Category: Bisexual Men

Bisexuality – the Search for Sanity

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logo_2I know that within the LBGT community everyone is an individual, everyone has different experiences and brings a different biological and physical make up to the experience of life.  But we do have one thing in common.  We experience a huge buildup of anxieties that lead to profoundly more mental issues and suicides than the “normal” population. Why is this happening?  Let me give you a different take on this.  It happens because we want it to happen.  We attract it because we need it.  It is a tool to be used to heal. It is the doorway to understanding life. It is the portal to ecstasy.

One of the defining characteristics of every gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender person that I have ever interviewed is a state of profound confusion experienced at some time in their life.  This state is most persistent in the bisexual community (misnomer- most of us are not part of a community – we choose isolation instead of community). But let’s take a closer look at confusion.  Confusion is not a bad thing.  It is a good thing.  It is an experience common to all mankind.  On one hand, it is the experience that causes us to run to the shelter of a religion, a philosophy, or some kind of “group think”, so that we can bring some kind of order to the chaos. But for us bisexuals, we cannot find solutions through these typical short cuts to sanity.

Because it is not that easy to run away from our particular form of confusion and anxiety, we are forced to stay in our own version of chaos.  But that is not a bad thing.  It is a good thing.  We are compelled to dig deeper to find some meaning to take away the anxiety, to find a pattern, to find a purpose, to remain sane.  Some never do and they lose it or give up and exit.  This is very sad because if they had just stayed in the game a little longer, they might have found that there are no solutions, and if they would have persevered, they may have come to the point that they could accept that confusion was okay.

in fact, confusion is more than okay; it is the only reality.  When we accept the confusion, and we accept the chaos, and we accept ourselves just as we are, life becomes quite simple.  No pretense.  No religious short cuts. No need for philosophy.  No need for labels.  No need to hide behind the security of the word “bisexual”. No need to seek out the comforts of a group. We just are and we are okay.  We are more than okay.  We are one with the chaos. We are one with the beautiful pattern of random abstract.  We are free to pursue the pleasure of our senses for the sake of pleasure. We are free to explore all our sexual desires.  We are open to the infinite possibilities of this amazing universe.  We are open to experiencing the ecstasy of being one with chaos.

You see, we were not insane after all.  We were just searching for the answer to the ultimate question – what is the purpose of life?  And some of us have found the answer.  There is no purpose.  There is only life with its infinite possibilities to be experienced through the eternity of the ever present moment.

Bisexuality – A Shamanic Dance

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cropped-logo_2.pngI keep talking about consciousness and trying to create or perhaps fabricate a connection of consciousness to sex and bisexuality.  Does this connection really exist?  I am not sure, but I have a “feeling” that it does, and “feelings” truly are the door to consciousness.

Consciousness is not going blank and staring at a flower, it is experiencing the essence of the flower through the miracle of our spirit.  It is not about mind, or thinking, or imagining, or even sensing; it is about sharing “being”, sharing the essence of life with another living thing. How much more powerful then must it be to share connection, not with a flower, but with a man or a woman.  I believe that sex is one of those portals where we have an opportunity to ride the sensations of the body into a state of conscious bliss where we experience each other’s essence in a truly sensuous, mindless way.  And moreover, I believe that bisexuality gives us an opportunity to experience this bliss from two different sides, each of which has the potential to create and to enter into a state of conscious ecstasy.  Bisexuality is not a curse, it is a double portal into the spiritual.

The key then is to understand sexuality as a part of our divine nature. I have recently run across a website by Terence McKenna that contains some remarkable snapshots into consciousness and (which I apply to) sexuality:

“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering its a feather bed.”[1]

You see, good sex is that shamanic dance in the waterfall.  It is that powerful surge of emotion, feeling, and all the physical and spiritual energy that goes with it. It is the magic that gives us an opportunity to escape the world of patterns and enter into the chaotic abyss for a few precious moments. And then the magic happens. As we leave the world of our mind, the restrictions or our culture, and our desire to seek the comfort of patterns, we land on the feather bed with another human being.

And this one:

“I think of going to the grave without having a psychedelic experience  (is) like going to the grave without ever having sex. It means that you never figured out what it is all about. The mystery is in the body and the way the body works itself into nature.”

