Category: Bisexual women

Sex and Virtuous Living

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(This is an excerpt from my book, Sex and Virtuous Living, which will be published in the near future.)

Virtues are beyond the power of the mind; they are the intrinsic qualities of the soul. They are all there just waiting for us open them up and live a purposeful and satisfying life. The human soul contains the mind with all its desires and fears, the heart which longs to reach out to others, and the spirit that longs to connect through positive energy vibrations with others and the universal source of positive divine energy that we can refer to as universal love. This interplay of mind or ego, heart, and spirit has the potential to create the virtues that can lead to bliss and self-actualization.

It is my belief that we are more than body and mind. Granted the human mind is an amazing organ that can draw upon sensations and perceptions to create amazing concepts and schemas that, perhaps, may include some concept of a higher self interacting with a loving god or a universal source of positive energy. But from my studies of the brain and the mind, I do not see how the brain by itself can develop the qualities needed for virtuous living. The mind is very self-centered and focuses on creating and responding to desires that lead to its pleasure and competitive achievement. It wishes to survive at all costs and to be the alpha female or male so that its genes can dominate the next generation.  Even the most altruistic motives can contain an internal reward. Regardless of our views of the Source, the Universe, the Tao, or God as some exterior source of power and enlightenment, most of us would agree that we do in fact have a higher self, that part of us that wishes and attempts to create a higher purpose and be a part of a higher human society. It is this part of the human soul that we will be working with throughout this book. It is this part of the soul that we can tap into to create the virtues needed for spiritual self-actualization.

In our western world, sex and human relationships are terribly misunderstood and the cause of massive amounts of negative energy that surface as depression, anxiety, grief, anger, and hate. Sex is a powerful force that originates in the reproductive organs, the hormone system, and the limbic system of the old brain. It is designed to preserve the human race through copulation and reproduction.  Sex is sex regardless of the issues experienced by various groups in our society, so we will be looking at is as one of the basic drives of the body, mind and soul as well as how it applies to the LBGTQ community and to trauma victims of rape and abuse. Regardless of our sexual experiences, we can channel the sexual energies of our bodies into positive feelings, wholesome relationships, emotional healing, and an energy source we can ride to self-actualization. The way to do that is through consciously developing virtues.

Virtues are qualities or characteristics of the human soul. Even though they may lead to compassion and altruism, they are basically about the self and the interplay of the ego-self, the heart, and the spiritual or higher-self.  We are human beings with all the desires and fears, but we are also spiritual beings who long to resonate in positive vibration with others and to reach out to the Source of Life and Love. Virtues require a desire to cooperate and flow with others towards some universal good. To seek true virtues, I believe we have to go beyond the functions of the mind where there is no perceivable reward other than being part of the flow of goodness and love.

I have divided the virtues into four blocks of five that I label as grounding, centering, love, and spiritual self-actualization. Like Maslow’s hierarchy, each one builds upon the other. The foundation of virtuous living begins in being grounded in the spiritual reality of the higher self.  As we visit each virtue we will attempt to connect it with the drives of survival and reproduction.

Virtuous Living , that will be published in the near future.)

Virtues are beyond the power of the mind; they are the intrinsic qualities of the soul. They are all there just waiting for us open them up and live a purposeful and satisfying life. The human soul contains the mind with all its desires and fears, the heart which longs to reach out to others, and the spirit that longs to connect through positive energy vibrations with others and the universal source of positive divine energy that we can refer to as universal love. This interplay of mind, heart, and spirit has the potential to create the virtues that can lead to bliss and self-actualization.

It is my belief that we are more than body and mind. Granted the human mind is an amazing organ that can draw upon sensations and perceptions to create amazing concepts and schemas that, perhaps, may include some concept of a higher self interacting with a loving god or a universal source of positive energy. But from my studies of the brain and the mind, I do not see how the brain by itself can develop the qualities needed for virtuous living. The mind is very self-centered and focuses on creating and responding to desires that lead to its pleasure and competitive achievement. It wishes to survive at all costs and to be the alpha female or male so that its genes can dominate the next generation.  Even the most altruistic motives can contain an internal reward. Regardless of our views of the Source, the Universe, the Tao, or God as some exterior source of power and enlightenment, most of us would agree that we do in fact have a higher self, that part of us that wishes and attempts to create a higher purpose and be a part of a higher human society. It is this part of the human soul that we will be working with throughout this book. It is this part of the soul that we can tap into to create the virtues needed for spiritual self-actualization.

In our western world, sex and human relationships are terribly misunderstood and the cause of massive amounts of negative energy that surface as depression, anxiety, grief, anger, and hate. Sex is a powerful force that originates in the reproductive organs, the hormone system, and the limbic system of the old brain. It is designed to preserve the human race through copulation and reproduction.  Sex is sex regardless of the issues experienced by various groups in our society, so we will be looking at is as one of the basic drives of the body, as well as how it applies to the LBGTQ community and to trauma victims of rape and abuse. Regardless of our sexual experiences, we can channel the sexual energies of our bodies into positive feelings, wholesome relationships, emotional healing, and an energy source we can ride to self-actualization. The way to do that is through consciously developing virtues.

