Category: Bisexuality and Conscious Living

The Virtue of Forgiveness and the Guilt, Blame, and Shame Game.

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“Man learns through experience, and the spiritual path is full of different kinds of experiences. He will encounter many difficulties and obstacles, and they are the very experiences he needs to encourage and complete the cleansing process,” Sai Baba[1].

The virtue of forgiveness is the act and art of cleansing the mind and the soul. After negative experiences, the mind leaves a trail  of neural pathways in the brain that form the negative feelings and emotions of fear, grief, guilt, blame, and shame. The mind is always of the alert through this subconscious anxiety, watching for triggers that can lead it back to these feelings so they can be resolved. The key is to resolve them by linking them back to the positive emotions of acceptance and forgiveness. Forgiveness is an act of love, mainly for the self but also for others.

Forgiveness is the beginning of change. “Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can’t ride you unless your back is bent,” Martin Luther King, Jr.[2] The goal of forgiveness is freedom from anxiety, freedom to live joyfully in the present, freedom to accept that we are a beautiful bisexual soul in peace with ourselves and the other important people in our lives.  So how do we actually and completely forgive? How do we rid our minds of these thoughts and feelings that may have haunted us for decades? We do not ignore and suppress the mind; we use its main function, judgement or free will, but we do it with our heart or spirit in support of the mind.

The first step in developing the virtue of forgiveness is to forgive the self. In reality there is no past or future; there is only the present.  The past only exists in our mind, so we have to use the mind to heal the mind. We simply recognize the feeling, seek the root of the feeling, and then employ judgement with compassion and understanding for our self. We accept what happened, recognize that we did our best under the circumstances, look at the positive things we have learned from the experience, and forgive ourselves. Here is where the heart comes in. Forgiveness is not a rational process but an act of love. We allow our heart or spirit to embrace the experience and then give our self a warm hug until the feeling becomes warm and peaceful. We have now established a new link to that pathway that we can choose to follow whenever a trigger has activated it. We can use our heart-based judgement in a positive sense to judge the memory and the trigger for what it is and choose to follow the positive pathway back to love of self. By repeating this process over and over again we eventually establish a strong neural pathway to self-love.

The next step is to forgive others and to allow others to forgive us. Once we have forgiven ourselves for the situation, we are free, but this important relationship is still fractured. We take the initiative and approach the other person for cleansing of the relationship. This can be difficult because of the negative bond that has been established and strengthened by powerful negative feelings from both parties. Within this negative bond there is a need for blame. Blame is an extremely powerful negative feeling that can turn from sadness to anger. In reality there is no blame. There was only a situation in which each individual did what they had to do because they felt that was the only alternative given the situation.

We can go to the person and describe our experience of self-forgiveness, thereby opening the doorway to letting them approach the situation positively. We do not accept any blame; we do not apologize, and we do not defend ourselves. We are not responsible for their feelings, and we are really no longer responsible for the events that happened.  That is all in the past.  We merely acknowledge that these things have happened and that we wish to forget the past and live in the present.  If they wish to play the name, blame and shame game, we simply take the role of an active listener.  We acknowledge and affirm their feelings but we do not share in owning them. When they have expressed their thoughts and hurts, we can reassure them of our love for them, and our desire to have a good relationship. If they choose to stay in anger and fear of the past, we can choose to walk away and let them resolve their own issues. We are now both free of the negative bond and can live in the present free of the chains of the past. We also free them from the bond and our complicity in it.

So what does this have to do with bisexuality? Here are my five points on the virtue of forgiveness:

  1. As bisexuals, we are major players in the name, blame, and shame game. I do not remember the number of times I said it is all my fault and was too ashamed to look myself in the mirror. These feeling are rooted deeply in our childhood and hold strong feelings of disappointing our parents because of our desires and behaviors. It is time to go back in the child within and give him or her a great big hug and say how proud we are of their courage to be who they were and do what they did.
  2. As bisexuals we have often started off in a heterosexual relationship and been unable to control our same-sex impulses and desires. This is natural.  This is who we are. There is no need to have shame over these desires. We recognize the shame for what it is and forgive ourselves.
  3. These desires have often led to having sexual experiences outside the relationship. This may cause us to feel extreme guilt and shame. We have to be compassionate with ourselves and recognize the powerful sources of these desires and feelings. We have to also realize that we will continue to have these desires for the rest of our lives. The key is truth and honesty. We first forgive ourselves for having these desires. They are what they are. There is no need for guilt. We have to forgive ourselves.
  4. At some point we will have to disclose our desires and actions to our heterosexual partners. We do not apologize for them or ask for forgiveness. We simply acknowledge them and the subsequent confusion and grief that may come from the partner. We become active listeners letting them ask their questions and confirming their feelings. We then focus on the relationship and see if both parties still want to maintain it and what changes that may involve. If we or the partner choose to leave the relationship, we do so expressing our love for them, wishing them the best and offering to support them in any way we can.
  5. We move on without guilt or shame. We may seek new relationships but we are always honest with potential new partners about our bisexuality showing no remorse or guilt. It is who we are and we ask the new partner to accept us just the way we are.

