hanneman, Deputy Director of the Health and Aging Program at the HRC Foundation, has stated, “Bisexual people are the largest single group within the LGBT community, but we’re not addressing their specific healthcare needs,”1 Hanneman’s study shows that bisexuals face elevated rates of poor health outcomes ranging from cancer and heart disease, to obesity, (all stress related) sexually-transmitted infections, and mental health issues. In addition:

 Bisexual adults have double the rate of depression than heterosexual adults, higher rates of binge drinking, and are more likely to engage in self-harming behavior, including attempting suicide;

 Bisexual women have higher rates of cancer than the general population of women, higher rates of heart disease and obesity than heterosexual women, and are more likely than all other women to suffer from mental and emotional stress;

 Bisexual men are less likely than gay or heterosexual men to get tested for HIV, leading them to be disproportionately affected by the infection; and bisexual people are less likely to be screened for the human papilloma virus (HPV), which can increase the risk of cancer in both men and women.

In her conclusion, she stated that the reality is that bisexual people face discrimination not only outside of the community, but also from within, and that the community often discourages bisexuals from engaging in and benefiting from the work that LGBT advocates are doing to address mental, physical, and sexual health. “Bisexual people often face outright discrimination when they come out in healthcare settings,” Hanneman said; “That can lead bisexual people to delay or avoid seeking care, or not disclose their identities to their providers. This can mean that medical professionals are not getting an accurate picture of what that patient’s sexual health needs are, or the mental or physical health concerns for which they may face heightened risk.”

The greatest risk to bisexual men, I believe, is in the area of mental health and suicide. It is very difficult to find information on bisexual men alone for obvious reasons; they do not like to disclose or take part in any scientific surveys; moreover, any attempts at suicide will not be attributed to their orientation. In a study by Paul et al, 2002, involving approximately three thousand gay and bisexual men, they discovered that twenty-one percent had made a suicide plan; 12% had attempted suicide (almost half of those 12% were multiple attempters). Most who attempted suicide made their first attempt before age 25. They concluded, “Gay and bisexual men are at elevated risk for suicide attempts, with such risk clustered earlier in life. Some risk factors were specific to being gay or bisexual in a hostile environment.”2 My personal belief is that bisexual men probably exceed these statistics by an additional two to five percent due to nondisclosure.

The saddest statistics are the ones that do not exist. We seldom talk about our problems and usually do not seek counselling from our friends and families, religious institutions, or community mental health institutions. The stresses build and build until we seek the final solution. Bisexual men are withdrawing into the shadows exposing their bodies to disease and their minds to stress and breakdown, and their lives to the hands of the dark executioner – their own tortured self. Time to stand up, I think, and be counted.

1. Lifter from http://www.bi-alliance.org Read More: http://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/abs/10.2105/AJPH.92.8.1338

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2. Jay P. Paul, Joseph Catania, Lance Pollack, Judith Moskowitz, Jesse Canchola, Thomas Mills, Diane Binson, and Ron Stall. Suicide Attempts Among Gay and Bisexual Men: Lifetime Prevalence and Antecedents. American Journal of Public Health: August 2002, Vol. 92, No. 8, pp. 1338-1345.
doi: 10.2105/AJPH.92.8.1338

Hyper-Bisexuality

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual Education1 Comment

According to Simon LeVay, a neuroscientist and writer based in West Hollywood, California, “Bisexual men might have their ‘hyper-heterosexual’ female relatives to thank for their orientation.”[1] He attributes this to an X-linked gene that increases attraction to male sexuality. He claims that even though this genetic link may not be the determining factor in gay and bisexual sexual orientation, it’s certainly seems to influence it.

