Category: Self-love

Self-Awareness and Mental Health

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logo_2Several responses to my blogs seek to inform me that my message “is not their experience” with bisexuality. Of course not, we are all unique in our sexual and gender experiences. Mine was tainted, or should I say, “guided”, by my mental disorders. I can now understand that my disorders were a gift that urged me on to finally get to know and be true to my “Self”, not my ego-self, but my inner-self, or soul-self, or just plain Self with a capital “S”.

There appear to be two types (sorry, generalizing again) of bisexual people, those who struggle with their sexual identity and those who just seem to feel free and easy to float from one sexual experience to another. However, we are all on the same journey, including all members of the LGBT community, and all heterosexuals. We are here to grow into sentient, compassionate people, and I believe that means to grow the eternal part of our being – our soul. The soul is the place of inner-healing but it is also the center of our being and our power source into the realm of the miracle of living a full and complete life. To do that we have to first become aware that we are more than our mind, which is the ego-self, and become aware of our inner or spiritual Self.

The first step in awakening the Self is to find a way to enter into that inner space in the soul. The only way to do that is to seek a place of quiet, wait until our mind ceases its striving, and then just settle into the beauty of the moment. Once in this peaceful state, surrounded by beauty, a miraculous condition known as mindfulness can occur. In my view, mindfulness begins with mindlessness; it can only occur when the rational ego part of the mind is at rest. I believe our soul now takes over and re-calibrates the brain so that it can absorb all the information coming from all the senses. In my experience, the key is to not process this information, but to just let it flow. The spirit-filled mind now seems to integrate all these sensations with past and present feelings. The mind now appears to function in unison with the soul and absorbs the truths of life from a spiritual sense. I believe this is the field of genius where all thoughts come together, that aha moment where profound scientific discoveries are made. This is the zone where creativity is at its fullest and the words just flow onto the page, or the images emerge out of the white of the canvas. I feel that this is the point where we become mindful of the totality of the physical and spiritual world around us.

My first moment of mindfulness and awareness occurred during my darkest moments after my divorce, exploring the miles of nature trails around my country home. As I continued to let my body and my bulldog take me into the beauty of the day, I began to understand the needs and desires of my soul. I realized there was a lot more to life than serving my family and humanity. It was time to get to know and be true to my Self. So I took an early retirement which left me with half of one small pension. When I realized it was not enough to pay my bills, I left behind the ruins of my troubled past, sold or gave away everything I owned, and headed for the volcanic mountains of Costa Rica where I could thrive financially, mentally, and spiritually. Nestled in my mountain village, surrounded by the simplicity and unconditional acceptance of the Costa Ricans, I was free to enter into the mysteries of awareness.

I spent hours each day on my front patio beside the bubbling river letting my soul guide me into a state of mindfulness. In the process of meditation I became more and more aware of the living things around me. I believe that there is a state of being where we become aware that we are aware. It is during this state of awareness that we see our Self interacting with the plants and animals around us. We experience the Self as something beyond the limits of the ego-self. We begin to realize that we are powerful spiritual beings capable of experiencing and influencing the world around us. As we become more and more aware of our Self, we begin to see the infinite possibilities of life, and we can begin the process of deep inner healing.

There can be no sexual identification or gender healing without reaching into the soul, and the only way to reach into the soul is through awareness. Once we are aware, we can leave behind the days and ways of mental issues and begin the journey towards mental health and mental thriving. In other words, we use the power of the soul to heal the ego-mind.

Two Spirits

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logo_2Fresh out of university, I spent two years teaching and living on reserves in Northern Manitoba among the Cree and Chipewyan First Nations people.  It has profoundly affected me, giving me a broader perspective on the meaning and purpose of life.  It has taught me to accept every individual simply as they are without any form of judgement. As I set out to explore the meaning and nature of bisexuality, I have once again been reminded of the beautiful spiritual-social nature of the First Nations community before it was influenced by white man’s political-social views and its moralistic standards of sexuality.

