Category: Bisexual women

Bisexuality and Clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety

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A systematic review and meta-analysis by Ross and others[1] in 2017 examined 1,074 articles that reported bisexual-specific data on standardized measures of depression and/or anxiety. They looked at studies that reported mean scores and standard deviations for bisexual and comparison groups. They narrowed it down to 52 studies that passed stringent guidelines. Only eight of the 52 included studies that stated a bisexual-specific objective in their abstracts. Results indicated that bisexuals exhibited a consistent pattern of higher rates of depression and anxiety than heterosexuals and lesbian/gay people. They proposed that there were three interrelated contributors including sexual orientation- discrimination, bisexual invisibility, and lack of affirmative support. They argued that there was a lack of quality bisexual research despite evidence of greater mental health concerns.

Let’s first deal with the issue of invisibility of bisexual people. The answer is obvious, at least from the viewpoint of bisexuals. WE DO NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN STUDIES. We prefer anonymity. Our sexual behaviors are private. We do not consider it a problem and certainly not cause for public concern. That would be true in most cases; however, we can’t ignore the number of us that are going through severe mental issues that seem to somehow be related to our bisexual nature. BISEXUALITY IS NOT A MENTAL CONDITION. Okay, that’s certainly true, but why are so many of us experiencing mental issues?

Secondly, let’s look at discrimination. Gay and Lesbian culture is now widely accepted by the general population but nonbinary, trans (especially men converting to women), and bisexuals are still facing a backlash. Transgender and conversion is a huge topic in itself so let’s leave that for another time. It is generally accepted that bisexuals face discrimination due to biphobia. It appears that the heterosexual community or the public at large seems to fear bisexuality as some kind of covert behavior that can lead to the weakening of the family and the general state of the community and country. It can be manifested as a disbelief in bisexuality as a valid identity – you are either a man or a woman and therefore should engage in sex as a heterosexual or as gay. The second issue is bi-erasure which refers to the tendency to deny or ignore our existence by both the general population and within the LGBTQ+ community. That would be good in itself; it is our own damn business. We want to be invisible so we can live our own lives and pursue sexual pleasures as our hearts so desire. But again, why the high incidence of clinical depression, generalized anxiety and suicide attempts. It is apparently an issue that cannot be ignored.

That brings us to the issue of lack of support. It would appear that the general population just want us to go away, or at least, just be quiet about our sexual tendencies. However, we may not have problems ourselves as individuals and we usually refuse to join groups of bisexuals for advocacy or just affirmation. I remember trying to start a meet-up group for bisexual people in Victoria BC. I immediately had close to fifty sign-ups. Another individual and I decided to have a meet-and-greet at our favorite breakfast venue. Nobody showed up except the two of us. However, the issue here is that as individuals we may be okay, but a very large number of us need to meet-up not for sex but just to talk about our issues and realize we are not alone. We also need to advocate for one another, not about our human rights, but about the unhealthy occurrence of mental issues among us.

                This brings us to the second major concern of this study – the lack of quality research with bisexuals as the major target population. We need to know a whole lot more about why so many of us are experiencing life-threatening mental health issues and then we have to start doing something about it.

Action Plan

  1. Many of us bisexuals need help and those of us who have gone trough our own Armageddon need to advocate for the help they need.
  2. We must work together to advocate for the meaningful inclusion of bisexual people in mental health research. We can advocate directly to our colleagues and acquaintances, and through our writing and involvement in professional associations.
  3.  There is certainly a need to address the mental health of individual bisexuals. We can advocate for affirmative support in the mental health sector. We can share information and resources about bisexual mental health. We can help people in decision making positions understand the need for intervention.
  4. We can be a voice in the LGBQR+ community to bring awareness of our specific gifts, talents and needs.
  5. There is no need for anonymity. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Like everyone else we are free to pursue sexual pleasures in our own unique way. Sex is meant to get the endorphins flowing for the establishment of meaningful relationships and creating a sense or well-being. If that is not happening, we may be in danger of becoming another statistic in mental health research.

[1] Lori E. Ross, Travis Salway, Lesley A. Tarasoff, Jenna M. MacKay, Blake W. Hawkins, and Charles P. Fehr. Prevalence of Depression and Anxiety Among Bisexual People Compared to Gay, Lesbian, and Heterosexual Individuals:A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. National Library of Medicine Published online: 03 Nov 2017. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29099625/

Bisexuality, Nonbinary Nature, and the Human Heart

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(The thoughts in this post are in no way meant to be critical for other people’s sexual experiences. They are simply part of my own life story.)