We remember that we are spiritual human beings, and we act and make decisions from the heart. Our sexuality is the desire of the heart to connect with people who can accept and love us just the way we are without shame, blame or guilt.

 

[1] https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth101472.html?src=t_forgiveness

 

[2] https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/martinluth121065.html

Bisexuality – and the Virtue of Acceptance

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)“We all learn lessons in life. Some stick, some don’t. I have always learned more from rejection and failure than from acceptance and success” [1]. As this quote from Henry Rollins suggests, the key to living a virtuous and happy life is to accept ourselves, unconditionally, with the ugliness of all the old scars and festering mental boils. And the best way to accept ourselves is to acknowledge and celebrate those scars and boils as trophies derived from conquering the monumental challenges we have had to face as bisexuals.

The virtue of acceptance begins with recognizing the self, or the mind or ego, as part of our divine soul that links the spiritual with the realities of this life. The role of the ego is to make sense of the past, to neutralize all the threats and negative feelings, so that we can accept the present and look forward to the future with pride and confidence. If you are feeling depressed or hopeless, or perhaps just have an empty feeling, or a belief that you are just floating through life with no meaning or purpose, do not despair; you are not alone. That is just our spirit working together with our minds or egos to urge us on to being more than just a victim of our circumstances.

Part of our growth is evaluating what we did yesterday. Sometimes, for whatever reason, we have not been able to understand and resolve some events and feelings. They may be traumatic like abuse, or rejection from a loved one, or they may just be a collection of events that build up to a feeling that the situation is hopeless. The mind or ego, by its very nature, has to take a second look at those times when we landed flat on our back with powerful negative feelings, feelings that it has never been able to resolve. It will keep visiting those events until it feels it is safe to move on. Sometimes those feelings or events are beyond the power of the mind to resolve. That gives us a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. These feeling challenge our belief in ourselves, making us feel like failures. We begin to blame ourselves for these failures which often leads to feelings of despair and self-loathing.  However we are not yet out of resources.  We can now tune into the Higher Self and the infinite power and positive energies of our spirits.

The key is to accept that our souls are made up of mind from the lower self and spirit from the higher self, and that all the struggles are in the mind. We then recognize and accept our spirit or Higher Self as a source of infinite power and wisdom. We then let the Higher Self flood our ego with self-love. We woo and seduce our ego. We tell it that we appreciate all it has tried to do. We encourage it to believe that it has done the best it could under the circumstances; in fact, it has done a great job given the scope of the situation. But we do not just stop at self-acceptance, we go beyond that to a celebration of self-appreciation and self-love.  This rewires the negative from the pain body of the ego into positive powers of love from the spirit and changes the circuitry of the brain. It allows the mind to use the new circuits to get off the old negative spinning wheel and create a new set of positive circuits. It can now prune those old axons and dendrites and forge new axons to new positive feelings and beliefs. In the process of acceptance we open up a new world where old thoughts and feeling begin to make sense thereby increasing our understanding and appreciation of life. We are now ready to move on to the next stage of our lives with increased understanding and power.

Now how does this apply to bisexuality? Here are my five steps to living a victorious bisexual life through the virtue of acceptance:

  1. We recognize and accept our bisexual orientation without judgement. We are what we are. Through a combination of genetic predispositions and natal and early life experiences, we now have a body and brain that desires sexual connection with both males and females.  Without engaging in judgement and old thinking patterns we simply accept the fact that our body has these longings and desires. We thank our body for all the pleasures it provides including our ability to enjoy sensuous experiences more intensely from both sides of life.
  2. We recognize and accept the struggles of our egos to balance our bisexual desires with the longing for acceptance and approval from others. We realize the depths of these conflicts but we also recognize the need to be true to ourselves and the desires of our bodies and souls. We accept that the feelings of rejection and confusion are natural under the circumstances. We then make a conscious ego-based decision to move on.
  3. We also recognize and accept that we are more than just a combination of body and mind. We reach out to the higher self and invite it into our minds and bodies. We realize that the spirit accepts our bisexuality.  It has no desire to judge, condemn or change us. It just wants to use this part of us to reach a deeper understanding life and to forge new or deeper connections with others. We then silently, and without thought, entrust the spirit to do its work. It will flood our souls with love and self-acceptance. We stay there grounded in this new reality until the spirit begins the process of forging a new beginning through the rewiring and changing of the mind. We will experience this as a feeling of contentment and divine acceptance and peace.
  4.  We make plans to daily check if we are still experiencing contentment and peace and then invite the spirit to infuse the soul with the power of self-love. However, we recognize and accept that the bisexual struggle is not yet over and will never be completely resolved in the mind. Those old components of the circuits made up of wounds, feelings, and memories will always be a part of us. The triggers from our environment will always have the power to reconnect all these old circuits of pain. When flashbacks occur we consciously understand and accept that the ego is perceiving a threat from something that is happening in the present. We thank the ego for its diligence and willingness in bringing it to our conscious mind which is under the influence of the spirit. We then resolve the issue from a spiritual perspective of wisdom and power and consciously invite the spirit to bathe the situation with self-love and love for others and move us on.
  5. We recognize and accept that life is a journey towards spiritual Self Actualization and that our bisexuality is not a hindrance but an advantage in understanding the complexities of life. We then bring this gift to others.

