Okay.  Enough is enough.  No more science, no more discussion, no more surveys.  Sex is just plain sex and I love it.  Always have and always will – until the day I die – I hope. When you peal away all the research and all the opinions given my learned folk, when it comes down to it, it is all just talk.  So what is reality?  Probably different is some way for each of us as our realities are based on on perceptions and the story we create within our brains. So let me give you my version of reality.

I am bisexual.  That means I enjoy sexual relationships with men and women.  Period. So I refuse to accept a label (except for the purpose of hashtags for my blog). I refuse to define myself (except when someone, especially my wife, wants to know what makes me tick). When I am in my own little world, with my own thoughts and feelings, I just do not give a damn about opinions and labels.  Sex is sex and it is a big part of my life.  It gets my body all charged up and ready to take on the day.  It gets my brain chemistry all straightened out and ready to solve all the problems of the world.  It gets my soul centered in my prime chakra so that I can feel the pulse of the universe.  It gets my spirit flying to the place where eternity begins and never ends. Sex makes me feel one with the body and soul of my dear beloved.  Sex (even if it is just sexual tease talk) makes me feel connected with my best friend and fellow bisexual Mr. L.. Sex keeps this old bod and brain alive and is a big part of the love I feel for others.

Are all men attracted to both males and females? Of course not.  Are all women attracted to both males and females?  Of course not.  Are we all bisexual? Of course not.  Is bisexuality in the body or the brain or perhaps the mind?  Who cares.  I am what I am, and I am bisexual.

The Androgynous Bisexual mind

“And I went on amateurishly to sketch a plan of the soul so that in each of us two powers preside, one male, one female; and in the man’s brain the man predominates over the woman, and in the woman’s brain the woman predominates over the man. The normal and comfortable state of being is that when the two live in harmony together, spiritually co-operating. If one is a man, still the woman part of his brain must have effect; and a woman also must have intercourse with the man in her.” (Virginia Wolf, A Room of One’s Own)

This quote from a truly creative and remarkable woman applies to all but more-so to bisexual men.  The ego/mind side of our souls is truly androgynous, both male and female.  One hand it leads to some of the most complex conflicts known to man but the other it provides an opportunity for a truly creative and mindful life.

Having an androgynous soul goes beyond being bisexual.  Yes, there is the tendency to be attracted to males when we are in our female mind and females when we are in our male mind but the two do not really operate separately unless we are in conflict.  When we are in harmony within our self we tend to operate holistically being able to enjoy sexual intimacy as well as sexual pleasure with both men and women. But more of that in another blog as that tend to focus more on the drives of our bodies, for the rest of this blog let’s focus on what it means to have a bisexual androgynous soul.

Of course it will be different for everyone as our soul prints are as different as our finger prints. For me it is crying in a Walt Disney movie when the pet dies, or feeling a wave of compassion flow through my mind and body when something beautiful touches my soul, or standing on the edge of the Pacific and feeling the force of the waves break upon the rocks at my feet.  It is feeling the power of male mind slip into that quite place and experience my male body climbing a rock face.  It is holding my newborn baby in my hands and understanding that we are a physical and spiritual part of each other.  It is lying with my sweetheart and running my fingers over her soft female body and know the physical and spiritual intimacy that we can share after orgasm. It is letting go of my male mind and feeling the drive and power of my male lover while I slip into the sensuous mindlessness of sexual pleasure from my female hormone driven body.  It is being male free to take charge of my world and go wherever I want to go without fear.  It is settling into my female soul and submitting to the sensation of being one with someone and with the creative powers of the universal spirit.

This is a wonderful journey full of surprises and depths of feeling and pleasure that I am still learning to explore and enjoy.

Beyond Gender

When we look at the question of honesty and being true to ourselves and others the question goes beyond bisexuality, beyond gender.  The question boils right down to what we really are as human beings. In his look at animal sexuality,The Natural History of Sex, Adrian Forsyth reduces human sexuality to the animal level.  Are we human animals with ingrained patterns of sexual behavior? Yes, I think so, but I think we are more than that.

According to Forsyth, bisexuality performs a function in the preservation of the species. Bisexual garter snakes  accept male attention to distract other males from propagating with the females while they gain the advantage of proximity to get the job done themselves.  In the case of bedbugs the aggressive males plant their genes into a host male who later adds them to his own genes and passes them on while mating.  There is also data that shows how aggressive male mammals shut out less aggressive males from the mating process thereby gaining the advantage of impregnating more females so that their genes will dominate the new generations. So what does that mean?  Are we just weak members of society who lack aggressiveness and the genetic qualities to benefit the race?  Are we being marginalized by more aggressive males so that their genes will pass on to the next generation and our genes will disappear out of the gene pool?