Bisexuality is much more complex than just the physical structures and chemistry of the brain. I also experience a variety of emotions such as joy and contentment when sex involves love, and confusion and self-doubt when I explore my sexuality through casual sex. After sex I often question things and wonder how it all fits into my life story and my love relationship with life-partners and family. I have an open relationship with my present life-partner, but I still have to deal with the feeling that my mate is the special someone who is at the core of my thoughts and feelings about sex and love relationships.

It is through our life-partners  that we may be involved in the production of offspring and the creation of a family. In my own experience, by being a father, I was able to  enter into a whole new dimension of love and sexuality. In my first marriage, when the children were younger and needed my contributions as a father, I kept my urges basically under control except for a few failures where I simply felt overpowered and ignored the possible consequences. However, once the children were grown up and were independent solid and productive human beings, all hell broke loose.  It resulted in my marriage break-up which I have regretted to this day. I was unable to let the love of my soulmate keep me from same-sex impulses. In my mind I could probably tell you why this had to happen, but I still view it as my own personal failure. My love was not strong enough to control my sexual impulses.

In spite of what I have deducted rationality, being nonbinary has had very little to so with my sexual urges. Being nonbinary simply means I do not adhere to widely accepted gender roles. I am free to form intimate relationships with both males and females, with or without sex. I am neither strictly male or female in the way I think and feel. I may be a combination of both or simply have socially evolved beyond restrictive standards established by society. I can experience freedom in gender identity switching from male to female based on my feelings or sexual expressions.  The female identity part of me may involve specific behaviors associated with being female like skills in social interaction and emotion regulation, while the male part of me might be involved in protection and providing. However, it is much more complex than that. At the root of it all is my desire for love and the need to overcome the complications placed on me by societal norms, morals, and expectations. In order to love myself I need to love being me and have the freedom to love whomever I want to love.

Sex for me has to be connected to love. After sex I need to linger in the moment to develop more love for myself and the one I am with. The male part of me uses dopamine and endorphins to pursue sex and enjoy body and brain pleasure. The female part of me uses serotonin after sex to help reinforce feelings of trust and relationship. Oxytocin is very powerful in my female side to help me sexually bond with my lover, so I have to be very careful with whom I have sex. Bonding means I have to give part of my emotional heart to my lover and receive part of my lover’s emotional heart in return. That means I have to connect at a deeper level of sex than casual hook ups. That means I have to have relationship before starting the sexual bonding process.

Yes, because of my nonbinary nature, I seek more intimacy with my partner with more touch, hugs, kisses, and perhaps sex. I explore the depths of love with my partner and share all those delicious feelings. Above all, I will never stop loving myself regardless of what I say or do. This love for myself lets me respect and appreciate the power of sex.  This love lets me respect and care for my present wife and any future potential sexual partners.

Bisexuality and BPD – Make a Plan and Stick to It

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Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) – Pathological personality traits in Disinhibition – impulsivity: acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes (DSM5).

The Problem

                As mentioned in previous blogs, over 2% of the population have some degree of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and roughly a third of those with BPD are also bisexual. There are no stats for the reverse – the number of bisexuals with BPD – but my guess is it would be even higher. We often engage in harmful behaviours to ease distress in the short-term, despite the possible serious negative consequences in the long-term. Of the BPD population 8 to 10% of us eventually commit suicide – this rate is more than 50 times the rate of suicide in the general population and 10 times the rate in people diagnosed with Depression, and that does not even include those of us who depart because of drug overdoses. One of the defining traits that is connected with suicide attempts is impulsivity. In this blog we are going to take a look at how this trait of BPD affects us as bisexuals and we are going to focus on developing plans and strategies with due consideration of outcomes. First let’s take a look at the science to see what we are up against.

The Science

                Cackowski and others[1] used self-reporting to study 31 unmedicated women with BPD and 30 healthy matched women controls using measured response inhibition under resting conditions and after experimental stress induction.  Patients with BPD reported higher impulsivity under both conditions. They concluded that there is a significant impact of stress on self-perceived state impulsivity and on response disinhibition in females with BPD.

                So what is happening in the brain? Leyton and others[2] studied 13 medication-free men and women with borderline personality disorder and 11 healthy controls using positron emission tomography (PET Scans) during a survey of go/no-go commission error activities. In both men and women, negative correlations with impulsivity scores were identified in the medial frontal gyrus, anterior cingulate gyrus, temporal gyrus, and striatum. They concluded thatsynthesis capacity in corticostriatal pathways may contribute to the development of impulsive behaviors in persons with borderline personality disorder. In the male subjects, low trapping was also observed in the medial frontal cortex extending into the orbitofrontal cortex, as well as in the corpus striatum. These sites correspond to regions that seem to be involved in  mediating the planning, initiation, and inhibition of goal-directed behaviors, working memory, and emotional affect.