[1] Rollins, Henry: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/h/henryrolli616896.html

Discernment and Surviving and Thriving in a Hostile World

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

How can we fit into a world that basically fears us and what we stand for? It’s not easy, but once we master the virtue of discernment, we can actually enjoy living in the chaos. Once we understand our own story and how we use that story to survive, we can begin to understand that everyone else is living in their own illusions and fears. It is basically fear that runs the individual, the group, and society as a whole.

We can begin by going top down; that means starting with society as a whole. Society is composed of  group stories and fears resulting in a group mind-set designed to desperately hold onto the status quo. To maintain the status quo, society depends on control and power exercised through the institutions of family, church, education, the media, and the government. When being gay or bisexual threatens these basic structures of society we can expect a negative reaction. Fear will turn to anger and hate for anyone that threatens that security. Because hate has now been stifled by popular opinion, it has gone underground and resurfaced in inappropriate humor, indifference, or even pity, all of which contribute to our feelings of isolation and helplessness. We are even willing to accept the label of “queer” out of defiance and misplaced pride.

The gay movement however has made huge inroads in the basic institutions, to the point where the external fight appears to be basically over. Most families have accepted their gay children, most of the churches have welcomed us back into their folds, the media is trying to exorcise its demons by giving us special treatment, and the laws have been changed. But the power struggle has gone underground. The suicide and depression rates are actually increasing.  We have won the right to marry but our divorce rates for lesbians (gay men seem to do better than heterosexuals but there is some controversy about the results)  are twice that of the heterosexual population[1].  We are still suffering from extreme loneliness and many (and perhaps most) of us feel or have felt some degree of helplessness and hopelessness. Why?

I think it is probably because we are being tolerated and not really accepted by society. The fear often turns to indifference and even pity, both of which tend to make us feel isolated and misunderstood. This includes those we love the most.  Our loved ones tend to avoid the issue of our gay side or they question us as if they are trying desperately and unsuccessfully to understand our behavior. The uneasiness, intricate voice tones, and the body language that we perceive subconsciously is wearing us down. In one article I read, our mental-emotional state is being compared to soldiers who are suffering from PTSD.  Subconsciously we are in a battle for survival. It is not one big trauma but a lifetime of small traumas that have worn us down. We are constantly receiving negative vibrations from our heterosexual friends and family, and even from our own tortured gay companions. These vibrations wear on our nervous systems until we crash.

The key then is to use the power of discernment to become aware of these negative feelings and vibrations coming from others and take immediate measures to counter balance them with positive vibrations from our higher self.

Here are my five steps on discernment for bisexuals and the process of turning the struggle to survive into the joy of thriving:

  1. First, we must realize that we are bisexual, that part of us is gay or lesbian and we must be aware of the struggles that go with it. That means we take time to build up our self-image and self-esteem before going to work, or church, or visiting members of our family. We have to be 100% sure that we are indeed beautiful and wonderful spiritual human beings. This provides a constant flow of positive energy that can balance the negative energy coming our way from the people who are important in our lives.
  2. We seek those who are like-minded and like-souled for intimate partnerships. This can be a heterosexual, gay, or bisexual soul mate. It can be sexual or nonsexual, but it has to be within the higher self, beyond the urges of the body and the sorrows of the ego. If we have a heterosexual partner, we have to understand they may be struggling to understand and accept us just the way we are. We have to be patient with their struggles and realize they are trying to settle some of their subconscious fears. We respond gently and lovingly. Sometimes we or they may break down because of the triggers that may reopen old woulds. We have to accept that these will happen and that they are an opportunity to heal and even to go deeper in the relationship.
  3. We must understand that our sexuality makes us different, and because we are different, the straight population will experience some degree of uneasiness when we are around them or their children.  We must understand that their uneasiness is based on fear and is subconsciously a threat to their beliefs and mindset, and therefore to their ego’s sense of survival. We must recognize their struggle and conflict of beliefs and emotions. We accept the uneasiness and try to eliminate the fears. We send our positive energy to them in the form of love to balance the negative energy of fear. We continue our relationships and perhaps even increase the time we spend with them. We use the time to naturally express our own feelings and encourage them to express and unconditionally accept theirs, while maintaining the positive flow of love energy from the higher self. Eventually the fears will break down allowing genuine bonds to be formed.
  4. We avoid all forms of hate. HATE IS A BARRIER TO LOVE. We never allow our own fears to become anger or hate. When we experience hate (or other negative emotions) from others, we try to respond positively. Christ frequently talks about loving our enemies and doing good to those who abuse us. That does not mean we accept their hate. We simply acknowledge it in our higher self, recognize it is based on fear, confront it gently, thus providing a seed of love, and then immediately remove ourselves from these powerful negative vibrations.
  5. With these foundations of security in place, we can try to reach out and make a difference in our world,  to change society one small step at a time in our own way. It can be a blog or a poem, sitting on a board, volunteering for a compassionate cause, or even being president of the United States. But is has to be done in love, bursting from a full heart that longs to share, balance, and change the world through powerful positive vibrations of love from the core of our higher selves.