You see, the mystery of the body is that we do not enter into nature through our mind or even mindless consciousness but through the sensations of the body.  And the sensations involved with sex are 1000 times more powerful than any other sensation we are likely to experience.  In addition, the beauty of sex is that we enter into nature in the embrace of another through whom we experience the combined rhythm that produces a harmony and  a resonance that slips into the timeless rhythm of nature, reproduction and life.

And this one:

“You are a divine being. You matter, you count. You come from realms of unimaginable power and light, and you will return to those realms.”

You see, once we arrive in this altered state, we can begin to share not only on the body level, but in the glow, the harmony, the sharing of soul, and even perhaps the sharing of spirit.  When we do this, we experience a powerful healing flow mentally and physically as well as spiritually.  This is the source of passion that gives us the male power to conquer the world and the female sensitivity to enjoy it.

So what does this have to do with bisexuality?  Everything.  Three of four bisexual men (previous blog) have their primary sexual orientation towards other men.  This is the primary power source.  This is where the feelings and sensations are at their height.  It becomes a power surge that can carry us into ecstasy.  On the other hand, when we are connected to women, we enter into a different kind of rhythm, a slower quieter beat where there is no urgency, where we can linger and glow, prune and build neural pathways, and form a different kind of harmony that is longer lasting and more centered on relationship building.  This allows us to carry the experience of the bedroom into the world around us, providing us with peace and contentment and harmony.

Bisexuality then is a gift, a portal into two sides of consciousness, the world of passion and the world of harmony. Let go. Leave all your care and even your thoughts behind and join in the shamanic dance beneath the waterfall.

 

[1] http://in5d.com/73-terence-mckenna-quotes/

Carol – A Study in Female Bisexuality

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Carol is a movie based on a novel, The price of Salt, by Patricia Highsmith. Carol and Therese are lesbian lovers. The movie (unlike the book) is played from Carol’s point of view with the assumption that she is the more vulnerable character (certainly a point to be argued). Even though the movie is widely acclaimed for its content and quality, I had difficulty defining my feelings and understanding of female bisexualism during the movie. However, I was challenged to try to see and understand female bisexuality, and discover the similarities between male and female bisexuals.

The first question then arises – are these women lesbian or bisexual? Carol is in the process of a divorce, and has a child, and is therefore by definition a bisexual woman.  Therese has a boyfriend, and according to her own admission has a hard time saying no, which I presume means she is also a bisexual.  Which of course, for women or for men, begs the question – according to label and definition, who is gay, who is lesbian and who is bisexual? According to my simple definition, if you are attracted to and can have sex with either men or women (and I assume enjoy it) then you are bisexual.  Beyond that point, your preferences may change and you make different choices, not to be bisexual because that is what we are, but we have the ability to enjoy relationships with either men or women.   At first Carol choses to be married to a man and chooses to have a child whom she loves dearly, but she  is willing to give up parental custody for the sake of the child, and in order to peruse her love for Therese. Therese has a boyfriend, makes plans to get married and live a straight life.  She is then overcome by her attraction for Carol and enters into a lesbian life, I assume because of her need for genuine connection and the opportunity to share deep feelings and desires.

As a man, I find it totally incomprehensible why two women would want to live together with such potential for emotional turmoil and chaos. So much easier being a man and being with a man.  Interestingly enough, Carol and Therese felt the same way; that is, they found living with a man so difficult and preferred the predictability of living with a woman – emotion, chaos and all. In my search of the internet I found this quote from a woman claiming to be straight but with bisexual tendencies, “I am attracted to the beauty of other women — and they’re so much easier to understand psychologically than men. We girls form deep relationships through friendships, which some say are the basis of love. And personally I believe that emotional connection and physical attraction are linked”[1]. Well, maybe for women, but not necessarily for men. I can be very attracted to a man on a casual basis without ever wanting intimate relationship.