Virtues are qualities or characteristics of the human soul. Even though they may lead to compassion and altruism, they are basically about the self and the interplay of the ego-self, the heart, and the spiritual or higher-self.  We are human beings with all the desires and fears, but we are also spiritual beings who long to resonate in positive vibration with others and to reach out to the Source of Life and Love. Virtues require a desire to cooperate and flow with others towards some universal good. To seek true virtues, I believe we have to go beyond the functions of the mind where there is no perceivable reward other than being part of the flow of goodness and love.

I have divided the virtues into four blocks of five that I label as grounding, centering, love, and spiritual self-actualization. Like Maslow’s hierarchy, each one builds upon the other. The foundation of virtuous living begins in being grounded in the spiritual reality of the higher self.  As we visit each virtue we will attempt to connect it with the drives of survival and reproduction.

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Trust

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)By definition trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something, but I believe it is much more than that. When we consider trust as a virtue, it becomes a characteristic of the conscious human being on her/his way to self-actualization.

It would appear that every past president of the United States, philosopher, entertainer, and sports hero has at one time in their lives said something quotable about trust. The best quote on the virtue of trust comes from Steve Jobs: “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever…”[1] So what is trust, really? Where does it originate, what does it have to do with love, and how does it manifest itself when we apply it to bisexuality?

First of all, real trust is not about anyone else; it is about the interaction between the ego-self and the inner or higher-self.  It is not about the body because the body just want to survive, feel pleasure, and reproduce. It has nothing to do with the mind and our belief system because the mind is very skillful at twisting what it sees to fit into its belief system which is designed to help us thrive and excel in our social environment. It does not come from the heart because the heart’s sole purpose is to connect with others and is willing to sacrifice everything in exchange for acceptance and connection.  Trust originates in the gut which is the voice of the inner or higher self. We have to learn to trust this voice to guide us in our search for the higher purposes of life.

This brings us to the question of love. As stated many times before, love is the relationship between the ego or the mind and the higher self. We have to love our self from the deepest reaches of our inner soul. This is the only way we can truly love anyone else. We do not try to bind anyone to us so we can control them in order to have them there to meet our needs. We do not have to “trust” them to be “faithful” so that they will always be there for us. When we truly love and trust our self we do not need anyone to meet our needs. We are free to experience them as one higher self to another. We are free to let them be themselves so that we can enjoy connecting and vibrating with them as they reach out to attain their own sources of pleasure and self-fulfillment.

We started with a quote so let’s end with one, this time by Brian Adams, a pop singer: “I’ve only ever trusted my gut on everything. I don’t trust my head, I don’t trust my heart, I trust my gut.”[2]

Here are the five applications to bisexuality:

  1. We can learn to trust our gut, that inner voice that is showing us the path to true happiness. Before making important decisions,we can still the mind and the heart and let that voice show us the path to self-fulfillment.
  2. Our sexual orientation will give us the benefit of a whole and complete voice with both the divine masculine and feminine. We will be able to see both sides of an issue.
  3. When it comes to sex, we can learn to trust our gut to reveal the path between the desires of the body and the fears of the ego. It will show us what beliefs and practices are harmful and which ones will bring true and lasting pleasure.
  4. When it comes to relationships, it will help us see people as they really are. It will reveal those who are still in the throes of negative patterns that might be harmful and those who have reached a level of maturity where they can bring positive energies to our sexual experiences.
  5. When we learn to trust the voice of our gut, we will not seek sex and relationships in order to fulfill a need. All needs will be met naturally through the interaction of the body, the mind, the heart, and the voice of the gut. We can seek sexual relationships simply to enjoy the mingling of our body and soul with the pleasures and vibrations of other human beings.

[1] Steve Jobs. Life, Future, Destin. (Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_trust.html)

[2] Bryan Adams
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_trust.html

Bisexuality and Virtuous Living A Review

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Virtue, by definition, is behavior showing high moral standards, but who is to decide what high moral behavior is?  I choose to look at virtue as a collection of characteristics that indicate a higher level of physical and spiritual well being.

It is time to step back and take a look at where we have come from in understanding virtuous living. In the first set of five talks we looked at how we can become grounded.  The first step is to become aware of our higher self, the interactions of our higher self with our ego self, the interaction we have with life and the Source of Life, and our associations with the ones we love. This led to seeking Truth, or the virtue of Honesty. This path took us to the virtue of Discernment where we learned to deal with our wounded ego and the wounded egos of others. We then looked at Acceptance of ourselves including our orientation and the circumstances of our past and present lives. Our virtues of discernment and acceptance took us to Forgiveness where we come to the realization that there is no fault and no guilt. We were able to forgive ourselves for the wrongs we had done and forgive others for the things they have done to us. With this foundation in place we can begin to live a virtuous life.

This took us to the second set of five virtues that we can label as centering. Gratitude is where we were thankful for the people in our lives and the things they have been a part of that have led us to a higher level of consciousness. We can allow our higher self to enter into a spiritual existence where we can free ourselves from anxiety and begin to accept and appreciate the circumstances of our lives.  This provides us with an inner peace that we can refer to as Contentment. The third is Appreciation. We can be thankful for what others have done for us but Appreciation comes from within. We see the world and its beauty and we see ourselves as part of this internal and external beauty. The fourth is Fortitude.  We become strong inside and out and we begin to see ourselves as infinite powerful human beings. With this inner strength in place we can now be genuinely Assertive and stand up for ourselves and the things we believe.