What it Means

                So what does this mean in plain English? Well friends, we have a problem. Not only do we engage in risky behavior, not only do we seem to intentionally neglect to plan ahead, but under stress we seem to forget all the plans that have been planted in our brains by past experiences and the good intentions of therapists. As bisexuals this is often connected to our sexual behavior. We tend to seek encounters to relieve stress and we tend to avoid safe sex to add a risk factor that adds a level of excitement and pleasure. There is a reason for this. It is the way we are wired. Because of our genetic predisposition to be over sensitive, and the environmental factors that have shaped our behavior patterns, we now have a brain that says run like hell from pain, indulge in pleasure, and to hell with the consequences. The brain scans indicate that both men and women have difficulty reacting to sensory information to controlling emotions (corticostriatal pathway). Women seem to rely more on an emotional response whereas men run into further difficulty when we try to organize that information for decision making (frontal cortex extending into the orbitofrontal cortex). We both end up in the same place with seeking emotional relief usually by avoiding pain and seeking pleasure regardless of the consequences (temporal cortex, limbic areas). This seems to be particularly relevant under stress. As bisexuals we actually seek the pleasure and stress that goes with is rather than try to avoid it. So how do we combat our natural reactions, especially under stress?

Here are my five suggestions for bisexual borderliners:

1. First line of attack is to control your stress and anxiety levels. To do that you have to learn to read your body signals and stop the anxieties in their early stages before they blow up and you lose control. After that – game over until next time.

2. The best way to relieve anxiety is to get out of your emotional mind (corticostriatal pathway). The best way to that is to shut down all thought because at this stage thought leads back to emotion. You can do this by deep breathing. By concentrating on your breathing you interrupt the flow of negative energy into your brain. I recommend the thirty second breathing activity (in the past I said eight for anxiety relief, but science now suggests thirty for healing and building new brain patterns). Take a deep breath and then slowly let it all out (I recommend a stop watch rather than counting). When there is no air left, hold that until the 30 seconds are up. Keep doing this until you feel a sense of peace, calmness and control.

3. Once you have achieved this sense of peace, you are now free to confront your emotions. Self-talk your way through the process. I recommend doing this out loud as this will engage more of your brain and bring some organization processes to the emotional center. Tell yourself why you are seeking sex. If it is for pain relief or to alleviate stress, don’t do it. Find a better way to deal with the pain. If it is for pleasure and you have considered the consequences (besides just pleasure) than go ahead and enjoy. Bisexual women are naturally good at this. They are usually more emotionally intelligent than men and allow themselves the freedom to explore their emotions with their sex partners resulting in an emotionally and physically pleasing experience (sorry for the sexism but there is some truth in it). Bisexual men tend to shut down their emotions all together and just focus on the physical pleasure and may miss out on the broader pleasures that come with intimacy.  

4. Now that your emotions are under control, you are ready to tackle the problem that caused the emotional reaction. This is where your orbitofrontal cortex comes in. You can do this in two parts. First see where the event fits into your life story. You may gain insight into what has happened in the past to cause you to react this way. You can then decide what it is you wish to build into your life in the present and future through your sexuality. By looking at the whole picture, the top down approach, you can see where individual decisions fit into the greater good for yourself. You can then bring your sexuality and the emotions connected with it into your bigger life picture thus adding meaning and purpose into your sexuality.

5. You can then go on to making a plan and putting gates and strategies in place for when these kinds of situation occur in the future. Men are good at this; it’s the emotions that they cannot handle. Both men and women bisexuals with BPD need to build new thinking and behavior patterns. If your plan does not seem to be working, and if you seem to be sabotaging your own goals and happiness, you may need to seek professional help. Whatever strategies you put in place don’t give up on them. It took me sixty years to develop my self-defeating thought and behavior patterns and it took me two years of constant vigilance to change them. Just keep believing in yourself, learn to say you are sorry (including to yourself), learn from the experience, reset your goals and strategies if needed, and remember that you can do this. You are a beautiful and powerful spirit being. Your sexuality is there to bring pleasure, intimacy, and love into your life. Keep the goal in mind and work towards that goal one step at a time.  