[1] Schwartz, Ruth. Why Do Lesbians Have Higher Divorce Rates Than Anyone Else? (https://consciousgirlfriend.com/lesbians-higher-divorce-rates-everyone-else/)

Discernment – A True Story

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)The hardest part about discernment is being able to discern between the truth and the fiction coming from our own minds. In reality, every thought is grounded in a story and as such is more like a fiction novel rather than a reality show.  Animals are so lucky.  They mainly live in the moment through instinctual reactions to their senses.  They have some memory, particularly for smells, faces, and some rudimentary signs, but they simply respond according to their instincts. They do not have to evaluate and judge before making a decision.

We humans create neural pathways in our amazing cerebral cortex, linking sensory concepts into thoughts, memories, and emotions. It enables us to make decisions based on past experiences and gives us the power and energy to react accordingly. It helps us adapt to our surroundings in such a magnificent way that even though we are perhaps the weakest species, we have become the creatures at the top of the food chain. This has been a good thing for surviving and avoiding saber-toothed tigers, but too much of a good think can become a bad thing, and perhaps even a curse.

We humans have a control center in the frontal cortex that we can refer to as the administration center, the mind, or the ego. It is this part of our brain that builds our own interpretation and perception of reality, leading to the creation of a gestalt or mind set. This becomes our life story based on a collection of stories that we can refer to as beliefs, attitudes and values. All our thoughts are then grounded in our life story, and we then react, judge and make decisions according to the story. Now this gift is great for avoiding saber-tooth tigers, but it becomes a never ending circle of thought, emotion, and pain when applied to avoiding personal and psychological problems. As twenty-first century humans, we may live in the moment, but every thought is influenced by the pains of the past and the fears for the future.

The key to discernment then is to become aware or conscious of the story and its role in governing our minds or thoughts. In a sense, we are no better than the animals in that we automatically respond through our instincts, except our instincts are governed by our thoughts, a process designed to avoid danger and insure success in the hunt. Because we live in a complex society with complex relationships and feelings, the mind is forever on the alert, always judging and deciding the best route to avoid danger, and forging the best path to becoming alphas in our pack. Because of the immense anxieties related to our new roles, we have lost the ability to act and adapt. We are stuck in the circle of thought; we are living in an on-going fiction novel. We no longer have the ability to perceive reality naturally, let go of the mind, and just experience life through our senses. We now have to find ways to do this consciously while avoiding the saber-tooth tigers in our minds.

And the only way we can do this is through the powers of discernment. In order to live contented and peaceful lives we have to develop the skill of stopping the insanity of the never ending story. To do this we simply stop the mind and open up all our senses without judgement or the need to react.  We just let ourselves relax into the moment. Only then do we begin to perceive reality.  Only then do we begin to see ourselves as beautiful creatures endowed with tremendous physical, mental, and spiritual beauty. Only then are we able to decipher between the chaos of the story and the order and peace of reality, and only then are we able to judge and make decisions based on this true reality.

So what does this have to do with bisexuality? Here are my five points on discerning between reality and the stories of the ego:

  1. As bisexuals, we have developed a very complex story in order to survive. In this story we have judged ourselves to be weak and unworthy so that we do not have to compete. Stop the story. Whenever you hear the cues like, “I will never be good enough”, or, “it’s no use”, or, “it’s all my fault”, stop the story immediately, recognize the belief or lie and then state the true reality: “I am a magnificent human being”, “I am always good enough”, “I can do anything worth doing”, “there is no fault, there is only trial, error, and the accumulation of knowledge and wisdom”.
  2. We have to see and understand the reality of our sexuality. It is merely a biological process of copulation and reproduction, and yes, if we take our cues from the animal kingdom, that includes same sex attraction. But we have made it part of our story. We have created theories of orientation and gender. Stop it. We don’t need it and if we employ the powers of discernment we will come to the conclusion that we don’t want it. It robs us of our ability to be spontaneous and to enjoy the wonderful senses associated with sex and relationship.
  3. Part of our biological process is to become alpha so that we pass on our superior genes to the next generation. In our bisexual stories, we have subconsciously come to the conclusion that we cannot compete, and we rely on same sex association and expression because it is safer; there are no alphas, just us “queers”. Therefore, we have become a society of weaklings, no competition within mainstream society. Oh yes, we indulge our victim stories and rant and rave forcibly against the injustices of this world, but on the inside we don’t perceive ourselves as part of the same human race. That is oh so far from the truth. We are the alphas. We are the ones who can see both sides of the equation. We are the ones with the answers. We are the ones with the genes that need to be passed on to the next generation if this species is to survive. We need to engage and enjoy the opposite sex relationships as masters of bisexuality and not slaves to our same-sex passions.
  4. We have to recognize that we are after all humans and that our minds or egos are amazing evolutionary creations. We do not destroy the story; we simply rebuild it. We create a new story, and in the process, we use discernment to acknowledge that we are, in fact, building a story. But we build a good story with checks and balances. You might say “We Trump” (sorry, could not resist the pun) the aggression and false beliefs before the cards are even played. We need time to do this. I like the mornings. I get into a state of contemplation, not meditation, contemplation. I simply review my action of the previous day and challenge the motives of my ego which may have got the better of me the previous day. I then set out to consciously be in control of my life and to set a new course for the new day.
  5. And finally, enjoy! The purpose of life is to enjoy. To be spontaneous. To shut down the control center, to step outside the story and just respond to the beauty of the energy around me, and the beauties of the people I so dearly love. I set out to deliberately live and experience through my soul, not my mind. I recognize and respect my story and my ego but only allow it to function on a need to know basis. In other words I control it; it does not control me. Now go out and master and enjoy the day. You deserve it.

The Virtue of Awareness In Full Blossom

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img_1394-1The journey to awareness will reach its final destination when we are aware of just how connected we are to life itself and to the universal presence of life.

 

Awareness

Dawn breaks;

The Eastern light brings peace

With the soft touch of wonder.

As the sensation intensifies,

I can see the fine lines of life

All held together by sweet silver threads,

That surround me,

Entrapping me in a web of joy.

And I laugh,

At first gently,

Then deep from the bowels of my being,

At all the confusion and pain

Manufactured by my tired mind.

And I laugh at the lack of knowing,

Because the search for knowledge,

Only leads to more questions,

While I can sit her laughing hysterically,

Because I know I have all the answers.

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Discernment

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)So how do we know? How do we sort through all the data coming in and all the thoughts and judgments going out? How do we discern what is real and what is just what we want to believe? How do we answer the big questions that can help us break through to a life of peace and joy? Is there a God? Is there any meaning and purpose to life? Am I gay or bisexual or just a lost soul searching for intimacy?

Linda Popov in her book, A Pace of Grace, says this about the art and virtue of discernment:

“Discernment is quieting our minds and sensing the truth about things. It is being contemplative and vigilant in seeking to understand what is true.  We are able to make distinctions between what is real and what is illusion…. We trust our inner vision to recognize what is right for us in this moment. We observe, decide, and act with wisdom.”[1]

Before we get started on this, remember that in order for an idea or ideal to become a virtue, it takes a lot of hard work. We have to practice, practice, and practice until it becomes natural, until it becomes a way of life. So let’s look at how to do this from three perspectives: recognizing the inner voice from the higher self, understanding the difference between the voice of the ego or mind and the voice of the higher self, and recognizing and understanding the other voices around us, and let’s practice using the virtue of discernment to accomplish this. We will do this in three blogs, starting this week with recognizing the voice of the higher self and how this applies to bisexuality.

First of all, how do we recognize the inner voice and how can we be sure this is not just another illusion from the mind? Regarding the latter, you may never know for sure that the higher self even exists. Bummer eh? Not really, you see there is a caveat on that. The reason we can never know for certain is that we are trying to find something that does exist but cannot be recognized through rational mind processes, so the mind will always be in doubt and will want to take over to protect us from believing or doing something that it regards as dangerous or foolish. So how can we get past that? We hush the mind. The very fact that we can consciously hush the mind proves in itself that there is a higher self.

Once in this state that we can call mindfulness, the inner truth from the inner self will begin to appear. We will simply become aware of our self as part of a world of peace and beauty. Do we have to meditate to do this? Not really. For many it is a good and sound practice, but it is not for everyone. Personally,  I get into my higher self not by stillness but by engaging, by walking and feeling, by staring at a thing of beauty until a feeling of oneness and peace flows through my brain and body, or by engaging my body, rather than my mind, in walking or working in  my garden. This can only happen when I am alone or sharing moments with a special someone without talk or mental interaction.