However, I think it is important, as a male bisexual, to try to understand female bisexuality and why most bisexual women eventually give up on the heterosexual relationship and choose to become lesbians. First of all let’s look at the differences. Women are much more likely to be bisexual then men. I found a study conducted by researchers at Boise State University that found that in a group of heterosexual women, 60 percent were physically interested in other women, 45 percent made out with a woman in the past, and 50 percent had fantasies about the same sex[2]. The researchers also found that men were more likely than women to report being “100 percent heterosexual” or “100 percent homosexual” continually throughout their lives. This explains a lot about Carol and Therese and their natural attraction for one another. Women are allowed socially to hold hands, hug,  and even kiss in girl to girl relationships.  For boys this is a taboo.  A man is supposed to be a man.  Begs the question – are we all really bisexual in nature but straight or lesbian or gay only due to social factors? Perhaps for women, but I think there is more to it for men.  For men there is an animal competition to spread our genes around so the dominant genes will be passed on.  This means ‘women only’ as men cannot reproduce with another man.  Whereas women seem to be straight only about 40 to 50% of the time, it appears that men are definitely straight about 95% of the time, definitely gay 4% of the time and about 1% of the time they seem to be either-or.

Research suggests that gay men tend to engage in promiscuous sex and lesbian women tend to seek long term relationship[3].  According to my research (I know four lesbian couples), of the eight individuals, five started out in a marriage or heterosexual relationship and then settled into a long term lesbian relationship, two were dominant (butch) lesbians from adolescence on,  and only one started out in a lesbian relationship and then later got married to a man and had children.  From the research, and from my observations, some have definite lesbian desires starting at a young age but most come by it later in life, almost as if they choose to leave the straight and sometimes chaotic life behind and seek out genuine intimate relationship. On the other hand, most of the bisexual men I know have known from an early age that they had gay tendencies but also felt a strong attraction for women and a strong desire to marry and be fathers.  They live for years going from one to the other, usually intimately with their wives and casually with their gay lovers. When they divorce, they usually go gay and then many of them again seek out another heterosexual relationship.  It seems they cannot make up their minds. They seem driven to be both.  Men are true bisexuals.  Most women seem to feel the need to be one or the other.
Even though this movie indicates major differences between bisexual men and women, I do believe we have a lot in common.  Like Carol, we have a very strong urge to explore our gay or lesbian sexuality.  Like Carol and Therese, we find same-sex experiences sensuous and erotic. Like Carol, we come to a time in our life where sexual freedom of expression becomes a deep expression of our inner self, and we choose to leave the security of a marriage and strike off into the unknown in spite of the turmoil and pain it will cause.  Like Carol, we are caring people who do not want to hurt anyone, especially our children, but being true to ourselves becomes more important that being true to everyone else.

[1] http://www.yourtango.com/2011104439/study-average-woman-bisexual

[2] http://www.advocate.com/bisexuality/2015/08/26/study-women-are-more-likely-be-bisexual-men

[3] 2 Sanford et al, 2001; Kulkin et al, 2000

New Year’s Resolutions

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logo_2Happy New Year.  Make no mistake.  Do not doubt.  IT WILL BE A HAPPY NEW YEAR. Shout it out. Believe it.  Every time you feel the negative side of your ego pulling you down, go into your closet, lock the door, and shout this out with all the energy you can muster:

THIS IS MY LIFE.  I AM A POWERFUL SPIRITUAL BEING. I AM IN CONTROL.  I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.

For the past two years I have set my Self (my Self deserves a capital S) three goals – one for personal growth, one for my relationship with my dearly Beloved, and one for writing.  But I do not just make New Year’s resolutions; I form intent and I dedicate the energy of my mind and soul to the process of making my goals become real.  In other words, I create my own miracles.

The first step is to analyse where I have come from, where I am now, and where I want to be.  I take this very seriously.  I review every success, I record it in my success book, and I celebrate these achievements by patting myself on the back, letting my own self-praise soak into my ego, reaffirming it as a partner in my spiritual growth.  You see, my ego is not the bad boy in my soul, it is my decision making center and it contains the energy power of my mind to set a course so that good things can happen.

The second step is to form intent. This is not a wishy-washy sort of hope; it is a process whereby I combine the mind energy from my ego with the soul energy from my heart.  And somewhere in the mix a miracle happens.  The goal becomes real, it actualizes, and the miracle begins to happen.  It starts slowly like an embryo in the first month, but as the months pass it takes shape and grows.  But it has to have a beginning, a spiritual birth based on the marriage of ego-mind and heart-soul. And how does this happen?  I make it happen.  I will it into reality.  I infuse it with the spiritual power of my being.