[1] Cackowski, S.; Reitz, A.; Ende, G.; Kleindienst, N.; Bohus, M.; Schmahl, C.; and Krause-Utz, A.. Impact of stress on different components of impulsivity in borderline personality disorder. Cambridge University Press.  March, 2014.

https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychological-medicine/article/abs/impact-of-stress-on-different-components-of-impulsivity-in-borderline-personality-disorder/E8AF2E2CB9606F30E1F3AA9EF7F12679

[2] Leyton, Marco; Okazawa, Hidehiko; Diksic, Mirko; Paris, Joel; Rosa, Pedro; Mzengeza, Simon N.; Blier, Pierre; Benkelfat, Chawki.  Brain Regional α-[11C]Methyl-L-Tryptophan Trapping in Impulsive Subjects With Borderline Personality Disorder. The American Journal of Psychiatry. Vol 158, Issue 5, 2001

Published Online:1 May 2001 https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.158.5.775

 

Bisexuality and Interpersonal and Intrapersonal Intelligence

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                We are living in a world in crisis. Literally millions are dying from Covid 19 and as many or more are leaving this world due to drug overdose, depression, and suicides. We are asked to trust science and seek intellectual solutions; however, as we have seen, we humans tend to pride ourselves on an intelligence that is based on logical-mathematical reasoning even though it is so prone to errors due to our biases.

                Harvard psychologist Howard Gardner in his book, Multiple Intelligences[1], suggests seven different intelligences including: Linguistic, Mathematical and Logical, Visual and Spatial, Bodily Kinesthetic, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal, and Music. In recent years he has suggested an eighth, called existential or spiritual intelligence, which he defines as our capacity to reflect upon issues such as the meaning of life[2].

                Today I want to look at intrapersonal intelligence  which I believe is a combination of emotional intelligence and  spiritual intelligence and interpersonal intelligence, which I believe can best be  understood as emotional intelligence.  The two go together. I do not think we can have one without the other. Intrapersonal intelligence includes emotional skills like knowing how to relieve stress and to face and overcome challenges. Spiritual skills include self-awareness, living in the moment, acting on the basis of positive beliefs, and having the ability to stand back and examine our setbacks and learn from our experiences. Interpersonal intelligence includes emotional skills like communicating effectively and being able to resolve conflicts positively, and spiritual skills such as deep empathy for others, valuing and respecting differences, and understanding how our actions influence others and affect the greater good.     

                In order for mankind to survive these trying years ahead, we need to first have intrapersonal skills which basically means we have to understand ourselves and why we think the way we think and do the things we do. This means we have to first find peace within ourselves before we will have peace in the world. The first step is learning how to manage our response to stress. We have to get back to our premodern mind states where we used to spend ninety percent of our days just absorbing and responding to the world around us with gratitude and joy. Only in this state can we sense what is right and good; only then can we release our minds so that we can respond to our environment holistically and use the positive energy around us to heal our bodies and our minds. Once in this state, we can become aware of the power and beauty of our spiritual selves. We can live in the moment and deal with issues and conflicts as they arise with clear minds and positive intent. When things go wrong, we can step back and analyze the situation, see where we went wrong, and plot a new course while accepting and growing from the lessons we have learned.

                Once we take the beam out of our own eye, we can strive to remove the speck from our neighbor’s. We can empathize with others, understand why they are saying and doing what they are saying and doing, and not only set aside our differences but actually see that the differences can be used for a better understanding. We can then use this collective wisdom to find real solutions to real problems. In this way we will reinforce each other’s positive beliefs and use the power of our combined spiritual energies to make this world a better place to live.

Here are my five suggestions for bisexuals:

1. Develop your intrapersonal intelligence. Learn to know yourself. Why you think the thoughts you think and why you do the things you do.

2. Once you truly get to know yourself, accept yourself just the way you are, and begin the process of truly loving this wonderful person that you have become.

3.  Instead of rationalizing your sexuality, and labelling and classifying yourself as queer or bisexual or bigender, just accept your sexuality as part of who you are and allow yourself to enjoy being you and to experience the wonderful sensations that your body can provide.

4. Develop your interpersonal intelligence. Instead of random encounters try to really get to know the people you have sex with at an intimate level.

5. Be honest with yourself and intimate others. You can choose to have many friends for many different reasons. If it just for great sex that is perfectly okay. You deserve it. Enjoy it. If it is having intimate friends without sex that is okay too. Define your relationships and share your thoughts and feelings with those who are important to you. 

[1] Gardener, Howard. Multiple Intelligences. Basic Books. New York. 1983.

[2] Gardener, Howard. Intelligence Reframed. Basic Books. New York. 1999.

Borderline Personality Disorder – Fear of Dependency

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual Education2 Comments

              In this article we will continue to explore the relationship between borderline personality disorder and bisexuality. As mentioned in a previous article, about one third of patients with BPD are bisexual. We do not have the data on the reverse of that; we do no know how many of us bisexuals also have BPD, but I guess it would be much higher. Today we will look at fears of dependency and loss of autonomy.