Taking the lead from traditional Native Americans and Canadians, I do believe that I, and most other bisexuals, are part of a greater community of Two-Spirited people; we simultaneously house a masculine and a feminine spirit.  Ontario has explored the Two Spirit concept in an attempt to fully understand and support individuals within the LGBT community:

“Two-spirited” refers to a person who has both a masculine and a feminine spirit, and is used by some First Nations people to describe their sexual, gender and/or spiritual identity….These can include terms such as the Lakota’s “winkt” or the Dinéh’s “nàdleehé”, both of which refer to men who fill social roles associated with women, or terms which refer only to sexuality, such as the Mi’kmaq phrase “Geenumu Gessalagee”, which means “he loves men.”[1]

So what have we learned from our Native Canadians about our bisexuality? Lots, we gain a view of bisexuality as a soul-trinity involving sexuality, gender, and spirit.

First of all, make no mistake, it is sexual.  “He loves men” means “He loves men”. We have a tendency in our WASP traditions to wax over the sexual part and focus on some kind of mystical spiritism.  That kind of paternalism is not doing the Two Spirit people true justice.  Sexuality is part of our being; it is a full body-soul expression of who we are.  One of the great warriors of the Sioux, Crazy Horse, is generally believed to have had a male lover.  He was far from effeminate and yet he had a love for men.  The beauty of the native cultures is that they have demonstrated a gentle acceptance of variations in people’s sexuality.  It appears that First nation’s people simply accepted without question or judgement that Crazy Horse loved a man, and that any man or woman could have more than one sexual preference.

In reading the work of Gabriel Estrada with the Navajo, I found this wonderful concept:

“Third and fourth gender roles traditionally embodied by two-spirit people include performing work and wearing clothing associated with both men and women. Not all tribes/nations have rigid gender roles, but, among those that do, some consider there to be at least four genders: feminine woman, masculine woman, feminine man, masculine man.”[2]

 The second lesson then is that First Nation’s people also recognized that Two-Spirited includes gender as well as sexuality. It appears that in the First Nation’s communities, all expressions of gender were generally accepted.  They understood that some men preferred to wear women’s clothing, work alongside the women, and help tend the children. There was no attempt to marginalize them or prevent them from influencing the young people within the community.

In our broken society, the only way for a Two-Spirited man to express his feminine gender is to cross dress in the privacy of his own home or in clubs that will accept his feminine expression.  My introduction to my feminine gender was trying on women’s clothing at age 15.  Later in my life, after my divorce, a spent a year enjoying cross dressing.  When I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the passable face and body of a woman looking back at me, I felt I had found my true identity.  I never did dare to appear in public in my feminine gender identity; that takes the kind of courage I was not able to muster. In our society, as soon as one has been identified as being transgender, he or she is often marginalized and their involvement in the greater society is restricted. My knowledge and experiences as an educator, a psychologist, and a spiritual guide would have been totally disregarded.

I have a gender foundation that has been pruned and shaped by my negative social experiences.  In my society I am merely that queer bisexual man who left his wife so he could have sex with other men. In my struggles, I was labelled by psychologists and psychiatrists as having a personality disorder with a gender identification disorder.  I saw myself as a disorder and a misfit to society.  When I left the pseudo scientific theories behind (tough to do because I was a psychologist by profession), I began to see my gender as a gift from the universe .  At that point, I no longer had a personality disorder as I was able to see myself and love myself as I am.

I came across this additional piece of information:

 “A direct translation of the Ojibwe term, “Niizh manidoowag”, “two-spirited” or “two-spirit” is usually used to indicate a person whose body simultaneously houses a masculine spirit and a feminine spirit”.[3]

In the First Nation’s communities, Two-Spirit people could have a different but definite role in the community. They simply accepted everyone’s contribution as a spiritual gift and allowed them to express their gender-spirit in any way they wished. They could be powerful warriors such as Crazy Horse, or “they were often the visionaries, the healers, the medicine people, the nannies of orphans, the care givers.”[4] Among the First Nations people, there is general recognition that those who have been blessed with two spirits have a special contribution to make to the health and wellness of the community.  The nature of the blended spirit becomes the essential factor.