Next, I review and renew my intent on a daily basis.  I spend ten minutes each day just meditating, restoring my soul energy and focusing it on my own personal health and well-being in a global way, just breathing easily and renewing my connection with the source of universal energy.  By doing this I enter into the infinite source of love-power, that positive energy that can make miracles happen.  I then review my goals, note and celebrate my progress and decide what I can do today to make my love child grow. If I have had a setback, I give my Self permission to fail and have a bad day thereby removing the negative energy so that it cannot accumulate and destroy. I then reform my mind-heart intent thereby restoring the positive energy so that my energies can be applied to grow my miracles.

Believe me, it can happen.  I have had absolute miracles in my life in the past two years and I expect another set of miracles for the New Year and I plan to conceive them today. Join me.

Happy New Year

 

Bisexuality – May the Force Be With You

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logo_2Like most men my age, I am a die hard Star Wars fan.  Kind of hurts to see Leia and Han looking older. Apparently, the force does not keep us young. According to Dr. Max Planck, one of the founding fathers of Quantum Physics, “All matter originates and exists only by virtue of a force…. We must assume that behind this force a conscious and intelligent mind exists.  This mind is the matrix of all matter.”   One of the main themes in the movie series is “The Force”, which presents us with a bunch of questions.   Is it a reality?  I think so, and if so, what is it? How can this apply to our daily lives? What does this have to do with sexuality? And in particular what does it have to do with Bisexuality?

I am just completing a heavy book called The Energy Healing Experiments by Gary Schwartz[1] .  Gary is a PHD researcher from the University of Arizona. He is the Director of its Laboratory for Advances in Consciousness and Health.  He and his colleagues have carried out scientific research with energy fields (the force?) and consciousness (Jedi mind control?) Perhaps the force within us is what we call our “spirits”, and perhaps our spirits and what contemporary physics calls “energy” are in a deep sense one and the same. Over the next few weeks we will be looking at this whole area of energy and how it affects bisexuality.  For today let’s just look at energy itself, its nature and its effects on our bodies.

According to Schwartz, our bodies are forms of energy that generate electromagnetic energy waves. These waves seem to emanate from the whole body, perhaps through the water molecules in our living cells[2].  Various organs, or systems generate specific waves.  For example brain waves can be picked up on an EEG; whereas, heart waves (five times more powerful) are displayed on EKG’s. He goes on to show, again, through the rigors of scientific experiments, that intent or consciousness (may the force be with you) contains energy that can change the behavior of animals, growth in plants and even affect the well being of microorganisms in test tubes. In addition to energy waves, he demonstrates that quantum fields are actually generated through the works of collections of atoms that constitute our bodies or parts of our bodies. These fields can transmit energy and information in distances beyond the measurements of electromagnetic fields and may be a part of the universal matrix of living energy. In addition, Schwartz demonstrates that all biological matter emits dynamic patterns of bio-photon light which may express the essence of its being. For example healers were able to increase bio-photon emissions in plants by as much as tenfold simply by sharing their energy through conscious thought. He also states that energy emissions contain communication. “Energy provides the power that enables the information to be generated, transmitted and received…. Information without energy is powerless; energy without information is purposeless. Every one of our cells operate as a transmitter and receiver of electromagnetic energies.”[3]

So what is the application to sexuality?  Schwartz goes on to surmise, “Consider what happens when you hold someone you love. Or more explicitly when you are being physically intimate with someone. Can you imagine to what extent bio-energetic signals from our cells and organs are interacting and communicating?”[4]  Good question.  What exactly are we communicating through sexual contact?

Is there such a thing as the yin and the yang? Are there negative and positive energies?  It would appear that there is. Stress causes vascular inflammation in rats and humans.  Schwartz demonstrated that even microorganisms in test tubes respond negatively to healers under stress. It would appear that anxiety brought on by stress can have a negative effect on our health and well being. So what do we share when we have sex with our partners? Are we bringing a ton of emotional baggage that we then hoist onto our lovers? We may just be exposing our dark side and using our negative energies loaded with our own anxiety, to seduce and to weaken our lover’s flow of positive energy. In the process, we may also be weakening ourselves by building up patterns of addiction that feed upon themselves generating more and more negative energy.