Trait Eight – Pathological personality traits in negative affectivity – Separation insecurity: Fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy. (DSM5)

            In my search of the literature, I found one article that indirectly dealt with fear of dependency and loss of autonomy by alluding to it as part a subtype associated with dependent personality disorder[1]. According to this article, discouraged borderline is marked by noticeable clinginess and a passive follower type of mentality. While on the outside this person might just seem indecisive or weak-willed; they normally experience internal turmoil about their lack of leadership and bitterness toward those whom they feel are controlling them. This type of borderline disorder in a person often leads to self-harm in the form of self-mutilation or even suicide.

            This diagnosis is seen more in women than in men, perhaps due to possible disturbed estrogen levels or part of systematic sexism. However, some research suggests that this tendency affects men and women equally, but women are more likely to seek treatment or to be officially diagnosed as BPD.        

            Descriptors of discouraged borderline includes excessive dependence upon others. They are often compliant and easily swayed by others, even when it goes against their own desires. They have low self-esteem, feel continuously insecurity, and appear to be vulnerable. They may feel hopeless, helpless, powerless, and depressed. There may be a reliance on fantasy or substance abuse as a means to escape.

            The cause is thought to involve many different life factors. These include PTSD, childhood trauma or neglect, a smaller hippocampus or amygdala, genetic predispositions involving genes DRD4 and DAT and chromosome 9, neurobiological factors like estrogen levels, family and social stability levels, and negative social experiences as a child. People with the disorder often have other illnesses including major depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse, or antisocial personality disorder. People suffering from this BPD trait make up a large chunk of suicides on an annual basis. So if you or someone you know is at risk for suicide because of this trait, it is important that you get help as soon as possible.

            Psychotherapy is the primary method used for managing and treating discouragement BPD. Depression and anxiety are among the two most common conditions that can be treated with medicine while the patient is treated for general BPD with psychotherapy. Antipsychotics might be used to reduce anger or suicidal tendencies as well as impulsivity, psychotic paranoid symptoms, anxiety, and depression. It is important to understand that these medications cannot treat BPD, but that the treatment of concurring conditions can help clear the way for a more successful treatment of BPD through psychotherapy.

            So how does this apply to those of us who are also bisexuals? I do not see it as a direct correlation; however, we can make some interesting comparisons. We usually do not fear losing our autonomy in our heterosexual relationship; in fact, we want to wallow in it. We often depend on them for our sense of security and sanity. In fact, we are afraid of losing it. On the other hand, when it comes to our same-sex relationships, we mostly avoid dependency at all cost. We do not want to become dependent and do not want anyone to become dependent on us. We prefer casual. We mainly want to relate just for the physical pleasures we can get. In other words we seek dependency with our life partner and avoid dependency with same sex friends. What we do fear is dependency of the fix and we fight it because we fear it will ruin our lives.

MY Suggestions

1. Come to terms with your sexuality. It is what it is so you may as well relax and enjoy it. You can realize that your impulses are natural urges of your body and your mind. You are not sick because of your bisexuality. You do not need therapy for your sexual impulses but you may need therapy for your BPD.

2. Be honest with yourself and deal with your fears. Discover the worst case scenario and come to terms with it.

3. If your love relationship with our life-partner is essential to your sense of well-being, try to develop the will and power to do without your same sex experiences (this may be near impossible to some of us).

4. If you wish to continue with a secret life, accept it as it is and go on with our secret life,  but you need to be able to do this without anxiety or fear. You have to be willing to accept and live with the consequences.

5. Most of us cannot live with the stress that comes from feeling that we are being dishonest with our life-partner. If that is the case, we have to be honest with them and tell them about our bisexual desires and needs. Once again, we have to be willing to accept the consequences. If our fears and shame are causing us anxiety and pain, we have to be willing to give up our life-partner in order to live lives free of shame, regret and chronic anxiety. If we continue living with these stresses, they will eventually kill us.

[1] Discouraged Borderline Personality Disorder, Optimum Performance Institute. https://www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/

Wives of Bisexual Men – Part 2

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The following is an except from the book my dear wife has written called When Life Has Other Plans. In it she describes her feelings when I told her I was bisexual:

 

Lawrence and I emailed regularly and he lamented about his situation. We also occasionally talked on the phone when he was out of the house. Because the reception was so poor where he lived, it was more stressful than helpful. The decision to start a new life was his. I had decided I was going to be fine one way or another. No more screaming at the Universe in my hallway…

Then Lawrence announced he would come back for the month of September and live with his daughter while we would clarify things. I was delighted because his efforts told me that he was getting serious about moving forward. After I had picked him up from the airport, we went for a walk along a beautiful beach. In this romantic ambiance he announced that he had a gift for me and pulled a little white box out of his pocket. I started to panic because I wasn’t yet ready for the big question. To my relief I found a beautiful little necklace with a shiny blue glass heart. “The colour reminded me of your eyes!”, he told me. I was touched.

