Category: Bisexuality

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Awareness.

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Awareness is the state or condition of being aware; having knowledge and consciousness.  But awareness can only become a virtue when you don’t just understand it, but you live it. In my opinion, there are three levels of awareness: mindfulness, the acceptance and immersion in the higher self, and the awareness of the day to day pleasures of living. As bisexuals the concept of awareness can take on a whole new meaning.

The first level of awareness is mindfulness.  In my view, it is simply closing down the mind and opening up our souls to all the sensations around us.  It is focusing on the beauties of this world. It can be a walk along the ocean shore with the pungent scent of the salty air or a walk through an old growth forest with the beauty of light filtering down through the maples. It can be the sound of my bird friends singing their hearts out about the joy of living. Mindfulness is immersing my soul in the sweet energies of nature, shutting down the noise of this world, and ignoring the negative energy of my negative thoughts.

The second stage is to become aware of the inner or the higher self.  I am the presence in all the things of beauty. My soul is interacting with all the sweet sensations that surround me. Once in this state of self-awareness, I can feel the surge of positive energy flow through my being. I understand just how beautiful and powerful I am.  I truly understand that there are no limitations on how much I can experience.  I interact with nature and other human beings with an incredible exchange of energy and being.

The third stage is to bring this energy and presence into my everyday life where I can meet each new situation free of anxiety and fear.  I can just be and let things happen around me knowing that all things can lead to joy and personal growth. There are no problems, only opportunities.  There is always choice and I can choose to indulge or walk away.

Now how does this apply to bisexuality?  We are truly blessed on several levels. Here are my five points on awareness and bisexuality:

  1. First, because of the nature of our struggles, we have been compelled to search for our true sexual nature. This gives us the opportunity to become more aware as we search for the universal truths that surround us. This search will either lead to ruin or to a newer level of self-actualization.
  2. In this search, we will come to the understanding that our bisexual gender issues are not part of that reality; they are merely a role that we have slipped into because of the pressures of our families and culture. Once we come to this realization, we can then become aware that our whole life is full of roles that we play. Once we are aware of that we can choose to play the role or to develop our own patterns of living.
  3. The third point is that we really do have a different nature than everyone else. You can refer to it as two spirits in the sense that we have a masculine and a feminine soul, not just sexually, but all the gender qualities that go with it. But in reality, it is only one spirit that combines the whole spectrum of masculine and feminine virtues.
  4. The fourth is our sexual response to life. As bisexuals we can enjoy tremendous sexual energy that we can use to form intimate connection with men and women. We can indulge our feminine personas when we are with a man and our masculine when we are with a woman. We can go beyond the sexual role play and enter into true intimacy where we share not only our bodies but our minds and souls. We are free to choose to do this with one special individual or we can seek connection with whomever we choose.
  5. As bisexuals we have an opportunity to share this tremendous life energy with those around us. We can open our souls to others so that the divine energy, the full energy or a complete human being, can flow to those around us and bless them. This energy is always reciprocal – the more you give the more you get in return.

 

The Virtue of Truth vs Reality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)How does one know and understand reality when all thoughts and decisions are governed by cultural influences? Reality involves the sensations that become perceptions as they are initially processed by the old brain. Then reality becomes a personal interpretation as the messages are sent on to the frontal cortex for second appraisal before action takes place. The old brain functions on instinct, including survival and reproduction. The reality is that every fully intact human being is capable of and tuned into being part of reproduction and the survival of the species. The sex part is biological and in a sense the reality, the gender part is very much what we make it. Therefore, truth is relevant to our perceptions and desires.We each have our own personal version of truth.

Is there a gay gene? Maybe, but probably not. Is there a genetic predisposition to being gay or lesbian? Definitely, but for bisexuals these predispositions seem to involve being more sensitive and vulnerable to circumstances in our environment which in turn leads us to engaging in a variety of sexual practices. We do not seem to bond well and therefore lack the system of controls that most people have.

