Category: Human Sexuality

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Desire

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Aristotle understood that action depends on thought plus desire and that reason and thought by themselves can achieve nothing (Nichomachachean Ethics, 1139a). He goes on to describe desire as the engine for directing “the right thought” which is the basis of higher thinking. In her book,  Li Zhi, and the Virtue of Desire, Lee describes Li Zhi’s insights about the role of feelings and how feeling involve the virtue of desire.[1] Crucial to Zhi’s ideal of the good life is the ability to express one’s feelings, as the articulation of feelings leads to clarity, and clarity leads to new desires. In other words, the virtue of desire is at the foundation of all our actions and even our private thoughts and feelings. Desire is a natural and necessary drive that helps us formulate thoughts and feelings which eventually will lead  to a progression of thought and action. But is desire by itself a virtue? Not necessarily. To become a virtue, desire has to be directed by the higher self, thus leading to higher desires that will set us on the path to self-actualization.

Desire is often omitted from religious inventories of virtues. There is constant reference to controlling our thought life and our desires. Christianity and Islam consistently talk about controlling the desires of the flesh and According to Buddhist belief, the goal of life is to live without any desires at all, because desires result in stress and anxieties that lead us away from a life of peace and contentment. However, this begs the question – can we truly be content without desire? Would we not be conflicting with our basic human nature which is to perceive something greater, some pleasure, some dream, some goal, even the goal of living a life of contentment free of anxiety and stress? What would we be without desires?

Desires are part of our basic brain structures. We see what is not and we ask why? We think of something that might give us pleasure and ask why not? Then the brain sets up a neural pathway that involves a goal that is intrinsically linked to the acquisition of this possible pleasure. A dopamine rush is then set out to motivate the body and the mind to obtain the pleasure. Once the goal is achieved we experience a serotonin rush that engages the pleasure center of the brain and sets up a neural pathway to enjoy this pleasure again in the future.

Human beings are creators, the motivation is desire, and the reward is pleasure. Ester Hicks through the voice of her spirit guide, Abraham, in the book Ask and It Is Given, states that desire is “the delicious awareness of new possibilities. Desire is a fresh, free feeling of anticipating wonderful expansion.” She goes on to say that we will “revel in the conscious awareness that you (we) have deliberately molded your (our) desires into being”[2] and “when you (we) go with the flow of your (our) own desires, you (we) will feel truly alive and you (we) will truly live)[3].

In conclusion, it appears that desire is indeed a virtue and life itself is based on wholesome desires of the body, the mind, and the soul. Our bodies and our drives lead to desires for feeling the pleasures of our bodies which includes sexual experiences. In fact, they lead to body, mind and soul connections with other human beings. They are simply a statement by our bodies that we wish to experience pleasure in its deepest forms. The mind wishes to experience life so that it can expand its knowledge of the world around it. It seeks to understand life in all its forms. The soul longs to dream and make its dreams come true. To reach self-actualization, we can follow our desires to experience the pleasures of our bodies; we can explore life in all its forms, and we can dream and let our dreams lead to desires that motivate us into making the dreams come true.

 

Here are my five applications to bisexuality:

  1. The desires of the body are part of human reality. There is no sin in desire. It is there to lead us to connection with others through the powerful sexual sensations of the body.
  2. The mind will try to evaluate if the desire is good for us. It will attempt to protect us from doing things that may be harmful, such as engaging in unsafe sex. However, the mind is also vulnerable to opinions, because it feels it needs to live in harmony with others. Therefore, it will try to abide by the mores of the society in which it lives. We may wish to override these mores from time to time and engage in activities that will bring pleasure to our being. We need to be conscious of what we are doing and why we are doing it. If we feel the pleasure is a healthy expression of who we want to be, we should set aside the restrictions of the ego and fulfill our desires without guilt and shame.
  3. The higher self is the best judge of what we should and should not do. It directs by feelings. If it feels good at a spiritual level it is automatically good. If it feels bad it is probably bad. We should get in touch with our higher self and learn to listen to the inner voice. This is not the voice of the ego; it is a voice without words. We shut down the mind and reach for the feelings from within.
  4. Our sexual desires usually lead to deeper desires. We seek connection. This is body to body through sex, mind to mind through shared knowledge and desire for learning, and a desire to spiritually vibrate and resonate with the spiritual vibrations of another. These vibrations are enhanced through body, mind, and soul connection. It can just be a full warm hug or it can be whatever we both want it to be.
  5. All paths should lead to self-actualization. It is the desire of the soul to experiment and experience, and move on from experience to higher knowledge and increased love energy. Pay attention to your desires and enjoy.