This is the beginning of living a virtuous life.  We know who we are and what we believe.  In other words we are grounded and centered. We have inner strength to live according to those beliefs and we have the power to express those beliefs as needed.   This will take us to the third and last set of virtues in the next five blogs that we can refer to as the Love Virtues.

Here are my five thoughts on how these ten virtues applies to bisexuality:

  1. We must never forget that we are powerful beautiful human beings that are capable of generating powerful energy vibrations that can change the way we live and lead us to the person we want to be.
  2. We can appreciate our bisexuality as a gift that allows us to experience life though the divine masculine and divine feminine. We are blessed.
  3. We can strive to know, understand, and always be true to ourselves. We do not have to defend ourselves as bisexuals. We are what we are, no guilt, no shame. We have inner strength that we have not even begun to touch.
  4. We can develop the skills necessary to be assertive and still be compassionate with the ones we love.
  5. We can choose to help others by placing ourselves in positions to be noticed and heard. We do not have to seek out anyone to preach our beliefs; we just have to be ready with an answer when asked. If we are living a virtuous life we will be noticed and people will ask.

 

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Assertiveness

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)In the lyrics of Bob Dylan, “there’s no one to beat you / No one t’ defeat you / ’Cept the thoughts of yourself feeling bad”[1]. When we feel bad, it is usually because we are in the throes of low self-esteem, and we usually experience low self-esteem when we refuse to stand up for who we really are and what we believe. In the last blog, we looked at fortitude which is the strength we possess when we are in tune with our higher self. Assertiveness is the song we sing which naturally flows out of fortitude; it is the ability to express our thoughts and feelings from that inner strength which we all potentially possess through our inner self.

When we are assertive, we honor our desires, needs, and values. If we fail to express them, it is an act of suppression, and it will invariably sabotage our self-esteem. When we allow ourselves to be devalued, we are in danger of losing sight of who we really are. Self-assertiveness is directly related to self-respect. When we stand up for what we think and feel and dare to reveal who we really are, we show the world that we believe we are worthy of respect, and we express the fact that we are someone who matters.

Some of us have come to fear that openly revealing our true thoughts and feelings will lead to rejection. In fact, we may have become so intent on pleasing others that we have forgotten how to think for ourselves and may no longer be able to identify our own thoughts and feelings.  We can learn to take rejection in stride. We cannot please everyone all of the time. Rejection is a natural outcome of living and being who we are. We have to realize that others may not be in the same space we are in. Their natural reaction is to defend their space and protect their own self-esteem. Instead of assuming that rejection would be unbearable and must be avoided at all costs, we can learn to see it as a normal bump on the road of life and think about how we might creatively deal with rejection if and when it occurs.

This requires fortitude and assertiveness – not belligerence or inappropriate aggressive behavior. When we express ourselves, it is important to pay attention to our circumstances and the personality and space of the people with whom we are dealing, especially if they are people we love. Closeness in relationships naturally leaves us vulnerable, as we may have felt free to express our deepest fears and feelings at some point in the past. This in turn gives those we love the silver bullet with which they can mortily  wound us. At moments like these, we have the ability to be the mature being that can rise above the emotions of  our wounded ego-self.  We can recognize that the people we care for are merely human beings caught in their own pain body. This situation may be part of a thought and behavior pattern that they fall back on when they feel threatened. We, on the other hand, may be in a better space which can allow us to choose to function through our higher self.  We simply acknowledge that we value the relationship and wish to resolve the issue. We can listen from the safety of our inner self and help guide them back to positive feelings that will help grow the relationship.  We can also be compassionate with ourselves; we also are just human and may be feeling the pinch of our own pain body.  We can give ourselves permission to simply walk away and wait for a better time to resolve the issue. Carelessness and needless aggression during these moments can sabotage these precious relationships, whereas thoughtfulness coupled with assertiveness can help them as well as us grow as individuals.

Here are the five applications to bisexuality:

  1. As bisexuals operating within our higher self, we can rejoice in our bisexuality and our loving compassionate disposition. We celebrate who we are and seek to find peace and power within. We can choose to be assertive with our wounded ego-self and demand that it behave according to a higher order.
  2. We accept and acknowledge who we are according to our orientation with all our flaws and weaknesses. We express our love for our self unconditionally by looking in the mirror each day and saying, “I love you, I really love you, just the way you are”.
  3. As bisexuals we have probably faced rejection and fear of rejection from an early age. We can accept that our sexuality will likely be misunderstood and frowned upon by the majority of people. It may not be direct rejection, but we have become very skillful at interpreting and recognizing rejection through visual signs, especially negative body language. We can accept this as part of the feelings and fears of others we may encounter. We simply acknowledge that this is just the way it is and move on.
  4. If the feelings of rejection are coming from significant others, it may be impossible to move on without feeling guilt and shame. We recognize these feeling, thank our ego-self, and then choose to put these feelings aside and deal with the situation at hand. We acknowledge the feelings from others and grant them the right to have these feelings. We then help them see the situation from our point of view.
  5. If the significant other still refuses to accept us the way we are, we express our regret but express the desire to still have a loving relationship. We put the confrontation on the back burner and wait for a good opportunity to bring it up again and resolve it. We can choose to be patient; it may take years before they can deal with the situation.