One of the more fascinating studies on bonding and attraction was a study by Scheele et al[1] in which bonded males tended to avoid contact with attractive females under the influence of a nasal oxytocin spray,  whereas unattached males experienced greater attraction.  So what does this have to do with bisexuality?  It would suggest, at least to me, that bonding,   sexual attraction, and gender choice have to do with the presence of oxytocin. By far the majority of children are born with a oxytocin-based bonding process directed towards a person of the opposite sex so that normal reproduction can take place and the human race can be saved one more time. At some point in human development, perhaps even in the womb, the fetus or child forms a bond with the mother that results in the oxytocin mechanism being formed. So what happens if there is no bond, if the mother is experiencing extreme anxiety and is perhaps under the influence of the anxiety/survival masculine hormone of testosterone? Could this perhaps leave the gay male fetus with the need for a male bond or the lesbian fetus with the need for a female bond? Could it be that the bisexual is left without a definite bond for either male or female, and therefore open to attraction with whomever provides excitement and comfort? This, I believe could be the basis of the gay, lesbian or bisexual predisposition. For gays and lesbians they are seeking bonding with same sex partners but what about the bisexual?

When it comes to making decisions, the administration center of the frontal cortex becomes engaged in trying to sort out this sorry mess, leading to inconsistencies and confusion.  There is no strong definite message about attraction and seeking or preserving the partner bond, because the oxytocin urge defined by predisposition and bonding simply is not there. The bisexual does not have an oxytocin bond with his or her mate so has no inhibition or aversion to sexual contact with another individual.  Because there is no genetic same-sex-aversion oxytocin sensation, the bisexual is open to experiencing sexual pleasure with either males or females without any need or desire to bond.  This usually involves a ego or soul based desire to be faithful in a relationship with a psychological aversion to people of the same sex as the partner, and therefore, a feeling that it is okay to engage with sexual activities with the  sex different from the partner and still maintain a warped sense of being faithful. The drive is strictly pleasure based with a smattering of guilt and shame.  At his point it is simply a choice and the admin center makes the decisions based on the information available including the desire for pleasure from the body and the need for maintaining relationships and positions in society from the ego. Most of the time it is no contest – we choose pleasure.

So what has this got to do with Truthfulness? Simply put, we bisexuals have our own version of truth.  We are not bound by biological aversion controls. We are free to make our decision based on our desire, our need for sexual intimacy, and the cultural desire to please and be faithful to a partner.  The mind and body usually fight over the decisions on what is the greater need and the body often wins this argument with the mind. So where does this leave us in regards to truthfulness?

  1. First and foremost we have to be true to ourselves and recognize that these needs are often overpowering and we have no biological control mechanisms to make the decisions for us.
  2. We have to be conscious of our desires and why we have them. If we are going to be true to ourselves, we have to honor the cravings of our bodies. If our bodies absolutely need the excitement and comfort of these relationships, we have to create a life where these impulses are honored.
  3. If we have a need to create a mentally constructed relationship rather than a bonded relationship with one individual then we should do so. For us bisexuals we have to make a conscious decision on why we want to spend our lives with this person and not just rely on the non-existent bonding biological systems.
  4. We have to realize that our attraction for our partner is not biological bond-based and therefore will vary over time. However, our partner (unless they are bisexual) will have formed a biological oxytocin bond with us and will continue to experience strong sexual attraction for us and will be very uncomfortable with our situation based attraction for them. We have to consciously maintain our levels of attraction for them to accommodate their needs.
  5. We also have to realize that they are bonded to us and have an aversion for relationships with others. They will find it very difficult to understand why we do not respond in like manner.  In other words we have to continuously work on meeting their needs for attraction and security within what is to them a bonded relationship.