Schwartz then goes on to demonstrate that healers who have a deeper level of compassion have a greater level of effect on animals, plants and humans. He concludes, “If we follow the accepted canons of science, we are led, slowly but surely, to the simple explanation that caring energy and loving intentions are the key to healing and health”[i]. This information should urge us on to bring positive energy, namely love and care, to the bed.  If we are going to engage in casual sex, can we bring caring and love to these types of encounters?  I honestly do not think so.  We can bring passion but I would hardly call it care or love.  If we truly want to be caring and compassionate people we should be mindful of whom we sleep with and what we are leaving behind when we get up and leave. On the side of life (within the force)  we can bring so much good energy through caring and love to our partners. We have an opportunity to bring powerful waves of healing that can build their sense or self-worth and physical, mental and spiritual well being.

 

[1] Schwartz, Gary, E; Simon, William L. The Energy Healing Experiments. Atria Books, New Your; 2007.

[2] Page 149

[3] Page 129

[4] Page 184

[i] Page 147

Revised – Oops

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logo_2OOps that did not come out right.  As a result of the lack of response on the last article, I realize my enthusiasm for man to man sex seemed to be wiped out by desire for consciousness.  Let me correct myself.  Lets do this again.  Please reread because I believe that the thoughts in the article  are important to digest on the road to understanding our bisexuality.

Thanks to a dear friend who scours the universe for me looking for precious nuggets of gold, I came across this article by Jon Rappoport[i].  Here is an excerpt:

“The word ‘art,’ across the full range of its meanings, is what happens when, from a platform of structure, a person takes off and discovers that consciousness doesn’t particularly want to wait around a railroad station looking at What Already Exists forever. Consciousness wants to invent what isn’t there.  Consciousness wants other spaces and times.”

 Bisexuality, at least the concept as presented by our society, does not exist. It is just a label and labels are dangerous, especially if we accept them unconditionally. In spiritual reality, it is only a story of our collective minds.  The key for us as flesh, blood, and soul individuals is to know that it is only a story.  This is called consciousness.

Am I a bisexual?  Yes and no.  do I enjoy sex with both and women? Yes, so I guess that makes be bisexual.  But do I fit a one-size-fits-all  definition and label? No. I have come to realize that bisexuality is just a platform, a structure, a label, a part of the story that helps me make sense of the world in which I live.  Does the label have a purpose? No, not really, not anymore.  Oh it did once, but it has fulfilled its purpose in leading me into consciousness and into the understanding of my sexual-self.  My sexuality has grown so that I no longer need labels.  I no longer have to fight to define and protect myself.  I am confident in my sexuality and in being who I am.  I don’t need it anymore.  I am conscious, which means I have transcended the label of bisexuality and integrated my complex sexuality into the I Am that is me. I do not have to wait around the railroad station for my train to come in.  It has already and I am on it.

Does that mean that I no longer desire sex with another man?  Oh, but indeed I still do. Sometimes when I am alone and feeling down, I long to engage again in that wonderful sexuality that makes me feel so alive, that makes me feel the natural power of my inner being.

However, sexuality is not just about sex.  It never was, at least not since I first masturbated at the age of fourteen.  That was when it became a story of guilt and ugliness brought on by my Catholic upbringing.  I was a sinner and as often as I went to Confession and pleaded with God to take away my source of sin, I just kept adding to the story.  Then, when I added sex with a man, and then another man, and another and another, it became a book titled “Gay” that I could not put down until it was finished; but, of course, that book has no ending.  Then when I got married and could not control my impulses, I had to defend my actions with a label and the title changed to “Bisexual”. I had to come to the point where I realized that this was not a good book, regardless of how often the title changed.  It did not make me feel good.  It was just fiction written by people who did not understand the nature of sexuality.

That’s when I became sexually conscious.  That’s when I saw that the subplot was to control me and marginalize me and put a stamp of “unworthiness” on me so they (the mythological Big Brother) could control my thoughts and actions. It also became a vehicle whereby I could justify my action, even though I was hurting other people with my dishonesty.  Then It became a place of identification where I could link myself with other men going through the same life plans.  The title became mine.  It became me.  That’s when the story ended. I now know I am not that title.  I am a free spirit with a  body that desires sex with another man and a soul that longs to be connected with a loving woman.

But you see, that’s the beauty of being conscious.  This is where living becomes an art. There are no controls.  There are no rules.  There are no lies. There is no guilt.  There is no label. There is just the white canvas, the ever present moment where we can choose to use all the colors of the rainbow.  But this pleasure is not an end in itself, pleasure leads us to more consciousness and a greater appreciation of what is whole and good.  And let me be very clear.  Sex is “good”.  Sex with a man is powerful and beautiful.  Sex with a woman is sweet and intimate. Sex is the natural expression of this wonderful body that wants to pursue what it feels as “sexual pleasure”.  It is the expression of my soul that searches for deep connection and purpose.  It is the expression of my spirit that wants to wrap itself in a blanket of joy so it can laugh at the coldness as it gets on its train to Ecstasy.