In my case, I have a spirit that is a blend of my man-spirit and my woman-spirit.  It is this Two-Spirit soul that makes me different; that makes me special.  If I were a member of an historic First Nations Community, I may have been a wise man, a shaman or a healer. My male-female sexuality, two-gender, two-spirit identification has become a beautiful foundation where I can experience my world from two spiritual views.  I now have a unique way of seeing and feeling things that I can employ to help guide my community to insight and compassion.  I have two spirits

In my search of the literature I came across one disheartening trend.  Some First Nation’s people do not want the LGBT community to appropriate and corrupt the two-spirit concept, and I do not blame them.  Unfortunately, we tend to take and use a term to prove our need for special attention in the political arena.  This concept is too precious for that.  Likewise it is too precious to appropriate it and corrupt it to describe and justify our sexual preferences. Our sexual desires do not need to be justified; they are what they are.   This term is certainly not political; it is much more than just sexual, and even more than bisexual. It is holy.  It is spiritual.

 

[1] http://lgbtqhealth.ca/community/two-spirit.php

[2] http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Two-Spirit

[3] Estrada, Gabriel S. 2011. “Two Spirits, Nádleeh, and LGBTQ2 Navajo Gaze.” American Indian Culture and Research Journal 35(4):167-190.

[4] Roscoe, W. (Editor) 1988,Living the Spirit: A Gay American Indian Anthology. City: Publisher

Bisexuality – the Search for Sanity

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logo_2I know that within the LBGT community everyone is an individual, everyone has different experiences and brings a different biological and physical make up to the experience of life.  But we do have one thing in common.  We experience a huge buildup of anxieties that lead to profoundly more mental issues and suicides than the “normal” population. Why is this happening?  Let me give you a different take on this.  It happens because we want it to happen.  We attract it because we need it.  It is a tool to be used to heal. It is the doorway to understanding life. It is the portal to ecstasy.

One of the defining characteristics of every gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender person that I have ever interviewed is a state of profound confusion experienced at some time in their life.  This state is most persistent in the bisexual community (misnomer- most of us are not part of a community – we choose isolation instead of community). But let’s take a closer look at confusion.  Confusion is not a bad thing.  It is a good thing.  It is an experience common to all mankind.  On one hand, it is the experience that causes us to run to the shelter of a religion, a philosophy, or some kind of “group think”, so that we can bring some kind of order to the chaos. But for us bisexuals, we cannot find solutions through these typical short cuts to sanity.

Because it is not that easy to run away from our particular form of confusion and anxiety, we are forced to stay in our own version of chaos.  But that is not a bad thing.  It is a good thing.  We are compelled to dig deeper to find some meaning to take away the anxiety, to find a pattern, to find a purpose, to remain sane.  Some never do and they lose it or give up and exit.  This is very sad because if they had just stayed in the game a little longer, they might have found that there are no solutions, and if they would have persevered, they may have come to the point that they could accept that confusion was okay.

in fact, confusion is more than okay; it is the only reality.  When we accept the confusion, and we accept the chaos, and we accept ourselves just as we are, life becomes quite simple.  No pretense.  No religious short cuts. No need for philosophy.  No need for labels.  No need to hide behind the security of the word “bisexual”. No need to seek out the comforts of a group. We just are and we are okay.  We are more than okay.  We are one with the chaos. We are one with the beautiful pattern of random abstract.  We are free to pursue the pleasure of our senses for the sake of pleasure. We are free to explore all our sexual desires.  We are open to the infinite possibilities of this amazing universe.  We are open to experiencing the ecstasy of being one with chaos.