 

[1] Lee, Pauline C. ; Li Zhi, and the Virtue of Desire. Suny Series in Chinese Culture and Philosophy, Amazon. 2013.

[2] Hicks, Ester and Jerry. Ask and It Is Given. Hay House. 2004. (page 120).

[3] Hicks (page 123)

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Kindness

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)The dictionary defines kindness as the virtue of showing love and the qualities of having a sympathetic, affectionate, warmhearted, and considerate nature. Kindness is the second of the love virtues. Like all the virtues, it is a quality of one’s being, not just a matter of behavior.

Kindness comes from the heart. It flows from and is rooted in love. Like trust, kindness begins with the self; we can learn to be kind to ourselves. If we truly love ourselves, we will be sympathetic, patient, and forgiving, and stop blaming ourselves for our shortcomings and errors. We will be warmhearted, always believing and expecting the best for ourselves, planning daily to do something to bring pleasure to the body, mind, and soul. We will be considerate of ourselves realizing that trial and error is just living, and we will welcome the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and move on to greater awareness and consciousness.

The word kindness is related to the word kin, which originally meant the sharing of positive feelings with relatives. We learn kindness from our parents, grandparents, and other significant people during our developing years. When we receive kindness we experience a flow of love to and from another, thereby establishing a positive vibration with the other. This vibration is then stored in the heart of the soul and can be shared with others as a source of pleasure.

Kindness for the self leads to kindness to others. As the Delai Lama expressed, “When we feel love and kindness toward others, it not only makes others feel loved and cared for, but it helps us also to develop inner happiness and peace.[1]” This establishes a pattern whereby we receive pleasure through acts of kindness. We set up a chain reaction of love vibrations. Whenever we experience this vibration, we restore our own positive love energies. This creates a kind of attraction for others to come and experience the joy of living with us. As Mark Twain, a philosopher as well as a gifted writer, noted: “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.[2]”

Kindness opens the door to the other virtues. When we are in a positive state the beauty of the world seems closer and more intense. We feel a part of the flow of universal love. This love leads to consciousness and wisdom. Truly, “What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?[3]” Kindness, love and spiritual wisdom lead to the only true religion, the religion of spiritual experience. I agree with the Delai Lama:  “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.[4]”

Here are my five applications to bisexuality:

  1. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Enjoy your bisexuality – it is a gift.
  2. Listen to your inner voice. It will lead you to sexual and other acts whereby you will experience love in all its forms. Your inner voice is the source of all the kindness you have within, because it is based on love for the self.
  3. Realize that sex is basically an act of love whereby we experience vibrations with others. It is a powerful drive that can be positive or negative. If you feel the positive vibrations – enjoy. If the feelings are negative – stop.
  4. Always show kindness to others including present and past lovers. Realize that they are just trying to live their lives as positively as they can. If they have negative vibrations related to sexuality, they should not be considered as sex partners but as people on the road of life. Be kind.
  5. Realize that sharing positive vibrations with others is the essence of life and love.

[1] The 14th Dalai Lama; (http://www.virtuesforlife.com/20-kindness-quotes-to-inspire-greatness).

[2] ~Mark Twain; (http://www.virtuesforlife.com/20-kindness-quotes-to-inspire-greatness).

[3] Jean-Jacques Rousseau; (http://www.virtuesforlife.com/20-kindness-quotes-to-inspire-greatness).

[4] Dalai Lama XIV; (http://www.virtuesforlife.com/20-kindness-quotes-to-inspire-greatness).

 

 

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Awareness.

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Awareness is the state or condition of being aware; having knowledge and consciousness.  But awareness can only become a virtue when you don’t just understand it, but you live it. In my opinion, there are three levels of awareness: mindfulness, the acceptance and immersion in the higher self, and the awareness of the day to day pleasures of living. As bisexuals the concept of awareness can take on a whole new meaning.