LeVay refers to a study by Andrea Camperio Ciani and colleagues at the University of Padua, Italy. [2] They asked 239 men to fill out questionnaires about their families and their past sexual experiences. On the basis of their answers, the men were classified as heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual. The results showed that the maternal aunts, grandmothers and mothers of both bisexual men and homosexuals had more children than those of heterosexual men. They suggest that the genes on the X chromosome may be responsible for influencing a woman’s attitude to men rather than actually increasing her fertility, making her likely to have more children. According to Camperio Ciani and colleagues, the same genetic factor appears to be passed down to both bisexual and homosexual men. .

These findings support some of the studies that we have looked at in previous blogs. A study by Blanchard and associates found that gay men tend to have more older brothers; the likelihood of being gay increased by a third to one half with each male fetus[3]. They suggest that these outcomes may be linked to pheromones[4]. The theory is that mothers develop a higher level of female pheromones to counteract the male pheromones of the fetus with each successive male pregnancy. This may reduce the male pheromones and create a higher percentage of female pheromones thus resulting in female psychological and perhaps even internal physiological characteristics. One last study before the conclusions, a study by Derr way back in 1976 indicated that homosexual men have significantly higher levels of testosterone.[5]

Granted these studies seem to have a whole lot of theory based on a small amount of science; however, the conclusions and possible implications are interesting to say the least. These studies suggest several things.  First, the genetic X component may be connected to a heightened awareness and attraction in both men and women to testosterone based pheromones from men. Secondly, males from larger families may be influenced by powerful female pheromones interacting with the male pheromones of the male fetus during pregnancy.  Either way, the evidence is mounting for a biological based attraction toward males in gay and bisexual men.

Here are some additional thoughts. Perhaps (just guessing, for after all that is the prerogative of a blogger) the degree of the power of the maternal X may  also determine whether we are completely gay or sort of half gay/half heterosexual as in bisexual.  A second possibility may be the strength of the forgotten Y component from sexually aggressive fathers.  Could it be that the degree of male sexual aggression and increased testosterone in bisexual men simply leads to a powerful drive that neutralizes the aversion aspects of the oxytocin bond?  As bisexuals we have a powerful testosterone based drive;  we  are definitely attracted to men and definitely attracted to women. Furthermore, could it be that we may have a hyper heterosexual/homosexual combined genetic XY factor that increases our drives directing them to male and/or female pheromones?

Perhaps the title should be “hyper-sensitivity”, or “hyper-sexuality”? Perhaps the title should be “hyper-bisexuality”?  Could this explain why we are so driven for gay sex even though we have healthy sexual relations with our female partners?

 

[1] Bisexuality passed on by ‘hyper-heterosexuals. https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn14543-bisexuality-passed-on-by-hyper-heterosexuals/

[2] Journal reference: The Journal of Sexual Medicine (DOI:10.1111/j.1743-6109.2008.00944.x)

3. Blanchard, R.  2001. “Fraternal birth order and the maternal immune hypothesis of male homosexuality.” Hormones and Behaviour, 40(2), 105-14.

[4] Money, 1987. Meyer-Bahlburg, 1995. Blanchard, 2001.

[5] Peter Doerr, MD; Karl M. Pirke, MD; Gotz Kockott, MD; Franz Dittmar. Further Studies on Sex Hormones in Male Homosexuals. Arch Gen Psychiatry. 1976;33(5):611-614. doi:10.1001/archpsyc.1976.01770050063010.

 

Two Spirits

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual EducationLeave a comment

logo_2Fresh out of university, I spent two years teaching and living on reserves in Northern Manitoba among the Cree and Chipewyan First Nations people.  It has profoundly affected me, giving me a broader perspective on the meaning and purpose of life.  It has taught me to accept every individual simply as they are without any form of judgement. As I set out to explore the meaning and nature of bisexuality, I have once again been reminded of the beautiful spiritual-social nature of the First Nations community before it was influenced by white man’s political-social views and its moralistic standards of sexuality.