Jon Rappoport. Exit From The Matrix Beyond;  structures, beyond one space and time. November 22, 2015 [i]

Bisexuality – Reader’s Response – Brokeback Mountain

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logo_2In this reply from Robert, I have been challenged to go a little deeper into Brokeback Mountain and look at Jack and Ennis and their interactions with their wives and how it applies to me and other bisexual men. Here is what Robert has to say:

“Most wives I know wouldn’t be that proactive and assume the male role to jump start her hubby; many believe that the man should always assume that role and initiate sex and make it damned good for them and if they don’t, well, they’ll just find someone else to do the job. I don’t think women really understand what their role is in sex; it’s not just about being on the receiving end but they have to be able to motivate and encourage their man to give her his best and more so if he’s passive or has learned not to be so sexually aggressive due to past experiences …. Sex is a joint venture… but not many people really understand the dynamics involved.”

My response:

First of all, let it be clear that any bisexual man in a heterosexual relationship has that male side that is just bursting to come out.  It is there, if it wasn’t we would not be attracted to women.  We would be like most gay men I know and have absolutely no interest or even be (as a friend of mine once said) disgusted by the thought of putting our face between a woman’s legs.

And yet, I find I do need a jump start. Why? This was not always the case.  In past relationships I was expected to, and I definitely found no difficulty, to take the lead.  But things have happened.  My divorce and subsequent failed relationships have left my ego battered and bruised.  Come to think of it, it was always fragile but my the sexual drive of my younger years plowed ahead anyway.  There was a source of pleasure there that I was seeking that gave me a sense of masculinity and kept my life drive alive. So what has happened?  As I have aged and suffered, I have learned to keep my drive alive my other means, like my writing, teaching sessions, and just filling my soul with the beauty I find in the moment.  Sex with my wife is now not a drive thing or even a sense of duty,  I seek out sex as a moment of intense beauty and pleasure.  A chance to be intimate at a crazy level involving body, soul and spirit.

My wife is different. She sees sex as an essential part of her love for me.  Therefore, it is so easy to let her take the lead and let her excitement and drive take me into the pleasures of the moment.  She brings the old drive alive, and during our love making the lead shifts and am driven to seek and give the pleasure she craves. Am I less of a man? Ridiculous. Being a man has nothing to do with how often you have sex or who takes the lead.  Does it mean that she is now the man in the marriage? Of course not.  It just means that she is who she is and I am who I am.  It just means she is a ‘wow’ woman and I am so lucky to have found her.  So why should I not sit back and enjoy the drive and passion that just oozes out of her.  As Robert said in a response, “sounds like a fantastic woman”.

My advice.  Know who you are. Work with your partner, whether male or female, to see what gives them pleasure. Let them know what gives you pleasure, and then have fun meeting each other’s wants and needs.  And use your tongue and ears for more than sweet nothings.  If the wife is usually the aggressor and wants you to take the lead she should feel free to say so and vise versa. Keep that wounded ego out of the bedroom.  Tell it to shut up for once and dive right into the sensations of sexual pleasure.

Reader’s Response to Great Sex

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logo_2In this reply from Robert, I am once again reminded of the diversity of our experiences as bisexual men.  We all come from different places and we all have different experiences.  Every man has his own story, his own truth. The key is to understand ourselves, love ourselves and learn to experience sex and life at the highest levels.

“As a bisexual man, great sex is where you find it… but it begins inside your head, your thoughts and feelings about sex both generally and specifically. I learned to adopt the mindset that any time I can have sex either way (guy or gal), this is a damned good thing ….

Do you have to sense that bonding factor to have great sex? No doubt – it does help; as they say, the more you care for someone, the better the sex is… but I’m not totally sold on this given that we all don’t look at sex in the same way – we all have different triggers that are affected by our past experiences and, sometimes, even when the bonding/love is there, we can find reason to engage in sex… but not to enjoy it as it’s meant to be enjoyed. I’ve learned, in the decades of my bisexuality, that I have to make the best of any situation, to do whatever I have to do to make the sexual experience “great” rather than mundane or just doing it by rote and not with much in the way of enthusiasm for the pleasures sex can afford. Instead of depending on someone to put me in the mood – and since I believe that my sexual pleasure is my responsibility – I have to be self-motivating.