You see, we were not insane after all.  We were just searching for the answer to the ultimate question – what is the purpose of life?  And some of us have found the answer.  There is no purpose.  There is only life with its infinite possibilities to be experienced through the eternity of the ever present moment.

New Year’s Resolutions

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logo_2Happy New Year.  Make no mistake.  Do not doubt.  IT WILL BE A HAPPY NEW YEAR. Shout it out. Believe it.  Every time you feel the negative side of your ego pulling you down, go into your closet, lock the door, and shout this out with all the energy you can muster:

THIS IS MY LIFE.  I AM A POWERFUL SPIRITUAL BEING. I AM IN CONTROL.  I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.

For the past two years I have set my Self (my Self deserves a capital S) three goals – one for personal growth, one for my relationship with my dearly Beloved, and one for writing.  But I do not just make New Year’s resolutions; I form intent and I dedicate the energy of my mind and soul to the process of making my goals become real.  In other words, I create my own miracles.

The first step is to analyse where I have come from, where I am now, and where I want to be.  I take this very seriously.  I review every success, I record it in my success book, and I celebrate these achievements by patting myself on the back, letting my own self-praise soak into my ego, reaffirming it as a partner in my spiritual growth.  You see, my ego is not the bad boy in my soul, it is my decision making center and it contains the energy power of my mind to set a course so that good things can happen.

The second step is to form intent. This is not a wishy-washy sort of hope; it is a process whereby I combine the mind energy from my ego with the soul energy from my heart.  And somewhere in the mix a miracle happens.  The goal becomes real, it actualizes, and the miracle begins to happen.  It starts slowly like an embryo in the first month, but as the months pass it takes shape and grows.  But it has to have a beginning, a spiritual birth based on the marriage of ego-mind and heart-soul. And how does this happen?  I make it happen.  I will it into reality.  I infuse it with the spiritual power of my being.

Next, I review and renew my intent on a daily basis.  I spend ten minutes each day just meditating, restoring my soul energy and focusing it on my own personal health and well-being in a global way, just breathing easily and renewing my connection with the source of universal energy.  By doing this I enter into the infinite source of love-power, that positive energy that can make miracles happen.  I then review my goals, note and celebrate my progress and decide what I can do today to make my love child grow. If I have had a setback, I give my Self permission to fail and have a bad day thereby removing the negative energy so that it cannot accumulate and destroy. I then reform my mind-heart intent thereby restoring the positive energy so that my energies can be applied to grow my miracles.

Believe me, it can happen.  I have had absolute miracles in my life in the past two years and I expect another set of miracles for the New Year and I plan to conceive them today. Join me.

Happy New Year

 

Revised – Oops

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logo_2OOps that did not come out right.  As a result of the lack of response on the last article, I realize my enthusiasm for man to man sex seemed to be wiped out by desire for consciousness.  Let me correct myself.  Lets do this again.  Please reread because I believe that the thoughts in the article  are important to digest on the road to understanding our bisexuality.

Thanks to a dear friend who scours the universe for me looking for precious nuggets of gold, I came across this article by Jon Rappoport[i].  Here is an excerpt:

“The word ‘art,’ across the full range of its meanings, is what happens when, from a platform of structure, a person takes off and discovers that consciousness doesn’t particularly want to wait around a railroad station looking at What Already Exists forever. Consciousness wants to invent what isn’t there.  Consciousness wants other spaces and times.”

 Bisexuality, at least the concept as presented by our society, does not exist. It is just a label and labels are dangerous, especially if we accept them unconditionally. In spiritual reality, it is only a story of our collective minds.  The key for us as flesh, blood, and soul individuals is to know that it is only a story.  This is called consciousness.