Taking the lead from traditional Native Americans and Canadians, I do believe that I, and most other bisexuals, are part of a greater community of Two-Spirited people; we simultaneously house a masculine and a feminine spirit.  Ontario has explored the Two Spirit concept in an attempt to fully understand and support individuals within the LGBT community:

“Two-spirited” refers to a person who has both a masculine and a feminine spirit, and is used by some First Nations people to describe their sexual, gender and/or spiritual identity….These can include terms such as the Lakota’s “winkt” or the Dinéh’s “nàdleehé”, both of which refer to men who fill social roles associated with women, or terms which refer only to sexuality, such as the Mi’kmaq phrase “Geenumu Gessalagee”, which means “he loves men.”[1]

So what have we learned from our Native Canadians about our bisexuality? Lots, we gain a view of bisexuality as a soul-trinity involving sexuality, gender, and spirit.

First of all, make no mistake, it is sexual.  “He loves men” means “He loves men”. We have a tendency in our WASP traditions to wax over the sexual part and focus on some kind of mystical spiritism.  That kind of paternalism is not doing the Two Spirit people true justice.  Sexuality is part of our being; it is a full body-soul expression of who we are.  One of the great warriors of the Sioux, Crazy Horse, is generally believed to have had a male lover.  He was far from effeminate and yet he had a love for men.  The beauty of the native cultures is that they have demonstrated a gentle acceptance of variations in people’s sexuality.  It appears that First nation’s people simply accepted without question or judgement that Crazy Horse loved a man, and that any man or woman could have more than one sexual preference.

In reading the work of Gabriel Estrada with the Navajo, I found this wonderful concept:

“Third and fourth gender roles traditionally embodied by two-spirit people include performing work and wearing clothing associated with both men and women. Not all tribes/nations have rigid gender roles, but, among those that do, some consider there to be at least four genders: feminine woman, masculine woman, feminine man, masculine man.”[2]

 The second lesson then is that First Nation’s people also recognized that Two-Spirited includes gender as well as sexuality. It appears that in the First Nation’s communities, all expressions of gender were generally accepted.  They understood that some men preferred to wear women’s clothing, work alongside the women, and help tend the children. There was no attempt to marginalize them or prevent them from influencing the young people within the community.

In our broken society, the only way for a Two-Spirited man to express his feminine gender is to cross dress in the privacy of his own home or in clubs that will accept his feminine expression.  My introduction to my feminine gender was trying on women’s clothing at age 15.  Later in my life, after my divorce, a spent a year enjoying cross dressing.  When I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the passable face and body of a woman looking back at me, I felt I had found my true identity.  I never did dare to appear in public in my feminine gender identity; that takes the kind of courage I was not able to muster. In our society, as soon as one has been identified as being transgender, he or she is often marginalized and their involvement in the greater society is restricted. My knowledge and experiences as an educator, a psychologist, and a spiritual guide would have been totally disregarded.

I have a gender foundation that has been pruned and shaped by my negative social experiences.  In my society I am merely that queer bisexual man who left his wife so he could have sex with other men. In my struggles, I was labelled by psychologists and psychiatrists as having a personality disorder with a gender identification disorder.  I saw myself as a disorder and a misfit to society.  When I left the pseudo scientific theories behind (tough to do because I was a psychologist by profession), I began to see my gender as a gift from the universe .  At that point, I no longer had a personality disorder as I was able to see myself and love myself as I am.

I came across this additional piece of information:

 “A direct translation of the Ojibwe term, “Niizh manidoowag”, “two-spirited” or “two-spirit” is usually used to indicate a person whose body simultaneously houses a masculine spirit and a feminine spirit”.[3]

In the First Nation’s communities, Two-Spirit people could have a different but definite role in the community. They simply accepted everyone’s contribution as a spiritual gift and allowed them to express their gender-spirit in any way they wished. They could be powerful warriors such as Crazy Horse, or “they were often the visionaries, the healers, the medicine people, the nannies of orphans, the care givers.”[4] Among the First Nations people, there is general recognition that those who have been blessed with two spirits have a special contribution to make to the health and wellness of the community.  The nature of the blended spirit becomes the essential factor.