The first level of awareness is mindfulness.  In my view, it is simply closing down the mind and opening up our souls to all the sensations around us.  It is focusing on the beauties of this world. It can be a walk along the ocean shore with the pungent scent of the salty air or a walk through an old growth forest with the beauty of light filtering down through the maples. It can be the sound of my bird friends singing their hearts out about the joy of living. Mindfulness is immersing my soul in the sweet energies of nature, shutting down the noise of this world, and ignoring the negative energy of my negative thoughts.

The second stage is to become aware of the inner or the higher self.  I am the presence in all the things of beauty. My soul is interacting with all the sweet sensations that surround me. Once in this state of self-awareness, I can feel the surge of positive energy flow through my being. I understand just how beautiful and powerful I am.  I truly understand that there are no limitations on how much I can experience.  I interact with nature and other human beings with an incredible exchange of energy and being.

The third stage is to bring this energy and presence into my everyday life where I can meet each new situation free of anxiety and fear.  I can just be and let things happen around me knowing that all things can lead to joy and personal growth. There are no problems, only opportunities.  There is always choice and I can choose to indulge or walk away.

Now how does this apply to bisexuality?  We are truly blessed on several levels. Here are my five points on awareness and bisexuality:

  1. First, because of the nature of our struggles, we have been compelled to search for our true sexual nature. This gives us the opportunity to become more aware as we search for the universal truths that surround us. This search will either lead to ruin or to a newer level of self-actualization.
  2. In this search, we will come to the understanding that our bisexual gender issues are not part of that reality; they are merely a role that we have slipped into because of the pressures of our families and culture. Once we come to this realization, we can then become aware that our whole life is full of roles that we play. Once we are aware of that we can choose to play the role or to develop our own patterns of living.
  3. The third point is that we really do have a different nature than everyone else. You can refer to it as two spirits in the sense that we have a masculine and a feminine soul, not just sexually, but all the gender qualities that go with it. But in reality, it is only one spirit that combines the whole spectrum of masculine and feminine virtues.
  4. The fourth is our sexual response to life. As bisexuals we can enjoy tremendous sexual energy that we can use to form intimate connection with men and women. We can indulge our feminine personas when we are with a man and our masculine when we are with a woman. We can go beyond the sexual role play and enter into true intimacy where we share not only our bodies but our minds and souls. We are free to choose to do this with one special individual or we can seek connection with whomever we choose.
  5. As bisexuals we have an opportunity to share this tremendous life energy with those around us. We can open our souls to others so that the divine energy, the full energy or a complete human being, can flow to those around us and bless them. This energy is always reciprocal – the more you give the more you get in return.

 

The Kinsay Scale and Bisexuality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)I finally found an easy to do on-line test based on the Kinsey Scale.  I have been interested in doing one for a long time but had difficulty finding one. This was my reading:

 

“At times, you’ve found yourself drawn to different types of people: gay, straight, male, female, and whatever else. Your sexuality is about as fluid as it gets, and it’ll probably remain so as long as you’re having sexual impulses”[1]. Yes, I am definitely bisexual.

In curiosity, I checked another scale.  This one dealt with figure ground pictures involving naked women or something else.  I came out “straight as an arrow”[2].

Now I was a bit confused (typical state for a bisexual), so I took a third test.  This one seemed more scientific [3]. It was called the Epstein Orientation Inventory (ESOI). It has a range of 13 with a mean of seven. This time the results indicated that I had a mean sexual orientation of 7 (right smack dab in the middle), a sexual orientation range of 11 (really high), a sex drive of 11.5 (really high), a same sex attraction of 12 (really high), an opposite sex attraction of 11 (fairly high).

So what does this all mean. Well, first of all, it means I am bisexual with difficulty analyzing figure ground due to weakness in visual processing where I tend to focus on the dominant figure by color and intensity. According to the other two scales, yes, I am bisexual. So what? I knew that already. To me there are only two questions:

Have you had sex with a man and enjoyed it.

Have you had sex with a woman and enjoyed it.