[1] Scheele D., Striepens N., Gunturkun O., Deutschlander S., Maier W., Kendrick K., and Hurlemann R.. Oxytocin Modulates Social Distance between Males and Females. Journal of Neuroscience 14 November 2012, 32 (46) 16074-16079; DOI: https://doi.org/10.1523/JNEUROSCI.2755-12.2012

 

Bisexuality and The Virtue of Truthfulness

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“All our sacred traditions reveal that our life is inherently meaningful because we are the expression of Divine love, justice, kindness, and truthfulness in the world”[1].  In her book, A Pace of Grace, Linda Popov talks about how focusing on our virtues is essential in maintaining a joyous and productive life. I believe it is time for us bisexuals to take our focus off of what we do, and all the shame and guilt that goes with it, and focus on what we are and all the virtues we possess.

I would like to start with the virtue of  “truthfulness”. Throughout my first marriage, I lived a double life.  I was dishonest with myself and my ex-wife. It lead to heartbreak and grief for both of us and a mental crash and thoughts of suicide for me. In order to prevent heartbreak and depression, we have to be honest with ourselves, take an honest look at our actions, and search our feelings. Does our way of life really reflect the values we care most about? Does our life bring us joy? According to Popov truthfulness requires that we, “reflect on the meaning of what is happening in your (our) life and determine the guiding virtues you (we) need to do the right thing and to live more consciously”[2]. Truly this is the way, and perhaps, in the long run, the only way, to truly live a happy and meaningful life.

So how does the virtue of truthfulness apply to bisexuality? Here are my five thoughts on the subject:

  1. First the big one, we have to deal with the thoughts that are preventing us from being truthful with ourselves. The greatest source of these negative thoughts is shame. To deal with shame we have to first understand what it is and where it comes from. It is part of our subconscious mind developed during early childhood by the disciplinary system of our culture.  When we, as children, do something that our parents disapprove of, they try to make us feel remorse or shame. Then, as we get older, we feel this sense of shame whenever we do something that we feel our parents would not approve of.  This then generalizes to our relationships with others, including teachers, peers, and society at large. As bisexuals, we automatically fall into the shame category because our society does not understand our behavior and thus disapproves of the way we live our lives. We have to realize that our bisexuality is our own individual biological predisposition or orientation. We have to recognize that shame is coming from an outside source that is trying to make us conform to its standards. We have to realize that we are free to recognize the source, state our truth, and then respond and behave in a way that is true to ourselves and our orientation.  To live in truthfulness we must not feel forced to conform to  anyone else’s view on our own behavior and morality.
  2. Speak only the truth. This means being truthful with ourselves as well as others. We need to learn how to listen to the inner voice from the higher self that is telling us that there is something wrong with the way we are perceiving things. We have to let the voice speak without interruptions or excuses and then act according to that truth.
  3. We do not have to justify, or feel we have to justify, our thoughts and actions. We simply state the truth to ourselves and then to others as needed. It really is on a need to know basis. If someone inquiries about our actions, we should respond honestly and from the heart and give them only as much information as they need to know. If they want to know more they will ask.
  4. We should not impose our truth on others. Our virtue of truthfulness is never intended to put others in their place or to shock and hurt. We do not have to parade our thoughts and feeling before others who have no idea of where we are coming from and the truth of our inner thoughts and feelings. Truth is a private thing between us and our inner selves and the significant people in our lives. If you want to get involved in LGBTQ politically do it for good reasons but not to follow the crowd or to justify your actions to others.
  5. We must focus on the basic truth. The virtue of truthfulness should lead to a greater sense of being, purpose, and joy. If we are not experiencing these feelings there may be something wrong with our interpretation and practice of our inner truth and our development of the virtue of truthfulness.

[1] Popov, Linda K. . A Pace of Grace. Plume. 2004 (Page 25).

[2] Popov (page 25).

 

 

 

Finding the Higher Self

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img_1394-1In the past, fighting against the desires of my bisexual soul used to drain all my energy. I don’t fight it anymore; I just accept it as a beautiful part of me. Much of the growth has come as a result of getting older. Getting older has its blessings. I no longer chase after fruitless dreams that keep me busy with no real rewards. I choose to see and enjoy the moment and the things of my soul instead of the things of my mind.