The next step is simply to listen without engaging in rational thought. For example, when I am opening my soul to the sounds of the forest, I do not try to name or describe what I hear, I just experience it. Same thing applies to my inner voice.  I do not question it or judge it, I just open my whole self to listen. The inner voice is never judging, never striving or conniving.  It always reminds me of how beautiful I am and how precious I am as a source of goodness in this chaotic world. It is as though the inner-self is in communication with the universe, or perhaps, even the person of a sentient god that is imparting the wisdom of the ages to me simply because I am still and seeking guidance. Perhaps it is just from the higher self, itself, that intuitively knows what is best for me. Again,  we do not engage in this mental gymnastics; we simply accept the sensations and the feelings that accompany those sensations.

The third step is to open up the ego-mind and ask the higher self to impart words of wisdom. We simply allow the ego mind to express its fears and concerns and listen to whatever wisdom the higher self wants to impart. We can then allow the ego-mind to specifically ask for wisdom in dealing with a particular situation as long as it sits back and listens without interruption or judgement. The inner voice of the higher self will always speak to us, and the message will always be positive showing insight and a broader understanding of the meaning and purpose behind the circumstances.  We can allow the ego-mind to keep questioning and listening until we feel comfortable with the words  of wisdom from the higher self. We then direct the ego to accept the wisdom and make plans for putting this wisdom into action.

Here are my five thoughts on how the virtue of discernment applies to bisexuality:

  1. Because we are so self-judging, believing ourselves to be unworthy, and blaming ourselves for being unlovable, it can be difficult to accept a higher self that regards us as beautiful and superior beings. We simply recognize the thought and say “I am worthy. I am beautiful.” Then relax again practicing deep breathing until we can open ourselves up to our higher self.
  2. Because we have always focused on imperfections and what we have judged as faults and failures, we may have to seek healing from our higher self or perhaps the great love energy of god or the universe. To do this we open up our ego to express its fears, and then we turn to our higher self and ask it to give us the truth from its higher view of things. It will never judge our ego and will always show us that our actions were a result of the pains of the past and that we have done the best we could under the circumstances. It will then show us the path to self-acceptance and a higher course of action.
  3. As bisexuals, most of us have suffered from some sort of generalized anxiety, and we have always been able to find a sense of peace, or perhaps just plain exhaustion, by engaging in sexual experiences. As a result, it may have become a kind of addiction, a source of relief from the anxiety, and of course, we are reluctant to give it up. Therefore, we have a tendency to avoid the higher self, because we fear that we may have to change our behavior patterns, and we simply do not think we have the energy to try  again. Guess what? Surprise! The higher self will never condemn or blame and will never ask us to give up our sexual practices.  It will simply show us how to incorporate those practices into a more positive experience in tune with its sense of, deeper meaning, beauty, and joy.
  4. By going through this process we inevitable come to a point where we can view our sexual practices as a means to achieving intense sensations that lead to intense feelings, that lead to love of our bodies, and to experiencing all the joys it can share with us.
  5. Finally it will always lead us through sexuality into the deeper experiences of intimacy. The higher self wants to join the body in experiencing love in all its forms and to bring the body, mind and soul into intimate connection with others.

 

[1] Popov, Linda Kavelin. A Pace of Grace. Plume: 2004 (page 62).

Valentine’s Day and the Virtue of Awareness

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img_1394-1Awareness is an act of love, first for the self and then for the special person in our lives. One of the best words of wisdom I have garnered over the years is: “do yourself a favor, love your wife.”  Speaking to all the men out there, and this also applies to women, this is the best investment you will ever make. Whatever you give will come back to you a hundred fold. As humans we need to not only be loved but to feel loved.  Acts of love turn us on, not just sexually, but our entire reward and drive systems are activated.  This is the virtue of joy. This is where awareness comes in.  We should live in constant awareness (not just on Valentine’s Day) of the beauty and virtues of our partner, not only consciously, but especially through our feelings, thoughts and actions. Continuous acts and words of love between us and our partners gives us a window by which we have an opportunity to live in constant joy. When we are in the state of bliss it demands that we give back even more than we receive. Love grows.

Happy Valentine’s and Engagement Day

(We got engaged on Valentine’s Day)

 

You are the sunshine that breaks the gloom of a cold cloudy day,

The reason to get up in the morning after a long sleepless night.

You bring warm sunshine to a cold heart with your beautiful smile,

You bring a cozy feeling that says everything will be all right.

 

You are the reason and the fulfillment of a young man’s romance.

You are the juice that transforms an old man into an innocent boy.

You are the power to conquer all the weaknesses that come my way.

That are the source of love that fills another year with contentment and joy.

 

You are the unmoving rock that anchors my boat in the storm.

You are the warm breeze that continually blows good things my way.

You are the beginning and the end of all my good thoughts and desires.

You are the perfect beginning and the perfect end to an imperfect day.

Bisexuality and the Virtue of Awareness.