Hardly. There then must be other factors at play that are beyond the survival and therefore the biological animal reasons for bisexuality.  In other words, gay and bisexual men do not fit the biological patterns.  Which seems to suggest that we operate more on the mental-emotional level than on the purely biological/physical. In other words we create the changes in the brain through neural plasticity rather that the brain creates changes in us. And how do we do this?  Through the power of the mind.  In other words we are gay or bisexual because of our desires.  No not “choice” – that desire was created by our interaction with the environment during infancy or perhaps right back into the womb.

There has been some fascinating research lately about the role of particles within the cell that affect the role of recessive genes.  Apparently these particles react to environmental changes and influence the genes so that the recessive gene becomes dominant or perhaps even co-dominant.  This can result in changes in the brain patterns or even the hormonal capacity such as reaction to pheromones or hundreds of other possibilities. that can combine to create a biological predisposition towards same-sex attraction.  It would appear that the human mind, influenced particularly by the more powerful mind of the mother during pregnancy and infancy creates changes to the genetic structure of fetus and child.  Can these patterns be changed?  Maybe, but not without a lot of traumatic effect.   The questions then is “Why change?” It is much easier to learn to live with the genetic patters we already have.

But intimacy in more than bliss; it is also a working platform where lovers meet to grow and evolve as souls. While we are on this earth, there will be moments, days, and sometimes even weeks where we forget who we are. In my view, intimacy is this spiritual platform by which two lovers can reach the place where they know that it is safe to share the deepest feelings and fears of their souls. They are free to express their deepest emotions knowing that their lover will not hear their words of anger or despair,but will welcome the expression of an inner pain that needs to be spoken, processed and let go.

A bisexual man in a gay relationship may experience problems in this area.  As we have seen earlier, pillow talk after orgasm is a key way to increase bonding and to communicate thoughts and feelings. This.seems to come naturally for women but not for men. In a heterosexual relationship the man usually follows the woman’s lead; however, in a gay relationship both partners need to make a conscious effort to make this happen.  Bonding and communication are the keys to intimacy.

I have come to the conclusion that we can only truly see our Self through the eyes of another, through the eyes of someone who truly loves us at a soul to soul and heart to heart level. Intimacy reminds us that our beloved has an eternal soul that is beautiful, powerful, and caring; in the process, we can come to realize that our own soul is beautiful, powerful and caring. Sometimes we cannot get there by ourselves; we need help. I believe it is the role as the conscious beloved to mirror and reflect back to the unconscious beloved who they really are and who they want to be. Through this sense of intimacy, they can return to the state of consciousness where they both come to appreciate the tangible reality of their love for each other in thought, word, and deed.

Consciousness, Awareness and Intimacy

In the spiritual dimension, there is no gender; there is only intimacy. When we truly are committed to another and love them passionately we enter into the playground of intimacy. Intimacy can be sexual but it is really not about sex, it is about sharing your heart-soul with another human being.  We can be “lovers” with mates, or we can be soul-mates.  We can be soul-mates with family and friends as well as lovers.  It is the life source that we all seek.  It is the grasping of soul-love connection that makes us truly human at the spiritual level.

When our soul-mate is our lover, we become two human beings sharing the Path of Love. Enhanced intimacy becomes the ultimate goal of sexual union. Sexual union allows us to be sexually mindful where we shut out all distractions through the power of passion and join our Self with our lover in body, soul, and spirit.  When lovers dedicate themselves to passionately exploring the Path of Life together, a miracle occurs. Love mellows from raw biological sexual passion and ego drive to a state of spiritual bliss where the contentment and peace of our spirits mingle with the juices of love, sex, and passion. The hearts of the lovers can now flow continuously in and out of the love that flows from the center of their being, from the center of all being. This love is now set free to urge each other on towards ecstasy, to evolve into the souls they were meant to be.

In addition, I believe intimacy is more than just increased consciousness. In my view, it is the state of continuous growth of the soul’s spiritual powers of awareness, experiencing and responding. Intimacy leads to mutual awareness of the full presence of the beloved, aware of his/her needs and desires, aware of what excites the body, aware of what excites the mind, and aware of what brings peace and contentment to the soul. But most of all, it i simply being aware of “him/her.” Within this glow of body and soul awareness, I believe their two spirits can now begin to merge and experience each other’s Divine Essence. They begin to respond and resonate and vibrate in unison with each other and with the universal essence of love.