Autumn Again

My west deck,

Reaching for the blue sky,

Sitting near the top of the laurel hedge,

Surrounded by trees,

A sea of green, delicious green,

That nurtures my soul

With the vibrations of living things.

The sun pours in its autumn warmth

In golden rays of pure light,

As the silence gathers and spreads,

Offering healing to a tired mind.

 

It is a new age,

The age of not yet old,

But no longer young,

An age where everything fits together,

And I choose to do those things

That offer peace and contentment,

And I choose to give my soul

To a God who does not judge,

But spreads a blanket of love on those who seek,

And I choose to give my heart,

A response to the love energy that surrounds me,

A gift from my higher self to my conscious self,

A gift that keeps on giving and never ends.

The Kinsay Scale and Bisexuality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)I finally found an easy to do on-line test based on the Kinsey Scale.  I have been interested in doing one for a long time but had difficulty finding one. This was my reading:

 

“At times, you’ve found yourself drawn to different types of people: gay, straight, male, female, and whatever else. Your sexuality is about as fluid as it gets, and it’ll probably remain so as long as you’re having sexual impulses”[1]. Yes, I am definitely bisexual.

In curiosity, I checked another scale.  This one dealt with figure ground pictures involving naked women or something else.  I came out “straight as an arrow”[2].

Now I was a bit confused (typical state for a bisexual), so I took a third test.  This one seemed more scientific [3]. It was called the Epstein Orientation Inventory (ESOI). It has a range of 13 with a mean of seven. This time the results indicated that I had a mean sexual orientation of 7 (right smack dab in the middle), a sexual orientation range of 11 (really high), a sex drive of 11.5 (really high), a same sex attraction of 12 (really high), an opposite sex attraction of 11 (fairly high).

So what does this all mean. Well, first of all, it means I am bisexual with difficulty analyzing figure ground due to weakness in visual processing where I tend to focus on the dominant figure by color and intensity. According to the other two scales, yes, I am bisexual. So what? I knew that already. To me there are only two questions:

Have you had sex with a man and enjoyed it.

Have you had sex with a woman and enjoyed it.

If you answered “yes” to both questions you are bisexual. If you answered yes to only one you are either heterosexual or gay or lesbian. If you answered no to both questions you are either too young to take the test, or as Hamlet said to Ophelia, “Get thee to a nunnery,” or perhaps a monastery. I would also guess (very unscientific of me) that most experienced bisexuals like me would have a very high sex drive with a slight leaning towards same sex attractions but backed by a healthy drive towards the opposite sex.  I would also guess that most active bisexuals tend to have an opposite sex partner but frequent or occasional desires and perhaps experiences with same sex acquaintances. The opposite is also true but I would guess the difference to be in the range of 1 to 8.

If we know we are bisexual, why take the tests?  In my case, it was curiosity, a desire to know more about myself, and that is a good thing. We should be curious about our bisexual nature, not out of fear or doubt, but just to expand our knowledge of ourselves and our sexual natures. The more we know about ourselves and our sexual drives, the more we can enjoy our bodies and the experiences we can have through our sexuality.

[1] Greenring, Tanner. Buxxfeed.( https://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/lets-talk-about-sex?utm_term=.juDp2XoZ2#.vbLlVzOjV).

[2] Walker, Kate. How Dirty is Your Mind Accorcing to the Kinsaey Scale. Playbuzz. (http://www.playbuzz.com/katewalker10/this-test-will-help-you-place-yourself-on-kinseys-sexuality-scale).