Can we have a bonding relationship with another man and remain true to our bonded female partner? Yes, we can… provided we know how to do it and not, like so many people do, stay locked into a monogamous mindset that demands that we only bond with one person at a time and then insist that any additional bonds aren’t possible… or required.

They’re wrong… and while many people can agree intelligently that having multiple bonds is possible, emotionally and morally, nah, they don’t believe it’s the right thing to do. It’s a mindset that denies our innate and natural ability to be able to be emotionally bonded to more than one person….

I could talk about this aspect for days…”

Robert at blog kdaddy23.wordpress.com

 

My comment:  Bonding is the key.  It is the difference between good sex and great sex. Sex can be, but need not be, an end in itself.  We can ride the waves of sexual pleasure into deeper commitment and intimacy and therefore into deeper, more passionate experiences with our partners. Bonding does not guarantee great sex but it does make it possible.  The rest is up to you and your partner.  You have to work at bringing pleasure and ecstasy to each other.

However, Robert does bring up a good point about bonding. I believe that bonding between men, and between a man and a woman, is different and I do believe that it is not only possible but almost necessary to be bonded with a male friend as well as a female partner.  But does the bonding have to be sexual? But more of that in another blog.  In either case bonding is where it’s at .  Bonding is where we share soul and spirit feelings and energy as well as sexual gratification.

Bisexuality – Beyond Gender – A Question of Shame

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cropped-logo_2.pngI recently viewed a TED talk by sociologist, Brene Brown, and would like to fit what she was saying into the bisexual question of “shame”. Shame  seems to be a major problem in today’s society, especially for women.  Women tend to acknowledge it and deal with it; however, men tend to bury it. When it inevitably pops up again during a weak moment, or when we have to face a major issue, we crash.  In addition, I believe shame has specific implications for bisexual men. In my own case, and with many of the men I have interviewed, the number one hurdle to overcome is the way we feel about ourselves and our sexuality.  To many of us, our bisexuality is a source of feelings of failure with our wives and children and especially with ourselves.  We try to cope with it or deny it until our double lives are discovered and then shame destroys us.

To understand shame and its effect on our lives, let’s take our eyes off the negative and focus on the positive. The opposite of shame is a feeling of worthiness and the path to worthiness is through self-love. The key then is to go beyond shame, step over it, and rewire our neural pathways. If we bypass the shame from the emotion center, we can then reconnect our bisexuality to the feeling of self-love and self-acceptance in the pleasure center. By consciously doing this, we learn ‘to feel good’ about ourselves. How do we do that?  How can we overcome a lifetime of guilt, regret and shame?

The answer is ‘whole’heartedness and the first step to wholeheartedness is courage. We have an opportunity to make a conscious decision to take on our situation, face the issues, and be determined to do what we believe is right for ourselves and for others. We can choose to realize that we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. We can see that for the most part we have done the best we could under the circumstances. We can recognize the courage we have shown in staying in the game as long as we have with the hand we have been dealt.  We can also face the fact that we could have done better, that sometimes we have taken the easy way out and willfully made “mistakes”; however, once we have acknowledged this to ourselves, we can let our minds know that it is okay to make mistakes.  If we are willing to say we are sorry to ourselves and others, we can give our souls an opportunity to evolve from guilt to self-acceptance.  We can then fix what we can, accept what we cannot, and then move on regardless of the consequences.

In this process we arrive at the second step – we can learn to be compassionate with ourselves.  Our primary biological and psychological responsibility is to provide for our own well-being.  After a long established pattern of self-hate and self-loathing, this is sometimes difficult to do.  However, we have the power to choose to forget the past and live in the present.  When shame arises from the past we simply face it, give ourselves permission to make mistakes, seek out the truths involved,  and then renew the commitment to love our self unconditionally. This requires a meditative approach. We simply wait mindfully until the “feeling” comes, usually mixed with tears of sadness and joy. As we go through this process, we rewire the negative thoughts with positive feelings.