[1]  Bob Dylan. The Lyrics: 1961-2012, (www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/assertiveness)

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Fortitude

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Fortitude is mentioned by Plato in “The Republic” as one of the four cardinal virtues.  St. Thomas Aquinas ranked fortitude as the third of the cardinal virtues after prudence and justice.  In the Bible, it is also included as one of the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, (Isaiah 11:2-3). The virtue of fortitude can be practiced by anyone; it is not only a Christian value but the natural outgrowth of life’s experiences.

The virtue of fortitude is commonly called courage, but it is different from what we think of as courage today. Fortitude always serves a higher purpose, is beyond reason, and is therefore, an expression of the will of the human spirit. Fortitude is the virtue that allows us to overcome fear and to remain steady in the face of all obstacles – physical, mental, and spiritual. If we look at fortitude from the perspective of good versus evil or light versus darkness, we see fortitude as our ability and strength to reach for the good for ourselves and others, instead of just allowing the darkness of the world to overcome us and prevent us from reaching for our higher sense of being.

Fortitude is strength of purpose in the face of all the obstacles that life tries to throw at us. If we have the virtue of fortitude, we will persist in reaching for our better self and to keep on going through pain and trials. We push on, believing in ourselves and in our divine purpose which is just to be, and to radiate the joyful vibrations of our inner self.  We never lose the vision of who we are and we rejoice in the opportunities to push through the chaos and grow as human beings in body, soul and spirit. Once we have arrived at the goal of divine Self-Actualization, we help others on their path, not out of feelings of guilt or responsibility for others, but as an opportunity to create the positive energies in others so we can vibrate and resonate together for our own sense of joy and purpose. In a way, we defeat darkness collectively by bringing light into the world, not as a collective, but as individuals vibrating in frequency with other individuals.

Here are the five applications to bisexuality:

  1. Even though our bodies and brains are bisexual by nature, it is not who we are. It is simply a genetic predisposition to sexual preference. It belongs to our bodies and minds but not to our spirits. Who we really are is our higher self, that part of us that is beyond the functions of the body and the mind. We must never lose sight of the fact that our sexual orientation is just that – a sexual orientation.
  2. Because of the life experiences that come with our orientation, we tend to be empaths, people with the ability to feel and comprehend the mental or emotional state and needs of others. This gives us the ability to feel and see things that others do not. This makes it possible for us to be artists, poets, and effective professional caregivers, but it also makes us more sensitive, and therefore, more vulnerable to the words and actions of others. Our first responsibility as empaths is not to serve others, but to understand, care for, and love ourselves. We have to be self-centered, not narcissistic, but aware of our own feelings and needs. We cannot save anyone. If we are in a relationship that is sucking the life out of us, we have to get out. If we are surrounded by people who want to take advantage of us, we are in dangerous company. We have to trust our inner Self to lead us to people who will be genuine friends and lovers regardless of their orientation.
  3. As bisexuals, our empathic natures are going to be wrapped up in our emotions, and of course, because of our life’s experiences, our emotions are going to be wrapped up in our sexuality. Sometimes we have to literally take pains to come to grips with our sexuality. We have to bring our sexual thoughts and behaviors in line with our higher self. This does not mean we have be to monks or nuns and suppress our sexual desires, but we should try to bring our sexual vibrations in line with our soul vibrations. If we are experiencing negative energy during our sexual practices, it does not mean that we have to stop having this kind of sex. It just means that we have to adjust our own attitudes or to recognize how our sexual partners are influencing our own vibrations.
  4. If we are using our sexuality to feed the dark, negative, or wounded ego side of our self, we must take stock, face the situation honestly, and do whatever it takes to turn off the negative feeling and open up to the positive. There is nothing wrong with our sexual practices as such, but it depends on how we think about them and which side of our psyche we are feeding. We have to learn to trust the feelings coming from our gut. If these interactions bring us down and make us feel sick inside, we have to then change our thought and  behavior patterns.
  5. We have to take an inventory of our life. Is what we are doing bringing the vibrations of peace and joy? If not, we have to make changes. This mean recognizing  the effects of what we are doing and the people with whom we are associating. We can mark each person or item with a positive or a negative, then make plans to embellish the positive and remove the negative. This includes everything including our relationships, jobs, activities and sexual practices. Above all, we remember that we are powerful beings with the ability to make whatever changes are necessary. All it takes is fortitude.

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Appreciation

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final) “The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson[1]. Contentment and Gratitude lead to the virtue of Appreciation. Appreciation is different from gratitude. Gratitude is being thankful for some thought or action from someone else, but appreciation is from within. It is simply knowing, understanding and enjoying the beauty of life in all its forms.

Have you ever had a tune going around and around in your head that you just can’t get rid of? I love to sing. I am in a choir and we practice the harmony of songs over and over again until we perfect them. Sometimes I wake up in the night and there it is, one of the songs we have been practicing. It’s the same as the mental songs we play. Do you keep hearing the songs of criticism and self-doubt or do you wake up with a smile on your face because the world is beautiful, and you appreciate your wonderful body, mind, and soul?