[3] Epstein, Robert.Straight, Gay, or In Between. (http://mysexualorientation.com/)

Bisexuality Scientifically Supported

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)A friend of mine and a fellow psychologist, who is married to a woman but considers himself as strictly gay, has told me emphatically that there is no such thing as a bisexual. According to him, science indicates that you have to be either attracted to men or women but biologically you cannot be attracted to both. He bases his beliefs on the rat studies of the 1980’s involving the use or hormone injections and  more recent studies that seem to link gay or heterosexual orientation to the mother’s hormone production during pregnancy.  In either case, to him,  it seems to be either or, but not both.

However, nine million Americans who claim they are bisexual, or at least feel attraction to both men and women, cannot all be wrong. In a recent study (2011)[1] conducted in Northwestern University, researchers found “evidence that at least some men who identify themselves as bisexual are, in fact, sexually aroused by both women and men.” These findings overturn their earlier studies (2005). Using more stringent guidelines, the researchers recruited subjects from online bisexual venues. The  participants had to have had sexual experiences with at least two people of each sex and a romantic relationship of at least three months with at least one person of each sex. In both studies, men watched videos of male and female same-sex intimacy while genital sensors monitored their erectile responses. While the first study reported that bisexuals generally resembled homosexuals, the new one found that bisexual men responded to both the male and female videos. The earlier study suggested that bisexual attraction was due to subjective arousal rather than a genital response. The second study clearly showed that bisexual men did indeed have a genital response.

So what do these studies mean for us bisexuals? It is reassuring to know that we are indeed sexually aroused by both men and women (as if we didn’t know that already). For many years, I have been under the delusion that I was sexually (genital arousal) attracted to men but psychologically (subjective arousal) desired intimacy with women. This is simply not true. We cannot separate the two.  Arousal and desire for intimacy go together. Genital arousal leads to desire for intimacy and intimacy leads to genital arousal, whether it is with a man or a woman.

What has been confusing in the past is that my relationships with men were based on a quick fix, genital arousal with no subjective involvement, simply find a willing partner and engage, whereas my relationships with women demanded courtship and foreplay leading to intimacy and arousal. While I was married, I did a man thing; I compartmentalized. I got my gay fix (genital arousal) quick and easy and saved my moments of intimacy (subjective arousal) for love making with my wife. Because of the emotional intensity of my gay encounters, I came to the inevitable conclusion that my real drives were gay.  But this is simply not the case; it was merely my personal way to deal with my powerful sexual desires for both men and women.

So what is the solution? Simple me – I still think the answer is love. Find love and have sex, not have sex and perhaps find love. We seek intimacy and enjoy the genital arousal within the boundaries of a meaningful relationship. This can be with a man or a woman.  We are bisexual. This requires an open relationship where feelings and desires are open for honest discussion. And if we are not yet in an intimate relationship than it is perfectly fine and certainly enjoyable to experiment and have genital and subjective experiences with both men and women until the right person comes along.

 

[1] Rosenthat  A.M., Sylva D., Safron A., amd Bailey JM. .Sexual Arousal Patterns of Bisexual Men Revisited. Biol Psychol. 2011.

A Bisexual Man’s New Year’s Resolutions

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New Year’s day. Time for New Year’s Resolutions.  Here are mine.  You can borrow them if you like.  I wish you the best year of your life.

 

 