Once we enter into intimacy with our partner, we experience the fruits of the spirit. We automatically enter into a tremendous peace regardless of the anxieties associated with life’s experiences. As we let these feelings guide our thoughts and actions, we develop trust and patience. We can understand each other and wait patiently for the ambiguities to dissolve themselves in the flow of love. This peace flows into the second fruit of the spirit which is joy. It is this mutual experiencing of joy that unites us and lets us see into the mysteries of life. Our spirits continuously seek harmony, intimacy and the exchange of the energies of love that we can feel as soul-joy or spirit-ecstasy.

Once we chose to live in the world in intimacy, there is no gender.  As bisexual men there is no difference in our love for a man or a woman, but I do believe there is a difference between us and strictly heterosexual couples.  We have an opportunity to bring both our masculine and feminine sides to the cogs and gears of human intimacy.  We can be testosterone strong and motivated to cherish, and protect; and yet, we can be feminine compassionate and caring and intuitively aware of the needs of the one we love. We can bring all of this to the intimate relationship regardless of whether our partner is male or female.

As bisexual men we have to be true to our Self and our lover.  This means going beyond sex but still using sexual relationships to move our souls into intimacy. Intimacy is engaging with our partner in the dance of life. When two lovers dance this physical, emotional and spiritual dance together, they complement each other, creating a dance of give and take. Touch gets enriched with this tremendous flow of love energy that comes through smiles, eyes, hands, and hearts. It releases a powerful spiritual drive that can transcend the limitations of the material world, the domain of the mind, and the fears of the ego. Intimacy is spirit-love. It is that incredible spiritual energy that brings a feeling of complete peace, power, and joy that we can call ecstasy. Whether your lover is a man or a woman do not stop at sexual and ego  satisfaction but move on into intimacy and ecstasy.

Heart Commitment

Whereas the self-actualization appears to be a an ego-drive, SELF-actualization comes from the heart. It is based not on meeting the needs of the ego, but on meeting the needs of the soul.  Relationship becomes a struggle between the ego and the spirit as to who will win the heart. Once we are in the realm of consciousness and mindfulness we then begin to experience unconditional love and true commitment.

When a man senses that his lover’s love is conditional, he seems to fear that he cannot meet those conditions and is tempted to just drift away. I believe that it is at this point that he has to trust his heart and make an unconditional commitment to his lover (male or female), or the relationship will die. When a man makes this commitment, his soul connects with his spirit. I believe he then inherits the gift of faith. Through faith the heart can transform conditional ego love to unconditional spirit love. He begins to understand what unconditional love is all about. This can be very difficult for a bisexual man in a gay relationship.  As we have seen in a previous blog, pillow talk does not come naturally for a man and without pillow talk it is difficult for oxytocin bonding to take root. Both men have to make it happen.  They have to take time for post-orgasm conversation. During these conversations he will be able to express his true wants and needs and respond to his lover’s wants and needs.

On the other hand, a woman seems to continue looking deeper and deeper into her lover’s soul to see if there are any warning signs that need to be explored. She looks for faults that can be a threat to her own dreams and goals. She questions and questions, not really looking for verbal answers but searching for hidden agendas and messages that might reveal the depth and sincerity of his commitment. I believe that it is at this point that the woman must decide that she loves her man with all his flaws. She must give up trying to change those last basic blocks that form his identity and protect his inner soul. If she can see the situation through the eyes of her heart, she will know that their relationship cannot survive without the power, passion, and determination of the ego part of his male soul. In my opinion, this stage can only last so long or the relationship will disintegrate. She has to trust her heart and decide that this is the one, throw all caution to the wind, and jump in with both feet.

This period can be very difficult for a bisexual man in a heterosexual relationship.  Because he is wired biologically for gay sex, he often feels inadequate and vulnerable.  The questioning can become a threat to his fragile ego.  He has to focus and be aware of her and what she is trying to communicate.  This can be stressful. Rather than revert to his male aggression when threatened, he has to learn to step back, enter into a state of mindfulness and learn to listen to the wants and needs of his lover.  A good out is to take a few deep breaths, focus on his feelings of love and simple ask “What do you need?”

I do not think that spiritual love is bound by limitations of gender or orientation. In a gay or bisexual relationship both partners have the task of completing and fulfilling all the needs of both their masculine and feminine nature. At the same time they also seem to have the privilege of embracing both sides of the love bond. I believe this gives them an opportunity to create a deeper, more beautiful heart-filled relationship. I also believe a bisexual man in a relationship with a woman has the female to female conflict but he can also offer the feminine as well as the masculine sides of his nature. The key is to embrace the situation as it is, work to overcome the flaws, and be ready to celebrate the beauty and uniqueness of the beloved’s spirit-filled soul.