If you answered “yes” to both questions you are bisexual. If you answered yes to only one you are either heterosexual or gay or lesbian. If you answered no to both questions you are either too young to take the test, or as Hamlet said to Ophelia, “Get thee to a nunnery,” or perhaps a monastery. I would also guess (very unscientific of me) that most experienced bisexuals like me would have a very high sex drive with a slight leaning towards same sex attractions but backed by a healthy drive towards the opposite sex.  I would also guess that most active bisexuals tend to have an opposite sex partner but frequent or occasional desires and perhaps experiences with same sex acquaintances. The opposite is also true but I would guess the difference to be in the range of 1 to 8.

If we know we are bisexual, why take the tests?  In my case, it was curiosity, a desire to know more about myself, and that is a good thing. We should be curious about our bisexual nature, not out of fear or doubt, but just to expand our knowledge of ourselves and our sexual natures. The more we know about ourselves and our sexual drives, the more we can enjoy our bodies and the experiences we can have through our sexuality.

[1] Greenring, Tanner. Buxxfeed.( https://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/lets-talk-about-sex?utm_term=.juDp2XoZ2#.vbLlVzOjV).

[2] Walker, Kate. How Dirty is Your Mind Accorcing to the Kinsaey Scale. Playbuzz. (http://www.playbuzz.com/katewalker10/this-test-will-help-you-place-yourself-on-kinseys-sexuality-scale).

[3] Epstein, Robert.Straight, Gay, or In Between. (http://mysexualorientation.com/)

A Bisexual Man’s New Year’s Resolutions

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New Year’s day. Time for New Year’s Resolutions.  Here are mine.  You can borrow them if you like.  I wish you the best year of your life.

 

 

  1. I will know myself – forget my weaknesses, know my strengths, and know my talents. I will be a curious conscious human being.
  2. I will Love myself. Unconditionally. Period. No ifs. No buts.  I will start every morning by looking myself in the mirror and saying “I love you”. I will not only say it but I will mean it and feel it.
  3. I will spend fifteen minutes a day meditating.  I will seek that place where I feel one with all things. My focus will not be on nothingness but on me and my place in this beautiful world in which I live. Throughout the rest of the day I will take time to smell the flowers, to hug the trees, and say hello to the eagles.
  4. I am the most important person in my world so I will take good care of myself. I will be responsible for supplying all my own needs.  I will not depend on anyone else to do what I alone can do.
  5. I will evaluate all my wants and make plans to obtain and achieve them.
  6. I will spend some quality time with myself. I will take time each day to focus my attention on me. I will ask myself what I would really like to do today and then do it.
  7. I will be honest with myself. I will cut through the crap that my ego wants to throw at me. No sad stories. No excuses for not being true to me. I am a beautiful, powerful human being. I will not just act it; I will live it.
  8. I will be honest with others. I will let them know my feelings and my desires, what I do and why I do a the things I do. I will not make excuses for my behavior. I will accept the responsibility for being me. I will explain my reasons for doing what I do and feeling what I feel. If those I love cannot live with the real me, then I must be prepared to let them go. I will live with the consequences of my actions and beliefs.
  9. I will come to grips with my sexuality, my gender and my orientation. I will understand that it is a part of me but not the whole me.
  10. I will control my sexuality and not let it control me. I will understand the intricacies of my gender and sexuality. It is my physical expression of my desires and my capacity to love. I will not fragment it by separating it from my need to love and be loved.

Anal Intercourse and the Law

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Did you know that anal intercourse for gay and bisexual men is still part of the criminal code in Canada? The law is never enforced but it is still on the books.  It makes anal sex illegal for consenting adults with the exception of consenting heterosexuals over 16 who engage in the privacy of their own homes, which by the process of illumination, leaves it illegal for gay and bisexual men. This “crime” carries a maximum sentence of 10 years.

The question of anal sex between men has been a problem for society for centuries. Sodomy has been criticized by the intellectual community, declared an abomination deserving of eternal punishment by religious groups, and criminalized by various societies. The question is “why”.

Based on the nature of the above law, and my own personal observations, I must conclude that it is because it is a sexual expression involving men.  Men engaging in sex with men is something that society feels is a perversion of sexuality.  Men are supposed to be macho and driven to become alpha males where the biggest and best compete to spread their genes into the gene pool. To avoid competition for women and intercourse is a sign of weakness and a betrayal to the collective advancement of mankind. Gay and Bisexual men are therefore labelled as pansies, ferries and fags.