Am I a bisexual?  Yes and no.  do I enjoy sex with both and women? Yes, so I guess that makes be bisexual.  But do I fit a one-size-fits-all  definition and label? No. I have come to realize that bisexuality is just a platform, a structure, a label, a part of the story that helps me make sense of the world in which I live.  Does the label have a purpose? No, not really, not anymore.  Oh it did once, but it has fulfilled its purpose in leading me into consciousness and into the understanding of my sexual-self.  My sexuality has grown so that I no longer need labels.  I no longer have to fight to define and protect myself.  I am confident in my sexuality and in being who I am.  I don’t need it anymore.  I am conscious, which means I have transcended the label of bisexuality and integrated my complex sexuality into the I Am that is me. I do not have to wait around the railroad station for my train to come in.  It has already and I am on it.

Does that mean that I no longer desire sex with another man?  Oh, but indeed I still do. Sometimes when I am alone and feeling down, I long to engage again in that wonderful sexuality that makes me feel so alive, that makes me feel the natural power of my inner being.

However, sexuality is not just about sex.  It never was, at least not since I first masturbated at the age of fourteen.  That was when it became a story of guilt and ugliness brought on by my Catholic upbringing.  I was a sinner and as often as I went to Confession and pleaded with God to take away my source of sin, I just kept adding to the story.  Then, when I added sex with a man, and then another man, and another and another, it became a book titled “Gay” that I could not put down until it was finished; but, of course, that book has no ending.  Then when I got married and could not control my impulses, I had to defend my actions with a label and the title changed to “Bisexual”. I had to come to the point where I realized that this was not a good book, regardless of how often the title changed.  It did not make me feel good.  It was just fiction written by people who did not understand the nature of sexuality.

That’s when I became sexually conscious.  That’s when I saw that the subplot was to control me and marginalize me and put a stamp of “unworthiness” on me so they (the mythological Big Brother) could control my thoughts and actions. It also became a vehicle whereby I could justify my action, even though I was hurting other people with my dishonesty.  Then It became a place of identification where I could link myself with other men going through the same life plans.  The title became mine.  It became me.  That’s when the story ended. I now know I am not that title.  I am a free spirit with a  body that desires sex with another man and a soul that longs to be connected with a loving woman.

But you see, that’s the beauty of being conscious.  This is where living becomes an art. There are no controls.  There are no rules.  There are no lies. There is no guilt.  There is no label. There is just the white canvas, the ever present moment where we can choose to use all the colors of the rainbow.  But this pleasure is not an end in itself, pleasure leads us to more consciousness and a greater appreciation of what is whole and good.  And let me be very clear.  Sex is “good”.  Sex with a man is powerful and beautiful.  Sex with a woman is sweet and intimate. Sex is the natural expression of this wonderful body that wants to pursue what it feels as “sexual pleasure”.  It is the expression of my soul that searches for deep connection and purpose.  It is the expression of my spirit that wants to wrap itself in a blanket of joy so it can laugh at the coldness as it gets on its train to Ecstasy.

Jon Rappoport. Exit From The Matrix Beyond;  structures, beyond one space and time. November 22, 2015 [i]

Bisexuality – Reader’s Response – Brokeback Mountain

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logo_2In this reply from Robert, I have been challenged to go a little deeper into Brokeback Mountain and look at Jack and Ennis and their interactions with their wives and how it applies to me and other bisexual men. Here is what Robert has to say:

“Most wives I know wouldn’t be that proactive and assume the male role to jump start her hubby; many believe that the man should always assume that role and initiate sex and make it damned good for them and if they don’t, well, they’ll just find someone else to do the job. I don’t think women really understand what their role is in sex; it’s not just about being on the receiving end but they have to be able to motivate and encourage their man to give her his best and more so if he’s passive or has learned not to be so sexually aggressive due to past experiences …. Sex is a joint venture… but not many people really understand the dynamics involved.”

My response:

First of all, let it be clear that any bisexual man in a heterosexual relationship has that male side that is just bursting to come out.  It is there, if it wasn’t we would not be attracted to women.  We would be like most gay men I know and have absolutely no interest or even be (as a friend of mine once said) disgusted by the thought of putting our face between a woman’s legs.