The first step in developing the virtue of appreciation is to understand our own wonderful bodies and minds. Do you love your body, even with all its imperfections? You should, we all should, because it is the perfection of the amazing evolution of a superior being that has adapted to extreme hostile conditions and continues to evolve according to changes in our environment. We should be able to look in the mirror every day and appreciate its ability to sense and respond to the world around us. Our minds, especially the working of the frontal cortex, is the culmination of millions of years of evolution, or if you prefer, the miracle of creation from a loving god who has created us in his likeness. People tend to look at the mind as the ego and feel it is somehow responsible for all our troubles, but where would we be without it, without the ability to evaluate, judge, and make decisions? It works on the completely selfish motivation of making decisions to protect and enhance the self. The well-known words of Christ tell us to “Love our neighbor as ourselves”.  We cannot love anyone unless we first make a conscious decision to know, understand and love our mind, ego, or self.

That takes us back to the inner or Higher Self. I know this is repetitive but it is never redundant. There is always some new way to look at, understand, and appreciate the inner Self. We cannot see the beauty in others unless we first see the beauty in ourselves. Both love and seeing beauty are a function of the inner Self. The inner Self feels things. It feels all the patterns of energy around us. Our eyes sense the energy, our minds interpret and evaluate it, but our spirits feel it. It distinguishes between the negative energies brought on by our mind and the minds of others, reinterprets fear as chance or opportunity, and transforms anger to love. It sees the connectedness of everything and can trace the patterns into an ever evolving circle of life. We feel the patterns of the universe itself which we can interpret as God, or the Tao, or just the Universe. It feels our part in all things and encourages us to feel things beyond the power of the body and mind. When we get in touch with the Higher Self we get in touch with all that is and can be, and we sense the best path to living a more conscious life. The Higher Self wants to flood our minds and bodies with the joys of appreciation for this awesome opportunity to just live.

Here are the five applications to bisexuality:

  1. We need to love our bodies; that includes our genetic bisexual orientation. We can enjoy all the pleasures that our senses can provide. We can be true to ourselves and be selfish and enjoy our sexuality. We can start doing things that make us feel good inside and out.
  2. We need to love our minds, recognize that it has done an amazing job to survive with a very difficult predisposition. It has made judgement and decisions to get through all of life’s challenges to the point where we can accept our orientation.
  3. If you have not yet reached that point and no longer trust the powers of your mind, then it is now time to reach to the inner self and allow positive feelings to surface. We can close down the mind for a while and seek the positive energy of the inner Self. We can enter that space of peace through meditation of by taking a forest or ocean side bath where the richness of nature will enter our souls. While in this state we can allow the inner Self to shed its light on our consciousness and lead us to self-love where we can appreciate all life’s experiences as a path to greater understanding. We can let this bath of self-love touch our minds until all the fears and anger have melted under its power to the point where we begin to appreciate these experiences as part of the path to self-actualization.
  4. We can see and appreciate the beauty in others. If we have experienced traumas we can try to see the beauty and struggle of another soul instead of the ugliness of fear and anger emanating from someone else’s tortured mind.
  5. We then can consciously seek a soul-mate that can appreciate our inner as well and outer beauty so that we can let go of casual encounters and appreciate all the joys of a fully conscious intimate relationship.  We each give as well as receive the beauty and power of the intimate vibrations of the body and soul.

[1] Virtues for Life. http://www.virtuesforlife.com/30-gratitude-quotes-health-happiness-healing/

Bisexuality, The Virtue of Contentment, and the Second Nobel Truth

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)The first five virtues have dealt with healing and grounding. They have included Truthfulness, Awareness, Discernment, Forgiveness and Gratitude. We are now ready to development a life of conscious living. The first of these virtues is Contentment. Gratitude automatically leads to Contentment.  Gratitude is recognizing that life itself and every event in life is a gift. Contentment is living a life where our higher self is always present and giving us a feeling of peace and abundance.

The Buddha believed that the source of all human misery was having desires – no desires, no anxieties.[1] He identified three types of desires? According to the Buddha, Kama tanha is wanting sense pleasures through the body and always seeking things to excite or please our senses. Taste pecan chocolate cheesecake and see what happens: a desire arises for more. That is kama tanha. Like all philosophical and/or religious statements, I do not accept them carte blanche. What could possibly be wrong with sense pleasures and what is wrong with wanting to fill our lives with sense pleasures? What could be wrong with the wonderful taste of chocolate pecan? Granted discernment is needed, we must evaluate what pleasures  allow our soul to grow and what pleasures stunt our growth. A daily walk along the ocean fills my soul; daily viewing pornography, although it is a pleasure, affects the health of my soul; too much chocolate pecan, affects my health and can damage my teeth. If we are grounded, and in tune with our higher self, we know what desires and pleasures are good for the body, mind and soul, and which pleasures should be avoided or controlled.

The second desire is bhava tanha where we can be caught in a realm of ambition and attainment – the desire to become. We get caught in that movement of striving to become happy, seeking to become wealthy; or we might attempt to make our life feel important by endeavouring to make the world right. This desire is wanting to become something other than what we are right now. There can be no contentment without a sense of being present with the higher self in everything we do. Doing is not becoming, we already are. We do not have to strive to be happy but we have to understand what happiness is and know how to seek it and enjoy it without striving. When I am with my beloved there is no striving for happiness. Being present with each other is happiness and brings happiness to everything we do together. The same thing applies to being present with nature, with  life,  and with the giver of life, with the one who is, with the universe itself. Seeking wealth for the sake of wealth or power is a fool’s game. Endeavoring to make the world right should be the desire of all conscious human beings, but not to feel important but just because it is the right thing to do.