The second reason involves the esthetic view of eroticism. Sex between women is viewed in general as sensuous and erotic, while sex between men is vied as in bad taste (pun intended). Take for example the sex scenes in the movies Brokeback Mountain and Carol. To most people the passionate energy and urgency in Brokeback Mountain left most people squirming in their seats whereas the one in Carol was viewed as erotic and sweet. Another popular example is the voyeurism expressed in pornography and sexually free parties. A man and a woman engaging in oral of vaginal sex is considered amusing and entertaining. Sex between two women will gather a group of interested watchers. However sex between men simply would not happen in mixed groups and would only be consider as entertaining by gay and bisexual men.

The third reason, I believe, is that the act itself is viewed as disgusting.  Somehow it is acceptable between a man and a woman but should be carried out in privacy; however,  when men engage in anal sex it suddenly becomes dirty and revolting. Another example is the variation in oral sex. A close female friend recently asked me if men do indeed perform anal oral stimulation. Now she is a very open minded individual, but when I answered in the affirmative she was obviously disgusted by it. Perhaps people feel that both anal oral stimulation (also known as rimming) and penetration are dirty because of the possibility of feces as opposed to the remnants of urine in vaginal oral sex. However, obviously, gay and bisexual men are very much aware of this and take precautions with washing and lotions to make sure they are clean, and probably cleaner than most experiences of vaginal oral engagement. This oral stimulation for men is also very erotic and pleasurable and can become an integral part of foreplay for bi’s and gay men.

In conclusion, I believe all forms of sex are private matters between individuals. What people choose to do in the privacy of their own homes is strictly up to them. Laws against sexual privacy are absurd and archaic. If others want to fantasize and be disgusted by their own imagination that is their problem. Get over it.  This law should be taken off the records. It is disgusting and an abomination against fair play and justice.

Bisexuality – the Search for Intimacy

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)I am sitting at my writer’s desk, getting ready for my next entry in my Bisexual Blog, my next book on bisexuality, and thinking of the loves of my life. My bisexuality has made it difficult for me at times, because I have not been able to give my whole self to the pursuit of love with one man or one woman. On the other hand, I have had the soul filling opportunity to experience intense feelings of genuine bonding with some truly wonderful people. And is that not the true and only meaningful purpose of life?

As bisexuals, our primary pathway to intimacy is essentially sexual in nature. For heterosexual men and women, even in the workplace, they are always subconsciously and sometime consciously aware of the attractiveness of someone from the opposite sex.  As bisexuals we come from a different planet than heterosexuals and even our close cousins the gays and lesbians.  We are totally oversexed. We are wired so that everyone and everything is sexual in nature. All our perceptions are channeled through our limbic system. Our brains are wired so that we directly respond, absorbing the energies and pheromones of both men and women. Everyone is potentially a sexual partner. The truth is that we hunger intensely for touch, connection, and bonding with both men and women. We hunger for intimacy.

For us bisexuals, who often find early same-sex exploration psychologically disturbing and painful, we are often led to a heterosexual relationship where as women we are pursued hotly by lustful males, and as men, we are urged into a committed and permanent relationship by women. For both bisexual men and women this gives us a sense of worthiness (which we desperately seek), love, belonging, and that terrible word – normalcy.

But because of our bisexual nature we somehow never feel complete.  Eventually that relationship is not enough.  The search for wholeness drives us from the safety of a heterosexual relationship to seek out something more with another man or woman. This need cannot be filled with just friendship, and it cannot be filled with chance encounters. The only thing that will complete us is intimacy; and that intimacy is though touch, and that touch is primarily sexual.

This places us at the crossroads in our lives and our relationships. We have to get past the “sexuality” in bisexuality and focus on the “bi”.  We have to have intimate relationships with both men and women. It does not have to be orgasmic, but it has to be more than a hug, much more. The search of sexual connection ultimately has to lead to deeper emotional satisfaction.

At his point we have to make choices, hard choices, choices that involve others, choices that require honesty with ourselves and with those we love. This requires boundaries that are sometimes difficult to maintain. In my case, I seek intimate and sexual satisfaction with my heterosexual mate, and intimate but non-sexual relationships with my male friends.  It has been a long journey, one that I am not sure I would have been able to make when I was younger and hormone driven. But regardless of the path taken,  I have come to a place of comfort with my male friends where we are aware that we are gay or bisexual; we are aware that we are potential sexual partners; we flirt and banter much like married heterosexuals do with other men or women, but we know that our relationship is too important to let it become sexual. We have moved on to the greater satisfaction of intimacy.  We love each other like brothers, but yet more than brothers, but not as lovers.