And yet, I find I do need a jump start. Why? This was not always the case.  In past relationships I was expected to, and I definitely found no difficulty, to take the lead.  But things have happened.  My divorce and subsequent failed relationships have left my ego battered and bruised.  Come to think of it, it was always fragile but my the sexual drive of my younger years plowed ahead anyway.  There was a source of pleasure there that I was seeking that gave me a sense of masculinity and kept my life drive alive. So what has happened?  As I have aged and suffered, I have learned to keep my drive alive my other means, like my writing, teaching sessions, and just filling my soul with the beauty I find in the moment.  Sex with my wife is now not a drive thing or even a sense of duty,  I seek out sex as a moment of intense beauty and pleasure.  A chance to be intimate at a crazy level involving body, soul and spirit.

My wife is different. She sees sex as an essential part of her love for me.  Therefore, it is so easy to let her take the lead and let her excitement and drive take me into the pleasures of the moment.  She brings the old drive alive, and during our love making the lead shifts and am driven to seek and give the pleasure she craves. Am I less of a man? Ridiculous. Being a man has nothing to do with how often you have sex or who takes the lead.  Does it mean that she is now the man in the marriage? Of course not.  It just means that she is who she is and I am who I am.  It just means she is a ‘wow’ woman and I am so lucky to have found her.  So why should I not sit back and enjoy the drive and passion that just oozes out of her.  As Robert said in a response, “sounds like a fantastic woman”.

My advice.  Know who you are. Work with your partner, whether male or female, to see what gives them pleasure. Let them know what gives you pleasure, and then have fun meeting each other’s wants and needs.  And use your tongue and ears for more than sweet nothings.  If the wife is usually the aggressor and wants you to take the lead she should feel free to say so and vise versa. Keep that wounded ego out of the bedroom.  Tell it to shut up for once and dive right into the sensations of sexual pleasure.

Beyond Gender – Bisexuality and Christmas

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logo_2Christmas time.  Time to get out of my head, out of my bed and into my heart.  Also time to be thankful.  Glad I am Gay.  Glad I have an amazing woman to be my wife and partner.  Happy I am healthy and wise.  Happy I am deeply emotionally connected to more than ten people in my life.  Grateful I have survived the hard times so that I can appreciate the bliss and ecstasy of the present times.

So what is the connection between Christmas and Bisexuality? None really, but on the other hand, everything.  Christmas is about self-love and then releasing our love energy to love others. I am bisexual; this is an essential part of who I am.  I have finally come full circle and instead of shunning and trying to murder the gay man inside me, I have learned to embrace and love him.  He is my gift to my whole self.  He makes me care.  He makes me cry when I feel another’s pain.  He helps me love at a deeper level than my male side would ever have known.  He tells me it’s okay to be me; in fact, being me is a privileged and special existence.  He tells me that my gay sexuality is a very special part of the whole me that lets me experience emotion and life at an incredibly deep level.

My feminine gay side is a gift that helps me seek bonding as well as pleasure.  It does not just want to encounter, get off and move on, but it wants to love slow and easy and linger for the tender moments following orgasm. It has coaxed me into not being satisfied with superficial relationships but to seek out that one true bonding whether it is with a man or a woman.    It helps me seek male friendships that are intimate, where we can hug and tell each other “I love you and care for you,” without feeling shame. It lets me establish deep relationships at all levels of love from platonic to parental, to intimate.  It seeks sexual experiences that fulfill its ultimate purpose of creating bonds that hold me and the people I love together.  It has channeled me into my wife’s’ beautiful body through which I explore her beautiful soul. My feminine, gay bisexuality is my gift.  I give it first to my Self, then to the woman I am totally in love with and  bonded to,  then to the other people I  love and then to you. Here comes a warm hug.

Merry Christmas.