The third step is authenticity, a willingness to get to know our self and act from our own best insights. So let’s do some soul searching, stop pretending to be something we are not, acknowledge our bisexuality, recognize that it is a gift, not a curse, realize that our bisexuality is based on a dual soul that embraces the masculine and feminine sides, focus on the gifts, not the faults, and then be true to our real self in what we think, say, and do.

Once we have conquered shame, we can then be vulnerable, reach out, initiate what we are expecting others to do first, and give what we want to receive.  Now, we can extend our love to others.  We can deliberately seek connection with both males and females for the purpose of friendship and intimate love.  We can search for those special connections that lead to intimate relationships. As we see ourselves through the eyes of another,  we can be reassured that we are indeed lovable.

Bisexuality – Beyond Gender – Great Sex

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Sex has the potential to be magic, to light up the dark part of our heart, to bring the juices of living to the brain, to allow the soul to quiet the noise of the mind so that we can enter a moment of mindfulness through the power of our thought-free senses. But above all, it is the sharing of a special energy that can live and grow exponentially when two people allow their spirits to come together and embrace.

According to Gretchen Rubin[1], it takes six seconds for a good warm frontal hug to activate the Oxytocin drive needed for arousal and bonding.  Once activated, a special body/soul glow begins to form.  The body provides the juices, the hormones that supercharge the body with a mixture of adrenaline and testosterone. But the soul is also activated by using the oxytocin rush to  touch all the old neural pathways of the brain, not the thoughts, but the memories related to feelings and emotions. It perhaps goes right back to the primal connection of our infancy to feelings of been nurtured and loved by our mothers in the breasts of life, or the feelings of total peace and security in the arms of our fathers.  All of these unlabeled feelings become activated, just through a hug.  This is the core of our sense of well being.  It is this male feeling of self-worth and self-belief in the power of our own minds and bodies that gives us the drive for great sex.

Unfortunately, we do not all have this infinite well of passion from which to draw. In my case, my infancy left me with a personality disorder, so I did not have this resource as an avenue to great sex.  I have spent my life trying to create it but it is a very difficult thing to do as I had to leave the inner child behind. Not until my present relationship with my Beloved have I been able to build the body of feelings needed to create this foundation for great sex.

To have great sex with our female partners, we need to be aware, to be conscious that we are engaging in a bonding experience.  Our female partner is good at this; it is built into her biological structure to build partnerships through bonding, Bonding allows for the creation of an emotionally stable and secure home in which love can grow, blossom and bear seed. There is so much that can be done in this area but let’s leave that for another blog.

In our gay life, there is sex, good sex, and then there is great sex. Just sex usually happens in anonymous encounters that releases sexual tension but leaves a bad aftertaste in our mouths and hearts. Good sex has two possible sources — eroticism and passionate love.  Speaking to bisexual men, I do not think I have to tell you about eroticism.  It comes naturally. We are automatically aroused.  If we are bottom men we hope for our partner’s hard stiff penis and orgasm.  If we are top we look for teasing and exciting our partner before pushing through to our own orgasm. Good erotic gay sex is simple and carries no story.  It is sex for the sake of sex, the more erotic the better.  It may be good sex, but is it great sex?

Can we have great sex with another man?  Of course we can, but it does not come naturally.  We have to build that body of memories.  We have to bond.  We have to be aware of our partner and his wants and needs.  We have to make sex into love-making.   We have to let  these sensations imprint themselves indelibly into our souls, allowing ourselves to create and recreate the love story over and over again.  Letting our souls be bonded together in bliss.

If we are emotionally tied into in a heterosexual relationship, it can be difficult to build great sex into our love relationships with another man. We cannot have great sex in a twenty minute encounter. There can be no urgency.  It means letting that six second hug  expand to minutes and then to hours. That means taking our time, letting the rush linger and build through the feeling of touch, letting our hands caress our lover’s body, the hair, the face, the arms, the chest, over and over again, letting the oxytocin work its magic through powerful surges of energy through our neural pathways. We have to build the bond because it is the bond that contains the memories of feelings and emotions that can occupy the entire nervous system thereby expanding into the warm feelings and sensations that we know as great sex.  It is a whole body and soul experience.  It is the glow, it is the magic. It is what makes sex great.

Which begs the question – can we have a bonding relationship with another man and still be true to our bond with our female partner?  Alas, we will have to examine this question in another blog.

[1] Rubin, Gretchen. The Happiness project. Collins, 2009.