On our walks I found out more about bisexuality which is the most secretive of gender issues. Bisexuals often live a normal life on the outside to satisfy their need to fit into society, yet have to hide their same-sex tendencies. When Lawrence’s guilt feelings created a deep depression and he confessed to his wife on the suggestion of his therapist, she immediately divorced him. It broke up his ‘perfect’ family life and, at the time, cost him the love of his children.

His life was in shambles, and after trying to continue working in his career, he gave up his teaching job and went to Costa Rica for a few years to find inner peace. This stay was the beginning of his ‘pruning’ stage, of letting go of the past and making room for new experiences to show up.

It seems that many of us have to go through some drastic shakeups first (from chaos to order), so we can reach a higher level of consciousness. When I was able to see the parallels between his and my life, my heart really understood. I, too, had had to break up my family to become free to follow my path.

 

For more information about how my wife handled the situation I recommend you read her book:

 

 

You can check out her website at

Home

 

Wives of Bisexual Men

Published on by Bi-Ed: Bisexual Education2 Comments

The following is an except from the book my dear wife has written called When Life Has Other Plans. In it she describes her feelings when I told her I was bisexual:

 

Unexpected Circumstances

Then one day Lawrence disappeared without saying good-bye. I received an email stating that he was on his journey back home to the East coast. Crossing Canada by car, in March, seemed a bit crazy to me and thoughts of having been conned, again, started to creep into my mind. Didn’t I know our connection had been too good to be true? I had a precognition about some kind of trauma coming my way.

Sure enough, when Lawrence was back home, he sent me an email with the first chapter of a book he was planning to write. The contents hit me like a ton of bricks: Lawrence indicated that he was bisexual and living in a platonic relationship with another man. Just my luck! I had fallen in love with gay men before, but they had all been honest about it. Lawrence claimed he had been afraid to bring it up during our wonderful time together and that I would have rejected him for it. A thought he couldn’t bear because he cared so deeply for me!

I was left to struggle with all this information and no opportunity to clarify many of the questions I had, such as how come he had been married to a woman for 33 years, had two children with her – when he was gay. (In those days I didn’t know anything about bisexuality.) He asked me not to phone the house, so as not to make his partner suspicious, therefore we could only email. 

Feeling inconsolable and bereft I didn’t know where to turn with this delicate information. I called some friends who were a lesbian married couple. I wanted their input, but they could only recommend to keep calm and encouraged me to see what would develop. I was shaken to the core to have found someone so compatible and now out of my reach again. 

That’s when my spiritual practices and personal growth work started to pay off. I noticed that I could no longer sink as low as I had in the past, since I now had solid ground under my feet and contact with my Higher Consciousness. I wasn’t going to give my hard-earned power away again.  

***

As a bisexual man I still have gay desires from time to time but I have learned to control them for the sake of the love I now share with this woman. Honesty is at the core of our relationship. I can share all my thoughts and feelings with the woman I love. My advice to other bisexual men and women is to first be honest with yourself and then with all the important people in your life.

For more information about how my wife handled the situation I recommend you read her book:

Dorothea L. Gordon B.A. M.Ed.

    

Bisexuality and Separation Insecurity

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Due to the high positive correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder, we are attempting to get a better understanding of the pathological traits listed in the DSM 5 and how they affect our lives as bisexuals.

DSM5 – Pathological personality traits in negative affectivity – separation insecurity: fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others

We have already looked at fear of abandonment as a pathological impairment. In other words, the fear of being abandoned impairs our ability to function normally in society or may lead to mental disorders. When we look at this as a trait, we are still functioning but we have a tendency to consider abandonment or rejection in our decision making; that is, we have a neurological pathway or mind state or belief that we automatically pass through as part of our decision making. So let’s take a closer look at this as a trait.

Zanarini (2009)[1] obtained data from 77 female subjects with acute BPD, 15 with remitted BPD, and 75 healthy controls. They were assessed using the Rejection Sensitivity Questionnaire, the short version of the Borderline Symptom List, the Childhood Trauma Questionnaire, and the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale. Zanarina discovered that all the BPD patients, including those in recession, had higher scores on rejection sensitivity, which correlated with lower self-esteem. Childhood maltreatment did not appear to be a factor. She concluded that rejection sensitivity is an important component in BPD, even for remitted BPD patients, and that the level of self-esteem appears to be a relevant factor in the relationship between rejection sensitivity and BPD symptom severity.