Bisexuality – Kinds of Love

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Yes, I am a bisexual human being, but there is more to me than my genitals. The key to living a bisexual life, or any life for that matter, is learning to love from the deepest part of the soul.  Kaznarek, in his work titled “How Should We Live”[1], looks at the six Greek words for love. Lets apply them to bisexuality.

As bisexuals, we usually focus on the sexual eros, the passion side of love. We have taken a biological process designed for reproduction, created the concept of “sexual love”, and held it up as the solution to all our wants and needs. As bisexuals, we often seek same-sex love where we engage our passions without being responsible for the feelings of our sex partner. This can be okay as long as each person seeks passion for the same reason. As we have seen, this form of love may lead to pleasure and the dopamine rush that we all seek; however, we have also reached the conclusion that this is not enough to keep a relationship alive or provide for the deeper needs of the human soul. Typically, we use passion for a while to meet our individual needs and then we drift apart.

The second kind of love is ludus or playful love. This is the innocent stage of flirting or teasing. It is the banter at the bar, or psychological jostling in the coffee room at work, or the contact on the dance floor. It is innocent play that seeks to unite through joyful experiences. It is sexual in nature but is more of an attempt to connect through play rather than an all-out drive to seduce. This love lets us laugh and experience each other’s positive energies of joy and happiness without getting into the dopamine driven sexual rush. It lets us connect with and share positive energies with other human beings.   As bisexuals, this play can be with men or women; however, we usually save the play for heterosexual banter and the driven passion for same sex experiences. If we to learn to play with both sexes, we may smile more and regret less.

The third type of love is pragma, or longstanding love, often associated with couples in long lasting relationships. These are usually opposite-sex sexual partnerships but may also be the same-sex primary relationship. Pragma is having a life-partner to share at the deepest levels of our spiritual souls and sexual bodies. When we are in these relationships, we usually attempt to stay monogamous. However, we must realize that the monogamous part is for intimacy and soul to soul, spirit to spirit kind of relationship.  For bisexuals, this kind of monogamy does not necessarily exclude other kinds of love or other lovers for that matter. We may still have our pragma relations with our soul- mate but relate to others with sexual passion or play. This requires a great deal of maturity from both partners.

The fourth aspect of love is philia or deep friendship. At this point, we leave the sexual world behind and express an altruistic type of love. In the Greek, it originally referred to men fighting side by side in the phalanx on the battle field. I believe we are again on the battlefield in our present society, fighting a war for identity and purpose.  It helps to have people that we can trust with our lives to share, grow, and survive. In our bisexual desires to get closer to our same-sex acquaintances, we often revert to sexual attraction, but this kind of love is much deeper than that. For me, my challenge is to make non-sexual bonds with other gay and bisexual men who truly understand and share the struggles of bisexuality.  I have to learn to share my fears with them and trust them to guard my back when I need it.

The fifth, and perhaps most important of all, is philautia or love of self. The negative side is narcissism which is self-absorption that leads to individualism and most of the negative aspects of our society. The positive side is that we like ourselves and feel secure enough in ourselves to reach out to others. All other forms of love should be connected with self-love. All relationships with others should lead us to greater love for ourselves. If we bisexuals find ourselves feeling depressed and experiencing shame because of our sexual practices, we know we have work to do in this area.

The sixth type of love is agape or universal loving kindness. It is tapping into the universal power of love that connects us all as human beings. It is being able to take this love within and then share it with someone else. It combines compassion with intimacy. It is being willing to touch and be touched by others. It is that warm hug from a dear friend or the hug that follows a moment of tears with someone that needs our love and support. As bisexuals, because of the journey we have taken to become mature sexual human beings, we have something to share with others on how to go beyond our sexuality into the world of self-love and love for others.

If we truly understand our bisexuality, we can view it in light of all these aspects of love and connection. Yes, sexuality it is one way to reach out to others as a form of intimacy and connection, but it should not be used to fulfill all our needs and desires for connection and self-identity.  We are more than just sexual beings; we have all these other expressions of love that are better expressed by a hug than by an hour in bed.