  1. I will know myself – forget my weaknesses, know my strengths, and know my talents. I will be a curious conscious human being.
  2. I will Love myself. Unconditionally. Period. No ifs. No buts.  I will start every morning by looking myself in the mirror and saying “I love you”. I will not only say it but I will mean it and feel it.
  3. I will spend fifteen minutes a day meditating.  I will seek that place where I feel one with all things. My focus will not be on nothingness but on me and my place in this beautiful world in which I live. Throughout the rest of the day I will take time to smell the flowers, to hug the trees, and say hello to the eagles.
  4. I am the most important person in my world so I will take good care of myself. I will be responsible for supplying all my own needs.  I will not depend on anyone else to do what I alone can do.
  5. I will evaluate all my wants and make plans to obtain and achieve them.
  6. I will spend some quality time with myself. I will take time each day to focus my attention on me. I will ask myself what I would really like to do today and then do it.
  7. I will be honest with myself. I will cut through the crap that my ego wants to throw at me. No sad stories. No excuses for not being true to me. I am a beautiful, powerful human being. I will not just act it; I will live it.
  8. I will be honest with others. I will let them know my feelings and my desires, what I do and why I do a the things I do. I will not make excuses for my behavior. I will accept the responsibility for being me. I will explain my reasons for doing what I do and feeling what I feel. If those I love cannot live with the real me, then I must be prepared to let them go. I will live with the consequences of my actions and beliefs.
  9. I will come to grips with my sexuality, my gender and my orientation. I will understand that it is a part of me but not the whole me.
  10. I will control my sexuality and not let it control me. I will understand the intricacies of my gender and sexuality. It is my physical expression of my desires and my capacity to love. I will not fragment it by separating it from my need to love and be loved.

Bisexual Christmas

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img_1394-1Christmas is often a tough time for anyone experiencing social anxieties and that certainly includes us bisexuals. When scouring the net I came up with gift ideas for bi’s including sweatshirts, tee-shirts and pendants.  But that’s not the real gift, is it? I suppose we could look at the Christ story and look for some kind of rebirth, but I think most of us are happy with the life we have. The key is not to wish for anything new but to enjoy and celebrate the important things we have. So here is my wish list for Christmas.

  1. The present – just to live a life free of anxiety, to enjoy the present moment regardless of where it takes me.
  2. Family time – to enjoy my children and grandchildren now and throughout the new year and to celebrate the fact that they do indeed still love me in spite of all the concern I have caused them.
  3. Love – I am thankful for the solid relationship I have with my wife of two and a half years. She knows I am bi, she encourages me to talk about my past and present gay desires, and she gives me the freedom to explore both sides of my bisexual nature. Above all, I am so thankful that we can enjoy each other’s bodies, minds, and souls.
  4. This beautiful planet – I live on Vancouver Island and we are presently moving up-island to live on a bay along the coast where I can greet the morning sun as it rises over Bayne’s Sound. I am thankful for the pairs of eagles that fly overhead and the sea lions that bark all day. I am thankful for the paths that wind through the old growth forest where I can stop and hug a giant tree and know that I am part of an awesome network of living things.
  5. And me – I am thankful for me, my bisexual nature, my masculine straight side and my feminine gay side. I am thankful for all the experiences my bisexuality have caused and yet opened up for me – the beautiful, the bad and the ugly. Without them I would not be who I am and I am proud and happy to be me.

Understanding the Bisexual Man

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An excerpt from my book “Bi – A Bisexual Man’s Transformational Journey”.

 

For everyone out there that is confused by bisexual behavior, it is helpful to try to understand what it’s like to be a bisexual. Prior to the 1980’s when I was growing up, bisexuality was considered just a transition stage from heterosexual to being gay. It was not until the mid-1980’s that science took a serious look at bisexuality because of the AIDS epidemic that was spreading from the gay to the heterosexual population. Most of us did not see the third choice; our struggle was between being gay or staying heterosexual and trying to live a “normal” life.

In my experience, bisexual men, particularly men with a feminine side to the gay side of their personality, seem to experience greater levels of social anxiety during childhood and adolescence, which coupled with their feminine enhanced psychological nature, makes them vulnerable to rejection, particularly by fathers, older brothers, and by potential male friends at school and in the community. Some cover it over by trying to hide behind a strictly masculine persona. Either way, they often grow into adults with serious issues related to their sexuality.

What is it like to be a bisexual man and what is the relationship, if any, between bisexual orientation, social trauma, and mental illness? It is not easy for bisexuals to deal with their gay side. A study by Susan Cochran[1], indicated that gay and bisexual men have significantly higher rates of major and recurrent depression, generalized anxiety, mood disorders, and higher rates of suicidal thoughts. Contrary to popular belief, this new generation is not coping any better. Research indicates that the bisexual population in American high schools has grown to three to six percent with an additional three percent who are unsure of their sexual orientation[2]. About one in four experience bouts of depression and attempts at suicide.