The desire to get rid of things is vibhava tanha. This may be a desire to get rid of our suffering anger, jealousy, fear and anxiety. We can see from this train of thought that “becoming” and “getting rid of”are very much associated. Vibhava tanha also applies in spiritual life, which can be very self-righteous. We may want to get rid of our human nature and become only spiritual. This involves hating our bodies and our minds and all the pleasures they can bring so that we can claim we are spiritual beings. We may desire to have spiritual gifts to show people that we are special or gifted. On the other hand there is nothing wrong with wanting to be rid of suffering, anger and anxiety. In fact, we should even strive for it as they interfere with our ability to be present. And there is nothing wrong with having gifts and sharing them to alleviate the suffering of others. But I think there is something wrong with putting our name behind it and charging for our services.

By understanding these three kinds of desires, we can let them go. The Second Noble Truth is not about identifying with desires in any way; it’s about recognizing desire. It is not about hating oneself for having these thoughts and desires but recognizing when they are conditioned by the ego or the mind. Desire then becomes behavior patterns that we slip into because of ignorance and then apply these patterns to everything in our lives. But we are not just hopeless victims of desire nor do we have to let go of all desires. We simply have to understand where they are coming from, consciously analyze them through our higher self, and either let them go or indulge and enjoy.

Here are the five applications to Bisexuality:

  1. Sex is great. It absolutely overwhelms the senses of touch and feeling. It links two people together through the joy of their bodies. But it should be based on pleasing as well as being pleased and it should always come from the soul, not desperation of anxiety or self-hate.
  2. Bisexuality is great, it allows for two kinds of pleasure and two different responses to life. However, it should also come from the soul. Promiscuity for the sake of promiscuity can harm the soul and lead to guilt and shame.
  3. When we are in harmony with our self and our partner there is never shame. There is a wonderful exchange of parts of our souls that we refer to as bonding. We should feel closer and share deeper understanding of each other.
  4. As bisexuals we have no obligation to set the world right or to gain our identity from being a bisexual. We do not have to strive to become anything or anyone but who we already are. We must enjoy being us.
  5. If we feel suffering or anger or shame because of our bisexuality –  we have to get rid of it. It is pure poison. We can never thrive with the virtue of contentment unless we accept ourselves just the way we are and  learn to control and channel our desires to become content with ourselves, the people around us and with our higher selves.

[1] http://www.buddhanet.net/4noble12.htm

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Gratitude

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)”Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others,” Marcus Tullius Cicero[1]. Wise words from a wise old Roman. It makes more sense when you apply the words of John F. Kennedy, “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”[2] You see gratitude is more than saying ‘thank you’ it is being truly thankful.  That means realizing the gift that has been given is more than just a gift; the acts of giving and receiving are acts of the heart.

Sometimes it seems impossible to feel thankful for what we have been given. At times, life really sucks, and we may feel alone, abandoned, and despised.  That is when we have to dig deep into our souls to find our higher self which will always feel gratitude even if it is just for life itself.  That is when we come to know that life means there is a giver of life and that giving life is the most precious gift that we can receive, because the gift of life is the gift of love. If you have ever been a parent you know exactly what I mean. At that moment when the baby is born and placed in your arms we cannot help but feel an overpowering sensation of deepest affection and love.

As suggested by J.F.K. there is a part of our self that lives continuously in this feeling of gratitude, and that is our higher self. When we view life through our higher self, there is always a reason to be thankful even if it is just for the next breath. When we do this we change the circuitry of the brain .

Image result for pleasure center of the brain
The thought releases dopamine through the nucleus accumbens which is the pleasure center of the brain, affecting the amygdala, thus changing the emotion from negative to positive, and the hippocampus which affects our memories. . Then as we thank this universe for each breath, the other things come to mind, love that we have experienced, someone who touched us in a special way, the beauty of nature that is all around us. By doing this repeatedly, we create a new neural circuit where the memory makes us smile instead of weep.

 

The key to living a virtuous life is to be thankful for everything. We should practice gratitude every day and remind ourselves that there is always something good if we look for it. We should see difficulties as opportunities to learn. When people abandon us we can be thankful for the moments we have shared and be compassionate with them and wish them well in their own journey. If this person shows us contempt or spite, we can be thankful that we will not have to live with someone who no longer cares for us. We should be thankful for every kindness passed our way. We should not be envious of those who appear to have more but be thankful for the simplicity of what we do have, free of the tyranny of possessions.

So how does this apply to bisexuality? Here are my five suggestions on gratitude:

1 First be thankful for your life. It is a gift.

  1. Be thankful for your bisexuality. It too is a gift, one that opens up intimate relationships with both men and women.
  2. Be thankful for all the relationships you have had. Remember that people are just human and may not be able to understand your sexual nature or your wants and needs. Be thankful for the love and passion they were able to share; it may be all they were able to give at the time.
  3. When you move on to other relationships, be thankful for the lessons you learned in the last one or series of ones. Never give up on finding the soul mate and kindred spirit.
  4. Be thankful that you can give something back even if it is something small. Volunteer for something or plant a garden of flowers. Try to make the world a little bit better while you have the chance to live in it.