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)

Awareness is the state or condition of being aware; having knowledge and consciousness.  But awareness can only become a virtue when you don’t just understand it, but you live it. In my opinion, there are three levels of awareness: mindfulness, the acceptance and immersion in the higher self, and the awareness of the day to day pleasures of living. As bisexuals the concept of awareness can take on a whole new meaning.

The first level of awareness is mindfulness.  In my view, it is simply closing down the mind and opening up our souls to all the sensations around us.  It is focusing on the beauties of this world. It can be a walk along the ocean shore with the pungent scent of the salty air or a walk through an old growth forest with the beauty of light filtering down through the maples. It can be the sound of my bird friends singing their hearts out about the joy of living. Mindfulness is immersing my soul in the sweet energies of nature, shutting down the noise of this world, and ignoring the negative energy of my negative thoughts.

The second stage is to become aware of the inner or the higher self.  I am the presence in all the things of beauty. My soul is interacting with all the sweet sensations that surround me. Once in this state of self-awareness, I can feel the surge of positive energy flow through my being. I understand just how beautiful and powerful I am.  I truly understand that there are no limitations on how much I can experience.  I interact with nature and other human beings with an incredible exchange of energy and being.

The third stage is to bring this energy and presence into my everyday life where I can meet each new situation free of anxiety and fear.  I can just be and let things happen around me knowing that all things can lead to joy and personal growth. There are no problems, only opportunities.  There is always choice and I can choose to indulge or walk away.

Now how does this apply to bisexuality?  We are truly blessed on several levels. Here are my five points on awareness and bisexuality:

  1. First, because of the nature of our struggles, we have been compelled to search for our true sexual nature. This gives us the opportunity to become more aware as we search for the universal truths that surround us. This search will either lead to ruin or to a newer level of self-actualization.
  2. In this search, we will come to the understanding that our bisexual gender issues are not part of that reality; they are merely a role that we have slipped into because of the pressures of our families and culture. Once we come to this realization, we can then become aware that our whole life is full of roles that we play. Once we are aware of that we can choose to play the role or to develop our own patterns of living.
  3. The third point is that we really do have a different nature than everyone else. You can refer to it as two spirits in the sense that we have a masculine and a feminine soul, not just sexually, but all the gender qualities that go with it. But in reality, it is only one spirit that combines the whole spectrum of masculine and feminine virtues.
  4. The fourth is our sexual response to life. As bisexuals we can enjoy tremendous sexual energy that we can use to form intimate connection with men and women. We can indulge our feminine personas when we are with a man and our masculine when we are with a woman. We can go beyond the sexual role play and enter into true intimacy where we share not only our bodies but our minds and souls. We are free to choose to do this with one special individual or we can seek connection with whomever we choose.
  5. As bisexuals we have an opportunity to share this tremendous life energy with those around us. We can open our souls to others so that the divine energy, the full energy or a complete human being, can flow to those around us and bless them. This energy is always reciprocal – the more you give the more you get in return.

 

The Virtue of Truth vs Reality

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SHIRT & TIE [small] (final)How does one know and understand reality when all thoughts and decisions are governed by cultural influences? Reality involves the sensations that become perceptions as they are initially processed by the old brain. Then reality becomes a personal interpretation as the messages are sent on to the frontal cortex for second appraisal before action takes place. The old brain functions on instinct, including survival and reproduction. The reality is that every fully intact human being is capable of and tuned into being part of reproduction and the survival of the species. The sex part is biological and in a sense the reality, the gender part is very much what we make it. Therefore, truth is relevant to our perceptions and desires.We each have our own personal version of truth.

Is there a gay gene? Maybe, but probably not. Is there a genetic predisposition to being gay or lesbian? Definitely, but for bisexuals these predispositions seem to involve being more sensitive and vulnerable to circumstances in our environment which in turn leads us to engaging in a variety of sexual practices. We do not seem to bond well and therefore lack the system of controls that most people have.

One of the more fascinating studies on bonding and attraction was a study by Scheele et al[1] in which bonded males tended to avoid contact with attractive females under the influence of a nasal oxytocin spray,  whereas unattached males experienced greater attraction.  So what does this have to do with bisexuality?  It would suggest, at least to me, that bonding,   sexual attraction, and gender choice have to do with the presence of oxytocin. By far the majority of children are born with a oxytocin-based bonding process directed towards a person of the opposite sex so that normal reproduction can take place and the human race can be saved one more time. At some point in human development, perhaps even in the womb, the fetus or child forms a bond with the mother that results in the oxytocin mechanism being formed. So what happens if there is no bond, if the mother is experiencing extreme anxiety and is perhaps under the influence of the anxiety/survival masculine hormone of testosterone? Could this perhaps leave the gay male fetus with the need for a male bond or the lesbian fetus with the need for a female bond? Could it be that the bisexual is left without a definite bond for either male or female, and therefore open to attraction with whomever provides excitement and comfort? This, I believe could be the basis of the gay, lesbian or bisexual predisposition. For gays and lesbians they are seeking bonding with same sex partners but what about the bisexual?