The occurrence of mental issues is even higher for married bisexual men. How does a married bisexual man with children deal with compulsive overwhelming drives that compel him to engage in behaviours that he knows will destroy his life and his marriage? They have to deal with the issues of the gay side of their sexuality while trying to maintain their social heterosexual image. The occurrence of suicide is very high; however, the exact numbers are difficult to establish, because the bisexual motivation for suicide is often concealed from the public eye. Bisexual men appear to have anxieties that may last a lifetime.

Most bisexuals that I have interviewed do not allow themselves the privilege of open and carefree gay sex. They avoid gay relationships because intimate friendships may interfere with their heterosexual lives. They seek out places for anonymous encounters, such as parks and bathhouses, where they may engage in multiple sexual acts on any given day or night. They make anonymous contacts through gay dating services and pickup gay bars. They do not care if these encounters result in intimacy or relationship. They just need gay sex as a release valve for their suppressed gay desires. Based on my observations, many bisexual men continue to lead this life until they reach a crisis point brought on by discovery of their lifestyle by their spouse, or by reaching a point where they crash and have to make the decision to accept their gay orientation and seek a relationship with another man.

In my experience, the bisexual person not only has to deal with typical gay issues, but he also has to face the mental issues brought on by repression and denial. In extreme cases, this repression can lead to a gender identity disorder which seems to involve a significant segment of the bisexual population. I believe the term “sexual identity disorder” does not exist in isolation; it has to be included as part of a personality disorder where a person denies their own identity with their own wants and needs. The sexual orientation then becomes an impossible complication to their already fragile identity.

My observations suggest that the bisexual man frequently has no self-identity or has two conflicting identities. He tends to use his gay orientation as a means of self-abuse, self-punishment, and self-destruction. Because he cannot face his true sexual identity, his sexual drive may become a compulsion that is based on fear and the subconscious emotional pain from denial and repression. This may lead to an addiction where there is only one stimulus available that can break through the hopeless feelings of self-imposed withdrawal, and that is to seek out another gay sexual rush. This compulsion, if unchecked, will eventually lead to sexual addiction, with a cycle of stimulation, action and then withdrawal, which can eventually lead to a mental collapse and suicidal desires.

[1] Cochran, 2002.

[2] Center of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC),2016

Bisexuality and Fluidity

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Our bisexuality is not a static orientation; it changes; however, we consistently perceive and interact as bisexual over time.  Lisa Diamond of the University of Utah, using a subset of participants from a longitudinal study, measured variability in same-sex and other-sex sexual motivation over a span of 10 years, during which women also provided saliva samples for the assessment of their estrogen levels[1]. Using a dynamic wave approach rather than a static model she was able to place processes of change at the center and discover multiple processes responsible for stability and change over time. She concluded that we adopt different sexual identities at different stages in our lives, and that these identities may shape our subsequent awareness and participation in same-sex and other-sex relationships. In other words, the label affects the behavior, as well as the opposite, that the behavior affects the label. Although her research applies mainly to bisexual women, there is some indication that her findings may apply to bisexual men as well.

Diamond’s research provides the first empirical examination of competing assumptions about the nature of bisexuality, both as a sexual identity label and as a pattern of nonexclusive sexual attraction and behavior[2]. The findings demonstrate considerable fluidity in bisexual, unlabeled, and lesbian women’s attractions, behaviors, and identities over the life span. The notion that bisexuality is a transitional stage that women adopt “on the way” to lesbian identification, or is an experimental phase among heterosexual women, is not consistent with the results of this study. Women who entered the study with bisexual or unlabeled identities were significantly more likely to subsequently change their identities than were lesbian women. Most of these changes were between bisexual and unlabeled identities, and not toward either lesbianism or heterosexuality.  Furthermore, these women showed no evidence of progressive changes in their ratio of same-sex to other-sex attractions over the 10 years of the study. They were (and remain) sexually attracted to both men and women, but they label these attractions differently now than before[3].