[1] Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/marcustull122152.html

[2] Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/johnfkenn105511.html

The Virtue of Forgiveness and the Guilt, Blame, and Shame Game.

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“Man learns through experience, and the spiritual path is full of different kinds of experiences. He will encounter many difficulties and obstacles, and they are the very experiences he needs to encourage and complete the cleansing process,” Sai Baba[1].

The virtue of forgiveness is the act and art of cleansing the mind and the soul. After negative experiences, the mind leaves a trail  of neural pathways in the brain that form the negative feelings and emotions of fear, grief, guilt, blame, and shame. The mind is always of the alert through this subconscious anxiety, watching for triggers that can lead it back to these feelings so they can be resolved. The key is to resolve them by linking them back to the positive emotions of acceptance and forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of love, mainly for the self but also for others.

Forgiveness is the beginning of change. “Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can’t ride you unless your back is bent,” Martin Luther King, Jr.[2] The goal of forgiveness is freedom from anxiety, freedom to live joyfully in the present, freedom to accept that we are a beautiful bisexual soul in peace with ourselves and the other important people in our lives.  So how do we actually and completely forgive? How do we rid our minds of these thoughts and feelings that may have haunted us for decades? We do not ignore and suppress the mind; we use its main function, judgement or free will, but we do it with our heart or spirit in support of the mind.

The first step in developing the virtue of forgiveness is to forgive the self. In reality there is no past or future; there is only the present.  The past only exists in our mind, so we have to use the mind to heal the mind. We simply recognize the feeling, seek the root of the feeling, and then employ judgement with compassion and understanding for our self. We accept what happened, recognize that we did our best under the circumstances, look at the positive things we have learned from the experience, and forgive ourselves. Here is where the heart comes in. Forgiveness is not a rational process but an act of love. We allow our heart or spirit to embrace the experience and then give our self a warm hug until the feeling becomes warm and peaceful. We have now established a new link to that pathway that we can choose to follow whenever a trigger has activated it. We can use our heart-based judgement in a positive sense to judge the memory and the trigger for what it is and choose to follow the positive pathway back to love of self. By repeating this process over and over again we eventually establish a strong neural pathway to self-love.

The next step is to forgive others and to allow others to forgive us. Once we have forgiven ourselves for the situation, we are free, but this important relationship is still fractured. We take the initiative and approach the other person for cleansing of the relationship. This can be difficult because of the negative bond that has been established and strengthened by powerful negative feelings from both parties. Within this negative bond there is a need for blame. Blame is an extremely powerful negative feeling that can turn from sadness to anger. In reality there is no blame. There was only a situation in which each individual did what they had to do because they felt that was the only alternative given the situation.

We can go to the person and describe our experience of self-forgiveness, thereby opening the doorway to letting them approach the situation positively. We do not accept any blame; we do not apologize, and we do not defend ourselves. We are not responsible for their feelings, and we are really no longer responsible for the events that happened.  That is all in the past.  We merely acknowledge that these things have happened and that we wish to forget the past and live in the present.  If they wish to play the name, blame and shame game, we simply take the role of an active listener.  We acknowledge and affirm their feelings but we do not share in owning them. When they have expressed their thoughts and hurts, we can reassure them of our love for them, and our desire to have a good relationship. If they choose to stay in anger and fear of the past, we can choose to walk away and let them resolve their own issues. We are now both free of the negative bond and can live in the present free of the chains of the past. We also free them from the bond and our complicity in it.

So what does this have to do with bisexuality? Here are my five points on the virtue of forgiveness:

  1. As bisexuals, we are major players in the name, blame, and shame game. I do not remember the number of times I said it is all my fault and was too ashamed to look myself in the mirror. These feeling are rooted deeply in our childhood and hold strong feelings of disappointing our parents because of our desires and behaviors. It is time to go back in the child within and give him or her a great big hug and say how proud we are of their courage to be who they were and do what they did.
  2. As bisexuals we have often started off in a heterosexual relationship and been unable to control our same-sex impulses and desires. This is natural.  This is who we are. There is no need to have shame over these desires. We recognize the shame for what it is and forgive ourselves.
  3. These desires have often led to having sexual experiences outside the relationship. This may cause us to feel extreme guilt and shame. We have to be compassionate with ourselves and recognize the powerful sources of these desires and feelings. We have to also realize that we will continue to have these desires for the rest of our lives. The key is truth and honesty. We first forgive ourselves for having these desires. They are what they are. There is no need for guilt. We have to forgive ourselves.
  4. At some point we will have to disclose our desires and actions to our heterosexual partners. We do not apologize for them or ask for forgiveness. We simply acknowledge them and the subsequent confusion and grief that may come from the partner. We become active listeners letting them ask their questions and confirming their feelings. We then focus on the relationship and see if both parties still want to maintain it and what changes that may involve. If we or the partner choose to leave the relationship, we do so expressing our love for them, wishing them the best and offering to support them in any way we can.
  5. We move on without guilt or shame. We may seek new relationships but we are always honest with potential new partners about our bisexuality showing no remorse or guilt. It is who we are and we ask the new partner to accept us just the way we are.