 

[1] Krznaric, Roman. How Should We Live .Amazon.  2013.  (http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/the-ancient-greeks-6-words-for-love-and-why-knowing-them-can-change-your-life)

 

Statistics and Bisexuality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)Statistics consistently indicate that bisexuals outnumber gays and lesbians. In a comprehensive study of scientifically accurate surveys from around the world, Gates[1] concluded that among adults who identify as LGBQ, bisexuals comprise a slight majority, 1.8% compared to 1.7% who identify as lesbian or gay. However, when you factor in people with sexual orientation issues (presumably bisexual?) the numbers clearly indicate that bisexuality is a major factor in the lives of a growing number of people today.

Gates found that estimates of those who report any lifetime same-sex sexual behavior and any same-sex sexual attraction are substantially higher than estimates of those who identify as LGB. He discovered that an estimated 19 million Americans (8.2%) report that they have engaged in same-sex sexual behavior and nearly 25.6 million Americans (11%) acknowledge at least some same-sex sexual attraction.These last figures indicate that people who have some attraction more often than not act upon these impulses. Some of these then choose to live bisexual lives while others use these experiences to determine their true wants and desires.

So what can we take from this data? Bisexuality is the largest component in the LGBQ community, and yet, we receive the least attention. Two question arise from this – “Why?”, and  “Is this a god thing or a bad thing?” Frankly, I think this is a good thing. We do not need the label, and we do not need special political considerations. These viewpoints just cloud the issues and focus on the bi nature and not the human aspects of our sexuality and how it affects our general health and well-being.

The “Why?” is a little more complex. Samantha Joel, in her article “Bisexual Myths Debunked by Science”[2] used science to discredit three myths: Bisexuality Doesn’t Exist, Bisexuality Is Just a Phase, and Bisexual People Can’t Be Faithful to Their Partners. I believe that society has created these myths out of fear of the greater implications of bisexuality. If we are not gay or lesbian, and if we are not straight, then we are somehow a threat to both. Gays and Lesbian hold to myths 1 and 2 because they need to believe that if you have same-sex tendencies than you must be gay or lesbian in denial or repression. After all, sexual orientation must be biological and probably genetic, and therefore, there is no room for a third grouping. Straight people hold to Myth 3 as a warning to straight people to stay away from this dangerous and unpredictable group in society. There is also the belief by both groups in myth 2, in that bisexual people are just confused with loose morals and need erotic experiences; therefore, they must be just going through a sexual exploration phase. They can therefore be devalued and ignored.

At the root of it all is fear for the greater unasked question and the subsequent response. We engage is bisexual activities because we enjoy it. We have stepped outside the sexual boxes imposed by the heterosexual and gay explanations of sexuality and declared that we are our own sexual revolution where sex is a pleasure of the body that can be explored without morals or gender bias. We have stepped into the realm where gay, lesbian, or heterosexual sex is perfectly normal, enjoyable, and open to everyone.

And if we have sexual freedom that is just the tip of the iceberg. Then we have the potential to be free from all of the other restrictions placed on us by society. That makes us even more dangerous.  That means we are out of control. It actually may lead to a deeper level of brotherly love free of political and religious restrictions. It might even mean that we might destroy the planet as the majority know it and subsequently save it by helping to usher in a new paradigm based on universal love, acceptance, and freedom.

 

[1] Gates, Gary. “How many people are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender?”. Williams Distinguished Scholar, April 2011 (The Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law)

[2] Joel, Samantha. “Bisexual Myths Debunked by Science”. Science of Relationships, file:///C:/Users/User/Documents/My%20writing/Blogs/Bisexuality%20Myths%20Debunked%20by%C2%A0Science%20-%20_%20-%20Science%20of%20Relationships.html

Wading through Research on Bisexuality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