I find her conclusion to be quite fascinating:

“The overall number of women adopting bisexual or unlabeled identities did not decline over the course of the study. If bisexuality were a temporary stage, then one would expect fewer and fewer women to maintain these identities as they moved into adulthood. Yet, to the contrary, the percentage of women claiming a bisexual or unlabeled identity hovered between 50% and 60% at each wave of the study. Even more interesting, by the end of the study, 80% of women had adopted a bisexual or unlabeled identity at some point in time. These results do not rule out the possibility that some women adopt bisexual as a transitional label, but this pattern appears exceptional rather than normative.[4]”

One of the interesting outcomes in the study was the use of labels. The “unlabeled” category was the most frequently adopted identity in the entire study. This suggests that bisexuals may adopt this label for different reasons at different times. Some bisexuals appear to be uncomfortable with the label and when they enter an opposite-sex or same-sex relationships they tend to identify as gay, lesbian or heterosexual, but these labels do not stand up over time as we tend to change our sense of our own awareness and our sexual practices over time and come back to the bisexual or unlabeled category. Most bisexuals appear to be uncomfortable with the use of any kind of label, preferring to view sexuality as something beyond the political and intellectual discussion of the rest of the LGBTQ community.  The most common label, “Unlabeled” (which has ironically has become just another label), may represent a state of being attracted to the person, not the gender. It also demonstrates our willingness to be open to change in erotic experience, not for the sake of kink or erotica but as an exploration of a sexual relationship with another human being. But regardless of the label or the “unlabel” the fact remains – we are and remain bisexual.

Another interesting findings is that most women had settled down into committed monogamous relationships. When women were in their teens and early 20s, they tended to be involved in multiple successive experiences; yet 10 years later the majority had settled into long term relationships.  This provides a notable counterpoint to the popular stereotype that bisexual women are incapable of committing to a single partner. Not only did bisexual women tend to pursue exclusive, monogamous relationships over time, but they were more likely to do so than either unlabeled or lesbian women. This again leads to some interesting conclusions about bisexuality.  It appears that we do not just seek sex for the kink and pleasure but more as a process of finding significant intimate connection.

In my review of the literature, I found reference to another survey of 394 men and women, but unfortunately, I was unable to track down the actual study for more intensive scrutiny. Apparently Desmond found that there are almost as many men who decide to identify as bisexual, queer, or “unlabeled” after identifying as gay earlier in life as there are men who first identify as bi, then as gay. The researcher originally assumed women are more sexually fluid than men but found that bisexual men also maintain a fluid sexual orientation. This again seems to be contrary to the popular belief that lesbian and bisexual women seek relationship whereas gay and bisexual men tend to be promiscuous.  It would appear that this is just another example of prejudice against gay and bisexual men. If the finding are correct, we are not just sexual deviants, but we too seek meaningful relationships and genuinely are searching for meaningful expression of our sexual bodies and souls.

 

[1] Diamond, L. M. (2012). Female Bisexuality From Adolescence to Adulthood: Results From a 10-Year Longitudinal Study Lisa M. Diamond University of Utah The desire disorder in research on sexual orientation in women: Contributions of dynamical systems theory. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 41, 73-83.

[2] Diamond, L. M. (2008). Female bisexuality from adolescence to adulthood: Results from a 10-year longitudinal study. Developmental Psychology, 44, 5-14.

[3] Female Bisexuality From Adolescence to Adulthood: Results From a 10-Year Longitudinal Study Lisa M. Diamond University of Utah

[4] Female Bisexuality From Adolescence to Adulthood: Results From a 10-Year Longitudinal Study Lisa M. Diamond University of Utah