In my case, I have a spirit that is a blend of my man-spirit and my woman-spirit.  It is this Two-Spirit soul that makes me different; that makes me special.  If I were a member of an historic First Nations Community, I may have been a wise man, a shaman or a healer. My male-female sexuality, two-gender, two-spirit identification has become a beautiful foundation where I can experience my world from two spiritual views.  I now have a unique way of seeing and feeling things that I can employ to help guide my community to insight and compassion.  I have two spirits

In my search of the literature I came across one disheartening trend.  Some First Nation’s people do not want the LGBT community to appropriate and corrupt the two-spirit concept, and I do not blame them.  Unfortunately, we tend to take and use a term to prove our need for special attention in the political arena.  This concept is too precious for that.  Likewise it is too precious to appropriate it and corrupt it to describe and justify our sexual preferences. Our sexual desires do not need to be justified; they are what they are.   This term is certainly not political; it is much more than just sexual, and even more than bisexual. It is holy.  It is spiritual.

 

[1] http://lgbtqhealth.ca/community/two-spirit.php

[2] http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Two-Spirit

[3] Estrada, Gabriel S. 2011. “Two Spirits, Nádleeh, and LGBTQ2 Navajo Gaze.” American Indian Culture and Research Journal 35(4):167-190.

[4] Roscoe, W. (Editor) 1988,Living the Spirit: A Gay American Indian Anthology. City: Publisher

How to Keep a Bi-man at Home

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual Education2 Comments

 
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The following has been written by my wife, who has tried to understand my bisexuality so that she can help me on my life’s journey.  We have consciously worked out our sexual passion  so that it can enrich our relationship.  Here is her advice to bisexual couples:

 

Intimacy requires emotional sensitivity and sexual compatibility.

Since a bisexual man is basically gay, he has a very active sex drive that needs to be met. At the beginning of a relationship he may be besotted with the woman meeting his emotional and physical needs. He may not pay attention to her having an average to low sex drive. Over time he may become aware of her lack of interest which may become the one reason that drives him back into the arms of gay lovers.

Couples in a bisexual relationship need to be sexually compatible if they want to flourish. ( Which is also true for heterosexuals.) There needs to be a willingness to bring in excitement based on knowing what turns the partner on. Bi men can instantly be ready to mate, and be unaware that their female partner needs emotional and physical stimulation to get aroused. If that does not happen she may become frustrated and withdraw or become a ‘routine’ partner.

Women don’t like being used as sperm ‘receptacles’, they want to be seduced and played with. A good lover needs to have sexual skills and a good knowledge of the most responsive and pleasurable spots on his woman’s body. The ecstacy/oxytocin he produces in her makes her want more and keeps the excitement alive. On the other hand there is nothing wrong with an occasional ‘quickie’, but the emphasis is on occasional.

Some bottom guys may take on the role of the female and expect the woman to initiate sex. This works when the couple have a heart to heart connection where the woman is keen on pleasing her man in a role reversal. It also requires knowing what her man likes. Frank and honest communication is the key to letting each other know what works.

Bisexual men seek out women because they want a heart to heart connection. Gay encounters can leave them emotionally empty and unfulfilled. Their beautiful sensitive nature wants to be nurtured and expressed. It’s the female partner’s privilege to meet that need by accepting and appreciating her man’s feminine side.

By being active sexual and emotional partners the need to seek pleasures outside the relationship can thus be greatly diminished. 

 

My response.

I dare not contradict anything said here (lol), but there is one note I would like to add.  In response to one of my readers, I have to agree to disagree that we are not necessarily “basically gay”. We are heterosexual and gay and really not either but a combination of the two and maybe not even that.  Like three out of four bisexual men, however, my fantasies tend to focus on male sex.  But, when it comes to love and intimacy I gravitate to women.  I am the only bisexual my wife sees so this is her honest perception.