Having trouble wading through the scientific research on bisexuality? Join the club. This may help. Paula C. Rodriguez Rust in her book, Bisexuality in the United States (2000), traces the research from an historical perspective.  She notes research on homosexuality (or any sexuality for that matter) was not showing up in the scientific field of studies until the 1950’s. Homosexuality was still considered a perversion and a mental illness and received very little scientific attention. During the 60’s the sexual revolution started and after the riots in New York, homosexuality started to receive attention as a legitimate orientation. In the 70’s, bisexuality was noted but was considered just a transitory stage to homosexuality. In the 80’s researchers finally began to address the issues because they felt that bisexuals might be the gateway for spreading AIDS from the homosexual to the heterosexual community. She sites works by two pioneers in the 80’s, Jay P. Paul, Reassessing our Paradigms of Sexuality, and A.P. MacDonald Jr.,  A Little Bit of Lavender Goes a Long Way, that brought the study of bisexuality away from the binary view of heterosexuality and homosexuality.  During the early 90’s we had a shift to a concept of sexual orientation which allowed for a broader view which could explain bisexuality and other variations that did not fit into the binary model. This opened the gates to the hodge-podge of theories and conclusions that we now see in the scientific journals. To the part-time bisexual academic like me, all this is interesting, but  there appears to be no clear cut answer to anything that might help me understand myself better and lead a more wholesome life.

After wading through the review of the literature, one is left with a headache and more confusion than when one started. We eventually are tempted to chuck all the theories in the wastebasket and start over with a new paradigm. I believe we are all individuals who pursue our passions in different ways according to a sprinkling of genetic factors that create a predisposition, and environmental experiences during early childhood, or even back into the womb, that shape these predispositions into a potential orientation. Further experiences during adolescence reinforce the predisposition leading us to fulfill our needs for passion and sexual gratification in different ways. This creates a biological/psychological impulse from the old brain that we can refer to as a sexual orientation that directs us to seeking copulation with same sex, or opposite sex partners, and in the case of bisexuals, with either/or.

People who have been gay or lesbian or straight since the get-go, may have strong psychological/emotional impulses that result in powerful feelings of repulsion when different sexual  opportunities arise. When the impulse goes to the administration center, it gets an automatic yes or no depending on the feelings attached to our orientation. But as bisexuals, these aversion or circuit blocks do not exist. We always have the ability to choose.

Nor is our bisexual orientation stationary. Neurological studies based on real and solid evidence show that we are constantly changing, pruning away our dendrites and creating new ones, changing our neural pathways based on new experiences. When we change our neural pathways we change who we are. When we have traumatic events like rape or divorce, we may make major changes in our sexual orientation in order to survive. But once the hurting stops, we may choose to revert to old patterns or start new ones. Beyond that we adjust these patterns not only to survive but to thrive. Who I am today is not who I was yesterday, and who I am today is certainly not who I was ten years ago.

There is even a case to be made that we are all potentially bisexual and therefore open to all forms of sexuality. To say that we have to be locked into being gay or lesbian or bisexual of pan sexual or kinky or straight is simply not true. I KNOW THIS SOUND LIKE HERESY; once gay always gay is essential to the group political beliefs and the feeling of identity and security of the individual, but it is simply not the case. Brainwashing does work. If you experience enough pain you change the neural pathways, even the old-brain ones, creating blocks to old patterns and opening channels to new ones. Pain can make any change possible. Does that mean change will be easy? NO, of course not, and for some it will seem to be almost impossible, but in reality, anything is possible. But if you enjoy being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or straight, then by all mean continue and enjoy.

Essentially then, do we bisexuals have a binary sexual orientation? Yes, but so what? Except for academia in the fields of Psychology and Sociology, who really cares? The key is to find happiness and experience joy through our sexual experiences and to remember that this is only one aspect (how-be-it and very powerful one) to our complex love and pleasure systems. Thinking about it complicates it. By defining it, we claim it, and our sexual identity can become our personal identity. The key is to be able to bring things to the conscious level and to choose a path that will lead to contentment and wholeness. By continuing to function with this process, we can change who we are into whomever we want to be. So welcome change.

There is not a single sexual act or sexual orientation that you can look at as a source of any of your problems.   The problem is the way you think about it. There is no purpose in categorizing ourselves or others because that very act limits our freedoms and choices. If your orientation is no longer resulting in feelings of joy and contentment, then by all means change it or even suppress it entirely and become asexual.  What it all boils down to then is to know who you are, not just your sexual identity, but who you really are inside. Be true to the inner you and use your sexuality to enjoy your life in any way you feel will enhance being you.  So get your thinking straightened out and go out and enjoy life.