We remember that we are spiritual human beings, and we act and make decisions from the heart. Our sexuality is the desire of the heart to connect with people who can accept and love us just the way we are without shame, blame or guilt.

 

[1] https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth101472.html?src=t_forgiveness

 

[2] https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth121065.html

Bisexuality – and the Virtue of Acceptance

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“We all learn lessons in life. Some stick, some don’t. I have always learned more from rejection and failure than from acceptance and success” [1]. As this quote from Henry Rollins suggests, the key to living a virtuous and happy life is to accept ourselves, unconditionally, with the ugliness of all the old scars and festering mental boils. And the best way to accept ourselves is to acknowledge and celebrate those scars and boils as trophies derived from conquering the monumental challenges we have had to face as bisexuals.

The virtue of acceptance begins with recognizing the self, or the mind or ego, as part of our divine soul that links the spiritual with the realities of this life. The role of the ego is to make sense of the past, to neutralize all the threats and negative feelings, so that we can accept the present and look forward to the future with pride and confidence. If you are feeling depressed or hopeless, or perhaps just have an empty feeling, or a belief that you are just floating through life with no meaning or purpose, do not despair; you are not alone. That is just our spirit working together with our minds or egos to urge us on to being more than just a victim of our circumstances.

Part of our growth is evaluating what we did yesterday. Sometimes, for whatever reason, we have not been able to understand and resolve some events and feelings. They may be traumatic like abuse, or rejection from a loved one, or they may just be a collection of events that build up to a feeling that the situation is hopeless. The mind or ego, by its very nature, has to take a second look at those times when we landed flat on our back with powerful negative feelings, feelings that it has never been able to resolve. It will keep visiting those events until it feels it is safe to move on. Sometimes those feelings or events are beyond the power of the mind to resolve. That gives us a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. These feeling challenge our belief in ourselves, making us feel like failures. We begin to blame ourselves for these failures which often leads to feelings of despair and self-loathing.  However we are not yet out of resources.  We can now tune into the Higher Self and the infinite power and positive energies of our spirits.

The key is to accept that our souls are made up of mind from the lower self and spirit from the higher self, and that all the struggles are in the mind. We then recognize and accept our spirit or Higher Self as a source of infinite power and wisdom. We then let the Higher Self flood our ego with self-love. We woo and seduce our ego. We tell it that we appreciate all it has tried to do. We encourage it to believe that it has done the best it could under the circumstances; in fact, it has done a great job given the scope of the situation. But we do not just stop at self-acceptance, we go beyond that to a celebration of self-appreciation and self-love.  This rewires the negative from the pain body of the ego into positive powers of love from the spirit and changes the circuitry of the brain. It allows the mind to use the new circuits to get off the old negative spinning wheel and create a new set of positive circuits. It can now prune those old axons and dendrites and forge new axons to new positive feelings and beliefs. In the process of acceptance we open up a new world where old thoughts and feeling begin to make sense thereby increasing our understanding and appreciation of life. We are now ready to move on to the next stage of our lives with increased understanding and power.

Now how does this apply to bisexuality? Here are my five steps to living a victorious bisexual life through the virtue of acceptance:

  1. We recognize and accept our bisexual orientation without judgement. We are what we are. Through a combination of genetic predispositions and natal and early life experiences, we now have a body and brain that desires sexual connection with both males and females.  Without engaging in judgement and old thinking patterns we simply accept the fact that our body has these longings and desires. We thank our body for all the pleasures it provides including our ability to enjoy sensuous experiences more intensely from both sides of life.
  2. We recognize and accept the struggles of our egos to balance our bisexual desires with the longing for acceptance and approval from others. We realize the depths of these conflicts but we also recognize the need to be true to ourselves and the desires of our bodies and souls. We accept that the feelings of rejection and confusion are natural under the circumstances. We then make a conscious ego-based decision to move on.
  3. We also recognize and accept that we are more than just a combination of body and mind. We reach out to the higher self and invite it into our minds and bodies. We realize that the spirit accepts our bisexuality.  It has no desire to judge, condemn or change us. It just wants to use this part of us to reach a deeper understanding life and to forge new or deeper connections with others. We then silently, and without thought, entrust the spirit to do its work. It will flood our souls with love and self-acceptance. We stay there grounded in this new reality until the spirit begins the process of forging a new beginning through the rewiring and changing of the mind. We will experience this as a feeling of contentment and divine acceptance and peace.
  4.  We make plans to daily check if we are still experiencing contentment and peace and then invite the spirit to infuse the soul with the power of self-love. However, we recognize and accept that the bisexual struggle is not yet over and will never be completely resolved in the mind. Those old components of the circuits made up of wounds, feelings, and memories will always be a part of us. The triggers from our environment will always have the power to reconnect all these old circuits of pain. When flashbacks occur we consciously understand and accept that the ego is perceiving a threat from something that is happening in the present. We thank the ego for its diligence and willingness in bringing it to our conscious mind which is under the influence of the spirit. We then resolve the issue from a spiritual perspective of wisdom and power and consciously invite the spirit to bathe the situation with self-love and love for others and move us on.
  5. We recognize and accept that life is a journey towards spiritual Self Actualization and that our bisexuality is not a hindrance but an advantage in understanding the complexities of life. We then bring this gift to others.

[1] Rollins, Henry: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/henryrolli616896.html