One last step is necessary for the two lovers to solidify their unconditional love for each other.  They must begin to see each other’s flaws as essential characteristics, gifts to be celebrated. In my opinion, this is what makes the lovers who they are. It is the defining qualities of their souls. It is what makes them beautiful. Both hearts are now exposed and a miracle takes place. Their spirits are now free to release the full power of their love energy to bond the two souls together in unconditional love. Their egos’ need to be loved and their spirits’ need to love are now fulfilled. This enables their hearts to form a dimension of love which includes the passionate feelings from the body, thoughts and dreams from the ego, and joy from the spirit. Thus begins the delightful dance of giving and receiving unconditional love as they celebrate the joy of each day as it opens before them. They can now experience life through each other’s soul.

So you just found out your husband is gay.  What Now?

Finding out your husband is gay can be devastating to say the least. From a gay husband’s point of view let me say that I truly did love my ex-wife and the last thing I wanted to do was cause her pain.  I was trapped in an obsessive and compulsive drive for gay sex and at the same time  I had a strong desire to stay in a loving relationship with my wife.  Regrets? Yes, of course.  Could it have been handled better? Absolutely.  I have already addressed the issue for men in an earlier blog so here are my suggestions for women.

1. Once he discloses, do not respond immediately.  This is a deeply emotional moment.  Do not let your emotions dictate your present and future course of action.  Let your husband know that you appreciate his honesty and that you need time to think.
2. Sit down face to face in a non-emotional, non-confrontational conversation. Find out what his true desires are. Does he truly want to stay with you in an improved relationship or does he actually want to leave and enter a gay lifestyle.
3. Make a heart decision. Decide what you truly want.  Do you value and want to keep the relationship or do you want to start a new life.
4. Now make a conscious and rational decision. Weigh all the pros and cons. Divide the page in two, write them out and weigh them out.  Is the relationship truly worth keeping?  Do not consider him or the children.  This is the time to be true to yourself and honest with yourself.You have no responsibility to his emotional, mental or even physical well-being.
5. If you decide to leave, openly honestly and lovingly tell him your reasons. Walk away. Do not question your decision.You are not responsible for his feelings; he is. Whether you wish to maintain a friendship is totally up to you.  However, be sure that you are clear that the marriage is over.  Do not keep him hanging on with false hopes.

If you decide to stay, be prepared to roll up your sleeves and get to work.

1. You may wish to see a counselor to work out a strategy but I would advise that you sit down together and work it out yourselves.
2. The first decision is to decide what to do about his gay desires and obsessions. Be sure to decide rationally and from the heart what you are prepared to live with.  There are several options:
   1. Abstinence – he agrees to never have another gay encounter. This will be very difficult and perhaps impossible for him to do, depending on the levels of his desires and obsessions.
   2. The marriage is for companionship and non-sexual intimacy and he is free to pursue his gay desires. This is essentially giving up on the marriage as a marriage.
   3. He abstains from gay encounters but exercises his obsessions through pornography and masturbation. This is a suggestion most often offered by marriage counselors.
   4. He is free to seek gay encounters as the need arises as long as he engages in safe sex.This allows him to be bisexual which is his true gender orientation. The gay side explores his passions while the heterosexual side gives him sexual and soul intimacy.  As the wife, you will have to view his gay sexuality as a biological expression that will meet his biological needs while intimacy and soul mating is maintained in the marriage.
   5. He is free to pursue a gay relationship on the side (or openly) as long as he engages in safe sex.  This allows him to engage in friendships and intimacy on his gay side thereby establishing deep emotional and heart to heart relationship with another man, Often bisexual men forego friendship relationships with other men which deprives them of the need for male intimacy.  If he is permitted to have this kind of relationship he will usually be fulfilled sexually and emotionally and be able to give his best to both sides of his gender orientation.  Because he is free to have the best of both worlds he will no longer feel the need to choose one over the other.  This is the one that would best meet his needs but is usually the one the wife is least willing to accept.
3. Regardless of your decisions be prepared to work on them and be prepared to accept occasional breakdowns.  Old patterns are difficult to break.  You will both need to have an open relationship where each person is free to express their deepest feelings and concerns.
4. Do not give ultimatums but be sure to establish your own boundaries and be prepared to say ‘enough’ when enough is enough.
5. This is just the beginning of the new relationship.  The next step is to go beyond the gender issues and enter into a truly intimate and spiritual marriage. We will explore these possibilities in the next post.