So what does this mean in plain English? First, we must realize that this study equates “real or imagined abandonment” with “rejection sensitivity”.  In other words, we are hypersensitive to any indication of possible rejection from significant others. Secondly, we can conclude that these fears are related to our low self-esteem. Thirdly, stepping outside the boundaries of this study, we can conjecture that these negative thinking patterns are possibly connected to some genetic predisposition coupled with early childhood social-emotional experiences, rather than physical maltreatment. We can further conjecture, based on past studies of the human brain (Michl and others, 2014)[2], that these feelings are possibly related to mechanisms of shame located in the anterior cingulate cortex and the parahippocampal gyrus both found in the temporal lobes. Again, with further conjecture, we see that the temporal lobes are responsible for the processing of language and the emotions attached to the delivery of words.

Sorry, that was not plain English, was it? Let’s try again. In other words we are wired to be sensitive to signs of rejection. We particularly look for body language and verbal tones to see how things are going. If our partners show any sign of disapproval we immediately experience levels of anxiety. It is important to us that significant others continuously demonstrate approval. We aim to please. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It all depends on the levels of latent shame and anxiety. At this point, it is still a trait but if we do not deal with this trait it can become an impairment and lead to a warped relationship. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. We create a situation where our worst fears become a reality. We may behave is a way that will result in being  abandoned so that we can bring closure and an end our anxieties.

Now let’s apply this to our bisexuality. As bisexuals, especially us male bisexuals, there is an obvious problem here. We hide our gay and lesbian tendencies because we fear rejection and separation from those who are important in our lives. This begins with a low self-esteem; we are basically insecure. We need the affirmation of others to provide us with a sense of security. This begins with our parents. If they show any sign of disapproval for gay or lesbian activities, we then have to hide our same-sex impulses. That means we seek what appears to be “normal” friendships with same-sex friends, and pursue heterosexual relationships to hide our gay and lesbian tendencies. We usually end up married in what appears to be a ‘normal” heterosexual relationship. Because we are bisexual, there are no problems having sexual relationships with our spouses and we end up as mothers or fathers and a complicated life style. We cannot risk being rejected by those we love so we continue to hide our tendencies. If we cannot control our same-sex desires, we are a tragedy just waiting to happen.

The obvious solution is to get rid of the anxieties related to our sexual desires and our need for security.

My Suggestion for Bisexuals

  1. Be honest with yourself and your loved ones. Dishonesty is a major source of anxiety. Living with constant anxiety and negative energy from your emotions will literally kill you.
  2. Do an inventory of your impulses. Do your same sex desires come from an unhealthy need or are they based on honest and healthy expression of your heart and body?
  3. Above all stop living with constant fear and anxiety. Get rid of the need to please others. In order to live a healthy life, you have to learn that you are the most important person in your life. You are the only one you really have to please. You may have to make some difficult decisions about your sexuality. Whatever you decide, make sure it is for you and not to please others.
  4. Remember you are bisexual. You can go either way. If your joy truly comes from your family situation, make a deal with yourself. Recognize that you have both desires. Give yourself permission to have both desires and make a conscious decision to choose your heterosexual situation.
  5. If your same sex desires are so powerful that you do not want to live without them you will have to make a deal with your life-partner. If they cannot live with your bisexuality you have to be prepared to separate.

[1] Zanarini, Mary C. Reasons for Change in Borderline Personality Disorder (and Other Axis II Disorders). HHS Author Manuscripts. Psychiatry Clinic North Am. 2008

[2] Michl, Petra; Meindl, Thomas; Meister, Franziska; Born, Christine; Engel, Rolf, R; Reiser, Maximilian; and Henning-Fast, Kristine. Neurobiological underpinnings of shame and guilt: a pilot fMRI study. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 2014,

 

Fears of Falling Apart

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Due to the high positive correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder, we are attempting to get a better understanding of the pathological traits listed in the DSM 5 and how they affect our lives as bisexuals.

DSM5 – Trait Seven – Fears of falling apart or losing control

What We Know

I haven’t been able to find any research data on this trait so I am just going to wing it using the case study of one – myself. Losing control can mean many things to people with BPD. The obvious one for those of us who have anger issues is, of course, losing control of our anger and hurting someone. To others, it may be going over the edge of sanity and never coming back.  Mine is much simpler than that. It was fear of losing control of my life.

In order to survive in this world, I had to cross all the ‘t’s and dot all the ‘i’s. As a child, I had no father and my mother was emotionally absent. That meant I had to nurture and take care of myself. I was a perfectionist, not so others would admire and love me, but so that I could have a plan and work to the plan. I was taking care of myself. During childhood, I compartmentalized myself. In my sports activities the goal was to be better than everyone else. Same applied to academics. Same applied to love. Whatever I did I had to master it, to control it.