When it comes to making decisions, the administration center of the frontal cortex becomes engaged in trying to sort out this sorry mess, leading to inconsistencies and confusion.  There is no strong definite message about attraction and seeking or preserving the partner bond, because the oxytocin urge defined by predisposition and bonding simply is not there. The bisexual does not have an oxytocin bond with his or her mate so has no inhibition or aversion to sexual contact with another individual.  Because there is no genetic same-sex-aversion oxytocin sensation, the bisexual is open to experiencing sexual pleasure with either males or females without any need or desire to bond.  This usually involves a ego or soul based desire to be faithful in a relationship with a psychological aversion to people of the same sex as the partner, and therefore, a feeling that it is okay to engage with sexual activities with the  sex different from the partner and still maintain a warped sense of being faithful. The drive is strictly pleasure based with a smattering of guilt and shame.  At his point it is simply a choice and the admin center makes the decisions based on the information available including the desire for pleasure from the body and the need for maintaining relationships and positions in society from the ego. Most of the time it is no contest – we choose pleasure.

So what has this got to do with Truthfulness? Simply put, we bisexuals have our own version of truth.  We are not bound by biological aversion controls. We are free to make our decision based on our desire, our need for sexual intimacy, and the cultural desire to please and be faithful to a partner.  The mind and body usually fight over the decisions on what is the greater need and the body often wins this argument with the mind. So where does this leave us in regards to truthfulness?

  1. First and foremost we have to be true to ourselves and recognize that these needs are often overpowering and we have no biological control mechanisms to make the decisions for us.
  2. We have to be conscious of our desires and why we have them. If we are going to be true to ourselves, we have to honor the cravings of our bodies. If our bodies absolutely need the excitement and comfort of these relationships, we have to create a life where these impulses are honored.
  3. If we have a need to create a mentally constructed relationship rather than a bonded relationship with one individual then we should do so. For us bisexuals we have to make a conscious decision on why we want to spend our lives with this person and not just rely on the non-existent bonding biological systems.
  4. We have to realize that our attraction for our partner is not biological bond-based and therefore will vary over time. However, our partner (unless they are bisexual) will have formed a biological oxytocin bond with us and will continue to experience strong sexual attraction for us and will be very uncomfortable with our situation based attraction for them. We have to consciously maintain our levels of attraction for them to accommodate their needs.
  5. We also have to realize that they are bonded to us and have an aversion for relationships with others. They will find it very difficult to understand why we do not respond in like manner.  In other words we have to continuously work on meeting their needs for attraction and security within what is to them a bonded relationship.

[1] Scheele D., Striepens N., Gunturkun O., Deutschlander S., Maier W., Kendrick K., and Hurlemann R.. Oxytocin Modulates Social Distance between Males and Females. Journal of Neuroscience 14 November 2012, 32 (46) 16074-16079; DOI: https://doi.org/10.1523/JNEUROSCI.2755-12.2012

 

Bisexuality, Truth, and Forgiveness

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When seeking the virtue of truth, the most important piece of truth we can discover is that we have always done our best. Given the circumstances of our lives, given the fact that we have powerful sexual drives that demand to be heard, given the fact that we have to balance our desires with our relationships, we have to accept the fact that we did the best we could under the circumstances. There is no need for guilt, there is no need for shame.

I finally have reached this level of consciousness where I not only mouth the words, but I actually accept and believe that I am a good human being. One hot summer afternoon as I did my daily journey through the deserts of Arizona, I finally understood self forgiveness and its effect on self-love.  I was finally free to leave my desert. There was no blame, no shame, no need for guilt. All just was. I was finally free to accept the whole and comforting meaning of forgiveness. I was free to forgive myself for all the mistakes I had made, for all the wrong I had done, for all the wrongs that had been done to me. I was free to return to the world of warm moist winds and rich green life.

 

Ode to the Tree

Forgiveness comes like an October snowfall,

That quietly settles, one flake at a time, on the dead grass,

Covering the barren ground with pure soft white crystals,

A cool white shroud on summer’s passionate past.

 

Feelings fall forgotten like frail dead leaves

Without purpose and life beneath the white;

They are discarded bits of vanity and vitality,

Having fulfilled their purpose on the tree of life.

Yet, I remain in my state of shock like the tree,

Stripped of its drive, purpose, and ability to grow,

Thrusting my life blood back down into my roots,

Away from the cold November winds that blow.

 

But I still live, and I still feel, and I can still dream.

I know that those discarded feelings beneath the pain,

In time shall break down and nurture growth, new life,

When the warm spring sun shines overhead again.

And those feelings like last years living leaves

Have contributed their substances to make me strong;

Their scars have become next year’s branching points,

New life made ready for a new season with a new song.