The fear behind it was not specifically losing control, it was falling apart. Because I did not have a firm foundation of being loved and therefore loving myself, I was always on shaky ground. That meant conforming to not only the expectations of others but also to the god I had created.  There was no room for error. I not only could not commit adultery but I could not even think about committing adultery. I could not just get a 90% on a paper; it had to be 100 %. If I could not live up to my own impossible expectations then that meant I had failed, and failure meant I was no longer in control. Not being in control meant my world would fall apart.

And what does falling apart exactly MEAN. It meant never being able to complete those circuits in my brain. Never feeling the serotonin soothing after the dopamine rush. It meant never being able to experience the feeling of my accomplishments, activities, and relationships going through the pleasure center of my brain. No endorphins, no healing from that pain that was deep inside my soul. Falling apart meant giving up. It meant that suicide was always there as a possibility. It was the ultimate solution if I could not eventually break through to the other side.

So how did this affect my bisexuality? Well that’s a long sad story.  Because of my feeling that the person I had created needed to survive, that meant I could not risk exposing my sexuality to the people in my life. That meant I had to keep it all secret. If anyone found out, then my whole world would fall apart, the world that I had built as a straight successful human being. That meant that I had to hide in a heterosexual world with a heterosexual wife and heterosexual children. This life was the only life I knew. I felt it was the closest I would ever get to that place of contentment and safety. I had determined in my mind that if this secret would ever come out, that would be the end of life as I knew it, that I would end the miserable life once and for all.

The good news is that when my life did crash, I did not have the courage to kill myself. That meant my old life was dead but I was still alive and free to build a new one, the one I have now. Yes, there is a good life just waiting to be discovered after this old life comes to an end. When we become conscious healthy human beings, sexuality is just there for pleasure. Coming out or being thrown out is not the end of the world. It is the beginning of truly being alive. It is the end of the fears of falling apart.

 

Stay tuned to the next blog for lessons I have learned and my suggestions to cope with this pathological trait.

Why Do Things Always Go Wrong – Part 2

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Due to the high positive correlation between bisexuality and Borderline Personality Disorder, we are attempting to get a better understanding of the pathological traits listed in the DSM 5 and how they affect our lives as bisexuals. 

Last week we looked at the pathological personality traits in negative affectivity related to  anxiousness, specifically  worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities. it was a pretty bleak picture but it does not have to end there. Today we will look how to beat this thing.

  1. First, we have to deal with the anxiousness.  We seem to be doomed to have a never ending procession of anxiety disorders because we cannot stop thinking about all the negative things that have happened to us in the past, and worrying about what might happen in the future. . So how do we fix that? Quite simple, we stop focusing on all the negative thoughts from the past. When they occur we stop the cycle in our mind and say, “No, I am better than that. That is in the past. There is no past. There is only my thoughts about the past and I will control my thoughts. I will refocus on the present and find something positive to view today.”
  2. We often view our bisexual experiences as failure to control our impulses.  We have to come to the point where we accept our bisexuality. This was not a failure and let’s not even consider it as an impulse. It is a decision we made to seek and enjoy sex. Period. No judgement necessary. We simply give our bodies permission to enjoy something beautiful and let it enrich our minds and souls. This is who we are. This is a gift from the universe to be enjoyed. It is a precious opportunity to have physical and emotional contact with another human being.
  3. However, even though casual same-sex sex has its place, let’s not stop there. Let’s find gay or bisexual people that we can relate to on a human level, as fellow human beings. Let’s enjoy the whole person and take our focus off their sexual organs.
  4. We tend to try to suppress our desires because we either do not want to face them or the consequences, or we are afraid we will be exposed leaving us to deal with shame and guilt. If that’s the case, it’s time to face the reality of our situation. We can not keep suppressing our natural wants and desires. That may mean seeking an agreement with our life-partner about our needs for same-sex relationships within the partnership or we may have to face the fact that we have perhaps changed and our needs are now different. We may have to consider leaving the partnership.
  5. The third alternative is to go on expressing and enjoying our sexual needs but keeping them separate form out partners. The truth is not always the best solution; often it just leads to really hurting someone else. However, we can’t let “the  secret” destroy us. We have to come to terms with when and how we enjoy this part of our lives, give ourselves a conscious permission to have these experiences,  and still meet the wants and needs of our partners for love and companionship. Again, the guilt and the shame are all in our minds. We can control our minds. We simply tell our mind that we will not feel shame or guilt. We reject it.